Kung Fu Panda: The Paws of Destiny (2018) s01e17 Episode Script
The Beast of the Wasteland
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
PO: All right, gang, I know we're all hungry because we skipped second lunch, but let's try not to freak out, okay? We've made it this far and I'm sure the fertile part is just over that hill up ahead.
Okay, my bad.
Your bad indeed! You said it, boss.
He sure did.
Zip it, dumdums! But I'm too young to die! And I'm too pretty! Boys.
So dramatic.
If it gets to the point we have to survive by eating each other, I say we start with the Dragon Master since he got everyone's hopes up.
Except mine.
I know how to manage my expectations! Ooh! Very tender.
Hey! I was kidding! I'm a vegetarian.
CHOW GUARD 1: We're lookin' for the Mayor.
You boys seen Li? Nope.
You seen him, Dim? Sure haven't, Sum.
Where are the Guardians of the Wellspring? Uh What's a well spring, Dim? Darned if I know, Sum.
Attention, everybody.
I just wanted to confirm that everything is totally normal in the village and nothing weird or concerning is going on with the Wellspring.
And in even more good news, Mei Mei is apparently going on tour, so all further performances of hers have been canceled.
[ALL CHEERING.]
It's a miracle! Are you Mayor Li? I sure am.
And also my son is the Dragon Master.
We come from the palace on behalf of Mistress Empress Xiao.
Dragon Master Po received your letter regarding the Wellspring and asked us to come on his behalf.
Oh, thank heavens! Help has arrived! We'd like to speak with you in private so as not to alarm the other villagers.
A top secret government meeting.
Oh! Po would be so proud.
He's my son, you know.
Is it dark in here or am I finally suffering the consequences of having looked into that eclipse? I think I just need to get a little air.
I think I'm having a panic attack.
Do either of you have a paper bag? How do I look? I want my people to see a leader.
Someone who is warm and kind.
Not scaly and badly dressed.
No offense.
How could I possibly be offended? Your highness.
I come before you on behalf of Bunnyburg.
The drought is worse than ever.
We are unable to grow crops and the resources we ship in have ceased completely.
Well, that is just unacceptable.
How did that sound? I was going for authoritative, but also a, "Hey, the Empress is just like us" vibe.
It worked for me? Oh, really? Thank you so much.
You are so sweet.
I thought the pipeline thingy was supposed to be working by now.
Projects of this size and nature take time.
I'm starting to think we can't wait for Dragon Master Po and the Four Constellations to arrive.
I think I might have to investigate this on my own.
I say this with the utmost respect, Your Majesty, you can't just wave a wand and fix everything.
[SIGHING.]
You're absolutely right, Shi Long.
Note to self, buy a scepter.
I pinky swear to personally see to it that our plans to address the drought be sped up asap.
In the meantime, my Imperial Guards will prepare a large shipment of food and resources to be sent back with you to Chinchillaville.
[GUARDS EXCLAIMING.]
Uh, I'm actually a Rabbit.
Of course you are.
Oh, thank you, your highness.
Oh, thank you so much.
Yes! Nailed it.
[YELLING.]
Easy, little guys, we come in peace.
Peace? We do not do peace.
We are warriors! [YELLING.]
Look, look, guys! Hey! I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding.
We don't want to hurt you.
I kinda do.
Uh, mmm, can we just talk for a sec? Huh? 'Cause we're kind of in a hurry.
Talk? Ha! We do not talk.
We fight.
We punch, we kick, we do head butts, sometimes there's biting, finger pointing in the This thing's so defective.
Attack! Huh? Ow, ow, ow! Bao? 'Sup? All hail glorious Bao! MOLE-RATS: All hail glorious Bao! - All hail glorious Bao! - How do they know your name? - Shh! I'm basking.
It's beautiful.
- All hail glorious Bao! We have read the holy text and have waited for the arrival of our savior.
Oh, brother.
Literally.
You are all invited to a big feast in honor of the new God of the Wasteland.
Ah! The God of the Wasteland, yeah! That sounds so edgy, so urban.
You had us at big feast.
Who else knows about the Wellspring being in danger? Is this a prank? Did Ping put you up to this? Who's Ping? Does he know about the Wellspring, too? No one knows about the Wellspring missing besides me.
Perfect.
Let's move to Phase Two.
LI: I do not like Phase Two.
I repeat, I do not like Phase Two.
[BONES CRACKING.]
[MOANING.]
Your pedipalps are magic! My, you are just full of tension.
I'd love to go all shiatsu on you, but I might draw blood.
Oh! What the heck? What are you doing on my table? That's a health code violation.
I've got very urgent business, Li is missing! LI: Uh, please, I just have a number of questions about Phase Two.
Well, we found him.
Looks like we're too late.
Spider-guy, I need you to work on my trapezius muscles.
Well, if you're not gonna do anything, I will! Dead or alive, I'm getting my best friend back.
And revenge! Hey.
In honor of the arrival of our new god and esteemed guests, I present to you, a traditional feast of all of our favorite foods.
I wonder if they're gonna have dry salty plums? I've had a craving since last season.
But first.
We will begin the seven-hour crowning ritual.
Now with that out of the way, let us enjoy the nourishment that our bountiful fields provide.
Feast! Ooh, hot, hot, hot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can you pass the salt? Uh, guys, am I missing something? I think we're all missing something.
The food.
I'm all for using your imagination, but this, this is a whole other level.
Okay, I'm officially hangry.
Jing, our heroic-ness is for helping others.
Especially those in need.
And they are clearly in need.
Oh! Is our food not good enough for you village folk? What? No! No, no, no, no.
We're just, uh, taking it all in.
Look at all this yummy Stuff.
Did you whip this up yourself? Because, I mean, wow, this, I mean you should get a food cart, truly.
I mean, you could take this on the road.
Mmm.
Oh, almost as good as my dad's.
I mean, it's better than my dad's.
So good.
It's really good.
To Bao, the God of the Wasteland! MOLE-RATS: All hail glorious Bao! We prayed he would come.
And now I'm here! God status, y'all.
Tell my son how you'll save us all.
Save you from what exactly? The Beast of the Wasteland, of course! When the earth tremors collapsed our tunnel system we had to move above ground where the beast has been picking us off one by one.
He refuses to accept our generous food offerings.
Can't imagine why.
It is the same beast that you defeated in your scroll! We are saved! Oh, the Key-lin.
Yeah, I totally know how to defeat that guy.
It's pronounced "Chee-lin".
Now where does this "Chee-lin" live? [QILIN ROARS.]
The Empress is starting to interfere with our plans.
[GROANING.]
DARK SHADOW: You must control the Empress until everything is in place.
I will.
With the palace still reeling from the Emperor's death, there's a power vacuum left that I intend to fill.
DARK SHADOW: How? I've hired an assassin.
DARK SHADOW: You fool! You are not even in the lineage.
What is your plan? Assassinate the next 50 relatives in line? I, I Hard power is brittle, soft power is resilient.
You must use the Empress until we no longer need her.
Fix this.
You got this, man.
You're a god now.
And you totally look the part.
You know we can all hear you, right? You made your bed, now go lay in it so we can get to the Forbidden City and help the Emperor.
You know I never make my bed.
Bao is great, but I think we should all go, or Ow! The holy text said you defeated the beast alone.
You got this, Bao.
Make us proud.
[BREATHING DEEPLY.]
Just going for a short walk, alone.
Be back in a jif.
Hello? Is anybody there? 'Sup, bro? Nice, uh, back flame.
[ROARING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[PANTING.]
The beast has been defeated.
[CHEERING.]
All hail glorious Bao! - All hail glorious Bao! - Let's go, move along, time's a wasting.
[QILIN GROWLS.]
Probably just a death rattle, you know.
Very common with creatures of that [QILIN ROARS.]
Size.
You are a liar! You have broken our hearts into a million little pieces.
Okay, fine! I admit my memoir was a bit of an embellishment.
And by embellishment he means totally made up.
False God! False God! False God! We spent weeks building a statue to honor you.
I'll take Bao's place.
What? Bao always has my back.
No.
Not really.
When? So I've got his.
Okay, at this point I think that I should just Seriously? Fan Tong, what are you doing? Let Master Po handle this.
The strange sand puppies gave me the nod.
I'm trying to help you.
But I don't want your help.
What's wrong with my help? I'm perfectly capable.
Move, please.
Make me.
- Just leave me alone.
- No! - Why? - Because I'm your friend! Say uncle.
- Bao.
- Say it.
Say uncle! You're not my uncle! All hail glorious Fan Tong! All hail glorious Fan Tong! Stop.
You're making me blush.
Probably gonna hurt scroll sales.
LI: Okay, I take back what I said.
You might get away with this, but there's still a chance to do the right thing, which I'm sure you will.
Not so fast.
You best be on your way back to the old folks' home.
Unless you want a fast track to the Spirit Realm.
After the life I've lived, there ain't no way they're gonna let me in.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Ping? Grandma? Is that you? Oh, let me feel your warm embrace! Oh, well, we tried.
Yo, nice catch, Giant Spider.
The pleasure was all mine.
Here goes nothing.
[ALL YELLING.]
Oh, thank you so much for saving my life.
If there is anything I can do to repay you.
Money is good.
Now what? It seems the Imperial Guards don't want us to know the Wellspring is missing.
Which means there is only one place left to go.
Mistress Long, Empress Xiao is not in her chamber.
She insisted on going for a short walk, alone.
Argh! Don't you know how dangerous it is for the Empress to be alone right now? [GASPING.]
Empress, what brings you to this part of the palace? I want to see the pipeline plans for myself.
You know I'm more of a visual learner.
Yes, I recall you copying off of my old tests in home school.
Oh, Shi Long.
You're such a martyr.
Where is your study anyway? Ah, the door is just at the end there.
Full disclosure, there is a lot of dust, old paint, bones of fired servants, discarded artificial kumquat trees, boxes of collars from deceased pets, expired deadly potions, and possibly a family of albino third cousins.
Although I believe they moved.
Ah! Ew.
Really no place for an Empress.
We have a big day tomorrow and I know we both want your father's funeral service to be absolutely perfect.
You should try and get some rest.
What would I do without you? I'd probably be fine, but you know what I mean.
LI: Why would Imperial Guards try to Phase Two me for contacting Po to tell him the Wellspring is in danger? It doesn't make any sense.
Two words, government corruption.
We doin' this or what? [QILIN GROWLS.]
Holy underpants.
Our heroic-ness is for helping others.
[ROARING.]
Hi, friend.
Are you okay? I don't wanna hurt you.
I've come to ask you to please leave the weird ground rodents alone.
They may be crazy, but you've eaten their friends and that's just mean.
I did not eat their friends.
So, I says to the guy, "I'm a mole, not a rat.
" And he lets me go.
Then I totally ratted him out.
I was lonely and have no friends.
I've always been a fan of comedy, and they'd already paid the two drink minimum, so I felt weird about kicking them out.
I love comedy! - You do? - Totally! I'm sure my friend Bao could come up with a clean tight five.
Well, that sounds great! I'd love to have him.
I'd love to have all your friends.
Just let me go get some fliers.
Great news, everyone.
I killed the Qilin.
With kindness.
And our shared love of stand-up comedy.
Stand-up what? I prefer to be prone when I laugh.
And now the Qilin and I are friends.
You have proven yourself to be a true warrior through your compassion.
I always wanted a pony.
Anyway, the Qilin agreed to leave you guys alone from now on.
A truce! A truce! A truce! A truce! Would you care for an apple? Great job, buddy.
Solved the problem and nobody got hurt.
Well, except for Bao, egotistically speaking.
- All hail glorious Fan Tong! - Wow, thank you.
I'm very flattered, but I'm not your god.
My friends and I must continue on our journey.
But we wish you the best of luck.
And, uh, we'll make sure to speak with the Emperor about getting you guys water to help your, uh, civilization thrive again.
I'm guessing it thrived once? Maybe? There it is! The Forbidden City! I can tell you're angry.
You ambushed me on a job you hired me for.
I always complete my missions.
No matter what.
Don't worry, I have a much bigger mission for you now.
And do you have any associates? You will need some help taking out the Dragon Master and his students, the Four Constellations.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
PO: All right, gang, I know we're all hungry because we skipped second lunch, but let's try not to freak out, okay? We've made it this far and I'm sure the fertile part is just over that hill up ahead.
Okay, my bad.
Your bad indeed! You said it, boss.
He sure did.
Zip it, dumdums! But I'm too young to die! And I'm too pretty! Boys.
So dramatic.
If it gets to the point we have to survive by eating each other, I say we start with the Dragon Master since he got everyone's hopes up.
Except mine.
I know how to manage my expectations! Ooh! Very tender.
Hey! I was kidding! I'm a vegetarian.
CHOW GUARD 1: We're lookin' for the Mayor.
You boys seen Li? Nope.
You seen him, Dim? Sure haven't, Sum.
Where are the Guardians of the Wellspring? Uh What's a well spring, Dim? Darned if I know, Sum.
Attention, everybody.
I just wanted to confirm that everything is totally normal in the village and nothing weird or concerning is going on with the Wellspring.
And in even more good news, Mei Mei is apparently going on tour, so all further performances of hers have been canceled.
[ALL CHEERING.]
It's a miracle! Are you Mayor Li? I sure am.
And also my son is the Dragon Master.
We come from the palace on behalf of Mistress Empress Xiao.
Dragon Master Po received your letter regarding the Wellspring and asked us to come on his behalf.
Oh, thank heavens! Help has arrived! We'd like to speak with you in private so as not to alarm the other villagers.
A top secret government meeting.
Oh! Po would be so proud.
He's my son, you know.
Is it dark in here or am I finally suffering the consequences of having looked into that eclipse? I think I just need to get a little air.
I think I'm having a panic attack.
Do either of you have a paper bag? How do I look? I want my people to see a leader.
Someone who is warm and kind.
Not scaly and badly dressed.
No offense.
How could I possibly be offended? Your highness.
I come before you on behalf of Bunnyburg.
The drought is worse than ever.
We are unable to grow crops and the resources we ship in have ceased completely.
Well, that is just unacceptable.
How did that sound? I was going for authoritative, but also a, "Hey, the Empress is just like us" vibe.
It worked for me? Oh, really? Thank you so much.
You are so sweet.
I thought the pipeline thingy was supposed to be working by now.
Projects of this size and nature take time.
I'm starting to think we can't wait for Dragon Master Po and the Four Constellations to arrive.
I think I might have to investigate this on my own.
I say this with the utmost respect, Your Majesty, you can't just wave a wand and fix everything.
[SIGHING.]
You're absolutely right, Shi Long.
Note to self, buy a scepter.
I pinky swear to personally see to it that our plans to address the drought be sped up asap.
In the meantime, my Imperial Guards will prepare a large shipment of food and resources to be sent back with you to Chinchillaville.
[GUARDS EXCLAIMING.]
Uh, I'm actually a Rabbit.
Of course you are.
Oh, thank you, your highness.
Oh, thank you so much.
Yes! Nailed it.
[YELLING.]
Easy, little guys, we come in peace.
Peace? We do not do peace.
We are warriors! [YELLING.]
Look, look, guys! Hey! I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding.
We don't want to hurt you.
I kinda do.
Uh, mmm, can we just talk for a sec? Huh? 'Cause we're kind of in a hurry.
Talk? Ha! We do not talk.
We fight.
We punch, we kick, we do head butts, sometimes there's biting, finger pointing in the This thing's so defective.
Attack! Huh? Ow, ow, ow! Bao? 'Sup? All hail glorious Bao! MOLE-RATS: All hail glorious Bao! - All hail glorious Bao! - How do they know your name? - Shh! I'm basking.
It's beautiful.
- All hail glorious Bao! We have read the holy text and have waited for the arrival of our savior.
Oh, brother.
Literally.
You are all invited to a big feast in honor of the new God of the Wasteland.
Ah! The God of the Wasteland, yeah! That sounds so edgy, so urban.
You had us at big feast.
Who else knows about the Wellspring being in danger? Is this a prank? Did Ping put you up to this? Who's Ping? Does he know about the Wellspring, too? No one knows about the Wellspring missing besides me.
Perfect.
Let's move to Phase Two.
LI: I do not like Phase Two.
I repeat, I do not like Phase Two.
[BONES CRACKING.]
[MOANING.]
Your pedipalps are magic! My, you are just full of tension.
I'd love to go all shiatsu on you, but I might draw blood.
Oh! What the heck? What are you doing on my table? That's a health code violation.
I've got very urgent business, Li is missing! LI: Uh, please, I just have a number of questions about Phase Two.
Well, we found him.
Looks like we're too late.
Spider-guy, I need you to work on my trapezius muscles.
Well, if you're not gonna do anything, I will! Dead or alive, I'm getting my best friend back.
And revenge! Hey.
In honor of the arrival of our new god and esteemed guests, I present to you, a traditional feast of all of our favorite foods.
I wonder if they're gonna have dry salty plums? I've had a craving since last season.
But first.
We will begin the seven-hour crowning ritual.
Now with that out of the way, let us enjoy the nourishment that our bountiful fields provide.
Feast! Ooh, hot, hot, hot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can you pass the salt? Uh, guys, am I missing something? I think we're all missing something.
The food.
I'm all for using your imagination, but this, this is a whole other level.
Okay, I'm officially hangry.
Jing, our heroic-ness is for helping others.
Especially those in need.
And they are clearly in need.
Oh! Is our food not good enough for you village folk? What? No! No, no, no, no.
We're just, uh, taking it all in.
Look at all this yummy Stuff.
Did you whip this up yourself? Because, I mean, wow, this, I mean you should get a food cart, truly.
I mean, you could take this on the road.
Mmm.
Oh, almost as good as my dad's.
I mean, it's better than my dad's.
So good.
It's really good.
To Bao, the God of the Wasteland! MOLE-RATS: All hail glorious Bao! We prayed he would come.
And now I'm here! God status, y'all.
Tell my son how you'll save us all.
Save you from what exactly? The Beast of the Wasteland, of course! When the earth tremors collapsed our tunnel system we had to move above ground where the beast has been picking us off one by one.
He refuses to accept our generous food offerings.
Can't imagine why.
It is the same beast that you defeated in your scroll! We are saved! Oh, the Key-lin.
Yeah, I totally know how to defeat that guy.
It's pronounced "Chee-lin".
Now where does this "Chee-lin" live? [QILIN ROARS.]
The Empress is starting to interfere with our plans.
[GROANING.]
DARK SHADOW: You must control the Empress until everything is in place.
I will.
With the palace still reeling from the Emperor's death, there's a power vacuum left that I intend to fill.
DARK SHADOW: How? I've hired an assassin.
DARK SHADOW: You fool! You are not even in the lineage.
What is your plan? Assassinate the next 50 relatives in line? I, I Hard power is brittle, soft power is resilient.
You must use the Empress until we no longer need her.
Fix this.
You got this, man.
You're a god now.
And you totally look the part.
You know we can all hear you, right? You made your bed, now go lay in it so we can get to the Forbidden City and help the Emperor.
You know I never make my bed.
Bao is great, but I think we should all go, or Ow! The holy text said you defeated the beast alone.
You got this, Bao.
Make us proud.
[BREATHING DEEPLY.]
Just going for a short walk, alone.
Be back in a jif.
Hello? Is anybody there? 'Sup, bro? Nice, uh, back flame.
[ROARING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[PANTING.]
The beast has been defeated.
[CHEERING.]
All hail glorious Bao! - All hail glorious Bao! - Let's go, move along, time's a wasting.
[QILIN GROWLS.]
Probably just a death rattle, you know.
Very common with creatures of that [QILIN ROARS.]
Size.
You are a liar! You have broken our hearts into a million little pieces.
Okay, fine! I admit my memoir was a bit of an embellishment.
And by embellishment he means totally made up.
False God! False God! False God! We spent weeks building a statue to honor you.
I'll take Bao's place.
What? Bao always has my back.
No.
Not really.
When? So I've got his.
Okay, at this point I think that I should just Seriously? Fan Tong, what are you doing? Let Master Po handle this.
The strange sand puppies gave me the nod.
I'm trying to help you.
But I don't want your help.
What's wrong with my help? I'm perfectly capable.
Move, please.
Make me.
- Just leave me alone.
- No! - Why? - Because I'm your friend! Say uncle.
- Bao.
- Say it.
Say uncle! You're not my uncle! All hail glorious Fan Tong! All hail glorious Fan Tong! Stop.
You're making me blush.
Probably gonna hurt scroll sales.
LI: Okay, I take back what I said.
You might get away with this, but there's still a chance to do the right thing, which I'm sure you will.
Not so fast.
You best be on your way back to the old folks' home.
Unless you want a fast track to the Spirit Realm.
After the life I've lived, there ain't no way they're gonna let me in.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Ping? Grandma? Is that you? Oh, let me feel your warm embrace! Oh, well, we tried.
Yo, nice catch, Giant Spider.
The pleasure was all mine.
Here goes nothing.
[ALL YELLING.]
Oh, thank you so much for saving my life.
If there is anything I can do to repay you.
Money is good.
Now what? It seems the Imperial Guards don't want us to know the Wellspring is missing.
Which means there is only one place left to go.
Mistress Long, Empress Xiao is not in her chamber.
She insisted on going for a short walk, alone.
Argh! Don't you know how dangerous it is for the Empress to be alone right now? [GASPING.]
Empress, what brings you to this part of the palace? I want to see the pipeline plans for myself.
You know I'm more of a visual learner.
Yes, I recall you copying off of my old tests in home school.
Oh, Shi Long.
You're such a martyr.
Where is your study anyway? Ah, the door is just at the end there.
Full disclosure, there is a lot of dust, old paint, bones of fired servants, discarded artificial kumquat trees, boxes of collars from deceased pets, expired deadly potions, and possibly a family of albino third cousins.
Although I believe they moved.
Ah! Ew.
Really no place for an Empress.
We have a big day tomorrow and I know we both want your father's funeral service to be absolutely perfect.
You should try and get some rest.
What would I do without you? I'd probably be fine, but you know what I mean.
LI: Why would Imperial Guards try to Phase Two me for contacting Po to tell him the Wellspring is in danger? It doesn't make any sense.
Two words, government corruption.
We doin' this or what? [QILIN GROWLS.]
Holy underpants.
Our heroic-ness is for helping others.
[ROARING.]
Hi, friend.
Are you okay? I don't wanna hurt you.
I've come to ask you to please leave the weird ground rodents alone.
They may be crazy, but you've eaten their friends and that's just mean.
I did not eat their friends.
So, I says to the guy, "I'm a mole, not a rat.
" And he lets me go.
Then I totally ratted him out.
I was lonely and have no friends.
I've always been a fan of comedy, and they'd already paid the two drink minimum, so I felt weird about kicking them out.
I love comedy! - You do? - Totally! I'm sure my friend Bao could come up with a clean tight five.
Well, that sounds great! I'd love to have him.
I'd love to have all your friends.
Just let me go get some fliers.
Great news, everyone.
I killed the Qilin.
With kindness.
And our shared love of stand-up comedy.
Stand-up what? I prefer to be prone when I laugh.
And now the Qilin and I are friends.
You have proven yourself to be a true warrior through your compassion.
I always wanted a pony.
Anyway, the Qilin agreed to leave you guys alone from now on.
A truce! A truce! A truce! A truce! Would you care for an apple? Great job, buddy.
Solved the problem and nobody got hurt.
Well, except for Bao, egotistically speaking.
- All hail glorious Fan Tong! - Wow, thank you.
I'm very flattered, but I'm not your god.
My friends and I must continue on our journey.
But we wish you the best of luck.
And, uh, we'll make sure to speak with the Emperor about getting you guys water to help your, uh, civilization thrive again.
I'm guessing it thrived once? Maybe? There it is! The Forbidden City! I can tell you're angry.
You ambushed me on a job you hired me for.
I always complete my missions.
No matter what.
Don't worry, I have a much bigger mission for you now.
And do you have any associates? You will need some help taking out the Dragon Master and his students, the Four Constellations.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]