Last Comic Standing (2003) s08e08 Episode Script
Challenge 3 - Universal Tram Experience
Male narrator: Previously, on Last Comic Standing, Rod Man won the talk show challenge.
Hey, I'm not your baby baby daddy.
- I don't know what you gon' do.
- [Laughter.]
Narrator: And Lachlan Patterson survived the head-to-head showdown.
You could feed me nyquil, duct tape a stick to me, and call me "swiffer.
" Narrator: Tonight, improv master, Howie Mandel Who would like to talk to me first? - I'll talk to you first.
- You're gonna talk to me? Get out! Everyone else, out! Narrator: Prepares the comics to expect the unexpected as the challenge round takes us on a wild ride.
It's headed for us! Oh, my God! [People screaming.]
[Laughter.]
Narrator: Then it's one of the funniest and most surprising stand-up showdowns ever.
This is sudden death.
Narrator: Three deadlocked judges Now what do we do? Narrator: Two powerhouse comics You're not gonna believe this.
Narrator: One epic night of comedy.
I'm blown away.
Narrator: As the comics move another step closer to $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
Welcome back to the Last Comic Standing work space at the Jon Lovitz comedy club at Universal Citywalk.
This week, you will face your third challenge, called, "Tram it all in.
" This challenge is all about crowd work and thinking on your feet.
Each of you will take a turn being a tour guide at Universal Studios, Hollywood.
One at a time, you'll guide the tour for an entire run.
After everyone has taken a turn, the tram audience will decide the winner.
And as always, you'll have some help from a special guest mentor.
He was named one of the top and is currently one of the stars of America's got Talent.
Please welcome Howie Mandel, Baby! - [Applause.]
- Howie! - Thank you.
- That's the man right there.
Oh, no, sit down.
How you doing, J.
B.
? I'm doing good, Baby.
Bam, that's how we do, - the fist bump.
- Wow.
Howie Mandel is our mentor today.
I'm so excited.
I can't believe it.
This just keeps getting better and better.
Okay, Howie, any general words of wisdom before we get started? This is so exciting for me, to actually get an opportunity to mentor.
Improvisation, that's what it's about.
When I started in 1979, I didn't have an act, and here it is in 2014, and I-I don't have an act.
- [Laughter.]
- And most of what I do is improvise.
I think that the audience responds when they feel it's real.
Be in the moment, no fear, and just do it, and those are the rules of improvisation.
Okay.
With all that said, - let's get started.
- Yes.
And here is a map of the route.
- Ahh.
- Wow.
The Universal Studios back lots consist of different sets that you've seen in movies.
So our job is to give people a great tour of the back lot.
When I was a kid, I went on that tour There he is.
Watch your camera! And I remember saying, "I could do this way better than this guy.
" So I'd like to deal with you people one-on-one.
Who is gonna go first? Who would like to talk to me first? - I'll talk to you first.
- You're gonna talk to me? Get out! Everyone else, out! You have to make your mark.
So do you have an idea? So it'll be a welcome.
Welcome to the to the bus.
Welcome to the bus.
I think if you get absolutely everything wrong - Uh-huh.
- That'll be memorable.
- [Laughs.]
- And it's gotta be obvious - that it's wrong.
- Okay.
Right.
Like, I might not know the parts of the water.
You don't know the parts of the water.
It's a Jew thing.
My people don't swim.
My people don't swim either, Howie.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
- We have so much in common.
- [Laughs.]
See, I yeah.
Now, when you do your act, what is a big part of your act? - I'm pretty scripted.
- Sometimes, you're gonna have to go off the script, even when you're not in this contest.
- Yeah.
- Sometimes the power goes out in the microphone.
Sometimes something happens in the audience.
Sometimes, you know, you go blank.
Has that ever happened? - Y uh - [Laughs.]
- Go on your instinct.
- Okay.
Whatever comes into your mind, just let it spew out.
That's what improvisation is.
If you don't know where you are and some silly thought comes into your mind, let that silly thought out, and maybe that'll be the basis from which you can just grow from.
I'm gonna take that advice and be funny and commit and just be silly and let it flow.
Do you ever improvise in your act? - Always.
- Always? And I've worked Party Buses before.
- Party Buses? - Yes, from New York to Atlantic City.
You have a leg up on a lot of the guys here, because you have worked a club that is rolling.
- Yes.
- What is the toughest part of improvising on a moving object? - Uh, not falling down.
- [Laughs.]
- What are you worried about? - Nothing.
You shouldn't worry about anything.
I'm not worried.
I don't know all the facts about jaws.
I don't even watch half of theses movies.
[Laughs.]
How do you get in your zone when you're at a club? It's usually drinks and ladies.
- You know, I'm a fan of yours.
- Oh, I appreciate that.
- You like improvising? - I don't like improvising, but it's one of those things that comes up anyway.
I think the best way to prepare for improvisation - is to actually improvise.
- Right, right.
I'll give you a little exercise.
You wait here for a minute.
Just improvise.
- Mm-hmm.
- Prepare.
- Okay.
- Improv.
- [Laughs.]
Ugh.
Do you do a lot of improvising when you do your act in stand-up? - Because you have more material.
- Yeah, yeah.
So you hone your stuff, and you craft it.
- Yeah, I write an act, yeah.
- You write an act.
And every word is important to you.
- Yes.
- But this is not about that.
- This test - Trow that out the window? You're trowin' it out the window.
- [Laughs.]
- Okay.
Can't let yourself get nervous.
- Mm-hmm.
- You just got to have fun, and even have fun if this makes any sense not having fun.
I get that, I get that.
Like, I have fun bombing.
It'd be fun to give them misinformation.
Oh, yeah.
I would probably say the Bates motel is where Tyler Perry is filming - his new movie.
- [Laughs.]
- Tyler Perry, guy who - No, I know who he is.
Is there a place that Tyler Perry - is not making a movie? - [Laughs.]
George Clooney is on the lot, full prosthetics.
He's unrecognizable.
Howie decided to pull a random family of tourists who all thought I was George Clooney.
- Hi, how are you all? - Hi.
They didn't really know what they were getting into.
What's the favorite stuff he's done? With Julia Roberts.
Julia Roberts? I'll tell you what, a lot of people criticize her.
Class act, a beautiful lady.
- [Laughs.]
- Yes, she is.
How about Gravity? How was that? I wanted to make some script changes.
I wanted there to be a dance scene.
[Laughs.]
- You're so handsome.
- Could you say that louder? I don't know if all the crew heard.
[Laughter.]
I think Howie's mentoring helped, and I'll tell you what, people are saying Lachlan's good-looking? Well, look at this.
This looks good.
I didn't realize I was George Clooney until the end.
- That's part of the improv.
- Okay.
You don't know what happening, they don't know what happening.
You're all warmed up and ready to go.
Sounds good to me.
- Howie.
- Yes? Any parting things you can give these comics? Each of you has a shot at winning, so just take that ride and go for it.
I wish you all the best of luck.
Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- [Applause.]
- Howie, be good, Baby, - all right? - Bye, everybody.
- Take care.
- Take it easy.
All right, everybody, let's do this.
Yeah, yeah.
Now it's time for the "Tram it all in" challenge to officially begin.
You'll each take turns leading the same tram audience, and they will pick the winner.
Let's get this show on the road.
- Go have a good time.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
All right.
Yeah, we gonna have a good time today.
I am Rod Man, so if y'all have any any questions, feel free to ask.
_ Yes, ma'am, Mr.
the man, you just call me that.
- That'd be beautiful.
- [Laughter.]
All right, so on the count of three, we gonna say, "Part the water.
" One, two, three.
All: Part the water! We got insurance for this, uh, Christine? - We got insurance for this.
- [Laughter.]
Okay, we got to make sure we got insurance for this.
We walking on water.
This is like Jesus.
This is like Jesus right here, we are walking Well, we riding on water, but it's about the same thing.
All right, so we're rolling around, people.
This is a big plane.
I think it's a 747.
That's back in the old days when you could smoke on the planes.
I think somebody lit a cigarette, plane just split in half.
I don't know how it happened just off a cigarette, but that's why smoking on the plane is no longer allowed, 'cause this is what happens if you smoke on a plane, so And this neighborhood right here is where all the Wayans brothers was raised.
All the Wayans brothers was raised right here.
Keenen, Damon, all them was raised right in that trailer park.
That's just a fun fact.
That's a fun fact.
This is stage 50, people.
This is the set This is a subway set, so they're actually shooting a movie here right now.
- [People screaming.]
- You feel that? Feel that? That's tremors.
That's tremors.
That's called "tremors.
" That ain't even a real earthquake yet.
- Now, if you look hey! - [People screaming.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, put your seatbelt Hey, hey, hey - [People screaming.]
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Do not be alarmed.
Do not be alarmed! Watch out for the truck! Watch out for the truck oh! - Fire! - [People screaming.]
It's a flood! It's a flood, people! - [People screaming.]
- Oh, Lord.
Oh, Lord.
That was a the great flood in a subway after a earthquake.
I don't even know how that happened in one time.
- [Laughter.]
- Now, this cul-de-sac right here is where my grandmama used to sell marijuana at.
[Laughter.]
Just on Saturday night, though.
Just on Saturday night.
Yeah, okay, so What are we stopping for, Christine? What are we stopping for? We ran out of gas? What's going on? What's going on? We need a new carburetor? What's happening? - What's going on? - [Laughter.]
Narrator: Coming up, prepare to be Tramatized! Narrator: As the comics take on movies and monsters.
It's headed for us! Oh, my God! [People screaming.]
[Laughter.]
What are we stopping for, Christine? What are we stopping for? We ran out of gas? What's going on? What's going on? - [Christine murmuring.]
- Okay.
We're going around the corner.
We're peeping around the corner.
It's a red light.
Now, if you've ever seen the great Alfred Hitchcock, this is the movie, Psycho.
If you look real closely, you gonna see crazy Alfred.
He gon' be out in a minute.
Hey, Albert! Albert! That ain't Albert! Yeah, that's Norman.
Norman! Norman.
Oh, that's Norman.
That's Norman! - Oh, Lord.
- [Laughter.]
- I think he on that stuff again.
- [Laughter.]
Yeah, I think he on that stuff again, yeah.
- Oh, what is Norman doing? - [People screaming.]
Oh, I'm gonna call the police about that.
That is not right right there.
They say, "you see something, say something," and I just seen something.
Now, anytime somebody do the slow back walk - [Laughter.]
- Uh, what is he doing? Christine, keep that keep your foot on the gas, now, 'cause this this is not looking good.
- [People screaming.]
- Oh, no.
No! Hey, go, go! - Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! - [People screaming.]
Hey, man.
Howie's advice worked.
He told me, "just improv it," and I was Rod Man, and the people said, "I like Rod Man.
" I'ma pray for you.
I'ma pray for you.
[Cheers and applause.]
All right.
This this is where I get into the bus.
In my one-on-one with Howie, he told me, "when you're doing improvisation, improvise," and that sounds silly, but a lot of people tried to go in with prepared stuff.
Not this sailor.
I-I try I try to shoot from the hip.
All right, hello, everyone, and welcome to the tour.
How are you today? Give you a big round of applause.
Thank you for coming out! [Cheers and applause.]
A little bit about the tour.
We're at Universal Studios.
Obviously, we were built on the site - of a former children's hospital.
- [Laughter.]
It was destroyed in the 1906 earthquake, in the massive fire that followed.
There were no survivors.
- Let's all have some fun today.
- [Laughter.]
Moving right along here, Gang.
Seem to be going a little fast.
That's not that's not I'm not telling you how to do your job.
- I'm not - [Laughter.]
Seems like we're going kind of fast.
Tell you what, I like that blue shirt, Sir.
- Thank you.
- Is this your wife? - Yes.
- How long you been married? - 10 years.
- 10 years, not too shabby.
Uh, 20.
20 years.
- [Laughter.]
- Okay, that's very shabby.
That is the shabbiest thing I've ever heard.
I asked you how long you were married, - you were off by 50%.
- [Laughter.]
I tried to do some regular crowd work, and people seemed to think that was funny.
Vote for me, America.
For everybody, my name is Nikki Carr.
- [Cheers and applause.]
- I am the last female standing so far in this competition.
- [Cheers and applause.]
- Yes! - All: Nikki! Nikki! - Yes, yes.
- Yeah! - All: Nikki! Nikki! Nikki! - Yeah.
- All: Nikki! Nikki! Nikki! - Oh, now, it's a party bus.
- [Laughs.]
- All: Nikki! Nikki! - [Laughs.]
All right, now I'm feeling at home, Baby.
- Police, abandoned cars.
- [Laughter.]
$60,000 to purchase this plane, $200,000 to bring it here.
- They should've called me.
- [Laughter.]
I know seven brothers that would have got this over here - for $45 each.
- [Laughter.]
Ladies and Gentlemen, if you will look to your left, you will see the small city of Amity.
- No, that's the left.
- That's the other left.
- This is my left.
- [Laughter.]
This is Amity.
They've been under a lot of terror 'cause jaws has been terrorizing, but they caught jaws, so we have nothing to worry about.
- Oh.
- And oh, my God.
Is that is that him? Oh, my God, get out of the water! [Indistinct screaming.]
Oh, my God! Hey, get out of the water! [Indistinct screaming.]
Somebody record that and send me the video.
- Get out of the water! - [Laughter.]
This is a Hollywood fact: Jaws was actually accused of racism 'cause he never bit any black people.
- [Laughter.]
- These are jokes, people.
These are jokes! Okay.
[Laughter.]
Oh, here we are Oh, this is the This is "Part the waters.
" Part of the thing, that's what it says right here.
And we're gonna go through this, folks.
We're actually gonna go below sea level, right, Christine? Coincidentally, that was my grade average in school.
[Laughter.]
Folks, this is the set of jaws here.
[People screaming.]
It looks like a fake shark, but they used real plastic building that thing, imported from overseas.
Folks, if you look over that way, there's a hill, and right on the other side of that hill - is another hill.
- [Laughter.]
This is where Charlie Sheen has a lot of late-night parties.
- He looks mad.
- [People screaming.]
I'd be mad too if I had that haircut and jacket.
Did he put somebody in the trunk? I think he did.
I didn't know he was Italian.
[Laughter.]
- Give me a "whoo!" - All: Whoo! We're gonna have fun.
You say "duck," I say "dinner.
" - That's what we're having.
- [Laughter.]
This is a earthquake, people.
Or, like, what I like to call this, my grandmother coming down the steps.
[Laughter.]
Oh, this bus is really twerking right now.
This is the twerk bus.
Twerk, twerk, twerk.
Twerk, twerk, twerk.
Twerk, twerk.
- Round of applause - [cheers and applause.]
For the twerk machine.
We're not calling that "the earthquake.
" We're calling that "the Miley Cyrus.
" [Laughter.]
First of all, before we begin, sorry, no standing ovations during my performance.
[Laughter.]
Howie did tell me to use my instinct, and after being in that head-to-head last time, it's really important to me to win this immunity, for sure.
A lot of movies were filmed here.
Passion of the Christ 2.
I don't know if you guys saw it.
Even more passion.
That was the name of it.
[Laughter.]
Incidentally, ladies, this is what happens when you put G-tips in the toilet, okay, so They're filming the new Kangaroo Jack here, Kangaroo Jack 2: Jack in business.
[Laughter.]
What is he doing? Who besides me looks out the window like that? - [Laughter.]
- Nobody, right? I don't know if you ever watched the Planet Earth series, but this actually was the backdrop for the Serengeti.
For lions, they actually just they just fattened up golden retrievers and had them run ar [Laughter.]
This was the set of Taken 3: Why do they keep taking me? - Have you guys - [Laughter.]
You guys, also, if you don't know, this whole property was originally the set of a production called "Mexico.
" [Laughter.]
You guys, thank you very much.
Thanks, you guys.
- [Cheers and applause.]
- Thank you.
- Did you guys have fun? - Yes! Welcome to the Universal Globe, guys.
Today, you were given a difficult challenge outside your normal stand-up zone.
After facing elimination on the last challenge, I wanted to win this really badly to show them I'm not a target anymore.
We tallied the tram audience scores, and I hold the winner's name in my hand right here.
I hope I'm the winner of this challenge and get immunity, 'cause I need it.
I need it and I want it.
The winning comic for the "Tram it all in" challenge, the comic who will have immunity in the head-to-head vote is - Lachlan Patterson! - Are you kidding me, dude? - [Applause.]
- Congratulations, Lachlan.
I won a head-to-head last week, and then I won this.
- You are safe this week.
- [Laughter.]
Good for you, my man.
Can't touch me.
Not yet.
Sadly, the rest of you are up for possible elimination.
I'll see you in the morning at the work space for the head-to-head vote.
Narrator: Coming up, it's time for a stand-up showdown that we call the greatest showdown Ooh, I do not envy those judges.
Narrator: In Last Comic history Now what do we do? Narrator: Ever.
For the first time ever in Last Comic Standing history - Holy cow.
- [Cheers and applause.]
Now, it's time to vote, Baby.
The person with the most votes must perform tonight's head-to-head performance show.
That person will select their opponent.
The loser will go home.
Lachlan has immunity.
As much as you want to vote for Lachlan, you cannot.
Let's do it.
Nikki Carr.
- Oh! - [Laughs.]
I don't want you to go home, but you have to.
[Laughs.]
'Cause I need to win this, thank you.
[Laughs.]
I guess I have to vote for the person that I think is gonna win.
This week I know I'm funnier than Other take.
No.
- Joe Machi is back.
- He's "backi.
" [Laughter.]
You guys have voted, and I'm ready to reveal the results.
Now, let's see who's up for elimination.
I know I'm funnier than Joe Machi.
The only person who I think is gonna get one vote, I've already voted for, but that's the only person that I feel like I could vote for and the voting makes sense, so I gotta vote for Rocky.
My date for the dance is gonna be Karlous.
I know I'm funnier than Monroe Martin.
- [Whispering.]
- Oh, here's how we do it! Roses are red, tumbleweeds tacky.
I'm gonna say I'm funnier than Joe Machi.
I think I'm funnier Than Rocky Laporte.
One vote, Monroe and Karlous.
Two votes, Joe.
Two votes, Rocky.
So far, I haven't been able to do a head-to-head, and I have mixed emotions about it.
You want to get up there and do your thing, and then, on the other hand, it is Last Comic Standing.
You want to get as close as you can to the number-one slot.
It's the last vote.
I know I'm funnier than Than Joe Machi.
Ooh.
- [Laughs.]
- Joe Machi, you are headed to the head-to-head tonight.
- Yes, Sir.
- You had the most votes - against you.
- Uhhuh.
- Get up here.
- Okeydoke.
Mm.
Keep in mind, Lachlan has immunity.
You can only choose a comic who cast a vote against you, so Joseph Machi, who's it gonna be between Monroe Martin and Nikki Carr? Boy, that is a tough decision.
Kind of have to go to the bathroom too.
- I know, I see it.
- [Laughter.]
I see your legs quivering.
Don't worry about that right now.
All right, Joe.
Who's it gonna be? I'm gonna pick Monroe, because, uh, look, it's the best comedian, so if I lose, I lose.
- All right.
- [Clapping.]
So here we go.
Joe Machi will go against Monroe Martin - [Laughs.]
- In the head-to-head.
When the dust settles tonight, one of you will be eliminated from the competition.
So get ready.
I'll see you guys at the improv.
I feel good about going head-to-head, because I needed to perform.
I'm eager.
I got to be onstage.
I guess it's pretty close to time? - Yeah.
- Hi.
These comics have been through three votes and three challenges, and now the pressure's really on.
My advice is this, and this comes from someone who's been in the business for 30 or more years.
Whoever gets the biggest laughs closest together with a strong finish is gonna win.
- I agree.
- Whoever doesn't make it, don't let this throw you.
You're both wonderful.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
Good luck, both of you.
These guys have blown my mind for their total professionalism, and I can't wait to see who's gonna bring it, Joe or Monroe.
Good luck to you, Monroe.
- [Cheers and applause.]
- What's up? Tonight, two comics will walk out on this stage and perform their hearts out.
The judges will pick the winner, the winner will remain in the competition, the other comic will have to go home.
Let's say hello to the people who make this very tough decision.
Russell Peters.
- [Cheers and applause.]
- Thank you, thank you.
Roseanne.
[Cheers and applause.]
Keenen Ivory Wayans.
[Cheers and applause.]
Please put your hands together for the first comic of the night, my man, Joe Machi! [Cheers and applause.]
[Upbeat music.]
Ch-ch, ch-ch, ch-ch burning, burning, burning, burning Say, everybody, I was reading the health news the other day, and I read this crazy statistic about herpes.
It said 70% of the people that contract herpes get it when their partner has no visible outbreak, which raises the question Why are the other 30% of people having sex with people with visible herpes outbreaks? And if you didn't laugh at that joke, you may have herpes.
S-sorry about that, Sir.
What's your name? _ No one have sex with Ben.
[Laughter.]
I saw this fellow panhandling in a wheelchair the other day, but I could tell he wasn't really handicapped, because he kept moving the wheelchair with his feet.
So I said, "Hey, buddy, you're scamming people.
" He's like, "what's the matter? You want to fight?" And I'm like, "no.
" Because the worst time to start a fight would be when every bystander thinks a miracle just happened.
[Laughter.]
This guy took his first steps.
It was amazing.
Then what happened? This other fellow punched him in the face.
[Laughter.]
Everything is too political and mean.
Like, people keep comparing other people to Hitler.
People compare Obama to Hitler and Bush to Hitler.
Ridiculous.
Hitler was a much better public speaker.
Hitler convinced tens of millions of people blonde-haired people are superior when he had brown hair! - [Laughter and applause.]
- Whoo! Round of applause for Hitler.
- [Cheers and applause.]
- [Upbeat music.]
That's Joe Machi! Russell, Joe Machi, Baby.
Joe, you took control right away, and you didn't tip-toe your way into getting edgy.
You did it right away, which you know, which is On an audience that had nothing happening before you, that's a very ballsy way to go in.
It's a great set.
[Cheers and applause.]
You could see that you were nervous, but your style is so weird, that - [Laughter.]
- It just works great for you.
I thought your jokes were really good, very well constructed.
Very edgy and funny.
Thought you did a good job.
- Thank you, Sir.
- Nice.
[Cheers and applause.]
I am so impressed.
I thought that I was impressed with you last time, which I was, - but wow, balls.
- [Laughter.]
- [Cheers and applause.]
- Two of them.
Roseanne, I appreciate it.
- Joe Machi.
- [Cheers and applause.]
I felt like I gave a good effort.
I felt like I had a strategy of how I was gonna set up the set and how I was gonna close it, and I thought I stuck to it.
I think I did okay.
We're both gonna give 'em a great show.
Make it make it hard for the judges.
Narrator: Coming up, the showdown continues as Monroe Martin gets his turn to impress the judges.
The sad reality is, if black Batman showed up to save you, he would still be the prime suspect.
[Cheers and applause.]
Narrator: And then the judges make a decision, or do they? We loved them both.
How do you pick? Are you ready for the next comedian coming to the stage? Monroe Martin, baby.
Monroe Martin.
[Cheers and applause.]
Monroe! [Cheers and applause.]
I got called a racist not too long ago By a black dude dressed as Batman.
He got angry at me, 'cause I was laughing at him, like I'm supposed to.
He got upset.
He was like, "Yo, man, you're being mad racist.
" I was like, "Am I? 'Cause I'm the only person taking a picture with you right now.
" [Laughter.]
I don't believe in a black Batman.
I don't, I don't believe it, because the sad reality is, if black Batman showed up to save you, he would still be the prime suspect.
[Laughter.]
I got a friend that just told me he was homophobic.
I was highly disappointed, 'cause I don't think homophobia is a real fear, 'cause real fears have movies based on them.
If you're afraid of monsters, horror.
If you're afraid of black people, Tyler Perry movies.
[Laughter.]
Never seen a movie with a group of gay dudes chasing one guy through a mall.
Get back here! This tie matches your eyes.
You need to get in touch with your sensitive side.
You know what the problem is and I finally realized it.
It's not that people have a problem with gay people, it's that people think about the sex too much.
Any time you think about sex you're not involved in, you're always against it.
See two gay dudes having fun, you're like, "ugh, they do it to each other without me.
" [Laughter.]
I just learned this bears have same-gender sex, not for love and affection, but for aggression.
If the Alpha male bear is challenged by another bear in front of female bears, whoever loses gotta get mounted.
Ain't no Barry White playing in the background.
Uh-uhh.
I kind of want to see that happen, just because I'm a comedian and I'm kind of gross.
[Laughter.]
Just one bear standing over top of another bear, "uh-uhh, you know what to do.
Assume the position.
"Hey, hey, Brenda, this who you thought can beat me? Get his cubs, make 'em watch.
" [Laughter and applause.]
Y'all have been awesome.
My name is Monroe Martin.
- [Upbeat music.]
- [Cheers and applause.]
Monroe Martin, y'all.
[Cheers and applause.]
We were all looking at each other during your set because you surprised us all.
You just keep getting better.
You brought it tonight.
You did a great job.
[Cheers and applause.]
Same as Keenen.
We thought you were good, and tonight, you proved that you're great.
I'm blown away.
- Oh.
- [Cheers and applause.]
I'm blown away too.
I can't believe I mean, it's just I mean, I'm like I'm blown away.
It was great stuff, great, great, great.
[Cheers and applause.]
He went up, like, 100 Put your hands together one more time for Monroe Martin.
[Cheers and applause.]
Oh, this is what Last Comic Standing's all about, Baby.
How'd it go? You had fun? Yeah, how'd you you, I heard some big pops.
Oh, dude, I had a lot of fun, man.
- I had the - [claps.]
Had to go in.
Now, the judges must make a tough decision.
Mm.
The winning comic will be safe and will remain in the competition.
The other will be eliminated.
I mean, I don't want to see the other guy go.
_ - Yes, it was.
- _ Yeah.
It was like it was crowd-pleasing and on point.
- Right.
- And huge applause breaks.
But the first guy warmed 'em up for him.
He sure as hell did.
- Yeah.
- He came out cold.
I just thought he was such a bigger personality up there.
He's right, it's too hard.
Monroe and Joe, thus far, have been the two most difficult to judge against each other.
How do you pick? We loved 'em both, and we thought both of 'em did a great job.
We're ready.
- You guys ready? - Okay.
- Yeah, let's do it.
- We go out this way? - Or this way? - You just follow her.
[Cheers and applause.]
Okay, everybody, after deliberating, the judges are deadlocked.
- Deadlocked! - [Crowd ohhs.]
- Whoa! - Whoa, now.
So they decided that they want to see more from each comedian.
[Cheers and applause.]
- Holy cow.
- [Laughs.]
For the first time ever in Last Comic Standing history, we're going to bring both comics back up here, one at a time, and they will each have two minutes to throw down.
- Yeah.
- Mm! [Cheers and applause.]
First up this time, my man, Monroe Martin! [Cheers and applause.]
I was in a restaurant, and I heard a man ask if the chicken was organic.
You know what I'm saying? 'Cause who the hell cares? Like, I don't care if my chicken went to college and liked poetry.
People always say, "Well, you know they put steroids in the chicken.
That's why they're so big.
" Yeah? I want my chicken doing push-ups when they come to kill it.
I want the strongest chicken in the cage.
I want the chicken with teardrops going down the side of his beak.
He got "cage life" written across his stomach.
[Cheers and applause.]
He got "get fried or die trying" in the background.
[Laughter and applause.]
I just lost a little bit of weight.
I had to lose weight for my health because I was afraid I was a diabetic.
That's not a cool disease to have as a comic, because we all know that comics don't die from snacks.
We die from drug overdoses.
My best friend is supposed to find me in a hotel room with a needle sticking out on my arm, not with cookie crumbs on my chest.
[Cheers and applause.]
Y'all been awesome.
My name is Monroe Martin.
Give it up for J.
B.
Smoove.
[Cheers and applause.]
Keep it going for my man, Joe Machi! [Cheers and applause.]
Gang, I've had kind of a rough couple of weeks.
I broke up with my girlfriend recently.
All: Aww! - Okay, that was insincere "Aww".
- [Laughs.]
We got into a discussion over what we would buy each other if we won the lottery.
She's like, "if I won the lottery, I would at least buy you a really nice car," and I'm like, "if I won the lottery, I wouldn't even tell you.
" [Cheers and applause.]
I hate it whenever someone buys me a lottery ticket as a gift.
Friend buys me a lottery ticket.
He's like, "remember, if you win, give me half.
" I'm like, "how 'bout this: If I win the lottery, I will buy you a lottery ticket.
" He's like, "that's a pretty crappy gift.
" I'm like, "I know it's a crappy gift.
I just got it as a gift.
" [Cheers and applause.]
You should never, ever, ever drive drunk, and they always say, "friends don't let friends drive drunk," but they never say, "friends don't let enemies drive drunk.
" Like, I was at this party, and this guy who's always been a real jerk to me was about to drive home drunk.
As I tried to stop him, he shouts, "what do you want, loser?" [Laughter.]
[Cheers and applause.]
I'm like, "I bet you can't make it home in five minutes.
" [Laughter.]
He's dead now.
I texted him the entire way.
- [Upbeat music.]
- Thank you, everyone.
[Cheers and applause.]
Joe Machi! [Cheers and applause.]
Joe heated up the whole apartment.
Well, Monroe brought - a pizza oven.
- See, he you said I brought the pizza oven? - [Laughs.]
- Well, I that's hot.
- I meant it as a compliment.
- He - "He brought the pizza oven.
" - [Laughs.]
Judges, do what you got to do.
- [Laughs.]
- [Bleep.]
Damn it.
Ooh, I do not envy those judges.
Everybody's gonna keep doing two minutes till somebody passes out.
Hey, man.
That didn't work, did it? That didn't work! [Laughter.]
That solved nothing.
I've got nothing to do with this.
Judges, do what you got to do.
- That didn't work, did it? - That didn't work! [Laughter.]
- That solved nothing.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we're we feel the same way.
Now what do we do? Who had the best jeans on? I don't know.
Monroe and Joe are so dramatically different, and both of 'em, in terms of their writing, was on par with each other, shot-for-shot.
We made it hard for 'em, and that's what we came to do.
That's what the [Bleep.]
we said we gonna do, man.
Yup.
I would have said, "okay, is this their last five minutes?" But then - Clearly not.
- Is was just that close.
I can't I don't know.
_ No.
Both of them are really wonderful.
It was so hard.
We got to do something.
_ Let's do it.
Are they ready? [Cheers and applause.]
[Dramatic music.]
All right.
You're not gonna believe this.
Hear me out, hear me out.
The judges want to hear one more joke from each comic.
[Cheers and applause.]
And that's it.
That's it! This is sudden death.
[Cheers and applause.]
Let's hear it for Joe Machi, Baby! [Cheers and applause.]
Oh, I haven't talked about guns yet.
Um, I got into a discussion with my neighbor about gun control.
He said, "I bet if you ask "the Founding Fathers what they thought about gun control, they wouldn't like it.
" And I'm like, "I bet if you ask the Founding Fathers "what they thought about gun control, "they would respond, 'what's this I hear about women voting? [Laughter.]
[Cheers and applause.]
"'And who is that in the White House? [Hooting and laughter.]
Is that one of Thomas Jefferson's kids?'" [Hooting and laughter.]
Thank you, everyone.
[Cheers and applause.]
That was Joe Machi.
Now keep it going for Monroe Martin! [Cheers and applause.]
Whoo! - Back to diabetes.
- [Laughter.]
I don't want diabetes, because if I lose a limb, I want to be a hero behind it.
I want to be like, "I lost my arm in Iraq.
" People would respect me.
I can't be like, "yeah, I lost my foot.
The pop-tarts the pop-tarts took my toes.
" - The war on snacks.
- [Laughter.]
Y'all have been awesome.
Give it up here you go, man.
[Cheers and applause.]
That was Monroe Martin, y'all, okay? [Cheers and applause.]
That was it.
Judges, you have to make a decision.
A decision, please! Mm, mm, mm, mm.
This is where - the worrying starts right here.
- Yes.
Let's put us both into the finals, that's what this sailor says.
Narrator: Coming up, the exciting conclusion of tonight's epic stand-up showdown.
Tonight's winner is [Cheers and applause.]
Okay.
We have a decision in my hand.
[Cheers and applause.]
Tonight's winner of the head-to-head performance show is [Laughter.]
- Joe Machi! - [Cheers and applause.]
It was the most epic and craziest elimination.
- Congratulations, Joe.
- [Cheers and applause.]
I thought we were both worthy competitors, and I'll tell you what, America, we both look good in swimsuits, so wait for our calendar.
You are still in the running to be the Last Comic Standing.
[Cheers and applause.]
Judges, any final words for Monroe Martin here? Sad night for me.
You've been one of my favorites throughout the whole competition.
We've seen you bring the pain, we've seen you bring the personal, we've seen you just bring the funny.
Tonight was a really, really difficult night, and so then, it put us in a situation where we had to keep bringing you back and keep bringing you back, and then, I thought his Thomas Jefferson joke was just - It was a damn good joke.
- Yeah.
It it it just killed it, you know? Man, you did a great job tonight, man.
Give it up for Monroe Martin, Baby! What's next for me? I'm gonna keep doing comedy.
It doesn't stop here.
We are now down to six comics, y'all, six.
[Cheers and applause.]
Next week is our final challenge.
[Cheers and applause.]
Good night! Peace! Narrator: Monroe Martin is not done.
He goes on to the online "Comic come back" competition, where he'll be facing last week's winner.
Go to nbc.
Com to watch his set and vote.
Next week, in our final challenge before the title round You survive this, you get a shot at all the marbles.
Narrator: We turn up the heat, as our comics roast legendary comedian Gilbert Gottfried.
- [Laughter.]
- I looked him up on Wikipedia.
Apparently, he's a comedian.
[Laughter.]
Narrator: And then, after our final showdown, the final five are revealed.
Last member of our final five is gonna be
Hey, I'm not your baby baby daddy.
- I don't know what you gon' do.
- [Laughter.]
Narrator: And Lachlan Patterson survived the head-to-head showdown.
You could feed me nyquil, duct tape a stick to me, and call me "swiffer.
" Narrator: Tonight, improv master, Howie Mandel Who would like to talk to me first? - I'll talk to you first.
- You're gonna talk to me? Get out! Everyone else, out! Narrator: Prepares the comics to expect the unexpected as the challenge round takes us on a wild ride.
It's headed for us! Oh, my God! [People screaming.]
[Laughter.]
Narrator: Then it's one of the funniest and most surprising stand-up showdowns ever.
This is sudden death.
Narrator: Three deadlocked judges Now what do we do? Narrator: Two powerhouse comics You're not gonna believe this.
Narrator: One epic night of comedy.
I'm blown away.
Narrator: As the comics move another step closer to $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
Welcome back to the Last Comic Standing work space at the Jon Lovitz comedy club at Universal Citywalk.
This week, you will face your third challenge, called, "Tram it all in.
" This challenge is all about crowd work and thinking on your feet.
Each of you will take a turn being a tour guide at Universal Studios, Hollywood.
One at a time, you'll guide the tour for an entire run.
After everyone has taken a turn, the tram audience will decide the winner.
And as always, you'll have some help from a special guest mentor.
He was named one of the top and is currently one of the stars of America's got Talent.
Please welcome Howie Mandel, Baby! - [Applause.]
- Howie! - Thank you.
- That's the man right there.
Oh, no, sit down.
How you doing, J.
B.
? I'm doing good, Baby.
Bam, that's how we do, - the fist bump.
- Wow.
Howie Mandel is our mentor today.
I'm so excited.
I can't believe it.
This just keeps getting better and better.
Okay, Howie, any general words of wisdom before we get started? This is so exciting for me, to actually get an opportunity to mentor.
Improvisation, that's what it's about.
When I started in 1979, I didn't have an act, and here it is in 2014, and I-I don't have an act.
- [Laughter.]
- And most of what I do is improvise.
I think that the audience responds when they feel it's real.
Be in the moment, no fear, and just do it, and those are the rules of improvisation.
Okay.
With all that said, - let's get started.
- Yes.
And here is a map of the route.
- Ahh.
- Wow.
The Universal Studios back lots consist of different sets that you've seen in movies.
So our job is to give people a great tour of the back lot.
When I was a kid, I went on that tour There he is.
Watch your camera! And I remember saying, "I could do this way better than this guy.
" So I'd like to deal with you people one-on-one.
Who is gonna go first? Who would like to talk to me first? - I'll talk to you first.
- You're gonna talk to me? Get out! Everyone else, out! You have to make your mark.
So do you have an idea? So it'll be a welcome.
Welcome to the to the bus.
Welcome to the bus.
I think if you get absolutely everything wrong - Uh-huh.
- That'll be memorable.
- [Laughs.]
- And it's gotta be obvious - that it's wrong.
- Okay.
Right.
Like, I might not know the parts of the water.
You don't know the parts of the water.
It's a Jew thing.
My people don't swim.
My people don't swim either, Howie.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
- We have so much in common.
- [Laughs.]
See, I yeah.
Now, when you do your act, what is a big part of your act? - I'm pretty scripted.
- Sometimes, you're gonna have to go off the script, even when you're not in this contest.
- Yeah.
- Sometimes the power goes out in the microphone.
Sometimes something happens in the audience.
Sometimes, you know, you go blank.
Has that ever happened? - Y uh - [Laughs.]
- Go on your instinct.
- Okay.
Whatever comes into your mind, just let it spew out.
That's what improvisation is.
If you don't know where you are and some silly thought comes into your mind, let that silly thought out, and maybe that'll be the basis from which you can just grow from.
I'm gonna take that advice and be funny and commit and just be silly and let it flow.
Do you ever improvise in your act? - Always.
- Always? And I've worked Party Buses before.
- Party Buses? - Yes, from New York to Atlantic City.
You have a leg up on a lot of the guys here, because you have worked a club that is rolling.
- Yes.
- What is the toughest part of improvising on a moving object? - Uh, not falling down.
- [Laughs.]
- What are you worried about? - Nothing.
You shouldn't worry about anything.
I'm not worried.
I don't know all the facts about jaws.
I don't even watch half of theses movies.
[Laughs.]
How do you get in your zone when you're at a club? It's usually drinks and ladies.
- You know, I'm a fan of yours.
- Oh, I appreciate that.
- You like improvising? - I don't like improvising, but it's one of those things that comes up anyway.
I think the best way to prepare for improvisation - is to actually improvise.
- Right, right.
I'll give you a little exercise.
You wait here for a minute.
Just improvise.
- Mm-hmm.
- Prepare.
- Okay.
- Improv.
- [Laughs.]
Ugh.
Do you do a lot of improvising when you do your act in stand-up? - Because you have more material.
- Yeah, yeah.
So you hone your stuff, and you craft it.
- Yeah, I write an act, yeah.
- You write an act.
And every word is important to you.
- Yes.
- But this is not about that.
- This test - Trow that out the window? You're trowin' it out the window.
- [Laughs.]
- Okay.
Can't let yourself get nervous.
- Mm-hmm.
- You just got to have fun, and even have fun if this makes any sense not having fun.
I get that, I get that.
Like, I have fun bombing.
It'd be fun to give them misinformation.
Oh, yeah.
I would probably say the Bates motel is where Tyler Perry is filming - his new movie.
- [Laughs.]
- Tyler Perry, guy who - No, I know who he is.
Is there a place that Tyler Perry - is not making a movie? - [Laughs.]
George Clooney is on the lot, full prosthetics.
He's unrecognizable.
Howie decided to pull a random family of tourists who all thought I was George Clooney.
- Hi, how are you all? - Hi.
They didn't really know what they were getting into.
What's the favorite stuff he's done? With Julia Roberts.
Julia Roberts? I'll tell you what, a lot of people criticize her.
Class act, a beautiful lady.
- [Laughs.]
- Yes, she is.
How about Gravity? How was that? I wanted to make some script changes.
I wanted there to be a dance scene.
[Laughs.]
- You're so handsome.
- Could you say that louder? I don't know if all the crew heard.
[Laughter.]
I think Howie's mentoring helped, and I'll tell you what, people are saying Lachlan's good-looking? Well, look at this.
This looks good.
I didn't realize I was George Clooney until the end.
- That's part of the improv.
- Okay.
You don't know what happening, they don't know what happening.
You're all warmed up and ready to go.
Sounds good to me.
- Howie.
- Yes? Any parting things you can give these comics? Each of you has a shot at winning, so just take that ride and go for it.
I wish you all the best of luck.
Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- [Applause.]
- Howie, be good, Baby, - all right? - Bye, everybody.
- Take care.
- Take it easy.
All right, everybody, let's do this.
Yeah, yeah.
Now it's time for the "Tram it all in" challenge to officially begin.
You'll each take turns leading the same tram audience, and they will pick the winner.
Let's get this show on the road.
- Go have a good time.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
All right.
Yeah, we gonna have a good time today.
I am Rod Man, so if y'all have any any questions, feel free to ask.
_ Yes, ma'am, Mr.
the man, you just call me that.
- That'd be beautiful.
- [Laughter.]
All right, so on the count of three, we gonna say, "Part the water.
" One, two, three.
All: Part the water! We got insurance for this, uh, Christine? - We got insurance for this.
- [Laughter.]
Okay, we got to make sure we got insurance for this.
We walking on water.
This is like Jesus.
This is like Jesus right here, we are walking Well, we riding on water, but it's about the same thing.
All right, so we're rolling around, people.
This is a big plane.
I think it's a 747.
That's back in the old days when you could smoke on the planes.
I think somebody lit a cigarette, plane just split in half.
I don't know how it happened just off a cigarette, but that's why smoking on the plane is no longer allowed, 'cause this is what happens if you smoke on a plane, so And this neighborhood right here is where all the Wayans brothers was raised.
All the Wayans brothers was raised right here.
Keenen, Damon, all them was raised right in that trailer park.
That's just a fun fact.
That's a fun fact.
This is stage 50, people.
This is the set This is a subway set, so they're actually shooting a movie here right now.
- [People screaming.]
- You feel that? Feel that? That's tremors.
That's tremors.
That's called "tremors.
" That ain't even a real earthquake yet.
- Now, if you look hey! - [People screaming.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, put your seatbelt Hey, hey, hey - [People screaming.]
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Do not be alarmed.
Do not be alarmed! Watch out for the truck! Watch out for the truck oh! - Fire! - [People screaming.]
It's a flood! It's a flood, people! - [People screaming.]
- Oh, Lord.
Oh, Lord.
That was a the great flood in a subway after a earthquake.
I don't even know how that happened in one time.
- [Laughter.]
- Now, this cul-de-sac right here is where my grandmama used to sell marijuana at.
[Laughter.]
Just on Saturday night, though.
Just on Saturday night.
Yeah, okay, so What are we stopping for, Christine? What are we stopping for? We ran out of gas? What's going on? What's going on? We need a new carburetor? What's happening? - What's going on? - [Laughter.]
Narrator: Coming up, prepare to be Tramatized! Narrator: As the comics take on movies and monsters.
It's headed for us! Oh, my God! [People screaming.]
[Laughter.]
What are we stopping for, Christine? What are we stopping for? We ran out of gas? What's going on? What's going on? - [Christine murmuring.]
- Okay.
We're going around the corner.
We're peeping around the corner.
It's a red light.
Now, if you've ever seen the great Alfred Hitchcock, this is the movie, Psycho.
If you look real closely, you gonna see crazy Alfred.
He gon' be out in a minute.
Hey, Albert! Albert! That ain't Albert! Yeah, that's Norman.
Norman! Norman.
Oh, that's Norman.
That's Norman! - Oh, Lord.
- [Laughter.]
- I think he on that stuff again.
- [Laughter.]
Yeah, I think he on that stuff again, yeah.
- Oh, what is Norman doing? - [People screaming.]
Oh, I'm gonna call the police about that.
That is not right right there.
They say, "you see something, say something," and I just seen something.
Now, anytime somebody do the slow back walk - [Laughter.]
- Uh, what is he doing? Christine, keep that keep your foot on the gas, now, 'cause this this is not looking good.
- [People screaming.]
- Oh, no.
No! Hey, go, go! - Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! - [People screaming.]
Hey, man.
Howie's advice worked.
He told me, "just improv it," and I was Rod Man, and the people said, "I like Rod Man.
" I'ma pray for you.
I'ma pray for you.
[Cheers and applause.]
All right.
This this is where I get into the bus.
In my one-on-one with Howie, he told me, "when you're doing improvisation, improvise," and that sounds silly, but a lot of people tried to go in with prepared stuff.
Not this sailor.
I-I try I try to shoot from the hip.
All right, hello, everyone, and welcome to the tour.
How are you today? Give you a big round of applause.
Thank you for coming out! [Cheers and applause.]
A little bit about the tour.
We're at Universal Studios.
Obviously, we were built on the site - of a former children's hospital.
- [Laughter.]
It was destroyed in the 1906 earthquake, in the massive fire that followed.
There were no survivors.
- Let's all have some fun today.
- [Laughter.]
Moving right along here, Gang.
Seem to be going a little fast.
That's not that's not I'm not telling you how to do your job.
- I'm not - [Laughter.]
Seems like we're going kind of fast.
Tell you what, I like that blue shirt, Sir.
- Thank you.
- Is this your wife? - Yes.
- How long you been married? - 10 years.
- 10 years, not too shabby.
Uh, 20.
20 years.
- [Laughter.]
- Okay, that's very shabby.
That is the shabbiest thing I've ever heard.
I asked you how long you were married, - you were off by 50%.
- [Laughter.]
I tried to do some regular crowd work, and people seemed to think that was funny.
Vote for me, America.
For everybody, my name is Nikki Carr.
- [Cheers and applause.]
- I am the last female standing so far in this competition.
- [Cheers and applause.]
- Yes! - All: Nikki! Nikki! - Yes, yes.
- Yeah! - All: Nikki! Nikki! Nikki! - Yeah.
- All: Nikki! Nikki! Nikki! - Oh, now, it's a party bus.
- [Laughs.]
- All: Nikki! Nikki! - [Laughs.]
All right, now I'm feeling at home, Baby.
- Police, abandoned cars.
- [Laughter.]
$60,000 to purchase this plane, $200,000 to bring it here.
- They should've called me.
- [Laughter.]
I know seven brothers that would have got this over here - for $45 each.
- [Laughter.]
Ladies and Gentlemen, if you will look to your left, you will see the small city of Amity.
- No, that's the left.
- That's the other left.
- This is my left.
- [Laughter.]
This is Amity.
They've been under a lot of terror 'cause jaws has been terrorizing, but they caught jaws, so we have nothing to worry about.
- Oh.
- And oh, my God.
Is that is that him? Oh, my God, get out of the water! [Indistinct screaming.]
Oh, my God! Hey, get out of the water! [Indistinct screaming.]
Somebody record that and send me the video.
- Get out of the water! - [Laughter.]
This is a Hollywood fact: Jaws was actually accused of racism 'cause he never bit any black people.
- [Laughter.]
- These are jokes, people.
These are jokes! Okay.
[Laughter.]
Oh, here we are Oh, this is the This is "Part the waters.
" Part of the thing, that's what it says right here.
And we're gonna go through this, folks.
We're actually gonna go below sea level, right, Christine? Coincidentally, that was my grade average in school.
[Laughter.]
Folks, this is the set of jaws here.
[People screaming.]
It looks like a fake shark, but they used real plastic building that thing, imported from overseas.
Folks, if you look over that way, there's a hill, and right on the other side of that hill - is another hill.
- [Laughter.]
This is where Charlie Sheen has a lot of late-night parties.
- He looks mad.
- [People screaming.]
I'd be mad too if I had that haircut and jacket.
Did he put somebody in the trunk? I think he did.
I didn't know he was Italian.
[Laughter.]
- Give me a "whoo!" - All: Whoo! We're gonna have fun.
You say "duck," I say "dinner.
" - That's what we're having.
- [Laughter.]
This is a earthquake, people.
Or, like, what I like to call this, my grandmother coming down the steps.
[Laughter.]
Oh, this bus is really twerking right now.
This is the twerk bus.
Twerk, twerk, twerk.
Twerk, twerk, twerk.
Twerk, twerk.
- Round of applause - [cheers and applause.]
For the twerk machine.
We're not calling that "the earthquake.
" We're calling that "the Miley Cyrus.
" [Laughter.]
First of all, before we begin, sorry, no standing ovations during my performance.
[Laughter.]
Howie did tell me to use my instinct, and after being in that head-to-head last time, it's really important to me to win this immunity, for sure.
A lot of movies were filmed here.
Passion of the Christ 2.
I don't know if you guys saw it.
Even more passion.
That was the name of it.
[Laughter.]
Incidentally, ladies, this is what happens when you put G-tips in the toilet, okay, so They're filming the new Kangaroo Jack here, Kangaroo Jack 2: Jack in business.
[Laughter.]
What is he doing? Who besides me looks out the window like that? - [Laughter.]
- Nobody, right? I don't know if you ever watched the Planet Earth series, but this actually was the backdrop for the Serengeti.
For lions, they actually just they just fattened up golden retrievers and had them run ar [Laughter.]
This was the set of Taken 3: Why do they keep taking me? - Have you guys - [Laughter.]
You guys, also, if you don't know, this whole property was originally the set of a production called "Mexico.
" [Laughter.]
You guys, thank you very much.
Thanks, you guys.
- [Cheers and applause.]
- Thank you.
- Did you guys have fun? - Yes! Welcome to the Universal Globe, guys.
Today, you were given a difficult challenge outside your normal stand-up zone.
After facing elimination on the last challenge, I wanted to win this really badly to show them I'm not a target anymore.
We tallied the tram audience scores, and I hold the winner's name in my hand right here.
I hope I'm the winner of this challenge and get immunity, 'cause I need it.
I need it and I want it.
The winning comic for the "Tram it all in" challenge, the comic who will have immunity in the head-to-head vote is - Lachlan Patterson! - Are you kidding me, dude? - [Applause.]
- Congratulations, Lachlan.
I won a head-to-head last week, and then I won this.
- You are safe this week.
- [Laughter.]
Good for you, my man.
Can't touch me.
Not yet.
Sadly, the rest of you are up for possible elimination.
I'll see you in the morning at the work space for the head-to-head vote.
Narrator: Coming up, it's time for a stand-up showdown that we call the greatest showdown Ooh, I do not envy those judges.
Narrator: In Last Comic history Now what do we do? Narrator: Ever.
For the first time ever in Last Comic Standing history - Holy cow.
- [Cheers and applause.]
Now, it's time to vote, Baby.
The person with the most votes must perform tonight's head-to-head performance show.
That person will select their opponent.
The loser will go home.
Lachlan has immunity.
As much as you want to vote for Lachlan, you cannot.
Let's do it.
Nikki Carr.
- Oh! - [Laughs.]
I don't want you to go home, but you have to.
[Laughs.]
'Cause I need to win this, thank you.
[Laughs.]
I guess I have to vote for the person that I think is gonna win.
This week I know I'm funnier than Other take.
No.
- Joe Machi is back.
- He's "backi.
" [Laughter.]
You guys have voted, and I'm ready to reveal the results.
Now, let's see who's up for elimination.
I know I'm funnier than Joe Machi.
The only person who I think is gonna get one vote, I've already voted for, but that's the only person that I feel like I could vote for and the voting makes sense, so I gotta vote for Rocky.
My date for the dance is gonna be Karlous.
I know I'm funnier than Monroe Martin.
- [Whispering.]
- Oh, here's how we do it! Roses are red, tumbleweeds tacky.
I'm gonna say I'm funnier than Joe Machi.
I think I'm funnier Than Rocky Laporte.
One vote, Monroe and Karlous.
Two votes, Joe.
Two votes, Rocky.
So far, I haven't been able to do a head-to-head, and I have mixed emotions about it.
You want to get up there and do your thing, and then, on the other hand, it is Last Comic Standing.
You want to get as close as you can to the number-one slot.
It's the last vote.
I know I'm funnier than Than Joe Machi.
Ooh.
- [Laughs.]
- Joe Machi, you are headed to the head-to-head tonight.
- Yes, Sir.
- You had the most votes - against you.
- Uhhuh.
- Get up here.
- Okeydoke.
Mm.
Keep in mind, Lachlan has immunity.
You can only choose a comic who cast a vote against you, so Joseph Machi, who's it gonna be between Monroe Martin and Nikki Carr? Boy, that is a tough decision.
Kind of have to go to the bathroom too.
- I know, I see it.
- [Laughter.]
I see your legs quivering.
Don't worry about that right now.
All right, Joe.
Who's it gonna be? I'm gonna pick Monroe, because, uh, look, it's the best comedian, so if I lose, I lose.
- All right.
- [Clapping.]
So here we go.
Joe Machi will go against Monroe Martin - [Laughs.]
- In the head-to-head.
When the dust settles tonight, one of you will be eliminated from the competition.
So get ready.
I'll see you guys at the improv.
I feel good about going head-to-head, because I needed to perform.
I'm eager.
I got to be onstage.
I guess it's pretty close to time? - Yeah.
- Hi.
These comics have been through three votes and three challenges, and now the pressure's really on.
My advice is this, and this comes from someone who's been in the business for 30 or more years.
Whoever gets the biggest laughs closest together with a strong finish is gonna win.
- I agree.
- Whoever doesn't make it, don't let this throw you.
You're both wonderful.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
Good luck, both of you.
These guys have blown my mind for their total professionalism, and I can't wait to see who's gonna bring it, Joe or Monroe.
Good luck to you, Monroe.
- [Cheers and applause.]
- What's up? Tonight, two comics will walk out on this stage and perform their hearts out.
The judges will pick the winner, the winner will remain in the competition, the other comic will have to go home.
Let's say hello to the people who make this very tough decision.
Russell Peters.
- [Cheers and applause.]
- Thank you, thank you.
Roseanne.
[Cheers and applause.]
Keenen Ivory Wayans.
[Cheers and applause.]
Please put your hands together for the first comic of the night, my man, Joe Machi! [Cheers and applause.]
[Upbeat music.]
Ch-ch, ch-ch, ch-ch burning, burning, burning, burning Say, everybody, I was reading the health news the other day, and I read this crazy statistic about herpes.
It said 70% of the people that contract herpes get it when their partner has no visible outbreak, which raises the question Why are the other 30% of people having sex with people with visible herpes outbreaks? And if you didn't laugh at that joke, you may have herpes.
S-sorry about that, Sir.
What's your name? _ No one have sex with Ben.
[Laughter.]
I saw this fellow panhandling in a wheelchair the other day, but I could tell he wasn't really handicapped, because he kept moving the wheelchair with his feet.
So I said, "Hey, buddy, you're scamming people.
" He's like, "what's the matter? You want to fight?" And I'm like, "no.
" Because the worst time to start a fight would be when every bystander thinks a miracle just happened.
[Laughter.]
This guy took his first steps.
It was amazing.
Then what happened? This other fellow punched him in the face.
[Laughter.]
Everything is too political and mean.
Like, people keep comparing other people to Hitler.
People compare Obama to Hitler and Bush to Hitler.
Ridiculous.
Hitler was a much better public speaker.
Hitler convinced tens of millions of people blonde-haired people are superior when he had brown hair! - [Laughter and applause.]
- Whoo! Round of applause for Hitler.
- [Cheers and applause.]
- [Upbeat music.]
That's Joe Machi! Russell, Joe Machi, Baby.
Joe, you took control right away, and you didn't tip-toe your way into getting edgy.
You did it right away, which you know, which is On an audience that had nothing happening before you, that's a very ballsy way to go in.
It's a great set.
[Cheers and applause.]
You could see that you were nervous, but your style is so weird, that - [Laughter.]
- It just works great for you.
I thought your jokes were really good, very well constructed.
Very edgy and funny.
Thought you did a good job.
- Thank you, Sir.
- Nice.
[Cheers and applause.]
I am so impressed.
I thought that I was impressed with you last time, which I was, - but wow, balls.
- [Laughter.]
- [Cheers and applause.]
- Two of them.
Roseanne, I appreciate it.
- Joe Machi.
- [Cheers and applause.]
I felt like I gave a good effort.
I felt like I had a strategy of how I was gonna set up the set and how I was gonna close it, and I thought I stuck to it.
I think I did okay.
We're both gonna give 'em a great show.
Make it make it hard for the judges.
Narrator: Coming up, the showdown continues as Monroe Martin gets his turn to impress the judges.
The sad reality is, if black Batman showed up to save you, he would still be the prime suspect.
[Cheers and applause.]
Narrator: And then the judges make a decision, or do they? We loved them both.
How do you pick? Are you ready for the next comedian coming to the stage? Monroe Martin, baby.
Monroe Martin.
[Cheers and applause.]
Monroe! [Cheers and applause.]
I got called a racist not too long ago By a black dude dressed as Batman.
He got angry at me, 'cause I was laughing at him, like I'm supposed to.
He got upset.
He was like, "Yo, man, you're being mad racist.
" I was like, "Am I? 'Cause I'm the only person taking a picture with you right now.
" [Laughter.]
I don't believe in a black Batman.
I don't, I don't believe it, because the sad reality is, if black Batman showed up to save you, he would still be the prime suspect.
[Laughter.]
I got a friend that just told me he was homophobic.
I was highly disappointed, 'cause I don't think homophobia is a real fear, 'cause real fears have movies based on them.
If you're afraid of monsters, horror.
If you're afraid of black people, Tyler Perry movies.
[Laughter.]
Never seen a movie with a group of gay dudes chasing one guy through a mall.
Get back here! This tie matches your eyes.
You need to get in touch with your sensitive side.
You know what the problem is and I finally realized it.
It's not that people have a problem with gay people, it's that people think about the sex too much.
Any time you think about sex you're not involved in, you're always against it.
See two gay dudes having fun, you're like, "ugh, they do it to each other without me.
" [Laughter.]
I just learned this bears have same-gender sex, not for love and affection, but for aggression.
If the Alpha male bear is challenged by another bear in front of female bears, whoever loses gotta get mounted.
Ain't no Barry White playing in the background.
Uh-uhh.
I kind of want to see that happen, just because I'm a comedian and I'm kind of gross.
[Laughter.]
Just one bear standing over top of another bear, "uh-uhh, you know what to do.
Assume the position.
"Hey, hey, Brenda, this who you thought can beat me? Get his cubs, make 'em watch.
" [Laughter and applause.]
Y'all have been awesome.
My name is Monroe Martin.
- [Upbeat music.]
- [Cheers and applause.]
Monroe Martin, y'all.
[Cheers and applause.]
We were all looking at each other during your set because you surprised us all.
You just keep getting better.
You brought it tonight.
You did a great job.
[Cheers and applause.]
Same as Keenen.
We thought you were good, and tonight, you proved that you're great.
I'm blown away.
- Oh.
- [Cheers and applause.]
I'm blown away too.
I can't believe I mean, it's just I mean, I'm like I'm blown away.
It was great stuff, great, great, great.
[Cheers and applause.]
He went up, like, 100 Put your hands together one more time for Monroe Martin.
[Cheers and applause.]
Oh, this is what Last Comic Standing's all about, Baby.
How'd it go? You had fun? Yeah, how'd you you, I heard some big pops.
Oh, dude, I had a lot of fun, man.
- I had the - [claps.]
Had to go in.
Now, the judges must make a tough decision.
Mm.
The winning comic will be safe and will remain in the competition.
The other will be eliminated.
I mean, I don't want to see the other guy go.
_ - Yes, it was.
- _ Yeah.
It was like it was crowd-pleasing and on point.
- Right.
- And huge applause breaks.
But the first guy warmed 'em up for him.
He sure as hell did.
- Yeah.
- He came out cold.
I just thought he was such a bigger personality up there.
He's right, it's too hard.
Monroe and Joe, thus far, have been the two most difficult to judge against each other.
How do you pick? We loved 'em both, and we thought both of 'em did a great job.
We're ready.
- You guys ready? - Okay.
- Yeah, let's do it.
- We go out this way? - Or this way? - You just follow her.
[Cheers and applause.]
Okay, everybody, after deliberating, the judges are deadlocked.
- Deadlocked! - [Crowd ohhs.]
- Whoa! - Whoa, now.
So they decided that they want to see more from each comedian.
[Cheers and applause.]
- Holy cow.
- [Laughs.]
For the first time ever in Last Comic Standing history, we're going to bring both comics back up here, one at a time, and they will each have two minutes to throw down.
- Yeah.
- Mm! [Cheers and applause.]
First up this time, my man, Monroe Martin! [Cheers and applause.]
I was in a restaurant, and I heard a man ask if the chicken was organic.
You know what I'm saying? 'Cause who the hell cares? Like, I don't care if my chicken went to college and liked poetry.
People always say, "Well, you know they put steroids in the chicken.
That's why they're so big.
" Yeah? I want my chicken doing push-ups when they come to kill it.
I want the strongest chicken in the cage.
I want the chicken with teardrops going down the side of his beak.
He got "cage life" written across his stomach.
[Cheers and applause.]
He got "get fried or die trying" in the background.
[Laughter and applause.]
I just lost a little bit of weight.
I had to lose weight for my health because I was afraid I was a diabetic.
That's not a cool disease to have as a comic, because we all know that comics don't die from snacks.
We die from drug overdoses.
My best friend is supposed to find me in a hotel room with a needle sticking out on my arm, not with cookie crumbs on my chest.
[Cheers and applause.]
Y'all been awesome.
My name is Monroe Martin.
Give it up for J.
B.
Smoove.
[Cheers and applause.]
Keep it going for my man, Joe Machi! [Cheers and applause.]
Gang, I've had kind of a rough couple of weeks.
I broke up with my girlfriend recently.
All: Aww! - Okay, that was insincere "Aww".
- [Laughs.]
We got into a discussion over what we would buy each other if we won the lottery.
She's like, "if I won the lottery, I would at least buy you a really nice car," and I'm like, "if I won the lottery, I wouldn't even tell you.
" [Cheers and applause.]
I hate it whenever someone buys me a lottery ticket as a gift.
Friend buys me a lottery ticket.
He's like, "remember, if you win, give me half.
" I'm like, "how 'bout this: If I win the lottery, I will buy you a lottery ticket.
" He's like, "that's a pretty crappy gift.
" I'm like, "I know it's a crappy gift.
I just got it as a gift.
" [Cheers and applause.]
You should never, ever, ever drive drunk, and they always say, "friends don't let friends drive drunk," but they never say, "friends don't let enemies drive drunk.
" Like, I was at this party, and this guy who's always been a real jerk to me was about to drive home drunk.
As I tried to stop him, he shouts, "what do you want, loser?" [Laughter.]
[Cheers and applause.]
I'm like, "I bet you can't make it home in five minutes.
" [Laughter.]
He's dead now.
I texted him the entire way.
- [Upbeat music.]
- Thank you, everyone.
[Cheers and applause.]
Joe Machi! [Cheers and applause.]
Joe heated up the whole apartment.
Well, Monroe brought - a pizza oven.
- See, he you said I brought the pizza oven? - [Laughs.]
- Well, I that's hot.
- I meant it as a compliment.
- He - "He brought the pizza oven.
" - [Laughs.]
Judges, do what you got to do.
- [Laughs.]
- [Bleep.]
Damn it.
Ooh, I do not envy those judges.
Everybody's gonna keep doing two minutes till somebody passes out.
Hey, man.
That didn't work, did it? That didn't work! [Laughter.]
That solved nothing.
I've got nothing to do with this.
Judges, do what you got to do.
- That didn't work, did it? - That didn't work! [Laughter.]
- That solved nothing.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we're we feel the same way.
Now what do we do? Who had the best jeans on? I don't know.
Monroe and Joe are so dramatically different, and both of 'em, in terms of their writing, was on par with each other, shot-for-shot.
We made it hard for 'em, and that's what we came to do.
That's what the [Bleep.]
we said we gonna do, man.
Yup.
I would have said, "okay, is this their last five minutes?" But then - Clearly not.
- Is was just that close.
I can't I don't know.
_ No.
Both of them are really wonderful.
It was so hard.
We got to do something.
_ Let's do it.
Are they ready? [Cheers and applause.]
[Dramatic music.]
All right.
You're not gonna believe this.
Hear me out, hear me out.
The judges want to hear one more joke from each comic.
[Cheers and applause.]
And that's it.
That's it! This is sudden death.
[Cheers and applause.]
Let's hear it for Joe Machi, Baby! [Cheers and applause.]
Oh, I haven't talked about guns yet.
Um, I got into a discussion with my neighbor about gun control.
He said, "I bet if you ask "the Founding Fathers what they thought about gun control, they wouldn't like it.
" And I'm like, "I bet if you ask the Founding Fathers "what they thought about gun control, "they would respond, 'what's this I hear about women voting? [Laughter.]
[Cheers and applause.]
"'And who is that in the White House? [Hooting and laughter.]
Is that one of Thomas Jefferson's kids?'" [Hooting and laughter.]
Thank you, everyone.
[Cheers and applause.]
That was Joe Machi.
Now keep it going for Monroe Martin! [Cheers and applause.]
Whoo! - Back to diabetes.
- [Laughter.]
I don't want diabetes, because if I lose a limb, I want to be a hero behind it.
I want to be like, "I lost my arm in Iraq.
" People would respect me.
I can't be like, "yeah, I lost my foot.
The pop-tarts the pop-tarts took my toes.
" - The war on snacks.
- [Laughter.]
Y'all have been awesome.
Give it up here you go, man.
[Cheers and applause.]
That was Monroe Martin, y'all, okay? [Cheers and applause.]
That was it.
Judges, you have to make a decision.
A decision, please! Mm, mm, mm, mm.
This is where - the worrying starts right here.
- Yes.
Let's put us both into the finals, that's what this sailor says.
Narrator: Coming up, the exciting conclusion of tonight's epic stand-up showdown.
Tonight's winner is [Cheers and applause.]
Okay.
We have a decision in my hand.
[Cheers and applause.]
Tonight's winner of the head-to-head performance show is [Laughter.]
- Joe Machi! - [Cheers and applause.]
It was the most epic and craziest elimination.
- Congratulations, Joe.
- [Cheers and applause.]
I thought we were both worthy competitors, and I'll tell you what, America, we both look good in swimsuits, so wait for our calendar.
You are still in the running to be the Last Comic Standing.
[Cheers and applause.]
Judges, any final words for Monroe Martin here? Sad night for me.
You've been one of my favorites throughout the whole competition.
We've seen you bring the pain, we've seen you bring the personal, we've seen you just bring the funny.
Tonight was a really, really difficult night, and so then, it put us in a situation where we had to keep bringing you back and keep bringing you back, and then, I thought his Thomas Jefferson joke was just - It was a damn good joke.
- Yeah.
It it it just killed it, you know? Man, you did a great job tonight, man.
Give it up for Monroe Martin, Baby! What's next for me? I'm gonna keep doing comedy.
It doesn't stop here.
We are now down to six comics, y'all, six.
[Cheers and applause.]
Next week is our final challenge.
[Cheers and applause.]
Good night! Peace! Narrator: Monroe Martin is not done.
He goes on to the online "Comic come back" competition, where he'll be facing last week's winner.
Go to nbc.
Com to watch his set and vote.
Next week, in our final challenge before the title round You survive this, you get a shot at all the marbles.
Narrator: We turn up the heat, as our comics roast legendary comedian Gilbert Gottfried.
- [Laughter.]
- I looked him up on Wikipedia.
Apparently, he's a comedian.
[Laughter.]
Narrator: And then, after our final showdown, the final five are revealed.
Last member of our final five is gonna be