Last Man Standing s05e20 Episode Script


1 No, Mom, I am not cold.
Yeah, I-I am wearing a sweater.
I will take it off if it gets hot.
Yeah, Mom, I know how sweaters work.
Hey, honey.
No, no, it's too early.
(Sighs) Uh-huh.
You're right, I won't, Mom.
Uh, I got I got I got to go.
Yeah, yeah.
No, one of the girls isn't wearing a sweater.
(Beep) (Chuckles) My mom's dead.
Yeah, your life is perfect.
So, how was your day? You don't want to know about my day.
You just want to rant on about your mom.
My mother is impossible.
And we're off! She is always telling me what to do like I'm still 10 years old.
You like when people think you're younger than you are.
The guy at the liquor store who carded you, you talked about that for three weeks.
And she goes on and on about her friends who all apparently have the same last name "Who's Dying.
" (Chuckles) Yeah, no, there's Carla, who's dying, Brenda, who's dying, Mildred, who's dying.
Who's Dying is a big family.
Mother-daughter relationships are tough.
Let's not forget Lizzie Borden.
Hey, hey.
We never heard Lizzie's side.
No, I-I'm serious, Mike.
It's like our relationship never got past a mother-daughter dynamic.
Yeah, you know, it's horrible when mothers act like m-mothers.
I'm just doing the best I can here.
Just once I grew up, we never transitioned into just being friends.
And that's on her.
She never made any effort to do the things I like to do.
Why don't you just talk to her? No, Mike, no, no, because it's too late, and and the worst part is it doesn't even seem to bother her.
I mean, I would be devastated if I ended up in a relationship like that with my daughters.
It's never gonna happen.
You have a great relationship with the girls.
You really do.
You mean it? You're not just just saying that? Little bit of both.
(Sighs) Just want to wrap this up.
Honey, I-I mean, it worries me sometimes.
The girls are all pretty grown up, and can't believe that Eve's already 18.
You're having your girls' night out, Taco Tuesday tonight with them.
You know what, yeah.
That that has always been a mother-daughter dinner.
I think I'm gonna make it different tonight.
- Good.
- Yeah, no, no, no.
I am not just gonna go out with my daughters.
I am also gonna go out with my friends.
Sounds like a lot of people.
Don't pick up the check.
Look who just gave Father Time the finger.
I wanted to wear something that said friend, not mom.
Well, you nailed it, honey.
Also nailed "roadie for the Allman Brothers.
" Seriously, is it too much? No, no, no.
You want to be like the other girls, then you go up and change, little missy.
Hey, I can wear whatever I want.
You are not the boss of me! Hi, Mom.
Wow! You look great.
Are you sure I don't look like a roadie for the Allman Brothers? The who? No, the Allman Brothers.
Just go go get the girls.
- All right, cool.
- Hey, Boyd, hi, sweetie.
Mm! Looking forward to hanging out with Grandpa tonight? Yeah.
I'm gonna ask him if I can get a tattoo.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Why would you want that? Well, my mom and Aunt Mandy and Aunt Eve were talking about how great it'd be.
And also that it was a secret [Whispering.]
and I shouldn't tell anybody.
Good job! Uh, Boyd, honey, you know, it's, uh, it's okay that you told me.
I mean, I-I think tattoos are cool, too.
But you're a grandma.
Hey, I said I think they're cool! Listen, listen, you should not say anything to Grandpa, okay? Because even though your mom and her sisters are getting older, he'll always be the dad.
Oh, so he makes tofu and mung beans for breakfast? No, sweetie.
That's that's just your dad.
You're so lucky 'cause you can be saying, "Oh, Ryan," and just be thinking "Gosling, Gosling, Gosling.
" Or if you get tired of him, you can just shift right on over to Reynolds.
What are they talking about? - Nothing.
- Nothing! -Nothing.
Then why are you laughing? - Uh - Oh, whoa, whoa, wait.
Never ask women why they're laughing.
It's better than crying or yelling.
- Come on, Mom, hey.
Let's go.
- Yeah.
Let's get this girls' night started.
Don't wait up for me.
- Good night, baby.
- Love you.
All right, have fun.
Drive safe.
Love you! All right, let's go.
(Door closes) What do girls do on girls' night? Uh, they spend most of the time trying to parallel park, put on hats, and they giggle at them.
What do we do on guys' night? We're making hot dogs.
My dad says that hot dogs are poison.
They are.
But it turns out that mustard is the antidote.
- Hey, Mr.
- Hey, Kyle.
Looks like there's another exotic bird show Wendi's gonna try to drag my ass to.
That's fantastic.
Tell me, what part of "drag my ass" sounds fantastic? Oh, I-I stopped listening after "exotic bird show.
" Oh.
Sometimes I only hear the good part.
It really got me in trouble the time my brother said, "Let's take a motorcycle ride" Hmm.
"to rob a liquor store.
" Wendi loves birds.
If she finds out about this show, it could lead to a big fight.
Hey, Ed.
Hey, Ryan.
What are you doing here? Kristin's off for the night.
Uh, actually, I came to talk to you guys.
I want to learn how to camp.
You don't know how to camp? Didn't your dad ever take you? A couple times he told my mom he was taking me camping, and then we'd go to the casino and I'd wait in the car.
One time he actually lost the car and we had to sleep at the bus station, so I guess he kind of took me camping.
Man, your dad sounds cool.
Wait, I don't think I heard all of that.
So, why the big push to learn now? Well, Kris grew up camping, and it's important to her.
When we do go, I want to be able to hold my own.
Well, we've got weekly seminars.
But you're part of the Outdoor Man family, so you're gonna get private lessons from Kyle.
Oh, man, you're gonna love it.
Outdoor camping is not nearly as dirty as bus station camping.
This stuff looks pretty hardcore.
I hope I'll be able to learn how to use it.
Don't worry.
Kyle's an expert, so there's your answer.
So, then Eve runs over and tackles the kid.
He stole your hat.
Dude, we were in third grade.
That's what boys do when they like you.
In my experience, boys will do all sorts of stupid stuff just to get your attention.
- Mm.
- Tell me about it.
One got me pregnant.
(Laughter) I-I think that it's probably funnier if you'd been drinking.
Oh, wow, it's 10:00 already? (Chuckles) This evening's going way too fast.
I wish I didn't have school tomorrow.
I'll write you a note.
Remember when Kristin used to do that for us? No, 'cause I never did.
Please, please.
You probably do my signature better than I do.
In fact, sign this.
This feels so much more fun than usual.
I mean, I'm always super entertaining, so one of you must've stepped up your game.
I think it's probably Mom.
She hasn't once licked her thumb and wiped something off of our faces.
I'm taking a break for a few years before I have to start doing that to your dad.
(Laughter) This is such a blast.
Guys, wait, listen, you know what would be crazy fun to get? - Churros? - No, no, no.
- Uh - What's wrong? Come on, come on.
Isn't that the kind of thing you do with your friends? Yeah! It's just not the kind of thing you do with your mom.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So, churros? Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's, uh, that's definitely the kind of thing you do with your mom, yeah.
Hey, honey.
Boyd's home safe.
Kid's a pretty good driver.
How was your night? Well, we were having a great time, but then at the end of what I thought was a lovely dinner, I find out what I really am to our daughters.
Their mom! Damn those kids to hell.
I make one little suggestion of something we could do at the end of dinner, and they shot it down.
All right, well, what was your little suggestion? I said we should get a tattoo.
(Chuckles) I've always wanted to kiss a sailor.
Boyd said the girls wanted to get one.
They just didn't want to do it with me.
Apparently, I am not cool enough to be in their little club.
You know, you had a great night, and you're obsessing on one tiny little thing that didn't go your way.
You're being a real Mrs.
Lincoln right now.
All right, you know what, you you you don't understand.
No, I don't understand.
If you want a tattoo, get a tattoo.
Oh, 'cause it's it's more than that, Mike.
I mean, God, you give so much of your life to your kids.
You give birth to them, you raise them, you listen to all their stupid little problems and and then and then they get to adulthood and it's, "Hey, hey, thanks for the miracle of life, but I don't want a tattoo.
" Wait a minute.
Hold that thought.
What what are you doing? Taking notes.
That could be a great hook for my vlog on Mother's Day.
Guilty kids are known to buy mom a canoe.
You're gonna use what I'm going through to guilt other kids? You're not using it.
Well, I might.
I'm sorry your evening didn't go well with your daughters.
I'm gonna go to bed.
(Sighs) You're still welcome in that club.
Look at that.
Now you're as snug as a bug in a rug.
How's it feel? Tight.
Really, really tight.
I can't breathe.
Okay, uh, well, don't panic.
Oh, God, the zipper's stuck.
Kyle, you got to get me out of here.
I'm dying! Kyle! -Okay.
That's kind of panicking.
Kyle, please get me out of here! (Exhales sharply) The sleeping bag is usually the least scary part of camping.
Sorry, I I get a little claustrophobic.
Ryan, so far you've poked yourself in the eye with a tent pole, you've dropped an axe on your toe, and somehow managed to get your thumb stuck in a canteen.
I'm just new to all this stuff, you know? Now you're holding a can of gas over a fire.
Can you tell me why that's a no-no? Because it would explode into a fireball.
Which you don't want to happen in the woods.
Mainly because they're made of wood.
You're right.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I'm clearly not meant for this.
So, are you acclimating to the great outdoors? No.
No, I am not.
I love the environment, but from afar.
Sorry to hear that.
Camping's not for everyone.
Especially teenagers in horror movies.
They always think their friends are playing a joke on them, but they never are.
"Stop it, Craig.
You're being weird!" Craig is not being weird.
Craig is dead.
It's frustrating, you know, 'cause I wanted to do this for Kristin.
Well, I know what it's like when your wife's harping on you to do something, but you can't give in if it's gonna make you miserable.
No, she's not harping me.
We haven't even talked about it.
I just knew she'd like it and I wanted to surprise her.
So, you came up with this camping thing all by yourself? Yep.
Thought it'd make her happy.
And apparently make me look like an idiot and maybe burn down the woods.
I'm gonna get some air.
Sure, sure, sure, sure.
So, he doesn't like camping? No.
And she hasn't been nagging him to take her, huh? No.
So, why the hell would he put himself through all this? I guess he loves his wife.
I'm sure he does.
(Chuckles) Yeah, I remember what that's like.
(Chuckles) No, I don't.
I guess that's why they call them ex-wives, huh? Hi.
Vanessa Baxter for the Baxter family here to talk about being a mom.
Mother's Day is coming up, so, kids, be sure to mark your calendars.
And then forget until the last second, run out and buy a card at the all-night CVS.
Being a mom is hard.
Every time you get sick, we get sick.
Except nobody makes us soup.
One of the hardest parts of being a mom is watching your kids grow up and stop needing you.
Well, let's face it.
Adults don't need mothers.
They already know how to use a sweater! So, is it possible for moms to have a strong relationship with grown children? Yeah, I think it is.
Consider the orca.
It's one of nature's most beautiful creatures.
An orca lives its whole life at its mother's side, and they don't have any problem with that.
No orca has ever been excluded from shark hunting because her daughter said, "It's not really the kind of thing you do with your mom.
" Well, how can humans stay that close? The best way is to make sure your relationship evolves.
So, Mandy, Kristin, Eve, maybe you don't see me as someone you can do fun, crazy things with.
But today I am taking the first step to change that.
Let's hunt some sharks! My mother never made me soup.
That's why I do this.
Hey, honey.
Ooh, what'd you do? Are you all right? I did something really stupid.
I told you that ice cream truck wouldn't stop for adults.
I got a tattoo.
Oh, sexy.
What is that, a stick? Well, I was gonna get a rose, but I just got the stem.
Turns out someone stabbing you with a motorized needle really hurts.
Be honest with me, whose idea was this? Yours or your good friend Chardonnay? Actually, this is your fault.
No, I started writing a vlog about how I wanted to change things with the girls, and then I ended up at a tattoo parlor.
(Chuckles) Yeah, definitely my fault.
You know why I do those vlogs? I don't like talking to people.
Oh, I know.
You like talking at them.
You do like talking to people, and you're good at it.
So why don't you talk about this whole thing with your daughters? Oh, for forget it.
- Vanessa, just - Mike I'm scared.
I-I'm Scared of what? What if the girls are happy with me just being their mom? Hmm? What if they never want to be friends? Hit them with that stick on your ankle.
No, I'm serious.
My my mom never wanted to be friends with me.
Oh, come on, come on.
And if she had, honestly (Sighs) I'm not sure I would've wanted that.
You're not your mother.
Believe in our kids.
I believe in them.
I don't even talk to them that much and I believe in them.
Maybe that's why I believe in them.
Okay, good.
Hey, Ryan.
Look what I have for you here.
Top of the line.
Look at this.
What's this do? D-don't d-don't push that.
The Coast Guard will show up.
(Chuckles) Uh, Ed, this stuff looks really expensive.
Don't you have any cheaper gear I can ruin and work my way up to this? (Chuckles) Won't cost you a dime.
It's on me.
You're just giving this to me? You already paid me for it.
You want to know how? You know what, you're giving me free stuff.
I am cool leaving it at that.
You taught me a lesson I should've learned a long time ago that the best gifts are the ones that are not asked for.
That's true.
This morning, I bought tickets for Wendi and me to to an exotic bird show.
A loud, smelly affair full of people more exotic than the birds.
When I gave them to her she she cried.
I-I'm sorry, is this a sad story or a happy one? Does she like birds? She loves birds.
Look, I've given her art, weekend getaways, jewelry, but this is the gift that moved her to tears.
Because what you're really giving her is you.
She said I was thoughtful.
This is really great, but I still don't know how to use any of it.
Oh, you will.
All of this is more user friendly, and I've assigned you the best instructor me.
I can't ask you to do that, Ed.
You didn't ask.
That's why it's a fantastic gift.
You really are a thoughtful man.
(Voice breaking) Let's put up the tent.
(Coughs) Okay? Hold this end.
That's it.
Thank you.
VANESSA: Mandy, Kristin, Eve, maybe you don't see me as someone you can do fun, crazy things with.
But today I am taking the first step to change that.
Let's hunt some sharks! So? Say something.
That is hysterical.
(Laughter) Well, I'm glad potentially crippling myself is so amusing.
Guys, we have to tell her.
Can we tell her with a vlog? (Chuckles) Tell me what? Mom, we didn't want to get tattoos with you that night because well, we we kind of already got them.
(Vocalizes) See? They're your initials.
Although my "B" kind of looks like a "D.
" The guy kept looking into my eyes.
The first time I had to be like, "Hey, hey, hey! Eyes down there.
" I wanted to get an eagle with a machine gun, but I was out-voted.
Anyway -You guys got my initials? It was supposed to be your Mother's Day gift.
We didn't want to get tattoos with you because we were just afraid that you would see these.
Yeah, we're totally down to hang out with you, Mom.
You'll always be the whale swimming beside us.
Yeah, she means we love you.
And now we can think about you every time we put on socks.
Come here.
Come here.
I'm out of hugging range.
No, come on.
Over here.
Come here.
(Chuckles) This is the best gift ever.
I love you girls so, so much.
Oh, and there actually was another part to it.
A gift certificate so that you can get a matching tattoo with our initials, though I'm guessing you might not want to go back there now.
Or we could just do it here prison style.
Razor and a Bic pen.
I am going because that is the kind of thing you do with your friends.
-What? Guess what.
The girls all got tattoos.
Ha ha.
Well, that's it.
I don't want them hanging out with you anymore.
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
What's more painful than not feeling needed by your children? Well, getting a tattoo and still not feeling needed by your children.
Making a choice you'll have to live with for the rest of your life should involve a lot more thought and very little tequila.
Covering your back with a portrait of President Marco Rubio is probably something you'll regret a year from now.
When you're in one of Donald Trump's internment camps.
Probably safer to get a tattoo in honor of someone you'll always love like your mom or your kids.
Still, it's kind of weird to deface your body to show you care.
It's it's like, "I love you so much, I'm gonna go key my own car.
" So, before you engrave something on your skin, imagine yourself looking at it in the mirror in 20 years.
Or two.
Or just after the tequila wears off.
And cut! (Cheers and applause) Guy's a genius.
Very good! You're very good!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode