Laid (2011) s02e01 Episode Script

Season 2, Episode 1

I'm Tutankhamen.
Anyone who enters my tomb is doomed with an Egyptian curse.
Brendan was the first to go.
Davey was hit by a car.
And Leighton had an aneurysm.
A penis aneurysm? Is there such a thing as a penis aneurysm? Oh my God, this is a nightmare! You slept with my best friend.
Ah, I'm officially dying.
I just can't go on dates right now.
It's complicated.
She thinks she's killing people.
What? With sex.
Why is this happening? Yeah, why are you doing this? And how're you gonna fix it? I'm doing my best, I promise.
I went to a shaman.
Do you know anyone who'd commit to a relationship with someone they can never have sex with? EJ, you're the woman of my dreams.
Marry me.
What is this? Make love to my son, Roo.
I wouldn't be here if I didn't think it was worth it.
If you were worth it.
Charlie.
You said it was over.
You said they'd be OK.
Sleep with my son, Roo.
Sleep with my son.
Those words are burnt into my brain.
Actually, she said, 'Make love to my son'.
Ten points, Marion.
Chalk that one up.
Look, I thought it was going to be fine.
Do you think I would risk my own son's lifeP You thought it was? I have never encountered a sexual death curse before, until I met your daughter.
Now, wait a minute.
You can't blame her! I realise this must be hard, with Charlie lying here.
You're taking her side! I am not siding.
I just think that Can't you just show some support for Roo for once? You're always so quick to think that she's in the wrong.
I'm not the one talking to dead people! You would if you had half a chance.
Hell, you'd probably throw a Talking to Dead Persons workshop in the front room.
Yeah, and what've YOU done, Graham? What have you actually done to stop this? You two can just fuck right off.
So you know, it wasn't like a white light, exactly.
More like, you know, when you drag a sarong over a lampP Zach.
I'm helping.
You're not.
I'm sharing my knowledge.
This is my gift.
My grief gift.
Yeah, you were brain dead for two minutes, and we're all very impressed.
But if you could justP Yeah, but IP Just not! I died.
And I came back.
I'm just saying Charlie might too.
There's hope.
I'm so sorry, and not just for Zach being a dick.
Hey! He's dying.
You don't know that.
He was fine, we had sex, now he's not.
No-one can tell me anything.
It's all my fault.
It's not your fault.
It's not.
It's Jan's fault.
A 29-year-old female Caucasoid, no genital abnormalities or STIs.
I give you Ruth Eleanor McVie.
Every man she's ever slept with has died.
All 22 of them.
Treatments pursued? Yes.
Reproductive shaman.
Shaman.
Shaman.
Which was unsuccessful.
And also, a sort of a ah, afterlife intervention, also seemingly unsuccessful.
The latest one is in a coma, and he has such full, pouting lips.
There is a case I'm reminded of that may be indeed both insightful and enlightening.
That is, if you'd care to learn more, Greg.
Yeah.
Ahem.
Are you out of your mind? My boyfriend's dying, my vagina is cursed, and you want to set me up with someone.
Shoosh, shoosh, shoosh, hush.
If your mouth is open, then your ears and your mind are not.
Now I know this must be very difficult for you.
I can't imagine how desperately alone you must feel.
Lost, even.
This needn't be the case, because there is somebody who knows you even better than I do.
His name is Marcus Dwyer.
You two have a lot in common.
You are opposite sides of the same coin.
You're the bad side, obviously.
You're the platypus.
And he is Her Majesty the Queen.
I'm assuming it's a 20-cent piece and you're a monarchist.
If you're a Republican, I'd switch that.
Wait, so this Marcus also kills people with sex? No, no, no.
You're opposite sides of the same coin.
So he heals people.
With his penis? Well he's Her Majesty, so he anoints your shoulders with her sword.
It's a nicer way of looking at it.
Anyway, that's for you.
And would you like to see my India slides? Um, that's me drinking tea in Darjeeling.
That's me setting fire to a corpse in the Ganges, which most tourists aren't allowed to do, but I got permission afterwards.
Mmm.
So he's like me, but opposite.
Yeah, I get it.
Yeah, I know, I get it.
Amazing.
You don't sound very amazed.
The last person your gyno sent us to was called ZoltanP Zalan.
And he nearly burned your labia off in his diseased spa.
Then before that Is this supposed to be you being supportive? There was that form that had like twenty questions about anal beads.
There was one.
It was hygiene related.
Forgive my cynicism.
I thought you'd be happy for me.
This could fix everything.
This could fix Charlie.
I just think we should check this guy out before we go getting our hopes up.
I'm not getting my hopes up.
We don't even know what Dr Sex Pants is like.
He could be criminally insane.
Or he could be amazing.
We could become great friends.
Are you sure this is the right place? Apparently.
I was expecting something a bit more Sexy? Velvet.
Maybe he's just humble.
Sex healers can be humble, right? Sure.
Marvin Gaye seemed quite humble.
Don't.
And then his Dad shot him.
Must you always? Surname? McVie.
Ruth McVie.
Do we really need to wear those? Let's not set off on the wrong foot by violating park rules.
Purpose of visit? We're here to see Marcus Dwyer.
What for? Oh, for private business.
Do you have an appointment? He is fairly booked up.
It's me.
Just wondering how the appointment diary is looking for today.
Yeah.
OK.
I'll let them know.
Oh, looks like you might have just got a sudden vacancy.
If you play your cards right.
That's terrific.
Thank you.
I didn't mean you.
I was referring, if we're going to be specific about it, to your more attractive friend here with the smoking rack.
Now if you'll follow me on the designated walking track, I'll take you to the king and we can make this erotic dream a reality.
Look.
This place is full of freaks.
Don't say that.
What? You can't call people with birthmarks freaks.
That is not a birthmark.
It's like chewing-gum exploded.
They're called port wine stains.
A lot of people are born with them See, now that's a creepily specific name for a birth defect.
Why port wine? It's a birth defect.
Shouldn't make you feel thirsty.
Oh God, look at that kid! Is this seriously where he lives? Your superior tone displays a distinct lack of knowledge about luxury demountables.
Come on, girls, let's do this.
I love this bit.
Oh, this is a good one.
Look at her face.
Oh, not him! It's a fairly pertinent comment on society's obsession with physical beauty, when you think about it.
Enough about your psychological experiments, Marcus.
Tell us what you do.
Form an orderly queue, ladies.
I'll be glad to.
What I offer is a fairly straight forward procedure, during which you will be penetrated, caressed and left with the sort of climax most people describe as 'the best thing I've ever experienced without the assistance of a dolphin vibrator and/or male prostitute.
Five stars.
' Some say 5.
5 or 6, but I don't like to measure outside the more conventional rating system.
So, ah, you're a bit of an arrogant arsehole, Marcus? Arseholes cost extra.
I usually like to run through a few basics before taking on new clients.
Bra size? I don't see what that's got to do with anything.
It's a fairly simple checklist.
If you have a preferred position, I can try to work with that, within reason.
I'm picky when it comes to virgins, though I'm fairly sure that ship sailed long ago for you.
So what What happens, exactly, Marcus in one of your treatments? Well basically, it's just like your regular GP, but instead of a thermometer, I use my penis.
I treat everything from pneumonia to footrot.
Yet to meet a disease I can't handle.
And how long have you had this gift? Was it something you noticed, well not from birth, that would be weird.
But um, as far as partners go, have you always healed them? What difference does it make? Just getting a little background.
Why? You're sick, I heal you with my genitals.
If you don't believe me, go see some of my clients.
Sorry, you don't understand.
We're not here to use the service.
Well, then what? If you're from Channel 9, I'm using my rape alarm, I swear to God.
No, no, you and I actually have somethingP Nothing.
We're not here for anything.
Ah, we were just passing through, wanted to see the freeway.
It's a lovely spot.
Ah, it was nice meeting you, Marcus.
Love what you've done with the place.
Probably could do with a bit more brown.
I was just about to tell him about me and the Charlie situation.
I know.
That's why I stopped you.
Well what for? That guy is a total sham.
Did you get a load of him? He looks like 'The Scream'.
The what? You know, the painting, on the bridge.
Ugghh! Oh, that's slightly unkind.
No way.
That guy heals people with his semen.
He probably just once gave some poor damaged Twilight fan her first orgasm, and he's been dining out on it ever since.
I mean, seriously.
'Instead of a thermometer, I use my penis.
' Alright, you've made your point.
Poor Charlie.
He's not getting any better, is he? How can you tell? He looks really sick.
My cousin Amy looked the same just before she died.
Is this your cousin Amy that looks like Mark Occhilupo? You know what this means, don't you? Probably shouldn't have bothered with the chocolates.
Of all the guys lucky enough to spend a night with Roo, you'll be the only one alive.
And he rooted her after you.
You've defied the odds.
You've died and come back to life.
In a way, you're kinda like Jesus.
Jesus who? I just wanted it to be real.
He could have changed everything.
It's nobody's fault that Marcus is a con artist.
Are you picturing him going down on someone right now? Because I am.
Everything's so shit.
I know, right.
Marcus is a sham.
My marital status is still ambiguous.
I say we both go home and drink Drambuie until one of us pukes into the insinkerator.
Still nothing? He proposed.
I heard him.
You don't imagine something like that.
Maybe his memory got wiped when he was brain dead.
You sure you want to marry Zach? I don't expect you to understand, but as maid of honour I do expect you to be nice about it.
And wear a stupid dress.
And do the chicken dance.
Then ask him.
What if he only proposed because he thought he was dying? People say weird shit when they think they're going to die.
My Uncle Roger said, 'I ate a rock'.
Oh my God, look! Is that It's her! Her who? Marcus's power! He healed her! He cured the port wine lady.
We have to go back.
It's not a sign of anything.
It's probably make-up! We're going back! Good foundation! Is this really necessary? Really! Shhh! Can I have a turn at being Danny Glover soon? I'm getting' too old for this shit! Shh! Oh, my bum's wet.
He's the real deal.
Ugh! I can sense it.
Look! A client! Good to see she's not in a hurry.
Should we help? Shoosh! Hello! I've got an appointment.
Come in! Do you want me No, you can take your own underpants off.
I'm not a performing monkey.
Eww! Shh! Will you, or will I Oh.
I'm going to look.
You're not going to look! Why else are we here? Are we here to watch strangers in wheelchairs screw each other in demountables? I need to know! Is that it? Maybe it's quality, not quantity.
And now she's walking.
I like how he got someone from the local panto company in to help the scam along.
That's a nice touch.
I mean, just because she was in a wheelchair and now she's not doesn't mean anything.
Maybe she's just lazy.
Roo? Think of the opportunities.
I mean Jesus, he got a lot done.
Yeah, can we talk about something else? But you're exactly like him.
He went into the cave, died, and came out.
I was brain dead.
Right.
For two minutes.
And you came back to tell the tale.
To spread the word.
Jesus got Christmas named after him.
You could do way better than that.
Being the new Jesus seems like it's, probably, you know, a lot of effort.
I'd rather just play Connect 4.
Jesus got a lot of pussy.
Did he? It's in the Bible.
I don't remember that bit.
It's in the sealed section.
Yeah, well I don't want pussy.
What? No, well you know, I do, but you know, just EJ's.
Pussy is such a brutal word, isn't it? She'd love you being Jesus.
No, she loves me just the way I am.
Connect four, bitch! Ah! You're out of your mind.
He's a pervert who preys on sick, desperate women.
And heals them.
Don't fall for his scam.
You don't know for sure this is a scam.
This could be real.
I've got a feeling about this.
A sense.
Like when you thought you could understand horses? That was never disproved.
Roo! I just want to talk to her.
What are you going to open with? 'We just deliberately listened to you have sex and we wondered whether it was magic'.
Shhh! She's just there.
Come on.
She gives details, I'll vomit.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi there.
Yes? You don't know me, but I was just I was wondering if you'd mind if I asked you a few questions? Oh, I already donate to the Conservation Foundation.
I was wanting to ask you about Marcus Dwyer.
I just saw you there before, and after, and I wanted to know what happened.
I'm sorry, you must have me mistaken for someone else.
You were in a wheelchair, and now you're not.
I was at a day spa having hydro treatment.
No, no, you were having sex with Marcus.
He just cured you.
Oh! I am a married woman! Who can now walk! Roo.
She was there! Let's go.
Yeah, I think you should.
My husband will be here soon and I don't think he'd like what you're Please! No, no, you don't have to touch her P Please tell me what you know.
Let the woman go! Let go of me! Alright, crazy lady.
I'm sorry.
I don't know I don't know what I'm doing.
I just really wanted it to be true.
I'm so sorry.
Do everything you can to see him.
Everything.
Just Just don't open your eyes during, 'cause it's Here he is.
How're you feeling? Oh, a bit weird.
Poor thing.
I was hearing voices.
I'm so glad you're awake.
Yeah, it doesn't make much difference though, does it? I'm gonna die.
Don't say that.
We have to be realistic, Roo.
It's happening.
Maybe not.
Jam.
Fish.
Bike.
Yes! Right again.
What was your grade two teacher's name? Mrs Abrahams, but I called her Mrs Baberahams.
She liked that.
I bet she did.
Do I get points for that, too? Mm-mm.
What game is this? It's just an early onset dementia test.
Like Cranium.
Sort of.
So, am I winning? You are.
What happens now? You tell me.
Is there anything you want to say to me? Anything you feel we should discuss as a couple? No.
Should we get a boat? I give up.
What? I thought you'd changed.
I thought you were different.
I'm very different.
I thought you were better than I don't know.
You know what, forget it! Wait! Don't worry about it.
What? Well, now I am worried about it.
I have changed.
I might be Jesus.
Is that enough change? Or the second coming, you know.
I don't like that term, though.
Ugh.
Well, he sounds like a bit of a freak.
More of an eccentric than a freak.
And you're sure he's not a con? Positive.
Wow! What about EJ? What does EJ think? You just need to see him for yourself.
So what is it this guy does exactly? It's a very interesting technique, actually Which involves? Just a sort of massage.
A very deep tissue massage.
Mmm, I don't know.
Mum's already taken me to get my aura cleansed.
This is totally different.
And what harm can it do trying lots of options? I guess so.
So you'll do it? You'll come and see Marcus? Sure.
What, now? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ow! Whoa, whoa.
That was close.
Do we really need to be in this much of a hurry? Well, you want to get better, don't you? Yeah.
Well then, Marcus could provide some great insight into your condition.
He's a very refreshing, sort of unconventional type of healer, and also, quite exotic looking, if you're looking at him in the right light.
I thought you said he looked like a tall dwarf.
I did.
But there are lots of sexy dwarves.
Have you seen the Station Agent? It doesn't matter if he's sexy or not.
It doesn't.
I didn't say sexy.
I said exotic.
You know, when you can tell someone's got a lot going on under the surface.
Ah, so do you like computers, Marcus? I said, do you- I heard you.
I'm just boggling at the level of inanity attached to the question.
Is he always this tedious or does he loosen up? Just making small talk.
Small talk is for single mothers.
There's no point getting nasty.
Do you, um, have a hankie? You've been on a drip.
That's for fluids.
If he has a heart attack halfway through me doing it I'm not going to stop to revive him.
What? No, no.
No, it's all well and good saying, 'Oh, we're open-minded.
We'll try anything', and then getting all worked up the minute another man starts to penetrate your girlfriend.
Sorry? No cameras, no iPhones, and if you must pleasure yourself, do me the courtesy of finishing off into a tissue.
Sorry, I don't understand.
There's been a misunderstanding.
You're not doing me.
Oh, my God! No way! Let's not make any hasty- I do not do men.
You are No way! You said he did deep tissue massage.
You were trying to set us up? Oh God, don't make me puke.
Can we just go? Grow up, Charlie! This isn't school boy stuff.
You're dying! I'm sorry to be blunt but we both know it.
You are.
You have a chance to save yourself.
Just open your mind.
It's not his mind that'd be opened.
You are not helping.
Look, nobody's being opened by anybody.
Can we just go? He is very attractive, you know? And very inventive in the bedroom! I'll be in the car.
Well may he be, young lady Charlie! .
.
and I applaud your good fortune.
But that piece of tail is not being treated! What's wrong with you, Marcus? Are you homophobic or something? Yes, frankly, I can't stand fags.
Don't call them that! They're on a par with blacks, refugees, women drivers and vegetarians.
Blacks.
I could go on.
Great.
So you're a bigot.
No.
I can't stand bigots, either.
You're unbelievable.
Flattery will get you nowhere.
This is entirely unfair.
I'm not giving your jaundiced boyfriend the treatment.
You're out of your mind.
I have standards.
Can't we just please talk about this? No! Just get out of my cabin.
Roo! Oh, little Bobby Chemo Face wants his teddy! Next!