LA to Vegas (2018) s01e12 Episode Script

Training Day

1 Hey, guys.
Ronnie, where's your uniform? You look like a pheasant.
You mean peasant.
She looks like a peasant.
- Pheasant is a bird.
- I'm so confused.
When I was a boy, we used to hunt both.
I'm not working today.
Actually, me and Bernard and Dave are flying over to Phoenix for Jackpot training.
[SCOFFS] Jackpot training.
What, you need a refresher on how to tip a can when you pour a drink? Are you sure you want to be that condescending to the people who pour you those drinks? I instantly regretted it.
I'm truly sorry.
- You're a national treasure.
- RONNIE: Mm-hmm.
Yeah, to be honest, it's called training, but it's really two days of partying, - drinking out of ice luges.
- And sexual assignations.
Last year, we went through - two Olympic villages worth of condoms.
- Mm-hmm.
You see, Jackpot doesn't do things like bonuses or health insurance or bathroom breaks, so this is their unofficial way of making it up to us.
Grapefruits' training is just a few dance lessons and how to say "help" in Russian in case you wake up in a shipping container.
Hmm.
I can see by your sad faces you've been delivered the bad news.
Your flight today will be lacking a certain je ne sais Dave.
That's French for moi.
Come on, fellas.
We got a party to get to.
Did he just drive away on his suitcase? Wow, it carries your stuff and you can ride it.
Sorry, donkeys, you had a good run.
PILOT [OVER P.
A.
]: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING] This couldn't be coming at a better time.
After these last few months, I could use two days of guilt-free sanctioned partying.
Looks like you already started.
What is that? A Bakersfield mimosa.
Sparkling wine and orange Jell-O mix.
You want some? Hey, you're using the purse I got you.
No, thank you, Ronnie.
I want to be alert and clear-eyed for my pending rendezvous with flight attendant tonight and flight attendant tomorrow.
I have no intention of learning their names.
Your loss.
Dave? No.
I have a cigar and snifter of scotch waiting for me when I get upstairs to meet the boys.
It's gonna feel real good to kick back, light one up, and trade stories with Captain Gus and Captain Al.
Oh, look.
There's your hallway back to the golden age for white guys.
Tell the misogyny we say hi.
I will.
[LAUGHS]: I'm so excited, Bernard.
I heard this year there's gonna be a martini station, a mashed potato bar, and a surprising amount of those bummer desk, chair things.
How the hell are we supposed to have sex on those? Never mind, I figured it out.
Hi.
Hi.
Excuse me.
You look official.
What's going on? Where's the bar? Oh, sorry Ronnie.
Uh, there's not gonna be a bar this year.
Okay, so w-what are you saying? It's just kegs? No, what I'm saying is that the parties are off.
Jackpot has had a significant number of complaints lodged against them this year, so they brought me in to implement a new policy.
This training seminar is going to be structured, rigid and mandatory.
Fun's over.
I'm gonna sulk in a sex desk.
It's Captain Dave time.
Are you the flight instructor? Hi, I'm Captain Jayden.
I'm not your What's a Jayden? Where's Gus and Al? How come I'm not choking on cigar smoke right now? Hunter, Aden, Jayden, can we get this guy a chair and some water? He's confused.
Sir, it's going to be okay.
- PHIL: Captain Dave.
- Oh, Phil.
Thank God.
Did I walk into day care? Where's the crew? Sorry, Dave.
I thought you heard.
You're the last of the old guard.
Now that Al's with United and Gus is reunited with his wife, you're training with all the newbies this year.
That's no problem.
We're all pilots.
We all speak the same language.
Hey there, boys.
Sorry for the confusion.
What are you drinking over here? Macallan? Glenlivet? - Kombucha.
- Gesundheit.
[SIGHS] So, I spoke to the gate agent.
Apparently somebody tampered with the smoke detectors.
Ugh.
That happens all the time.
Usually Ronnie and Bernard just go in with a pack of Kools and smoke it back online.
Huh.
Well, clearly the replacement crew don't know that trick, so we're gonna be delayed a while.
Hey, Artem, bad news.
We're not making it back to L.
A.
anytime soon, so you have to find someone to run your hot sauce booth - at the farmer's market.
- Shh.
I'm concentrating.
That slot machine has not paid out in weeks.
And according to my numbers, in the next 200 spins, there will be a huge payout.
And that payout is more than $100,000.
Well, the problem is that old lady.
She hasn't moved for hours.
She's very stubborn, like stain in a Tide commercial.
Hey, if we help you get that machine, will you split the winnings with us? I could use the money.
Grapefruits has really been struggling ever since that taco place went topless.
Well, yeah.
And I want to put a down payment on a house.
I could be that rarest of unicorns: a homeowner and an educator.
Okay, you got a deal.
We can split the money, if you can get that old lady off.
Well, then we better get that old lady off quick.
Let's maybe stop talking about getting an old lady off.
I can't believe they're treating us like this.
No one needs this party more than me.
[SCOFFS] Uh, I don't know, except maybe the person who does most of your work.
Jean Chris, my exfoliator? Please.
He loves what he does.
Hey, this is a bummer for everyone.
We all needed this.
Yeah.
I'm furious.
What am I gonna do with all these shrooms? - I think you ate them.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, what am I gonna do with all these shrooms? Okay, that Jackpot Reno crew - knows how to party.
- Is terrifying.
Everyone, take your seats.
So, you've all heard about the revamped training.
Up here, you'll see the revised itinerary.
We'll start every day 7:00 a.
m.
Okay, I have to say something.
This is total horse crap.
We all work our asses off, and we deserve two days a year to enjoy ourselves.
There have been quite a few Complaints.
Yes, I know.
But, news flash, we're an airline.
Of course we're gonna have complaints.
People hate lines, hassles and facing their own mortality, and we make them pay for all three.
So we demand to know what was so bad that now we're being punished.
ALL: Yeah! Okay.
I didn't really want to single anybody out, but since you demand to know what caught our attention, here it is.
BERNARD [OVER VIDEO]: Sir, I'm sorry.
You won't stay in your seat, so you've given us no choice.
Thank you for flying Jackpot.
Two million hits, though.
That's pretty cool.
Hey guys.
Wow, it is rough out here.
No one will even look at us.
I know.
Is this what it feels like to be a seven? Answer me, Ronnie.
What are you doing? You can't sit here.
What, you're pissed at us, too? Oh, come on.
Who hasn't had to duct tape a passenger to his seat? We were just unlucky enough to get caught.
I've never been caught because I've never done that.
Yeah, because you fly the Albuquerque to Vegas.
It's all stoic cowboys and rustic lesbians.
Well, we'll make it up to you.
We'll have our own party.
I'll make Bakersfield Marys.
It's just vodka and ketchup.
You should find somewhere else to sit.
Why don't you try the Reno table? And then Gus said, "I don't care if it's just my head" and your boxers, I can still fly this plane.
" And they let him.
It was a different time.
I I don't think I get it.
So so he flew in his underwear? No, my underwear.
That's why it's such a good story.
Now, a good story is the time I flew from Newark to Dulles in 1:12 at a 30-knot wind shear.
No.
You didn't.
Stop it.
Tell me everything.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I can't believe I haven't told you this.
I would love to hear more.
You guys look like I feel.
Well, not you, Bernard.
You're always a stunner.
What happened to you? Ugh.
Just these young guys.
They look at me like I'm a fossil.
They don't appreciate my war stories.
All they care about is their stats.
They don't get that flying is about the shared human experience.
No one has ever gotten off a plane and said, "Oh, I'm so glad we got here so quickly.
" - Yes, they have.
- That's literally all people say.
At least everyone isn't pissed at you for ruining their party.
Yeah.
Heard about that.
So one person got duct taped, big deal.
We never claimed to be the friendly skies.
I guess it's just the three of us versus the Jackpot world.
We have to stick together till this is over.
Yeah.
If we're gonna survive this, we need to be like Lew Wasserman and Jules Stein when MCA turned its back on them.
I'm agreeing with you.
We have to stick together.
For the love of God, man, just say that! Oh, we're now in payout window.
Every spin could bring big money.
Artem.
I got this.
I used to work in the British Tea Museum.
The median age was 82.
I spent my days leading elderly ladies down chamomile-scented halls, steeping them in the history of our national beverage and dusting their crumpets.
I got lost in that story.
- Is he gonna bang that old lady? - Yeah.
- Hey! - [COINS JINGLING] Get it! Ah.
Mwah.
Nichole, you are the luckiest, both spiritually and genetically.
You give her a pull.
- No! - What?! - What happened? - Sorry about that.
I was working on this machine and I must've tripped the circuit.
It-it'll just be a little while.
What? Oh, this? It's just 1.
2 pounds of timekeeping magic.
It's my IWC Big Pilot's watch.
- The Rolex of wristwatches.
- That's nothing.
Take a look at this.
This baby monitors my body temperature, monitors my serotonin levels.
I can Bluetooth it to the on-flight computer so I can track my performance.
You can probably even link it up to your hearing aid.
[LAUGHTER] Well, I have you know my hearing was injured from all my standing ovations I get from my L.
A.
to Vegas flight.
Also, from my time as a roadie for The Huh, a Who cover band.
Wait, you fly the L.
A.
to Vegas? So d-do you know those two flight attendants that they caught on camera? Yeah.
Ronnie and Bernard.
That's my crew.
- [LAUGHING] - Oh, my God.
Th-They seem crazy.
You must have, like, a hundred stories.
Oh, I might have one or two.
There was one time when they buried an unruly passenger - under a pile of rolly bags.
- [LAUGHTER] Oh, that's nothing.
I've seen those two use defibrillator paddles - to make a grilled cheese.
- [LAUGHTER] - I'm lactose intolerant.
- Yeah, we all are, Carter.
- Shut up.
He's holding court.
- Yeah, shut up, Carter.
[LAUGHTER] - [P.
A.
BEEPS] - Sorry for the delay.
Jackpot Flight 1610 service to Los Angeles is now boarding.
That's our flight.
Sir, how much longer before that machine gets fixed? Hey, these things take time, man.
Well, then that's it.
Yeah.
Let's go home.
So much for being a unicorn with a mortgage.
Guess I'm back to being a horse who rents.
Well, we can't give up.
Since the delay, we're out $72 on overpriced airport hamburgers, $21 on water bottles and $11 on Artem's Judith Krantz book.
Yeah.
They say her books are formulaic, but when the formula is perfect We're in too deep.
We started something and we have to finish it.
I say we ditch the flight and wait for the machine to be fixed.
Who's with me? - I am.
- Is this really going to hit? Oh, it's gonna hit big.
Then I'm in.
Who has a fun way to pass the time? [ARTEM CLEARS THROAT] [COLIN GROANS] "It was never more difficult for a woman to be beautiful than during the 1920s.
" Hey, why do you think Layla just called us in for this meeting? Whatever it is, just deny.
Like Bjorn, my Swedish orthopedist, does to our love.
Ronnie.
Bernard.
We would like to have a little chat with you about some of the stories that we have been hearing.
We had assumed the video was an isolated incident.
But among other things, there's talk of smothering a passenger with luggage and a culinary use of the defibrillators.
What do you have to say for yourselves? - I - We did every single one of those things, and I'd do every single one again.
I just realized I do not know this bitch.
When we're in the air, we have to act quickly for the safety of everyone.
And sometimes that means grilling a cheese for a screaming kid or using 18 pounds of luggage for a woman who forgot her weighted blanket.
We have protocol for things like that.
Well, protocol doesn't exactly help when you're breaking apart a bachelorette party fight between three girls named Jessica because Jessica 2 forgot the penis pops.
Bernard and I work on a flight that has monsters, and, deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want us on that flight.
You need us on that flight.
Who's gonna do it? You? You, Flight Attendant Weinberg? You are both suspended until further notice.
And when we return to Vegas tomorrow, a disciplinary committee will decide the best way - to move forward with you.
- I'd like to switch and become a star witness for the prosecution.
So it's always four cologne blasts: Two to the chest, one to the neck and one to the bean bag.
It burns like hell, but let me Hey, what the hell have you been saying about us? What do you mean? See, he's smart enough to deny it.
Let me guess, all those young guys were making fun of your old man shoes, and you resorted to stories about us to get some laughs.
- No.
It was my old man watch.
- [SIGHS] And, yeah, I told some stories, but nothing that wasn't true.
You got us suspended! We are screwed now because you put yourself first like you always do.
To be fair, it's not all Dave's fault.
You're the one who went rogue and started yelling at everyone.
Excuse me.
At least I tried to do something to fix this.
All you ever do is raise an eyebrow, cross your arms and wait for me to finish so you can pipe in a snarky comment.
Are you done? Knew he was gonna do it.
Still loved it.
Don't you take my side.
I should go tell everyone all the crazy nonsense you do on the plane, but I won't because I know how insecure and desperate to be liked you are.
- Thank you.
- He just insulted you, Dave.
I know.
How? Now you're defending him? Please.
You've been lying for years about not watching Game of Thrones, so you don't have to deal with all his questions.
How could you? You know how bad I am with history.
I had to read the books, and the books don't have boobs.
Well, maybe I'm just tired of you relying on me for everything.
Both of you! You expect me to have the answers all the time, and I am sick of bailing you both out.
Oh, look.
It's Ronnie the martyr.
I didn't recognize you without your crown of thorns.
No spoilers.
I haven't seen season seven.
RONNIE: I think I see the problem here.
We've been flying together for way too long.
We make a terrible team, and I don't know if I want to be a part of it anymore.
[DAVE GROANS] And cue Bernard's snarky comment.
No.
This is one Ronnie speech I agree with.
Even if her hair looks like something a goat sleeps on.
- Ah.
- Is the machine fixed yet? - Not yet.
- I don't understand.
How are you two still functioning right now? You're with a stripper and a gambler.
3:00 a.
m.
is the middle of the day for us.
After this, we're going to get lunch.
Now transition into Tadasana.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Mm.
Garudasana.
[INHALES DEEPLY] So, we're almost halfway there.
You want to do a little switch and let me jockey this thoroughbred? I'm good.
I've seen guys your age drive before, and I don't want to have the right blinker on for the entire flight, so Just sit back and think about all the clothing you own that was made before I was even born.
[DAVE SCOFFS] [QUIETLY]: Fashion's cyclical, Jayden.
I am still not talking to you, but I wanted you to have this.
It's for my white suede outfit you threw out.
Oh, please.
You didn't even buy that outfit.
You stole it from your mom.
No.
The one I stole from my mom had a red wine stain.
The one you threw out was payment from that lawn mowing nerd I fake-dated to make popular.
Fine.
Since we're doing this, this is a bill for two months back rent.
Okay, well, these cancel each other out, so I'm just gonna tear this up, and now I'm gonna go be the hero and get our jobs back.
Look, Layla, I'm sorry about yesterday.
I reacted badly, and if you were generous enough to lift our suspensions, moving forward, I promise that I will stick to protocol.
What do you think? I'm sorry.
I'm-I'm just trying to figure out how you said all of that without a mouth.
What? Oh, no.
Where did you get that cookie? We have an emergency.
Layla accidentally ate a Reno cookie, and now she's high and she thinks she's a pirate! [BRITISH ACCENT]: Land ho, Captain! That's hilarious.
I have a hanger in my carry-on if she wants to do a hook thing.
It's not just Layla.
The entire Reno crew is high.
I'm not sure on what, but it has a very "cooked in a motel bathtub" vibe.
This isn't funny.
This is an emergency! There are too many people in this cockpit.
- Everyone relax.
Bernie! - You're inviting more? What's the sitch? Seth is peaking, Alison's crying, and Scotty's trying to do a Die Hard crawl through the overhead bins.
We have to make an emergency landing! Oh, my little Jayden.
That's the inexperience talking.
- You got this? - Piece of cake.
Ronnie, wait.
This is important.
- Save me one of those cookies.
- I already have.
Nice.
- [SMOKE ALARM BEEPING] - [PASSENGERS MURMURING] What the hell? I tried to make things better.
I don't think I did.
I tried to warm up a lavender eye mask.
To calm down Layla, and then this happened.
You never use the microwave.
That's what the paddles are for.
I'll handle this, you handle them.
Let's get to work.
Now would be a good time for the captain to reassure the passengers.
Oh.
Hey, everyone.
I-I just want to let you know there's no reason to panic.
- We are - What the hell are you doing? - I - Never say "panic" to a plane full of passengers.
This calls for the soothing, gravely whisper forged by a thousand cigars.
Hey, there, folks.
Captain Dave here.
I know we got a bit of an unexpected situation, but nothing we just don't call a Tuesday on the old L.
A.
to Vegas run.
This whole thing actually reminds me of something Captain Papa Dave once told me.
He said, "Son, do all the drugs you want.
" "Just don't do them with people from Reno.
Because they're sickos.
" Now sit back, relax and enjoy our descent into Las Vegas.
I'm gonna go ahead and turn the fasten seat belt sign off [SEAT BELT INDICATOR CHIMES] because it's gonna be a smooth landing.
Layla, trust me.
If you let go, you're not gonna float away.
[SIGHS] Good.
Gravity's back.
- Are you feeling better? - I think so.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry, 'cause now I understand how your way of doing things can sometimes be just necessary.
- And our suspensions? - Never happened.
- And the party? - Back on, next year.
We were thinking next Wednesday.
And we want a mashed potato bar with one of those desk-chair combos and a private room with a blind harp player.
Whatever you want, no problem.
Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go rub my face against that wall.
- Mm.
- Okay.
Artem, hours ago, you said, "Trust me, this thing is ready to pop.
" Yeah, but earlier, I was mistaken.
But now, believe me when I say trust me, this thing is ready to pop.
[GROANS] You know what? I'm done.
This-this is ridiculous.
I can literally taste my own breath.
No, listen to me, my friend.
Life is a slot machine.
Sometimes you're wasting hours in a chair where nothing really happens, and sometimes things line up just in the right way and just in the right moment, and it really seems like magic - does exist after all.
- [COIN CLINKS] [LEVER CLICKS] - [SCREAMS] I hate you! - Whoa.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Stupid machine! Stop embarrassing me in front of my friends! - Oh, Artem, no.
- No, no, no, no, no! - He's not worth it.
- There, stop it.
So Yeah.
Me, too.
Listen, I might not say it enough, but I want you both to know it's an honor to share the sky with you.
- And next time, I won't - Yes, you will.
But I will try really hard not to - No, you won't.
- No one interrupt me.
I'm still gonna make smart-ass comments, and they will sting.
[COLIN SIGHS] Hey.
What are you guys still doing here? - You haven't flown home yet? - It's a long story.
Please, just get us back to L.
A.
Okay.
Okay, come on.
Let's go talk to a gate agent, get you on a flight.
- [SLOT MACHINE RINGING] - [PEOPLE CHEERING] Oh, wow.
Looks like someone just won the jackpot.
Wait.
Was that our machine? Don't turn around.
Never turn around.
MAN: The money! It won't stop coming! I'm rich!