Last Man Standing s05e15 Episode Script

Home Sweet Loan

There is so much fine print on this lease.
Maybe we should have a lawyer look at it before we sign it.
Yeah, good call.
'Cause if you can't trust a lawyer to be straightforward, who can you trust? Hey! There are my two favorite men.
Thanks for that, babe.
You were a lot nicer as a blonde.
All right, all right.
How was the park? I bet it was packed on a warm day like this.
Actually, we like it when it's like 5 below.
That way, when the kids cry, their eyes freeze shut.
Yeah, but if it's too cold, there's no girls there.
Don Juan here saw a girl, told her she was pretty.
That's so sweet.
Well, I hope you also told her that she was strong and smart and important.
Uh, she was wearing her mittens on the wrong hands, so "smart" never even came up.
I just thought she was pretty.
Oh, well, you can think that, son, but you should never tell a woman that she's pretty.
And that's why you're third on my list of favorite men.
Well, at least he's on a list of men.
I am a proud feminist, and one of the things I stress when homeschooling Boyd is that he should appreciate a woman for her mind.
Great then he'll be the kid in college the other girls share their feelings with While they're sleeping with other men.
Is this a lease? What, are you guys getting out of this dump? The lease is actually for this dump.
Or, as we like to call it, our home.
If we sign up for another two years, we can save $100 a month.
There's 5% savings right there.
Maybe you should consider a target card.
Well, I know that doesn't sound like much money to you, Mike.
It's a lot of money.
That's why I have a target card.
I thought you guys were thinking of moving out and buying a house.
Boyd would be able to play in a yard instead of going to the park to look at girls'Minds.
Yeah, we're not really in a rush.
We have a five-year plan.
Well, sometimes, plans don't work out like that.
I had a four-year plan with Obama.
It's turned into an eight-year nightmare.
My nightmare is being buried alive, and yours is eight years of prosperity? That's weird.
I just don't like the guy.
Get off my back.
Dad, we looked, but we couldn't find a house that we both liked.
Yeah, it's like they're either gone too fast or they were falling apart.
It's either like, "ah, rats.
Somebody got it," or it's just like, "Eww! Rats.
" Do me a favor don't sign that lease yet.
Let me have my guys look.
I think I can find you guys the perfect house.
Of course you think that, 'cause you're the great Mike Baxter.
Yeah, you can butter me up all you want, but you're not getting ahold of my target card.
Check out this house I found for Kris.
Look at the price.
Do you believe that? No, I can't.
Is that a lot or a little? I'm sorry I'm rich.
Well, in this market, that's a great price.
And I also have a $50,000 toaster you might like.
You know how much I paid for my first house? No.
You probably gave the Indians a bag of beads.
And a thunder stick.
It was a kit.
Wish it came with a wife, because my first one did not work out.
Hey, dad.
Got your text.
What's up? Look what I found, my buddies and I.
Found you a beautiful little craftsman three bedroom, two bath.
And believe me, after a plate of brussels sprouts, that second bath is a marriage-saver.
And look at that price.
I know.
Apparently, that's a good price.
Yes, I know.
I was confused at first, too.
Ed, could you go be rich someplace else? This is too good to be true, okay? It's a cute little house in a great neighborhood.
It's gonna turn into a bidding war.
It's not on M.
My buddy said they want a quick sale.
She's lived here for 65 years a sweet old woman.
We got to take advantage of that.
Dad, you're amazing.
Well, that's why your husband always calls me the great Mike Baxter.
Unh-unh-unh! Why are you down here? What did you do? You mess with my shipping labels? Did you glue all my zippers together? Oh, my God.
You didn't try anything on, did you? Uh, I flossed my teeth with some blue thread, but I put it back.
You don't own our family basement.
It's not our basement.
It's my space, where I do my work.
Ah, yes, the noble work of fashion Making dumb people look pretty.
Okay, get out! Put that down! Get out! Hey! Get out! Hey, I am! I have every right to be in our basement! Way to be firm.
Mice can be super-territorial.
This is sister stuff.
Oh, I get that.
My brothers used to mess with me all the time.
I'm the youngest, too.
It's not easy, is it? Nope.
A lot of noogies and purple nurples.
One time, my brothers locked me in the closet with a street dog.
We do not keep in touch.
Me and my brothers.
I love that street dog.
That blows.
A big brother should look out for you.
You know, since you and Mandy are, like, getting married and all, technically, you're my big brother.
That's right! Yeah.
Oh, what should we do first eat ice cream or build a fort? Who am I kidding? Obviously, both.
That all sounds great, but what I meant was I'm kind of dealing with a bully right now.
Really? I know she's all sweet around you, but she's a monster to me.
I have seen that side of her once.
She made a hostess cry.
But we did get extra sausage with our rootin' tootin' breakfast platter.
It has so much more space than the apartment.
Oh! You know what I love about these windows? When you look out, you don't see bums shoving each other.
Where did Ryan go? Uh, I think he's taking another look at the kitchen.
He wants to make sure there's plenty of room to soak his lentils.
So, what do you think? Uh, I like it.
I really like it.
Yeah? It's priced right.
Yeah, it is.
I know it is.
But ooh.
Ooh, that's still a lot of money, dad.
If you need a raise to afford it, I'll give you a raise.
But you make plenty of money, so stop bugging me about it.
It has that great yard for Boyd.
And an office for me.
And the basement is soundproof, which would be good for Boyd's drums.
And for Ryan's political opinions.
What am I doing? I-I love it.
I want this house.
Let's put in an offer.
So, uh, this is a big pass, right? "Pass" is a sports term, so I assume you're confusing it with "home run.
" Honey, this this house has everything we're looking for.
What what don't you like about it, Ryan? I don't know.
I mean, nothing specific.
It's just I don't really like the vibe in here.
Oh, you probably saw some meat in the kitchen.
We said we would agree on this, right? And I just don't see myself living in the house.
Well, I guess we need to add another box to the checklist.
" But you love this house.
Just go talk to him.
Yeah, but clearly, he doesn't.
I mean, he's the one that's gonna be spending most of the time in the house.
What am I supposed to do? What'd you do the first million times he was wrong? Yes, dad, I'm disappointed, but Ryan and I are a team, okay? We both have to agree on this.
I appreciate what you did, though, dad.
That guy needs a swift kick to the lentils.
You know, Ryan doesn't like the "vibe.
" What does that even mean? It's not groovy enough for his tambourine jam sessions? Now, don't make fun, Mike.
A real musician can spend a lifetime mastering the tambourine.
Yet a monkey can do it in an hour.
And that monkey who's married to my daughter is keeping her from buying the house of her dreams, and that house is a smokin' deal.
Yeah, well, I'm sure they'll find a house they both like.
The one next to me is for sale for $4 million.
Is that in their price range? You know, I-I'll ask.
I just wonder why the kid's digging his heels in on this one.
Sometimes a man just wants to have his say, Mike.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe under that lentil-soaked radical feminist lurks an unevolved angry man.
And I'll find him.
The hardest part about being a designer is letting go.
You know, my babies are safe here, but once they're off in the world, someone could put on the wrong pair of earrings, and then you never stop worrying.
You know what's funny about me? I never worry.
Which concerns me.
Sometimes I'm up all night thinking about it.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Hey.
Don't even think about going to that basement.
Yeah, get your bratty butt back up to your own room.
That hurts, Mandy.
Like a word noogie.
That was the intention.
Mandy, I think that Eve should be able to use the basement, too.
You know, we can do our work up here.
Go on down, sport.
Thanks, bro.
What was that? I know what it's like to be bullied by an older sibling, and I can't watch it.
Or any video, no matter how hysterical, that demeans old people.
They are gold people.
Oh, my God.
She's playing you.
I am not that gullible.
Uh, really? How much money have you given those "orphans" in the north face jackets that smoke outside the 7-Eleven? I don't give them money.
I give them beer.
If you give them money, they're just gonna spend it on drugs.
Eve keeps taking over my workspace, and she only does it to mess with me.
And to keep me from my babies.
How can she keep you from your babies? She sounds like that judge my mom was always complaining about.
Thanks a lot.
You sided with the wrong sister.
Oh! And, by the way, I've seen her laugh at a video of an old man trapped in a bounce house.
My God.
What have I done? Yeah.
Yeah? Hey.
Is Kris here? Uh, no, she's out.
What's up? Uh, I was just driving through the neighborhood really fast with the doors locked, my windows up.
Thought I'd stop by.
Well, if you're here to try to talk me into buying the house, you can just save your breath.
No, I totally agree with you.
Had bad vibes.
Really? Yeah.
The house had no mojo.
Don't even talk about juju.
You're mocking me.
You're a sharp kid, you know? I think the reason you don't like this house is 'cause you're upset 'cause your wife would have to make the payments.
That's ridiculous.
Because you're not into traditional gender roles.
You're right.
No, I'm not.
So you wouldn't mind when you get to the grocery store, you pull your wallet out of your yoga pants and it's filled with your wife's money.
Or that you're wearing yoga pants.
Wouldn't bother me at all.
Seems like it bothers you.
Yeah, well, you know what? It does bother me.
Okay? You're right.
And I hate having to tell you that.
Yeah? You hate having to tell me it, yet I love hearing it.
I'm an evolved, 21st century male.
I shouldn't think like this.
You know, the operative word there was "male," and you may hide it with your hemp sandals and your man-purse, but you're a guy, just like the rest of us.
But I pride myself on being better than that.
Now it's just like I'm turning into you.
First off, you wish.
And you're not turning into anything.
You've always been a guy.
Stop calling me that! I just want to wait a few years, 'cause then I'll be working again and I can help make the payments.
But this house is a really good deal.
And taking care of your family means you got to act now, and that might mean you have to swallow your pride.
That is really hard.
I get it.
But if you can swallow those kale chips, you can swallow just about anything.
Hey, dad.
What are you doing here? Um, just came over to talk about the house.
Yeah, I thought we agreed to let that go.
I don't want you pressuring Ryan.
Uh, actually, your dad made some good points.
What so, you're considering it? Well, it does have that great yard yeah.
and it's across the street from the park.
I'm still really worried about the money.
Oh, honey.
Honey, I got this.
She's got this.
It's a lot of money, but, you know and you got to worry about property taxes and repairs.
And insurance and utilities.
There's a million things you got to think about.
But this isn't your problem.
It's Kris'.
It just seems like a lot to put on her.
She can handle it.
She's a Baxter.
She's not worried about a 30-year mortgage.
30 years.
Boyd's gonna be like 10 years older than we are right now before it's even paid off.
But the good thing is, because of your wife, your kid will be living in a great house.
You're right.
You know what? That's important.
All right, I'm ready to jump into this.
I'm not.
What? What? "Kristin can do it.
Kristin can do it.
" A 30-year mortgage? I got news for you Kristin ain't doing it! Chicks, right? Hi, there.
How'd it go? Well hi.
Ryan completely flipped his attitude on the house.
Great! So did Kristin.
Why? Things were said, mistakes were made.
Who remembers exactly what happened? She's panicking about a 30-year mortgage.
She was so excited about that house.
I said mistakes were made.
Quit harping on it.
She needs a little assurance right now.
Yeah, well, then why aren't you still over there, talking to her about it? I rarely say this, but I'm not the right person to do this you are.
I am? Let's not get too excited, okay? Our bench isn't that deep.
Go away, Mandy! I could shut this sweatshop down with one call! It's me, Eve.
Your brother.
It's Kyle.
I thought it was Mandy.
And the emotional bruises haven't healed yet.
Save it.
You abused my sweet and trusting nature, and I am very disappointed in you, young lady.
You're right.
I'm really sorry.
I'll never do it again.
I'm a horrible person! Oh no, no.
It's okay.
The important thing is, you learned your lesson.
I really did.
You're a great big brother, Kyle.
All right.
All right, you have fun, sport.
Wait a second.
You did it again! Stupid sweet, trusting nature! Kyle, I just really want to be alone right now.
Why is it so important for you to be down here? What are you doing? And when did Mandy get a guitar? It's mine, okay? I've been writing songs, and I come down here to play them so nobody can hear them.
Why don't you want anyone else to hear? Oh, do they really suck? They're just personal.
Ever since I got rejected from West Point I don't know I've just been feeling really lost.
I've been there.
Not West Point lost.
Singing about it helps you? Yeah.
Unfortunately, not a lot of words rhyme with "point.
" Just don't tell anybody, okay? Oh, I won't.
But look, Mandy's got to get down here to do her work.
Yeah, I know.
You know, my apartment's empty all day when I'm at work.
I could make you a key, and you could play there.
Really? You would do that for me even after I tricked you? Of course.
Wait unless this is another trick.
It's not.
Thanks, Kyle.
You really are a good big brother.
This is nothing.
Wait till you see me build a fort.
Oh, good.
I thought it was dad stopping by to bug me about the house.
No, he gave that job to me.
Thanks for stopping by.
Hey, wai Honey.
I didn't come by to bug you.
No? I just want to give you something that might ease your mind about buying the house.
Is there a big-ass check in here? No, no.
There's a picture of Boyd and Ryan just like there was a picture of me when my grandmother gave it to your dad.
She said it would always remind him not to worry about the house, that home is where the heart is.
Nana was always kind of cheesy.
I don't know.
I think she found a way to deliver a profound message in a very simple way.
You just came up with this, didn't you? No! Mom, there's a target sticker stuck on the back.
This family sucks at sentiment.
Your father wanted me to talk to you about the house.
Why? So he can blame you when I don't change my mind? Oh.
Quite possibly.
I hadn't considered that.
Mom, it's a 30-year mortgage, okay? What if I can't keep up with the payments? We'll lose the house, and I'll let my family down.
I get it, honey.
It's scary.
But dad doesn't.
The only thing he's ever been scared of is you know, I can't actually think of an example.
I can.
When your father signed for our first mortgage, he pressed down so hard that he carved his name into the desk.
Are you serious? Mm-hmm.
Why wouldn't he tell me that? Well, would you have believed him? No.
I'd think he was trying to trick me.
But you believe me.
Because you never try to trick me.
No, but I-I do.
I do actually believe you.
Yeah, well, that's why I'm here.
So, dad bought the house even though he was scared.
That's so annoyingly dad.
Honey, your father did not become the folk hero he believes he is by running from the things he's scared of.
He faced them.
And you're saying that I am like dad? Well, God forbid one of you should be like me, but yes.
You want that house? I do.
I really do.
Yeah, then do what your father would do go get it.
Okay, I think I will.
Thanks, mom.
This really helped.
Well, I was just speaking from the heart.
And dad knew you would.
He really is the great Mike Baxter.
Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
When you're out for a little stroll in the Rockies, your pack may feel like a heavy burden, but its contents are actually keeping you alive.
Same with family.
Sure, there are times when your spouse and your kids feel like a backbreaking weight, you know, slowing you down, clipping your wings, grinding you into a nub, making your life miserable, just Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's no stronger force than a family man, woman, children.
As any builder will tell you, the triangle's the strongest shape.
You don't believe me? Try making this a rhombus with an extra girlfriend in there.
See how quickly that thing collapses.
Of course, every primary breadwinner has seen the "footprints in the sand" wall hanging and thought, "I get your point, God, but it's not you it's me.
I'm carrying everybody.
" And maybe sometimes you are.
But you couldn't carry them if they weren't giving you the strength to do it.
Think about it.
Because there's nothing as mighty in all the world as a loving family.
And they'll never find me up here.

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