Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s07e02 Episode Script

Come along, that man.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hands in pockets.
Look at him - the end of civilisation as we know it.
COMPO BLOWS A LOUD RASPBERRY Oh, VERY articulate.
Been to elocution lessons, have we? Hey Norm, why's he picking on me? Because he's a perfectionist.
It's true.
I am.
I admit it.
Perfectionist? Is that why he never married? Possibly.
It's not your business why I never married.
I don't wish to talk about it.
COMPO CACKLES Look at him! He's embarrassed.
Shut up while I'm standing to attention.
I hate people talking to me when I'm standing to attention.
Standing to attention requires all a chap's concentration.
Y'know, for a perfectionist, he's pretty weird! Only from the front.
I hope you know what you're doing with my mixer! That's what I like.
A vote of confidence.
Why should I be confident? You don't look so damned confident.
Yer tongue stickin' out.
You look like a threadbare tyre.
There you go - I've dropped a bit.
It doesn't surprise me You've the bearing of a clown who's bound to drop a bit.
I were all right while you were in the kitchen.
All right? You call THAT "all right"? You've been at it two hours.
It's worse now than before! It's no problem, I know where everything goes.
You, for instance, you go straight for the jugular.
I feel I've married a Doberman.
Ye-e-e-es.
Well, all husbands need a firm hand on account of their having their brains in their trousers.
Why don't you go out more? You used to go to your sister's regularly.
Not in working hours.
I'll manage.
Since when? D'y'think I'd dare leave you, you great dollop running things on your own? I might surprise you.
Yes, you didonce.
And if I ever catch you with her again, I'll swing for you.
You never let it drop, do you? Well, you're dropping enough for both of us.
One little mistake.
She certainly was.
YEARS ago.
You never forget, do you? Tell me something, will yer? I usually have to.
Why is it whenever I reach for a screwdriver or a Hey! Why is it that whenever I reach for a screwdriver or a spanner, this big, cheesy grin comes over your face? There it is! It's coming now.
I can't help it.
I've seen the way you perform.
And with a spanner and screwdriver, you're even worse.
In other words, no matter what job I tackle, you're convinced I'll fail.
You classify me as one of Nature's Big Tinkerbells.
Give credit where it's due, love.
You've earned it.
Then how come you're not so relaxed when I'm chatting with another woman? Eh? There you are! Your grin's gone.
Wiped off in an instant.
I'll wipe YOU off if I catch you chatting up another woman.
Now come on, it's a fair question.
Why don't you see me then as some great dollop with more spanner than he knows what to do with? It's just a rhetorical question.
I only ask in a spirit of pure enquiry.
Why? I'll tell you why! Big dollop you may be but you're MY big dollop, and don't you forget it! She's playful with a tray full, is your Ivy! It'll only be a mild concussion, Sidney.
I'll tell you something.
Someone's going to dig up this skull in 1,000,000 years, and come to the conclusion that there was a breed of Yorkshiremen with very flat heads.
For which, of course, the flat cap had to be invented.
Why d'you think she does it, Sid? Apart from the fact that she enjoys it? Because she cares.
Aaaaaawwwww! Aaaaaawwwww! If she didn't, would she hit me with a tray? It's Nelson Eddy and Jeanette MacDonald.
Exactly.
See what tha's missed, never being married? Yes, I never realised.
All those lonely evenings in the barrackroom after a hard day's warfare, you browse through the library in the Salvation Army canteen, reading those manuals on Christian marriage.
Not one of them mentioned you needed a tray.
'Ere, have this on the house.
That's very generous.
'Ey up! How come he's the only one to get a cup of tea and a sticky bun, buckshee? You've got to admire talent when you see it.
WHAT talent? Not getting married.
For ever.
Imagine! Unjoined in wedlock for all eternity.
I put my career first, that's all.
He's so modest with it.
He never brags about it.
If it was me, I'd go around telling everybody.
I'd wear a badge.
Nothing to it, really.
I wish you wouldn'tplease all stare at me.
It's very embarrassing, y'know, having people He's gone again.
LAVATORY FLUSHES NOISES ABOVE Does he often do this? We think it's psychological.
It sort of rests his brain.
He's got the sort of brain that needs a lot of restin'.
It's a kind of trance-like state.
A method of deep meditation known only to soldiers and certain Buddhist monks.
How d'you get him out of it? We don't bother.
We like him like that.
DON'T WE? EH? 'Ey up! Look! Sidney is mending his hair-drier.
Y'cheeky thing! It's not a hair-drier, buffoon, it's a foodmixer.
You're in a right mess there.
Ohh, I see.
That's how he comes out of it.
Summoned back to reality by an irresistible call to poke his nose into somebody else's business.
I'm sure I've no wish to interfere.
Well, put it down, then.
The man's in a complete panic.
You can always tell the mechanical novice.
Oh! Who's got a sticky bum then?! How often have I told you never to take me by surprise? Norm, he's strangling me! Only at one end.
You take your life into your own hands, I'm inclined to go straight for the spine.
I'm inclined to go straight for the scream.
I was the Battalion's expert at the silent snapping of the spine.
Well, I was known in Linoleum for the silent scream.
Many of my colleagues described it as a whimper, but underneath it was a genuine scream.
We were a grand bunch of killers.
We still exchange Christmas cards.
Amongst them, I was known by the nickname Cobblers! No, that was not the name I had in mind.
Hello.
Hello, Wally.
Nothing to do at home? That's right, go on, get nasty.
What did I say that's nasty? You said 'OME! A bloke sneaks out for a few minutes to try and forget.
Next minute, some clown's remindin' 'im of 'ome.
Givin' yer a 'ard time, is she, Wal? Isn't she ever? I keep tellin' thee.
Send 'er round to my place.
An' I keep tellin' thee.
Get it done up a bit and maybe she'll come! 'Ey up, I should need a firmer promise than that, Wal, before I went to any expense.
Aye, there's always a snag.
Have yer everer Ever thought about leavin' her? 'Ow can I? She's reduced me brain to jelly.
I'm dependent on 'er.
Know what yer mean.
Not so much a marriage, more a life support machine.
I think that's pathetic.
Don't you think that's Don't you think that's pathetic? Listen, stereo mouth! Wait till tha's tried it before tha criticises.
I've tried everythin'.
Rowing, lies, deceit obedience.
I'm sure marriage needn't be like that.
Norm was married.
Only once.
You can't expect an expert opinion from only once.
You were married 30 years! You had to make things last in those days.
It's not 'ow long yer married, it's who you're married to.
True! It's like a postin' to the Gold Coast.
What is? Bein' married to our Nora.
Hot and sultry, is she, Wal? Is she 'ell.
It's none of your business.
Course it is! I've got my name down for 'er.
She's not a council house! The, er the shape's not dissimilar.
Why the Gold Coast? Well, it's the White Man's Grave.
It's a terrible dangerous climate for servin' yer time in.
One year there used to count double.
Yes, some of us gave our health and strength to the Empire.
And some gave it Woodbines and funny women.
Tha's lost the Empire, but I've still got Woodbines and funny women.
You really shouldered the white man's burden.
I did, Norm.
White? You call that white? Here, Wally, 'ave a cuppa.
No, ta, I 'aven't got time.
What did yer come in for? Nothin' really.
Just to prove I can still do it.
Do what? Sneak out past our Nora.
It's gettin' 'arder every day to sneak out past our Nora.
Well I'd best be gettin' back to the White Man's Grave.
Poor old Wally.
I think it's very sad.
I think it's pathetic.
I think it serves him right for living with the woman I love.
All he has to do is assert himself.
There's no such thing as certs.
You learn that with horse-racing.
A-ssert! A-ssert! All fall down.
It means to express one's personality forcefully.
It means little Wally Batty suddenly becoming a kamikaze pilot.
He needs to put his foot down.
Have you seen the size of him? How much further down can he get? Not all leaders of men have to be my size.
Napoleon wasn't exactly tall.
But he wasn't married to Nora Batty either, was 'e? She'd have given 'im "Not tonight, Josephine"! Wey-hey! Oh, ha, ha, ha! NOT TONIGHT, JOSEPHINE! No-one there.
Oh well - that's it then.
He'll be working in the back.
Oh well, if he's busy Come back.
Stop chickening out.
I don't know what makes you think I'm chickening out.
It's just an impression you get from those beads of sweat on your forehead.
And the nervous twitch.
I don't twitch.
Understand that I don't twitch! Sometimes what may look to the layman like a twitch is simply an expert in the martial arts doing a few isometric exercises.
You don't have to go leaping about with your legs in the air for a bit of exercise.
Those of us who were, hem-hem, in the Commandos learned how to do it with very small muscle movements.
I used the same system at work.
Look at that.
That may look to you like a twitch.
Actually, what it is is a little-known Oriental method for making the top lip rock hard.
Find it very useful, do you? Having your top lip rock hard? You never know when it might come in handy.
Why don't you use it to chop down the door instead of using the bell? You needn't think I'm afraid to ring Nora Batty's doorbell.
Absolutely fearless, these people with rock hard top lips.
All I'll do is ask for Wally.
I mean, you want us to help Wally to get out occasionally.
Well, I still say the simplest and most effective way is to march straight up to the house and call for him.
Just explain to the woman that we've called for her husband.
Well, GET ON WITH IT! All right, I'm going, I'm going.
I mean, after all, he's still a free human being.
She can't actually refuse to let him come out.
Is the bell working, do you know? Why ask you? What do you know about working? I'm going to ring the bell.
Hey! Wow! Ring the bell! Single-handed! Ring Nora Batty's bell! Can't look! Stop fooling about! Who's fooling? Hold it! Hold it! What's wrong?! I just want to make sure that you're quite sure about this.
Will you stand there and be quiet! RING Is it all over yet? Could be.
She don't mess about.
Well? I wondered if What do you want? .
.
if Wally was My Wally? What about my Wally? .
.
coming out to play? You great tomfool! No, 'e isn't coming out to play! He's got work to do and I'll thank you not to interfere! Ye get dafter, you lot! 'Ey up, Nora.
I don't care for you hitting other fellows with our mop.
You're weird.
YOU'RE ALL WEIRD! Come on! I don't know what possessed me.
I-I went completely blank.
Aaaah! You fell under Nora's powerful spell.
She does the same to me, mind you.
My mind is often blank.
Completely blank.
Oh, blanker than that.
Well, I'm not ringing the bell again.
Wait a minute.
We don't have to ring the bell.
We smuggle Wally from the back and sneak 'im past the house.
Past the house? You mean, try and sneak him past Nora's house? It's a challenge! It's suicide! It's his only way out.
Unroll that! 'Ow do, Wally? Sssh! (She'll be back in a minute.
) Now don't get it wet through.
Not too much liquid.
Plenty of elbow grease.
You'll be surprised how much the colour comes up.
That's Wally in a nutshell.
He looks like somebody who'd be surprised if anything colourful came up.
I've always liked this carpet.
You've always liked it scrubbing.
Correction - I've always liked it scrubbing WELL! Cheer up, Wal.
We'll spring thee somehow! It's 'opeless.
Don't put yerself at risk.
Where's tha going? You heard.
He doesn't want us to put ourselves at risk.
He's probably lying.
We needn't assume he was lying.
I've always found him to be honest, sober and reliable.
Only because she won't let him out.
Once he gets out, he's not honest, sober and reliable.
He's just like anybody else.
Don't worry about me.
Off you go and enjoy yourselves.
Ohhh, I'll stay 'ere and be honest, sober and reliable.
Aw! It breaks your heart.
I've got it! We'll put in a substitute.
She'll look through the window, see somebody Wally's size scrubbing the carpet, think it's him and go away again.
There IS nobody Wally's size.
There never has been anybody Wally's size.
ROUGHLY Wally's size.
No-o! No.
No.
No.
No.
It won't work.
It will if tha keeps tha back turned.
Wally! It's a far, far better thing you do.
Now, give us time to get 'im away.
Put yer arm in.
By the time she finds out it's you, it's too late.
He's gone.
Get scrubbin'.
Then what happens to me? 'Ey up! Do I have to think of everything? No, but Ooooohh! When she tackles you, don't look at her eyes.
Try not to look at her eyes.
FOOTSTEPS Stop scrubbing for a minute.
Give me a lift upstairs with these.
Are you deaf?! Give me a hand upstairs! Will you move yourself! We'll never get our bedroom done at this rate! Her bedroom done? 'Ey up, Wally! He's going up to the bedroom with our Nora.
I've been thinking about that.
Well? WELL? Why don't we go for a drink? NORA SCREAMS It was horrible.
Horrible! Oh Give this lad a drink, Sid.
He has just broken the unofficial record for climbing Nora's stairs.
How are you goin' to get me back inside? We'll get you back inside.
I wish I'd never escaped.
I might 'ave got time off for good behaviour.
It was horrible.
Horrible! Told you not to look in her eyes.
The wallpapers - that's all I dared look at.
The wallpapers.
She drives fellas wild.
I daren't look at 'er eyes.
I 'ave to keep looking at them wrinkled stockings.
U-ugh! Oooh! Them wrinkled stockings! If it weren't for them a fella could go totally bananas! Tha's ALWAYS been totally bananas.
Listen.
Mend thee hair-drier and belt up! Who is this mechanical person? Hands off.
Hans Hoff? That's who he is! Sounds like a German name to me.
Ja! Ja! Ha-ha! In which case, that is probably a cuckoo clock! Ja! D'you know, I'm glad you came in.
It really makes my day when you three 'erberts come in.
Why don't you just bog off? There 'e goes, buttering up his regular customers again.
Attempting to creep his way into Egon Ronay.
Ohhh! You lot again.
(This must be Frau Hoff!) WHAT off?! You can clear off! What's up with 'im? Ssssh! He's under the spell of NORA BATTY! WHERE? WHERE? It's all right.
She's not here.
I managed to get through the war without any psychological disturbances, but, my God, that woman is terrifying! She's sexy with it.
I can't say I've noticed that.
You've not been payin' attention.
Why is it, when there's so many wonderful things in this world, that the opposite sex has to be men? Have you mended it? Or do I kill myself doing it by hand? It's done.
It's done.
About time too.
Hey-up! Sidney has mended a mixer! I still think it's a cuckoo clock.
Has he any bits left over? He's the type to have bits left.
Why don't you lot trot off? Am I going to turn it on or are you? I'll turn it on.
Stand back, I'll turn it on.
Fearless.
Absolutely fearless.
Well, go on then! All right, all right.
I knew it! Ah! Bravo! Bravo, Sidney! I-I'm nonplussed, I really am, I'm totally nonplussed.
D'you think it might help if you plugged it in? Aww! Aww! I knew there was a simple explanation.
I've done a professional job on this.
He's done a professional job on this.
Wow! A professional job! Looks like a bungler to me.
Look at the expression.
That's a bungler's expression.
WHIRRR WHIRRR! GRIND! RATTLE! WH-I-I-IRRR! CHUG CHUG! Tha ought to have that put down.
WH-I-I-RR It's cruel, is that.
I can't understand it.
It-it needs a slight adjustment.
I've nearly got it right, Ivy.
Ivy, NOT the bowl NEARLY GOT IT RIGHT? NEARLY?! BANG! OH! BANG! OH! OH! BANG! OH! OH! I told you it was a cuckoo clock.
(Come on, Wally.
) We'll sneak thee back in no time.
I feel so stupid! Why should you feel stupid? Who's going to recognise you in a pram? Oooh, there's not a lot of room.
Oh! You'll only be in a few minutes.
We'll take you to your pigeon shed.
Then you can get out.
She'll think tha's been with your pigeons all the time.
What are you lot doing with a pram? What kind of irresponsible parent would trust you with something precious in a pram? Oooh! Oh! Ooohhh! Ooohhh! Ooh! Ohh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Dozy fools! The little love! Coming, precious! Mama's coming! Oh! Oh! Oh, its face has gone all wrinkled! It's you! You great stupid fool, Wally Batty! Come on! Get out of there! OUT! You'd think she'd have more patience with infants in prams.
She's never looked a string of patience to me.
I was bitten by a Jack Russell that was friendlier than that.
Well, she's never bitten me and it's not as though I 'aven't tried.