Last Man Standing s02e01 Episode Script


So lame.
All anyone's talking about is this election.
It's ruining Twitter.
Mandy, you should be excited.
This will be your first time voting.
I believe I speak for all of America when I say, let her sit this one out.
So, I assume you're gonna be voting for the president? Um, everyone's voting for the president, right? And a bunch of laws and stuff.
I mean, are you voting for Obama? Oh.
I don't know, kris.
Mom, who are you voting for? I am not telling.
That has been my policy since bush/dukakis.
What's a dukakis? A small Greek man from Massachusetts who climbed into a tank one day and disappeared forever.
Hey, your father was not a fan.
You know, I actually agree with dad on this one.
No governor from Massachusetts should ever become president.
Hey, hey, hey! The secret ballot is a cornerstone of our democracy, and having a few secrets from your father is the cornerstone of our marriage.
So let's keep the peace by keeping this zipped Oh And this, too.
Come on.
You know how much dad loves a good argument.
Yeah, and so do I, unless it lasts for three hours and focuses mainly on the federal reserve.
Whew! Boy, some big dog dumped something on our lawn.
Whew! You mean somebody put a sign with the name of our president on the lawn? Who could that have been? I can't believe this.
You don't mow the lawn, and now she's actively defacing it.
We're having a nice tri-tip tonight.
What Everybody like that? Yeah, that's good.
Oh! Mm, yeah.
Okay, there are, like, a million romney signs out there.
I thought you were the one that likes things, you know, fair and balanced.
You wanna start this up Goes great with chimichurri.
I love chimichurri sauce.
That'll be good on there.
I thought you voted republican last time.
Oh, yeah, I know you You thought that.
I just I just couldn't bring myself to vote for a woman who likes to shoot wolves from a helicopter.
So you vote for a-a guy from Kenya instead? You've got it mixed up, okay? Obama was not born overseas.
Overseas is where romney likes to hide his money.
Ohh Oh, my God, this is so boring! Wait, wait.
We haven't even gotten to the federal reserve yet.
Oh, don't get me started on this.
You know, Aaron burr shot Alexander Hamilton ten years too late in my book.
Mommy! Whoa! There's my little man.
Mmm! How was your night at your dad's? Daddy's bed comes right out of the couch! Well, great.
Seamless transition from sitting around doing nothing to laying around doing nothing.
I've been working hard ever since I got back to Denver.
I've been at the ice factory six months now.
You work at an ice factory.
You know who could do your job better? January.
Hey, cool Obama sign, Mike.
Glad to see you're coming around.
I'm not coming around.
I yanked that out of my yard so I could throw it out, make room for my romney signs.
Oh, yeah, I saw those out there, just flopping around whichever way the wind blows.
You know, romney is a doer.
It's easy to be consistent like Obama when all you've ever done is "organize communities.
" He did a great job with that South side of Chicago, boy, didn't he? It runs like a watch down there.
You can't wear one, you know? Honey, back me up on this.
Yeah, these tough economic times call for a good businessman.
There you, go.
Thanks, honey.
Of course, it's the businessmen who got us into these tough economic times.
Where does she stand? Nobody knows! Hmm.
Sounds just like your candidate, dad.
Yeah, like your candidate, she thinks it's good to feed freeloaders.
That sounded like a dinner invitation to me.
Fantasy football time? Yeah.
Today's the trading deadline.
People are making moves like crazy.
Grown men playing fairy tale football.
We got a fantasy team of employees, and none of you are on it! Close up the computers! You've gotta go to work.
Close 'em up! Right.
Yeah I can't believe how much they're into that fantasy football.
Shh! So wait a minute.
You found out my quarterback is injured, and you called just to gloat.
Is that it? Yeah, well, I plan on winning this thing, and I will not lose again to a cold, black-hearted shark like you! Your daughter Eve says hello.
That was Eve on the phone? She's won three years in a row.
I have a plan to bring down that she-devil.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm sorry.
I know.
I'm sorry.
How come you're not this passionate about the election? I don't vote anymore.
They just break my heart.
Like Nixon! The man was a giant, and he quit without even putting up a fight.
So So you're good with four more years of big government bailouts? And a first lady who doesn't believe in sleeves? Well, with guns like that, who can blame her? Yeah.
Mitt needs your help.
Can one of the other guys help him? Mr.
Alzate texted he wanted to see me.
All right, all right.
Ah, thanks for coming.
So, once again, the football gods have been unkind to you, huh? I know.
I've had a rough year.
My strategy of not drafting anyone with a criminal record seems to have backfired.
Well, you have to figure that stuff out.
Well, I have a shot at winning this year, all right? I want you to trade me your quarterback.
I want Aaron Rodgers.
I don't know.
It wouldn't be fair to the rest of the league if I gave you Rodgers.
And besides, he's the heart and soul of my locker room, and he works with underprivileged kids Ah.
In my fantasy community.
I live alone.
That's all right.
I understand.
You keep Rodgers.
Go ahead.
And, Kyle, could you sweep the parking lot today? All right.
Uh, but is this is just a cocicidence, or are you punishing me because I wouldnt make this trade? I wouldn't punish you, son.
You have principles, and I respect that.
Now grab a broom and the bear costume.
Ed's pressuring Kyle to trade him Aaron Rodgers.
Excuse me? For his fantasy team.
You work with the guy, and I get no intel on this? What's the point of sending you to that office every day? There's things going on in this country that will change the course of human Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold that thought.
Oh, yes! I just got Darren McFadden! Oh, oh, oh, yeah! Yeah! Ed can have Aaron Rodgers now, man! This is huge! Whoo! Did you just mention an Oakland raider in a Denver bronco household? McFadden's not just a raider anymore, dad.
He's a raider.
He he's the new starting tailback on my fantasy team, the three faces of Eve.
Yeah, baby! And all three of those faces are saying, "suck it, ed!" Listen.
The raiders are sworn enemies of the broncos.
It's like the crips and the bloods, both of whom are raiders fans.
Sorry, dad.
But as the great Al Davis said, "just win, baby!" That's another name we don't say in a bronco house! Boyd, hurry up! Your dad's waiting! I have to get that boring toy daddy gave me! You told me I have to play with it so he won't feel bad! Mandy, honey, I found this voter's guide so you can study for the election.
Study? Mom, how hard can it be? Nana votes, and she tried to buy our groceries with buttons.
Mandy, it's a good idea to be informed about the issues before you step into that booth and pull the curtain.
You're gonna love it, Mandy.
It's just like a dressing room.
Except Mandy, honey, look.
Th-this is important.
Don't take your clothes off.
That's always good advice.
Listen, I made you a list of everything you should vote for and everybody you should vote for.
Cool, a cheat sheet! And I don't mind if your friends copy off of that.
You can't just tell her how to vote, dad.
I know.
She won't remember.
That's why I printed it out.
Oh! Sweet! They want to legalize weed? But they still can't get me to try it.
So, wait, why do I like romney again? Well, for starters, he doesn't smoke weed.
Or cigarettes or drink booze.
And if you cut him, some sort of hydraulic fluid leaks out.
But at least he'll be sober enough to reign in the government spending.
Obama respects a woman's right to choose.
Hallelujah! How long can she keep doing this? Nobody knows.
All right.
Let me put this in perspective with the inheritance tax.
Now, one day, I am gonna die, and I'll split things up and give it you guys, right? I call the money and the house! Oh, and I'll miss you, dad.
Anyhow, the democrats will tax that inheritance and probably use that money to throw gay weddings for illegal aliens.
But that's not fair.
We worked really hard for that money.
Yes, we did.
But if the democrats win Mm-hmm? The only thing you'll inherit is a $16 trillion debt.
Wait, you mean the debt that we got from bush cutting taxes on billionaires, and, oh, two unpaid-for wars? Listen.
You know, your mouth opens, but bill Maher's voice comes out.
We need somebody in the white house who's tough so he can make tough decisions.
Wait, wait, wait.
You know who's tough? That guy who killed bin laden.
Oh, yeah, 'cause all your guy tried to kill was the U.
auto industry.
Democrats Mm.
Love spending other people's money.
Like free health care for everybody whoopee! Now lazy people can just go around licking doorknobs.
Mike, just because you don't have health insurance doesn't mean that you're lazy.
Medical care should be a basic right.
Yeah, you were born, you did your job, now it's up to the rest of us to take care of you? You know what? You're a rich guy, man, so maybe romney makes sense for you.
But Obama is looking out for working people.
He's got to look out for 'em, 'cause they're nowhere to be found! Where are the working people? They're all in Mexico getting jobs! He's got Mexicans going back to Mexico! Boyd! Daddy, I love my abacus.
Every time I play with it I learn.
I love you.
Mwah! Have a good night.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Have a great night, Mike.
Hey, Boyd, why don't you use your abacus to teach your dad about the deficit? Those little red beads They're trillions! You know, dad, I really wish you hadn't laid into Ryan like that.
He just lost his job.
Lost his job at an ice factory? What, did somebody leak the secret recipe? And when Ryan lost his job, Boyd lost his health insurance.
You see, Mandy, this is what Obama is trying to fix.
Listen, if there's something goes wrong with Boyd, we'll take care of it.
Families take care of each other.
I don't need the government sticking its fat nose in everything.
Okay, then what about all the other 5-year-olds that don't have nice, generous grandfathers? Wait a minute.
This thing is in Spanish.
I can hear you grinding your teeth over there.
Obama? No.
The "don't worry, be happy" guy? That's McFerrin.
No, McFadden.
He's an Oakland raider.
Eve picked him for her fantasy team, and now I've got a raider in the house and a traitor in the house.
So so you're upset about fantasy football? And Kristin and the election.
Ahh! I knew it! - Don't turn on the light.
- Wait Oh! Sorry.
You know, if I lose Mandy, I've lost all three of my daughters in one week.
You're not losing them.
They're just developing their own ideas.
I know.
What did we do wrong? You should be proud.
They're becoming strong, independent-minded women.
You know, the founding fathers knew it took experience and wisdom to vote.
That's why only landowners could vote.
That's a good idea.
I think that's really smart.
You mean men.
White men.
You say that like it makes you sick.
You know, you married one.
So, are you honestly saying that you think things were better when there was slavery and women couldn't vote? No! Slavery was horrible.
And? Good night, honey.
Hello, Mr.
This chair is mine.
Mike Baxter here for outdoor man.
You know, it seems like, as property taxes go up, respect for the landowner goes down.
We used to listen to guys like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson.
We knew they cared about this country because they owned it.
We didn't call them the founders.
We call them the founding fathers.
Because we respected fathers.
Now nobody listens to fathers.
Except here at outdoor man.
We listen to you fathers.
You bring me your property tax bill and proof of an ungrateful child, and we'll treat you like the president.
Or better yet, how the media treats the president With kid gloves, all puckered up.
I agree with your vlog, Mr.
Those founding fathers were totally awesome dudes.
Well, they don't carve a dude's head in the side of a Mountain unless he's totally awesome, Kyle.
Your vlog makes me wonder if George Washington would have traded Aaron Rodgers just because his boss made him crawl along the warehouse rafters trying to catch pigeons in a bear suit.
You ask the big political questions, Kyle.
You know, I bet you Ben Franklin wouldn't have traded Rodgers, either Even if, you know, after he didn't catch the pigeons, he was forced to clean up their droppings In a bear suit.
As it turns out, Franklin had a high tolerance for the disgusting.
He, uh, spent a lot of time with the French.
I admire you and the founding fathers for standing up to oppression.
It's kind of like this election, Mr.
You know, every four years, we get the chance to make our own choice.
People may try to bribe or bully you, but when you're in that booth, nobody can tell you what to do.
I like that.
I like that, too.
Well those pigeons aren't gonna catch themselves.
Hey, sweetheart.
So how was your first time? What? Oh, you meant voting.
What did you think I meant? Voting.
Um I don't know.
I'm still kind of thinking it over.
I-I went to one of those web sites you recommended.
That's good.
And one Kristin recommended.
That's not good.
Hey! They just called New York for Obama! What a surprise New York, the state that outlawed the big gulp.
Hey, baby, hustle up.
Polling places close in 28 minutes.
No, no, no.
Don't worry about it.
This is a white neighborhood.
They'll keep 'em open a little bit later.
Dad, you know what? It's all right.
I don't really feel like going.
What do you mean, you don't feel like going? Well, you can't not vote.
Okay, it's just, if I if I vote one way, then you'll be mad at me.
If I vote the other way, then Kristin will be mad at me, so Don't worry about it.
Kristin will be just fine.
I-I did some research.
And? I just feel like the president deserves a chance to finish what he started.
Dismantling a roaring free enterprise system? You want him to finish that little job? Actually, dad, the stock market has doubled since Obama came in.
So what? And did you know that under Clinton there was a huge budget surplus? And, oh, by the way, Clinton's mom is Obama's secretary of state.
You're an 18-year-old entering the job market.
You're voting for unemployment.
Is that actually in here? Can I really vote for that? She's voting for equal pay for women.
So you'll both be making zero.
See? I knew you'd be mad at me.
That's why I figured I'd just skip the whole thing.
You happy, dad? No, I'm not happy.
I'm raising three daughters.
Two are democrats.
There's wet bras in every bathroom in this house.
Get your I.
I'll drive you.
Okay, but I just told you I'm gonna vote for the pres Bup-bup I know what you said.
I know who you're voting for.
I don't need to hear it again.
I want you to stand up, sweetheart, to what you believe in.
That's what I want, you know, so Even if it's like punching your mother in the stomach.
Right, honey? Nice try.
Get your coat.
I'll be right back.
So you're actually gonna drive her to go vote for a bleeding-heart liberal? In a vehicle that gets Mandy, let's go! Wait.
Hold on.
You just want to drive her so that you can try and change her mind on the way.
By law, I can campaign up until 100 feet in front of a polling place.
I may have lost you, but I still have a shot with her.
You'll never lose me, dad.
But I'm gonna go with you, and I'm gonna go put on my Obama shirt.
There's no room for you in my truck.
Then I'll ride on the roof, like Romney's dog.
Okay, so maybe he should have put that dog in a little carryall, kinda like the one Obama uses to carry biden around! You okay? Yeah, I'm an awesome dad.
I'm a good you are.
You are.
You know, I'm raising strong, independent-minded women.
You married one, too.
No, I married a lovely midwestern girl.
That strong, independent thing really blindsided me.
Ah! They just called Michigan for Obama.
What are you doing, Boyd? I don't know.
What was your dad thinking? I don't know.
I wanted a kite.
That's a totally inappropriate gift for a kid your age.
Hey, um Do you want to go out in the backyard and blow stuff up with a cherry bomb? Yay! What are we gonna blow up, grandpa? Go get the abacus.

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