Last Man Standing s04e04 Episode Script


"Last Man Standing" was recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Okay, what supreme court justice do we want to retire? Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
Nice, and what are the five justices that we want to stay on forever? Don't tell me.
I know this one.
A little hint.
Remember? The star method S.
Who are the stars of the supreme court? Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts.
Sometimes Kennedy when he doesn't listen to the ladies, which is a trick you'll learn when you get a little older, right? What is that up there? Grandpa, look out! Oh, man.
Are you good? (Tires screech) (Sighs) Yes.
It's all good.
It's all good.
Hold on a second.
Get back in there.
Sit back down.
Are you sure you're all right? Yes, except for when you karate-chopped me in the chest.
I had to keep your big nugget from leaning forward.
It might have tipped us right into that big hole over there.
That's a really big hole.
It sure is.
We fall in there, we go right to China.
I'd be a communist.
You'd be making sneakers somewhere.
Hold on here a second.
Woman: 911.
What's your emergency? Uh Well, we'd like to report a a missing highway.
(TV chatter) Oh, hey.
They get to the report on the sinkhole yet? No.
(Sighs) Still on the Middle East.
Another part of the world where we're kicking ass and taking names.
(Chuckles) It's funny one thing we know about these terrorists, they sure love the monkey bars.
Right here, right here, right here.
Right there.
There's the sinkhole.
Look at this thing.
Oh, my God, it's huge.
(Chuckling) Yeah.
Honey, why didn't you tell me how big it was? I didn't see it.
My eyes were closed.
I was screaming when I got up to it.
That cover collapse is pretty large for this area.
I hope they've taken a montmorillonite sample from the epikarst.
We get it you're a geologist.
And yet there's a 50/50 chance she's making those terms up.
- Oh, ha ha ha.
- We wouldn't know.
Well, I'm glad you guys didn't go flying off the edge like the end of "Thelma and Louise," dad.
Phew! I actually cried at the end of that.
What a shame what they did to that t-bird.
I can't believe you're not more shaken up about this.
- I mean, look.
You could have died.
- I know.
I know.
I'm kind of used to cheating the old grim reaper.
Remember that time I slipped rock climbing in Chile, capsized that boat in those class-4 rapids in Oregon, and rooting for the Broncos at a bar in Oakland.
- Mm.
- Well I'll tell you, if it happened to me, I'd be halfway through a bottle of wine right now.
So, this happens to you every night about 8:00? Oh, you know what? Hey, you want another chance to cheat the reaper? - Why don't come at me after 8:00? - Okay.
You're a little wobbly.
(Chuckles) I cannot believe the traffic getting home from school today.
Is president Obama in town again.
That would be another kind of disaster.
There was a sinkhole on route 93.
It's all over the news.
The news? Yeah, sorry! If it's not trending on Twitter, it doesn't exist.
Oh, my God! Sinkhole in Denver.
(Chuckles) Somebody made a funny vine of, like, a truck flying in and out of it.
It's right there.
You can actually see it.
Boyd? Buddy? Mike, where's Boyd? Oh, my God, is he Mike: Guys, he's fine.
Boyd, my baby! Thank God you're okay.
Oh, mommy and daddy love you very much, buddy.
So much! Oh, this reminds me of that time I almost got crushed by an anaconda.
Grandpa saved me.
- Oh, yeah? - Good kid.
- Go get your stuff, all right, buddy? - Yeah.
- Mike.
- Yeah.
You saved my son's life today.
Ohh! But why are you punishing me? Why do why this? Why this? Okay.
Just accept it, okay? He's grateful.
We both are.
Oh, and, uh, Vanessa, we have to thank you for today, too.
Oh, well, that's nice, but I wasn't even there.
Oh, no, the reason that Boyd was in any danger at all was because of people like you.
Grandmothers? Ryan, what did we talk about on the ride over here, huh? Uh, the fact that Paxon Energy, your company, has been drilling all over that area, and there is mounting evidence that fracking leads to sinkholes.
(Sighs) But mostly, we talked about you not bringing that up.
Her company almost killed our son! - What?! Oh, come on! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Way out of line there, blaming Paxon Oil for this or Vanessa.
Yeah, thank you.
They never listen to her down there.
You know, I actually do a little better there than I do here.
Look, Ryan, cover-collapse depressions are naturally occurring events.
They have existed forever.
She's right, and before you crying liberals got involved in it, that was just nature's free swimming pools.
Okay, but sinkholes have increased exponentially, and now they're opening up everywhere.
No, no, you're confusing sinkholes with weed stores.
- Maybe we should talk about this later.
- Maybe.
Or maybe Boyd should hear the truth about the world that he is going to inherit.
Why don't we hear your version of the truth, Ryan? What what do they call it in Russia pravda? Look, look, Ryan, there is no evidence linking sinkholes to fracking.
Sure, of course there's not because you work for big energy No! I just meant that And they're in the business of picking and choosing their science to protect their profits.
Where do you get your science Dr.
Bill Maher? Where do you get your science Dr.
Bill O'Reilly? Oh, you know what? Let's not turn this into a Bill-measuring contest.
Why don't we? 'Cause my Bill is a lot bigger than your Bill.
Okay, honey Why even argue, okay? You can't settle anything.
Everyone has their own set of facts and a cable channel to back up the opinion that he already has.
Okay? No wonder nobody knows who's right and who's wrong.
I know who's wrong he's wrong.
Okay, well, what about the other consequences of pumping chemicals into the earth? You mean like lighting and heating our homes? - Uh, no, like earthquakes - Ryan methane released into the atmosphere Bird farts? Fire coming out of the faucets like dragon's breath.
"Fire out of the faucets"? Oh, no, honey.
No, it's fine.
Don't listen to him.
We should all be scared, Mike.
Our world is a ticking time bomb.
You're a ticking time bomb.
Okay, all right.
It's time to go home.
Let's go, sweetie.
I don't want to go out there.
- What if there's another sinkhole? - Oh, no.
Buddy, it is silly to be scared of going outside, okay? Yeah, of course.
Another sinkhole could just as easily open up right here in this room.
What? Unbelievable.
You just terrified our son.
Hey, I got an idea why don't you go upstairs and tell him about the monsters under his bed, 'cause he's got to know the truth, right, comrade? Thank you, sinkhole.
(Smooches) Yes, there's nothing like a natural disaster to bring out the preppies, huh? Preppers.
Preppies wear cardigans around their neck.
Preppers wear the goat they just shot for meat around their neck.
Either way, we're moving a lot of flashlights and survival food.
I'm surprised you're not selling them guns.
What good's a flashlight when the hordes are banging down your door to get your freeze-dried "Kiwi compote"? You've got a well-stocked shelter in your basement, don't you, Mike? Oh, don't even think about it, man.
You're a good friend of mine, but when the end comes, you're just 160 pounds of protein to me.
Well, we're, uh, both on the same page then.
(Clears throat) Listen, people are just overreacting to this stuff.
It's a sinkhole.
It's not the end of time.
My pastor told us that's gonna happen on march 13th.
March 13th? That means we avoid paying taxes in April! Get your congregation over here.
I'll get them through the apocalypse.
And with this water purifier, they can drink their own pee, hmm? Or river water or lake water.
But by all means, use the pee as a selling point.
This is just fear-mongering, and I don't appreciate it, you know? Boyd's dad was over last night, got the kid all whipped up over some environmental stuff.
The kid wouldn't leave my house.
Slept at the foot of my bed.
No, you can't indulge your child in those fears.
It's no big deal.
It actually worked out.
He was warm down there, and my wife's feet are like the polar ice caps.
Which scientists say are melting.
(Chuckles) I accidentally clicked a link on global warming.
I thought it said "gerbil warming.
" What's the scientists' position on gerbil warming? (Sighs) Those websites are disturbing.
There's got to be better ways to warm a gerbil.
In my day, kids were not allowed to be afraid.
I remember once I told my dad I was scared of lightning.
Yeah, next time there was a storm, he made me stand in the backyard Wrapped in tin foil.
The rest of the story's a little fuzzy, but I think we found another way to warm up a gerbil.
(TV chatter) Didn't you already watch this episode? It's the news.
It's different every night.
Sad places, sad people looks like a rerun to me.
(Chuckles) Well, stick around.
You'll learn something about the world.
I know all about the world.
I was already in it while you were still busy ruining mom's body.
(Chuckles) Um Who's the secretary of state? Oh, that's a trick question.
Which state? (Smacks lips) See, you guys all watch the news, you get all angry and stressed-out.
Pop quiz of everybody in this family, who's the happiest and the least stressed? And you can't say the dog.
It's me.
This face will never see a worry wrinkle, which would make me smile, but I'm not going to because, duh, smile lines.
So, your plan is to be clueless? "Ignorance is bliss" Thomas Gray in his "ode on a distant prospect of eton college.
" You get those quote-of-the-day e-mails, don't you? If you know the right things, you don't have to know everything.
Oh, for instance, that whole, like, secretary thingy, they actually don't call them secretaries anymore.
They really prefer "flight attendant.
" Just saying.
Hey, buddy.
No! Boyd! Where where's Boyd? Something short and half-naked just ran downstairs.
Mandy's here, so I guess it was Boyd.
(Sighs) I told him I'd run him a bath, but then he got scared that dragon fire would come out of the faucet.
I'm sorry.
Is that actually a thing? 'Cause I would frown, but that's even worse than smile lines, so Boyd! Hey, come on! Let me in! This isn't safe.
Boyd: Grandpa said the bomb shelter's the safest place in the house! Honey, please.
Please let me in.
Grandpa also said people would beg to be let in.
Kid's got a point.
Joe Biden wishes his bunker was as nice as ours.
That's the vice president, Mandy.
I know who Joe Biden is, okay? He's Barack Obama's Gayle.
Mom (scoffs) all of my sewing stuff is in there.
How am I supposed to make my clothes? Hey! Don't touch any of my stuff! Let's not panic, okay? Yeah, somehow, we'll all have to pull together and survive the great romper famine of 2014.
Look, he'll get hungry and cold.
Sooner or later, he'll open the door.
Mm, I don't know.
There's enough fabric and freeze-dried food in there to keep him warm and fed through middle school.
Great he's gonna go through puberty, and I have mannequins in there.
What? Whoa, don't you look good? Ah, yeah, thank you.
(Chuckles) Hi, honey.
I was actually talking to the cookies.
They're for Boyd.
Why is Boyd still here? Well, he spent the day locked in the bomb shelter.
Somebody told him it's the safest place in the house.
Well, why didn't you just go get him? Well, I'm working on it.
I was hoping to draw him out with the smell of freshly baked cookies.
That's how they lured Saddam Hussein out of that spider hole.
I'll go get him.
Well, I don't think there's any hurry.
The scratching on the door stopped 20 minutes ago.
Hey, you're wasting your time.
I have been asking him to open that door all day.
Boyd, open the door.
Yeah, he probably smelled cookie on your breath.
Come on out of there.
Don't make me drag you up the stairs.
Why? Does your back hurt again? Yeah.
It's 6:00 everything hurts.
So, get out of there.
Come on.
What do got on? There was a bunch of them.
It was cold.
Does it look stupid? I think you were pretty smart to stay in there.
Your mom and dad miss you.
They want you to come home.
But I don't want to go home.
It's safe here.
"It's safe here.
" Why do you keep saying Look, I got to be honest with you, kid.
The world's a scary place, you know? I'd like to tell you a story about me mountain-climbing.
But it's probably too scary.
I don't think I should tell him.
Oh, I don't know.
It's pretty unbelievable.
Yeah, I don't think I should tell him.
Gets more unbelievable every time you tell it.
I'm not gonna tell him.
I'm not gonna tell him.
I want to hear it.
Ple-e-e-ase? No, I can't.
I can't.
All right, I'll tell you.
Listen, I was climbing one time in the Adirondacks, and they had this rock face, and I was climbing.
Well, the guy didn't have me, and I started falling.
Whoa? It's more like (screams) And then I got slammed down on this ledge, saved my life.
Wow! You were really lucky.
Yeah, a lot luckier than the bald eagle I landed on.
Bald eagle? What happened to the sparrow? The bald eagle had eaten the sparrow.
Point is, I wasn't just lucky.
God is looking out for us.
Yeah, just like at the sinkhole.
Remember? Is that true, grandma? Of course it's true.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a scientist.
That's a fact.
Okay? Now, let's go on and take you home.
Okay, grandpa.
You can take me home.
(Chuckles) Should I change? I think you need something to pull the outfit together.
Otherwise, you go in a different direction.
Okay, come on.
Let's go.
Let's get in something right.
Now go upstairs and change into some real clothes, all right? So, first it was a sparrow, then it was an eagle.
What are you gonna land on next an ostrich? You know, I was thinking I'd slip off an ice cliff right onto a harp seal.
Oh, hi.
Has, uh, Boyd calmed down.
(Chuckles sarcastically) Uh, well, he did spend the day hiding in the basement.
Did he come out? Well, you keep taking that kid to the ballet, it's just a matter of time.
He's upstairs getting changed.
Thank you very much.
What did you say to get him out of there? Well, facts didn't work, so we tried a little faith.
More of your bogus "God is watching over us" fairy tale? You mean the basis of Western civilization that fairy tale? The rest of the family's gonna miss you up in heaven, Ryan.
Uh, your dad's gonna take you home, okay? Hey, buddy, I'm gonna take you home, all right? I thought grandpa was gonna take me.
No, you're just gonna come with me.
Then I'm staying here, with grandpa where it's safe.
Buddy, you are safe with me.
You're safe with him.
You'll be all right.
Is God watching over you, too? Well, I don't believe in an anthropomorphic deity, per se.
I recognize a more universal, spiritual connectivity.
Then I'm staying here with grandpa and God! Boyd! Hey! Hey! All right.
What was I supposed to do lie to the kid? No, I think you handled that perfectly.
See? Lying is easy.
Mike: Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
President Richard Nixon once said, "people react to fear, not love.
" Easy for him to say because he was kind of scary and nobody loved him.
But Nixon's right to get people to do what you want, scare the heck out of them.
For example, have a bunch of scientists convince everyone the world's climate is changing.
Now, we used to call that the seasons.
Thank you, Al Gore, not for your inconvenient truth but for your convenient fib that you created the Internet? Wow.
The greatest device in history for spreading fear, half-truths, and videos of cats attacking toddlers.
(Baby cries, cat hisses) Years ago, if a guy put on a robe and stood on a street corner with a sign saying, "the end is near," it was easy to just say he was bananas.
Well, now that same dude can hide behind a slick website in his mom's basement.
And as far as we know, he's Walter cronkite.
I have an idea Let's stop believing the fear-mongers.
Maybe Nixon was wrong.
Maybe people can be motivated by love.
And I bet you will love saving I don't want to spread any fear here.
But if you're a trout, this thing does mean the end is near.
Hey, Mr.
You know, the more I hear you talk about Richard Nixon, the more I think history has given him a raw deal.
He opened China.
(Knock on door) Mike, we made a fortune this weekend from those preppers.
We should pray for another sink Ah! Sink, sink, sink Ah, sink in the bathroom so we can wash our hands.
You should be careful.
Sometimes fire comes out of those.
Thanks, kid.
Mike, can I talk to you for a second? Hey, grandpa, what's black and white and red all over? Uh, uh, just a whole bunch of things.
None of them are funny, okay? What? What's up? What's the big-headed kid doing here? He feels safe with me.
Evidently, I'm buddies with God.
Well, I told you how to handle Boyd, right? You got to send the kid out in the storm wrapped in tin foil.
Yeah, I was gonna do that.
And then I realised I'm not crazy.
Look, I almost had him convinced to go home, and then his dad blew it.
So I get to hear the same joke 80 times in a day.
You got to send the kid packing.
He's got to know you're tough.
He knows I'm tough.
It's his parents that have got to learn to stand up to this.
You know, you should show Boyd a newspaper sometime.
(Chuckles) The kid thinks they're red all over.
Vanessa! Got called into work.
I got a riddle What's 4'4" and making me dinner? Me? That's right.
Head on into the pantry and grab any kind of can as long as it doesn't have a dog's picture on it.
The runt's still following you around everywhere, pa? You know, I used to think it'd be fun having a pet monkey.
Now I think different.
Oh, thank God you're here.
You got to take Boyd off my hands.
Mike, he does not want to come with me, so why don't we just put him in your car and you can follow me to the apartment? Because he won't leave me alone and I don't want to move in with you.
You think I like him spending this much time with you? You just got to make the kid feel safe somehow.
Good luck with that, Sally.
She's showing you no respect right now.
Boyd doesn't respect you, either.
Boyd does respect me.
Not as someone who can protect him.
You got to be bigger than his fears, okay? Mm, that's a tall order for you, Mary.
I get it you're calling me different girl names.
You're catching on, peaches.
Mike, false machismo is not gonna make him feel any safer.
Well, real machismo would be better, but we get what we get.
You scared Boyd with something that he can't control, and you told him that no one up there's looking out for him.
That left you, which actually left me, and I am tired! I don't know how to do what you're asking me to do.
I'm asking you to be a parent.
- I am being a parent.
If you don't - Okay.
Where is he, huh? Kitchen.
Boyd, enough of this already.
You've got school tomorrow.
Boyd: Mommy, I don't want to go home! That's too bad, okay? I am the mom.
No more discussion.
Grandpa, help me! I can't I can't help you.
My back hurts.
It's 6:30 now.
Oh, I'm guessing that should have been me? Yeah, except I don't think she could carry you.
That guy's a joke.
Speaking of jokes What is 5'4" and making my dinner? The guy at Domino's.
Why can't the people in the Middle East keep it together? Why can't Taylor Swift hold on to a boyfriend? Why can't North Korea join the rest of the world community? Why can't Courtney Cox join the "Friends" cast reunion? Why can't Putin keep his shirt on? (Giggles) Why can't Channing Tatum keep his shirt on? Unh-unh-unh-unh.
Who knows what's really important? You do.

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