Last Man Standing s03e02 Episode Script

Driving Lessons

All right, quick review.
Yellow light means? Floor it.
- Stop sign? - Look both ways for johnny law, then floor it.
Yield sign means? Nothing to a Baxter.
Let's stop right here.
We're gonna go over your parking technique.
The third spot from the end down there is the last parking spot you got, and you're trying to beat a tree hugger in a hybrid.
You got to be careful 'cause you can't hear those things coming.
Just sit tight and suck in the g-forces, old man.
Okay, a couple of things.
I should have worn a diaper today.
And where did you learn how to do that? I've had the world's best driving instructor "Grand Theft Auto.
" A video game.
You know, in my day, if you wanted to joyride, you had to actually steal a car.
Yeah, yeah.
Life was rough back then and so much better.
Can we please get out on the open road? Check the rearview mirror, please.
All right, all clear.
No, there's still something back there.
Really? What? Your childhood.
Now floor it.
"Last Man Standing" was recorded in front of a live studio audience.
I've got it! I've got it! Sit yourself.
No, none of that monkey business.
I got to get you out of here before my dad sees you.
Why? Your dad loves it when I come over.
Because he loves putting you to work cleaning the gutters, pulling weeds, scrubbing the guest bathroom.
In fairness, Kyle does most of the damage in there.
Hey, Kyle.
Is that you? No, Kyle's not here.
Run, run, run.
- Hey, Mr.
- Nice running.
I busted one of the motor mounts in the truck.
It's a two-man job, but we can make do with a man and a half.
Uh, Kyle and I are going to the mall.
You'd rather go to the mall with her? You're not half the half-man I thought you were.
Well, uh, Mandy, honey, if you want some company, I'll go to the mall with you.
I mean, I could use a day of beauty.
A day? Oh, ha ha ha.
Yeah, I'm repulsive, but I'm the best you could do.
No, really, I need to get to the salon.
My eyebrows are like two caterpillars trying to mate.
Come on, honey.
My treat.
Yeah, but Kyle and I have plans.
And they don't involve an engine.
Uh, well, actually, they kind of do.
This guy Barry at the mall lets me conduct the toddler town choo-choo.
He's pretty cool.
I'm not sure he works there, though.
This will just take a second, Mandy.
Come on.
Let's go.
Sorry, Mandy.
My heart wants to stay.
But whatever organ controls fear is telling me to go.
Come on, honey.
You ready to hit the salon? Or I could find a pair of tweezers and go pluck myself.
That looks heavy.
It is heavy.
I want you to slide under the car so if the chain breaks, the motor can land on something soft.
Kyle, I'm kidding.
I'm not gonna drop the engine on you.
What I want you to do is grab the battery posts and see if there's a full charge.
Aah! Lick your fingers.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Kris, I'm so glad you stopped by.
You won't be when you hear what I'm looking for.
Have you seen a Guinea pig? Oh, no, I I thought we might go to the flea market.
Your new apartment needs furniture.
I'll buy you a couch somebody's grandmother died on.
Actually, I just came by to get Boyd's backpack.
If there's not a Guinea pig in here, I am looking down the barrel of a very rough heart-to-heart.
It's not there.
Oh, no snickerdoodle, huh? That thing cost 30 bucks.
Do you think Boyd would notice if the new snickerdoodle were smaller? And a fish? I love you.
Got to go.
So, um Evie, hi.
Uh, how's it how's it how's it going? Well, the Bills are sucking it.
Big surprise.
They haven't made the playoffs in like 10 years.
Ghost of Scott Norwood.
Yeah, well, Scott Norwood.
Damn him.
We we sure hate Scott Norwood, huh? He was the kicker who blew the '91 Super Bowl for the Bills.
He's sort of like the Buffalo version of Bill Buckner.
I mean, who needs a Buffalo version of that guy, huh? You know what, mom? Let's you and me go to the mall, 'cause I am so fed up with Kyle! Oh, great.
I'll get my, uh - Ready to go? - Yes.
Bye, mom! Hi.
Am I so horrible that nobody in my family wants to hang out with me? Put a little liverwurst on your fingers.
The dog will be your best friend.
No, I meant humans.
- Yeah? - Even at work.
Yesterday I was talking to Dr.
Pullman about oxidizing ventilated air methane with a thermal flow reversal reactor Yeah, let me guess how this story ends.
She jumped out her office window.
You know what? I get it.
I get it.
Geology is boring.
You can't pin this on geology.
It's how you talk about your work.
Listen, you were talking about trapped gas, right? That should be hysterical.
Listen, tell you what.
Let me clean up.
I'll get to this later.
You and I will go out and do something together.
Yeah, we'll do whatever you want to do.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
We're not going to a modern-art gallery.
Anything else.
I mean, what, do they lure you in with all that free wine? And you got to decide which is the real toilet.
Yeah, you laugh.
All you had to do was say, "not that one.
" Right.
I hear Vanessa made you sit through a French film.
What was it about? It was about three hours.
A guy in a striped shirt searching for something, smoking a cigarette.
Were the stripes vertical or horizontal? Oh, uh, uh, vertical.
Ah, I haven't seen that one.
I was thinking, why is Vanessa cutting into your "me" time all of a sudden? Well, she usually does girl stuff on the weekends with the older two, but kris has got her own apartment, - Mandy's in college.
- I got it.
All right.
So, you have Vanessa bearing down on you, you lost your two best blockers, you've still got Eve.
Oh, no.
Vanessa and Eve really never clicked, you know? They don't like the same kind of things.
Eve's more like you? You bet she is.
She enjoys doing stuff that's interesting.
Yesterday, she slid the truck into a tight j-turn right into a 180.
Damn! It was like being in a Springsteen song.
Wait a minute.
Now, why well, why don't you hand that off to Vanessa? The driving lessons.
Let them bond over that.
But teaching Eve how to drive is fun.
Put her and Vanessa together doing something Eve enjoys doing.
Otherwise, it'll be "Au revoir, bon temps.
" "Goodbye, good times.
" That should have been the name of that movie.
Kyle, I'm serious.
You've got to start saying no to my dad when he asks you to work around here.
Or just pretend that you're incompetent, okay? That's always worked for me.
Yeah, but you're a natural at it.
Hey, morning.
Kyle, it smells like something died under the house.
Guess who's gonna go look for it.
Come on! And you can keep whatever you find.
Kyle, just say "no.
" Okay.
I'm sorry.
I held out as long as I could.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're gonna need a hammer, right? The dead one probably had friends that are coming to his funeral.
Kyle's mine.
Get your own boyfriend.
Hey, Mandy.
Good morning.
What's her problem? I think she's mad at Kyle.
He's been blowing her off a lot lately.
Well, hey, let's hit the road.
I just watched "Fast & Furious 6" last night, and I'm all geeked up to try some new moves.
Hey, a little change today.
Your mom's gonna take you out for your lesson.
Huh? No phones, check your mirror, and remember the brake is your buddy.
Am I being punished? Punished? Didn't you hear your mother? She's got fun slogans.
Slogans? Honey, come on, we're gonna have a blast.
Let's go.
Come on.
Go on, ow.
See how many smiles per gallon you can get.
Hey, Mike Baxter here with "Protect your nugget" week here at Outdoor Man.
You know, we sell helmets for just about everything Biking, mountain climbing, kayaking.
We'll even sell you a helmet for fishing.
That knocked my hat off! But we don't sell any protection for the single most dangerous thing we do sharing the road with the American teenager The reckless, inept, and accident-prone.
But in all fairness, they are texting.
The problem is, here in the United States, we barely teach kids how to drive.
So the first time they hit trouble, all they know how to do is slam on the brakes and do this.
" When actually, sometimes the safest thing to do is apply a little accelerator and drive through the problem.
Here we go.
Ah, Denmark famous for their giant dogs and breakfast pastries.
And get this the lowest automobile-injury rate in the world.
Why? Denmark? Because in order to get a driver's license, a teenager in Denmark has to go through a grueling series of road tests cornering at high speeds There you go, Sven.
Skid control on icy roads.
Now, those are some skid marks you can be proud of.
So before you give your kid the keys to the car, race on down to Outdoor Man and get him a kayak.
Maybe it will keep him off the road.
Or he could paddle it to Denmark and learn how to drive.
Eve, honey, let's adjust your grip on the wheel.
Hands should be at 10:00 and 2:00.
There you go.
But isn't it just as good to have one knee at 6:00? Honey, keep your hands on the wheel and watch your speed.
Relax, mom, you're in good knees.
Look, I know your father taught you all kinds of fun tricks, but you still have to pass your test.
Don't worry, mom.
I'll pass it.
But first, I got to pass this dumbass in this R.
! I think that's the organist from our church.
Hey, drive it or park it, Mrs.
Gaffney! Honey, honey! Watch the road rage! Well, it isn't road rage until you get out of the car.
You know what? That's it.
You're not taking this seriously.
Pull over.
I'll drive us home.
Come on.
I think Mrs.
Gaffney is pulling over, too.
Now it's road rage.
Hey, you got a problem, lady?! I found the dead animal, Mr.
Good work, Kyle.
Yeah, I just had to wrestle it away from the animal that killed it.
You know, despite their cuteness, raccoons are kind of jerks.
Kyle, I I feel bad about springing all these jobs on you.
Yeah, I've been wanting to talk to you about that.
So from now on, I'm gonna be telling you ahead of time.
Tomorrow, we're gonna reseal the driveway.
And by "we," I mean you.
I'll just stop by and critique your job during the middle of the day.
I do love the smell of tar.
Good deal.
But it's important to Mandy that I grow a spine and start saying "no," so No? Hold on.
Mandy wants you to say no to me? Boy, she doesn't get us, does she? Yeah.
I'm not entirely sure I do, either.
You know, Kyle, it is important that you learn how to say "no.
" I'm so happy to hear you say that.
To Mandy.
You got me again, sir.
Kyle, did you just promise my dad that you'd do some other stupid chore for him today? - No, first thing in the morning.
- Come on! Kyle.
, I I can't do this stuff for you anymore.
Yes! I win! And your reward, Kyle you get to take me shoe shopping.
Now, I want to get a true fit, so I might ask you to carry me so my feet don't swell.
- Whoa, Mandy.
- Hey, Kyle.
Kyle, Kyle.
You start carrying her around a shoe store, you might as well get fitted for a saddle.
I have to start saying "no" to both of you.
You're saying no to me? - Yes.
- No.
We always do what you want to do, but no more, okay? Today, I would like to go ride dirt bikes, and you are more than welcome to join me, especially if you have two dirt bikes.
Can you believe the way he just spoke to me? Yeah, that took guts.
My respect for that kid actually, I have some now.
Me, too.
That was super hot.
Kyle, wait for me! Oh, thank God it's you.
There was a 50-50 chance I'd be holding your dad right now.
How did the driving lesson go? - Mom bailed.
- What? It's okay to get drunk after driving, right? What happened? Well, ask "10:00 and 2:00" over here.
As a driving instructor, she's a zero.
The good thing is you gals had some laughs.
You did all the fun stuff and you left the boring stuff for me to teach, like laws and how not to die.
Dad taught me all that stuff, too, but at least he enjoys my company.
I enjoy your company.
Not at this moment particularly, but I I I do.
Just forget it, mom.
What? What? If you have something to say to me, just say it.
What is it? I'm not an idiot.
I know why you suddenly want to hang out.
The two daughters you actually like are all busy, so you're thinking, "hmm.
Don't I have another one of these laying around somewhere?" E Eve, Eve, Eve! Don't talk to your mom like that! Listen, don't listen don't listen to her.
She got hit in the head with a soccer ball way too many times.
- I do tons of stuff with Eve.
- I know you do.
Honey, you don't need to tell me.
- I I take her for milkshakes at Stony's.
- I know.
Stony's closed years ago, honey.
It turned into a blockbuster, which is out of business now.
It's a it's a vacant lot.
But you know, o oddly enough, th they're thinking of putting a milkshake place back there.
- Oh, stop.
- Yeah.
You know, maybe she's right.
- She's not right.
- Honey, please.
- No, she is.
- Vanessa, Vanessa.
I I have spent a lot more time with her sisters and and I really let things slide with Eve.
I'm such a bad, bad mom.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You're close to different kids at different times in your life.
Mm, do you think Kristin and Mandy resent you for not spending more time with them? Don't know, don't care.
I'm gonna go talk to Eve.
Well, you could do that.
Or? Or you could give it some time, let her think about it.
This is coming from me, the Eve expert.
Mothers and daughters, huh? What are you doing? Having a little heart-to-heart with you.
We could have a foot-to-butt 'cause I don't like how you talked to your mom.
Dad, you know everything I said was true.
She'd much rather be hanging out with Mandy or Kristin, taking them to brunch or to the spa.
Do you have any interest in any of those things? Hell no.
But I'd like to be asked so I can roll my eyes.
After seven years of rolling your eyes, maybe your mom stopped trying.
See? She bailed on me.
You bailed on her.
Because everything she likes to do is lame.
"The brake is your buddy.
The brake is your buddy.
" The brake may be her only buddy.
Your mom does that because she loves you and wants you safe.
You only think she's lame because you're comparing her to stuff I do.
I killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
I'm not sure that counts if your bare hands are holding a rifle.
Some guys wear gloves.
That's all I'm saying.
You know, I think sometimes this is my fault because I hogged you all your life.
I had two daughters, and I really wanted a son.
You can only imagine how excited I was when you came along.
I'm a daughter, too, dad.
Don't sell yourself short.
You're much more than that to me, all right? Listen, your mom reached out to you, and you shut her down.
I think it's time you reach out to her.
That's what I'm trying to say.
But she's the mom.
And you're the kid, but not forever.
Time goes on.
This isn't gonna last forever, you know? You want a connection with your mom? It's a great thing.
I think it's time you thought of stuff that you guys can do together, stuff that she likes.
Like what? Uh, mani-pedis, pedi-manis, that stuff, and you you pluck and you prod and you pull and you oil and a lot of emollients that stuff.
How how about French movies? Hey, mom.
Are you busy? Hey, honey.
Uh, yeah, I I just got a call from work.
I got to drive out to Somerset.
Um I just wanted to tell you I thought I was kind of a jerk today in the car.
Yeah, you you kind of were.
And you might want to send a note to Mrs.
Gaffney, or at least pay to get her wig dry-cleaned.
Honey, come here, come here, come on.
Come sit down.
Come on.
I always have time for my third-favorite daughter.
I I just wanted to say that I I miss us hanging out, you know? I think we should do more things together.
Me, too.
Me, too.
Like what? Uh you like wine, right? Oh.
Nice try.
Nice try.
Now, come on.
Come on.
Let's think of something else.
What what what did we used to do? Gosh.
I don't know.
Just Um you used to give me baths.
Well, that might be kind of weird now.
Well, hey, um, what's going on in Somerset? Is that something? Uh, well, I'm decommissioning the entry point to a coal seam.
But y you don't want to hear about this.
No, it I'm interested.
Uh, well, first, we have to ventilate the mine for residual V.
Yeah, V.
You don't want any of that hanging around.
No, you don't.
And after that, we initiate a controlled implosion to seal the main shaft.
W wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Implosion? That, like, kind of sounds like you're blowing something up.
- I am.
- Well, why didn't you just say that? Okay, I'm I'm I'm blowing up a coal mine.
Yeah, maybe I should have led with that.
Oh, my oh, my God.
W w what are you working with, nitro, R.
, dynamite? What's your ordnance? Dynamite, about half a ton.
Sweet! I'm so in! No, honey.
No, no.
It's kind of dangerous.
You don't have to sweeten the pot, mom.
- Please.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Oh, what the hell? But listen.
You got to go by my rules and no complaining.
I will put my hands at 10:00 and 2:00 on the detonator.
But seriously, I I can't wait to tell all my friends that you, like, blow stuff up.
Not only that, but after the implosion, I examine the sedimentary debris for bituminous rock.
Don't dork out on me, mom.
No, no.
Yeah, I I blow stuff up.
Let's hit it.
Um, wait.
Uh, Somerset's like three hours away.
You don't need your helmet yet.
Yes, I do 'cause you are driving.
Yes! - Yes! Touchdown! - Touchdown! I'm gonna celebrate with a cold beer.
You've earned it.
You carried that team on your back.
Oh, honey, is that the player you were telling me about on the drive back from Somerset? The one who got suspended? Yes.
Luckily for us, the suspension cost him like 800 grand, so now he's pissed and knocking the snot out of the other team.
Who are we playing? The Raiders.
How's their season going? Well, you know the mine shaft we blew up? - Yeah.
- A little worse than that.
- Hey, dad.
- Hi.
What you looking at? Ah, sometimes when God closes a coal mine, he opens a window.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode