Last Man Standing s06e05 Episode Script

Trick or Treat

(Blender whirrs) Morning, everybody.
Green is not the color for breakfast.
- Unless you're Dr.
- (Chuckles) Well, will I drink it in a box? Will I drink it with a fox? How about you drink it alone in the garage? Behind a shelf, all by yourself.
Dad, there's bacon and eggs over here.
Bacon and eggs I am in.
So, let's talk about our Halloween party.
I'm out.
Mike, for the last three years you have said, "Let's not have a party.
We'll do it next year.
" Well, it sounds like we have a good thing going.
Let's do that.
No, come on I-I'll even use the fancy 2% raise the teachers' union just won to pay for the party.
Listen, I will give you a 4% raise not to do it.
Why? Dad, our Halloween parties are always so much fun.
Really? Let's all recall the party your mom had us dress up as the Seven Dwarves.
Well, listen, I had to be Grumpy.
It was the stupidest Halloween ever.
But I got to be Snow White, because I look like this.
And a bird did land on my hand.
You know, maybe this is the year you finally go for my serial-killer theme.
That can be scary.
Ah, you've been pitching that idea since you were three.
That is scary.
We're adults.
I don't think we should do these dress-up parties anymore.
No, no You're not getting out of it.
Look, just think of it as a as a family dinner where we're all dressed up as superheroes! - No.
- Superhero no.
Since you don't like any of our ideas, why don't you come up with one? Yeah, you're supposed to be the marketing genius.
You pitch something.
All right, picture this (Intense voice) A dark house A single light glows in the kitchen.
A handsome man walks into the kitchen, puts the light out.
You hear a creaking of steps as he goes upstairs, goes into his room, lays down.
When he wakes up it's November! Oh, I get it.
I get it.
I get it.
He's all alone in the house, because the family found a new daddy who keeps his promises.
We're having this party, Mike, and you are planning it.
(Normal voice) Why do I have to do everything.
And what is this new daddy gonna do? All right, Mikey, come on (Knocks on door) - heading for lunch.
(Sighs) Now that Ed's let the cat out of the bag, I guess you're invited.
Listen, I'm racking my brain trying to come up with a theme for my family's Halloween party.
- I got a fun one.
- I don't want a fun one.
I want a bad one so bad they'll never do this Halloween party again.
You're an awful man.
And yet people keep inviting me to parties.
I don't.
I don't even want you at lunch.
I'm with you on killing Halloween.
You know what ruined it for me last year? - Hey, guys! - (Clears throat) This jackass.
Tell them about the costume you wore on Halloween.
- Oh, when I was you? - Mm-hmm.
(Impersonating Ed) "I've never been so insulted in my life.
" (Normal voice) That was hilarious.
(Impersonating Ed) "Now get the hell back to work, Kyle.
" (Normal voice) Okay! Little costume really got under your skin, didn't it? Nobody likes to be impersonated.
It's why Rich Little is despised.
I don't know, Ed.
They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Oh, why don't you show Mike your impersonation of him then? I don't know what you're talking about.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
This gives me an idea for a great theme.
My family wants a theme, I've got the theme my family.
They'll dress like each other, act like each other, and if I play my cards right, they're gonna end up hating each other.
When I said you were an awful man, did I say "The most awful"? Because I meant the most awful.
Just relax.
They'll stop hating each other once they take the costumes off, but they'll never stop hating Halloween.
Okay, okay.
Well, who is gonna be who? - Natural enemies.
- Hmm.
Eve will Mandy, Mandy will be Eve.
Ryan and Kristin will be each other.
My, God.
It's gonna be a blood bath.
Ryan and Kristin aren't natural enemies.
They're married.
Fighting the urge to tell our spouse what we really feel about them is what couples mistakenly call "love.
" Baxter, that is Okay, that's true.
So, you're gonna be Vanessa and Vanessa will be you? No.
I can't be Vanessa.
She's too nice.
Plus I I can't walk in heels.
The trick is to keep the weight on your toes.
Come on.
What I need for Vanessa is somebody so nice it's annoying.
I need -I brought you guys cupcakes.
this jackass.
I'm not crazy about the new nickname, guys.
(As Kristin) Hey, Mom! Ryan and I are here! (As Ryan) Hide the meat, you barbarians.
Vanessa: Be right there! (Normal voice) Every time I look at you, I start laughing.
This is a great idea your dad (Normal voice) I know, I know! You look so great, too! I mean, you went a little overboard with the breasts.
It's like no matter what I do, one always just seems like it's smaller.
(As Kristin) Oh, hey, it's my little sister Eve! (As Eve) Sure, lame, whatever.
Grumble, grumble.
(Normal voice) Oh, my God! I say this as a fashion designer Ryan, you are rocking that tunic.
- The boobs are a little much.
- The boobs are a lot much.
(As Eve) Mandy, come on! You're always late! The party's starting grumble, grumble, complain.
(As Mandy) Here I am, everyone.
You're welcome.
You look so glamorous.
I'm sorry, are there times I don't look glamorous? (Normal voice) Why is one bigger? (As Kyle) Hey, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.
I stopped to talk to a butterfly.
Where's Dad? (Normal voice) Uh, I don't know.
He's been working on his costume in the garage all afternoon.
Who's he gonna be? There's no one left in the family.
We're here to make Halloween great again.
I'll do it quickly.
It'll be amazing.
Uh, I don't get it, Dad.
We're all dressed like family, and you're dressed like Trump? Mm.
Trump is like family to me, believe me.
He's got my aunt's hair and my grandmother's hatred of foreigners.
(As Kyle) I love whatever you say and agree with it, Mr.
Thank you, Kyle.
You must hate this costume, huh? Uh, are you kidding me? I love that costume.
The guy single-handedly destroyed his own party.
Why would anyone destroy their own party? You know, I am so glad we did this.
- This is already so much fun.
- (Chuckles) We're just getting started.
(As Trump) Look at that Mandy Baxter, Mandy Baxter.
How beautiful you are.
You know, beauty is the only thing that counts.
(Giggles) (As Mandy ) Thank you, Mr.
I was in a bit of a hurry, so it only took me eight hours to get ready.
(Laughs) (As Eve) Well, I'm always ready.
I put on this outfit in the seventh grade, and I've never changed out of it.
(Laughs) That's funny and mean my favorite kind of funny.
I laugh when I put on makeup, because clowns are funny.
I never laugh.
It interferes with my moping.
But let me try.
Never mind.
It burns.
(Laughs) Come on, Mr.
B and all the little Bs.
(Laughs) Let's play a game where we're all super nice and the winner is everybody.
(As Kristin) Yeah, I'm with Kyle.
Let's all just have fun! (Normal voice) I'm surprised you're here, Ryan.
I know you don't like Halloween.
(As Ryan) Oh, you know, Halloween used to be a beautiful pagan holiday, till it was taken over by Big Sugar.
(Normal voice) Big Sugar is not a joke, Kristin.
(As Kristin) But I guess I would know that if I read any of the books my husband brought home for me to read.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You're right.
My wife should, like, you know, work less and read more.
Oh, but wait.
Then we'd starve.
(Normal voice) All right, okay.
Everybody, everybody hang on, hang on.
This is Mom for a second.
Um, listen Let's Let's not take any of this personally, okay? (As Vanessa) Where's my Chardonnay? Oh, my God.
How long do I have to whine before I can get some wine? (Normal voice) Mrs.
B makes a lot of puns, and they're really hard to come up with, so I have some cards to help me be a card.
You never looked better, Vanessa.
He looks like the woman at the hardware store who makes keys.
Thanks, Mr.
Mandy told me to wear something called SPANX.
I don't wear SPANX that often.
(Normal voice) Come on, Mom.
Remember, we're not taking any of this personally.
Mike: (As Trump) That's right.
Mandy Baxter, Mandy Baxter, I understand you're a job creator like me.
It must take quite a bit of brains to have your own design company.
(As Mandy) Mm.
But I understand you're the CEO of of a vast empire.
Well, I make tube tops in my parents' basement, so it's more of a vest empire.
(Normal voice) Uh, yeah.
I make more than tube tops.
(Normal voice) It was just a joke.
(Normal voice) Hey, Evie, Evie, Evie (As Trump) So, you like the military.
So do I.
(As Eve) Yeah, my whole life I waited to get into West Point, practically turned myself into a guy, but, uh, they still didn't want me, so now I write songs for no money, which is exactly how much they're worth.
(Normal voice) Basement clown.
(Normal voice) Guitar monkey.
(Normal voice) Oh, hey, look, there's your next protest Save the Guitar Monkeys.
(Normal voice) Why? So you can kill them and serve them in your restaurant? Everybody, come on! Stop, stop.
This is a party! (As Vanessa) I'm enjoying this part-E.
I can't wait for part-F.
Shove it, Kyle.
Ah, Halloween.
It's a great, great holiday, believe me.
(As Vanessa) Hey, kids, why don't we play No! Ooh, I can make my famous No! (Normal voice) Wow.
B, people do not like you.
Mike: (Exhales sharply) That was fun.
That was great.
I got a bunch of little trick-or-treaters to start chanting "Lock her up, lock her up.
" Ah Got kind of choked up.
So, what'd I miss? My wife made fun of my interest in Buddhism.
Religious bigotry always funny.
Please ignore that bearded woman.
She's just cranky from lugging around those enormous boobs.
(Doorbell rings) All: I'll get it.
I'll get it! (Sighs) It'd be nice to see some kids who are just pretending to be monsters.
Geez, this party is so lame.
And that's the real me.
I'm not even doing Eve.
Can we please wrap this up? I'm having a good time.
It's not like I can control the party.
(As Vanessa) I'm enjoying this part-E.
- I can't wait for part - Kyle, you already did that one! Please! This has to end! All right.
I'll go see if I can make a deal.
(Chuckles) (As Trump) You know, there's an art to it.
What's wrong with everybody? Oh, Mike, this is awful.
All we have done is insult each other.
I hate to say this, but maybe we should just call it a night.
(Scoffs) You know You know why I wanted this party? - Yeah.
- You know why? Because everybody in this family was there for me when I was worried about the teachers' strike.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, and I just I just wanted to celebrate.
But after tonight, I-I never want to have a Halloween party again.
You know I hate to say this.
But in some small way, I blame myself.
Honey, it's not your fault.
You didn't do it.
I did it!! Yeah! (Doorbell rings) Ahh! What is that? It's what I'm wearing to the VFW party.
What is that? Donald Trump.
You can't be Donald Trump.
Why, because I'm black? No, because you're not orange.
Mine is ironic.
Yours is a tribute.
- Mine is a stroke of genius.
- Huh.
I think I might have just killed the Baxter Halloween party for good.
Okay, listen, listen, listen I-I got some bad news.
I just off the phone with Carol.
The school board finally figured out how they're gonna pay for the teachers' raises.
Oh, no.
Don't tell me layoffs.
Yeah, yeah.
And since Vanessa was one of the last hired - Crap! - Yeah.
Carol's been trying to call Vanessa.
I-I don't know how you're gonna tell her she's fired.
I can't tell her that she's fired on a night that the family is going at each other's throats.
So, you wrecked your own party and still see yourself as the victim? Well You're right, you do make a better Trump than me.
Mike: Where's everybody going? Kristin: Mom said the party's over, so I guess it's time for Ryan and me to ride home in stony silence.
Yeah, and I've got to get out of this makeup.
I do not want to wake up with the Shroud of Turin on my pillow.
Nobody is going anywhere.
(As Eve) Oh, you mean like my music career.
Hold on a minute.
We got to reboot this party.
I just found out your mom lost her job.
But being a teacher means everything to Mom.
This is gonna crush her.
Well, not tonight it's not, you know? We're gonna give her the holiday party that she's always wanted, and I'll tell her she's fired tomorrow.
Wh I was fired?! Or I could tell her now.
Chuck just came over.
Carol's been trying to call you, honey.
I'm sorry.
-Oh (Groans) Well, this blows.
Yeah, I feel really bad.
(Normal voice) We all should.
We acted pretty awful tonight.
Yeah, Dad had this awesome idea for a party and all we did was rip into each other.
Yeah, about this awesome idea You know, the truth is I, uh I forgive all of you, you know? And maybe we all learned something tonight, huh? What are you gonna say to her, Dad? I don't know.
I'm just gonna be there for her.
(As Vanessa) And that's why I married that man.
(Door opens, closes) Hey.
How you doing? (Scoffs) I feel like such a dope.
Ah, that's just the costume talking.
Listen, you have every reason to feel sad, okay? No, I am not sad.
I am really, really mad.
Well, that's good.
You should be mad.
The school board That was all wrong what they did.
No, no, no I am not mad at them although they suck! I'm mad at myself.
- You didn't do anything here.
- I did.
I did.
- No, you didn't.
- No, I was this close to being the vice president of an energy company, and I gave it all up because I had this stupid idea to chase a dream.
Well, let's not talk about the high-paying job you gave up and the stuff we could have bought with that capital.
I think it's always a good idea to chase your dreams.
No, of course you do, honey, because your dreams always come true.
You plan to make something happen and it happens.
Well, don't compare yourself to me.
You're already feeling too bad about yourself.
(Scoffs) I just want this night to be over.
- No, no.
- This whole family party was, as Trump would say, "A disaster.
" Guys, no, no.
I'm not listening to any more fighting tonight.
Well, maybe they came out here for another reason right, right, right? Yeah, Mom.
We just came to help.
Well, great.
Think you can go back in time and talk me out of becoming a teacher? She's feeling upset about chasing her dream.
Mandy, do you think it was a bad idea to chase your dream? Um Eve was the one who asked if she could help, but okay.
Actually, I'm not talking to Mandy-Eve.
I'm talking to Eve-Mandy.
(As Mandy) Oh, you mean the fashion thing? No, it wasn't a mistake.
But a lot of people said "You can't do that.
" Well, because I was so pretty, people thought I wasn't smart.
But I said "Screw them," because now my business is almost too big for that basement because I am really smart.
Even my little sister thinks so.
But she was making fun of you all night long.
(As Eve) Yeah, 'cause I don't want people to think that I care.
They'll think it's lame grumble, grumble, complain.
Can I say something? No.
Your mom's dealing with a a major disappointment.
- (Sighs) - You can relate to that.
Heck yeah.
My whole life, I wanted to go to West Point.
It was my dream.
And when I didn't get in, it really hurt.
But I didn't cry about it.
(Clicks tongue) I'm not a baby.
I'm a badass.
But my big sister cried about it, even though she never told me.
Well, I hate to cry, because it ruins $40 worth of makeup.
But now, I have this whole new music thing, which I think makes me pretty cool.
(Mike chuckles) (Normal voice) And it sort of does.
- Um, my turn.
- No! Dad.
All right.
Well, I'm sure my wife will mock me for this, but I'd like to share something the Dalai Lama said that I think speaks to your situation.
He said "Sometimes not getting what you want can be a wonderful stroke of luck.
" - Hmm.
- What? I read some of the books you give me.
I love you, you jerk.
Look at that.
There's my family.
Where have you guys been all night? You know what? This turned out to be the perfect party.
(Scoffs) Well, of course.
I planned it.
And we are gonna have one every year! You know, in a small way, I blame myself.
(As Vanessa) Okay, listen up! I am a good teacher, and I am not gonna go quietly.
I say we grab a carton of eggs, head down to that school board, and "Eggs-press ourselves.
" Mandy: Ah, sweetie, don't be ridiculous.
Yeah, Kyle.
Everything's fine now.
I could throw an egg or two.
Don't do it.
Let me do it.
I can get away with anything, believe me.

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