Last Man Standing s03e20 Episode Script

Parenting Bud

"Last man standing" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Good morning.
Oh, it will be once this bran muffin works its magic.
I used to get a peck on the lips in the morning.
Now I get an update on your colon.
Colon? I hope you guys are talking about punctuation.
Listen, I won't have time to make dinner tonight, so I'm just gonna pick something up.
Any preference? I don't care.
I'm easy, honey.
Oh, good.
There's a new Greek place I want to try.
No, no.
I don't want to do that.
Do you really want to hang out with the greeks? I mean, that mediterranean work ethic has got the whole world economy in a tailspin.
I just wanted a kabob.
Where, uh where do you want to go? Honey, I don't care.
I'm easy.
Uh, then Chinese? Pass! We'll all be eating that food full-time soon enough.
You know where this is headed, mom.
Just say Texas barbecue.
That sounds good.
I'm not picky.
All right.
Good morning.
Hey, honey.
Hey, kris.
Boy, you spend a lot of time over here.
You're the one who wanted to live with Ryan.
I think you go home and take your medicine.
I just needed a place to chill for an hour, okay? Boyd had me up all night with a stomach virus.
Oh, so you thought you'd bring that virus over here.
Next time, bring doughnuts.
No, no, no! Don't touch the handle of the coffee pot! You'll get your germy spores on everything.
I'll get it for you, honey.
Thank you.
Maybe I should just drink my coffee outside.
All right.
Wipe down that door handle and then bury the cup.
I am not standing outside, okay? I promise I'll try not to breathe on you.
So is Ryan taking care of my grandson? Yeah, of course.
Honey, men are capable of taking care of sick children.
Uh, yeah, they're called doctors.
Your grandma escaped again, Kyle? I'm so sorry.
Well, listen, she couldn't have gotten very far.
Well, why would they put a retirement home right next to a bus station? Why won't anybody answer the door? Kyle's not gonna be at work today.
Why won't anybody answer my question? Hey, Larabee, come on in.
Hey, Baxter.
Hey, I've been ringing that doorbell for two minutes.
I would have jumped right up, but you know what they say about white men.
We say a lot of things.
Hey, you know, I noticed you don't have a home-security sign in the front lawn.
I didn't need one until the neighborhood got so diverse.
I started my own home-security business Something to, you know, keep me busy since my retirement.
Hey, that's great.
I mean, who would know more about security than a guy like you? Oh, you mean, "who knows more "about breaking into people's homes than someone who's diverse?" No.
I was thinking that because you're a marine.
But yours works, too.
Hey, what do you say, Baxter? Most of the neighbors are signing up.
Do you want me to protect your home? You got a lot of nice stuff in here.
I don't need protection.
I got all the second amendment protection I need up in my den.
What if you're not around? What then? You've seen me on the range, Mr.
I could shoot the nads off a squirrel at 100 yards.
Hey, what if the robber isn't a squirrel? Bigger nads, bigger target.
Just, uh, think about it, Baxter.
A-and, Eve, stop by later with your pellet gun.
I got a bushy-tailed baritone in my cedar tree that needs to go soprano.
Okay, so your grandma's on a bus to Reno? All right, well, good luck finding her, babe.
And, hey, if she makes it all the way to Reno, good luck to your grandma, too, huh? let me get this straight now.
Boyd was sick, and Ryan was watching him? Yep.
But he's the dad.
I know.
It's crazy, right? Mike, the world is upside down.
We should just all start walking around on our hands.
What's all the chitchat, ladies? Dad, what are you doing over here? Ed and I are going off to Kansas for an overnight hunting trip.
I can't go hunting.
I got stuff to do here.
You weren't invited.
Just us vets.
Come on.
Let's go grab some lunch first.
Like I said, I'm busy.
You weren't invited to that, either.
You got to try the bánh mi at my favorite vietnamese place.
All right.
I'll introduce you to a kid there who looks suspiciously like you.
So they shot at you in Vietnam, and you're going to a vietnamese restaurant? Yeah, I have a very complicated relationship with southeast Asia.
Dad, what did you do to your head? Uh, it's nothing.
I, uh I got rolled the other night, uh You what? Yeah, they grabbed my stash.
That's pot talk for a I know what a stash is.
You got mugged? I was leaving the grow house, guy jumped me, and gave me a knock on the head.
Phew! I came to, there was a cat licking my face.
Kind of nice.
I might get a cat.
So, your takeaway from getting mugged is you're gonna get a cat? I told you not to put a grow house in that neighborhood.
It's dangerous.
What are you using for protection? Lana Turner, Raquel Welch.
Because they're both knockouts.
What do you say we get him a 9-millimeter? We customize it and get you a concealed-weapons permit.
I don't want a gun.
I don't see so good these days.
You don't see so good? You're taking him hunting? Hey, why don't you guys take Dick Cheney with you? I'm okay.
Don't be such a worrywart.
It's gonna be fine, Mike.
It's gonna be fine.
Kyle, Kyle, pull me a kevlar flak jacket, bright orange, heavy-duty.
Yes, sir.
Hey, uh, I'm really sorry I missed work yesterday, Mr.
My grandma got away again.
Yeah, Mandy told me.
Did you find her? Yeah.
Yeah, you know, it took a while.
You know, you'd think an 80-year-old woman playing slots in her bra and a sequined cowboy hat would stand out.
Not in Reno.
Did you grab the right one? Eventually.
The first one was way too willing to get in the van with me.
My grandma put up more of a fight.
She's still of sound body, just not so sound of mind.
Well, you got a lot of your grandmother in you.
Thanks, Mr.
I knew this pot shop was dangerous.
At least when your dad was in the construction business, when he got hit on the head, he was wearing a hard hat.
This has nothing to do with him having a marijuana shop.
It has everything to do with him getting older.
Honey, he was carrying thousands of dollars worth of reefer.
"Reefer"? Mm.
Now who's getting old? I guess your dad's just getting to that age where he's gonna need more help from us.
I offered to buy him a handgun.
What more can I do? People are living longer these days, despite your policy of arming the elderly.
His vision's going.
He says he needs a doctor's appointment.
How do I do that? You mention it to me, and I take care of it.
I just mentioned it to you.
I'll call in the morning.
Old people are so helpless.
And now I got my business partner and my half-blind dad running around Kansas with rifles.
I should call and see if they're both still alive.
You know, I wonder if our kids will be as concerned about us when we're drooling out of the corners of our mouths.
Well, thank God I still got Eve.
No, hey.
We still have Eve.
You keep telling yourself that.
Honey, you know, no, no, statistically, you you're not even gonna need Eve.
Uh, women, on average, outlive their spouses by 12 years.
Well, I'm gonna turn that around.
Oh? You remember, I'm the one that services your car.
And I'm the one that prepares your meals.
How's Boyd feeling? Oh, he's fine.
He's back at school.
But now Ryan is sick.
Now you're here spreading Ryan germs.
Why don't you bring over some lepers, and we'll all play twister? You know, when Kyle's sick, he won't let anyone take care of him.
It's one of the things I love about Kyle.
No, w-when you care about somebody, you look after them, and then they look after you.
I know.
If you're nice to somebody, then they owe you, then you got 'em right where you want 'em.
No, they don't owe you.
You both do it because you want to.
But I don't want to.
So that's where your little system falls apart.
Yeah, mom, what are you getting at? No.
Do you have some gross old-person disease? Oh, God.
You do look terrible.
I feel fine, and I look great.
Now, someday Decades from now I might need you girls to take care of me.
So, when you say "take care of," I hope you're not talking about anything that requires latex gloves.
Maybe, yeah.
People get older things leak.
Oh, come on, no! Stop! I'm not gonna leak.
But your dad and I might be your responsibility someday.
No problem.
By then, old people will be cryogenically frozen.
So I'll be sure to say hello each time I reach for a Popsicle.
Maybe maybe we could keep her mouth open just a little bit.
Use her as a bottle opener.
Just like Very nice.
Very nice.
That'll teach me to discuss a serious topic with people who supposedly love me.
I will be there for you mom, okay, and one of these two can have dad.
Not it! Not it! You're stuck with dad! No! I want mom! Girls, girls, there's plenty of future me to go around.
Wait a second, Eve.
I thought you were daddy's little girl.
I am.
But it would be hard for me to watch dad go.
So it'll be easier for you to watch me go? A little.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
Um, I mean, you'd all prefer to take care of me, so Yeah, you'd be a piece of cake.
Yeah, you're easygoing.
Compared to dad.
He always gets his way.
No, no, no.
I-I don't know that that's true.
Yes, like the other night, remember? When you wanted Greek food and you ended up with Texas barbecue? You're a pushover.
No, no, I'm not.
You are.
Okay, maybe I am.
But, you know, there is definitely a give-and-take with your father.
And I get my way plenty of times.
Listen to her.
She already has dementia.
Hey! My hearing hasn't gone yet! Oh, hey.
Hello, Vanessa.
Hi, Chuck.
Is Mike around? Uh, no.
No, he isn't.
Oh, I was just checking back to see if he'd given any more thought to using my security business.
Huh? Uh, uh, no, he hasn't mentioned anything.
That's weird.
You know, Carol and I always share important things that, you know, affect the household.
I guess you and Mike do things differently.
No, I, uh I wouldn't mind reactivating our home-security system.
Yeah, but, um, I just I just don't know if if Oh, it's okay.
I know you need to run it by Mike.
When he decides what he wants you guys to do, have him give me a call.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, wait, wait, Chuck, no.
No, no.
Mike doesn't make all the decisions around here.
That "welcome" mat you're standing on Mike wanted one that says "go away.
" It says "go away.
" Damn it.
When did he get that? The husband says, "try the kitchen.
" Hey, Mike.
Hey, guys, what are you doing here? Didn't you read the doormat? We brought back a bunch of rabbits.
Vanessa said come on out in the back and smoke them.
Boy, you'll smoke anything these days, won't you, dad? We're just swapping war stories, that's all.
Yeah, uh, pull up a chair.
Have a beer.
Very generous of you, Chuck, since it's my chair and my beer.
Believe this guy? Called five times to check on me during our hunting trip.
Oh, yeah.
Nervous Nellie.
That's why I got you a satellite phone, dad, so I could find you.
How come you didn't pick it up? I don't like using that thing.
It costs 10 bucks a minute.
Yeah, it reminds me of a little place I used to go to in Saigon during the war.
That was 10 bucks a minute, too.
So what you're saying is you spent 10 bucks.
Ooh, Mike.
You can't take shots if you weren't shot at.
The medic takes one look at my leg wound and passes out.
And I'm thinking, "man, this this can't be good.
" Turns out the guy was hypoglycemic.
Lucky for both of us, I had a Kit Kat.
and that thing didn't melt.
You tell me God isn't American.
Our medics were so hopped up on morphine, when I got shot, I had to pay one of the villagers to remove the bullet.
She stitched me up and gave me a manicure while she was at it.
Best buck and a quarter I ever spent.
Yeah, I-I was very, very lucky.
I was fortunate.
I got top-notch care for my war injuries.
I didn't know you were shot during the war, Ed.
Yeah, I got my finger caught in a filing cabinet.
To this day, whenever I hear drawers slam I'm right back there.
I didn't, um I didn't serve, you know? I turned 18, and war was over.
It sucked.
And that's the last war the U.
was ever in.
Didn't you go to camp that summer at evergreen lake? Yeah, I got that horrible sunburn And, you know, s-swimmer's itch.
Got a big spider bite During the camp camp drills.
Boy, look at those rabbits coming along, dad.
You guys did really well.
Your dad got five kills One at 50 yards.
Yeah, hippity-hoppity, Easter's not on its way for that bunny.
I thought you said your Your eyes were bothering you.
I got lucky.
You got lucky five times? Well, after I shot the first one, I had four rabbit's feet.
You're clipping rabbits at 50 yards.
There's nothing wrong with your aim or your eyes.
We're not starting that again, are we? Look, I don't need a gun for protection.
This is not Florida, where you can go around shooting people for no reason.
There's a reason Same reason I don't vacation in Florida.
I'm just saying you need some kind of protection.
It's not that big a deal.
I got this far without your help.
I can take care of myself.
Thank you very much.
Ed, give me a ride back to my shop.
Yeah, okay.
Let it go, Mike.
The last thing guys our age need is someone telling them they're helpless.
What was your nickname at that summer camp? Buzzkill? Hey, dad.
Hey, Mr.
Hey, you guys hungry? Ew! Yeah, no thanks.
Um, we had dinner at his grandma's rest home.
It was "eat with your teeth out" night.
I had like 10 tapioca cups.
I'm feeling a little woozy.
I might have gotten one with the medicine.
I've got to go take a shower.
I got hugged by like 20 people who thought I was their granddaughter.
And one guy who definitely didn't.
Good night.
So, um how's your grandma? Uh, she's good.
I'm gonna go back and sit with her a little later.
She's still pretty agitated.
Probably because you ate her medicine.
When you do stuff like this for her, Kyle, does she appreciate what you're doing? Oh, no.
She gets really angry.
She doesn't think she needs any help, especially from a dunderhead.
That's her special nickname for me.
Yeah, not just hers.
I don't mind.
I mean, she's set in her ways.
That's why I got to look out for her.
I'm sorry for what she's putting you through.
What choice do I have? She's family.
It's open.
Yeah, I can see that.
Dad, it's me.
Uh, glad it's you, Michael.
What would you do if I was here to rob you? Why would you rob me? You're my son, and you're doing fine.
Yeah, you got me there.
Listen, I brought the rabbits.
You left them on the smoker.
So how's the pot business? Business is great.
I just hope people know what they're doing putting this marijuana stuff in their bodies.
You want some booze? It goes good with rabbit.
A wild Turkey toast to a fellow fallen forest creature.
Try saying that a couple times after a few of these.
What's this? Don't get all excited.
Let me explain.
Somebody ought to give you a knock on the head.
I do not want a gun.
Just listen to me.
If you want me to take that, you're gonna have to pry it into my cold, dead hand.
What am I missing here? I don't want to talk about it.
Don't want to talk about what, dad? Look, Mikey there are war stories like Ed and his paper cut.
And there are war stories The stuff guys don't talk about sitting around a smoker.
I thank God every day that you missed the draft, son.
I would never want you to know what it's like to kill a man.
You remember their faces.
I-it sticks with you, Michael.
I really can't imagine.
I promised myself that I would never again point one of those at anything walking on two feet.
Unless it was an ostrich.
That would be too good to pass up.
Well, how are you gonna defend yourself? If somebody wants my stash that bad, they can have it.
You know what a stash is, right? We've been through this.
I think maybe you should get that head looked at.
Jimmy and I had no idea what you went through.
We used to play soldier all the time just pretending to be you.
You've always been a real hero to us, you know that? Thank you.
I have a plan "b" As in Larabee.
I like this guy.
Doesn't have such great things to say about you.
I'd like to hire him to do security around here.
I haven't seen a weaker defense since the Broncos in the super bowl.
I appreciate the offer, Mike, but I'm the father.
The father takes care of the kids, not the other way around.
Look, I'm not talking about taking care of you, dad.
I'm talking about the business.
Remember, I'm the marketing guy.
And I don't think customers are gonna take too kindly to stepping over some old dude getting CPR out front from a cat.
This Larabee guy He know his stuff? I trust him with your life.
What about your life? Let's see how he does with yours first.
Hey, babe.
Where Where have you been? I have a little gift for you.
You're welcome.
You know, I also went to that new Greek place, and I got myself a delicious kabob.
Sounds like you've had a big day.
And I also hired Chuck to redo our home-security system, completely unilaterally no discussion with you.
Sounds okay.
No, no, 'cause the point is, you can't always have your way.
Sometimes I have a way, and it's a perfectly good way.
Come on.
I'm very easygoing.
Oh, no.
No, you're not.
Ask the girls.
I did.
I asked the girls, and you're not the easygoing one.
I'm the easygoing one.
Okay, fine.
Let's have it your way again.
Tell you what, give me the mat.
I'll take it out front.
Huh? W N Yeah.
No, no.
No, no, no, no.
No, you yeah, I'll take it out I'll take it out no, you don't get to turn this around.
No, 'cause 'Cause you're not the easygoing one.
I'm I'm the easygoing one.
Well, I'll take it out and no, no, no.
You're not taking this mat.
I'm keeping your mat.
All right, well, once again, you get your way.

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