Last Man Standing s07e09 Episode Script

The Gift of the Mike Guy

1 Wow.
We got to get a better vacuum cleaner.
Got a tree growing right out of the middle of the living room.
Yeah, it's a good one this year, Mike, yeah.
And the smell, it's just it's-it's like it's hanging from a rearview mirror.
Don't get too attached to it.
In 30 days we'll be kicking that baby to the curb.
Hey, guys.
Don't forget, Kyle and I have plans tonight.
You're not gonna help us decorate the fire hazard? They are cultured, Mike.
They are going to The Nutcracker with Kristin and Ryan.
Yeah.
I've never been to the ballet.
I can't believe they get to wear slippers to work.
Well, buckle up.
It's three hours of people dancing, occasionally interrupted by people prancing.
So, tonight, tonight'll just be you and me decorating.
Hmm.
You all right with that? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Definitely.
It'll be like when we were just married, except our tree won't be a fern.
And we won't make the star out of the tinfoil - out of a Jiffy Pop thing.
- Mm.
You, uh, you remember what we did with the butter? Okay.
Come on, babe.
I'll take you to work.
But don't you want to know what they did with the butter? No.
- Have fun, guys.
- MandY: Eh.
Do you, uh, you have time to eat? No.
I'll eat at work.
A vending machine breakfast.
Glazed doughnuts and pork rinds and a emergency rain poncho.
Hmm.
You know what I shouldn't give Ed a Christmas gift this year, right? That'd be that'd be that'd be stupid.
Well, no, you-you and Ed never exchange gifts.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But, you know, I thought this year would be different 'cause he retired.
But that's not a good reason.
No, I-I think that's a great reason.
But I have so much on my plate! I-It feels like you want me to talk you out of this.
Well, you're not doing a really good job of it.
Honey, this-this is the first Christmas that Ed's not at the store.
I-I think you should get him something special.
Now it's got to be something special.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
Just reminding you I'm leaving a little early tonight.
That's right.
Mom said you're going to The Nutcracker? Yay.
Three hours of people leaping interrupted by people prancing.
Sometimes you make me so proud.
Uh, but I finished my personnel requests for next year.
You know, I could've just sent that to you in an e-mail.
Thanks.
An e-mail doesn't keep loggers employed.
Plus, when I hold 'em in my hand like this, I feel like I've finished my job.
But I'm not finished yet! Chuck! What's up? I'm gonna need those personnel reports, man.
I got to start making these decisions before the end of the year.
Oh! I'll have it to you by the end of the day.
(Chuckles) Carol's coming back from, uh, California for the holidays, and, uh, I need time to clean up the house.
That's shocking.
What, that a Marine cleans his house? No, that Carol's coming back to you? (Chuckles) Good one, Baxter, he said, pretending the cruel joke didn't trigger his deepest insecurities.
Hey, guys, can you think of any Christmas gift - that Ed might want? - (Mike sighs) How about a ticket to The Nutcracker? Why didn't we just stop having kids at you? Whenever I don't know what to get someone, I just get 'em a cheesecake.
Everybody likes cheesecake.
And if they don't, they might regift it to you and then, hey, free cheesecake.
What's better than a cheesecake that's been passed around, you know? With that little tinge of salmonella in it.
Yum, yum.
Not everybody is as good at giving gifts as you, Dad.
Okay, you always know what to get people.
That's capitalism: identify the consumer's need and supply it.
Who said that? Dad's favorite philosopher, - himself.
- Oh.
(Chuckles) He was thinking of putting it - at the entrance to Baxterland.
- Ah.
At the corner of Mike Avenue - and Know-It-All Lane.
- (Laughs) This know-it-all might have just figured out what to get Ed for Christmas.
Um (Grunts) general rule of thumb: when I leave my office, it's a good idea for everyone else to leave my office.
- But there's toys.
- But there's toys.
God rest ye merry, gentlemen Ye ye Ye really do look tired.
Wow, Mom, you're really in the Christmas spirit.
Mm! Well, I'm doing one of my favorite things in the world.
(Chuckles) And decorating the tree.
Ah.
Uh, you guys you're-you're leaving early.
Oh, yeah, we're gonna meet at Kristin and Ryan's.
- You have the tickets, babe? - Yeah.
Uh, right here.
(Chuckles) Uh-oh.
Says we're in the orchestra.
I haven't played the tuba since high school.
MandY: Oh, Mom (Chuckles) you don't have to hang my snowflake ornament I made in the second grade.
Are you kidding? I love this.
Great, because that was a test.
Where you gonna put it? Uh well, I was thinking of just I'm putting it right here? There? Okay.
Why? You have a better idea? - Yes, several.
- Okay.
Oh.
(Giggles) Uh, Mandy was always in charge of ornaments.
Yeah, because I'm great with visual placement.
And I'm really, really tall.
I'll just do one to get you started.
Can I do one? Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here, you can have your pick.
They're all wrapped in newspaper.
Oh, this is from way back in January.
Boy, did we miss out on a furniture sale.
You know what, uh, this is gonna take me a little bit of time.
So I'll just text Kristin and tell them to pick us up here.
Are you sure? Honey, you know, you don't have to.
It Mom, if I let you decorate the tree, it'll take me hours to fix.
No offense.
Merry Christmas.
Man, you're still working? Carol's not gonna like it if you're late, unless she's on California time, dude.
- (Inhales) - (Chuckles) Well, you asked me to get a job done, so I'll get it done.
And it'll be letter-perfect.
Besides, Carol's still on Colorado "your ass better be on time" time.
Hey, Ed.
Glad I saw you.
- I-I got something for you.
- Good.
I-I wanted to hand deliver these Christmas cards.
- Much more personal than the mail.
- Oh.
Not to mention cheaper.
125 employees times 50 cents.
Adds up.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Very good.
I did the math.
Thank you very much.
Come on, give me a break.
Give me a break.
I'm-I'm a retiree on a fixed income, all right? On your personal mega yacht.
(Chuckles) (Mutters) Listen, what are you doing here so late anyway, huh? Don't tell me that Mike Baxter has gotten behind.
The only thing I'm behind is Reaganomics.
And you're welcome for the boom-boom '80s, man.
Still waiting for my trickle-down over here.
Anyway, thanks for the card.
But I did have extra time to get something for Christmas for you.
So just wait there a minute.
I-I just have a minute.
Just a minute now here.
I'm tending bar at the VFW.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I used to host Military Trivia Night.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, we had to give it up because, uh, most of the answers were "Germany.
" - Listen.
- Yeah.
The city says we can name our access road - to the store anything we want.
- Uh-huh.
So What? Come on.
Ed Alzate Way? So the road that brings people to Outdoor Man now honors the man that brought Outdoor Man to the people.
I love that road, Mikey.
It's-it's black down the middle, beige on the sides.
Now, that's a road.
Yeah, well, now the guys in the loading dock - Yeah.
- Won't just say, "Look, there's a dead raccoon in the road.
" They can say, "There's a dead raccoon on Ed Alzate.
" (Laughing) Well, that's Mikey, you're the best, buddy.
- Yeah.
- You're-you're terrific.
Chuck, look at this.
I got a street.
(Chuckles) - I got a street.
- Yeah.
-(Chuckles) Okay, good.
Did he seem a little too happy? Yep.
So, he hated it.
Yep.
Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man.
Christmas is just around the corner, so someone you love is out there right now getting you something you don't need, you don't want, and you can't return until they're not looking.
And the kicker for some of you is they're doing it with your money.
Wow.
Yeah, the biggest challenge of the holiday season isn't long lines or finding a place to park it's opening a present and not having your face say what you're actually feeling.
See, your face has to say (Chuckles): "Oh, I really love this.
" And what you're really thinking is, "Really? Really? Really?" We all want a present that knocks our socks off, but we don't want socks.
Ben Carson said, "Happiness doesn't result from what we get but from what we give.
" Spoken like someone whose family gets him lousy gifts.
Right, Ben? (Chuckles) If only there was a retail chain where you could be confident they're gonna love whatever you get them.
Oh, wait, I'm sitting in one.
And in Outdoor Man, if you don't like your new crossbow, you can return it.
But you're gonna like it.
Because, unlike the people buying your gifts, our crossbows actually hit their targets.
So, from all of us at Outdoor Man to all of you looking for the perfect gift, happy hunting and merry Christmas.
Baxter out.
Ooh.
It's the box with the stockings, babe.
Uh-oh.
You gonna be okay? Should I get the tissues? No, I'm fine.
(Chuckles) I think I got it all out of my system last year.
(Car horn honking in distance) So what if Mrs.
B sewed my name on a stocking that welcomed me to the family? It's no big deal.
(Sniffles) It's just a love stocking.
Guys, hey.
Hello? Ryan's been honking.
Uh, Kristin, a lady never responds to a honk.
Ooh! The tree looks great.
Nice balance, Mandy.
Thanks.
It's subtle.
The theme is "Christmas Here and Now!" Hey, Kristin.
I thought I heard you.
- Oh, hey, Mom.
- Hi.
Mwah.
Oh, no, Kyle found his stocking.
It's a beauty, Mrs.
B.
Well, maybe we should keep it out all year so you don't get so overwhelmed.
No, I-I can handle it.
Ryan, I thought we were on our way out.
I know.
Boyd has to use the bathroom.
I'll be fast.
I won't even wash my hands.
Ooh, is that hot chocolate? Uh, yeah.
Kyle and Mandy insisted.
I'd make you guys some, but - but don't you have to go? - Uh, we have time.
Right, Ryan? - Uh okay, yeah.
One cup.
- Yeah? Um, with some marshmallows.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- And maybe a little nutmeg.
Actually, you know what? I'll just make it.
Oh, Mandy, wow, the tree is really looking great.
Kristin: Uh actually, I wouldn't say great.
I'd say incomplete.
There's no candy canes.
Well, I wasn't going to do that.
That's your job.
Well, I guess I can at least start.
(Giggles) And you're right, it is my job, because I am great at it.
Cool! Are we all gonna decorate the tree? No, no, no.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
You probably have to go.
Do we? I think your dad really wants to see the ballet.
You know what? I am back there making the perfect cup of cocoa, and I realize I'm not even gonna have time to drink it.
Oh.
Maybe you could.
Uh, how would you feel about staying a little while and helping with the tree? Uh well, we have really good seats, and, I mean, it's just a tree.
Hey, Ryan, check it out.
It's your stocking.
(Choked up): Oh, boy.
Yeah, there it is.
- Hey, Ed? - Hmm? Do you know how to make a cosmopolitan? Of course, of course, yeah.
I just won't.
Okay.
What are you doing here? Well, after your little performance at work, I thought I'd stop by and find out why you hated my gift.
I didn't hate it.
I loved it.
Best gift I ever got.
And the Oscar goes to anybody else.
Come on, why did you hate it? All right, all right.
I didn't like it.
You know who gets streets named after them? Dead guys.
This is why I gave it to you this year and not next year.
Made me realize that my career at Outdoor Man is really over.
You also realize you could come back to work anytime you wanted? When a man wakes up in the morning, he needs to wake up with a purpose.
You see, I'm not needed at Outdoor Man.
I realize that now, thanks to you.
Doesn't sound like you're very grateful.
I actually am.
I need to look forward, Mikey, not backwards.
All right, I think I understand.
You know what? I don't think you do, really.
You know why I tend bar here? Sure.
You don't have to pay for Sex on the Beach.
Because I like to talk to the veterans here who feel the same way I do.
Like Billy there.
Yeah, look at him.
He ran a munitions depot.
Huge warehouse.
Yes, moved ordnance all over the Middle East.
Yeah.
Now he drives an Uber.
Really? Yeah, just until he finds a place that can use his unique skills.
We all have hope.
Yep.
- You make a great bartender.
- Yeah.
Listen, if you want to give me another gift, I could use a a new cashmere coat.
You know, I think I'm done giving gifts.
What do I look like, Santa Claus? - Oh, Kris, what are you doing here? - Hmm.
Nutcracker started, what, a half hour ago.
You're gonna miss the "Dance of the Fairy Nuts," or whatever.
I'm gonna be completely honest with you.
The Nutcracker can kiss my ass.
This kid! Isn't this great? Th-The Christmas spirit burst in here, grabbed them by their throats and won't let them leave.
Sounds like a scary Christmas movie.
"This year, Santa doesn't care who's naughty or nice everybody's gettin' it.
" Hey, take a look at this Christmas tree.
I made it look fabulous from every angle.
It's the Beyoncé of Christmas trees.
If you like it, then you better put a star on it.
Starting to regret putting a ring on it.
Hey, Dad, look how good Kyle's getting at stringing popcorn.
Yeah, the key I've learned is making sure you pop it first.
And I made my special family cocoa recipe.
The secret ingredient is (Whispers): peppermint schnapps.
Kristin: Mmm.
Ah, Ryan made mine extra secret.
Is this okay? I know we were planning on it just being the two of us.
As hard as I try, I just can't get sick of these kids.
Yeah.
It's just too bad Eve's not here, huh? - (Sighs): Well - (Doorbell rings) Oh, my God Oh, it's Chuck.
- Vanessa: Hi.
How are you? - Chuck: Hey, everybody.
I got those personnel requests you wanted.
Thank you, man, good for you.
Boy, you military guys sure get the job done, don't you? Yes! Well, you asked a Marine for a thorough job.
That's like asking the Pope to go to church.
You know he's gonna stay for the whole Mass.
I just wish I had more guys like you.
(Chuckles): Well, thanks, Baxter.
Someone's getting a cheesecake.
Feel free to regift.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
- Merry Christmas, Chuck.
- Merry Christmas.
- Good-bye.
- Merry Christmas, Chuck.
Hey, honey? I got a little errand to do.
But, honey, the whole family's here.
I know, I got to go to a bar.
Hey.
Look, I'm glad I found you before you took off - on your trip.
- Yeah? What's this? It's a chance for you to give me a nice gift, you cheap bastard.
Because of the awesome job I'm doing at Outdoor Man, we're expanding.
These are personnel reports from each department.
We're looking for new hires.
Well, thanks for explaining the business to me.
Let me return the favor by reminding you that you have a personnel department.
You know exactly the kind of people I want for these jobs.
So you came here to brag, huh? You're a piece of work, Mikey.
Listen.
I want people looking for a place to apply their unique skills.
- You're talking about veterans? - Mm-hmm.
These people? And I'm looking for somebody who knows their specific skill sets, so they can match them to the correct position.
Ed we need you.
I'd say you're just being nice, but we both know that's that's not your strong suit.
Listen, this isn't just Denver.
I mean, this is all the stores.
We're gonna be doing a lot of new hires.
Yeah.
Obviously, we'd coordinate with local VFWs and the VA.
Also, I could reach out to the discharge offices - of military bases.
- Yep.
Sounds like a lot of work for a guy who just started his career as a bartender.
Department of Labor has a Veterans' Employment - and Training site.
I'll contact them.
- Mm-hmm.
I like the fact you still use paper, Mikey.
Well, you know me old-fashioned.
Yeah, me, too, pal.
No, I'd like you to make me an old-fashioned.
Yeah.
Please.
I've got work to do.
Now, what the hell are you doing here? Wow.
I missed your sunny disposition.
Mikey, they always said you give the best gifts.
They're right.
We should do this again next year.
It's way more fun than going to the ballet.
Yeah.
I'm a little bummed.
I mean, when will I ever get another chance to see The Nutcracker at Christmas? You know, this might be the schnapps talking, - but I love you guys.
- Vanessa: Aw.
Mmm, it's definitely the schnapps.
(Chuckles) But me, too! Cheers, everyone! Geez, settle down, people.
Hey, Dad.
I don't know what's more lit, the tree or you people.
Where where'd you go? Uh, VFW Hall.
Worked something out with Ed.
Oh.
Well, good.
I'm glad you're back.
You know, I was excited about starting a new tradition with just the two of us, but I'm glad the kids want to keep our old family traditions alive.
Well, we have these traditions, 'cause a lot of brave men and women fought for them.
Yeah.
I guess the only thing we have left to do is to put the star on the tree.
Yeah.
Eve used to do that, but I guess I'll do it, 'cause none of you should get on a stepladder, I'll tell you that right now.
Wait, Mom, where is the star? Well, since your dad and I were planning on starting - a new tradition, I-I ordered a new one -Mike: What? And it is being delivered right now.
(Doorbell rings) Who delivers a star that fast? Ooh, maybe it's Santa.
Oh, I haven't finished my list.
Hey, hey - (Laughs) - Hey, Dad! Merry Christmas! I thought it was gonna be Chuck.
I was supposed to bring a star.
Hey, you are the star.
Come on in.
- Come here! Hi.
- Hi.
Yeah.
How did you do this? Well, when the kids decided to stay and help decorate, I called Eve and-and convinced her to hop on the bus.
Yeah, which sounded horrible, so I took an Uber.
Mmm.
Wait a minute.
You took an Uber? - Yeah.
You owe me $111.
- (Laughter) Well, it was so worth it to have you here.
Shouldn't we all get $111? You know what? This family loves its traditions.
Yeah.
Old-fashioned.
Yeah, yeah, we are kind of old-fashioned.
No.
I'm gonna make an old-fashioned.
Four calling birds, three French hens Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree.
You know why that's called "The Twelve Days of Christmas"? 'Cause that's how long it takes to sing the damn song.
All right? Guys, we got to think - of something else.
- Okay, don't anyone go anywhere.
- We have written a new Christmas carol.
- Oh.
- It's gonna be a classic.
- (Clearing throats) Hark, now listen to us sing How Baxters do their Christmas thing Mom, she sips her spiked eggnog MandY: Dad records his Yuletide vlog Kristin, MandY and Eve: A drive to the ER In the snow Because Kyle ate mistletoe It was one time.
Fruitcake sitting under the tree That's for Ryan, it's gluten-free Kristin, MandY and Eve: Dad thinks we've Gone on too long So we will end our Baxter song.
I love it, I love it.
Thank you, guys.
I hope that's not my only Christmas gift.
Oh, uh, uh, well, we have another.
Uh - Mike: Great.
- Hmm? We wish you a Baxter Christmas We wish you a Baxter Christmas We wish you a Baxter Christmas And a happy New Year!