Las Vegas s01e03 Episode Script
Donny, We Hardly Knew Ye
[Lively instrumental music.]
DEALER: Change $20,000.
DEALER: Colour out, $20,000.
Good luck.
[Beeping.]
DANNY: Okay, that's the second time in six hours.
Guy buys $20,000 in chips, plays a hundred and then takes off.
It's Julian Kerbis, clean record, booked in for two nights.
He could be laundering counterfeit bills.
Nothing counterfeit from the last table he played.
I checked after the last shift.
[Phone rings.]
Yeah? Right.
Push in on 25.
Sir, we can't allow play to be held up for an extended period.
Hit or stick, pal.
Rules say one or the other.
[Grunts.]
Must have been that pastrami I had for lunch.
This decade.
Oh, boy.
I think I'll lie down for a minute.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
Get some paramedics in here.
NESSA: And shut down this table.
It could be a diversion.
[Man continues groaning.]
Please remove your chips.
We're shutting down the table.
I just split a pair.
ED: Kerbis could have used his first purchase to check our collection schedule.
ED: So run the cash on this shift.
If there are no counterfeits, get Sam to work her magic.
I don't remember you shutting the table down when I drew 16.
Sir, this man is in need of medical assistance.
I'm in need of a winning hand.
Move some of these people.
Give this guy some air.
ED: How is he? NESSA: Paramedics say he's really sick.
NESSA: Looks legit.
DONNY: Hey, Ed? DONNY: Ed? ED: Yeah.
DONNY: Ed? ED: What? Geez Louise.
How do you like this for a "who woulda thunk"? Excuse me.
What is that? DONNY: It's me.
Donny.
Your cousin, Donny, Sheila's boy.
DONNY: Your great ED: Sure, Donny.
ED: Without hair.
I was a little more dashing 20 years ago.
- Was that when we had dinner? - Old Ebbitt Grill, Washington, DC, 1982.
Right.
You staying here at the Montecito? DONNY: Yes.
You, too? ED: I work here.
Hello! And judging from the suit, I guess you are upper-level middle management.
How about I fix you up a suite? Boy, did I run into the right cousin.
- Yes, thank you.
- Least I can do.
DONNY: Wait.
You didn't hear my big news.
See, I came in, what, three days ago, you know, to recharge the old Duracells? Anyway, before I know it, I run into this girl.
Gorgeous.
And we hit it off.
I mean, like butter and toast.
Twelve hours later, she's checking out of her room, checking into mine DONNY: Honey! [Donny whistles.]
ED: I have to go back to work now.
DONNY: Wait.
You gotta hear this.
This morning I get up the nerve to pop the question.
She says yes.
Hey, honey.
I would like you to meet my favourite cousin, Ed.
And, Ed, this is my future better half, Marie.
[Marie giggles.]
- Donny and Marie? - I know what you're thinking.
Which one's country, which one's rock 'n' roll? [Donny laughs.]
Listen, it's been really a pleasure.
Congratulations.
But we have a medical emergency here.
Great luck on the wedding, okay? Wait, maybe you could come.
It's tonight.
You know, he could be my best man.
Could you? I know it would mean a lot to Donny, you being blood and all.
NESSA: Ed? ED: Sounds great.
NESSA: Not looking good.
Heart attack.
[Man laughing.]
You find this funny? Yeah.
I owe that guy money.
[Laughs.]
[Theme music.]
DANNY: Sammy, I really need you.
SAM: Yes.
DANNY: I want you to do a little recon work for me.
SAM: I thought you meant in that caveman kind of way.
DANNY: I do.
I just wear a patch to control it.
DANNY: The guy's name is Julian Kerbis.
Booked a room for two nights, bought $40,000 in chips, but hasn't gambled.
I checked all his cash.
No counterfeits.
Everything cleared.
Sometimes high rollers like to get a feel for a place.
Where is he? - Gift shop.
- Delinda wants you to meet her by the pool.
[Sam mewing.]
DANNY: Come on.
It's not like that, okay? - Our relationship is - What? Really mature.
Yeah.
She seems like a very mature girl to me.
Better hurry.
DANNY: [Voiceover.]
Our relationship has matured.
Initially, I'll admit, it was pretty much all physical, but now Thank you, God.
Hey.
[Upbeat rock music.]
Said you wanted to talk? Great day.
Yeah, it's dry heat.
Makes 114 feel like it's only 110.
Danny, do you think we're right for each other? I think we're still getting to know each other.
We've only been seeing each other a few weeks.
I don't think we are.
DELINDA: Yes, we could get to know each other, but honestly, Danny you're just not reckless enough for me.
Look, if this is about that monorail thing, I told you that Don't get defensive, Danny.
I like you and the sex was definitely above average.
DANNY: [Voiceover.]
Above average? But between the reckless deficiency and my father freaking out about me dating someone who works for him it just seems sort of pointless.
I don't know if I'd call it pointless.
But if you don't wanna I really don't.
So are you okay with that? I'm not sure giving it another shot would kill us, would it? Don't be bummed out.
DANNY: [Voiceover.]
"Don't be bummed out"? This may be the last time I ever get to see her naked.
We can still be friends.
DANNY: [Voiceover.]
Definitely the last time.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
SAM: Can't decide? Can't do Vegas without a black T-shirt, right? SAM: Take both.
Rita, put these on my account.
Two of them.
- No, I can't let you do that.
- Please.
It's on the Montecito.
Here you go.
Samantha Marquez, Director of Casino Services.
- Julian Kerbis.
- Julian.
This really isn't necessary, but thank you.
SAM: Mr.
Kerbis, I want you to know how much Montecito values your patronage.
SAM: If we can do anything to make your stay more enjoyable No, the T-shirts are plenty.
- Have you seen our VIP casino? - I'm late for a meeting.
I'd be happy to have one of our cars take you.
- It's at the Luxor.
I could drive.
- What's your game? Baccarat, craps? I'm gonna set you up at one of our higher stakes tables.
- You know, I'll call you.
- Please do.
[Phone rings.]
Ed.
Yeah.
No, Mr.
Kerbis has nothing to say and he couldn't get out of here fast enough.
He says he's going to a meeting at the Luxor.
Eastbound on Main Street.
ED: Coming to 22.
I start to pick him up on 24.
Give me 222.
So much for the Luxor.
Where the hell's Danny? [Upbeat instrumental music.]
Above average? That's cold, man.
Good afternoon, Mr.
Maloof.
Your suite's all ready.
Good to be back, Mike.
Hey, Eagles game will be on channel 7, MALOOF: Thanks.
MIKE: I'll see you, sir.
DANNY: She is right about the "Big Ed's daughter" thing.
It's a recipe for disaster, my friend.
- How much did he just tip you? - C-note.
Goes up if he starts winning.
All I'm saying is, Delinda's not what everybody thinks.
DANNY: She's got her head on her shoulders.
- She does? - Yeah.
You two talk a lot of current events, Eastern philosophy? I liked her.
I liked hanging with her.
Look, I know it's no fun when your honey drops the hammer but you and I both know it would have never worked.
- Maybe you're right.
- Yeah.
DANNY: These Ferraris here for the owners' convention? MIKE: Yeah, 14 out here, another 100 in the garage.
[Phone rings.]
Danny McCoy.
ED: Excuse me.
We have work to do.
You remember work? - I gotta run.
Big Ed.
- Does Big Ed know? - I haven't told him.
- Maybe you should.
Brighten his day.
You wanna know the best part? She said we can still be friends.
Ouch.
ED: Where the heck you been? DANNY: Talking to Mike.
Great.
So while you two ladies were having your little sewing circle that Kerbis decided to clam up with Sam.
You solve this guy or throw him out of here.
- Where are you going? - Excuse me? - Just curious.
- A wedding.
- Not yours.
- I don't think you have to worry about that.
- She dumped you.
- Like yesterday's newspaper.
Come on.
Sit down for a minute.
[Ed sighs.]
ED: What the hell do you expect? Walking hand in hand on the beach with thousands of violins playing? Long talks about growing old together? Look, I love Delinda but she absolutely drives me crazy.
The truth is, I was hoping that spending some time with you might actually ground her a little bit.
So, you didn't really disapprove? Which doesn't mean it would have been the best thing for you.
It also doesn't mean that - you should expect a raise.
- No, I don't.
So, whose wedding are you going to? Half-wit cousin.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry it didn't work out with Delinda.
But you'll find someone.
- That's not too easy in this town.
- Yeah, I believe that.
I'll find Kerbis.
Yeah.
[People chattering.]
Hey.
MARY: What's up? DANNY: [Voiceover.]
God, she doesn't know about Delinda.
You see that guy over there at the nickel slots? DANNY: Julian Kerbis.
DANNY: He bought $40,000 in chips but he's barely gambled.
- You think he's laundering? - I don't know yet.
[Mary exclaims.]
Danny, I wouldn't take the whole Delinda thing too personally.
Overlunder on a relationship with her is usually about three weeks.
You lasted four and a half.
Thank you.
That makes me feel so much better.
I heard Berneice in accounting made $400.
Off my misfortune? Nice.
DANNY: Nice.
[Beeping.]
[Warbling.]
[Chips clattering.]
For $100, I can only use my hand.
For $500 [Lois giggles.]
I can give you everything.
Every part of me.
LOIS: Excuse me, Carl.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
DANNY: Hey.
WOMAN: Hi.
You always hang out at the ladies' room? [Stammering.]
I'm waiting for one of my friends.
Maybe later.
I'm in 2608.
[Upbeat instrumental music continues.]
Lois, I know you're in there.
Industrial-strength baby powder and gardenias are your signature scent.
It's pretty easy to track.
DANNY: What are we gonna do about this? LOIS: Let me go? It's the third time I've caught you in here, Lois.
Remember what I told you last time? I really can't take a bust right now.
I'm behind on my rent.
DANNY: Tell you what.
You see that guy? You think you can get him to take you into his room? - Won't be a problem.
- Into his room, nothing else? - And then we're even? - Then you take your business elsewhere.
Permanently.
Security.
DANNY: Security.
Is there some problem? I'm sorry to bother you, Mr.
Kerbis but one of our people reported seeing you come up with a known prostitute.
- No.
That never happened.
- Is that Mrs.
Kerbis? Yes.
KERBIS: Honey, I told you to stay by the bed.
LOIS: I told you I wanted my money.
- She's not feeling well.
- I'm a little confused.
So you're married to a hooker? Okay, you got me.
Guilty of being a male seeking female companionship.
Must be the first time in Las Vegas history.
Call in the FBI.
No, sir.
This doesn't fall under their jurisdiction but Las Vegas Municipal Code requires us to report all crimes - committed on the Montecito property.
- You're gonna report me? I have to.
[Sighing.]
Look, maybe I exercised bad judgment but if my wife finds out I don't think that one mistake should cost me my whole marriage.
Do you? Miss, why don't you let Mr.
Kerbis and me have a little man-to-man? And report to the security office.
DANNY: There is one thing that you can help me with.
KERBIS: Yeah.
DANNY: And if you do - maybe we can forget about the other thing.
- Okay.
Sure.
Tell me why you bought $40,000 worth of chips if you don't intend to gamble.
I don't know.
But if it's a problem, I can cash it in.
DANNY: Mr.
Kerbis.
Wanna call your wife and tell her you were arrested for soliciting a prostitute? - I said I would cash them in.
- You're gonna have to leave immediately.
KERBIS: Wait a minute.
- I'm gonna need security on - No.
Wait a minute.
[Sighing.]
I can't leave the hotel.
I'm supposed to meet a guy here tomorrow and I don't know how to contact him.
I don't even know what he looks like.
He's gonna sell me a car.
And you were gonna buy the car with the chips? DANNY: Blend in with the other gamblers, make yourself anonymous DANNY: A little less traceable? KERBIS: Something like that.
DANNY: You never bought a stolen car before I did not know it was stolen.
$40,000 for a 355 Spyder? Are you kidding me? Those things cost $130,000, minimum.
But if you did your business at the Ferrari convention - no one would pay attention, right? - That was his idea.
[Danny moans.]
If I leave, this guy is gonna be really pissed off.
He's got my name, my phone number.
I'm afraid that he's gonna come and find me.
And I've never even been with a prostitute.
- You want me to give you a mulligan? - Could you? [Danny sighs.]
[Rock 'n' roll music.]
DONNY: Nice looking place.
And it doesn't try too hard.
So what do you think, sweetheart? MARIE: It's so cool.
DONNY: So cool.
You must be the Rollins party.
I'm Debbie, your coordinator.
You two look so authentic.
DEBBIE: If you'd like to share in the spirit I'm sure I could rustle up some era-appropriate wardrobe, if you like.
No, I'm fine.
Thank you.
[Debbie chuckles.]
Listen, we're running a teensy bit behind.
If you wouldn't mind waiting in our garden area.
Wow.
It's so close to The Strip.
MARIE: Is there a little girls' room nearby? DEBBIE: Yes.
I'll show you.
- Isn't she something? - Yeah.
You know, I never thought anyone would marry me.
I asked a girl once.
She thought it was a joke and actually started laughing.
But she wasn't in Marie's league.
Not even in her solar system.
Nice.
Listen Donny, I want you to think about something.
This is Vegas.
[Chuckling.]
Yeah.
Magic happens here.
I'm not just talking about the disappearing tigers and stuff like that.
I'm talking, you know, magic.
You two met here you fell in love here, and now you're getting married here.
[Chuckles.]
What I'm saying is Well I'm sure that this magic's gonna follow you all the way back to Trenton.
I hope so.
First of all, you know the Donny and Marie thing? - Right.
- Good omen.
Next of all, I put $1,000 down on Marie's birthday on the roulette wheel.
- I won 35 large.
- There you go.
[Sweeping instrumental music.]
DEBBIE: All right.
Are you two lovebirds ready? All systems go.
Let's rock 'n' roll.
Let me introduce you to your pastor.
You all look real groovy.
You, too.
Thanks, Jimi.
DONNY: Ed, you have done so much for us.
You have to let me repay the favour.
ED: This is not necessary.
Jimi said he was going to do a show tomorrow.
Promised he would do Manic Depression.
Would you excuse me a second? Right back.
ED: Sam? Excuse me.
That's my cousin Donny and his new wife, Marie.
Yeah.
He's really a sweet enough guy and the problem is, he's gonna be here another day, and I just ED: I would like you to take care of them.
Give them anything they want as long as I'm not a part of it.
No, I'm serious as a heart attack.
Hey, guys.
This is my top casino host.
This is Samantha.
- Hey.
- Hi.
And Sam's gonna see to it that you guys get to do whatever it is you want to do.
Shows, restaurants, you name it.
My wedding present.
Eddie, you have done too much already.
No, I insist, and I'll check on you later, all right? Thanks, Sam.
DONNY: You better.
We have a lot of catching up to do.
ED: You got it, partner.
SAM: So, what's your Vegas fantasy? Is Carrot Top in town? Call the cops and have them pop Kerbis and the seller after the money is exchanged.
I thought we might cut this Kerbis guy a break.
If possible? The guy's in our hotel to commit a crime.
I had a hooker I know put him in a compromising position to get him to talk.
So, technically, I set him up.
- "Technically.
" - Yeah.
So, this is This do-gooder, that's part of your new job description? DANNY: I'll leave it up to you.
DANNY: [Voiceover.]
Occasionally, Ed will give a guy a pass but only if it's his decision.
Fine.
You'll be Kerbis.
DANNY: [Voiceover.]
Or it makes my job more difficult.
Listen.
Make sure the bust takes place off property.
It might not look so good if a Ferrari thief gets taken down in the middle of a Montecito Ferrari convention.
ED: Do they have a meet location set yet? DANNY: Bella Sera bar tomorrow.
Kerbis is supposed to be wearing a Mandalay Bay hat and a Palms jacket.
- Don't use chips.
Pay for the car in cash.
- Our cash? Actually, your cash, if it goes bad.
Well, you wanted to give Kerbis a break.
DELINDA: Hi, Danny.
Hi, Daddy.
DANNY: Hey.
DANNY: I told your father about our decision.
DELINDA: Good.
[Sighs.]
Two major holidays.
DELINDA: What? ED: That's all I want one of these serious relationships of yours to span two major holidays.
That too much to ask to keep your father from going crazy? Danny wasn't right for me.
Listen, I came upstairs to ask your advice on something.
Joining a convent's a great idea.
[Delinda sighs.]
- What about getting a job? - Do you mean that? - I think it's time.
I think I should.
- Well, that is great.
- Would you like to come to work for me? - Don't you think we'd kill each other? Yeah, possibly.
But I might get to see you every day.
DANNY: If a guy sits at my table, no one knows me.
You got it.
[People chattering.]
[Coins clinking.]
- You Julian Kerbis? - Yeah.
You got the cash? I gotta test them.
I'm about to give you the keys to a real Ferrari.
MAN: I gotta know if it's real.
DANNY: Pick a few.
[Electronic beeping.]
[Ed scoffs.]
Okay, the rest.
DANNY: Where's the car? MAN: Sammy Davis entrance.
- The rest.
- First I gotta see it.
No.
I told you on the phone, you give me the cash, I give you the keys.
No kicking the tyre.
No cooling off period.
Done deal.
Push in on 19.
Call the police.
Tell them to stay close to Danny.
You do not wanna piss me off, Mr.
Kerbis.
I want you to walk with me to the car so I know it's real, just like the cash.
[Tense instrumental music.]
[Car engine starts.]
MAN: Okay, here it is.
Let's have the money.
You wanted to see the car, you saw it.
Let's do it.
I'd like to take it out first.
- You think this is a joke? - I know what this is.
I want to make sure it runs.
I got a phoney title in my room and a guy ready to restamp the VIN.
I'm taking a risk, too.
Forget it.
Terms set.
I gotta make sure it runs.
What are you gonna do, shoot me and take the money with everyone watching? You won't make it past the fountain.
I got the money, and I want the car.
DANNY: I'm just trying to protect my investment.
Five minutes on the l-15.
Once through the gears.
I would very much like to kick your ass right now.
Five minutes.
- Hey, we need some cars moved.
- As soon as I move this one.
DANNY: No, that's not fast enough.
Maybe this'll speed things up.
Right away, sir.
Thank you.
Only language these guys understand.
Five minutes.
WOMAN: Big winner! ED: Hey there.
So, did you guys enjoy the Carrot Top show? - What an experience.
Have you seen him? - The man's a comic genius.
Honey, could you go get the $30,000 from our hotel room? Whoa.
Donny, you can't broadcast an errand like that here.
Sam? Would you mind escorting Marie up to her room? - She's gotta bring Donny something.
- No problem.
Hi.
I guess you can't be too careful even in a classy place like this.
- Man, I cannot buy a hand today.
- Why don't you take a little break? That's a good idea.
I'm gonna stretch the legs wash the face, refocus.
- There you go.
- What? DONNY: Got them.
DONNY: I don't wanna sound like a broken record but this has been the best 24 hours of my life.
Right.
I appreciate you making me look good in front of Marie.
That is above and beyond, my friend.
I just wish there was something I could do for you.
- What time are you leaving? - Noon, tomorrow.
How about I buy you breakfast? No, how about you buy me breakfast? Let's do that.
Because you know Marie, she's always sleeping late.
Look, I got a place, they serve the best pancakes you've ever had.
ED: How's 8:00? DONNY: Good.
DONNY: Thank you.
ED: All right.
DELINDA: Hey, Dad.
ED: Hey, sweetheart.
So what do you think about the restaurant business? What do I think about the restaurant Yeah.
I mean, sure.
You went to that cooking school in Europe.
It was a two-day chocolate retreat in St.
Moritz.
But I did take some hospitality management courses in college.
I think this business would be great for you.
DELINDA: If I find something.
ED: You will find something.
Without any undue coercion from Ed Deline? Wait a minute.
Helping my daughter find a job is undue? Okay, I promise.
No one will be physically harmed.
[Marching band playing popular '80s song.]
See, this is why I love Las Vegas.
I gotta see them.
[Car engine revving.]
MAN: Turn around.
The freeway's just up ahead.
Aren't we gonna - I said turn around.
- Okay.
[Horns blaring.]
COP: [On police radio.]
Dispatch, this is 1830.
Suspect is not visible.
Over.
[Beeping.]
MAN 1: The busboy seems to be handling it.
MAN 2: What is it, backup? MAN 3: Five.
WOMAN: I'll go to screen 38.
Doesn't look like anybody snatched her up, unless the cabbie was a hypnotist.
- How was she with Donny? - She seemed ecstatic.
Ecstatic? Mike, listen.
You put a woman in a cab about ten minutes ago mid-30s, red leather jacket, kind of maroonish pants? Yeah, I'll hold.
That poor putz.
He was really crazy about her.
I really thought this was gonna be a Vegas love story, but What? Okay, thanks, Mike.
McCarran, west terminal.
This time of day, it'll take her a half hour to get through security.
Good.
You find her and bring her to me.
- What about Donny? - I'll talk to him.
[Tense instrumental music.]
[Tyres screeching.]
I decided I don't trust you and I don't do business with people I don't trust.
And there's a $50,000 cancellation fee.
- Okay.
Think about how stupid that is.
- I don't know.
No cameras here.
I know your name, I know what you look like and I know where you live.
DANNY: You know what? Deal's off.
MAN: Yeah.
[Tense instrumental music continues.]
[Tyres screeching.]
DANNY: Where were you? I think we lost him.
MIKE: No, he just turned onto Demming Road.
[Fast-paced instrumental music.]
[Tyres screeching.]
[Both screaming.]
- This is Daniel - You have to install anti-locks.
Tell Detective Perez the meeting place is now 2600 Wrightwood.
[Both grunting.]
[Gunshot.]
Wait.
We're getting shot at over a car? Does that make sense? It's a really nice car.
And he's got my money! [Fast-paced instrumental music continues.]
DANNY: Look out! [Dogs barking.]
MIKE: Get the gun! DANNY: Get the money! [Police radio chattering.]
How'd you know I'd see that note on that bill you gave me? You checked Maloof's hundred.
- But you gave me a five.
- Which I want back.
[Mike laughs.]
JOAN: From your personal account, Mr.
Deline? Yeah.
ED: Thanks, Joan.
JOAN: Have a good day, Mr.
Deline.
[Slot machine bleeping.]
Hey.
DONNY: I took a break like you said.
ED: Yeah.
But I don't think the cards know I took a break.
Tell me, have you seen Marie? Because she should have been back by now with the do-re-mi.
Right.
Well, yes I did.
And she asked me to please give you the money.
Apparently Sam started telling her about our spa here and she decided she had to have a massage or a facial or whatever the hell they get.
Broads.
Listen, if it's something she wants to do for herself that's fine by me.
- Listen, don't lose all that money.
- I won't.
Okay.
[People chattering.]
We capture the bad guy, collect the money and got to go swimming.
That's a pretty solid day.
You messed up my car.
I drove it back and the shift points were off.
You getting us shot at almost messed up my life.
[Rap music playing.]
And before that, Delinda gave me my walking papers.
Very solid day.
Listen, man.
You had two good hours to feel sorry for yourself.
Now, over and out, baby.
You know what you need to do? MIKE: Dust yourself off and hop back in the saddle.
MIKE: See that girl? Works in marketing.
- Digs you.
- Yeah? MIKE: Go for it.
She [Mike exclaims sympathetically.]
Well, that's her loss.
- That's all her loss.
- Her loss.
Hey.
We muscled it today.
You and I? Bad-asses.
I didn't know you could swim.
[Chuckling.]
I surprised you with my stroke, right? I was told this bad-ass wasn't reckless enough.
Which is chick code for "too set in his ways.
" Good for you.
You want my advice? DANNY: Not really.
MIKE: One thing.
When I start dating a girl, know what I do? - What do you do? - Whatever she wants.
Sunrise hike in the mountains? Sounds good.
Antique shopping? Let's go.
- I establish rapport.
- Sounds like guy code for "ass-kiss" to me.
[Chuckling.]
Good burger.
Pass me the ketchup.
I was great out there today, man.
Welcome.
Have a seat, please.
Eddie, listen.
I can explain what happened.
First, it's Ed Mr.
Deline or, if you happen to be my mother, Edward.
Mr.
Deline Second, I'm really not interested in what happened because you see, that's the past.
We wanna talk about the future.
- She have the money? - Yes.
It's all there.
All there.
That's good.
ED: So here's what is going to happen.
You will go down to the casino, find your husband and then you will tell him about the lovely massage you had and how very happy you are to be married to him and tomorrow you will go back to Trenton where you will stay married to him for at least - What do you think? - A year.
For at least a year.
You will be a loving and devoted wife, you will offer him moral support conjugal comfort and you'll laugh at all his jokes.
I'll be calling every week to check.
Now, the only way you're relieved of this obligation is if Donny so chooses.
Now.
[Sighs.]
ED: Now what would you call that? ED: First meeting of the lovebirds or sizing up the mark? Mr.
Deline, I have feelings for Donny, I do but I just don't think that we're meant for each other.
That is unfortunate, because you see, he thinks you are.
Besides, arranged marriages Well, it's an integral part of many great cultures.
But in this one, instead of getting stoned to death if you refuse I notify your parole officer.
ED: Let's see here Kaminsky, Marie.
Shoplifting, conviction.
Cheque forgery, conviction.
Mail fraud Now you add to this misappropriation SAM: Stealing from your husband.
ED: Who you adore.
Or I could make your life miserable.
He will.
Very miserable.
[People chattering.]
[Man laughing.]
MARIE: Hi, honey.
DONNY: Hey, sweetie.
- We made sure she got the full treatment.
- She deserves it.
DEALER: They're coming out.
DONNY: Okay.
Baby, blow on these.
Ouch! Yeah! [Dice rattling.]
DEALER: Ten over seven from our winner.
Yes! She is a walking good-luck charm.
Excuse me.
All right, the police have the car thief and the Ferrari in custody.
- What about the money? - Mike took it back to the cage.
Good job.
MIKE: Mr.
D.
ED: Michael.
You did put that money back in the cage? - Yeah.
Every penny.
- You got that $5 you owe me? DANNY: Mike, I mean it.
KERBIS: Danny? - So, everything's cool? I can leave? - Yeah, you can leave.
[Whispering.]
It's all on the QT? It's our little secret.
- Should I turn this in? - Use it.
It's a free play card.
[Slot machine bleeping.]
[Slot machine siren wailing.]
[Bell ringing.]
DANNY: You won! KERBIS: I did? DANNY: Yeah! KERBIS: I did! But nothing's coming out.
KERBIS: I won a car? I won a car! [Kerbis laughing.]
WAITRESS: One German, one pigs in a blanket.
Thank you.
[Jazzy music playing.]
This may be a pancake house, but I don't see a flapjack in the joint.
It's really not a big deal here.
My wife actually has friends who are PTA presidents during the day and strippers at night.
- People can fool you.
- Yeah.
ED: Speaking of which I know everything is really great with you and Marie and I hope it stays that way.
But for whatever it's worth I think you ought to go into this with your eyes open.
You can't really know somebody in three days.
We got the marriage annulled.
- Whose decision was that? - Mine.
We went to the courthouse yesterday afternoon and I was thinking of the right time to tell you because I felt so bad, because you had done so much for us.
- Don't worry about it.
- But, you know, I started thinking to myself: What if she doesn't like my dog or my apartment? DONNY: I like my apartment.
And my Ranger Bobble-Head collection? DONNY: There's some things you gotta know.
- Absolutely.
- Now, I still have feelings for Marie.
We may keep seeing each other.
I don't know.
But when that plane touched ground it was like all rational thought went right out the window.
More coffee? Vegas will do that to you.
Here.
DEALER: Change $20,000.
DEALER: Colour out, $20,000.
Good luck.
[Beeping.]
DANNY: Okay, that's the second time in six hours.
Guy buys $20,000 in chips, plays a hundred and then takes off.
It's Julian Kerbis, clean record, booked in for two nights.
He could be laundering counterfeit bills.
Nothing counterfeit from the last table he played.
I checked after the last shift.
[Phone rings.]
Yeah? Right.
Push in on 25.
Sir, we can't allow play to be held up for an extended period.
Hit or stick, pal.
Rules say one or the other.
[Grunts.]
Must have been that pastrami I had for lunch.
This decade.
Oh, boy.
I think I'll lie down for a minute.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
Get some paramedics in here.
NESSA: And shut down this table.
It could be a diversion.
[Man continues groaning.]
Please remove your chips.
We're shutting down the table.
I just split a pair.
ED: Kerbis could have used his first purchase to check our collection schedule.
ED: So run the cash on this shift.
If there are no counterfeits, get Sam to work her magic.
I don't remember you shutting the table down when I drew 16.
Sir, this man is in need of medical assistance.
I'm in need of a winning hand.
Move some of these people.
Give this guy some air.
ED: How is he? NESSA: Paramedics say he's really sick.
NESSA: Looks legit.
DONNY: Hey, Ed? DONNY: Ed? ED: Yeah.
DONNY: Ed? ED: What? Geez Louise.
How do you like this for a "who woulda thunk"? Excuse me.
What is that? DONNY: It's me.
Donny.
Your cousin, Donny, Sheila's boy.
DONNY: Your great ED: Sure, Donny.
ED: Without hair.
I was a little more dashing 20 years ago.
- Was that when we had dinner? - Old Ebbitt Grill, Washington, DC, 1982.
Right.
You staying here at the Montecito? DONNY: Yes.
You, too? ED: I work here.
Hello! And judging from the suit, I guess you are upper-level middle management.
How about I fix you up a suite? Boy, did I run into the right cousin.
- Yes, thank you.
- Least I can do.
DONNY: Wait.
You didn't hear my big news.
See, I came in, what, three days ago, you know, to recharge the old Duracells? Anyway, before I know it, I run into this girl.
Gorgeous.
And we hit it off.
I mean, like butter and toast.
Twelve hours later, she's checking out of her room, checking into mine DONNY: Honey! [Donny whistles.]
ED: I have to go back to work now.
DONNY: Wait.
You gotta hear this.
This morning I get up the nerve to pop the question.
She says yes.
Hey, honey.
I would like you to meet my favourite cousin, Ed.
And, Ed, this is my future better half, Marie.
[Marie giggles.]
- Donny and Marie? - I know what you're thinking.
Which one's country, which one's rock 'n' roll? [Donny laughs.]
Listen, it's been really a pleasure.
Congratulations.
But we have a medical emergency here.
Great luck on the wedding, okay? Wait, maybe you could come.
It's tonight.
You know, he could be my best man.
Could you? I know it would mean a lot to Donny, you being blood and all.
NESSA: Ed? ED: Sounds great.
NESSA: Not looking good.
Heart attack.
[Man laughing.]
You find this funny? Yeah.
I owe that guy money.
[Laughs.]
[Theme music.]
DANNY: Sammy, I really need you.
SAM: Yes.
DANNY: I want you to do a little recon work for me.
SAM: I thought you meant in that caveman kind of way.
DANNY: I do.
I just wear a patch to control it.
DANNY: The guy's name is Julian Kerbis.
Booked a room for two nights, bought $40,000 in chips, but hasn't gambled.
I checked all his cash.
No counterfeits.
Everything cleared.
Sometimes high rollers like to get a feel for a place.
Where is he? - Gift shop.
- Delinda wants you to meet her by the pool.
[Sam mewing.]
DANNY: Come on.
It's not like that, okay? - Our relationship is - What? Really mature.
Yeah.
She seems like a very mature girl to me.
Better hurry.
DANNY: [Voiceover.]
Our relationship has matured.
Initially, I'll admit, it was pretty much all physical, but now Thank you, God.
Hey.
[Upbeat rock music.]
Said you wanted to talk? Great day.
Yeah, it's dry heat.
Makes 114 feel like it's only 110.
Danny, do you think we're right for each other? I think we're still getting to know each other.
We've only been seeing each other a few weeks.
I don't think we are.
DELINDA: Yes, we could get to know each other, but honestly, Danny you're just not reckless enough for me.
Look, if this is about that monorail thing, I told you that Don't get defensive, Danny.
I like you and the sex was definitely above average.
DANNY: [Voiceover.]
Above average? But between the reckless deficiency and my father freaking out about me dating someone who works for him it just seems sort of pointless.
I don't know if I'd call it pointless.
But if you don't wanna I really don't.
So are you okay with that? I'm not sure giving it another shot would kill us, would it? Don't be bummed out.
DANNY: [Voiceover.]
"Don't be bummed out"? This may be the last time I ever get to see her naked.
We can still be friends.
DANNY: [Voiceover.]
Definitely the last time.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
SAM: Can't decide? Can't do Vegas without a black T-shirt, right? SAM: Take both.
Rita, put these on my account.
Two of them.
- No, I can't let you do that.
- Please.
It's on the Montecito.
Here you go.
Samantha Marquez, Director of Casino Services.
- Julian Kerbis.
- Julian.
This really isn't necessary, but thank you.
SAM: Mr.
Kerbis, I want you to know how much Montecito values your patronage.
SAM: If we can do anything to make your stay more enjoyable No, the T-shirts are plenty.
- Have you seen our VIP casino? - I'm late for a meeting.
I'd be happy to have one of our cars take you.
- It's at the Luxor.
I could drive.
- What's your game? Baccarat, craps? I'm gonna set you up at one of our higher stakes tables.
- You know, I'll call you.
- Please do.
[Phone rings.]
Ed.
Yeah.
No, Mr.
Kerbis has nothing to say and he couldn't get out of here fast enough.
He says he's going to a meeting at the Luxor.
Eastbound on Main Street.
ED: Coming to 22.
I start to pick him up on 24.
Give me 222.
So much for the Luxor.
Where the hell's Danny? [Upbeat instrumental music.]
Above average? That's cold, man.
Good afternoon, Mr.
Maloof.
Your suite's all ready.
Good to be back, Mike.
Hey, Eagles game will be on channel 7, MALOOF: Thanks.
MIKE: I'll see you, sir.
DANNY: She is right about the "Big Ed's daughter" thing.
It's a recipe for disaster, my friend.
- How much did he just tip you? - C-note.
Goes up if he starts winning.
All I'm saying is, Delinda's not what everybody thinks.
DANNY: She's got her head on her shoulders.
- She does? - Yeah.
You two talk a lot of current events, Eastern philosophy? I liked her.
I liked hanging with her.
Look, I know it's no fun when your honey drops the hammer but you and I both know it would have never worked.
- Maybe you're right.
- Yeah.
DANNY: These Ferraris here for the owners' convention? MIKE: Yeah, 14 out here, another 100 in the garage.
[Phone rings.]
Danny McCoy.
ED: Excuse me.
We have work to do.
You remember work? - I gotta run.
Big Ed.
- Does Big Ed know? - I haven't told him.
- Maybe you should.
Brighten his day.
You wanna know the best part? She said we can still be friends.
Ouch.
ED: Where the heck you been? DANNY: Talking to Mike.
Great.
So while you two ladies were having your little sewing circle that Kerbis decided to clam up with Sam.
You solve this guy or throw him out of here.
- Where are you going? - Excuse me? - Just curious.
- A wedding.
- Not yours.
- I don't think you have to worry about that.
- She dumped you.
- Like yesterday's newspaper.
Come on.
Sit down for a minute.
[Ed sighs.]
ED: What the hell do you expect? Walking hand in hand on the beach with thousands of violins playing? Long talks about growing old together? Look, I love Delinda but she absolutely drives me crazy.
The truth is, I was hoping that spending some time with you might actually ground her a little bit.
So, you didn't really disapprove? Which doesn't mean it would have been the best thing for you.
It also doesn't mean that - you should expect a raise.
- No, I don't.
So, whose wedding are you going to? Half-wit cousin.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry it didn't work out with Delinda.
But you'll find someone.
- That's not too easy in this town.
- Yeah, I believe that.
I'll find Kerbis.
Yeah.
[People chattering.]
Hey.
MARY: What's up? DANNY: [Voiceover.]
God, she doesn't know about Delinda.
You see that guy over there at the nickel slots? DANNY: Julian Kerbis.
DANNY: He bought $40,000 in chips but he's barely gambled.
- You think he's laundering? - I don't know yet.
[Mary exclaims.]
Danny, I wouldn't take the whole Delinda thing too personally.
Overlunder on a relationship with her is usually about three weeks.
You lasted four and a half.
Thank you.
That makes me feel so much better.
I heard Berneice in accounting made $400.
Off my misfortune? Nice.
DANNY: Nice.
[Beeping.]
[Warbling.]
[Chips clattering.]
For $100, I can only use my hand.
For $500 [Lois giggles.]
I can give you everything.
Every part of me.
LOIS: Excuse me, Carl.
[Upbeat instrumental music.]
DANNY: Hey.
WOMAN: Hi.
You always hang out at the ladies' room? [Stammering.]
I'm waiting for one of my friends.
Maybe later.
I'm in 2608.
[Upbeat instrumental music continues.]
Lois, I know you're in there.
Industrial-strength baby powder and gardenias are your signature scent.
It's pretty easy to track.
DANNY: What are we gonna do about this? LOIS: Let me go? It's the third time I've caught you in here, Lois.
Remember what I told you last time? I really can't take a bust right now.
I'm behind on my rent.
DANNY: Tell you what.
You see that guy? You think you can get him to take you into his room? - Won't be a problem.
- Into his room, nothing else? - And then we're even? - Then you take your business elsewhere.
Permanently.
Security.
DANNY: Security.
Is there some problem? I'm sorry to bother you, Mr.
Kerbis but one of our people reported seeing you come up with a known prostitute.
- No.
That never happened.
- Is that Mrs.
Kerbis? Yes.
KERBIS: Honey, I told you to stay by the bed.
LOIS: I told you I wanted my money.
- She's not feeling well.
- I'm a little confused.
So you're married to a hooker? Okay, you got me.
Guilty of being a male seeking female companionship.
Must be the first time in Las Vegas history.
Call in the FBI.
No, sir.
This doesn't fall under their jurisdiction but Las Vegas Municipal Code requires us to report all crimes - committed on the Montecito property.
- You're gonna report me? I have to.
[Sighing.]
Look, maybe I exercised bad judgment but if my wife finds out I don't think that one mistake should cost me my whole marriage.
Do you? Miss, why don't you let Mr.
Kerbis and me have a little man-to-man? And report to the security office.
DANNY: There is one thing that you can help me with.
KERBIS: Yeah.
DANNY: And if you do - maybe we can forget about the other thing.
- Okay.
Sure.
Tell me why you bought $40,000 worth of chips if you don't intend to gamble.
I don't know.
But if it's a problem, I can cash it in.
DANNY: Mr.
Kerbis.
Wanna call your wife and tell her you were arrested for soliciting a prostitute? - I said I would cash them in.
- You're gonna have to leave immediately.
KERBIS: Wait a minute.
- I'm gonna need security on - No.
Wait a minute.
[Sighing.]
I can't leave the hotel.
I'm supposed to meet a guy here tomorrow and I don't know how to contact him.
I don't even know what he looks like.
He's gonna sell me a car.
And you were gonna buy the car with the chips? DANNY: Blend in with the other gamblers, make yourself anonymous DANNY: A little less traceable? KERBIS: Something like that.
DANNY: You never bought a stolen car before I did not know it was stolen.
$40,000 for a 355 Spyder? Are you kidding me? Those things cost $130,000, minimum.
But if you did your business at the Ferrari convention - no one would pay attention, right? - That was his idea.
[Danny moans.]
If I leave, this guy is gonna be really pissed off.
He's got my name, my phone number.
I'm afraid that he's gonna come and find me.
And I've never even been with a prostitute.
- You want me to give you a mulligan? - Could you? [Danny sighs.]
[Rock 'n' roll music.]
DONNY: Nice looking place.
And it doesn't try too hard.
So what do you think, sweetheart? MARIE: It's so cool.
DONNY: So cool.
You must be the Rollins party.
I'm Debbie, your coordinator.
You two look so authentic.
DEBBIE: If you'd like to share in the spirit I'm sure I could rustle up some era-appropriate wardrobe, if you like.
No, I'm fine.
Thank you.
[Debbie chuckles.]
Listen, we're running a teensy bit behind.
If you wouldn't mind waiting in our garden area.
Wow.
It's so close to The Strip.
MARIE: Is there a little girls' room nearby? DEBBIE: Yes.
I'll show you.
- Isn't she something? - Yeah.
You know, I never thought anyone would marry me.
I asked a girl once.
She thought it was a joke and actually started laughing.
But she wasn't in Marie's league.
Not even in her solar system.
Nice.
Listen Donny, I want you to think about something.
This is Vegas.
[Chuckling.]
Yeah.
Magic happens here.
I'm not just talking about the disappearing tigers and stuff like that.
I'm talking, you know, magic.
You two met here you fell in love here, and now you're getting married here.
[Chuckles.]
What I'm saying is Well I'm sure that this magic's gonna follow you all the way back to Trenton.
I hope so.
First of all, you know the Donny and Marie thing? - Right.
- Good omen.
Next of all, I put $1,000 down on Marie's birthday on the roulette wheel.
- I won 35 large.
- There you go.
[Sweeping instrumental music.]
DEBBIE: All right.
Are you two lovebirds ready? All systems go.
Let's rock 'n' roll.
Let me introduce you to your pastor.
You all look real groovy.
You, too.
Thanks, Jimi.
DONNY: Ed, you have done so much for us.
You have to let me repay the favour.
ED: This is not necessary.
Jimi said he was going to do a show tomorrow.
Promised he would do Manic Depression.
Would you excuse me a second? Right back.
ED: Sam? Excuse me.
That's my cousin Donny and his new wife, Marie.
Yeah.
He's really a sweet enough guy and the problem is, he's gonna be here another day, and I just ED: I would like you to take care of them.
Give them anything they want as long as I'm not a part of it.
No, I'm serious as a heart attack.
Hey, guys.
This is my top casino host.
This is Samantha.
- Hey.
- Hi.
And Sam's gonna see to it that you guys get to do whatever it is you want to do.
Shows, restaurants, you name it.
My wedding present.
Eddie, you have done too much already.
No, I insist, and I'll check on you later, all right? Thanks, Sam.
DONNY: You better.
We have a lot of catching up to do.
ED: You got it, partner.
SAM: So, what's your Vegas fantasy? Is Carrot Top in town? Call the cops and have them pop Kerbis and the seller after the money is exchanged.
I thought we might cut this Kerbis guy a break.
If possible? The guy's in our hotel to commit a crime.
I had a hooker I know put him in a compromising position to get him to talk.
So, technically, I set him up.
- "Technically.
" - Yeah.
So, this is This do-gooder, that's part of your new job description? DANNY: I'll leave it up to you.
DANNY: [Voiceover.]
Occasionally, Ed will give a guy a pass but only if it's his decision.
Fine.
You'll be Kerbis.
DANNY: [Voiceover.]
Or it makes my job more difficult.
Listen.
Make sure the bust takes place off property.
It might not look so good if a Ferrari thief gets taken down in the middle of a Montecito Ferrari convention.
ED: Do they have a meet location set yet? DANNY: Bella Sera bar tomorrow.
Kerbis is supposed to be wearing a Mandalay Bay hat and a Palms jacket.
- Don't use chips.
Pay for the car in cash.
- Our cash? Actually, your cash, if it goes bad.
Well, you wanted to give Kerbis a break.
DELINDA: Hi, Danny.
Hi, Daddy.
DANNY: Hey.
DANNY: I told your father about our decision.
DELINDA: Good.
[Sighs.]
Two major holidays.
DELINDA: What? ED: That's all I want one of these serious relationships of yours to span two major holidays.
That too much to ask to keep your father from going crazy? Danny wasn't right for me.
Listen, I came upstairs to ask your advice on something.
Joining a convent's a great idea.
[Delinda sighs.]
- What about getting a job? - Do you mean that? - I think it's time.
I think I should.
- Well, that is great.
- Would you like to come to work for me? - Don't you think we'd kill each other? Yeah, possibly.
But I might get to see you every day.
DANNY: If a guy sits at my table, no one knows me.
You got it.
[People chattering.]
[Coins clinking.]
- You Julian Kerbis? - Yeah.
You got the cash? I gotta test them.
I'm about to give you the keys to a real Ferrari.
MAN: I gotta know if it's real.
DANNY: Pick a few.
[Electronic beeping.]
[Ed scoffs.]
Okay, the rest.
DANNY: Where's the car? MAN: Sammy Davis entrance.
- The rest.
- First I gotta see it.
No.
I told you on the phone, you give me the cash, I give you the keys.
No kicking the tyre.
No cooling off period.
Done deal.
Push in on 19.
Call the police.
Tell them to stay close to Danny.
You do not wanna piss me off, Mr.
Kerbis.
I want you to walk with me to the car so I know it's real, just like the cash.
[Tense instrumental music.]
[Car engine starts.]
MAN: Okay, here it is.
Let's have the money.
You wanted to see the car, you saw it.
Let's do it.
I'd like to take it out first.
- You think this is a joke? - I know what this is.
I want to make sure it runs.
I got a phoney title in my room and a guy ready to restamp the VIN.
I'm taking a risk, too.
Forget it.
Terms set.
I gotta make sure it runs.
What are you gonna do, shoot me and take the money with everyone watching? You won't make it past the fountain.
I got the money, and I want the car.
DANNY: I'm just trying to protect my investment.
Five minutes on the l-15.
Once through the gears.
I would very much like to kick your ass right now.
Five minutes.
- Hey, we need some cars moved.
- As soon as I move this one.
DANNY: No, that's not fast enough.
Maybe this'll speed things up.
Right away, sir.
Thank you.
Only language these guys understand.
Five minutes.
WOMAN: Big winner! ED: Hey there.
So, did you guys enjoy the Carrot Top show? - What an experience.
Have you seen him? - The man's a comic genius.
Honey, could you go get the $30,000 from our hotel room? Whoa.
Donny, you can't broadcast an errand like that here.
Sam? Would you mind escorting Marie up to her room? - She's gotta bring Donny something.
- No problem.
Hi.
I guess you can't be too careful even in a classy place like this.
- Man, I cannot buy a hand today.
- Why don't you take a little break? That's a good idea.
I'm gonna stretch the legs wash the face, refocus.
- There you go.
- What? DONNY: Got them.
DONNY: I don't wanna sound like a broken record but this has been the best 24 hours of my life.
Right.
I appreciate you making me look good in front of Marie.
That is above and beyond, my friend.
I just wish there was something I could do for you.
- What time are you leaving? - Noon, tomorrow.
How about I buy you breakfast? No, how about you buy me breakfast? Let's do that.
Because you know Marie, she's always sleeping late.
Look, I got a place, they serve the best pancakes you've ever had.
ED: How's 8:00? DONNY: Good.
DONNY: Thank you.
ED: All right.
DELINDA: Hey, Dad.
ED: Hey, sweetheart.
So what do you think about the restaurant business? What do I think about the restaurant Yeah.
I mean, sure.
You went to that cooking school in Europe.
It was a two-day chocolate retreat in St.
Moritz.
But I did take some hospitality management courses in college.
I think this business would be great for you.
DELINDA: If I find something.
ED: You will find something.
Without any undue coercion from Ed Deline? Wait a minute.
Helping my daughter find a job is undue? Okay, I promise.
No one will be physically harmed.
[Marching band playing popular '80s song.]
See, this is why I love Las Vegas.
I gotta see them.
[Car engine revving.]
MAN: Turn around.
The freeway's just up ahead.
Aren't we gonna - I said turn around.
- Okay.
[Horns blaring.]
COP: [On police radio.]
Dispatch, this is 1830.
Suspect is not visible.
Over.
[Beeping.]
MAN 1: The busboy seems to be handling it.
MAN 2: What is it, backup? MAN 3: Five.
WOMAN: I'll go to screen 38.
Doesn't look like anybody snatched her up, unless the cabbie was a hypnotist.
- How was she with Donny? - She seemed ecstatic.
Ecstatic? Mike, listen.
You put a woman in a cab about ten minutes ago mid-30s, red leather jacket, kind of maroonish pants? Yeah, I'll hold.
That poor putz.
He was really crazy about her.
I really thought this was gonna be a Vegas love story, but What? Okay, thanks, Mike.
McCarran, west terminal.
This time of day, it'll take her a half hour to get through security.
Good.
You find her and bring her to me.
- What about Donny? - I'll talk to him.
[Tense instrumental music.]
[Tyres screeching.]
I decided I don't trust you and I don't do business with people I don't trust.
And there's a $50,000 cancellation fee.
- Okay.
Think about how stupid that is.
- I don't know.
No cameras here.
I know your name, I know what you look like and I know where you live.
DANNY: You know what? Deal's off.
MAN: Yeah.
[Tense instrumental music continues.]
[Tyres screeching.]
DANNY: Where were you? I think we lost him.
MIKE: No, he just turned onto Demming Road.
[Fast-paced instrumental music.]
[Tyres screeching.]
[Both screaming.]
- This is Daniel - You have to install anti-locks.
Tell Detective Perez the meeting place is now 2600 Wrightwood.
[Both grunting.]
[Gunshot.]
Wait.
We're getting shot at over a car? Does that make sense? It's a really nice car.
And he's got my money! [Fast-paced instrumental music continues.]
DANNY: Look out! [Dogs barking.]
MIKE: Get the gun! DANNY: Get the money! [Police radio chattering.]
How'd you know I'd see that note on that bill you gave me? You checked Maloof's hundred.
- But you gave me a five.
- Which I want back.
[Mike laughs.]
JOAN: From your personal account, Mr.
Deline? Yeah.
ED: Thanks, Joan.
JOAN: Have a good day, Mr.
Deline.
[Slot machine bleeping.]
Hey.
DONNY: I took a break like you said.
ED: Yeah.
But I don't think the cards know I took a break.
Tell me, have you seen Marie? Because she should have been back by now with the do-re-mi.
Right.
Well, yes I did.
And she asked me to please give you the money.
Apparently Sam started telling her about our spa here and she decided she had to have a massage or a facial or whatever the hell they get.
Broads.
Listen, if it's something she wants to do for herself that's fine by me.
- Listen, don't lose all that money.
- I won't.
Okay.
[People chattering.]
We capture the bad guy, collect the money and got to go swimming.
That's a pretty solid day.
You messed up my car.
I drove it back and the shift points were off.
You getting us shot at almost messed up my life.
[Rap music playing.]
And before that, Delinda gave me my walking papers.
Very solid day.
Listen, man.
You had two good hours to feel sorry for yourself.
Now, over and out, baby.
You know what you need to do? MIKE: Dust yourself off and hop back in the saddle.
MIKE: See that girl? Works in marketing.
- Digs you.
- Yeah? MIKE: Go for it.
She [Mike exclaims sympathetically.]
Well, that's her loss.
- That's all her loss.
- Her loss.
Hey.
We muscled it today.
You and I? Bad-asses.
I didn't know you could swim.
[Chuckling.]
I surprised you with my stroke, right? I was told this bad-ass wasn't reckless enough.
Which is chick code for "too set in his ways.
" Good for you.
You want my advice? DANNY: Not really.
MIKE: One thing.
When I start dating a girl, know what I do? - What do you do? - Whatever she wants.
Sunrise hike in the mountains? Sounds good.
Antique shopping? Let's go.
- I establish rapport.
- Sounds like guy code for "ass-kiss" to me.
[Chuckling.]
Good burger.
Pass me the ketchup.
I was great out there today, man.
Welcome.
Have a seat, please.
Eddie, listen.
I can explain what happened.
First, it's Ed Mr.
Deline or, if you happen to be my mother, Edward.
Mr.
Deline Second, I'm really not interested in what happened because you see, that's the past.
We wanna talk about the future.
- She have the money? - Yes.
It's all there.
All there.
That's good.
ED: So here's what is going to happen.
You will go down to the casino, find your husband and then you will tell him about the lovely massage you had and how very happy you are to be married to him and tomorrow you will go back to Trenton where you will stay married to him for at least - What do you think? - A year.
For at least a year.
You will be a loving and devoted wife, you will offer him moral support conjugal comfort and you'll laugh at all his jokes.
I'll be calling every week to check.
Now, the only way you're relieved of this obligation is if Donny so chooses.
Now.
[Sighs.]
ED: Now what would you call that? ED: First meeting of the lovebirds or sizing up the mark? Mr.
Deline, I have feelings for Donny, I do but I just don't think that we're meant for each other.
That is unfortunate, because you see, he thinks you are.
Besides, arranged marriages Well, it's an integral part of many great cultures.
But in this one, instead of getting stoned to death if you refuse I notify your parole officer.
ED: Let's see here Kaminsky, Marie.
Shoplifting, conviction.
Cheque forgery, conviction.
Mail fraud Now you add to this misappropriation SAM: Stealing from your husband.
ED: Who you adore.
Or I could make your life miserable.
He will.
Very miserable.
[People chattering.]
[Man laughing.]
MARIE: Hi, honey.
DONNY: Hey, sweetie.
- We made sure she got the full treatment.
- She deserves it.
DEALER: They're coming out.
DONNY: Okay.
Baby, blow on these.
Ouch! Yeah! [Dice rattling.]
DEALER: Ten over seven from our winner.
Yes! She is a walking good-luck charm.
Excuse me.
All right, the police have the car thief and the Ferrari in custody.
- What about the money? - Mike took it back to the cage.
Good job.
MIKE: Mr.
D.
ED: Michael.
You did put that money back in the cage? - Yeah.
Every penny.
- You got that $5 you owe me? DANNY: Mike, I mean it.
KERBIS: Danny? - So, everything's cool? I can leave? - Yeah, you can leave.
[Whispering.]
It's all on the QT? It's our little secret.
- Should I turn this in? - Use it.
It's a free play card.
[Slot machine bleeping.]
[Slot machine siren wailing.]
[Bell ringing.]
DANNY: You won! KERBIS: I did? DANNY: Yeah! KERBIS: I did! But nothing's coming out.
KERBIS: I won a car? I won a car! [Kerbis laughing.]
WAITRESS: One German, one pigs in a blanket.
Thank you.
[Jazzy music playing.]
This may be a pancake house, but I don't see a flapjack in the joint.
It's really not a big deal here.
My wife actually has friends who are PTA presidents during the day and strippers at night.
- People can fool you.
- Yeah.
ED: Speaking of which I know everything is really great with you and Marie and I hope it stays that way.
But for whatever it's worth I think you ought to go into this with your eyes open.
You can't really know somebody in three days.
We got the marriage annulled.
- Whose decision was that? - Mine.
We went to the courthouse yesterday afternoon and I was thinking of the right time to tell you because I felt so bad, because you had done so much for us.
- Don't worry about it.
- But, you know, I started thinking to myself: What if she doesn't like my dog or my apartment? DONNY: I like my apartment.
And my Ranger Bobble-Head collection? DONNY: There's some things you gotta know.
- Absolutely.
- Now, I still have feelings for Marie.
We may keep seeing each other.
I don't know.
But when that plane touched ground it was like all rational thought went right out the window.
More coffee? Vegas will do that to you.
Here.