Lab Rats (2012) s02e13 Episode Script

The Bionic 500

1 ( Engine revving, tires screeching ) Ohh! This new neighbor has got to go! Why does he keep racing his car up and down our street every night? Ooh! I know this one! To get to the other side.
( Engine revving, tires screech ) He clearly has no respect for my beauty sleep.
It takes at least eight hours to look this good.
Ten, if you want that Leo glow.
I cannot believe I have to wake up to this.
I can't believe I have to wake up to that.
This is Italian silk.
A cheetah wishes he looked this good.
A cheetah would have the decency to cover that up with a robe.
( Revving, tires screech ) Hey, Pierce! Get your car off my lawn! Let's see how he likes my new high-pressure sprinkler system.
Okay, set to "monsoon.
" ( Sprinklers on ) Ha! He's stuck in the mud! Not anymore.
The world's first bionic superhumans They're stronger than us Faster, smarter.
The next generation of the human race is Living in my basement?! Leo, how'd you get to be first in line for locker reassignments? Oh.
Since I couldn't get any sleep, I've been here since dawn.
Fyi, you do not want to see the lunch ladies without makeup.
Wait.
They wear makeup? But since I'm first in line, I'll finally get the corner locker.
Wait a second.
I thought this was the line for lice check.
There she is: Locker 106.
Away from the traffic, near the cheerleaders, and I can see principal Perry before anyone else And a two-second head start can save a life.
Hmm.
Listen up, weasels! It's locker reassignment day.
Why, you ask? A little trick I learned from my days as a prison guard.
Never let the perps get comfy!!! ( Laughing ) Also, drag your hands through mashed potatoes to check for weapons.
Mmm! Enjoy your lunch! All right, dooley, what locker do you want? The corner one.
Already taken! What? By who? By me.
Clayton harrington.
Well, Clayton harrington I know you're new here, but I was first in line.
Oh, I know.
That's why I offered principal Perry an all-expense-paid trip to go wherever she wants.
Staten island cat show, here I come! Rroww! But that's not fair.
I know.
Isn't injustice infuriating? Why do you care so much about getting the corner locker? Oh, I don't.
But I hate lines, and harringtons don't wait.
We let our money do the talking.
And right now it's saying (Falsetto): "You don't have as much as I do.
" Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Well, dooley, there are no more lockers left.
So here's a key to the boiler room.
Just remember to knock first.
My relatives stay there when they're in town.
Big d, I need an advance on my allowance.
Sure.
What do you need? Five thousand dollars.
Okay, sure.
Would you like that in imaginary twenties or imaginary hundreds? Look, it's a long story, but there's this new rich kid at school who's using his money to get whatever he wants.
That's a short story, and I don't see what the problem is.
Anyway, I need a lot of money to beat him at his own game.
So what are we working with? Gold? Silver? You know what, just give me your pin code.
Leo, I'm not giving you any money.
Getting into a silly game of one-upsmanship with this guy won't solve anything.
It will if I up him.
Look, you'll see what I mean tonight.
I invited our neighbor Pierce over to resolve the issue of his late-night joy rides in a mature fashion.
Just watch and learn.
Great, a life lesson.
Those are worth way more than money.
( Doorbell rings ) Okay, that's Pierce.
Now watch as I handle this like an adult.
Okay, but what do you want us to do when you start crying? Clayton? What are you doing here? Looking good and smelling great.
Oh, my dad came to talk to your dad.
Wait.
Pierce is your dad? Hmm.
Makes sense: Rich jerk, rich jerk's son.
( Sniffs ) Oh.
He does smell good.
Hello? Isn't anyone going to take my coat? Heck yeah, I'll take it! ( Fabric tears ) It's got a lot of give.
Two coats light wax, and shampoo the carpets.
And don't touch the radio I'm an easy listener.
I'm not washing your car.
Me neither.
But may I take your coat? Can we move this along? I got golf in the A.
M.
, and I like to show up early to scream during other people's swings.
Aaah! Drives 'em crazy.
Look, I'll get right to the point.
You have been driving your car across my lawn at night, and it needs to stop.
Not gonna happen.
But I will pay you to stop talking.
What's your price? Are you trying to pay me off? I'm a billionaire.
Wow.
Just a billionaire.
Must be rough.
Well, if you ever need a loan, you know where I live.
It's the castle at the top of the hill that casts a shadow over your entire existence.
Well, please.
You do not have more money than I do.
(Sighs ) That's my net worth.
( Scoffs ) Well, not all the zeroes fit on one screen.
( Gulps ) All: Whoa.
(Louder): Whoa! (Louder): Whoa!!! Oh, yeah? Well, I see one zero that's not on that screen.
Ha! Take that! Someone's about to start crying.
Look, okay.
Enough is enough.
What is it gonna take for you to stop driving on my lawn? I can't think of a thing.
Good night.
No no! You are not leaving until we resolve this.
Fine.
How about a contest? We could settle this on the racetrack.
My stock car against yours.
You do own a stock car, don't you? (Forced laugh) Of course I own a stock car.
And when I win, you stop driving your car on my lawn.
Oh, no, no, no.
I think we should play for much bigger stakes Like the deeds to each other's houses.
The winner stays, the loser goes.
Deal! See you on the track.
Or later tonight when I tear up the rest of your lawn.
Heh heh.
Mr.
Davenport, are you sure about this? Yeah, if you don't win, we'll lose our house.
Guys, I got this.
Don't worry about it.
I just have one question, though.
What exactly is a stock car? ( All groan ) Sweet ride, big d.
For a second there I forgot you weren't cool.
Yeah, a guy with a huge ego and a sport where they put your name and face on everything It's a perfect match.
Are you sure you're gonna be able to beat Pierce? I mean, you have no stock car experience, not to mention you get car sick going to the store.
Please.
Look at this track.
Even Adam can drive in a circle.
But this is an oval, and those terrify me.
Driving in a circle gets exponentially harder at 200 miles per hour.
Plus, no bathroom breaks.
You're gonna need this.
Guys, don't worry about this.
I have spent hundreds of hours training in a stock car simulator, I hired the best pit crew in town I got this.
Well, Davenport, we just wanted to wish you luck.
You'll need it against our driver.
( Both chortling ) Driver? Yeah.
I said we'd race; I never said I'd be the one driving.
Joey.
That's your driver? When does he get his learner's permit? Uh-oh.
I've seen that guy before.
That's Joey logano.
He's been racing since he was six! He's the youngest Nascar driver to win on the pro circuit Ever.
Oh.
We're gonna need a bigger bucket.
(Echo-y) Hello! Really? I can't believe big d has to race against Joey logano.
Guys, I can win this.
You forget: I hired the best pit crew in town.
Right pit guy number one? Yeah.
Nothing motivates a team like a boss that doesn't know your name.
Whatever.
Look, I'm ready.
Bring on the checkered flag.
Morning, grease monkeys.
I take that back.
Principal Perry? What are you doing here? Workin'.
I moonlight as an announcer-slash-flag waver- slash-hot rod calendar girl.
Ooooh! No one sells lug nuts like me! Ahem.
Principal Perry, don't all of these side jobs you have take away your focus from being a school principal? Oh ho! Absolutely! Now let's go over some rules.
Hey, logano.
Rich guy.
Get your sassy chassis over here and let's talk some track.
In each of my precious paws is the deed to your house, which makes your bet a square deal.
It's 200 laps around, whoever crosses the finish line first wins.
Well, good luck out there.
Thanks.
I'll do my best.
( Engines revving ) When I drop this flag, you guys burn rubber! Oh, and by the way, this came off one of your cars.
I don't know what it does, but it doesn't matter now! ( Revs engine ) ( Blows raspberry ) ( Revs engine ) Good luck! Hands at ten and two check.
Mirrors adjusted check.
Oh, he's gonna already.
( Gears grind ) This is very different from my simulator.
Go! Go! Go! Go! ( Gears grind ) ( Tires screech ) You're doing great, Mr.
Davenport.
Really? No.
You're 28 laps behind.
Please tell him he doesn't have to wave every time he passes us.
So, where are you guys thinking about moving? Well, my gut says Cleveland, but I'm an Indiana man at heart.
We're not gonna lose, Clayton.
Keep telling yourself that, junior.
I'm the same age as you.
Your wallet's not.
That doesn't make any sense.
My wallet makes sense.
It talks to me all the time, and right now it's saying, "can I have Leo's bedroom?" Yes, you can! Oh, yeah? Well, just for the record, your wallet and your money have the same voice! ( Revving engine ) I can't believe I'm losing so badly.
You do know that stepping the gas pedal makes it go faster, right? There must be something wrong with the car.
Okay, let's be smart about this and eliminate variables.
First of all, are we sure the car is not in reverse? Wait.
It's been almost a minute.
Shouldn't your pit crew be done by now? Yeah, and where's your crew chief? ( No audible dialogue ) What is he doing down there? ( Super-hearing powers up ) Pierce: This is going great.
Whatever you did to slow down Davenport's car really worked.
Pierce is cheating.
He paid your pit crew to sabotage your car.
I knew it.
You guys are fired.
Get out of here, Ken! "Ken.
" that was it! Uhh! Probably shoulda waited until they put those back on.
Wait.
Mr.
Davenport, what if we replaced your pit crew with a bionic pit crew? Or we could start rooting for Joey logano.
Hey, just throwing out options.
Hold on.
Isn't using bionics technically cheating? Look, they cheated first.
Technically, I'm just leveling the playing field.
Okay.
I'll tap into the car's central computer and optimize it for peak performance.
You use your super-speed to change these tires and to gas it up.
And Adam Can do this.
Pretty cool, huh? ( Hissing ) Ow! Hot radiator! Hot radiator! Ow! Hot hot hot hot hot! Hot hot hot! With 50 laps to go, logano's lead is shrinking! Davenport is actually catching up! And don't forget, your lug nut calendars are available at the concession stand.
Keep an eye out for April I'm wearin' tires! Great job, chase! This car is flying now! Joey! What's going on? How is this clown catching up? I don't know.
He sped up out of nowhere.
Okay, we need to change the tires in under ten seconds, or Hmm.
Done.
( Tires screech ) This is incredible.
Davenport has evened it up! I'm almost beginning to care who wins! What are you doing?! I sabotaged Davenport's car and you still haven't put him away?! Wait.
You've been cheating the whole time? Yeah.
And apparently not enough! ( Engine off ) I don't drive for cheaters, jerks, or spoiled rich guys Check, check, and check.
W-where you going? You can't leave! Just did! Dad, we're losing! Harringtons don't lose! I know, I'm a harrington! I'll just have to finish off Davenport myself.
Son, can you go ask him for the keys? So, it looks like my afternoon just freed up.
You guys need any help? All: Uh Please say yes.
I want to hide from that flag lady.
Perry: Yoo-hoo! Hey, Joey! Wanna go halfsies on a hoagie? Two laps to go in the rich jerk 500.
Davenport and Pierce are neck and neck it's anybody's race.
And I think we're all wondering the same question: Is there a Mrs.
Logano? Davenport, you're doing great.
Just please stop saying "vroom vroom" every time you make a turn.
Gotcha.
I can't believe this.
I think I'm gonna win.
I'm gonna win! Aaah! Ha! That was stupid! I've got him now! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! ( Tires screech ) You do know it pops back on, right? I knew that.
What is Mr.
Davenport doing? Why is he slowing down? He's gonna lose! No.
He's obviously giving up.
It's the honorable thing to do.
No, he's just drafting.
It's something I learned from my racing simulator.
I'm reducing my wind resistance by hiding behind Pierce's car, and then I'm gonna slingshot past him in the straightaway.
On my controller it's red-red-green-up arrow, but I'm pretty sure I can make it work.
Ha ha! What the Aaah! Vroom vroom! Sorry, Joey.
Ah, it's all right.
We all do it.
Aaah! And Davenport crosses the finish line! ( All cheering ) Yeah! Oh, yeah! Ha ha ha ha! Yeah! Aaah! Arggh! ( Cheering ) Great job, guys.
Now it's time for the real race Getting away from that flag lady.
You forgot your calendars!!! Whoo! Yeah! Whoo whoo whoo whoo Ohhh! ( Cheering ) Man, nice work, Mr.
Davenport! You totally showed those guys who's boss.
Yes yes, I did.
But it's important to remember: Always win with dignity.
Ha! I beat you! I beat you! I beat you! I beat you! Hey, need the number for a moving company? I own one! Beat you, beat you Well, Clayton, looks like the corner locker is all mine.
I'm still richer than you.
And ya know what that got you today? Nothing.
Huh.
Yeah, well, your wallet's nothing.
Oh, it's something.
And right now it's saying, "please have my locker cleaned out by 7 A.
M.
" Uhh! Yeah! Hello, beautiful.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was talking about my locker.
So, how does it feel having the best locker in school? Oh, I'm not the only one with a good locker.
I got primo upgrades for you three, too.
Any locker you want until we graduate.
No way! I get that locker for six more years? Maybe more.
Ahh! How'd you pull that off, Leo? I don't know.
Principal Perry is just in a really good mood.
Hey, dooley.
Where'd you get that? Joey logano left his racing suit behind, and I customized it in all the right places.
And some of the wrong ones.
( Boing ) (Guitar) Yes!