LA to Vegas (2018) s01e10 Episode Script

Bernard's Birthday

1 All right, let the heathens board.
Maybe you should check that compartment first.
[SIGHS] Happy birthday You know I can't eat your supermarket trash.
I need to keep it tight for my party tonight.
This is a milestone birthday for me.
Right, because you're turning thi or xty.
People much smarter than you have tried to figure out how old I am, and they have all failed.
Relax.
Your parties are always incredible.
They get better and better every year.
You think that's by accident? It takes work.
You just don't throw together an avant-garde Bible-themed "Fashion of the Christ" costume party.
Speaking of which, what's the costume? Well, I was thinking of being a sexy Rachel from Laban, Genesis 29:16.
It's a deep cut.
No deep cuts! Stick to the hits.
Hey there, team.
Enough chitchat, Bernie, let's get to work Two choices.
I've got sexy Nebuchadnezzar, or sexy Goliath.
I'm leaning towards Goliath because it shows off my thighs, and they're my second-best feature.
Meaty but lean, like a fine turkey chili.
- Goliath will be fine.
- Yes! [GASPS] There was no trash in there.
It was a clean bag.
PILOT [OVER P.
A.
]: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING] Marcia Gimble is arguing the commons doesn't need a car-charging station.
Honey, sit up straight.
- Good afternoon.
- Hi.
I'm Nichole.
We've never met before.
I'm on my way to Las Vegas for the very first time because my mother surprised me with backstage passes to Celine Dion.
She's very well-connected because she's the deputy mayor of Calabasas, and frowns upon almost everything.
It's nice to meet you.
You as well.
She was the normal one.
DAVE [OVER P.
A.
]: Are you tired of the same old restaurant experience? Then do what I do and head down to Broth, Vegas' finest new eatery, where everything's soup, including you, because the dining room's a Jacuzzi.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Is Bernard all right? I just wished him a happy birthday, and he said, "Why can't people just say 'Merry Christmas' anymore?" Yeah, he's distracted today.
He's just a little wound up about his party.
Bernard can get wound? Ah, I've only ever seen him be like You know what, that's probably not an impression I should be trying.
He just gets so worked up trying to top himself every year.
Honestly, he probably shouldn't even be working today.
Oh, excuse me, I'm a very nervous flier.
Congratulations.
So, you're coming tonight, right? No, no, I'm still going through this divorce nonsense.
Meghan is determined make the whole thing as ugly as possible.
I mean, I married a magician's assistant, and now she's making all my possessions disappear.
Well, that's exactly why you should come.
It'll take your mind off of it.
We'll drink, we'll take pictures.
I will help you pretend you're happy.
The best revenge is an act of social media.
Right now, I am just using it to follow majestic boats and this adorable Corgi.
Oh, my God, he died? Piper.
So, party then? Yes.
It's what Piper would have wanted.
He loved parties.
So, how are classes going this semester? They're good.
Actually, I have a friend who got me interested in econ.
- [SEAT BELT INDICATOR CHIMES] - so I'm thinking about Oh, sorry.
[CHUCKLES] Hold that thought.
Gotta go use the little deputy mayor's room.
So, let me guess.
Your mother surprised you with the trip, but she doesn't know you're a stripper, always take this flight.
What a big pickle you have become.
- How did you know? - Well, I have seven senses.
I can detect lies and ghosts.
I want to tell my mom the truth, but she just wouldn't understand.
She's an old-school feminist.
I wasn't allowed to wear dresses growing up because, quote, "Mary Tyler Moore fought hard for our right to wear pants, and we have to honor that.
" I understand your hesitance.
Now, if there's anything I can do to make your first visit to Las Vegas more enjoyable, just let me know.
Hello, I'm her mother.
Oh, I thought you were younger sister.
[FORCED LAUGH] Cute.
We're good.
Thank you.
I tell you, Alan, I cannot wait for Bernard's party.
This is the tush event of the season.
Ooh, think you'll do another late night pawn shop engagement-ring run? No, I'm out of the relationship game for good.
I already have my one true love, and that's the sky.
That's right, this bee ain't looking for a queen.
Tonight, he's all about the honey.
T The party's tonight? But it's my bowling championship.
You promised that if I advanced, you would come.
Well, you advanced and hopefully I will.
No, I'm not gonna report it.
I'm just saying it was a gross joke.
I'm sorry, Alan.
Excuse me, I need to speak to somebody about this flight.
Hi.
Captain Dave.
Go ahead and mainline that praise right to me.
Oh, the praise, for the lack of storage space, or the uncomfortable seats, or the white-knuckle landing? I mean, the autopilot could have done a batter job.
Maybe, but let's see the autopilot take break dancing classes at the "Y.
" This is a terrible airline.
I'll have you know that Jackpot is ranked number one in completed customer surveys.
We're first-class all the way.
Just ask Nichole.
How do you know Nichole? - She's one of my regulars.
- One of your What is he talking about? Um [SIGHS] Okay, Mom, I haven't been totally honest with you.
The truth is, Captain Dave knows me because he's my boyfriend.
If I look surprised, it's because I didn't think we were using labels yet.
- This man is your boyfriend? - Yep! It's only been a few weeks.
We were nervous to tell you, for obvious reasons - because he's so, so old.
- It's still very early.
Very early.
It's just, I'm It's so unexpected.
I just don't I don't know what to say.
Well, why don't you think about it while you get your bag? I don't like to be squeezed.
Look, she doesn't know I'm a stripper.
Jut pretend to be my boyfriend for five minutes.
It'll be the fastest relationship of your life.
No, it won't.
Hey, Mom, well, I'm glad you two got to meet.
- We should probably get going.
- Oh, no, hold on a second.
I just met your boyfriend, I'd like to get to know him better.
Would you like to join us for dinner, Dave? Oh, he can't, he has a coworker's birthday party.
Oh, sounds fun.
We'll tag along.
It's a Bible thing We'd have to have a costume.
Nichole, I'm your mother.
If I want to get to know your boyfriend better and dress up like Jesus of Nazareth, that's what we're doing.
Your mother is terrifying.
Yeah.
Well, you don't get to the top of the middle of local politics without busting a few balls.
Mm.
[LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE] - - [INDISTINCT CHATTER, MUSIC PLAYING] Wow.
For my birthday, I usually just go to a hotel room so I can read in a different bed.
Hey, Bernard, this party's incredible.
Halt! Don't mock me.
If it were truly incredible, you would be speechless.
This party is still severely lacking.
Just look.
The magician is turning the water into merlot instead of rosé.
We need one more big spectacle to put this birthday over the top.
And I'm going to find it.
Storm me off.
I said storm! I'm not sure how I feel about Birthday Bernard.
ARTEM: Hey, look.
Ronnie came dressed like Mary.
Joseph and Mary, right? You were meant to be.
I think that Ronnie-Colin ship has sailed.
I have good news: the Earth is round, so a sailed ship is coming back.
She asked you to come.
That is good sign.
Okay, okay, I'll go say hi.
Although, I'm not gonna lie, half the reason is to end this conversation.
- Yeah, it has run its course.
- Have fun, friend.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] Hey, the Virgin Mary? - It's me, Joseph.
- Hey, that's crazy.
Well, it was the simplest of the costumes on Bernard's preapproved list.
Oh, yeah, that's why Bryan chose it, too.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
You remember Bryan.
- Nope.
- Really? 'Cause I feel like we've met a bunch of times before; the plane, the restaurant.
Well, I go on a lot of planes, Ryan.
It's Bryan.
Ah.
It's a beautiful name.
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] - [CHEERING] So I was looking to hook up tonight.
How does our fake dating affect my chances? Negatively.
Damn it.
You owe me for this.
Not sexually.
Just get me a gift card.
Okay.
- Oh, hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.
So, Patricia, or should I call you Madam Deputy Mayor? - [BOTH CHUCKLE] - Patricia is fine.
I'm not just a politician.
I'm also co-owner of Calabasics, Southern California's number one retailer of tasteful ponchos for women who work.
I love that store.
Those ponchos are not just for women who work, they're also for men who want to be comfortable.
Mm.
So, Dave, tell me, what made you decide to become a pilot? Well, Patricia, it all started when I first read the story of Icarus, who flew so close to the sun with no repercussions.
Okay, Bernard, what are you doing with that? Damage control.
Not one person has yet said, "Bernard, you've outdone yourself.
" Not my brunch club, not my champagne club.
Not even anyone from my gossip and cheese group, The Crass Fromagerie.
What I need is a big biblical set piece, which is why I'm setting up a burning bush s'mores station.
S'mores seems a little off theme.
I'm sorry.
Who the hell invited her? Ooh, the foot-washing station is open.
Bryan, do you want to go get your feet washed in public? No, I'm good.
Okay, your loss.
[TONGUE CLICKS] So So you're a chef.
Um, how did you get into that? It started in the Marines.
I'd cook for my unit sometimes.
- You were a Marine? - Yeah.
Like Rob Riggle? Yeah.
I joined after college.
Uh, I had a professor who changed my life.
No way.
A professor had a profound effect on you? - Yeah.
- Huh.
He sat me down one day, and he said, - "Whatever you do" - Hmm.
"do not be a professor.
Do something that actually matters.
" So, what do you do? - I'm a professor.
- Professor.
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What you-you leaving? I was thinking about it, Dave, yes.
Look, if there's anything I've learned from being trapped in a long-term fictional relationship over the past two and a half hours, is that you got to enjoy your freedom while it lasts.
Dude, look around, there are chicks everywhere, and, like, five other straight dudes.
[SIGHS] I don't know if it's the helmet, but you're kind of making sense to me.
There are several Eves looking for their Adam.
It's too bad Alan's not here.
He's a great wingman.
- I'm here! And I won.
- Uh He is here.
Let's go bag some strange.
Stand back.
I'm going to go enjoy myself.
Hello, Dave.
I thought we could have a word.
Without Nichole.
Ah.
I knew this was coming.
Patricia, I know, as a politician, a pilot's endorsement is very valuable I want to be really clear about something.
My daughter is not just some plaything, okay? I know what you are.
You've been divorced, what, three times? You're lonely, you're not man enough to admit it, so you hide behind these empty declarations like "The sky is my mistress," and similar nonsense, and you seek out relationships with women 30 years younger who can't hurt you as much as you've been hurt before.
So I see what you're doing, and I don't like it.
Hey, do you want to borrow this? - It's a total chick magnet.
- Uh, that actually won't be necessary, Alan.
I'm a Brit in America.
All I have to do is up the accent, do a bit of Hugh Grant phumphering [IMITATING HUGH GRANT]: and, uh, everything, um, rather falls into place.
Um, u-uh, hello, old chap, a pint of, uh, whatever you're pouring.
And I'll have one of those, too.
Pardon me for saying so, but it's as if I'm looking at an angel, uh, in, uh, is it, what, devil's clothing? [LAUGHS] You sound like Love Actually.
- Ah.
- I'm Rose.
And that, Alan, is how you oh.
Oh, dear God.
Oh.
Hey.
Where'd Colin go? He's over there, talking to the Devil.
RONNIE: Who is she? I think she's actually the magician's assistant.
He's flirting with a magician's assistant? Uh, seriously? I finally figured out how to take this party to the next level.
[INHALES SHARPLY] I'm going to walk on water.
Ronnie, I just need you to come out to the pool, squeeze me into my harness and set up my wires and pulleys.
Yeah, okay, uh, can you help him with that? I don't think anyone can.
Thanks.
I just, I ha I have to talk to Colin before he does something he'll regret.
I Have you ever operated a lift line in a theatrical production? No, so I probably shouldn't.
Your hair is one strike.
Don't make it two.
And then I was like, "Is it really credit card fraud if it's your sister?" - No.
No.
No.
- No.
Oh.
I'll be right back.
I've got to do one quick thing.
[EXHALES] Hey.
- Mm? Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, I just thought I'd come over and stop you from making a huge mistake.
Uh, what are you talking about? Talking about that girl.
- Colin, she's exactly like your ex-wife.
- [SIGHS] That whole look and that vibe and that, like, that wide-eyed head tilt thing that she does.
[LAUGHS]: I mean, I mean, for God's sake, she's even a magician's assistant.
[GUESTS GASP] Okay.
Did not know that.
But, so what? I have a type.
And all I'm doing is having some fun and some drinks.
Okay.
Yeah, well, the last time you got drunk with a woman like that, it led to a nasty divorce and you following dead dogs on Instagram.
Oh, Piper.
I'd forgotten about that.
Thanks a lot, Ronnie.
Sorry, I'm just trying to look out for you.
I don't need your help.
Honestly, I can make my own decisions.
So why don't you go back to the Joseph you rode in on? Ugh! I can't believe you messed that up.
Really? Because I was nonstop screaming "I don't know what I'm doing.
" [SIGHS] [PHONE CAMERA CLICKS] Your mom just came up to me and broke me down like a cardboard box on trash day.
I'm so sorry.
She can be intense.
No, I'm hard into it.
She gets me.
I'd like to take her to a steak dinner.
Is that all right with you? Are you serious? No.
No, that's not all right.
Oh, come on.
Please.
Your mom is strong, smart and sexy.
And not just physically, but emotionally.
And also physically.
She got the body of a stripper's mom.
Why can't you just tell her who you really are? I wish we had the kind of relationship where I could tell her the truth, but we just don't.
But I have to be honest, I think I'm in love with her.
Oh, my God.
You fall in love with every woman you meet.
Not you.
You're really annoying.
[LAUGHING] Can you believe Colin? I mean, what is he doing? Ronnie, I have my own crisis.
I don't have time to deal with your jealousy.
[SCOFFS] I'm Oh, no, I'm not jealous? No, that's ridiculous.
I have my own boyfriend who's here somewhere.
Good, because I don't remember Mary having two Josephs.
Although that is a Bible I'd read.
Oh, my God, you're right.
What am I doing? I should be focusing on Brian, - not worrying about - Shh.
Okay.
Can you read my order back to me? No, not one.
It's two llamas, two giraffes.
Do you not know how to fill an ark? Put your supervisor on the phone.
Oh, Go I am gonna tell you what you told me when I tried singing Dreamgirls in the shower: you have to stop.
Ah, hey.
Oh, so you are Ronald's boyfriend.
And let me guess, Artem? No.
Baby Jesus.
Just kidding.
Now I'm Artem.
Yeah, Ronnie told me all about you guys.
You, Bernard.
Only one she hasn't really talked about is Colin.
Is there history there? Oh, yeah.
I have much history with Colin.
No, no, I meant Ronnie.
Well, I have more history with Ronnie.
I'm sorry.
I meant Colin and Ronnie.
Yes.
I know both of them.
- All right.
- Yeah.
This feels like I got the full Artem experience.
Yeah.
COLIN: Hey, hey, Dave.
My, uh, my lady asked me to take her home.
So, thanks for the pep talk.
That was the old Dave.
The new Dave sees the emptiness of cheap sex and meaningless flings.
- You know, Colin - Yeah, I'm sorry.
I was just really swinging by for a high five, but we'll discuss whatever this is on Sunday.
I want to.
Hey, boo.
We just finished our New Testa-Mint Chip ice cream sundae, so I'm gonna take Mom home.
PATRICIA: Good-bye, Dave.
Nice to meet you.
Look, I I was out of line before.
I mean, as a single woman, it's just hard to see a handsome man my age dating a woman young enough to be his daughter.
Who, in this case, is my daughter.
But it was wrong of me to take my frustrations out on you, and I'm sorry.
Wait.
Don't be sorry.
You were right about everything.
I'm vapid.
I'm scared.
I'm a shell of a man inside an empty uniform who came here tonight for one reason only: tush.
But you made me realize that's just a distraction.
I need a connection.
And it's you.
Would you like to have a steak and share a wedge salad with me? Dave! You're in a relationship with my daughter.
That's the good news.
I've been lying to you.
Nichole, tell her.
Oh, hey.
What are you doing? Well, the magician asked me to hold it for him and now no one will take it from me.
Oh.
Gross.
Anyway, uh, I'm sorry that I disappeared, but now I am back and for the rest of the night, you have my full at Are they leaving together? Uh, I'm sorry, I-I have to go stop this.
Nichole Hayes, I want the truth right now.
Okay, Mom.
The truth is I'm not dating Dave.
He was just covering for me.
The real reason I know everyone on that flight is I'm dating Ronnie.
Who's Ronnie? Hi.
Wait, you're dating? [MOUTHS] - Devil, won't we? - Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Big time.
[LAUGHING]: We Yeah, I we-we are.
So, just so glad that it's out in the open now.
We-we were nervous about telling you for obvious reasons.
- Because she's so, so old.
- Because we're gay.
DAVE: Just to be clear, I'm not gay.
Oh, honey.
I always felt like you were keeping something from me.
And I'm-I'm just so sorry that I made you feel like you couldn't tell me that you were gay.
No, I'm sorry that I put a rift between us by not telling you.
Well, you don't have to keep that a secret.
I'm just so glad to be honest with you, Mom.
I love you.
Oh.
Geez, I thought my relationship with my mom was messed up.
- God, one time she asked me - Shh.
This is a beautiful moment for me and my future new family.
Hey, Bernard.
What are you doing? I don't even know.
I'm trying so hard to wow everybody, and I can't do it anymore.
But what choice do I have? If these parties don't get bigger every year, that means I've already reached peak Bernard.
It's all downhill from here.
Listen.
I think you're trying too hard to please everybody, including yourself.
Why not celebrate your birthday with just the people who make you feel good about being Bernard? And who would those losers be? Thank you to my friends and Nichole's mom and to the chef and Alan's improbably attractive companions for being so boring that I will seem fabulous in comparison no matter what I do.
Aw.
And since it's just you people, I can finally get into my comfy clothes.
[LAUGHTER] Hey.
Um, I'm sorry about tonight.
I should've been spending time with you It's okay.
You know, honestly, I did for a minute think there was something going on with you and Colin.
There's not.
I know, 'cause I saw what you did with Nichole, and I realized you're just always looking out for your friends.
Right.
So I know lying about dating someone's daughter isn't the best way to start a relationship.
Well, Dave, anyone who's willing to help my daughter and forgo what I hear is the "tush event of the season" must be a decent man.
So, here's my number if that dinner is still on the table.
Well, no, we'd have to go and order it first.
[LAUGHS] Is it? So I guess you and my mom are going on that date, huh? Yup.
Just so you know, I don't expect for you to call me Dad.
But I look forward to your wedding day when you finally do.
Where is everyone? Bernard kicked everyone out.
What are you doing back here? I thought you left with New Megan.
I did.
But then we got into the Lyft, and I saw that her rating was a 3.
6 and I realized she was a bloody monster.
You were right.
I was about to make a huge mistake.
Well, lucky for you, I'm good at spotting huge mistakes.
Not avoiding them, but spotting them.
Yeah.
Everyone! Dinner is served.
Admit it, best birthday ever.
I suppose.
I still wish I had come up with that one last biblical finale, but this will have to do.
Alan, who sets a table like this? I mean, there aren't even enough chairs.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]