Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s05e07 Episode Script

Here we are then.
I knew it as soon as I saw it on the map.
The ideal beginners' slope for hang-gliding.
Down there? You mean I've got to run down there? Well, of course down there.
What kind of a hang-gliding enthusiast runs uphill? I'm going to start on the flat.
It's a picturesque place for an accident.
Aye, my flaming accident.
Will you listen a minute? I didn't select this place just off the top of my head.
No, more like out of your Ah, ah, ah! After very careful scrutiny of the map I selected this place for the launching site for several good reasons.
And I am rejecting it for several good reasons.
Couldn't he start with something smaller, like just a broken leg? We've got a gentle slope here.
If he fails to take off, he can't break his neck.
Oh, I see.
It's only if I take off I'm going to break my neck.
You're not going to break your neck.
It's all been calculated to the final detail.
I shouldn't let him use words like "final".
Oh, I'm fed up with this hang-gliding.
What do you mean you're fed up with hang-gliding? You've not started yet.
Look, you'll be all right.
You can't bang into anything round here.
And if you do get airborne, look at all the space you've got.
Not right up there.
I mean, you're not going that far.
And why aren't you going that far? Because I'm going to sit here on my fanny and not move.
I will have a safety line on you.
If you start to go too high, we'll be able to pull you down again.
How high is too high? You name it.
5 ft 8.
You can't back out now, not after Wally spent his time making your flying machine.
He can always convert it into another pigeon coop.
And what happens if I get flying and land up in the reservoir? That is the beauty of my whole plan.
Oh, aye? The final safety factor.
There it is again.
That word, "final".
We don't like that word, "final".
Scrub that word, "final".
All right, your ultimate safety factor.
If you get airborne and something goes wrong, then, bingo! Bingo? What does he mean, bingo? Clickety click, 66, I'm in a fix.
No, I mean you'll land nice and gently in the water instead of having a nasty crunch.
What he means is, that instead of a nasty crunch you're going to drown He's not going to drown.
Sid and Wally will be standing by in the rescue boat.
You see? Comprehensive safety planning.
Who's driving? Does it matter? It does if it's Sid.
Have you seen him driving his chip van? Batter all over the pavement.
Don't worry about petty details.
The first thing we have to do is try and transform some of this bone idle flab into serviceable working muscle.
Give over, Wally's building me hang-glider.
I don't have to flap me arms.
You can't go leaping up into the wild blue yonder without a bit of preliminary exercise.
He's power-mad.
I'm proud of you, kid.
The first solo flight across the reservoir.
The first solo flight over Sid and Wally.
If only Nora could see me now.
With those holes in your trousers, she probably has.
Ho ho ho.
Well, there we are then.
Apparatus for the development of sound shoulder muscles.
Or to give it its less technical title, a bit of rope and a ladder.
Now, up you get.
Where? Where? Where do you think? Grab hold of the ladder.
That's too high for me to reach.
Well, jump, you idle shower, let yourself dangle from it.
Wow, this flying business is more difficult than you think.
I can do it, Norm, I can do it.
I used to do a lot of this at school.
It's true, I remember.
He was one of the all-time great danglers.
It was algebra you used to fall down at a lot.
That really used to get on my nipple.
"Find out what X equals.
" How could you? It were always something flamin' different.
Get on with it.
Right.
Why do people always do that? What? Hoist up their trousers and spit on their hands.
You think they should spit on their trousers and hoist up their hands? It's a dirty habit.
Oh no, Foggy.
Now, my dirtiest habit We do not want to know.
All right then, here we go.
Geronimo! Right, what's next? What a pathetic effort.
I can see we are in for the aeronautical event of the year(! It's his back.
It's a lifetime spent frittering away his substance on Woodbines and curious women.
Aye, my life's not been wasted.
Can we give him a lift up? Well, I don't like handling him unnecessarily.
That's because I'm scruffy, ain't it? Only on the surface.
The trouble is you've got to lift him by the surface.
It's all go, this hang-gliding, ain't it? Right.
Whatever you do, don't look for a handle.
It's his back.
Ah, well, back to the drawing board.
No, if a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing Well That's what I always say, Norm, always put off till tomorrow if you've got lumbered with it today.
Right.
Up! Up, up, up, up! Up, up! Ah Oh By heck, it's high up here.
Spoken like a true astronaut.
A child of our time.
His mother was frightened by a rag-and-bone man.
The result you can see there dangling before your very eyes.
Hey, it sounds as if Wally's arrived with the flying machine.
Don't leave me! Don't leave me! Oh, just let go, you'll land on your feet.
Where? X marks the spot.
Norm! I know what X equals.
What? Help! How do, Sid? How do, Wally? How do? Tha've made it, Wally? Aye.
Does tha' think it'll fly? Like a bird.
When he says like a bird, he means like a bird.
Clever, isn't it? Well, it's different, Wally.
I like the colour.
It looks like a rotten pigeon.
It's what I know best, is pigeons.
And pigeons fly, don't they? Oh aye, there's nobody flies sweeter than a pigeon.
There you are, you see.
What did I tell you? I'm not going up in that.
Hey, are we going to take this off my van roof or aren't we? Oh, yes, of course we are.
Don't worry about the pilot, he doesn't really mean it.
It's the excitement.
You know how temperamental these pigeon fanciers are.
Pigeon.
The only advice I can give is keep your head down and before you come in to land, circle around the loft three times to see if there's any cats about.
They're only joking, because we're all green with envy that it's you that's going up and not us.
Ah yes, sure.
I wish it was me.
Pigeon.
Why didn't he made one to look like a ferret? Let me ask you a non-technical question, Foggy.
Don't blind me with science, or that very enthusiastic, persuasive talk known outside political circles as crap.
In your opinion, honestly now, will there be any danger? No, there'll be no danger whatsoever.
I mean, how can we be in any danger? He's going up.
Where's he gone? Where is he? Are you coming, then? I'm coming, I'm coming.
What I meant, Foggy, is, is there going to be any danger for him? Oh, for him.
No, I shouldn't think so.
Well, that's a relief.
You can't wipe out his sort.
One thing there's never a shortage of is unemployed scruffy little twollops.
Bear in mind, however high he goes, I will be down here supervising all the safety precautions.
How high do you think he'll go? Well, quite frankly, I think we'll be lucky if we can get him above 50 feet.
How lucky can you get? Come on, if you're coming.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Where've you been? Listen, big mouth, this is not the easiest thing to take a leak in.
Do you think I'll be all right? Of course you'll be all right, we've got you this helmet, haven't we? Built to British standards.
Made to withstand enormous impacts.
What enormous impacts? Well, it's a figure of speech to make you realise how safe you are inside that helmet.
Ah, yes, but there's only a little bit of me inside that helmet.
What about all the other bits? Exactly, whatever happens you've got to take every care to land on your head.
Look, we're going to swing you a bit to you get used to the flying position.
Now just spread your wings out, will you? HE LAUGHS The doodlebug is alive and well and living near Holmfirth.
So, where are we off to now, then? Well, to find a suitable tree to swing you from so you can get accustomed to the feeling of flying.
Somewhere where there's a bit more room.
There wasn't really room enough in the barn to swing you properly.
That was the trouble.
The trouble was you don't know how to tie knots.
Rubbish.
That's what I said, you're supposed to type a reef knot and you've been tying rubbish.
The Dewhurst knot is an unshakeable knot.
(So the rabbit came out of the hole) Right, I think I've got the hang of it now.
You can let me down.
I said, I've got the hang of it now.
You lay on the back in the grass, you squint up into the sky, and it's full of mystery.
And you can't help wondering if you got any creepy-crawlies in your hair.
Creepy-crawlies? You don't get much in that line here.
You have to go abroad to get the real monsters.
I say, I'm ready for down now.
I've seen spiders as big as Shetland ponies.
If they trod on you, you'd be limping for a week, never mind the bite.
They used to bite then? I thought from the size you're describing, maybe they used to crush you to death.
My old woman can't stand spiders.
And heavy drinkers.
No, she can't stand heavy drinkers.
The world's full of prejudice.
Right, I've got the hang of it now.
I'm ready for down.
Was her father a heavy drinker? He used to play the accordion.
There's no excuse for that.
I once went down to inspect this sentry in the jungle and the spider had got him.
Tha's never been near a jungle.
I'm ready for down now.
And underneath that this poor sentry Never mind the rotten sentry! .
.
was this fragment of his paybook Get me down! .
.
and one twisted round of 303 ammunition.
Oh! Get me down! Get me down! I'm not a flaming yo-yo.
I want to be up there flying, not dangling about like this.
You rotten lot.
I know you're there.
It's no use hiding.
Or keeping quiet.
It is me biggie.
I am going to fly, I tell you.
I am going to fly.
I'm going to fly.
I'm going to fly! And fly.
And fly! What's the matter with you lot? Haven't you seen anybody flying before? Oh, I'm looking for a short fellah with a guilty expression.
The one you married? That's him.
He's not been in.
I'll kill him when I find him.
If you can find mine while you're at it, we'll make it a double event.
Has your has gone as well? He got clean away when I was on the phone.
Ooh, they're evil! Really low down evil.
How come you let yours slip his leash? I've always thought of you as a model of advanced husband training.
Well, he's usually more obedient.
They gain your confidence, and then the next minute they've gone.
You know where they've gone? They're heading for the hills.
Oh no, he wouldn't leave me permanently, not my Wally.
He's too dependent.
Defenceless.
Thick.
I don't mean permanently.
He knows a lifetime together means something.
He knows it means I'd kill him.
They'd gone to watch Compo Simmonite hang-gliding.
Eh? Can you imagine? The birds will think the scarecrows have started coming up after them.
Your Wally made him a kite thing.
Well, the little swine.
He's never got time to make me an ironing board.
Well, it could be worse.
At least they're not chasing after women.
Oh no, he's never done that.
He's not that way inclined, my Wally Oh, he has gained your confidence, hasn't he? He's never been wayward in terms of the flesh.
Well, they don't have to be.
I'm not suggesting your Wally is anything desperate in Shall we say, close encounters of the most common kind.
He's very well-balanced in that way.
I've never found him excessively demanding.
I can believe that.
If you start as you mean to go on, you'll get no bother, I find.
To tell you the truth, he could always be sidetracked with an inquiry regarding his pigeons.
Yes, it's nice when they've got another hobby.
Eh up! Make sure there's no lumps in it! There's no lumps in it.
It will be like landing on a feather bed.
Impressive, Foggy, how steady you are in the face of danger, to him.
He's in no danger.
It's a bit high up here.
Oh, shut up.
Eat your corn.
I shall be looking after your safety every inch of the way.
You think it's funny, don't you? Funny? Heavens, no.
It will be a different tale when I've broken the Huddersfield altitude record.
You'll not be laughing then.
Have you really thought about this? Are you sure you want to go soaring up there, beyond the reach of social security? I'm going to fly, I tell you.
I'm going to fly.
Way up, kid! Way up into the wild blue yon Ooh! Just sit on your perch a minute until I give you the signal.
Crack a nut in your beak or something.
Just try to remember that this is not a flight, it's just a jump from a barn roof.
Listen, why don't we have a wander round and see if we can find a smaller barn? What he wants is a biggish dog kennel.
Who do we know with a biggish dog kennel? You're not going to chicken out now, are you? Well, he's all dressed for it.
I want to be a flyer, not a rotten jumper.
But you've got to have the proper training.
You don't think the Wright Brothers went up in the air straightaway, do you? They were jumping off barns all over America.
They were? Certainly.
People thought they were crazy.
You know, thud, grunt, "Hello, it's the Wright Brothers.
" But it paid off in the end, didn't it? They had the most famous broken legs in America.
Don't spoil it.
I'm trying to psych him up to it.
I never knew the Wright Brothers jumped off barns.
What do you think he needs at the moment - the truth, or a bit of exaggeration to cheer him up? I think he needs the Wright Brothers.
Right, I'll do it.
I'm all cycled up.
I'm ready then.
That's my boy.
Looking good.
I'm feeling wa-hey! Well, stand clear, then! All clear.
Now, when I shout "geronimo", you'll know I'm on me way.
What's he say? He said it when he shouts "geranium", you'll know he's on his way.
Geronimo.
Sorry.
Well, just get on with it.
What's it matter what you shout? Are you joking? I'm going to look a right jessie shouting "geranium".
Geronimo! You'll have to come up and get me.
Well, there you are, you see.
Nothing left to chance.
Sid and Wally standing by in the rescue boat.
And a right dozy pair in a boat, they are.
Better than nothing.
And you'll be attached to me by this lifeline.
Have you tied a proper knot this time? Of course I've tied a proper knot.
You'll be anchored to me at all times.
I'll pull you down if you look like you're going too high.
Is it all over? Can I open my eyes now? He hasn't started yet.
Oh God.
We're waiting for a ready signal from the boat.
Go on then, somebody, give them a wave.
I'm not letting go of this boat.
Somebody's got to give them a wave.
Don't start waving, you're going to have us over.
If we're not going to wave, maybe one of us can give them a shout.
Shout steady, then.
Ready in the boat! Ready in the boat! They MUST be ready in the boat.
Now, remember the Wright Brothers.
Coincidentally, they're both dead.
He'll be all right.
It's not as though he's married.
Who's going to miss him? Sid and Wally for a start.
Are me trousers fast? Oh, stop worrying.
I've seen to everything personally.
I hope they're not too fast, it's going to be embarrassing if they get back here before he does.
What are they doing now? I don't know.
It looks as though somebody's just started his motor.
Here, sit still.
I am sitting still.
Well, sit still stiller.
Steady! Go! Oh no! Are you ready? Steady? Go! Not too fast! Well done! Just look at that, they've gone home.
Charming.
We could have been drowned.
We are drowned.
What am I going to tell my old lass? There's nobody who can tell your lass anything.
Give her her due, she was very gentle with me on my wedding night.
I bet they're in the pub already, having a pint.
All right, so they weren't going to stop and rescue us, but they could have at least waved us goodbye.
I don't like this way.
Well, you'll be all right.
This time you'll have enough forward speed.
Drive to that wall as fast as you can.
When it brakes, you will continue straight on over the wall.
Geranium! Geronimo.
Sorry.
Come on, let's get on with it.
Go, go, go.
IGNITION GRINDS Oh, you're looking fine.
You flaming lunatic! What are you two doing walking on the runway?! Get your wing out of my ribs! Just get your wing out of my ribs! At least his trousers stayed up this time.
That's the first time I've ever seen him from underneath.
It's not natural.
From that angle, it could be anybody.
Even a southerner.
You rotten lot.
You knew it wouldn't work.
It took the Wright Brothers years.
Now, listen, I've got an idea Hmph!