Last Man Standing s04e16 Episode Script

Three Sundays

"Last Man Standing" was recorded in front of a live studio audience.
(Sighs) Happy Sunday, sir.
And Mrs.
Kyle, we're not married.
We're just having a baby together.
How old-fashioned do you think we are? - Thanks for the lift, honey.
- Yeah.
It's a pleasure driving you anywhere, Eddie.
I don't know how I'm gonna get home without someone telling me I'm too close to the car in front of me.
One car length for every 10 Miles an hour.
Remember, you're carrying precious cargo.
I know.
Your conga drums are in the back.
(Both smooch) All right.
Have a good day.
(Grunting) There we go.
All right.
So, what's this morning's mystery pastry? - Okay, I don't want to give it away - Uh-huh.
but bear in mind, an animal would love to get his claws on this.
I'm gonna go with "bearclaw.
" No, it's an apple fritter.
Get it? Bears fritter away their day eating apples.
What kind of a crazy bear would eat his own claw? It's awfully early for this, son.
(Sighs) Another day is rising on my kingdom.
(Chuckles) I-I treasure the chance to inspect my domain before all the customers arrive, huh? Yeah.
It's beautiful like this.
I wish the store could always be totally empty.
That's a solid business plan.
All right, store opens in an hour.
Take a look around and tell me what you see.
Okay, well, I spy with my little eye Stop it.
Do it right.
Come on.
Um, well, the spacing on the jacket rack is uneven, sir.
That's good.
What else? Oh, there's a mannequin down.
Ooh, never good in the hunting department.
Sends the wrong message.
Looks like his buddy sent him to mannequin heaven, huh? Oh, no.
Mannequins don't go to heaven, sir.
They're not people or owls.
Ah, I see.
I know these Sunday morning walk-throughs are important to you, but I do miss going to church.
And my pastor brought up that I've been missing a lot of services.
Hmm, well, tell your pastor you work Sundays and that he sounds a little pushy.
Huh? Did I ever tell you about the time I met Sammy Davis Jr.
? It was in the produce department of a supermarket in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.
That's when I realized you never slap a guy with a glass eye on the back, no.
(Stammers) E-especially near the grapes.
I mean (Chuckles) Oh-ho-ho.
(Laughter) Hey.
What's so funny? Can't be anything your mom said.
You know, insulting the person making your stew? That is pretty "stew-pid.
" (Chuckles) You just make my point.
Really, what's so funny? Mandy's just showing us selfies on her phone.
Mandy: I'm not showing them all my selfies.
Don't scroll too far to the right please.
Ew, ew, ew.
Thank you.
Okay, #sundaydinner withmybeautifulfam.
Dad! No, you're in my shot.
The most over-documented generation ever.
Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, only took five pictures of himself.
Mandy takes five of herself just walking out the door.
Ah, to be fair, many of my fashion choices are a giant leap for mankind.
Wait, so, that Armstrong guy walked on the moon and he won the tour de France? Maybe I should try steroids.
You should try something.
You know what? I agree with you about selfies.
The Internet is cluttered with worthless images.
Worthless? Try telling that to my 50 likes.
(Chuckles) Actually, I do take a lot of selfies when I'm driving my beer truck.
But I'm using them to make a statement.
What's the statement? "I drive an 18-wheeler with my knee"? You know what? You need to be careful when you're on the road.
We wouldn't want anything to happen to all that cold beer.
I pull over along my route and I take these protests selfies.
He's drawing attention to various injustices.
Ooh, thanks.
This is me at Warren Air Force Base, where we stockpile our nukes.
Nice job, hippie.
Why don't you just draw ISIS a map? And this is me in front of the "our lady of the rockies" statue in Butte, Montana.
"These mountains already had religion"? - Mm-hmm.
- What? Yeah, a group of christians put up a It's in mountains sacred to native Americans, okay? - It's an affront.
- Mm.
I don't know.
Any woman willing to give birth without getting to have sex deserves a statue.
It's not cool to disrespect anyone's mom.
Especially Jesus'.
It is the native Americans who have been disrespected, okay? I'm just spreading the word like you do with your Vlogs, Mike.
I just sell hunting and camping gear.
While criticizing the failed policies of our president.
So the Vlogs work.
You admit he failed.
Oh, man, Ryan, you only got two likes? That's really sad.
You got to up your hashtag game.
Try stuff like #hot, #love, #side-boob.
#goingtohellfortalkingabout virginmaryandside-boobs.
It's not fair that he can say whatever he wants about Jesus and his 90-foot mom.
The first amendment, kid free speech.
You know, even if it's the speech of a jackass.
Do I have an amendment for my freedom of religion? (Chuckling) It's the same one.
You can practice whatever religion you want.
Nobody can tell you any different.
Oh, thanks, Mr.
I-I didn't write it.
You know what? And thank you for supporting my right to be a jackass and speak my mind.
It means a lot to me.
And I'll call you a jackass anytime you want me to.
" Sounds like Ryan's got a new nickname, Mr.
(Chuckling) That's just 'cause dumbass was taken.
(Chuckling) Oh, man, you dodged a bullet there, Ryan.
Hey, dad, a couple more things about the restaurant.
So, for the liquor license, we need to decide between just beer and wine or a full bar.
We're getting people used to yak meat full bar.
Oh, I'll get on it.
Oh, and the contractor thinks that we should close the store for two full days while we demo.
Ed's too cheap for that.
I have a hard time getting him to shut the place down at night.
Go to the warehouse, we'll just get the barriers up that say "pardon our mess.
" Or better yet, borrow them from the White House.
Hey, Mr.
Alzate, I wanted to talk to you about our Sunday-morning walk-throughs.
Yes, me too, Kyle.
No more apple fritters.
All right? I didn't realize how important that bran muffin was to the rest of my week.
No, I've decided I'm not coming in on Sundays anymore.
It's the lord's day of rest.
Yes, it's the lord's day of rest.
You create the universe in six days, you can take Sunday off, too.
But I want to exercise my freedom of religion.
Where are you getting this nonsense? The constitution.
And an even higher authority Mr.
Well, I admire this new assertive attitude.
It's exactly the kind of thing I'll look for in the guy I hire to replace you.
So you're saying no? Don't worry.
I'll put in a good word for you with the lord.
All right? Chances are I'll be seeing him before you do.
Unless you keep bugging me about this.
But you can't do that.
Please, please, end of discussion.
- Ed.
- Yeah? I need to talk to you about whoa! What? Did you rob a pharmacy? Mm.
I require a lot of maintenance.
I want to talk about the Outdoor Man Grill.
Excuse us for a minute.
No, Mike, I've got a headache.
Hey, I-I'll pray for your headache, Mr.
If God even remembers who I am.
What's with the kid? Oh, Kyle wants Sunday off.
Someone put it in his head that it's his constitutional right.
So what's the problem letting him have Sunday off? You could get somebody else to come by the store and read stories to the trout.
It's a slippery slope, Mike.
People like slippery slopes.
Just try to go to vail on the weekend.
If I give Kyle the day off, everybody else will want their holiday, and this hanukkah can pop up anytime.
They're always moving it around.
I don't trust it.
You give guys the day off to go to the Broncos games.
That's 16 times a year.
Well, let's not forget the one playoff game.
What's really going on with you right now? I'm trying to run a business.
Yeah? Kyle works Sundays, and that's it! Well, if you get cranky about it, maybe I'll take the rest of the day off.
I think it actually is hanukkah.
Guys, check it out Because of my advice, Ryan is up to 2,000 followers for his protest against statues.
What? That's only 27 million less than that chain-smoking baby on the Internet.
Babies can smoke? Yes, Boyd.
Because constantly throwing up and pooping doesn't make them disgusting enough.
Why don't you go upstairs and play before dinner, okay? Okay.
It's great that Ryan's selfies are starting to have an impact.
He's been traveling so much, he's had to neglect his other causes.
I know.
Now's the time to chop down the rainforests and pig out on dolphin.
Do not say that around dad.
He'll want to serve dolphin burgers at Outdoor Man Grill.
Vanessa: All right, you know what? Let's get politics out before dinner because I am making a Greek salad here, which somehow your father will turn into a lecture on the decline of the euro.
I've noticed a decline in Euros lately, too.
I think they're getting really stingy with that yogurt sauce.
Well, look who's all dressed up.
Wow! Yeah.
Who died? Jesus.
Yeah, for our sins.
But then he came back.
There's a whole book about it.
How was church, babe? Oh, real good.
I hadn't been to a Sunday morning service in months.
And the sermon was great.
We are all doomed.
Hey, babe, I thought you were on a delivery run to Yuma.
I have been suspended.
My protest pics have come to the attention of the man.
And the man is coming down on me, man.
Oh, I am really sorry to hear that, man.
Oh, God, now you got me saying it.
Maybe you shouldn't have gone up against God.
He can be very vengeful.
I thought that God was pure love.
Yeah, but he's not a big wuss about it.
Wait, wait, wait.
How long are you gonna be suspended? Just till I take down the protest selfies.
You know, and finally when I'm starting to connect with people, they take away my voice.
You're like the little mermaid of beer-truck drivers.
Grocery store was packed.
Hey, what are you doing here? Good to see you, too, Mike.
Kris said you couldn't make it to Sunday dinner.
The only vegetable I got was chicken.
Ryan got suspended over his protest selfies.
Yeah, he had to turn in his beaded backrest and his tiny, little pine-tree air freshener.
What are you gonna do? You cannot lose that job.
I am gonna cave and take down the photos.
That's a good choice.
I thought you supported my right to free speech, Mike? I do, but I also support your company's right to tell you to stuff it.
You know, you probably shouldn't have worn your uniform in the selfies, genius.
Not a lot of protests are corporate sponsored.
Beer drinkers don't want to know about world problems.
That's why they drink beer.
You get to do your Vlogs and express your opinion whenever you want.
That's because management approves of my message.
Of course, you're management.
Well, that does streamline the approval process.
So, in America, if you really want to have free speech, you need to be the boss.
Oh, look, Canada boy just figured out America.
Maybe instead of picking a fight with God, you could have come with me to church.
And the choir could have used another tenor on "old rugged cross.
" I'm really proud of Kyle.
He stood up to Mr.
Alzate and exercised his right to worship as he sees fit.
I didn't go with him because I didn't see fit.
Good for you, Kyle.
- Thanks, Mr.
- Yeah.
Wait, so you support him for standing up to Ed, but I have to roll over for my boss? Bigger fan of Jesus than lefty politics.
What? Jesus was the original lefty.
I don't think I'd let the hair and the sandals fool you.
He had a lot of run-ins with big government.
Well, thank you very much for your support, Mike.
I'm back to saying that sarcastically.
Honey, honey, why don't you come help me light the grill? Come on.
You know how to light the grill.
You're gonna trust me to touch your man stove? - Okay.
- Come.
(Sighs) It's all right, Ryan.
Not everyone is lucky enough to be a smoking baby.
You know, Mike, both of those boys are desperate for your approval.
What are you talking about? All I do around here is dole out praise.
By the way, you're doing this wrong.
You're gonna blow yourself up.
You got to vent it.
Go ahead.
Neither of them has had much of a father in his life.
And it's really hard for Ryan when you favor Kyle.
I know.
It's sad.
Yes, I know.
I feel for Ryan.
No, it's sad for me.
If I'm choosing Kyle, it just shows how bad my options are.
Morning, Kyle.
Morning, Mr.
- Hey, Ed.
- Hmm? Why is Kyle washing your truck in a bear costume? 'Cause my car's dirty and it's funny.
Ed, that's true, but why the bikini? Sex sells, Mikey.
Kind of hard on Kyle these days, aren't you? We walk the store together Sunday mornings.
It's important, right? He just wants to observe the sabbath, right? Yeah, well, he can observe it through the eye holes of a bear suit.
He's lucky he still has a job.
He's lucky a male bear doesn't see him in that bikini.
Ed, come on.
What's happening with you? It's nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
Okay, Kyle can have Sundays off.
Now can you just leave me alone? Ed, what's up? (Sighs) Wendi lost the baby.
It happened a few days ago.
It was always a long shot.
I guess I was I was stupid to get my hopes up.
I'm sorry, Ed.
It was gonna be a boy, too.
(Chuckles) My one and only son.
Anything I can do? Yeah, you can leave me alone.
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
I want to talk to you today about an epidemic sweeping this country.
And I don't mean the "One Direction infection.
" (Laughter) I'm talking about dads who've abandoned their kids.
Really, calling you "dads" is way too generous.
You came to the party, but didn't stick around to clean up the mess.
That's right.
Your kid's a mess.
And it's your fault.
Boys from fatherless homes are more likely to drop out of school, use drugs, and not send you an ugly tie on father's day.
They need dads, dads to teach them how to be men.
Stuff like throwing a ball, shaving correctly, giving a firm handshake.
And the most important lesson showing the hell up.
Running out on your son is a slap in the face to all men, especially men who never had a chance to raise one.
Curious Six of our last eight presidents only had daughters.
Maybe it's something about powerful, successful men.
Did I mention that I have three daughters? Huh.
One more than Obama.
But you absentee fathers still have time to make things right.
Come down to Outdoor Man for the "deadbeat dad day.
" Show us the court order you're in violation of and we'll give you 15% off and a kick in the ass.
I'll throw that in for free.
Buy a fishing pole, take him fishing.
Buy him a tent and take him camping.
Buy a boat because, damn it, we need to sell some boats.
Maybe one day your son will invite you to his high-school graduation.
You might have to wear an ugly tie, but you'll wear it proudly, 'cause you earned it.
Hey, you wanted to see me, Mr.
B? Come on in.
What happened to your bikini? Oh, I took it off.
I looked ridiculous.
Uh, listen, pull up an iceberg.
I got good news for you.
You don't have to work Sunday anymore.
And this is okay with Mr.
Alzate? It was his idea.
And he didn't come by that decision easily.
I guess he likes walking around the store with you on Sunday.
That's like church to him.
But I mean, he can get anybody to walk the floor with him.
I guess he likes walking around with you.
Really? Sometimes we're more important to people than we really know.
But you're getting out of the bear costume now.
Thank you.
This thing is so hot.
I don't know how polar bears wear them.
You know, that must be why global warming makes them so sad.
Some people think that's a myth.
You can't fool me, Mr.
Unlike reindeer, polar bears are real.
(Knock on door) Dad.
Hey, Kris.
I wasn't expecting you.
You weren't expecting Boyd.
You learned to love him.
Yeah I'm actually here to see Ryan.
Is he in one of the two places in this apartment that I can't see? (Sighs) Honey? Will you be gentle, okay? Those protests were really important to him.
It was like his boss took away a part of who he is.
The part that nobody likes.
Hey, Mike.
To what do we owe this pleasure? Now, why would you think this was going to be a pleasure? I hate to do this to you, but I got to get to work, okay? Love you.
I better not come home to find my fiancé in that bag.
I make no promises, honey.
What's up? Why did you give up so quickly on taking those selfies? That is important to you, right? You told me I was doing the right thing.
Now I'm really confused, Mike.
You're a lefty vegetarian.
You're a lot confused.
What if I told you I have a way that you could take the pictures and keep your job? I'd say you were a genius.
Go ahead.
Say it.
I want to hear it.
You're a genius.
What are you doing? Nobody likes a suck-up.
How stupid do you think I am? I put that on, you're gonna try and shoot me.
Seriously? You want me to wear this bear head? You're lucky I didn't bring the bikini that goes with it.
With this bear head on, you can take your pictures anonymously.
Don't think of it as a silly costume.
Think of it as more of a marketing tool.
Isn't it cowardly not to show my face? With that face, you're doing people a favor, really.
I mean, polar bears do represent the destruction of the planet.
There you go.
Didn't take you long to turn that into a bummer.
From a branding point of view, it's more effective this way.
"A bear that cares.
" It's better than "cryin' Ryan from Canada.
" (Chuckles) Why are you doing this, Mike? Because you have a son.
And you should show him what a man looks like that stands up for his principles.
Apparently like a bear.
I'll give it a shot.
There's velcro in there.
Try it on.
See if it fits.
All right.
(Sniffs) What the hell? Oh, pfft! You should air it out.
I might have farted in it.
That's for taking a shot at the Virgin Mary.
(Sighs) (Clears throat) (Birds chirping) Good morning, Mr.
Kyle, what are you doing here? Wait, isn't this Sunday, or did I take all of my wrong pills this morning.
I-I came to walk the store with you and I brought you your bran muffin.
What's the lord gonna say about this? He'd say I'm doing his work, keeping Mr.
Alzate regular.
Those muffins work in mysterious ways.
(Chuckles) I'm glad you could make it, son.
- Me too.
- Yeah.
Okay, look, if we walk through the store quickly, all right, you can be done in time for your 11:00 church service.
Are you sure? Sure, I know God wants you all to himself today.
But I don't mind sharing.
I can be the bigger man.
I spy a terrific guy.
Come on.
It's awfully early for that.
Did I ever tell you about the time I ran into Sammy Davis Jr.
at the supermarket, hmm? Oh, after the show at the Latin casino in Cherry Hill, New Jersey? Nope.
I'd love to hear it.
All right, so, Sammy was at the produce section, right? And he complained that the bananas were a little soft, so I suggested that he take them to see a Mamie Van Doren movie.
(Laughs) Sammy And Sammy just lost it.

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