Last Man Standing s04e22 Episode Script

Daddy Dearest

"Last Man Standing" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hi, guys.
Hi, honey.
Where do we want Ryan's dad to sit? As far away from me as possible.
Listen, try to keep an open mind.
Ryan's dad, Canadian college Professor? The jaws of life couldn't pry this nugget open.
Where's Ryan's mom gonna sit? In Winnipeg.
They're divorced.
Got a couple more RSVP's for Kristin's wedding.
Well, it's about time.
We need to get a head count.
Yeah, well, so far, all 45 of Ryan's side have responded "yes.
" Our side only has 16, so you do the math.
Seriously, please don't make me do math.
This is terrible.
We're getting beaten by the Canadians.
There's something you never hear outside of hockey.
Oh, and here are two more from our side.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
And they both say "no.
" Although one of them would still like the chicken, if that's possible.
I don't believe our friends and relatives.
We can't get these losers to drive they're coming from every part of Canada even the parts where they travel by dog.
Maybe you should save some of this for your wedding toast.
I'll get it.
Honey? This is Ryan's dad, so be nice and treat him like family.
I can't do both of those.
Are you sure they don't need you at the store tonight? Hello, Baxters! Aah! What the hell are you doing? I like to photograph people when they first meet Victor Vogelson.
Sometimes, I wish I weren't me so I could have the pleasure of meeting me.
Well, well, well.
I think maybe they do need me at work.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
Uh, he's kidding, he's kidding.
Um, so, uh, it's nice to finally meet you, Victor.
Oh, it's nice to meet you, as well.
Mike, why do you want to be the Outdoor Man? If Vanessa were my wife, I'd want to be the indoor man, doing indoor things.
Okay, okay.
Those are those are some fun words to say.
Um Welcome to, uh, to Denver.
Thank you.
It's a beautiful city.
Mountains, clean, fresh air.
It's like Denver's trying really hard to be Canada.
"Trying hard" and "Canada" two things you never hear in the same sentence.
For you Winnipeg's finest.
Look at that a six-pack with three in it.
Must be metric.
Actually, I had time to kill on my layover.
You had a direct flight.
I know, but "on my layover" sounds better than "in the men's room.
" Speaking of which, where's yours? I have something else I brought from Canada.
Uh, it's just it's right, uh So, that's my dad.
Well, you know what? I think he's fun.
I think we built the wall on the wrong border.
I am really glad that you're doing this, Ryan.
It's good that you guys spend some time together.
Yeah, well, he never had time for me my whole life, so I gave up on him.
But you said you wanted to put that all behind you.
I do.
I want to make peace with my dad before it's too late.
Make it sound like the guy's dying.
Uh, actually, he is.
What? He's terminally ill.
Kind of wish I'd gone to work.
my body's riddled with disease.
They've given me two months, but I could go at any time.
Which means you'd better hurry up and pass those green beans.
Actually, I thought I'd go straight for the pie.
One of the many joys of dying is eating whatever you want.
Oh, well, I hope you like it.
It's a new recipe.
Me too, 'cause it could be the last pie I ever have.
Good time for you to experiment.
I really like your attitude, Mr.
I hope I'm this chipper when I'm about to croak.
- Eve! Come on.
- What? All of you can talk about death, but when the cute, little teenager does, suddenly it's insensitive? So, you're an English Professor.
That's amazing.
You know what? It's funny.
I actually have this English paper that's due, and I was just thinking Seriously.
Mandy? I am giving him a chance to make one final statement in his field.
Um, you can half-ass it.
I'm fine with a "C.
" Thanks.
Dad, one of the reasons why I wanted you to come to Denver was to get a second opinion from a doctor here.
Right, the medical system here works on a profit, so the doctors have a reason to keep you going.
Oh, thank you, but I-I've made peace with the death sentence I've been given.
Ohhh! Do you hear this man? I just it's so beautiful.
He's completely resigned.
He didn't resign.
God fired him.
You know what? That pie recipe said "serve with whipped cream," and, damn it, I am whipping you some cream.
Listen, Victor, one of my good friends is an oncologist.
I can get you in to see him.
Yeah, get a thorough checkup.
What could it hurt? Well, you've obviously never had a prostate exam.
Chegley he's great.
His fingers are slender as pencils.
I think I'd rather spend the time I have left getting to know my son better, not hanging out with doctors.
I'm sure you get that, Mike, right? How would you want to spend your final days? Uh, w you know, certainly with my closest buddies, huntin'.
Well, that's, uh, fine with me.
I mean, let them bury you.
I'll be in Paris.
Hunting that's perfect.
It's so primitive and primal.
Reconnecting with mother earth before being lowered into her.
Well, my business partner and I are going up to his cabin to hunt this weekend.
Why don't you join? Fantastic.
Surrounded by the glory of nature, we'll hunt and bond.
Son, what do you say? Come with us.
- No him? - Me? No, I don't hunt.
You don't know me at all.
That's kind of the point.
That's why I'm here.
Remember, I am dying.
Boy, you really play that death card, don't you? Works great in the clubs.
I haven't gone home alone in weeks.
That's a really good pickup line "Honey, you want to be my last?" That works.
I mean, I don't want to go into details, but that works.
Mike doesn't want me coming along.
Trust me, I'm a big bummer on a hunting trip.
You're a big bummer on a lot of things.
If you'll go to see my oncologist, Ryan can come along with us.
What do you guys think? All right.
But I am not gonna shoot anything.
Except for maybe a few pictures, 'cause this time of year, the wildflowers are spectacular.
Sure you want to get to know him, huh? It was surprisingly gracious of you to invite Victor and Ryan on your hunting trip.
I blame it on strong Canadian beer.
Oh, admit it you have a soft spot for Ryan.
You want to help those two try to patch things up.
I was just thinking about all the time I spent with my dad, and I thought to myself, "why should Ryan get off so easy?" We're here.
How'd it go with Dr.
Chegley? Oh, he's gonna call with the test results.
Yeah, and you were right about his hands.
For all I know, he might still be back there.
More more fun words.
I left some homemade snacks in the car.
I made my special granola.
This is what happens when you don't teach your kid about sports.
Thanks again for introducing me to your doctor friend, Mike.
You're welcome.
I'm afraid there's really no point.
Oh, there's always hope.
Oh, there's a tremendous amount of hope.
I'm not actually sick.
You'll find out when Chegley's tests come back, so I may as well tell you now.
Um There's nothing wrong with me.
You told your kid that you were dying, you told my whole family you're dying, so there's definitely something wrong with you.
I was sick, and I called Ryan when I first got the diagnosis, and for the first time in years, he called me back.
He even invited me down here to spend time with him.
You got to tell the kid the truth.
You know, he's gonna notice in a year that you're not dead.
Please don't ruin this.
Ryan is finally talking to me.
I promise I'll tell him when the time is right.
Well, the time was right before I asked you two fools to go hunting with me.
All set.
You know, I'm really glad we're doing this, dad.
Me too.
And thanks for making it happen, Mike.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Let's go kill some stuff.
Please tell me you've got a small gun in there.
Oh, no.
It's my mandolin.
I memorized every verse of "American pie.
" Well, you play that, this will be the day that you die.
Oh, man.
It's great to be back.
This is the first time since that crazy weekend wendi and I cleaned out the adult pleasure store.
Just Give me a minute.
Just clean up.
Don't play with anything.
This is breathtaking! Oh.
Hey, dad.
Let me grab that for you.
Oh! Save your strength.
I'm dying.
Oh, but I don't want to be a burden here.
I'll make my own drinks.
Somebody brought sour mix, right? You're not gonna have any drinks.
You're gonna take your son for a walk and tell him the truth.
Mike, a drink would really help me.
A shrink would really help you, but we didn't pack one of those.
All right.
Welcome, campers.
Uh, two house rules one, the big coffee mug is mine, and nobody dies here, all right? I want to be able to sell this place to asians.
You know, he's not kidding about that.
They pay cash, but they're squirrelly about death.
Okay, let's stay positive.
Nobody's going to die here.
I know that message is meant that for your dad, but it's helpful for Ed, too.
Uh, dad.
Yeah? I-I was gonna wait till tonight, but, uh, I want to read you something.
It's a poem that I wrote.
What's the fastest-acting booze you got? Some of this will be hard to hear.
He's not kidding.
He's got four stanzas about trying to play catch with a tombstone.
I'll just drink it out of the bottle.
Um, it gets a little dark, but it ends in a good place, just like I hope you and I will.
I call it "poppa.
" All right, all right, all right.
This has got to stop.
We're on the verge of a breakthrough.
You're on the verge of a severe beating.
You want to know the bad news? Your dad's not sick.
There's nothing wrong with him.
What? He's not dying? Why did he get to ride shotgun? It's true.
I let you believe that I was still sick because I thought it was the only way to get you to see me again.
Now, how about that poem? Unbelievable.
You know, you have always been a self-centered liar, but this time, you've really outdone yourself.
I know you didn't mean that as a compliment, but I'm gonna take it as one, just to keep things loving between us.
And you will never change.
All right, that's your fault.
There's a vacuum cleaner in the closet, all right? Wait.
Just Let me quickly check the attachments first.
Don't try to get me to go back in there and talk to him.
No, I just came out to thank you for ripping up that poetry.
Listen, there's a little motel in town.
I could take you down there.
No reason to spend any more time with your dad.
Of course you would do that for me.
You've been more a father than he's ever been.
You know, that's sad, actually, since all I do is pick on you.
Grab your stuff.
Am I really supposed to believe that he lied to me about dying so he could get closer to me? He says it works for him in bars.
When I thought I was losing him, I was so sad, and now I have him back, and I'm just mad.
Really can't stop the poetry, can you? See, he never worked this hard to spend time with me before.
Well, I guess that counts for something? I just wish he was different, you know? We can't pick our fathers, you know.
Lord knows I've tried.
I used to send heartfelt letters to Mickey Mantle.
All right, what do I do? Do I go back in there and give him another shot? It's your call, Ryan.
All right.
How old were you when you wrote letters to Mickey Mantle? From about 10 till 31.
So, you never even sent your RSVP? Did you notice the return envelope with the stamp already on it? You used it to pay your cable bill? W why why would you even admit that to me? Oh, you know what? No.
N E-enjoy your 500 channels, Doris.
That was your great-aunt Doris.
She says hi.
Who needs her? There's bound to be someone else there who smells bad.
You know, mom, if you want to win this popularity contest with Ryan Mandy, you know what? No, that is not what this is.
But go on.
I have over 2,000 Instagram followers.
I could fill that church.
'Course, they would all be there ironically.
I'll get it.
Your hipster friends or Canadians I wonder who'd have more beards and scarves.
- Hey.
Hi, Chuck.
- Hey.
- Come on in.
- Hey.
What's going on, Vanessa? It sounded important.
Oh, it's very, very important.
Uh, listen, Chuck.
I, uh, I wanted to hand-deliver this wedding invitation.
I don't know if it counts as delivering since you made me walk over here.
So, I can count on you and Carol and Brandon? A-and, oh, you each get a plus-one.
Sounds kind of last-minute.
Isn't Kristin's wedding like a week from now? No, it's it's eight or nine days.
It's Uh-huh.
Sounds like we're on the b-list.
Hey, hey.
I-I-if you do this for me, then you don't have to return Mike's drill.
Carol and I were saving the date, but the invitation never came, so we got tickets to the Denver symphony.
I'll buy the tickets off you.
I don't know.
The symphony's doing "Bolero.
" Carol and I enjoy it.
It's very sensuous.
I'll get the band to play it.
But, uh have them play it early.
We may want to take off.
The worst day hunting ever! Yeah.
We see one turkey, and this guy's phone goes off.
And in answer to your ringtone No, I do not think you're sexy.
I want to thank you, Mike, for ushering Ryan and me into a new relationship of honesty.
I'd say it's my pleasure, but you just did a big speech on honesty.
And I want to keep it going.
Ryan I wasn't at the hospital the day you were born.
I was in bed with your aunt Marie.
I can get that.
Hospitals aren't for everybody.
Dear God.
Why are you telling me this? Don't you get it? He's nuts! I want to get it all out so there are no more secrets between us.
Do you remember when you were 10 and I told you I brought your puppy to a farm? Yeah, I figured that one out, all right? Buster died.
It's fine.
I gave him to your half-sister.
Oh, that's another thing you have a half-sister.
Aunt Marie's daughter.
Tammy, my cousin? Not anymore.
Although she continues to be a wonderful mother to Buster.
You hear that? Your puppy's alive! You know, that's it.
I'm hiking down to town.
I can't do this.
I thought I could.
I can't.
Ryan, wait! Don't go.
There's something I have to tell you.
I'm dying.
I never want to see you again.
Or aunt Marie.
You're dying? Really? You realize we've heard that one before? Except this time It really is true.
When the phone rang and scared off that turkey, it was Dr.
Chegley calling with my test results.
They don't give that information over the phone.
They didn't have to.
He asked if he could see me in his office on Monday.
What time? First thing.
My condolences.
That couldn't have been an easy call to get.
Yeah, but I'm saying, we're hunting.
He could've put the phone on "vibrate.
" All right, I think you know by now that Ryan is not coming back, all right? Thanks.
All right.
Now, I don't mean to be rude, but Why the hell are you still here? This day has not gone as I'd hoped.
The only ones happy about this hunting trip are the turkeys.
I have an incurable disease.
My son hates me.
Don't leave us out.
There's only one thing left to do that makes any sense.
I want one of you to shoot me.
Finally a plan I can get behind.
All right.
Let's do rock, paper, scissors.
I got rock and paper right here.
I'm serious! Your son's getting married in a week.
Which is why it's best that you shoot me now.
I don't want to ruin the wedding.
Is this your way of getting out of paying for the rehearsal dinner? I want Ryan to get the money from my life insurance.
The policy expires in a month.
I don't want to risk not being dead by then.
The man is sick.
Why not let him go out the way he wants? Nobody's shooting anybody.
Well, in that case, I'm going to bed.
Good night.
And if Mike changes his mind, goodbye.
He's gone.
Now's your chance.
No witnesses.
You know, I hate guys like you.
You take your son for granted.
You know, a lot of us don't have sons.
I'd like to have a son.
I love my daughters, blah, blah, blah.
Which is not their names, by the way.
But having a son is special, you know? And you don't even care about that.
Ah, I see.
You're gonna scold me to death.
I get it, Mike.
I wasn't the perfect father.
You're no Mickey Mantle.
I was never there for Ryan, and now I'm running out of time.
I thought maybe the insurance money would make up for that in some way.
It would make up for that if you and Ryan could get to a good place.
I don't know how to do that.
Stop being such a jackass and be a father.
Yeah? Hey, Ryan.
What? Slow down.
All right, right, right.
I-I know exactly where that is.
I'll be right there.
Just calm down.
Your kid slipped, and he fell.
Is he okay? He hurt his foot.
I hope it's not the one he usually puts in his mouth.
I'm going with you.
I thought you wanted to die.
And if you do, you walk that way about 50 feet.
There's a cliff.
You'll d did I say "50"? 100.
I-I don't want to do that anymore.
I just want to see with my own two eyes if my son is okay.
You know what that sounds like? That sounds like being a father.
Lead the way.
Okay, that was your father.
He said they should be back any second.
Poor Ryan.
Six hours in the E.
with a broken foot? Yeah, six hours.
I'm surprised your dad didn't just put him down.
At least now we won't have to do that choreographed wedding dance that he wants to put on YouTube.
Honey, you know what? Maybe we should postpone the wedding you know, give Ryan's foot time to heal and give me a chance to really pack our side of the church.
W-w no.
What if Ryan's dad dies in the meantime? Kristin, there is no perfect plan.
We are not postponing this wedding, okay? If we wait any longer, I'll be the "something old.
" Clear the path! Injured man coming through! Oh, honey! Look at you! He's fine.
Not this one.
Ryan's fine.
Where's your mom? In the kitchen.
Don't worry.
I'm still gonna be ready for that YouTube dance.
Oh, don't push it.
Just take as long as you need to heal.
Oh, let's get that foot elevated.
Here, I got it.
I got it.
I'm sorry, but you have the rest of your life to take care of him.
Actually, I do, too, but for me, that could be Thursday.
Uh, can I get you anything? Nope.
I think I got everything I need right here.
Oh, man.
I just you know.
I visualized every part of this moment.
Except maybe the broken foot.
That was me.
Hey, babe, I'm starving.
Oh, I think there's some soup.
I'll get it.
O frabjous day! Callooh, callay! I've got my son back, and he wants soup! And to think I had a clear shot and his permission.
So, it looks like things are finally good between you and your dad.
Yeah, well, I have Mike to thank for that.
Look, I don't know what you said up at the cabin, but it really made a difference.
I said what any guy would say "look, step up and be a father, and no, I will not shoot you in the face.
" Well, thanks.
You know, I could've done worse than to have a father like you.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode