Last Man Standing s07e11 Episode Script

Common Ground

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is that the banner Mom put up for me when I came home? Yes, it is.
Can you see where we changed it? No.
It's a marvel of engineering.
God bless America.
So, did the Academy hassle you for taking a couple days off? No.
I told my C.
that Mom was having another kid, so if anyone asks, Jen is a newborn, and Dad is Asian.
I can't believe Dad agreed to let a foreign exchange student live here.
He hates guests.
No, he doesn't.
He loves them.
Every time I talk about eventually moving out, he always says he's "counting the days.
" All right, let's go.
I just got a text from your mom.
She's on her way.
Not real good with the emojis, unless she's actually bringing a unicorn, an eggplant and three little turds.
Hey, are you gonna be able to get through the next six months with a stranger living in this house? Yeah, it's like a horror movie It Came from Abroad.
I'm gonna be fine.
Those two girls'll be talking to each other.
That means I don't have to talk to either one of them.
No, I-I think you two are gonna get super close, and you're gonna be heartbroken when she's gone.
Just like me, right, Mr.
B? Yeah.
Counting the days, Kyle.
- Oh.
Hey, babe.
- Guess who I have with me? - (Laughing): Hey.
- I hope it's Jen.
We made a sign.
Hello, everyone.
- Hi, Jen.
It's good to see you again.
- Mike: Hi, Jen.
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
Hong Kong is British, right? Morning, Jen.
- Good morning, Mr.
- (Laughs) (Groans) Wow, the coffee looks a lot like tea.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't find a kettle.
Yeah, I hide the kettle so no one will make tea.
You're up early.
The early bird.
That's an expression.
I know.
It means I get to eat the worm.
I've learned a lot of American expressions.
Don't count your chickens, a bird in the hand, all your eggs in one basket.
You people learn a lot of lessons from birds.
You should see us flip them while we're in traffic.
So, you got the paper.
Yes, reading the paper helps me with my English.
If I see a word I want to use more, I circle it.
Oh, look at that.
You circled "boundaries.
" Have you looked that up? (Stammers) All right.
Let's see what's in the news today.
The stock market's up, voters in Ohio approved a new racetrack, and one of the bachelorettes is back in rehab.
Saved me a little bit of time, didn't you? If you'd just finish the crossword puzzle, I won't have anything to Look it.
You've done that.
You finished the crossword puzzle.
Oh, no.
I'm upsetting your routine.
I hope you don't also do the Sudoku.
Not today.
Vanessa! Yay! Oh, hi.
(Laughing): Okay.
Oh, my goodness, so, you're also a morning person.
My, it's a small world.
And a small kitchen.
Hey, the mail came.
It came yesterday, too, Kyle.
That's what mail does.
You know, Mr.
Alzate sent away to this company to find out his ancestry.
Hey, wouldn't it be cool if in a previous life he was Cleopatra? That's not how it works.
And-and he already knows who his ancestors are.
He tells me twice a day that they're from (Imitating Ed): "the great Basque region of Spain.
" Hey, Kyle.
Kyle, did it come? Uh, let's see.
B, Mr.
It doesn't look like it's here, Mr.
Uh, maybe tomorrow.
Oh, damn it.
You know who has the best mail service? The great Basque region of Spain.
Isn't that where your people are from, Ed? Oh, yes, yes, yes, and another little-known fact the Basque invented soup.
Oddly enough, a bisque.
Hey, uh, why is it so important for you to get this report if you already know what it's gonna say? Because I want to be certain.
You don't know who you truly are unless you know where you come from.
- Yeah, he's right.
- (Chuckles) For years, I thought my father was an arsonist.
And then, my mom explained to me that he was actually a bigamist.
- Talk about relief.
- (Laughs) Hey, hey.
Hey, look here.
On this website, they have an example of one of their DNA reports.
You know, with a little photoshopping, we could get this to say whatever we want about where Ed comes from.
Why would we do that? Well, it'd be fun to see Ed find out he isn't as Basque as he thinks he is.
Mike: This is great.
Broncos on TV, you and I drinking, cursing, no women around.
Want me to pull your finger for old times' sake? Only if we're trailing in the fourth quarter.
Ah, it's always so nice to see you guys having fun together.
We're not having fun.
Sitting here on this couch together guarantees a Broncos victory.
Well, I thought it'd be nice if you asked Jen to watch the game with you.
I was, I was just about to.
Are you sure? I don't really know much about American football.
Well, that's just about to change.
Uh, sit down.
Careful where you sit.
He's superstitious.
I'm not that superstitious.
Sit down.
- Okay.
- Uh, no, no.
Don't, don't, don't.
All right, well, I am off to teach osmosis to a fifth grader.
I just hope he absorbs it.
Ah! That wasn't a bad pun.
That was pretty funny, actually.
Uh, no.
No, that wasn't a pun.
He's not smart.
Okay, still first quarter.
We're playing the Chargers.
White helmet with the little lightning bolt.
We don't like them.
All right, you got any questions, just fire 'em out.
Let's watch a little, huh? Why do they wear their face masks? Is that so they don't bite each other? I I-I don't know.
They use their hands much more than they use their feet.
Why isn't it called handball? Uh, I-I don't know.
Okay, go, go, go, go.
(Grunts softly) - Fair catch.
- Fair catch.
Baxter, does it help your team when you wear their blouses? They're actually they're called jerseys.
You know what? We should just watch the game and then, ask the questions at the end or something like that.
Oh, there's a commercial.
I got a ball in the yard.
- You want to go kick it around? - No, no, no, no! - Yes! - If you leave, you take the mojo with ya.
Sorry, Dad.
Got to be a good host.
Well, I hope we're not trailing in the fourth quarter.
I can't pull my own finger.
Mike, can we talk? Or you still not over your little disappointment? Listen, a little disappointment would be the doctor saying, - "You're going to have another girl.
" - Oh.
This is a big thing.
The Broncos lost.
So how is that my fault? Because you made Jen watch the game with us.
Then she and Eve took off, went outside, took the mojo with them.
The Broncos end up losing the game.
- It's science.
- Oh.
Well, I'm sorry.
I just want you two to get along.
- Why is that so important? - (Sighs) Because, honey, Jen is gonna be here for six months.
I want her to feel like this is her home, and-and not feel like she's got to tiptoe around the master of the house.
"Master of the house.
" How come we don't use that term more often? Come on.
This is supposed to be a great experience for her.
I'm not asking you to be her best friend.
- You just have to be nice.
- Go with me on this.
How about if I'm absent? 'Cause if you think about it, that would be nice.
You're going to find something you two have in common, and you're gonna bond.
I'm a middle-aged man from Colorado.
She's a teenager from Hong Kong.
The only thing on that Venn diagram are egg rolls.
(Scoffs) Well, keep-keep trying things, okay? Why-why don't you take Jen to Outdoor Man? It's everything you love under one roof.
Your solution to not getting along with her at home is take her to work with me? He hasn't come out yet? You gave him that fake report, like, two hours ago.
I don't know.
I still don't know if we should be messing with a person's DNA.
You know, we're not scientists.
It's just a joke, Kyle.
It still says he's Basque.
I just added a little French, a little Russian and a whole lot of black.
(Both laugh quietly) ED: Chuck! Chuck, get in here! Wait.
Did he sound mad to you? Really mad, but the Russians are a hot-tempered people.
Hey, Ed.
My brother! Oh.
Uh, what's happening? I have great, great news.
I want to share it with one of my people.
Chuck, I'm black.
Ed, that DNA report Has changed my life.
Look at this.
I'm 37 and a half percent West African.
- Uh-huh.
- All right? My people were traced to what is now Nigeria.
Uh, uh, where are your people from, Chuck? St.
Ed, don't you find it a little hard to believe that you're black? No, no, th-this answers everything.
See, my-my father always seemed like he was keeping a secret, but now that I know what it was, I finally feel close to him.
This this is a blessing.
Oh, God.
Hey, Kyle? Kyle? Kyle, would you? Uh, oh! Okay.
- Just stay close, Kyle.
Come on.
- Yes, sir.
Ed just found out he's black, and his whole childhood suddenly makes sense.
- Mr.
Alzate's black? - Yeah.
That doesn't seem possible.
For too long the white man has tried to tell us what's possible.
Right, Chuck? Yeah, man.
It's really held you back.
Listen, I-I-I got to get back to work.
No, no, no, no, just-just (Chuckles) You're sticking close to me.
No, no.
You have to enlighten me on everything about our culture.
- Our culture? - Yeah, sit down.
How we eat.
- Oh.
- How we dance, how we love.
Uh, I am not showing you how we love, Ed.
We'll start with our history, all right? Kyle, go find us a copy of Roots.
That's nine and a half hours! Oh, we've been through worse, my brother! We got hunting, fishing, rock climbing over here.
It's ski season now, so got ski masks.
Very popular with the bank robbers.
Oh, dear.
I'm kidding.
It's a joke.
But you do have a lot of crime in America, right? We're number one.
Um hey, hey, like boats? We'll go see the boats.
They're, uh, beautiful.
It's a whole area, um What am I saying? You're from Hong Kong.
You're a huge seaport.
You're, like, lousy with boats.
Yes, but I still get excited seeing new ones.
I think you're just being polite with me.
No, not at all.
That would be the polite thing to say.
Uh, let's take a different tack.
What are your interests? We have a huge store.
There's got to be something in here that'd be cool for you.
I really like origami.
We don't have that.
Oh, hey, Kris, come here a minute.
- Hi.
- Jen, I'd like you to meet Kristin, my eldest daughter.
She runs the restaurant here.
Jen, finally.
Mom won't stop talking about you.
I mean, she loves talking in general, but she really loves talking about you.
(Chuckles) How, uh, how's my old room treating you? Oh, that's your room? It's awesome.
Good, good.
Later, I'll, uh, show you the best way to (Quietly): sneak out the window.
- (Chuckling) - After that, you can introduce her to your son Boyd, the result of sneaking out the window.
He's kidding.
It It's funny 'cause it's true.
(Chuckles) It is so cool you manage this place.
My auntie runs a noodle shop in Hong Kong.
I practically grew up there.
Oh, well, the lunch rush is almost over.
Do you want to tour the kitchen? Yes, that would be awesome.
Baxter, may I please be excused to join Kristin? Sure, I think you and I have had enough fun.
Oh, that was another joke.
(Forced laugh) Uh, do you want something to eat first? We have coconut shrimp in the buffet.
- I love coconut shrimp.
- (Chuckles) - (Squeals) - (Laughs) - I hate coconut shrimp.
- Oh, I know that look.
It's the same one you had when Mom told you to try and bond with Ryan.
This is unbelievable.
She gets along with every human she runs into.
But she can't get over being polite to me.
Well, you just have to find something to do with her that makes her so comfortable she forgets that you make her uncomfortable.
What time do you want her back? I'm thinking, um June.
And then you fold that corner to there and that triangle to there and origami.
More like bore-igami.
I can't believe they killed a tree for this stuff.
Hey, you want to learn origami or not? Oh, God, no, I do not want to.
I'm doing this for your mom.
I'm just doing this so that Jen will feel more at home here.
It'd be easier to get rid of your mom.
- Ah.
- What? I just think it's funny that you think sharing an interest with her is the key to getting along.
I feel at home here, and you're not interested in anything I care about.
I care about a lot of stuff you're interested in.
Why didn't you come to my first beauty pageant? You-you were in a beauty pageant? Yeah, second place.
Completely rigged.
Look, it doesn't matter if you're interested.
We love hanging out with each other.
That's 'cause I'm your dad, and, by law, I'm required to do that.
And I have grown to appreciate your hurtful sense of humor.
Because I think you know that mockery is the sincerest form of flattery.
You're just not comfortable when you have to be nice to people.
Maybe that's your problem with Jen.
I think you might have just nailed it.
Thank you.
Hey, wait, is that more of your hurtful humor? ED: Okay, now, - so, we've covered soul food.
- Uh-huh.
- And soul music, right? - Mm.
All right.
Tell me about this-this Soul Train.
(Sighs) Okay, y-you don't need to know all this stuff, Ed.
There's not going to be a test.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Please, explain something.
Explain Arsenio.
- (Groans) - See, I-I just - I-I never got him.
- Okay.
All right, I can't do this anymore.
I faked the DNA results.
This whole thing was supposed to be a joke.
- Excuse me? - (Scoffs) You were driving us crazy with your constant bragging about being Basque, and I-I just wanted to have a little fun.
A little fun? With a man's ancestry? With my unresolved father issues? I-In my defense, I thought you'd see right through it.
You know, my uncle got his ear chewed off by a billy goat.
Maybe there's a laugh in that! Huh? - I'm - (Knocking) Hey.
Hey, guys.
Uh, I'm headed home.
I just wanted to see how everybody's doing.
The world's turned upside down, Kyle.
Turns out I'm not black.
I am shocked that somebody would mess with your DNA.
We're not scientists.
You knew.
(Sighs) Look, I'm-I'm sorry, Mr.
I wanted to tell you, but you kept saying you were done listening to the Man.
I'm sorry, too, Ed.
And if it makes you feel any better, it's not easy being a black man in Denver.
Or anywhere.
Well, then I guess I'm back to being Basque.
Hey, being Basque is great, sir.
- Yeah.
- The-the history, the traditions, the soup.
Well, that's-that's true, yeah.
There's one more good thing about being Basque.
- Chuck: Mm.
- Yes.
(Clears throat) We can't be fooled.
Uh-oh Yeah.
Turns out, Beverly gave me the real test results before you "found" my report.
I'm 82% Basque.
And 100% too smart for you idiots.
(Chuck laughs) You made me watch Madea Goes to Jail! (Laughing) Not cool.
(All laugh) That's a good one, Ed.
Come on, Kyle.
Kyle, Kyle.
(Laughs): Just a minute.
There's just one more thing I-I found in that report.
(Chuckles) I'm seven percent Norwegian.
Hey, I'm Norwegian.
Yes, I know, I know.
(Chuckles) Come sit down, my little brother.
All right, now, Chuck, uh, Chuck, go find us a copy of Frozen.
Oh, there you are.
Oh, yes, but I-I don't have to be.
No, no, no, you're-you're fine where you are.
Listen, um, do me a favor and cut the TV off, okay? Thanks.
Listen, um do you think I'm a nice guy? Of course, Mr.
I'm not.
I'm really sometimes quite a jerk.
I don't know how to respond to that.
I'm looking for things that we have in common so that we're comfortable around each other.
Well, that doesn't seem right.
My father and I get along great, and we don't have anything in common.
Except that we both think I'm adorable.
(Chuckles) That's the kind of stuff you you shouldn't actually say out loud.
So I think you should say more stuff like that.
But wouldn't that be rude? (Sighs) Would you rather be polite and uncomfortable or rude and comfortable? Can't you be polite and comfortable? Eh Being polite so often requires you to just care about what other people are doing and what they're feeling.
Being comfortable, sometimes you just do what you want and other people just deal with it.
(Chuckles) - I think I get it.
- Yeah? So, if I wanted to be comfortable, I would say football sucks, soccer rules, and I do all my shopping online.
Origami's boring, and playing football with your feet is stupid.
(Scoffs) And tea is for old women.
So, from now on, I should just act the way I want and not worry about being polite? Yeah.
Do whatever you want to do until I say don't.
That's the way it works around here.
(Speaking Chinese) It's a little fast.
I didn't catch the last of that.
Something my father says.
Roughly translated, "I pay for that cell phone and the clothes on your back, so watch it, Miss Thing.
" God, I like your dad a lot already.
So, just let me see the remote here.
- I was watching a movie.
- Don't care.
That's not fair.
You have a whole nother room you can watch TV in.
Eh, still, don't care.
Ugh! I feel like I'm at home.
There we go.
(Speaks Chinese) Hey.
It's coffee.
As it should be.
(Clears throat) (Clears throat) No.
(Sighs) (Scoffs) Did you read this thing about (Clears throat) Good morning, you two! (Both clear throats) Huh.
I knew they'd find something in common.

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