Last Man Standing s08e07 Episode Script

Bedtime Story

You mind keeping it down? Well, I just don't get it.
It's practical, economical, and user-friendly.
Yeah, man, you're preaching to the choir.
There is no good reason why America hasn't embraced the spork.
Mikey, what's your take on the spork? - The spork? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, I think he took way too much attention away from Buzz.
(GROANS) I didn't sleep well last night.
Ah, what's keeping you up? My wife's snoring.
Awake, she's the most elegant woman ever.
Asleep, she's like a blender full of nails.
Is there something wrong with her? This is a new thing? She's always snored, I just didn't notice it, but now I do, 'cause I'm getting up three times a night to pee.
Only three times? I'm about to start sleeping in the bathroom.
You have spare bedrooms in that house.
Try sleeping in one of those.
Yeah, couples sleep in separate bedrooms all the time.
They're called "apart-ners".
Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband swear by it.
Yeah, I've Someone left a People magazine in the john.
Well, if there's any group of people who I want to emulate their lifestyle, it's those left-wing loonies out in Hollywood.
Hey, hey, hey, Carol and I sleep in separate bedrooms.
The woman kicks like a professional soccer player, and I got tired of being the ball.
What about the fun part of sharing a bed? Hmm? Like, like spooning? Or sporking? No, seriously, have you ever brought up the idea of separate bedrooms to Vanessa? It would be too strange.
After 30 years of marriage, I-I couldn't do it.
I mean, maybe Does it surprise you guys? I don't like change.
Hmm, we know.
You still have an AOL account.
So, what'd you guys think of the vegan chili? Oh, it was great.
If you make it again, I'd add a little more salt.
And ground beef.
Hope you guys saved room for dessert.
Oh, uh, yeah, and this is not just any type of dessert.
It is a very special cake.
You made it? Oh, goody.
A cake without the things that make cake "cake".
"Will you be our baby's godparents?" Godparents.
Are you serious? Dead serious.
Now, do we bake you a cake that says "yes"? I thought aunt was a good job, but godparents? A parent sent by God.
Uh, yeah.
You guys were our first choice.
Well, I asked the Obamas knew it was a long shot.
I don't know anything about being a godfather.
I guess I'll have to watch that movie.
The Godfather.
No-no research necessary.
You guys are gonna be great.
Oh, I can't wait.
I'm gonna do so many things for my little goddaughter.
Decorate her little nursery, buy her little shoes, style her little hair with a little comb, with a little brush, with a little Ooh! - I'm so excited.
- (LAUGHS) She's very lucky to have you both.
I mean, you think they would have at least responded with a form letter.
It just doesn't seem like Michelle.
(SPUTTERS, SIGHS) You okay? (CHUCKLES) Something bothering you? Yeah, just thinking about what a selfish S.
I am.
Never bothered you before.
Um what-what do you mean, you're selfish? I just don't know how I can sleep knowing all the noise I make is gonna, you know, keep you awake.
Oh, no, don't-don't worry.
It's not that bad.
Sleeping with me, it's-it's it's got to be like sleeping, you know, with a blender full of nails.
Or, you know, or whatever you think I sound like.
(LAUGHS) You know, it's your bed, too.
Don't-don't worry about me.
Damn it, I will worry about you.
Honey, tonight I'm gonna just sleep in Mandy's old room.
Well, honey, I don't care if you wake me, I swear.
- I-I - Listen, you're just an angel.
You are an angel, and the last thing you want to do in this world is wake an angel.
It's in the Bible.
Honey, I (WHISTLING A TUNE) Hey, Jen.
How are you this lovely, fine day, huh? Confused.
Were you whistling? Yes, I was whistling.
Why wouldn't I be whistling? Sun's out, birds are singing.
It's a beautiful zip-a-dee-doo-dah day.
Why are you so happy? Are you sending me back to Hong Kong? I haven't slept this well in months.
I feel like a young Mike Baxter.
And not just because I had a dream about me being on my Kawasaki triple, Stevie Nicks holding on tight, whispering sweet stuff in my ear.
He sounds like a cool guy.
Coffee? No, no.
I don't need coffee.
I'm full of energy, hope, optimism.
I-I could (CHUCKLES) I could almost vote for a Democrat.
If I slept like this all the time, what-what couldn't I accomplish? Get the summit of Everest, you know, write my memoirs, finally quarterback for the Broncos.
Flacco, I'm coming for you, buddy.
- Ugh.
- (CHUCKLES) - Good morning, Vanessa.
- Ugh! You didn't sleep well? No, not a wink.
You know, it was sweet of you to try a separate bedroom, but obviously we will never do that again.
Tonight you ride alone, Stevie.
CHUCK: Here you go, Ed.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Is Mike in yet? No.
You think we gave him good advice yesterday, Ed? Hmm? Honestly, I do not know.
Uh, what did we tell him again? We told him to try separate beds, Ed.
Well, I'm sorry I have a life.
Excuse me.
I mean, I love the guy, but I don't sit around thinking about him all day long.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, me neither.
Hey, boys.
Guess what I ate my eggs with this morning.
A spork.
(BOTH LAUGH) Oh, you're in a good mood.
I guess the separate bedrooms idea worked.
Well, not for Vanessa.
She hated it so much she never wants to do that again.
Do you know how awful it feels to be in paradise just for a moment, then get kicked out on your ass? Yes, I do.
Jimmy Buffett concert, 1997.
Apparently I was dancing too suggestively.
I'm just gonna tell her she snores.
No, no, no, that's-that's a bad idea.
Uh, truth in marriage only works out for one person: the divorce lawyer.
Yeah, man, think about it.
There's got to be a reason why you never told her before.
Yeah, because my wife is an extremely kind and caring individual.
I would never do anything to hurt her feelings.
But? But I had a good night's sleep.
I think she can handle it.
Well, it'll definitely land them in separate bedrooms.
You're still on that? Get a life.
- Hey.
What you doing? - Hey.
Decorating the nursery.
So my daughter's first bedroom is going to be pink.
Well, you're having a girl.
(LAUGHS) Uh, and it's not just pink.
It is Flamingo, Cotton Candy, Bubble Gum, and Ballet Slipper.
Yeah, those are as different as night and evening.
Um, hey, look, Mandy, I-I really wanted a non-gender- specific nursery for our baby.
I-I don't want the decor to put any limitations on her.
It doesn't.
This room tells her she's a princess.
Princesses set fashion trends, they start diet fads.
If that's not power, then what is? Okay, um look, just imagine a generation that isn't locked into these outdated stereotypes.
I really want my daughter to be a part of that, and she can't do that from underneath a pink blanket.
(SCOFFS) This is Blushing Cherry Blossom.
Are you blind? Well, it's my baby, my house, and you're just the decorator.
I'm not just the decorator.
I am not just the aunt.
I am the godmother to a princess! Get out of my fairy tale! Whoa.
What's with all the yelling? Uh, your sister is imposing archaic, patriarchal strictures on our unborn daughter.
And Ryan is being a butt.
Well, knock it off, both of you.
Okay? This baby, and having you and Kyle be the godparents, is about bringing us all together as a family.
- Okay - Yeah, but I don't want to hear it! Okay? You need to work this out.
I am not letting the two of you ruin this for me.
My body is flooded with love hormones! VANESSA: Hi.
- How was work? Hey.
- Well - Mwah.
- Work was the usual.
You know, taxing.
Everybody coming to me to solve their relationship problems.
Coming to you? Why, were there no brick walls to talk to? (CHUCKLES): Oh, man.
You are beautiful, funny, and so understanding.
Mike? You snore.
What? Yeah, you-you've been snoring a lot lately.
I mean, with an extraordinary amount of gusto, I might add.
(SCOFFS) No, I don't think I snore.
(CHUCKLING): I-I beg to differ.
I think I'd get the neighbors on both sides of us to agree.
And possibly the U.
Geological Service.
So is this what all that nonsense was about separate bedrooms? You said you didn't want to disturb me.
That's called lying.
Well, why did you feel you had to lie? If you'd just told me I snore, I would stop.
(CHUCKLES) Y-You would just stop.
Vanessa (STAMMERS) people spend billions of dollars a year trying to ease their snoring, but you can just stop.
Yeah, of course I can, and after I do, we're gonna drop all this talk about separate bedrooms, okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
So this is honesty.
No wonder nobody does it.
- Hey.
(SIGHS) (CRYING): It's so cold.
Here, come over here and sit down.
Come-come on.
Come on, Vanessa, sit down.
I'll make us something.
- There you go, come on, sit for a second.
- Oh, yeah.
You're right, you're right.
This is much better.
(GRUNTS) You - Catch me! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You startled me.
Listen Listen, I'm-I'm You didn't sleep so well.
O-Or you slept so well while you were sleeping, somebody stole your mind? Okay, fine.
All right, maybe I-I had a rough night, honey.
One rough night? I don't One, two, four, I Don't make me count.
I Baby, we can't keep doing this.
We've got to do something.
I know.
Look, just, Mike, no-no, not separate bedrooms again, okay? I-I don't want to sleep without you.
I-I mean, when I was doing all the roadwork for Outdoor Man, I was gone forever.
You slept good then.
No, I know, but it wasn't a problem then.
Yes, you were gone, but I knew you were coming back.
I-I'm not going anywhere, I'm just down the hall.
Yeah, right.
You're right, in the kids' room, because they left.
Mike, so much has changed in our lives.
Don't-don't don't change this, too.
I won't, I won't.
But I-I want you to be able to sleep.
(CHUCKLES) You probably shouldn't have told me that it breaks your heart if I sleep in another room, then.
We're gonna take care of this.
We're gonna do something.
We'll-we'll figure this out.
We'll figure this out, okay? - Hmm, mm-hmm.
- Good.
All right, well, I'm just gonna, uh, take a shower - and try to wake up.
- Great, great.
And I'll make us some eggs, you come back down You can go to the shower up where it usually is, upstairs.
What even was the name of that store, Crappy's House of Crap? Fine, Mandy.
You didn't like the rug that I picked out.
Forgive me for wanting to have any say in what my daughter's room is going to look like.
Well, of course I forgive you, Ryan.
It's your taste that's unforgivable.
I know, we're not supposed to be arguing.
Just forget you saw that.
I'm afraid I can't.
It's out of my hands.
What? What does that mean? The Godfather would like to see you both.
(IMITATING DON CORLEONE): How did things ever get so far? I don't know.
It's so unfortunate, so unnecessary.
Kyle, what are you ? Eh We are en familia, in the family, but these things that you're saying to one another, they're the-the words of strangers, the words of animals.
(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY) And now I hear you're fighting over a rug.
A rug.
Yeah, but it was super ugly.
This this is super ugly.
Uh, okay, uh, Kyle (CHUCKLES) glad you liked the movie.
(NORMAL VOICE): I watched them all.
They were awesome.
Um, but this is our baby.
Okay, uh, why did you even make me the godmother, then? You know, I don't know.
I don't even know what we were thinking.
KRISTIN: Ryan, stop.
No, you know exactly what we were thinking.
- Why don't-why don't you just tell her? - What? No.
I'm not gonna do that.
It doesn't matter.
(IMITATING DON CORLEONE): Ryan, I'm gonna make you an offer that you Okay, enough.
Ryan, just-just tell her what you said to me.
I don't even remember, exactly.
(SIGHS) Okay, fine, I do.
You said that if you could give our daughter the secret that is inside of Mandy, the thing that makes her so alive and so in love with the world, it would be the best gift we could ever give her.
You said that? I don't know.
I guess.
Okay, I did.
(NORMAL VOICE): Oh, boy, here it comes.
So, if the two of you could I don't know work together on this, yeah? Yeah, we should.
We should.
The-the rug wasn't horrible.
Thank you.
Uh, but maybe the one with the pink pattern would be better.
- Back to the store? - Okay.
Thank you for stepping in, Godfather.
- Just when I think I'm out, they pull me - Nope! MIKE: I just want you to know I-I will move heaven and earth to keep sharing the bed with my lovely wife, okay? Oh, honey, that is so sweet of you to say.
So-so, am I supposed to just forget that you said I sound like a pig farm? Pretty sure I said slaughterhouse.
Oh, wow.
Look at that bed.
(LAUGHS) So this is why you kept me out of the house all day.
Our old one's on the way to the dump to make a fine home for some stray cats.
Oh, look at this.
Gosh, just like a hospital bed except, you know, without all the pain of childbirth.
(MIKE CHUCKLES) Well, I did a little research.
It turns out changing your sleep position can help with your snoring, and this thing goes from flat to taco.
(VANESSA CHUCKLES) Honey, this is so thoughtful.
Um, you want to, you want to push a button before my forehead touches my knees? (CHUCKLES) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yeah, h-ho There we go.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Ooh! (CHUCKLES) Uh, so what if this doesn't work? I have a plan B, the Nature Spa 3000.
It's a sound machine.
All right? I realize that when I was in the Amazon, I could be lulled to sleep by the beautiful sweet sounds of nature (ANIMALS SCREECHING) And that's supposed to drown out my snoring? Can't hear you, honey.
Right there we got the beautiful, sweet sound of the howler monkey and the bulldog bat.
(ANIMALS CONTINUE SCREECHING) You know what? I am so touched that you went to all this trouble for me.
I mean, honey, you sure it wouldn't be easier for you to just sleep in Mandy's room? Then I wouldn't be able to sleep with you.
Oh, you better watch out, I'm coming down! Guys, I can't really sleep with all this noise.
- Can't hear you.
- Oh, those darn howler monkeys.
- Mmm.
Hey there, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man.
Talking today about gravitational pull, the diabolical force of physics that keeps us earthbound, skins our kids' knees, and makes plastic surgeons very, very rich.
Yeah, gravity is constantly pulling at us, relentlessly as a telemarketer, until eventually it swallows us right into the ground.
Happy thought, huh? Of course, the Earth itself would fly off into space if it weren't for the pull of the Sun's gravity.
It was my close friend Copernicus who reached the blasphemous conclusion that the Sun was the center of the universe.
Can you imagine that, huh? But he escaped the punishment of the church in a very clever way.
Right after publishing his ideas, he croaked.
(LAUGHS) Nobody tell Hemingway, but the Sun doesn't actually rise.
It just sits there with its arms folded while the puny little Earth runs laps around it like an overcaffeinated Chihuahua.
I'm not a flat-earther or a geocentrist, but the Sun is not the center of my universe.
My lovely wife Vanessa is.
She's my rock, and her gravitational pull actually allows me to soar.
The harmonious way we orbit around each other is like the the music of spheres, which, of course, I've never heard because my rock snores like a congested wild hog.
And that is why we are selling sound machines, on sale this week at Outdoor Man.
Baxter out.
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