Last Man Standing s03e14 Episode Script

Renaming Boyd?s School

"Last Man Standing" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
- Oh, hey, Mandy.
- Hi.
- Oh, still working on that dress? - Yeah.
Well, the dealie that goes up and down got kind of caught up with the thingy that goes around and around, so Wow one month into the fashion program, - and you already know your "dealies" from your "thingies.
" - Yeah.
- Oh, Mom.
- Yeah? I want you to have this original design sketch.
- It's going to be worth millions when I'm famous.
- Ooh, ahh.
Famous? It's the U.
Denver School of Design.
Who teaches there, the guy who invented flannel? Y-you know, d-don't you think this dress is is a little ambitious for your first project? Mom, don't worry.
I've been making my own clothes forever.
Yeah, you've been altering your own clothes, but you haven't made an outfit since that tube top for your cabbage patch kid.
Anyways, I'm gonna be totally fine, okay? I have three whole days to make one Teenie-tiny cocktail dress.
Yeah, and I'm sure after a couple of cocktails, someone might mistake this for a dress.
Oh, hey, babe.
What you doing? Nothing.
Unless you have something for me to do.
Then I'm really busy.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hey.
We just came from the most exciting PTA Meeting ever.
You know, for the record, no man on earth has ever said those words.
The first graders had an assignment to write a paragraph about Captain William Clark, - the guy the school is named for.
- Ooh.
Yeah, Lewis and Clark, 1804.
They blazed a trail from Missouri to the Pacific Coast.
You know, Lewis went on to make a series of very funny movies with Dean Martin.
And, of course, the lands that they supposedly discovered were already home to millions of indigenous people.
But those indigenous people the Indians got us all hooked on tobacco.
So I think it kind of evens itself out.
Anyway, it came up at the meeting that one of the kids discovered Clark was a slave owner.
Oh, come on.
This was all dug up by a first grader? It was a first grader who's, like, 5'11", bearded, - and sitting right over there.
- Mm-hmm.
Mommy! Mommy! Daddy! - Ha! - Hey! Hey! There's my little muckraker.
Do you really think it's a good idea to drag my grandson into tearing down this American hero? It's called "research," Mike.
We just went where the facts led us.
Did you know Clark ate over 200 dogs? I was gonna put that in the paper, but I didn't want to make people sad.
Bring them down after all that fun slave stuff.
Dad, listen, I'm actually really proud that Boyd was so into this.
A-although now I'm questioning why he suddenly wants a puppy.
People deserve to hear the whole story about Clark.
You know, when when history is written by the winners, the losers get no voice.
One of them does.
Dad, Clark owned people, okay? That's a big deal.
And now there's a petition going around to change the school's name.
- Oh, stop that! Wait a minute.
- W-w-w-wait! Isn't that kind of drastic? - I mean, there's there's a lot of history in that school.
- Right.
Yeah, we just hate the idea of honoring a slave owner.
- Well, don't go to D.
- No.
You know, Washington was a slave owner, and they gave him his own monument.
- Yeah, and then a bridge - was named after him.
And a town.
And a state.
And a-a a Denzel.
Hey, honey, you know, we've been eating a lot of oatmeal and fruit these days.
I'm just saying that maybe for a couple days we try bacon and eggs.
Hmm? Oh, sure.
Right, right, right.
Now, listen thinking outside the box here, we go with just bacon.
Yeah, all right.
- What's the matter? - Hmm? Mnh-mnh.
You're not listening to me.
You're just saying yes to everything I say, and I wasted it on bacon! I'm sorry, honey.
You know, it's j it's this thing with Boyd's school.
Oh, come on.
Let them have whatever they want.
It's 10:30.
I'm over it.
Are you still in that "say yes to everything I want" mode? You know, if they change the name of Clark Elementary, it's not just the sign on the front door.
There's a lot of things around that school that depict Lewis and Clark, and they'll probably get rid of those, too.
What are you talking about? S-sign out front and then the The mural in the lobby.
What? The mural in the lobby, the one that you built when you were the president of the PTA.
Oh! I forgot about that.
I mean, no, it it would be so petty of me to try to save some silly, beautiful, beautiful mural that we spent months designing and sketching and painting.
- You just want to save that stupid mural.
No, no.
Everybody loves that mural, Mike.
It was the highlight of my reign as PTA president.
Your reign? That mural is a piece of me that I just I thought would be there forever.
Mandy's class helped make it.
And every time Boyd walks past it, he thinks of me.
And maybe a little of Lewis and Clark.
- You know, you have some skin in this, too.
- I know.
You were the model for William Clark.
That was your art teacher who talked me into that.
"You're the perfect model for this, "with your chiseled jaw and your steely eyes and your firm butt.
" Oh, man.
You've seen the mural.
And now the school board will probably slap paint all over that, too.
Listen, you know somebody on the school board.
Just give her a call.
What? Carol Larabee? Yeah.
Oh, come on! That's so awkward.
You want me to ask an African-American woman to stand up for a guy who owned slaves? Huh.
Yeah, you don't want to lead with that.
But if you do talk to her, - don't get all self-conscious like you normally - I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't! - You'll end up telling her how you love "The Wire.
" - What I am not asking Carol.
Well, she owes us one.
You might as well ask her.
You know, she asked us to water her plants while she was on vacation.
Oh, by the way, we were supposed to water her plants while she was on vacation.
Hi, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, here to talk to you men.
We're obsessed with our dingers.
Our beaver bugs, our salty centipedes.
That's right.
I'm talking about Fishing lure.
Half price now at Outdoor Man.
Now, if you thought I was talking about something else and got offended, well, I'm sorry for you.
Because it's your interpretation of the words that make them offensive.
I think the same applies to sports teams.
Now, I understand why people don't want to be associated with the name "Washington Redskins.
" They went 3-13.
But you don't see the folks from the Emerald Isle complaining about the Fighting Irish, do you? You don't see John Boehner crying about the Syracuse Orangemen.
Now, whatever the color, let's just try to develop a thicker skin.
Maybe by spending more time fishin', where only mother nature can hear you bitchin'.
So come on down to the store And grab one of our donkey dongers.
Okay, that did sound bad.
Solid vlog, Mike.
What got you thinking about renaming sports teams? They want to change the name of Clark Elementary School now because, all of a sudden, Lewis and Clark are bad guys.
You know, nothing lasts, Mike.
We all have to let go.
That's something I'm learning as I'm I'm approaching middle age.
"Middle age"? How long do you expect to live, Ed? Until science catches up with technology, and then forever.
You know, this reminds me of something.
- Something obscure and boring, right? - No.
De-Stalinization under the Soviets.
Wow, was I ever wrong! You hold that thought.
Sit there.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
I'll be back.
The city of Volgograd used to be called Tsaritsyn, - you know, after the tsar.
- Yeah, I know.
The Soviets came in, shot the tsar, and renamed the whole town Stalingrad.
Right, then Stalin died.
Khrushchev changed the name back.
- Yeah.
- So? Well, it almost makes you feel bad for Stalin.
Yeah, until you remember that he killed, like, 20 million people.
Yeah, my point is, in time, everybody gets knocked off their pedestal.
In 50 years, will people know who I am? Nobody knows who you are now.
And I've made peace with that.
The best legacy you can leave behind is service to your fellow man.
And as you know, that's why I've adopted this inner-city park.
You know, it's smaller than I pictured it.
It's my legacy.
Yes, it's all all new landscaping and playground equipment.
And who needs monuments when you have sweeping oak trees and and the laughter of grateful children? And a 90-foot sign with your name on it.
What? Nothing.
You can tell me if I'm doing a bad job, Blanca.
Well, this dress you're making looks like, uh I-I don't know if there's a word for this in English a when a dog throws up and then eats it and then throws up again.
Do you know anything about sewing? Oh, well, when I was a little girl, my mother and I used to sew together for hours and hours all day.
Oh, yeah? That's sweet.
We worked in a sweatshop.
We made clothes for Contempo Corner you know, that store in the mall.
And if we ever turned in a hem that bad whew! They would beat us with a donkey stick.
Blanca, please, can you teach me? Listen, everybody always underestimates me.
But if I could turn in a dress like this, maybe they'd finally estimate me.
But you have to do everything I say, mija.
That means you can't take any shortcuts or make any excuses.
Do you understand? - Yes.
But what if I - You can't.
- But even if I - You won't.
I'm in.
Thank you so much! This is really nice of you.
Oh, this is not nice.
You're going to pay me.
Plus, I'm also allowed bathroom breaks, drink-company water, and if I get bitten by a rat, I get time off to dress the wound.
Ha! Oh, I would have done it without the water! You would never cut it at Contempo Corner, Miss Mandy.
- Mike? - Uh-huh? Have you ever googled yourself? Yeah, I used to Google all the time.
Then I married you.
- When you search "Mike Baxter," all your vlogs come up.
- Yeah? You know, you're more popular than the Mike Baxter that plays for the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Well, I had a better year.
You know what comes up when you type "Vanessa Baxter"? A beautiful woman with way too much time on her hands.
No, a porn star with something else in her hands.
Yeah, meet the most famous Vanessa Baxter.
Except "Baxter" is with three x's.
Oh, come on.
This is not competition, you know.
- No, I honey.
You're a PhD.
Honey, this is a P-h-Double-D.
You got to go through 40 pages before you can find me online.
Honey, I just feel like if they take away that mural, it'll be like I-I never even existed.
You'll always be Mrs.
Mike Baxter.
Who's that? Oh, Carol Larabee.
She can help you with the mural.
Honey, no! No.
Wait! I told you! This is too sensitive to bring up with Carol! - What did you do? - I invited her over here because we always like seeing you, Carol.
Hey, Chuck.
What are you doing here? Hello, Baxter.
- Nice to see you, Vanessa.
- Hi, Chuck.
- Vanessa.
- Yes? Mike tells me you want to talk about this whole Clark school controversy.
Uh, really, no.
No, I don't.
She thinks it would be awkward because Clark was a slave owner.
What could be awkward about defending a slave owner to your only black neighbors? Chuck, what are you doing here? I wouldn't miss this for the world! Besides, it's better than sitting at home with a bunch of dead plants.
Oh, you'll probably think twice about asking us to take care of your dog.
I-I'm not really defending anybody.
I think we can all agree that slavery was wrong.
Well, thank God that's settled.
Nobody is trying to defend slavery.
I know.
I bet someone's going to come awful close.
I just don't think a man's mistakes should erase his accomplishments.
And that didn't take long.
But it's not just the slavery issue.
Parents don't like how Clark turned his back on the native American people.
You know what? It reminds me of how Avon Barksdale sold out Stringer Bell on "The Wire," right? I keep telling you I haven't seen it.
I agree with you, Mike.
It's crazy to waste money changing signs when we're laying off teachers.
Now, honey, how would they handle this on "The Wire"? - Usually these controversies, they burn themselves out.
- Right.
But not as long as your daughter and son-in-law keep driving this.
Technically he's not our son-in-law, right? He he's just a-a guy.
All right, look how about this for a compromise? What if we renamed the school for for Meriwether Lewis? Well, that way you could save your mural.
Oh, gosh! I wasn't even thinking about that.
And if we renamed it Lewis Elementary, it would give, uh, gay kids a historic role model.
Meriwether Lewis was gay? There is some research to suggest that, yeah.
His mom set that table by naming the kid Meriwether.
Two dudes dressed in fur, headed for San Francisco? Yeah, that tracks.
Yeah, but, I mean, if we named the school after Lewis, we'd still have to change the signs.
What if we named it after Tom C.
Clark? All right, well, who who is Tom C.
Clark? Tom C.
He's a Supreme Court justice in the '50s? - Yes.
Least controversial justice of all time.
The guy literally just sat on the bench.
Honey, how do you know all this stuff? Well, if you stopped googling porn stars, you'd see there's a whole world out there.
Oh, well, yeah, Justice Clark.
You know, he's a safe choice.
There is nothing objectionable in his record.
Is that what we're getting to? We just name public buildings after the most boring people we know? Hey, Chuck, you want a library named after you? Mike's right.
We should name the school after someone who shook things up.
Yeah, preach, brother.
Malcolm X Elementary.
Stop preaching, brother.
Since half the population of Denver is latino, maybe you could name it after a man who explored the west 300 years before your Lewis and Clark.
Vasco Núñez de Balboa.
Malcolm X not sounding so bad now, is it, Baxter? Okay! Do it again! Even my Uncle's pet monkey could sew a hem better than this! But he also plays the accordion.
Oh, he's a pretty special little fellow.
I'm sorry, Blanca.
I'm just so tired! Concentrate! You can't talk and sew! - Hey.
- Oh, hey.
E-excellent work, Miss Mandy.
Oh, you have a real talent for this.
Mandy, honey, look at all the progress you're making.
- Maybe you will be a famous designer.
- Ooh! Sell millions of dresses No stupid school board can paint over that.
Oh, Miss Mandy is doing a beautiful job.
If you think dog vomit is beautiful.
Now, keep your eye on that under stitch! Ow! I just under-stitched my finger! Wait! Why did you stop working?! At Contempo Corner, if you were bleeding, they'd just switch you to the red sweaters.
I can't sew anymore, okay? I'm done.
My fingers are numb, and my back is killing me.
I can't even see straight.
I don't have what it takes to make it in fashion.
So I'm just gonna tell U.
Denver I'm I made that? You made this.
This dress is awesome sauce.
Oh! Blanca, thank you so much.
I'm sorry I had to be so hard on you, Miss Mandy.
But you have so much potential, and I I just wanted to wring it out of you like dirty mop water.
You are an amazing teacher.
Oh! Listen, how much do I owe you? Oh, $20.
Um, an hour? Yes Oh.
Hey, Mike.
Kris isn't here.
Well, I came here to talk to you.
And there are so many electronic ways to do that now.
This will just take a minute.
Unless you're painting your face blue and liberating Scotland.
Listen, as a favor to my wife, would you drop this Clark thing at the school? Oh, I get it.
You know, Mike, I'm actually curious.
Are you really interested in preserving Vanessa's mural, or are you interested in preserving your privileged, white, Euro-centric reading of American history? Well, I like both, so don't make me pick.
Even Carol Larabee agrees with me.
And her ancestors have a bigger beef with Clark than you do.
Carol Larabee likes naming schools after oppressors? She doesn't like spending money on trivial stuff.
And that's that's unusual for a bureaucrat and a woman.
Maybe we would have more of a budget for our schools if it weren't for the sequester cuts that your republican congress pushed through.
That your president Obama signed.
- He is not my guy anymore.
- He's not my guy! Well, I don't want him! Well, that would explain his approval ratings.
Look, I get that you think this William Clark thing is trivial.
But it is important to me.
That's how I know it's trivial.
I just want the name on my son's school to be a role model he can look up to.
You want your kid to look up to someone? How about being a better father? Oh, yeah, okay.
Here we go again.
I can never be a great father because I ran out on Kristin and Boyd seven years ago.
I wasn't even gonna bring that up.
It's about the stupid battle over this sign, you know.
How about picking your battles? - Where do we draw the line at? Hey, buddy.
Did I do something wrong, Daddy? No, of course not, buddy.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Just I should go put on some pants.
Why don't you find a top that goes with that skirt? Did I make everybody mad with my William Clark report? No, you didn't.
You did great stuff.
It's always good to be inquisitive.
What's "inquisitive?" There you go.
So, was William Clark really a bad man? It's not that simple, really.
He did a lot of things that were bad, yes.
But he did some stuff that made him very important, which is why we're talking about him.
But in the movies there's always the bad guy and the good guy.
How can you say that? Didn't we see "Platoon" together? Nobody's perfect.
Everybody makes mistakes.
Even me.
Did you own slaves? I didn't have to.
I had kids.
But one time, I was on my way to catechism, and I stole a candy bar.
- That's bad.
- That is bad.
One time I s I stole my dad's Bonneville, right? And I blamed it on my younger brother.
That's worse.
Look, the point I'm trying to make is I don't want the bad things in my life to be the only things people remember.
I think your dad and I can agree on that.
This is fun! Tell me more bad stuff you did, Grandpa.
Well, I traveled a lot when I first started working.
And I wasn't around for a lot of the stuff your mom went through as a little girl, and I'm not happy about that.
But I wanted to be an adventurer then.
So you were just like Lewis and Clark? Eh More like Clark than Lewis.
You don't need to make that noise.
We're looking right at you.
Look out, Heidi Klum.
Great, so I look like a Wow.
Thanks, Dad.
Okay, so I'm not up on my supermodels.
Anyway, I am off to Steph's party.
Gonna go show off my original "Mandy Baxter.
" Haven't enough guys seen your Mandy Baxters? - Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, you guys.
How was the PTA meeting? Well, you won, Dad.
The school is still named after your hero William Clark.
So, like every other PTA meeting, nothing happened.
Well, the good news is my mural is safe.
And now there's more money for books and crap.
Once Ryan withdrew his petition, everyone chilled out.
Until your friend Ed showed up and started a whole different fight by donating some extra playground equipment from his park.
Well, actually, that was my idea.
Plan "B" to get everybody off the name thing.
Hmm, honey, how did you know that free monkey bars would be so controversial? suffered in kids come from monkey bars.
Don't even get him started on the teeter-totters.
Oh, you mean the child catapult? - That's how I knew.
- I get it.
I'm sorry that, you know, I want our kid to grow up - with two functioning arms.
- Right, of course.
Should we just wrap Boyd up in bubble wrap? It's a cellophane death machine.
Let's talk about death let's talk about bubble wrap.

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