Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s04e09 Episode Script

I'm entitled this one day of the year to expect you to show some interest in the house instead of your pigeon shed, so by the time my family get here, I want you to be I want you to be smartened up with your shoes clean and a smile on your face.
Merry Christmas, Compo! Oh, come on! Make yourself pleasant to people.
It's not their fault they haven't got feathers.
Happy Christmas, Wally.
.
.
and all you can think about is your pigeons.
Fancy going out in your pyjamas! What will the neighbours say? I've had enough.
I'm working hard and all you can think about is your pigeons.
Merry Christmas, kid! Pissing Christmas.
That's a nice load of language for a Christmas morning.
- I hurt my ankle.
It's gone blue.
- Aye, so's your language.
- Hey, is that a Christmas present? - Aye.
Oh, I got a digital watch.
You can't see it in the daylight, only when it's dark.
Just sit up on that wall.
Rest your leg.
That's it.
I'll hold that for you.
Cor! 'Ey-up! - And a merry Christmas, vicar.
- Bless you.
Bless you, my boy.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- (vicar) Morning, Mrs Roberts.
- It was a lovely service Oooh! Oh, I I beg your pardon.
See, I was putting a glove on, you see, and I Th-the stick was getting in the way and fumbling I thought it would be better if I put it under me arm And a happy New Year.
(mouths) Ooh! I'll get the idea.
(ringing tone) - (man) Hello, are you t'fire brigade? - Hello, it's Norman.
Norman Clegg.
Hello? Hello! If you're t'fire brigade, come quick, me shed's on fire! - Is that you, Gordon? It's Norman Clegg.
- Red button, you fool! Put your money in.
I'll be with you in a minute, woman.
There's some fool on t'phone.
- Who are you? - Is that you, Gordon? - (phone beeps) - It might be t'fire brigade.
- Hello! Are you the fire brigade? - It's me, Gordon.
- Where's your engine? Send your engine! - I can't get the money in.
For God's sake, woman, get a bigger bucket! - Hello! It's not the fire brigade, Gordon.
- Then where are they? - It's Norman.
Norman Clegg.
- Oh, for God's sake, Clegg! What are you ringing me now for? Me shed's on fire! I just rang you to wish you There's Vera's bike in there, and me lawnmower! - .
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a merry Christmas, Gordon.
- (hangs up) Gordon? (? band plays ''Jingle Bells'' on TV) (groans) Ooh! (carol music) - (brass band carol music) - Oh, 'eck! Why don't we open the presents? ? God rest ye merry gentlemen Christmas comes but once a year.
lt just seems longer.
I'm used to spending it in the army.
Christmas in khaki, nothing to beat it.
- The thing about Christmas - The army does them better.
.
.
it seems such a long time coming.
Before the leaves have fallen these days, they've started advertising British sherry.
No one quite captures the spirit of Christmas like the military.
And it no sooner gets here than it seems to go on forever.
lt was at least a fortnight last year.
lt worries me the Russians don't have it, you know.
There you are, you see.
If you look close enough, there's some good in everybody.
No, God is the sort of self-employed person they won't tolerate.
But what will happen when they wake up to the fact that every year at Christmas England is more or less closed for a fortnight? - You think they might - Well, of course they might.
- They'd never get in.
- What's to stop them? On a bank holiday? There'd be a strike at every airport.
Nobody in his right mind plans any travelling during a bank holiday.
- What time's dinner? - Lunch.
Dinner is at night.
Oh, we have two dinners at Christmas? - We haven't got it in the oven yet.
- Oh, 'eck.
Look at him, Norm.
He's army-mad.
Look at the way he's bayoneting them poor little defenceless sausages.
- En garde! En garde! - Stop.
Stop that! There is nothing to stop you lending a hand, provided you have washed it since you last handled a ferret.
- These are for eating? - Yes, but not by you.
These are savoury snacks for any visitors who might pop in.
Well, I'm a visitor, and I've popped in.
You did not pop in.
You came in, dragging your feet like a small tip, subsiding.
Yeah, you should talk about small tips.
You have a word with that waiter down at the Chinese chippy.
Hello, what's this? - No! - Stop that! I'm making a cocktail! Anyway, Noddy, who do you think's gonna visit us at Christmas? Well, I can't forecast that exactly.
What do you want, a star above the chimney? Nobody is going to be visiting us.
Nobody.
We're gonna be stuck here like three muffins, looking at each other.
You can't rely on not having callers at this time of the year.
At this very hour the world is full of people stuffed to the gills with goodwill, just bursting to inflict it on somebody.
Think of it.
I mean, all this evening there's going to be ordinary, decent little families tucked up round their tellies, and then comes this heart-stopping ringing at the doorbell.
And we all know who's gonna be on the doorstep.
Some idiot they'd rather do without, wearing a big, boozy grin.
Nobody's going to be visiting us.
The last visitor I had were a bloke from the gas board, looking for a leak.
I can quite understand how he'd mistake your place for a public convenience.
lt were him from Hazlitt Street, stupid.
You know, married the eldest Badwood lass.
You'd think with a choice like that they'd never let him look for anything.
(whispers) Why don't we open the presents? We are not opening the presents.
No, we'll open them later on, after dinner lunch when we're all still at the festive board.
Well, I'm festering bored already.
How do you think I feel? I gave up smoking so that I'd live longer.
lt's at times like this you wonder if you're doing the right thing.
- I've got an idea! - What? - No, it doesn't matter.
- Oh, come on, come on! Why don't we open the presents? Will you shut up about the presents? Look, we've done the vegetables.
We'll leave the turkey on a low gas - Chicken.
- Oh.
Oh, well, whatever it is.
We'll leave it on a low gas and we'll go out for an hour.
lf nobody's going to visit us, we'll go out and visit somebody.
Serve them damn well right.
Why should they be enjoying themselves? - Visit who? - Old Edgar.
ln hospital, lying on his bed of pain on Christmas Day.
You mean we're going to visit the hospital on Christmas Day?! - We are.
- By 'eck! This is gonna be a Christmas to remember.
- Something to tell my grandchildren.
- You haven't got any grandchildren.
You haven't even got any children, for which, on behalf of British genetics, I'd like to offer you your country's deepest appreciation.
I've not met the right bird yet.
How about the one that looked like Mussolini? - Hilda? - That's right, Hilda Mussolini.
Christmas is magic when you're a kid.
Grown-ups never get any fun presents.
You could say that here, but I wouldn't in front of her from the cleaners.
I saw her last week sneaking into Mothercare.
He's only fishing to try to find out what we've bought him.
- I bet it isn't a skateboard.
- A skateboard? Of course it's not! What next? Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not spending that much on him.
You're honest.
I'd have pretended I wasn't buying him one for safety reasons.
No, no, no.
They're unbreakable, that kind, you know.
lf there was a gigantic earthquake, he'd come whistling out of the rubble with scarcely a scratch on his welly.
Norm, do you think I'm a failure? - Only if you judge by appearances.
- That's true.
For some it would be enough to recognise that you have a tiny forehead and low IQ.
- It would.
It would! - They wouldn't recognise that underneath you could be showing things like an aptitude for raggy vests.
Oop.
Sorry.
The guiding light for you of the feckless poor to adopt is ''leave it to Foggy''.
''Foggy will steer you right.
'' I'm taking you to the hospital, not merely to bring a little light into Edgar's life, but to try to raise your very depressed attitude to the festive season.
Yes, well, I want you to note those poor devils incarcerated in those wards, and then perhaps you will start to count your own blessings.
Best Christmas I've ever had.
To be quite honest, the only boring bit is visiting time.
You're right there, Edgar.
lt's boring me.
- He doesn't mean it, Edgar.
- Oh, yes, I do.
Oh, yes, he does.
Look at his face.
lt's bad enough having to look at you without looking at his face.
Norman happy yuletide! Will you remember where you are? lt's not advisable for anyone who looks like you to get stroppy in here.
They cut out and throw away better-looking bits than you.
Get stuffed! Keep your voice down, will you? People are looking.
People will think you're on parole from an institution.
We don't want to start a panic.
- Hey, Edgar, do you like my new watch? - Eh? lt tells you the time in little red numbers.
You see it better in the dark.
Here, under the bed.
Come down.
Come on, come on.
Will you look at him? It's not only water that keeps finding its own natural level.
- Can we give him away for Christmas? - We should have got him a skateboard.
Oh, Lord, can you imagine it? Robinson Crusoe on wheels.
Aaaaagh! Come out, come out of there! I'm sorry.
I beg your pardon.
- Will you behave yourself? - Hey, you can see it better under there! Really, how dare you? Stop it! Oh, well.
(whistles) Well, you're doing remarkably well, Edgar.
- What? Eh? - You're doing remarkably well, Edgar.
Oh, they're fabulous in here.
They can't do enough for you.
Well, you're a good colour.
lsn't he a good colour? What flaming colour do you expect him to be? 'Ey, they're marvellous.
They're even gonna change me glasses.
What they gonna give you for 'em? Another pair of glasses, you dozy beggar.
But you've already had them.
Why don't you ask them for an X-ray machine? I'll tell you what.
A year's supply of bandages.
- When are you going home, Edgar? - Oh, I'm not ready for that yet.
Hey, what have you heard? Who's been talking? They're not sending me home, are they? - Have you seen me scar? - I'd rather have a grape.
- I'd like to see your scar, Edgar.
- Sit down, I've told you before.
- No, let him have a look at it.
- We've the rest of the day to get through.
lt's not all going to be spent on looking at fun things like Edgar's scar.
(whistles) Oh, that's a terrible-looking thing.
lt's frightening.
And his scar's not much prettier.
- You counted them? - Certainly, I've counted them.
Haven't you got a good book you'd rather read? (Foggy) Makes you realise what some poor devils are doing.
(Compo) Give over! Old Edgar's having a rave-up in there.
He's got colour television and all the nurses he can eat.
I think 24 stitches must be a bit like having a ferret down the front of your trousers.
What do you say, ferret-fancier? There were that poor bloke in the next ward supposed to be dying.
Even he was having a better time than us.
Your lot come here every Christmas.
We turn out more damn food than we do at the caff.
What's Christmas without your family round you? I don't know, but it sounds good.
That's right, go on.
Spoil it for everybody.
lf they have to eat this much, how come we never see them down at the cafe? Just be pleasant for one day in the year, that's all I ask you.
- Just try and be pleasant.
- Come on, be fair.
Give credit where it's due.
lt's not just one day a year.
I'm expected to be pleasant on your rotten birthday, too.
- Oh, ta.
- Oh, stop moaning.
- Just what I wanted.
- How many times do you wash up? Every blasted Christmas.
lt's your family we're feeding as well as mine.
Well, listen.
Can't we come to some arrangement? I'll not invite mine if you don't invite yours.
Oh, they'll be gone after tea.
Then we'll have the evening to ourselves.
Oh, great.
(grunts) - Oh, dear.
- A brandy, anyone? Oh, yeah, ta.
Well, that was an excellent meal, Clegg.
Very palatable.
Well, it was just a little something I spent hours over.
- What was that in your gravy? - His sleeve, at one point.
- What kind of herb? - That's what I thought.
What kind of a herb puts his sleeve in your gravy? (grunts) - What's the matter with you two? - Are you going to crack that nut or not? Step back, it's cracking! Get in there! Why don't we open the presents? I'll get 'em.
I know where they are.
How does he know where they are? He knew where to find the sixpence in the Christmas pudding.
These are from you and these are from you and these are from me.
Oh.
Well, that's just what we wanted, fish and chips twice.
I hope you didn't spend a large amount of money on wrapping paper for our benefit.
lt's what's inside that matters.
Let's see.
That's to me from you, that's to me from you.
Thank you, both.
Just a minute, I Did you see the speed of that move? His shoplifting hand is practically supersonic.
- Yeah, I haven't done that for years.
- Really? Gone all religious? Since when? Since the Lord appeared before him in the shape of a huge policeman.
That was a case of mistaken identity.
Your mistake.
You thought you were somebody who'd get away with it.
''To Compo, with best wishes for a smarter Christmas and a well turned-out New Year, from Foggy.
'' Oh.
Oh, that's that's very kind of you, Foggy.
Well, they were reduced in the sales.
Yes, I remember.
Well, it's very kind of you, Cleggy.
- They were reduced in the - In the sales.
'Ey-up! Let's see what I've got in here! ''From Norm.
'' Oh, it's a book.
Nobody's ever bought me a book before.
Ooh, 'eck.
'Ey-up! lt's a race-form book! By 'eck! It's got all the jockeys, all the races, all the weights.
Hey, Norm, this is great! All these years you've been throwing your money away, horse-racing on impulse.
Now you can really study form and throw it away scientifically.
I'm not sure you ought to be encouraging him to gamble.
Well, the worst that can happen is that he goes broke, and look at him now.
Yes, I see what you mean.
If anybody's ready for financial disaster, it's him.
He's been dressing the part for years.
'Ey-up, this is a bit flash.
Yes, it caught my eye in the sales.
I'm not surprised.
I remember thinking, ''What a bargain, but who could wear that?'' - Then it occurred to me.
- I didn't know you had such good taste.
Cor, dear! You wait till Nora Batty gets a close-up of me in this.
? (as Noel Coward) I'll see you again ? When our spring breaks round again Aren't you going to open mine, then? Oh, of course we are, yes.
Silly of us.
You potty little herbert.
Fancy spending as much as this.
Well, it's Christmas, in't it? - I don't know what to say.
- Well, that's never stopped thee.
I mean, I'm overwhelmed, you know.
Sort of all confused.
You get a surprise like this and you can't help thinking, maybe he's nicked 'em.
- No, I haven't! - Of course he hasn't nicked 'em.
- Have you? - No! There you are.
Well, where did you get them? - Nora Batty's club.
- She let you run up credit to this amount? - She gets commission.
- She's going to earn it.
Well, listen.
That is the wisest move I ever made.
As soon as the payments are due, she'll be following me all over the place, especially if I'm dressed in this.
Yes, you see, you press the little button, gently but firmly, and, er nothing happens.
Yes, it does.
lt tells you the time in little red numbers.
lt's great.
lt's all right in the dark.
I'll show you.
Well, aren't you coming down? (Foggy) This carpet is covered in nutshell down here.
(Compo) Stop looking at your nuts and look at your watch.
- (Foggy and Clegg) Ahh! - (Compo) See? That's four teas, 1 1 coffees and a glass of orange for Susan.
And it's time you started being a bit more pleasant wi' our Dudley.
- Can't stand your Dudley.
- You're going to have to stand our Dudley.
He hasn't come all the way from Garstang to have you not laughing every time he tells a joke.
- He's just not funny, your Dudley.
- He makes me laugh.
I laughed, when he broke his leg.
Have you sugared any of those? Why don't you go and sit down, Nora? You've been on your mouth all day.
Your feet.
lt's no wonder they ache, keeping an eye on you.
You'd be away if I didn't watch you.
I can't understand you.
I mean, it's not as if we're not having a good time.
Why don't you go and have a sit down again with your Clara? There's a chance she might remember to tell you more things about Mrs Treadgall.
- I hope you haven't been listening.
- No.
I were listening to your Dudley doing his impressions of a set of bagpipes.
Hee hee! He's a scream, our Dudley.
- You can't tell it's not real.
- No, you'd think he were.
A real Dudley.
The bagpipes.
Don't forget to sugar those, and a sweetener for our Clara.
She's trying to watch her figure.
Can't understand what she wants to watch it for.
(cheering) lt's an hour since dinner.
Will this keep them going till tea-time? I knew you'd be miserable all day.
lt's always when you wear them trousers.
- Well, they're too tight.
- Listen, I got news for you.
You pay that price for a pair of trousers, they'll fit you whether you like it or not.
- Have you got them fastened right? - Go steady! There's enough room in here if you arrange yourself properly.
- They only fit if I stand like this.
- Stop fooling about, and watch that tray.
Look, what's happened to us? ln the high summer of our lives, the wife comes along and runs her fingers round your trousers, and you can't find nothing better to think about than a flaming tray? - I might have known you'd twist things.
- Twist things? That's what I've been saying all day.
ln these things, that's all I've been doing.
All right, give me that tray.
Put your old trousers on.
Not in here! - Suppose somebody comes in.
- How long can I go without oxygen? I like Boxing Day better, when there's just the three of us.
You, me and the black nightie.
Hurry up! My God, you look a picture with your trousers down.
She's noticed, she's noticed! Hey! Black nightie? I haven't got a black nightie.
Happy Boxing Day, Ivy.
Oh, get off! Well, I'll just go and see if Sir Noel has dashed off the third act yet.
- Where's he gone to now? - Maybe he's looking at his watch.
No, he's not here.
Come on.
(strangled bagpipe noises) - Ooh! - Wally.
Your nerves.
You daft bat! I thought you were me missus.
I know what you mean.
So you've gone AWOL as well, have you? I couldn't stand it any longer.
Merry Christmas, Wally.
Merry Christmas, Sid.
I've brought a bottle.
I thought I might have a stroll round to Cleggy's.
And I've brought a bottle.
I thought I might have a stroll round to Cleggy's.
You're absolutely right.
They've got it made - no relatives about.
They always have a better time than us.
(Compo) How many miles an hour do you go? I bet you I'll be in the world championships.
We're going to have to buy him a skateboard.
That's ridiculous! I know, but we're going to have to buy him one anyway.
Sid, look, there's the band.
You dozy little pillock! 'Ey-up.
Here's another.
Hey, hey! - Happy Christmas, Wally.
- Merry Christmas, Sid.
Oh, no! - It's the band! - Get out the way! (instruments hit bum notes) - Merry Christmas! All the best.
- (shouting) (Compo) 'Ey-up, them bandsmen have a right grasp of bad language.
(Foggy) To get the full flavour of it, you've got to be able to read music.
(Clegg) It's marvellous, really.
You take 1 5 ordinary blokes, give them an instrument each, and after hours of practice, there they are with no sense of humour.
(Foggy) It's all his fault, little potty dollop! (Compo) Don't be like that, Foggy! lt's Christmas.
(glasses clink) (Foggy) Well, merry Christmas, everybody.