La La Land (2010) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
(PA) Welcome to Los Angeles lnternational Airport.
(Narrator) Everybody's flocking to the city of dreams, hoping to hitch their wagon to a star.
Passport, please.
What is the purpose of your visit? l'm an actor, douche-bag.
(Laughs) l'm a psychic superstar.
l'm a documentary filmmaker.
l'm here to win prizes, sweetcheeks.
- Are you travelling alone? - No, l've got my mum in here.
What these three men don't realise is that fame and fortune are fleeting.
lt's stupidity that's eternal.
Welcome to La La Land.
- Chico? - Yes, Mr Shirley.
- Do you know who that is there? - John Lennon.
Well, the spirit is saying to me sometimes this card, it means that you might end up getting assassinated.
- Do you understand? - Yeah, l understand now.
OK.
- Ah, Rock Hudson! - AlDS.
- (Phone) - Hello? (Whispers) How much money? How much money? Eryeah, how much money you - No.
- Er200 dollar? - (Woman) Uh-huh.
- No, no, no.
No, no.
No, no.
Don't lose it.
Say something like, ''Don't bullshit me, bitch.
What have you got?'' - OK.
- lntimidate her.
- Go on.
- Don't bullshit me, you know, because No, no.
He no working less than thousand dollar.
All right, l'll do it, l'll do it! Tell 'em l'll do it! (Gary) So you pour beer over ice? Dean Martin taught me to do that.
After a series of setbacks, Gary is reassessing his approach to cracking Hollywood.
Anyway, let's go back to how you walk into a room or how you walk out on a stage l just go in, l'm like - No, you don't just go and do, ''Uh!'' - Right.
That's most unattractive.
- Stop acting! - Jesus, Mrs L, you've got a bit of a - You know why? - .
.
a bite on you.
- Because l care.
- l know.
- But l don't want to - That you not make an ass out of yourself.
- lf l go in and l'm like ''All right?'' - lf you go in, just be yourself.
Mm.
But learn how to project that self.
- What, you think l need better togs? - There's a fellow that l want you to see.
And maybe, just maybe, might be able to help you.
- So go see him and we'll talk, OK? - OK, cool.
- Are you - Hi.
- Are you Bobby? - Yes.
- You must be Gary.
How are you? - (Sniggers) Yeah, all right.
Have a seat, have a seat.
l am America's leading paragon of style, an ultimate cultural immortality dazzler and eclipser.
There's only one Bobby Trendy.
(Laughs) l'm sorry.
- Are you startled by my - l'm sorry, yeah, a little bit, you know.
My name says itself, Bobby Trendy.
You can Google that all day and all night.
- Right.
- Millions of images will pop up.
So many people would love to be me, so many of 'em.
Are you one of those girls up top, you know, and like all lumpy down below? Oh, no, no, no.
These are just fancy clothes.
l'm just a boy.
l like fancy things.
- Right, yeah.
- OK? - ls this Ruta? ls she behind this? - We are gonna help you.
lt's Punk'd, innit? Ashton Kutcher's gonna come out No, this is for real.
- We're here to help you.
- (Laughs) Very good! Very good! All right, you can come out, Ruta! She's done this, hasn't she? - (Siren) - Put you up and got you all dressed up silly.
Got you coming here.
Mate, l'm not having a makeover by a little child dressed as a medieval time traveller.
- We're - A child ain't gonna tell me what to wear.
- .
.
we're gonna help you.
- Who's doing this? The audition lines are round the corner, everyone.
ls this Punk'd? Bring that little bitch back here.
Downtown, Brendan has begun work on his most ambitious idea yet.
He plans to build a hotel for the homeless in just one day and film the process.
Architect Richard Best has agreed to design Brendan's hotel.
l'm interested in making a hotel for the homeless, and l thought, ''Hob-tel, you've got hotel.
'' - So you've got Hobtel, basically.
- Tel.
- lf there was no one there, that'd be hobo.
- Right, right, right, OK.
l think l would shy away from hobo hobo word.
lt's a hotel.
Hobos, hobtel.
That would kind of be a catchy thing that the public could kind of grab onto.
Um OK, look, rather than patronise these people, l went into the streets armed with some crayons and some beers, and l got them to just etch down what they thought.
- l need to see that.
- That's what l think we should look at.
These are quite basic.
There's one in particular that l was thinking of.
Oh, those are great.
This is quite an inventive idea.
This is a beer can.
Yes, it is.
- lt's just a shape.
- Well, let's look at what else it presents.
l mean this is something this person's very familiar with, beer.
- Yeah.
- He's communicating through the use of that.
This is taking it to an extreme.
lt's not one that l feel we could even do.
Mm-hm, what is the connective tissue amongst all these is habitation and flexibility.
- Yeah.
- That's cool.
t looks cool, but l wouldn't touch Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- OK, OK.
OK, thank you.
- Just in case.
Oh, bloody hell.
There is some ofthere is some of our population right there as we speak.
- Put that in your pocket.
- What is that? lt's a spray, a Mace spray, if they do come over.
When you press this down, it just jets like a spray in their face.
OK.
- lt'll just knock them back - OK.
.
.
once you spray them.
Outside of the filming, tell me the rest of the schedule.
How long are you shooting this? - The whole day.
All the way through.
- The whole day? One day? Right the way up to nightfall, have a party.
These guys can bring all their friends.
- And at the end of today, it's done? - lt's done.
ln Studio City, Shirley is preparing for his performance in tonight's psychic showcase.
For me, could we do some flickering of the lights like that? So it looks like spirits have got into the building.
Yes.
Do you want it to come on when you come out? - Right, OK.
- So do we have total control over this? - l may if l'm inspired to.
l just thought - OK.
- That's a lovely shirt.
- Oh, thank you.
- Lovely.
- (Chuckles) - Hi, guys.
- How do you do? - Hi.
- Hi.
Jack.
- Can l just say l'm a huge fan? - Thank you.
Now, you're from England? Yes.
Well, Manchester.
Just outside of Manchester, Oldham.
So are you wearing the amethyst to ward off negativity? - (Chuckles) Yeah.
- You are wise.
Oh, wow! My God, that's gorgeous! - Oh, yes.
Aren't these fun? - Wow.
But, no, it wards off negativity and it also promotes your psychic ability.
l have two raw ones in a sack.
- That is so good.
- Yeah, so you say.
- Did you bring it? - l do have them.
- Stick one in your pocket when you read.
- That's right.
Jack.
Can l see your amethyst? My God, that is huge.
One in each pocket? - Yeah.
- They are lovely.
You're not the first person to touch my amethysts and call them lovely.
(Chuckles) You are so bloody - flirty.
- Oh, no.
Yes, you are.
- So are you doing make-up? - Yeah.
How about you run along, give us boys some time alone to collect our thoughts? - Yeah.
- Well, we're just going to eat now.
- After she's done, we're going to eat.
- Oh, are we? - Yeah.
- But now, just to give us a bit of time.
Yeah, OK.
What? Oh, no, no.
l'm just playing.
l'm just teasing.
- Do you want to exchange numbers? - No, no, l'ml'm straight.
- Sorry? - l'm straight.
- Yeah.
- l am.
Honest to God.
Totally serious.
l'm straight too.
No, l am.
l am, actually.
- OK.
- l'm completely straight.
l keep getting you putting thoughts in my head, if you know what l mean.
- l'm putting thoughts in your head? - You know.
No, l don't know.
Let's put your collar straight.
- There we go.
- You look bloody gorgeous.
- That looks great.
- There we go.
No.
Back at the site, Brendan is in talks with the president of Fatburger about building a restaurant in his hotel for the homeless.
l'm not building a restaurant.
We're not building a restaurant.
l can't do that, and l want that understood.
Let's do it and then we can just shake.
- But l can't - OK, are we rolling? - So what are you going to do for us today? - l can't do that today - No, no, and cut.
So you do that bit.
- But - Roll it, Kiki.
- l can't, l can't - So what's gonna happen - l'm not gonna commit.
- No, don't say that.
That's not gonna work.
- l know, but l can't give - l'm not - That isn't gonna work.
Can we cut that? Cut that.
l'm not gonna commit to $400,000 and be held responsible lf you just say it, that'd be great.
- l can't say it.
l'm not gonna say it.
- So, umwe're building this today.
- What are you guys gonna do? Roll it, Kiki.
- l can't.
- l can't.
- OK, so what's going on? - l think that you have a great idea.
- Thank you very much.
- OK.
And l think that what you need to do - So you're bringing your guys in? - l can't commit - God! Can we cut this? - l want you to understand - Can you do some nodding? Kiki, come round.
And nod.
Just look at me and nod and then say ''l'm in.
'' - l'll help you, you have to understand - Oh, no, no, no.
- l can't - Just say, ''l'm in.
'' Say, ''We're in.
'' Just to get the sound bite.
l can't commit to say, ''We're in'', there's too big a commitment right there That's fine, you just said it.
l can cut into that.
You know, l can literally cut around that.
You've said the words, which is fine.
So you heard it here first.
Fatburger are gonna be coming down here, building the restaurant.
We're gonna have people, homeless guys coming in here.
They're gonna actually run the restaurant, l take it, serve the burgers, so it's all good news.
That's fine, and cut.
Still trying to work out how best to present himself, Gary is hoping actor Arthur Kade will give him a masterclass in self-confidence.
- Arthur Kade? - The one, the only.
So tell me, what do you want? What's your goal here? l want to be the bestest actor in the world, like ever.
What have you done so far to make that happen? Erml'm like doing Well, l've done acting in the UK.
And then l come here, my mummy mum died.
Yeah.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself.
l wear tight jeans, l wear funky sneakers.
But that's who l am and l'm gonna show the world.
lf they don't like it, fuck them.
lf they love it, great.
l've never failed at anything l've done.
Never.
l was number one in my Fortune 500 company and l broke every record.
l was doing shit that's never been done before.
l was making six figures, l was killing it.
l was banging the hottest chicks, travelling to the coolest places, but the challenge was over.
l've got unbelievable looks, and where l'm happy is being on the stage, whether it's a stage one-on-one, or in front of millions of people in a movie or TV show.
One of the big things that's in my blog is l rate women.
So if you and l were sitting here and a girl walks by, - smoking-hot girl, great tits and ass - Yeah.
.
.
she's an eight, l'd fuck the shit out of her.
Or l You know, she needs a nose job.
We would have that discussion.
- Two crab roll.
- Yes.
Hungry.
Kade is hungry.
- Oh, brilliant.
- Enjoy.
- Three and a half to four.
- Three and a half? Three and a half to four and a half.
l don't usually comment under six.
l just gave you a range.
So l'm doing things that have never been seen before.
l mean, that's what people are saying.
And l have all of Hollywood following the journey, cheering, and people see that and they recognise that.
How you doing that? - Well - How many teeth do you think l've got? Teeth? Thirty-six.
- l don't know.
40.
- No.
- Five.
- No.
- Does that make you more successful? - Go on, guess.
- Thirty-eight.
- No.
- Thirty-nine.
- Colder.
- Forty-one.
- Cold.
- Forty-four.
- You should go down the other way.
- Just tell me.
lt doesn't matter.
- You can't guess.
Three more guesses.
- Thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight.
- No, thirty-three.
OK, so (Burps) Pardon me.
So, Jack, can you tell me a little bit about yourself? Erml'm a clairvoyant and remote viewer.
l've worked internationally.
Also was featured by the Associated Press in 2006, 2007, 2008.
l also predicted the collision of a US naval submarine with an oil tanker three months before it happened.
Last summer when the Russians invaded Georgia, l had predicted that.
Documented prediction, the invasion of Georgia.
- Yeah.
- Look at that picture there.
Oh, and l'm the research associate with, um internationally acclaimed parapsychologist Dr Barry E Taff.
- l hate talking about myself.
- Cool.
l, er Could you put for me something like, um erer - ''He has come to walk among us.
'' - He has come - Thank you.
- .
.
to walk among us.
- Psychic - What did you put in his water? - You put something in there.
- No, no, l didn't.
l was, er No, haven't been anywhere near it.
Smell it, it should be fine.
Actually, l do have to go to the men's room.
All right.
- (Grunts) - l wouldn't drink it.
- He should drink it.
- OK.
He should drink it.
Why did you say anything? Because l saw it.
l just wondered what the heck it was.
Just to take the edge off for him cos l can see he's nervous.
- Well, did you - l'm just feeling a bit threatened by him.
Because he's been putting thoughts into my head for the last hour.
Like quite sexual thoughts.
- Really? - Yeah, like l've got a tingling in my anus.
He's been putting it there, and l know he has, because he's quite predatory.
l can see it in his eyes.
He showed me his amethysts.
Well, l don't personally feel like what you did is OK, and l no longer want you to be part of this performance.
Meanwhile back at the site, Brendan is meeting with interior designer Leslie Harris, who has agreed to work on the project.
- Brendan? - Hold on, let me just get Just cos there's a couple of homeless over there, and if they do come close - l don't want to treat them like that.
- l'd rather hold on to the cattle prod.
OK, all right.
- What are we doing here? - We're building a bloody hotel.
- But we're doing it right now, right here? - Well, no, we're just designing the room.
This is to what, try to raise more money for We're doing it today.
The launch is tonight.
They need to see the hotel.
lt doesn't matter if we haven't finished it.
Unless it's a few floors high, we're gonna be fucked.
So we just need to Kiki, can you come round and film? Start filming.
Stay back! Brendan, what is it about 'em that scares you so much? - They stink.
- Yeah.
- They're - And yet you're building a house - Can we cut? - .
.
to house them.
Yeah, and it'll win me prizes when this thing gets released.
OK, so that's more of your concern than helping them? Erwell, that's what we're all doing it for, isn't it, really? - OK, film this.
- No.
So we're just going through our room design, and we're now gonna move on and actually build the thing, aren't we? The hotel.
- So, er - Leslie.
Leslie is gonna be laying some of the first bricks.
Let's see how we get on.
Brilliant.
OK, and cut.
Right, OK, done.
Next bit, we need to just lay some bricks.
l'm going to go to Home Depot.
- What did the architect have to say? - He said we couldn't do it.
- No, you can't.
- Oh, no.
Can you not film this? You need structural engineers.
You need permits by the city.
Oh, don't lf you're positive You're a hippy, you should know about this.
- l'm not a hippy.
- But you smoke pot.
- No, l don't.
- We're just gonna build it, all right? l'd like to see them come and try and shut us down, and we'll be like, ''Hippy power!'' Do you have city permits? Yes.
What do you want me to say? - He's got to go? - He's got to go.
This guy needs to either leave voluntarily or be escorted off by the police.
- He's beyond eccentric, he's dangerous.
- Jack? - Yes, sir? - We're all square now, aren't we? lt was my mistake.
You'd better believe it was your mistake.
l don't want to fucking see you.
Well, l got a tingling around my anus earlier.
You My anus isn't tingling.
My fists are tingling.
- What about the tingle in the anus? - Yeah - That's a lie.
- l don't want him going out on that stage.
He doesn't belong here any more.
That's it, man.
Right, all done and dusted.
We're already He's happy, l'm happy.
- But we're not happy.
- Come on.
l'm ready to physically escort you out myself.
That's a threat, man.
You are threatening me.
l'm threatening to call the police right now.
- Please.
- You gotta go.
The sun is setting on Brendan's documentary about building a hotel for the homeless.
ln his rush to find backers for the project, Brendan has forgotten to cancel the party he scheduled for the grand opening.
Right, Kiki, get the Gather round like there's a party! (Clapping) Right, can we get - Right, that's great.
Kiki! - Yeah? Can you get a shot of them clapping me? (Clapping) What am l even doing trying to build a bloody hotel? Cos it's bullshit.
Because, you know, l l've been in cathedrals around the world, and none of them have got a roof as pretty as that.
Look at that.
We all live under that bloody roof, all of us.
l just wanted to say l've learned a lot about myself as a documentary filmmaker.
- And l've learned a lot about, um - (Chattering) .
.
homeless people.
- Can you a shut up a second? - You said five minutes.
- l'm not going over five minutes.
- lt's been over five minutes.
We're gonna cut the thing in a minute.
Cut the thing.
Because we're all bloody Hold it tight.
Cos we're all bloody homeless.
(Cheering) Having learned nothing from Bobby Trendy or Arthur Kade, Gary decides to hit a bar and fall back on what he knows best.
Can l just say, if like heaven was missing an angel Oh, no, hold on.
lf likeif heaven was ermissed an angel lf youif you was dead, and you were an Sorry, l don't Like, if heaven was missing an angel, you'd l don't Oh, Jesus, hold on.
Let me do this again.
(Chuckles) See, that that's my boyfriend over there.
Oh, sorry, l was just l literally was - l wasn't doing nothing, mate.
- lt's all right.
l was just saying like What about tonight, two becomes three? - What? - What about two becomes three tonight? - ls this a fucking Spice Girls song or what? - You know what l mean, don't you? - No, we ain't no fucking swingers.
- l know.
But like at Christmas time once, round Mickey's place, me and like Mickey l woke up, and he had Sandra like mucking about by the Christmas tree and then, like, l couldn't get a hard-on anyway, it was like putting a bloody marshmallow into a slot machine, cos Sandra's quite fit, and she was there, like, and he was bringing her nipples up, and l was trying to like get in there but l couldn't, and he was like, ''Go on, do it,'' and l went, ''No, mate,'' and l couldn't do it, l couldn't rise to the occasion, but - Sounds like a personal problem.
- (Coughing) - You carry Viagra in this bag or what? - No, it's just my mum in there.
- Here's to my mum.
- Yeah, cheers.
Cheers.
Pass her out, pass her out.
lt's sad.
l would like you to have a little bit of my mum.
- (Both) No.
- Cos, honestly, we have had the best time.
Mate, would you just take a little sprinkle? A little bit in our drinks just to finish the night off.
Right, Billy.
Let's go back to Ruta's and have a spit roast.
We're not going back to your house.
We were sitting here having a right laugh and then bloody grumpy guts turned up - l ain't fucking grumpy, bro.
- You're gonna have a great night tonight.
- l have a great night every night.
- l know, but l've worked her all up now.
And you can take that and do with it as you will.
l'm gonna go.
Give me a call, and remember me tonight when you're doing your stuff.
All right? Listen, like, you know, you are you are the most beautiful lf heaven was missing an angel, you'd be a lf you were an angel, then you'd be dead lt's like, l don't know what the thing is but whatever that is, that's you.
Has your father passed over? OK, no.
Has yours? OK.
Umwhat it You know, it's because lt might be - Do you have a scar here? - No.
No? OK.
- l can help you and you can help me.
- Please.
- Let's go outside for a second.
- No, no.
- What do you mean, no? - l can help her.
- You're not gonna help me.
- Give me some eye contact.
- You got my eyes? - Yeah.
Well, you are in for a lot more entertainment and joyful interaction this evening.
l was supposed to be on that stage and she took it away from me.
OK, now you're doing the victim thing.
Glynis wrote the bestselling book Glynis Has Your Number.
l'm an ex-naval commander.
You want to take me on, dude, take me on.
l don't want to l don't care what sexual orientation you are, l am just saying l said naval commander.
Why did you bring up sex? Uhshe's a recurring guest on The Tony Danza Show.
She's gonna fall on her ass, and it's a big one.
- l don't think she's gonna - And she's not gonna be bouncing.
Glynis McCants has truly mastered the science of numerology You got a problem with you, dude.
- Please welcome Glynis McCants.
- (Cheering) (Glynis) Shirley's here! Shirley's here! Get him out of here! Shirley's fucking here! Hi, guys.
- (Glynis) Hi, everyone.
- Don't pull my tie.
Get off my tie.
Get off myget off my tie.
- Get the cops! Get the goddam cops! - Get off my tie.
Let's give a hand to the energy and turn it around.
Let's turn it around.
Thank you! OK, watch it.
- (Glass clinking) - l'm not kidding.
- (Smash) - Stop it already.
- (Panting) - That'sthat's it.
That's the one.
- OK - Would you just get off me? - Just say - You Look what he did to me.
Look what they did to me, Glynis.
- Let's step off the stage.
- No.
- Give me a chance.
Just give me a chance.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- OK, l'm getting - Can you believe this shit? - l'm getting a George.
George? - Can somebody call the police, please? l need a squad car at the Theater West in Los Angeles.
He's either really tall or he's stood on a chair.
Yes, can you claim George? OK, l feel your pain.
l feel your shame.
But you're not to blame.
lt's very common for ladies of your age.
You need to try to drink less coffee.
And the people in Walmart, they have got cleaners to clean all that up.
Do you understand? All right, OK.
Leave me alone! Give me a chance! Get off me! Get off me! That's assault! - Me and Mickey are mad, Vladimir.
- Oh, really? But when you get the two of us together, l mean Jesus.
l've known Mickey like all my life.
l met him when l was like four.
Tell you what, though, mate.
l wish he was here.
Cos like it don't matter what experiences you have Yeah? .
.
if you ain't got someone to share 'em with.
Why don't you call him? You know, you can call him, right? Yeah, l can call him.
Mickey! What time is it out there, mate? Must be early.
Jesus Christ.
What are you doing up? Oh, you're doing the market? Right.
Hey, Mickey.
Things are going well out here.
You know, l'm doing like acting and all that, networking.
Going to the parties.
There's loads of fit birds and all that.
Hey, Mickey.
l miss you, mate.
lt's crazy out here.
l don't l'm like having a l'm having a brilliant time.
Look, mate, l've just pulled up outside a club and it's all a bit mad, so l'm gonna have to go.
l'll catch you later.
Yeah, all right, mate.
Bye.
(Narrator) Everybody's flocking to the city of dreams, hoping to hitch their wagon to a star.
Passport, please.
What is the purpose of your visit? l'm an actor, douche-bag.
(Laughs) l'm a psychic superstar.
l'm a documentary filmmaker.
l'm here to win prizes, sweetcheeks.
- Are you travelling alone? - No, l've got my mum in here.
What these three men don't realise is that fame and fortune are fleeting.
lt's stupidity that's eternal.
Welcome to La La Land.
- Chico? - Yes, Mr Shirley.
- Do you know who that is there? - John Lennon.
Well, the spirit is saying to me sometimes this card, it means that you might end up getting assassinated.
- Do you understand? - Yeah, l understand now.
OK.
- Ah, Rock Hudson! - AlDS.
- (Phone) - Hello? (Whispers) How much money? How much money? Eryeah, how much money you - No.
- Er200 dollar? - (Woman) Uh-huh.
- No, no, no.
No, no.
No, no.
Don't lose it.
Say something like, ''Don't bullshit me, bitch.
What have you got?'' - OK.
- lntimidate her.
- Go on.
- Don't bullshit me, you know, because No, no.
He no working less than thousand dollar.
All right, l'll do it, l'll do it! Tell 'em l'll do it! (Gary) So you pour beer over ice? Dean Martin taught me to do that.
After a series of setbacks, Gary is reassessing his approach to cracking Hollywood.
Anyway, let's go back to how you walk into a room or how you walk out on a stage l just go in, l'm like - No, you don't just go and do, ''Uh!'' - Right.
That's most unattractive.
- Stop acting! - Jesus, Mrs L, you've got a bit of a - You know why? - .
.
a bite on you.
- Because l care.
- l know.
- But l don't want to - That you not make an ass out of yourself.
- lf l go in and l'm like ''All right?'' - lf you go in, just be yourself.
Mm.
But learn how to project that self.
- What, you think l need better togs? - There's a fellow that l want you to see.
And maybe, just maybe, might be able to help you.
- So go see him and we'll talk, OK? - OK, cool.
- Are you - Hi.
- Are you Bobby? - Yes.
- You must be Gary.
How are you? - (Sniggers) Yeah, all right.
Have a seat, have a seat.
l am America's leading paragon of style, an ultimate cultural immortality dazzler and eclipser.
There's only one Bobby Trendy.
(Laughs) l'm sorry.
- Are you startled by my - l'm sorry, yeah, a little bit, you know.
My name says itself, Bobby Trendy.
You can Google that all day and all night.
- Right.
- Millions of images will pop up.
So many people would love to be me, so many of 'em.
Are you one of those girls up top, you know, and like all lumpy down below? Oh, no, no, no.
These are just fancy clothes.
l'm just a boy.
l like fancy things.
- Right, yeah.
- OK? - ls this Ruta? ls she behind this? - We are gonna help you.
lt's Punk'd, innit? Ashton Kutcher's gonna come out No, this is for real.
- We're here to help you.
- (Laughs) Very good! Very good! All right, you can come out, Ruta! She's done this, hasn't she? - (Siren) - Put you up and got you all dressed up silly.
Got you coming here.
Mate, l'm not having a makeover by a little child dressed as a medieval time traveller.
- We're - A child ain't gonna tell me what to wear.
- .
.
we're gonna help you.
- Who's doing this? The audition lines are round the corner, everyone.
ls this Punk'd? Bring that little bitch back here.
Downtown, Brendan has begun work on his most ambitious idea yet.
He plans to build a hotel for the homeless in just one day and film the process.
Architect Richard Best has agreed to design Brendan's hotel.
l'm interested in making a hotel for the homeless, and l thought, ''Hob-tel, you've got hotel.
'' - So you've got Hobtel, basically.
- Tel.
- lf there was no one there, that'd be hobo.
- Right, right, right, OK.
l think l would shy away from hobo hobo word.
lt's a hotel.
Hobos, hobtel.
That would kind of be a catchy thing that the public could kind of grab onto.
Um OK, look, rather than patronise these people, l went into the streets armed with some crayons and some beers, and l got them to just etch down what they thought.
- l need to see that.
- That's what l think we should look at.
These are quite basic.
There's one in particular that l was thinking of.
Oh, those are great.
This is quite an inventive idea.
This is a beer can.
Yes, it is.
- lt's just a shape.
- Well, let's look at what else it presents.
l mean this is something this person's very familiar with, beer.
- Yeah.
- He's communicating through the use of that.
This is taking it to an extreme.
lt's not one that l feel we could even do.
Mm-hm, what is the connective tissue amongst all these is habitation and flexibility.
- Yeah.
- That's cool.
t looks cool, but l wouldn't touch Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- OK, OK.
OK, thank you.
- Just in case.
Oh, bloody hell.
There is some ofthere is some of our population right there as we speak.
- Put that in your pocket.
- What is that? lt's a spray, a Mace spray, if they do come over.
When you press this down, it just jets like a spray in their face.
OK.
- lt'll just knock them back - OK.
.
.
once you spray them.
Outside of the filming, tell me the rest of the schedule.
How long are you shooting this? - The whole day.
All the way through.
- The whole day? One day? Right the way up to nightfall, have a party.
These guys can bring all their friends.
- And at the end of today, it's done? - lt's done.
ln Studio City, Shirley is preparing for his performance in tonight's psychic showcase.
For me, could we do some flickering of the lights like that? So it looks like spirits have got into the building.
Yes.
Do you want it to come on when you come out? - Right, OK.
- So do we have total control over this? - l may if l'm inspired to.
l just thought - OK.
- That's a lovely shirt.
- Oh, thank you.
- Lovely.
- (Chuckles) - Hi, guys.
- How do you do? - Hi.
- Hi.
Jack.
- Can l just say l'm a huge fan? - Thank you.
Now, you're from England? Yes.
Well, Manchester.
Just outside of Manchester, Oldham.
So are you wearing the amethyst to ward off negativity? - (Chuckles) Yeah.
- You are wise.
Oh, wow! My God, that's gorgeous! - Oh, yes.
Aren't these fun? - Wow.
But, no, it wards off negativity and it also promotes your psychic ability.
l have two raw ones in a sack.
- That is so good.
- Yeah, so you say.
- Did you bring it? - l do have them.
- Stick one in your pocket when you read.
- That's right.
Jack.
Can l see your amethyst? My God, that is huge.
One in each pocket? - Yeah.
- They are lovely.
You're not the first person to touch my amethysts and call them lovely.
(Chuckles) You are so bloody - flirty.
- Oh, no.
Yes, you are.
- So are you doing make-up? - Yeah.
How about you run along, give us boys some time alone to collect our thoughts? - Yeah.
- Well, we're just going to eat now.
- After she's done, we're going to eat.
- Oh, are we? - Yeah.
- But now, just to give us a bit of time.
Yeah, OK.
What? Oh, no, no.
l'm just playing.
l'm just teasing.
- Do you want to exchange numbers? - No, no, l'ml'm straight.
- Sorry? - l'm straight.
- Yeah.
- l am.
Honest to God.
Totally serious.
l'm straight too.
No, l am.
l am, actually.
- OK.
- l'm completely straight.
l keep getting you putting thoughts in my head, if you know what l mean.
- l'm putting thoughts in your head? - You know.
No, l don't know.
Let's put your collar straight.
- There we go.
- You look bloody gorgeous.
- That looks great.
- There we go.
No.
Back at the site, Brendan is in talks with the president of Fatburger about building a restaurant in his hotel for the homeless.
l'm not building a restaurant.
We're not building a restaurant.
l can't do that, and l want that understood.
Let's do it and then we can just shake.
- But l can't - OK, are we rolling? - So what are you going to do for us today? - l can't do that today - No, no, and cut.
So you do that bit.
- But - Roll it, Kiki.
- l can't, l can't - So what's gonna happen - l'm not gonna commit.
- No, don't say that.
That's not gonna work.
- l know, but l can't give - l'm not - That isn't gonna work.
Can we cut that? Cut that.
l'm not gonna commit to $400,000 and be held responsible lf you just say it, that'd be great.
- l can't say it.
l'm not gonna say it.
- So, umwe're building this today.
- What are you guys gonna do? Roll it, Kiki.
- l can't.
- l can't.
- OK, so what's going on? - l think that you have a great idea.
- Thank you very much.
- OK.
And l think that what you need to do - So you're bringing your guys in? - l can't commit - God! Can we cut this? - l want you to understand - Can you do some nodding? Kiki, come round.
And nod.
Just look at me and nod and then say ''l'm in.
'' - l'll help you, you have to understand - Oh, no, no, no.
- l can't - Just say, ''l'm in.
'' Say, ''We're in.
'' Just to get the sound bite.
l can't commit to say, ''We're in'', there's too big a commitment right there That's fine, you just said it.
l can cut into that.
You know, l can literally cut around that.
You've said the words, which is fine.
So you heard it here first.
Fatburger are gonna be coming down here, building the restaurant.
We're gonna have people, homeless guys coming in here.
They're gonna actually run the restaurant, l take it, serve the burgers, so it's all good news.
That's fine, and cut.
Still trying to work out how best to present himself, Gary is hoping actor Arthur Kade will give him a masterclass in self-confidence.
- Arthur Kade? - The one, the only.
So tell me, what do you want? What's your goal here? l want to be the bestest actor in the world, like ever.
What have you done so far to make that happen? Erml'm like doing Well, l've done acting in the UK.
And then l come here, my mummy mum died.
Yeah.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself.
l wear tight jeans, l wear funky sneakers.
But that's who l am and l'm gonna show the world.
lf they don't like it, fuck them.
lf they love it, great.
l've never failed at anything l've done.
Never.
l was number one in my Fortune 500 company and l broke every record.
l was doing shit that's never been done before.
l was making six figures, l was killing it.
l was banging the hottest chicks, travelling to the coolest places, but the challenge was over.
l've got unbelievable looks, and where l'm happy is being on the stage, whether it's a stage one-on-one, or in front of millions of people in a movie or TV show.
One of the big things that's in my blog is l rate women.
So if you and l were sitting here and a girl walks by, - smoking-hot girl, great tits and ass - Yeah.
.
.
she's an eight, l'd fuck the shit out of her.
Or l You know, she needs a nose job.
We would have that discussion.
- Two crab roll.
- Yes.
Hungry.
Kade is hungry.
- Oh, brilliant.
- Enjoy.
- Three and a half to four.
- Three and a half? Three and a half to four and a half.
l don't usually comment under six.
l just gave you a range.
So l'm doing things that have never been seen before.
l mean, that's what people are saying.
And l have all of Hollywood following the journey, cheering, and people see that and they recognise that.
How you doing that? - Well - How many teeth do you think l've got? Teeth? Thirty-six.
- l don't know.
40.
- No.
- Five.
- No.
- Does that make you more successful? - Go on, guess.
- Thirty-eight.
- No.
- Thirty-nine.
- Colder.
- Forty-one.
- Cold.
- Forty-four.
- You should go down the other way.
- Just tell me.
lt doesn't matter.
- You can't guess.
Three more guesses.
- Thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight.
- No, thirty-three.
OK, so (Burps) Pardon me.
So, Jack, can you tell me a little bit about yourself? Erml'm a clairvoyant and remote viewer.
l've worked internationally.
Also was featured by the Associated Press in 2006, 2007, 2008.
l also predicted the collision of a US naval submarine with an oil tanker three months before it happened.
Last summer when the Russians invaded Georgia, l had predicted that.
Documented prediction, the invasion of Georgia.
- Yeah.
- Look at that picture there.
Oh, and l'm the research associate with, um internationally acclaimed parapsychologist Dr Barry E Taff.
- l hate talking about myself.
- Cool.
l, er Could you put for me something like, um erer - ''He has come to walk among us.
'' - He has come - Thank you.
- .
.
to walk among us.
- Psychic - What did you put in his water? - You put something in there.
- No, no, l didn't.
l was, er No, haven't been anywhere near it.
Smell it, it should be fine.
Actually, l do have to go to the men's room.
All right.
- (Grunts) - l wouldn't drink it.
- He should drink it.
- OK.
He should drink it.
Why did you say anything? Because l saw it.
l just wondered what the heck it was.
Just to take the edge off for him cos l can see he's nervous.
- Well, did you - l'm just feeling a bit threatened by him.
Because he's been putting thoughts into my head for the last hour.
Like quite sexual thoughts.
- Really? - Yeah, like l've got a tingling in my anus.
He's been putting it there, and l know he has, because he's quite predatory.
l can see it in his eyes.
He showed me his amethysts.
Well, l don't personally feel like what you did is OK, and l no longer want you to be part of this performance.
Meanwhile back at the site, Brendan is meeting with interior designer Leslie Harris, who has agreed to work on the project.
- Brendan? - Hold on, let me just get Just cos there's a couple of homeless over there, and if they do come close - l don't want to treat them like that.
- l'd rather hold on to the cattle prod.
OK, all right.
- What are we doing here? - We're building a bloody hotel.
- But we're doing it right now, right here? - Well, no, we're just designing the room.
This is to what, try to raise more money for We're doing it today.
The launch is tonight.
They need to see the hotel.
lt doesn't matter if we haven't finished it.
Unless it's a few floors high, we're gonna be fucked.
So we just need to Kiki, can you come round and film? Start filming.
Stay back! Brendan, what is it about 'em that scares you so much? - They stink.
- Yeah.
- They're - And yet you're building a house - Can we cut? - .
.
to house them.
Yeah, and it'll win me prizes when this thing gets released.
OK, so that's more of your concern than helping them? Erwell, that's what we're all doing it for, isn't it, really? - OK, film this.
- No.
So we're just going through our room design, and we're now gonna move on and actually build the thing, aren't we? The hotel.
- So, er - Leslie.
Leslie is gonna be laying some of the first bricks.
Let's see how we get on.
Brilliant.
OK, and cut.
Right, OK, done.
Next bit, we need to just lay some bricks.
l'm going to go to Home Depot.
- What did the architect have to say? - He said we couldn't do it.
- No, you can't.
- Oh, no.
Can you not film this? You need structural engineers.
You need permits by the city.
Oh, don't lf you're positive You're a hippy, you should know about this.
- l'm not a hippy.
- But you smoke pot.
- No, l don't.
- We're just gonna build it, all right? l'd like to see them come and try and shut us down, and we'll be like, ''Hippy power!'' Do you have city permits? Yes.
What do you want me to say? - He's got to go? - He's got to go.
This guy needs to either leave voluntarily or be escorted off by the police.
- He's beyond eccentric, he's dangerous.
- Jack? - Yes, sir? - We're all square now, aren't we? lt was my mistake.
You'd better believe it was your mistake.
l don't want to fucking see you.
Well, l got a tingling around my anus earlier.
You My anus isn't tingling.
My fists are tingling.
- What about the tingle in the anus? - Yeah - That's a lie.
- l don't want him going out on that stage.
He doesn't belong here any more.
That's it, man.
Right, all done and dusted.
We're already He's happy, l'm happy.
- But we're not happy.
- Come on.
l'm ready to physically escort you out myself.
That's a threat, man.
You are threatening me.
l'm threatening to call the police right now.
- Please.
- You gotta go.
The sun is setting on Brendan's documentary about building a hotel for the homeless.
ln his rush to find backers for the project, Brendan has forgotten to cancel the party he scheduled for the grand opening.
Right, Kiki, get the Gather round like there's a party! (Clapping) Right, can we get - Right, that's great.
Kiki! - Yeah? Can you get a shot of them clapping me? (Clapping) What am l even doing trying to build a bloody hotel? Cos it's bullshit.
Because, you know, l l've been in cathedrals around the world, and none of them have got a roof as pretty as that.
Look at that.
We all live under that bloody roof, all of us.
l just wanted to say l've learned a lot about myself as a documentary filmmaker.
- And l've learned a lot about, um - (Chattering) .
.
homeless people.
- Can you a shut up a second? - You said five minutes.
- l'm not going over five minutes.
- lt's been over five minutes.
We're gonna cut the thing in a minute.
Cut the thing.
Because we're all bloody Hold it tight.
Cos we're all bloody homeless.
(Cheering) Having learned nothing from Bobby Trendy or Arthur Kade, Gary decides to hit a bar and fall back on what he knows best.
Can l just say, if like heaven was missing an angel Oh, no, hold on.
lf likeif heaven was ermissed an angel lf youif you was dead, and you were an Sorry, l don't Like, if heaven was missing an angel, you'd l don't Oh, Jesus, hold on.
Let me do this again.
(Chuckles) See, that that's my boyfriend over there.
Oh, sorry, l was just l literally was - l wasn't doing nothing, mate.
- lt's all right.
l was just saying like What about tonight, two becomes three? - What? - What about two becomes three tonight? - ls this a fucking Spice Girls song or what? - You know what l mean, don't you? - No, we ain't no fucking swingers.
- l know.
But like at Christmas time once, round Mickey's place, me and like Mickey l woke up, and he had Sandra like mucking about by the Christmas tree and then, like, l couldn't get a hard-on anyway, it was like putting a bloody marshmallow into a slot machine, cos Sandra's quite fit, and she was there, like, and he was bringing her nipples up, and l was trying to like get in there but l couldn't, and he was like, ''Go on, do it,'' and l went, ''No, mate,'' and l couldn't do it, l couldn't rise to the occasion, but - Sounds like a personal problem.
- (Coughing) - You carry Viagra in this bag or what? - No, it's just my mum in there.
- Here's to my mum.
- Yeah, cheers.
Cheers.
Pass her out, pass her out.
lt's sad.
l would like you to have a little bit of my mum.
- (Both) No.
- Cos, honestly, we have had the best time.
Mate, would you just take a little sprinkle? A little bit in our drinks just to finish the night off.
Right, Billy.
Let's go back to Ruta's and have a spit roast.
We're not going back to your house.
We were sitting here having a right laugh and then bloody grumpy guts turned up - l ain't fucking grumpy, bro.
- You're gonna have a great night tonight.
- l have a great night every night.
- l know, but l've worked her all up now.
And you can take that and do with it as you will.
l'm gonna go.
Give me a call, and remember me tonight when you're doing your stuff.
All right? Listen, like, you know, you are you are the most beautiful lf heaven was missing an angel, you'd be a lf you were an angel, then you'd be dead lt's like, l don't know what the thing is but whatever that is, that's you.
Has your father passed over? OK, no.
Has yours? OK.
Umwhat it You know, it's because lt might be - Do you have a scar here? - No.
No? OK.
- l can help you and you can help me.
- Please.
- Let's go outside for a second.
- No, no.
- What do you mean, no? - l can help her.
- You're not gonna help me.
- Give me some eye contact.
- You got my eyes? - Yeah.
Well, you are in for a lot more entertainment and joyful interaction this evening.
l was supposed to be on that stage and she took it away from me.
OK, now you're doing the victim thing.
Glynis wrote the bestselling book Glynis Has Your Number.
l'm an ex-naval commander.
You want to take me on, dude, take me on.
l don't want to l don't care what sexual orientation you are, l am just saying l said naval commander.
Why did you bring up sex? Uhshe's a recurring guest on The Tony Danza Show.
She's gonna fall on her ass, and it's a big one.
- l don't think she's gonna - And she's not gonna be bouncing.
Glynis McCants has truly mastered the science of numerology You got a problem with you, dude.
- Please welcome Glynis McCants.
- (Cheering) (Glynis) Shirley's here! Shirley's here! Get him out of here! Shirley's fucking here! Hi, guys.
- (Glynis) Hi, everyone.
- Don't pull my tie.
Get off my tie.
Get off myget off my tie.
- Get the cops! Get the goddam cops! - Get off my tie.
Let's give a hand to the energy and turn it around.
Let's turn it around.
Thank you! OK, watch it.
- (Glass clinking) - l'm not kidding.
- (Smash) - Stop it already.
- (Panting) - That'sthat's it.
That's the one.
- OK - Would you just get off me? - Just say - You Look what he did to me.
Look what they did to me, Glynis.
- Let's step off the stage.
- No.
- Give me a chance.
Just give me a chance.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- OK, l'm getting - Can you believe this shit? - l'm getting a George.
George? - Can somebody call the police, please? l need a squad car at the Theater West in Los Angeles.
He's either really tall or he's stood on a chair.
Yes, can you claim George? OK, l feel your pain.
l feel your shame.
But you're not to blame.
lt's very common for ladies of your age.
You need to try to drink less coffee.
And the people in Walmart, they have got cleaners to clean all that up.
Do you understand? All right, OK.
Leave me alone! Give me a chance! Get off me! Get off me! That's assault! - Me and Mickey are mad, Vladimir.
- Oh, really? But when you get the two of us together, l mean Jesus.
l've known Mickey like all my life.
l met him when l was like four.
Tell you what, though, mate.
l wish he was here.
Cos like it don't matter what experiences you have Yeah? .
.
if you ain't got someone to share 'em with.
Why don't you call him? You know, you can call him, right? Yeah, l can call him.
Mickey! What time is it out there, mate? Must be early.
Jesus Christ.
What are you doing up? Oh, you're doing the market? Right.
Hey, Mickey.
Things are going well out here.
You know, l'm doing like acting and all that, networking.
Going to the parties.
There's loads of fit birds and all that.
Hey, Mickey.
l miss you, mate.
lt's crazy out here.
l don't l'm like having a l'm having a brilliant time.
Look, mate, l've just pulled up outside a club and it's all a bit mad, so l'm gonna have to go.
l'll catch you later.
Yeah, all right, mate.
Bye.