Last Man Standing s03e07 Episode Script

Shoveling Snow

"Last Man Standing" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Boy, mother nature sure took a dump on us last night.
Yeah, I love the first snow of the season.
Right on schedule.
It's like nature's giving Al Gore the finger.
Hey, where are you going in such a hurry? To get my snow shovel.
The sky dropped a ton of white gold, and I'm here to scoop it up at 20 bucks a driveway.
I thought you charged $15? Oh, inflation.
We're living in Obama's America.
I know we're not supposed to pick favorites with the kids, but it's not even close.
And here comes number three.
All this snow's gonna make my morning commute a nightmare, so I think I'm just gonna skip today.
That's a good idea.
Just give me a check for a $106.
I'm sorry what? I did a cost analysis of sending you to school.
It costs me $106 a day.
You don't go, send me that $106 or go get dressed.
I'm really glad you didn't do this while I was in high school 'cause that would've cost me a fortune.
Hey, what are you doing back? He that was quick.
I told you to pee before you put that snowsuit on.
No, all the neighbors I usually hit were already dug out.
Well, must be another eager beaver on the block.
Early bird gets the worm, right? It must be an early eager beaver bird.
Honey, if you don't have anything.
To add to the conversation, don't feel you got to just jump in.
I guess I'm just gonna have to get up that much earlier.
The next time it snows.
Oh, you know, that is the spirit.
You be an even earlier-er eager beaver er bird.
Y you don't have to stick around for this.
Here you go.
Happy eight-month anniversary.
Oh, my God! You're amazing.
Hey, Kyle, um, do you ever think about the future? Yeah, sure, all the time.
I think we'll have cars that hover, not fly.
And we'll make contact with aliens.
And finally discover which is more accurate, "Star Wars" or "Star Trek.
" Yeah, no, I meant more like with us, like you and me.
Of course.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
We'll be dead by then.
- Shoot, I'd better get to work.
- Okay.
Where's that hover car now? Am I right? Happy eight.
Cheers to you, too, sir.
Table five is not gonna tip you.
Oh, yeah, most of them don't.
This job is kind of a dead end.
You want to know why you don't get more tips? Um, my dad likes to blame Obama.
I think that could work here.
It's that boyfriend of yours always hanging around.
When these men come in here, we need to put on a little show.
We're not waitresses.
We're a fantasy.
Guys want to think we're available to them.
- Well, I mean, I don't think I have a boyfriend.
- I have a boyfriend.
But I keep that on the DL with my customers and my husband.
I'll give it a try.
So, what looks good to you besides me? Hey, Vanessa, get this.
I'm putting on a new pair of socks just now, and my toe came right through the end of the sock.
Can you believe it? Yeah, I can't believe we're talking about it.
Eight driveways, 20 bucks apiece.
That other kid snoozed and lost.
Nicely done, Evie.
The free market at work.
Look at my daughter.
Dipping her toe into the business world.
So now toes are interesting.
Oh, hon, you know, it's Phil Munroe from down the street.
I wonder what he wants.
Guess we'll never know.
Come on.
Be nice! Why don't you ask him if he's having a garage sale? Maybe I can buy back all the stuff I loaned him.
Hey, Phil.
Hey, Vanessa.
I just came by to return Mike's rake.
You borrowed my leaf blower, Phil! Whose rake is this? I got to learn to put names on these things.
It is my rake.
- Come on in.
- Hey.
I also came by to talk to your daughter The one with the snow shovel.
Oh, Eve.
Yeah, Evie.
Hi, Mr.
Hey, Eve.
My gosh, you're all grown up.
Seems like yesterday I was buying your girl scout cookies everything but thin mints.
Let's not pin that all on Eve.
I wanted to talk to you about your snow-shovel business.
Oh, so you want to hire Eve's snow no mo'? Oh, please step into my office.
Take a seat.
I'll beat any competitor.
I hate to hear that because I'm your competitor.
Phil, you're shoveling driveways? Couldn't get a paper route? I'm always looking to earn a little extra money, so after the storm the other day, I decided to bust out the old snowblower.
And knock on some doors.
Everything okay? Oh, peachy.
It'd just be better if Eve would let me do the driveways in our neighborhood.
What, uh, what do you think, Eve? Well, I can't really s with him sitting there, but, uh I was kind of counting on that for Christmas money.
Well, your parents are doing fine.
I'm sure they can give you a little extra allowance.
To buy your CDs and Pogo sticks.
I don't get an allowance.
I've always had real jobs.
Eve, giving up these jobs for Phil.
Would be a really nice thing to do.
Thanks, Mike.
But is the nice thing to do the right thing to do? Yes.
Yes, according to most people.
And Jesus.
My point is, why does anyone have to step aside? There's plenty of driveways, plenty of snow.
Why don't we let the free market decide? Free market? I love her, but she's a real task master.
She's got me working weekends at quiznos.
No shame in that.
They make a heck of a sandwich.
Mike, really? I mean, is this the time be tetohing Eve.
The finer points of economics? She's been working these driveways.
In this neighborhood for years.
Yeah, I've built up a real business.
I think it's a lot to ask to have her walk away from this.
No, it really isn't.
But if that's how you want to play it, I'm just glad I'm the one with the snowblower.
Yeah? Who'd you borrow that from, Phil? - Thanks, dad.
- Yeah.
- Oh, I don't like this.
- Yeah.
I feel like he's not telling us the whole story.
Yeah, he's had more than one box of thin mints.
Oh, I think Eve should step aside.
Phil obviously needs the money more than she does.
What? Where do you get that idea? "From each according to his ability.
To each according to his need.
" You know who said that? You know what? For the third time today, I'm not Karl Marx.
And I'm sorry I asked you to share your waffles.
What are you guys talking about? Marxism.
Ah, took dad's waffles again, didn't you? No, Mr.
Munroe is struggling to make ends meet.
I think he wants to compete with Eve to shovel driveways.
We don't know that he's struggling.
He could be saving up for a boat.
We won't know about that.
Until he borrows my truck to tow it around.
And let me guess.
You want Eve to destroy him.
Eve has worked really hard for all this.
There's no reason why she should give it all up for him.
I mean, why is he more entitled than she is? He's not.
Actually agree with dad on this one.
Not much fun in that, though.
No, no, no, the "He needs it more" theory.
Is what's justified pay discrepancies.
Between men and women for centuries, okay? The assumption that men are the breadwinners.
And deserve to make more money.
I'm a feminist! I feel bad for Phil.
I mean, the poor guy's working weekends in a sandwich shop.
Oh, sweet.
Those jobs are hard to get.
They only pick, like, the best of the best.
If they're such geniuses, why do they always give me pepper Jack.
When I ask for Swiss? All of those fast-food jobs that teenagers used to get.
Are getting gobbled up by these gross old people.
I want fries with that, not sadness, okay? Bagging groceries, babysitting adults are taking all of the great kid jobs.
How are teenagers supposed to buy beer, huh? Or in your case as a teenager, it was baby wipes and formula.
Why do I ever come over here? Okay, dad I'm having second thoughts.
About this whole competition with Mr.
Ah, I am so glad, Eve.
You know what? There's more to life than the almighty dollar.
Well, every rap song ever made disagrees with that.
I don't think I can go head-to-head.
With Munroe's snowblower, dad.
I think I'm just ready to rent yours for a buck a driveway.
No, no, no.
It's 2 bucks.
W w wait, you're charging her to use the snowblower? Just want a little taste.
Little taste? Want to wet my beak.
W what are you a mobster? Don't ask me about my business, Vanessa.
Oh, good morning, Mr.
Oh, hey, Eve.
The usualdriveway, walkways, too? And since you're a preferred customer, what song would you like me to sing while I work? Depends.
How deep into the Katy Perry catalog do you go? Deep.
Hey, Eve, Chuck.
Listen, before you commit to something you'll regret, you'll, uh, want to hear about my special And a free mug of hot cocoa, leaded or unleaded.
Hey, back off, Munroe.
Larabee's one of my regulars.
Oh, I I don't know, Eve.
He is offering a 20% discount, and I I do love hot cocoa.
Although it's a little too early for the leaded.
Not too early for Helen potts, but you didn't hear that from me.
All right, we're burning daylight, ladies.
Let's just cut to the chase.
I'll do it for half of my original quote.
I mean, come on.
Oh, well, uh, I I can't beat that.
I need to earn enough today to buy my cholesterol meds.
I get them online from Guatemala.
You never really know what you're taking, but sometimes you just have to roll the dice.
I'm sorry, Eve.
As a fellow high-cholesterol sufferer, I'm gonna have to go with Munroe.
Larabee, he is totally playing you right now.
Uh, no.
I bet his arteries look like the I-25 at rush hour.
This isn't over, Munroe.
Oh, yeah, Mr.
Larabee, if he has the big one in your driveway, I'm charging double to shovel his body out! - Phil? - Do you remember? The guy that's competing with Eve.
For the snow-shoveling business.
Of course I remember.
I'm not 100.
He won a sandwich at a quiz show.
He makes sandwiches at quiznos.
Vanessa found out that he lost his job.
At his accounting firm, and it wasn't because of him.
It was just 'cause they downsized.
All righty, gentlemen, is there anything else I can get for you today? No.
You know what? This is all yours.
Thank you.
Aww, thank you.
Nicely done.
Keep playing your cards like that, and that guy will buy you a car.
Ah, he already did.
And the student becomes the master.
Here you go, sweetie a short stack for the big man, with extra whipped cream.
Because you're my sweetest customer.
Oh, I bet you say that to all your customers.
I do.
Hey, Mandy Cakes! Whoa! Oh, oh, whoa! Hi, first cousin the kind that can't be your boyfriend.
It's so good to see you.
Oh, okay, all right.
Yeah, role-play.
I've heard about this.
So, we're cousins.
The taboo makes it more exciting.
Listen, I got to ask you to stop coming by the diner, though.
It's a thing with the customers.
I just need them to think that I'm completely available to them.
Available? It's just flirting, but, um, just, I get better tips when I turn on the charm.
- Excuse me - In a minute! Wait a minute.
So you don't want me around.
So that your customers will think they can date you? But don't worry it's completely phony.
Everybody does it.
I don't.
Well, of course you do.
At Outdoor Man, you pretend like you like.
All those boring fishing poles and tents.
I love all those fishing poles and tents.
I could never stack boxes of things that I found boring.
Right, or like with my dad.
You know, you pretend like you admire and respect him.
I worship your dad.
He's a genius.
Um, Kyle, you work for salary, and I work for tips, so I have to flirt.
Then maybe I could just pretend.
Not to be your boyfriend, you know? I I could come and just sit in Doris' section.
Although the last time I did, she put my napkin in my lap for me, which was nice.
But she lingered.
No, Kyle, it's really just better for me.
Ifou d y't come here at all.
I'll go.
Good luck trying to get that cousin thing going again later.
I feel bad for Phil.
Maybe we could find a place in accounting here.
No, we've got too many accountants already.
We've got Dale and Gary and Chesty Mona.
We can't fire Chesty Mona because that's bad for morale.
You've got to stop calling her "Chesty Mona.
" Otherwise, it's gonna come up in a wrongful-termination suit.
Come on.
That's completely innoce.
I just don't want to confuse her with Black Mona.
All right, with about Gary? We were gonna fire him 'cause he drinks too much.
No, no, no, you you can't.
He's in rehab.
Now he's an official alcoholic.
We can't touch him.
But but h he never shows up to work.
Yeah, I I think he's drinking again.
Well, then let's fire him.
Can't alcoholism is a disease.
Protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Maybe if we could prove Gary's a lousy accountant.
He is a lousy accountant! That's because of the drinking.
Is there anybody we can fire? Well, we could fire Dale.
He doesn't have anything on me.
He's also the best accountant we have.
So we fire the good people to protect the bad people.
Isn't that written on government buildings somewhere? I'm sorry about your neighbor.
He's out of luck, which means Eve's out of luck.
She's just gonna have to beat him fair and square.
I'm not trying to help Eve.
I'm trying to take care of my neighbor.
You want to take care of your neighbor? - Yeah.
- Well, get him on the sauce.
Mandy, what are you doing here? Just wanted to see my boyfriend.
Well, are you sure that's a good idea? I'm at work.
I need for my customers to believe I'm available to them.
That is a great purchase, sir.
You should be wearing the opposite of camouflage.
Everybody should be able to see you.
Kyle, what are you doing? Just being a big phony.
Who am I kidding? That was a very handsome man.
All right, I get it.
You don't like that I'm flirting with my customers.
No, I don't.
I don't understand.
You've never been jealous before.
Something feels different now.
Before when you asked about the future, I started thinking about our future.
I know that's not what you meant.
That's actually exactly what I meant, yeah.
Wow, we really should've cleared that up then.
The point is, I made an extra $40 at the diner today.
And I hated every minute of it.
Because of me? Yes.
As long as you're miserable, I guess I'm happy.
I want to say something, but I I don't want you to feel any pressure.
Oh, I I can take pressure.
My brothers used to sit on me, like, all the time.
I love you.
Boy, I'm glad you're not a customer.
Why? So you know I'm not being a big phony when I say I love you, too.
Wait, you say, "I love you" to your customers? Some people need to hear it, Mandy.
Yeah! Eat it, Munroe! Dad, I got five driveways, and he only got four.
- Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
- Huh? Where's mine? There's your taste.
Nutritious and delicious! Hey, Larabee.
- Hey, Baxter.
- Come on in.
No, I've got someplace else I'd like to be.
And I wish you were there.
Listen, I heard you went with Munroe.
What don't you like Eve's snow no mo' no mo'? No.
Uh, check out this flyer.
Eve posted those on trees up and down the street.
"Missing cat, tigger, was last seen in a driveway Phil Munroe was clearing with his snowblower.
" I thought you might want to know.
The way your daughter is playing this.
- Thanks.
- Dead cats.
Not cool.
Hey, Eve.
All right, fine, fine, fine.
I did six driveways.
Here's your $2, Mr.
What's this about? Oh, awesome, right? That'll teach Munroe not to undersell me.
- Take them down.
- Huh? Take them down.
Well, what happened to the free market, destroying the competition, putting Munroe out on the street? I never said any of that.
I set loftier goals for myself.
The free market is the greatest thing.
That ever happened to this planet, but it only works if there's some moral compass to it.
You start lying and cheating about it, it defeats the whole purpose.
Go take them down right now.
- Great, perfect.
- Yeah.
Just when you get an edge, the man hits you with regulations! Boy, I love that kid.
I was just oh, hey, Phil.
Oh, listen, I just talked to my daughter.
That was a terrible thing.
She's gonna take them all down, I apologize, okay? Oh, good.
I'm up for a part-time job at a pet store, and I I don't need this kind of publicity.
Hey, Phil, hold on a second.
Step in here for a minute.
I got to ask you a question.
Listen, um I understand, uh, that your company went through a little downsizing.
Oh, you found out about that, huh? You're an honorable guy and a hard worker, and, listen, I think I may have an opening.
In the accounting department at Outdoor Man.
Wow, really? Yeah, I have to get rid of a drunk.
Who never shows up and I don't like, but I'm willing to make that sacrifice.
Oh, man.
Thank you so much, Baxter! What I need you to do is come by tomorrow morning, talk to HR, right, bring your résumé, driver's license, and my orbital sander.
You got it.
You know what? And after that, we can go have a beer.
Oh, I I don't drink.
Well, start.
It's job security.
Oh, man! - Look at that bankroll.
- Hey.
Yeah, since I knocked off the competition, I jacked up my prices again.
Where's my taste? Sorry, old man.
Now that Munroe has a real job, he offered to lease me his snowblower.
For a buck a driveway.
So you're squeezing me out? Free market you got to love it.
So, your daughter cut you out.
How does that make you feel? I love that girl.
Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
I'm on top of the mountain, folks.
You know who gets to be on top of the mountain? People who can actually climb mountains.
It's called meritocracy, and it should be the basis for advancement in society.
Meritocracy pushes people to achieve big things, like scaling Mount Everest.
But our Federal Government likes stuff to be more fair.
You know, like that really exciting soccer game that they don't allow your kids to win or lose.
They don't want people feeling like losers, so, no, everybody just goes home going "What'd we just do?" the fact is, whether it's mountain climbing or climbing the corporate ladder, the big prize should go to the person who merits it most.
It's a simple idea.
But it's made American free enterprise the envy of the world! That would normally be a big problem.
We have satellite phones on sale at Outdoor Man this week.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode