Ladhood (2019) s01e05 Episode Script


1 After all the ups and downs of the last few weeks, I'm back to feeling that life is good.
That childhood certainty that life is wonderful and anything is possible! I've found it again, as if by magic.
- Are you done with that? - Er yeah.
That's my 20, by the way.
That's my 20, by the way, everyone! No-one forget! That's my lighter, by the way.
No-one forget.
Hey, that's Maskill, innit? Maskill was the town's most prolific dealer.
To our teenage imaginations, he seemed a true gangster wealthy and invincible.
But thinking about it now, he was more likely just a very sad adult man selling to teenagers to eke out a tawdry living.
Shall we ask if we can lay on a Henry shit bar? "Lay on" means receive on credit, "shit bar" means low-grade cannabis resin, and a "Henry" means an eighth of an ounce, as in Henry VIII.
I don't know if me lungs can take any more shit bar, lads.
Come on! I've got a free house as of tomorrow.
Definitely want a few joints for that.
- Are Malcolm and Kirsty - Ralph's parents.
Going to be happy with you smoking out their house? They're not back till Friday.
Got plenty of time to air it out.
Let's do it.
Now, then, Maskill What d'you want, boys? Just, er after laying on a Henry of a shit bar.
Nah, I ain't doing shit bar no more, really, boys.
It's low-profit margins an' that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, you not got no skunk, or? To be honest, mate, I'm mainly doing schnecker now.
What's schnecker? Coke.
- Cocaine?! - Nah, fucking Coca-Cola, you silly bastard! - So, er no weed at all, then, no? - Nah.
Tell you what, though, boys, could lay you on a gram of schnecker.
£40 by tomorrow.
- Nah.
We're all right, thanks.
- Yeah, all right, then.
Let's have a word with him.
Come 'ere, Ralph.
- I'll just be a minute, Maskill.
- Take your time.
- What the fuck are you doing?! - What, Craggy? - Buying fucking coke! - That's a serious drug.
So? Weed's a drug, you know.
Booze is a drug, paracetamol's a drug, water's a drug.
Everything's a drug, mate.
Well, it isn't.
- I-I take your point.
- I'm not having nothing to do with this, me.
Me neither.
Liam, what you saying? It's so lame! Yeah.
Yeah, me, too.
Um So, er what do you do? I buy paintings of dogs on behalf of billionaires.
I love that Ah, shit! Half-one.
That has flown by.
Ah! I'd better go soon.
I've got a mental health assessment at 9am.
- Intense.
- Yeah.
And I've waited six weeks for it, so I need to be in a good state, really.
Mental health isn't really something I have myself, but I very much respect people who do.
Shit! Three missed calls from Jess.
Is that your girlfriend? Er yeah.
Yeah, that's her there.
- Oh! She's gorgeous! - I'd do anything for her, you know.
- Are you going to call her back? - I will in a bit, yeah.
A bit later.
- Do you have a boyfriend or a partner? - Nah! To be honest, I don't really have the emotional bandwidth for a relationship right now.
It is stressful, though.
I'm going to all this effort to change and be a good boyfriend and be a good person and it's still not enough.
And it's like she thinks that when it comes to the crunch, I'm just going to mess everything up because I have, like, a fuck-it attitude.
No way! Fuck it.
Maskill, we'll take it.
All right.
40 bar tomorrow, yeah? Thanks, Maskill.
Really appreciate it.
- Fuck off now.
I'm your dealer, not your grandad.
- Yep.
So, you're actually going to go through with it? Yes, Craggy, you boring bastard.
I aren't a boring bastard! - Where you going? - Work! It being half-term, Craggy had taken a part-time job at the local garden centre, which we, perhaps made anxious by this new exposition of adult responsibility, felt uneasy about.
See you in a bit, then, garden-centre boy! I couldn't think of owt good to say.
The following afternoon, Ralph and I took advantage of Malcolm and Kirsty's absence.
- Yes, mate! - Yes, mate! - Yes, mate! - What are you grinning for? You haven't even done owt.
I'm just pleased to see you guys so cheerful.
- Do you want a line? - No, lads.
As you know, I'm a responsible person of high character.
But you two crack on.
- Thank you, mate.
- Thank you, mate.
- Seriously, I'm buzzing, me! - Me, too! - Should get some heads round, innit? - What, like who? - Where's Craggy? - He's at work.
- Fucking sell-out! - Maybe get a couple of nice birdies round.
Nice birdies? What birds are going to want to hang about with us? 'Ere, I'll get Rachel round.
No, you aren't calling Rachel.
You're wired, man! You'll end up saying something stupid.
She ain't coming, end of.
Call someone else.
Fine! I'll call Rupert and Tinhead.
They know loads of birdies.
- Don't call Rupert and Tinhead! - Don't call Rupert and Tinhead! Don't call Rupert and Tinhead.
So who'd like a beer, then? - Yes, we do.
- I'll have one.
- One for Tinhead.
- Ta.
- Ralph.
One for t'Word Maggot.
Not one for you, muzzy boy.
Actually, can I have one as well, please, Rupert? You want one as well, do you, Addy? - Yeah.
- Good boy! This was a big twist.
Addy is a Muslim and has never drunk before.
What you doing, Addy? It's cool.
I want one.
Ah! Right.
Let's have a good old time, then, shall we, boys? These bourgeois users just do not care.
- Um yeah.
- Yeah.
It's sad.
- Could you make my line a bit bigger, please? - Sure.
Liam! - Oh, all right, son? - I've been looking for you.
We're going to head now, so, do you want to share a cab? Um I'm going to stick around for a bit, I think, mate.
It's 2am, pal.
Don't you have that thing in the morning? Yeah, I know.
I'll be off soon.
Nice to meet you.
So nice to meet you, Sam! - I don't think I did meet him, actually.
- Nah.
So, er what's going on after this? - Well, I heard a few people might be going back to Brett's.
- Nice! - Who's Brett? - I don't know.
So, you got me 40 quid, then, Ralph? Um 38.
Um Could you let us off 70p? What the fuck is this, Ralph? Do you think I'm fucking Sheriff of Nottingham or summat, with a little pouch of coins? What the fuck is that - pirate money or summat? - That's a Dutch guilder.
- Oh, sick, man! I'm off to Amsterdam, September, me.
It's going to come in useful, that.
Yeah, yeah.
They're worth loads.
It's worth nowt, mate.
It were replaced by euro t'other year.
Twat! Ralph, don't try and pay me fucking Monopoly money again, all right? Right! Who's schnecking? - I will.
- You done all that bag I gave you yesterday? Yeah.
Can I have one, please? Y-Y-Y-Y-Yeah, you can, mosh.
So, what, you got any tunes, or what? I got baseline CD from t'car.
Get it on, then, Tinhead, mate.
Going in.
Fucking good, that shit.
- Addy, what you doing with a beer? - Sh! Look.
- It's easier than having another standoff.
- It's genius! Genius, or actually quite sad that it's necessary.
Take a seat, Ralph.
So when you going to be able to pay us back for that nosie, Ralph? Well, I just did with all them coins.
Nah, nah, not yesterday, you bag of mush.
I mean t'shot I just gave you now.
But I thought that were just - What? - Like a present.
- A fucking present? - You dickhead! So, when you paying us back? - Well, how much is it? - 25 bar.
25 bar for one line? Well, er Word Maggot had a line, didn't he? Then there were a line for Tinhead, line for Rupert, line for me.
But I didn't know I were paying for everyone.
So 25 bar, yeah? Can I give it to you next week? Course, mate.
Call it a lay-on til next week.
Hey, turn them baselines right up, Tinhead.
Hey, give us a snout, mate.
- Thanks for the cig.
- No worries.
I don't even smoke any more, but when I get high, - I just can't resist.
I'm just like - Oh, me, too.
If I get a molecule of coke in my nose, then I'm basically Dot Cotton.
What do you mean, just chaining? Ooo, Sonia, rack us up a fat one, love.
- Is that Dot Cotton? - I don't know, is it? I feel like that is.
Yo! Looks like this is where the fun is! - Yeah, man.
You need a light? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mmm! - Ta, man.
- No worries.
Mmm! You guys got any after-plans, or? Well, we were thinking we might go back to this guy Brett's.
I'm Brett.
No way! We've heard so much about you! - Really? - No, not really, but just that some people might be going back to yours.
Yeah, they're coming.
Well, I know I am! Hey, listen, any of you guys got a number? My guy's gone to bed, I think.
That's a bad sign, when your dealer's gone to bed before you.
Seriously! But seriously, seriously, can you get some coke? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I-I think so.
Cool! Cool! Then you guys can come back to mine and we can have a sesh! - Great! - Yeah, great.
I mean, it's only 3:52am, so, yeah, yeah, great.
Maskill, d'you reckon you could, er sort me out another lay-on? Another lay-on? Ralph, can I have a word? I don't think you should be laying on more coke.
Addy, with fairness, I have a great deal of respect for your culture and I need to ask you to have the same amount of respect for mine, please.
Is buying class-A drugs on credit what counts as your culture? - Yes.
- Liam, are you listening to this? - Hm? - Ralph's on about laying on more coke.
- Yeah! No, not yeah.
How was he going to pay for it? It's a lay-on.
You don't have to pay for it, that's the whole point.
You got to pay for it next week! Summat will turn up by then.
Thank you, Liam.
It's a bit more of a realistic attitude.
Now, then, Maskill, that lay-on To be honest, giving out these presents, this isn't going to go very far.
Might be easier to lay on, like, 100 quid's worth.
- All right.
- Fucking - It's his own choice, Addy.
With that amount of credit, I'm going to need a deposit.
Have you got a PS2 or summat? Yeah, but Stick that in t'car, Tinhead.
What the fuck's going on?! Hey, Craggy, have you ever seen a pig rimming a hound? I don't want to see that! I wish I hadn't seen it.
I certainly wish I hadn't seen it again.
What the fuck is going on?! Nowt, mate.
We're all good, we're all good.
How were work? Fine! Where's Ralph?! - Claggy, come here, mate.
- Addy! Hang on, what are you doing with a beer? I'm not drinking it.
I'm just pretending so Rupert don't kick off again.
Well, that's fucking stupid.
You don't understand, Craggy.
It's like they've taken over.
Ralph's laid on over 100 quid worth of coke! He's give his PS2 as a deposit, plus God of War III! I tried to stop him, I tried to make him give Ratchet and Clank instead, but he wouldn't listen! This has got out of hand.
Oi! You don't live here, fuck off home.
- Craggy, what you doing? - I'm thinking of Malcolm and Kirsty! It's gone too far! I'm not going to let you do it! You got some cheek, haven't you? - You've been selling us out all day.
- I were at work! And then you come in here, swanning about, telling me what to do.
I've been here all day and I don't want you to do it either.
Addy, I respect your culture, so please respect mine.
Ralph, the only culture you have is the culture of the fool! Heh-heh-heh-heh! He's fucking hilarious, Craggy.
Do that thing.
Show these your thing.
I'm off home, me, lads.
Don't go, Craggy.
We've got a duty to protect Ralph.
You've done a great job of that! Fuck this! I've got work in t'morning.
I don't need this shit! Are they my trainers?! You what, mate? They're my fucking trainers! - They're not.
- Give me my trainers back! I will if I see them, mate.
Well, at least keep me them boots, then, just so I can walk home.
Well, these are mine.
Fuck this! Hey! Have you guys seen Penelope? Who's Penelope? She's a woman I were with before.
She had a colourful shirt, very smooth hair, she's about 25.
Very posh, but in a charming, Cara Delevingne meets a young Sadie Frost type way.
Maybe she's gone to Brett's.
- What's going on? - I'm making it a bit more dirty.
- What? - He's been up all night cleaning.
I made it too clean.
My parents are going to notice, so I'm making it dirty, make it believable.
Ralph, your parents aren't back till Friday.
There's no need to do it now.
It's only Tuesday.
Yeah, and I think you've got more pressing concerns.
Oh, shit! Yeah, Maskill took your PS2! And the fucking family TV! - What? - And his grandma's engagement ring, may she rest in peace! - What?! - He got more coke.
You fucking idiot! I'm sorry for trying to be a nice friend.
Ralph, them lot aren't your friends! Rupert's back.
Do you think he's come to take more stuff? Fuck! Morning, boys.
How are we today, then? You've got to help me get my shit back, mate.
That's polite, innit? No, "Good morning, Rupert.
" "Nice to see you, do you want a bacon sarnie?" Sorry, mate.
Do you want a bacon sarnie? Nah, only joking, mate.
I'm still schneckered out of me head.
I won't eat till next week, me.
So I have a message from Maskill, yeah? He says you can have all t'stuff back if you give him 225 bar by Friday.
He'll be behind the garage at 5:00.
All right, in a bit, boys.
Table needs a wipe-down an' all.
What the fuck am I going to do? - You can stop doing that now, Addy.
- Oh, yeah.
For my part, I felt obliged to help Ralph out, and so pawned some music equipment which I'd recently paid £150 for.
Only gave me 50 quid for the lot.
Right, so, with that and everything that's in my ISA and, er that cheque from my grandma, in total, that's 100 quid.
So that means I've still got 125 quid to get.
Where am I going to find that? To be honest, Ralph, I don't think you are.
Liam, what do you reckon? Fucking hell.
Yo, dude! Mate! Brett! - Oh.
- Smoking area.
- Yeah.
What's up? You coming? Er yeah.
Where's that posh woman? Penelope? Is she not with you? Nah, man.
I mean, unless she's invisible or something.
All right, one sec.
Listen, fella, we're going to Wild Blubber Wolf.
Don't put it in the sat nav, cos that's going to drive us literally in the river.
So you want to take the Thames Barrier down and then we'll give you directions when we get there.
It's quite far, then.
Oh, man, brother, it's going to be worth it! This is the perfect time of day to have a sesh! What you men saying? - Yeah, fuck it.
- Fuck it.
Fuck it, fuck it, I do love it.
You getting in? - Um - Oh.
You want to call your guy first.
- Man, get on it.
- I'll just call him now.
- That sounds like a plan.
- And then I'll come I'll just go over there and do it.
Now, then, Ralph.
I'm 125 bar short.
Ah, you're not getting your stuff back, are you? Wait! And then the cavalry arrived! And by the cavalry, I mean quite a slow boy wearing a fleece and his dad's comfy shoes? How much more do you need? 125 bar.
You fucking prick.
Here's 75.
75's not 125, is it? No, it's not, but it's summat.
All right.
I'll give t'TV.
And t'ring, but I'm keeping t'PS2.
In a bit, boys! Give us a shout if you want to lay on any more gear.
Yes, Craggy! You fucking legend! You saved my life there, mate! I didn't do it for you, I were doing it for Malcolm and Kirsty.
How'd you find t'money? I've been working extra shifts all week! Craggy, thank you so much.
I'm going to have to pay you back, even if takes 50 years.
Well, I were hoping it were going to be a bit more like a couple a month.
Shut up, Craggy.
Stop being so materialistic.
Life's not all about money, mate.
Tell you what, boys, last time I make that mistake.
It wasn't.
Craggy, what on Earth are you wearing on your feet, man? They're Crocs, they're new.
- Crocs? - They're a formed clog, all right! Hey, Jess, it's me.
You're probably still asleep.
I'm just calling to say sorry for last night, for missing all your calls.
I just fell asleep proper early, at, like, 9pm.
Yeah, I was just knackered, so I just went home and crashed out straight away.
So I've just woken up.
I'm actually out on a dawn walk.
Yeah, I just wanted to say sorry again and, um I love you very much and, er I hope you have a nice day and Bye! Bye! Bye! We'll give him another ten minutes and if he doesn't come back, I'll give my guy another try.
We just got to let him have his breakfast and then we're golden.

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