Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s07e07 Episode Script
LLCF040R - Getting Sam Home
CHURCH BELLS Who's steerin'? He's steering.
I thought YOU were! Well, someone better START! # The colour of summer's gone, Of golden days when I was young, # Of girls who came but soon moved on # Is in my summer wine # The perfumes of earth and vine # Of meadows when the rain has gone # Of women with their finery on # Is in my summer wine # The memories I can see Here in my cup # Of sweet, short days, Bitter days # Now all drunk up # The taste of the life that slips # From day to day through fingers blind # The honey from a woman's lips # Is in my summer wine # I drink now to mellow days # To grapes forever pressed and gone # To girls whose warmth became the sun # And gave my summer wine.
# This time last year the tar was melting in the road outside the TV rentals.
Hot? The Far East now, my word, THAT was hot.
Whenever it's hot the bird in the dry cleaners wears almost nothing under her overall.
When do YOU go to the dry cleaners? Whenever it's hot! They even turned the heat down in the electricity showrooms.
Have you any idea how many unseemly substances may be on that blade of grass? FARTING BLAST It'll be covered in THAT for a start! Be warm for Sam this afternoon.
Well, it always is in hospital.
I thought he were gettin' better.
Maybe they'll let 'im sit outside.
Maybe.
Any road, we'll cheer him up tonight.
Oh yes? God's gift to the National Health, are we? And no more language in front of his wife! THAT were 'n EMERGENCY! I'd dropped me fag down me welly! You shouldn't smoke in the wards! For an HOUR? What d'they expect you to do? Have some consideration for Sam's condition.
I mean, he's had to give up PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING! They're not consistent about THAT.
If he's cutting out all what's bad for him, why's his missus there? Maybe he likes her better now he's near death's door.
Would you? Nobut he IS under strong medication.
She's a hard bitch, is Sybil.
She's good with flaky pastry.
She keeps his house immaculate.
Well, she never lets anyone in it! SAM'S had to spend best part of his married life in GARDEN SHED! Well, she must be SOME consolation to him.
If ANY mortal thing could make death seem palatable, Sybil could.
SOUND OF CAR APPROACHING I must say, Sam's made the best of it.
Preserved his marriage by combining Christian patience and a twice weekly frolic with Lily, Bless Her.
Aye, she's been good to 'im has Lily, Bless Her.
Eh, he'll be SICK if he has to give THAT up as well! Ey up! That's old Fairburn's car! Fairburn's Co-op Tailoring.
What's he doing up here in his STITCHED LAPELS? He's not your TYPICAL nature lover.
I understood he was a stamp collector.
That's more like it.
British Empire and Possessions which won't take up a lot of anybody's time these days.
Well, he can't play bar billiards.
He made a RIGHT hack t'other night at the Shoulder of Mutton.
It's stuffy in the Co-op Tailoring.
I expect the poor chap's come here to rid his lungs of accumulated Harris Tweed and flecks of mohair.
Well, it's none of our business why he's here Which I find makes it rather MORE fascinating.
'Ello, 'ello! So THAT'S what he's doin'! It's Her-From-The-Bacon-Counter! The DIRTY DEVIL! That's the LAST TIME I let 'im round MY inside leg! What kind of carry-on is THAT for a stamp collector? Get down! He'll SEE you! Cheeky Prawn! 'Ey, I wonder if he gets his DIVI on that?! Put your eyes back in! They'll roll down the hill! Tell thee what, I 'ope for her sake he's slicker at that than he is at bar billiards! 'Ey up! That's a picture! Oh, come away! Come ON! Now Lily, you know it's NO use.
You can't go visiting Sam in hospitalnot while Sybil's there.
I wouldn't mind, but she doesn't even LIKE him.
She doesn't have to.
She's married to him.
'Scuse me.
Oh, I like your knickers, Lily! Do you? Got to keep up appearances.
I'm not getting any younger.
Come in.
Don't stand there.
You'll have HER-ACROSS needing A HINGE ON HER FACE! It can't be easy keeping one eye on telly and t'other on me.
Sit yourselves down.
I'll get some glasses.
Does his wife stay the full hour? Every minute.
She knits! She goes to visit him and KNITS? Sit down, you've time for a beer.
Aye, we've time for a beer, love.
'ey up! I'd like to talk Nora Batty into these piggies! Put it away! PIGGY-PIG! PUT IT AWAY! TRUST SYBIL TO KNIT! She fills every minute FULL of THOSE kind of excitements.
If he had ANOTHER attack I wonder if she'd DROP A SINGLE STITCH! All right, I can't visit but I've baked more buns.
Oh GOD! Not MORE buns! There's plenty if you'd like one.
No, we'll just 'ave the beer, love.
That'll leave more for Sam.
Well, here's wishing all the best to Sam.
When you see 'im, tell 'im to shape 'is self.
Tell 'im to write.
I've only 'ad ONE letter.
"Dear Lily.
Did I leave me reading glasses? "A bloke here knows you from the Three Horse Shoes with a hernia called Trevor.
"I haven't got to lift, but I'm doing nicely.
Sam" It's been 3 weeks now and THAT's the ONLY word I've had! Give over, love, we've kept you posted.
You can tell that I must be constantly on his mind.
It's got the authentic ring of ungovernable passion about it.
He's just glib, is Sam.
And who's this flaming Trevor? Could be him in the corner.
With screens round?! They don't put screens round a hernia.
They put screens round Uncle Dudley when he went in.
YE-ES ! Maybe it's compulsory round Uncle Dudleys(?) Your Colin called.
I wish he wouldn't.
He smells rusty.
He wanted to borrow your socket set.
I told him he couldn't.
He hasn't brought your tenon saw back yet.
I've had the Jehovah's Witnesses at the front door.
I told 'em - "Convert someone who lives scruffy.
" SAM THINKS "Good skin She's always had a good skin" "Hoarded it like a miser, though.
" And another thing "If she'd only given the marriage bed the same determination she gives to cleaning the house.
" BIRD SONG "Cosgrave's missus has decent knees.
"She never takes her eye off him.
"She squeezes his hand whenever she can.
"He lets her, when he thinks nobody's looking.
"She's 45badly dressed and lovely.
"She brings him books and massive quantities of affection.
"Do him more good than medication.
"She'll have him home in no time.
"A bit of sun wouldn't hurt.
" Cosgrave's wife wants to learn how to sit properly! She idolises him, woman! That IS sitting properly! I knew YOU'D think so.
SOUNDS OF DISTURBANCE 'Ay up, Sam! (Keep your voice down!) And WHO baked them? He did! He did! He did! Erit were joint We all did a bit.
Like your hat.
Don't WE like Sybil's hat? Ravishing as ever! And that's only Sam.
Sssssssssss! He DON'T look well! They only like two to a bed.
Don't we all, hee-hee-hee(!) Ouc-c-c-h! He's not supposed to have food brought in.
A gesture.
We can take it back again.
Funny bringing it in, then.
EasyeasyThe lid sticks.
I'LL manage! It's my best bun tin! Go steady with it! Allow me, Sybil.
Your BEST bun tin, is it (?) And WHAT'S THIS a picture of? Buckingham Palace! That is what THEY usually are, but this one iser St JANE'S.
(James, you prawn!) St James, you prawn Palace.
I-I'll take him out.
There's only 2 to a bed.
Cheerio, Sam.
Let it be acknowledged, Sybil, yours ARE superior buns.
It looks like somebody's knee-cap.
Not enough fat.
There's fat enough where THESE came from! It's irrelevant, seeing I'll be dead.
Can't evade your responsibilities! It's a good start! He means it! He's determined to die! He's improving.
He'll be home next week.
Aye.
Once I'm out, they'll NOT get me back in.
It's all right.
It's good enough.
But it's not home, is it? Since when have you known YOUR home? Mostly it's been in the back shed.
(I've wanted to get you two on your own.
) (You're a witness.
I want our Colin to have me woodworking tools.
) Put a good face on it.
Your mate can have me best suit.
Foggy? No.
Compo? Why not? I 'ope he can steer it, or it'll drag 'im round to 'er in Sugden Street.
It's Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers! That man has no idea of military footwork.
We saw thee down by the river.
Down.
.
by.
.
the.
.
river! With 'er from t' bacon counter! There was no need to embarrass the man.
'Ay up! I was only pulling 'is leg! Nobody's going to split on him.
Mum's the word, then? Right? Relax.
She's only a slip of a thing, but we love each other.
You great, daft begger! SLIP of a thing?! She's built like a brick! We don't wish to know that! Your secret is safe with us.
It's NOT just a physical thing, it's spiritual, really.
She has eyes like the colour of me favourite green check in the best pattern book.
A 14 ounce, thorn-proof tweed, with a faint loved fleck.
SQUEAK Good morning, Sybil.
'Ay up, Sybil.
Is Sam 'ome yet? If 'e was 'ome, he'd have fixed the squeaky gate.
Thought he was coming home today.
No ambulance till this afternoon.
Buthe COULD come home this morning IF somebody fetched him? If 'e had some transport.
Can you drive it? I said, can you drive it? He's not a mechanical cretin.
Nobut he's close.
We can't leave Sam kicking 'is heels all day.
'E wants to be 'ome.
Did you HAVE to leave it pointing at the river? BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! HaWe'll wait out 'ere with Sid till tha gets the 'ang 'o it.
GEAR GRATES There's no synchromesh on first.
LOUDER GRATE There isn't now! Now, there's your letter.
DO take care of yourself, won't you? Bye.
NO cream cakes, NO animal fats, NO fornication.
Time you packed it in, anyway.
Cream cakes at your age?! DISGUSTING! By hell! No expense spared.
Ha ha! Bonny day(!) They forecast rain later.
Hey! There's some cold chips back 'ere! Turn off 'ere! STOP! What about me ASHES? Flick them on the floor.
Not me cigarette ash my OWN ashes.
My personal residue, when I've snuffed it.
LISTEN, we'll ALL snuff it, if you carry on like that.
You're only saying that.
When it comes to the crunch, I'll have to go on me own.
This is it! This IS it! I want 'em scattering just 'ere.
I want you to promise.
It's nice up 'ere.
I can see Ducket's Foundry and Mottishaw's Bakery.
I shall know where I am.
They're not likely to build up 'ere.
I don't want anybody goin' through me with a bleedin' motorway.
'Ay up, Sybil! We've brought 'im 'ome.
SYBIL: Take 'is boots off! He's not trampling over me carpets! His boots aren't poorly.
Huh-hhhhh! Listen, come and get me when she's gone to bed.
I want you to sneak me down to Lily, Bless Her.
You're not ready for Lily, Bless Her.
Get back into training! Start with something easier Build yourself a garage.
You've GOT to promise.
What's THAT damn thing parked in t' street? Oh, not ours.
DON'T forget (I'm relying on you.
) Get off, you daft devil! Are we sure this is a good idea? I'm sure it's a bad idea, but he's RELYING on us, isn't he? That sounded like thunder.
It will be if Sybil catches us.
Hey up, her bedroom light's still on.
Maybe she's doing something special on his first night home.
Like what? Papering a ceiling? We'll give it 15 minutes.
We CAN'T wait here 15 minutes! We CAN wait here 15 minutes, it's a normal thing to do.
We're just 3 people chatting, that's all.
The thing is, not to look suspicious.
I FEEL suspicious an' he LOOKS suspicious.
It's a knack I 'ave.
The thing is not to be seen skulking in the shadows.
I was looking forward to a skulk! I REALLY was looking forward to a GOOD skulk(!) We do it openly in the lamplight.
Like Lily Marlene.
I feel a right LILY standing 'ere.
DOG BARKS Rememberwe're just 3 people standing here talking.
It's all right, we're just 3 people standing here talking.
I think he likes you.
Couldn't he just wag 'is tail? (Does anyone remember if the gate squeaks?) SQUEAK Psst!Sam! ABOUT time! I must tell you that you don't look like you've got animal magnetism.
Can't you postpone the HEAVY BREATHING? I have to breathe.
It's just a habit you could break it if you tried.
OOW-W-W! He's got 100 ways to make your eyes water! You're going the LONG way round.
We've got to.
We DAREN'T go past the police station and all those bright lights! CLEGG THINKS: "Lord have mercy on this damn fool man being wheeled on a bicycle "to an unwise assignation "with no socks on.
" "Oh.
.
all right Be like that then!" It's nice and snug in here.
Ha! Not as snug as where Sam is! DRUNKEN SINGING What are you doing? AAAH! LILY SCREAMS LILY CRYING MORE CRYING LOUD SCREAM It's Sam.
He won't wake up.
He's dead! Come on, Sam.
Stop messing about.
Sam, pack it in.
LILY SOBS Slurp! SLURP! Quiet.
You're not emptying a BATH! SLUUURP! SLUUUUURP! He only wanted a CUDDLE.
Where's the harm in that? A terminal cuddle.
What a time to go! I saw him lying there, and I thought Sam, you tactless prat! 'E's dropped us RIGHT in it now.
He thinks it's funny.
Did tha see his face? He wanted a bit a COMFORT, that's all! From the expression on his face, I think he found it! You can't trust anybody.
We sneak him out once - and right away - OFF he goes on this impulsive trip into the infinite! It will be a shock for Sybil.
God, who's going to tell Sybil? You hear of people dying in BED, but, dammit, it's supposed to be YOUR OWN BED.
He ought to go back to Sybil.
It's not right, him being here.
SOME things you can only do at HOME.
Never 'ad much time for that woman, but I'd not embarrass her with THIS.
HE GOES BACK.
You'll have to take him home! HOW!?! The same way you brought him! I've never turned him away before, and I don't like doing it now, We all know his proper place now - and it isn't HERE! Honestly - you'd think he'd never ridden a bike before(!) We CAN'T wheel him through the streets like that.
He's got to look NATURAL.
Don't tell ME - TELL HIM! It's no good.
We'll have to borrow Sid's van again.
(TAP-TAP-TAP) (Listen, somebody's at the window.
) (Don't talk wet - we're upstairs.
) (TAP-TAP-TAP) (Oh God! There IS somebody at the window.
Go and see who it is.
) (And be a male chauvinist pig? How about equal opportunity?) (Worm! Expecting your wife to go - it could be ANYBODY!) (Some lunatic desperate for a woman!) (See - it's for you!) (TAP-TAP-TAP) AH-OH-OOOW! CRASH! Ow! You can relax, it's nobody who wants to bite your neck.
It's Clegg! What does he want at this time! I'm going to find out, aren't I? I thought I could wake you without disturbing Ivy.
You've made a right bog of it! I was standing on me bike, Me bike slipped.
You know, I've got potty friends.
WELL? Nothing, really.
NOTHING! At this time of night? I don't mean it's not important.
He came to tell me poor old Sam's dead.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Me too! It's not unexpected.
Funny, why tell you at this hour? Why not? In a hurry, too! I SAW him, scuttling away.
You've had that effect on my friends for years.
Well you know such rogues.
Have you TOLD me EVERYTHING? No secrets between husband and wife! That's RICH! You undress behind the wardrobe door.
You'd sooner hop on one leg than let me lamp your infinite varieties.
Just like my mother said! "You want to talk about wallpaper, and all they want is the rolls of fat at the top of your leg!" SID THINKS: "How can you refuse a late mate the use of your chip van.
"Just don't get caught, that's all.
"Poor old Sam.
You wonder about life after death.
"You never dreamed it would consist of falling into the hands of them three dozy beggars.
" AAAH! Shut up, will ya? A dead man's hand, how would you like it? AAAH! Will you pack it in, we nearly had an accident.
We did, he nearly had kittens.
FOGGY THINKS: "All we need now is the constabulary.
The scandal of it! "We'll end up in Madame Tussaud's.
Serves me right for mixing with this riff-raff.
"But what a prospect for eternity.
"Me, as a wax figure, next to this dozy prat!" OWL HOOTS Get in step.
We're NOT in the guards! Don't tell me.
We're just 3 carpet salesmen going about their lawful business(!) GATE SQUEAKS (Get a move on!) He's covered in fluff.
Only dead 5 minutes and look at the state he's in! SYBIL: Why are you thumping about? Better get your sleep.
LOUD YAWN You're not to loll about in bed all day.
You can fix that gate tomorrow.
No good lolling about in bed all day the thing is to pick up your life as normal.
Enjoy yourself.
Go repair things in your shed.
It's just as you left it.
It'll give you an interest in things working in your shed.
It's not our fault.
He insisted we took him to Lily, Bless Her.
He wanted to go.
Maybe last night.
On impulse.
But I wonder how he feels about it this morning? But what a way to go! Exactly.
He knew what he was doing.
He launched himself from her like a high cliff.
And left us to pick up the pieces at the bottom! Did tha see that daft grin? He looked happier dead than alive.
You're not horse racing TODAY? I must find a WINNER, I need a new suit for the funeral.
You DON'T need a new suit for the funeral, cos Sam left you his.
Me? You.
Why me? Who do you think needs one MORE? The navy blue? The navy blue.
That's not bad! Tha should a said last night, I could a brought it with me Who's a dozy little man, then? I bet that's me.
He recognises the description.
What have I DONE? We DIDN'T see Sam last night.
We NEVER went NEAR him.
We'd like you to repeat that.
We never went near him.
So we couldn't collect your suit.
Because we weren't THERE.
Got it! Where are you going? To Sybil's to get me suit.
What's up now? You CAN'T just go to Sybil's to fetch your suit.
It's MY suit.
Because we are not supposed to know YET that(HE IS DEAD.
) We WAIT until we hear it through the proper channels, and then we act SURPRISED.
Now do you understand? Let 'im keep 'is rotten suit if it's gonna be all this trouble.
'Ey up, I've left my paper! SCHOOL BELL RINGS The thing about growing up, is that you get fewer scabs on your knees, but more internal injuries.
They were great days at school.
Yes, great days, but even then there was no real amnesty.
Remember when that yellow-hammer flew at the window? You picked it up.
They've got lovely markings.
It had a drop of blood on its beak.
Identical colour to ours.
Just one drop.
Like a bright bead.
Then all those brightly plumed kids who left school, flying cheerfully and didn't get far.
Ran smack into World War II.
That's right.
Look on the bright side(!) Cheer up.
Little Tommy Naylor, lying in Africa somewhere.
Blood on his beak.
Identical colour to ours.
Aaargh! 'Ey, hang about, hang about.
Ow! Four letter words were a gift from the first bloke who ever laid a spanner to an unyielding nut.
Speaking of unyielding nuts, how goes mankind this morning? It's in the paper.
There you are, then.
No, about Sam.
I haven't got me reading glasses.
"Mordroyd.
Samuel H.
Beloved husband of Sybil.
" Are you sure it's the right one? "At his home after a long illness.
Funeral Monday.
" Did you hear that? AT HIS HOME! We've had more luck than we deserve and GOT AWAY with it.
So, now we can go and pay our respects officially.
FOGGY THINKS: "It knocks a hole in the dignity of it, him carrying that thing.
"In the protocol of bereavement there's no place for a rusty bicycle wheel.
" 'Ey up! It's dangerous round here.
Steady on, madam.
Don't stick up for 'im! Evil little monkey.
What a thing to do to a married woman! Wait till my 'usband's home! Steady, madam.
Out of the way! I'm trying, I'm trying.
Don't stick your nose in! That's it.
Thee tell 'im, Nora! Don't you speak to me! She's all woman.
Quite a lot of it's BRUSH! What's he supposed to have DONE? There's nothing SUPPOSED about it.
I know SUPPOSED from DONE! He had hold of my left leg! What have you got to say? Mistaken identity.
There was only you there.
Couldn't be mistaken identity.
My left leg! I thought it were your right one! Go on! Get off! All of you! SQUEAK Haven't you got a tie? What happened to your bit of rope? At the laundry.
I'm not one of your scruffs.
'Ey up! You'll manage.
Keep your hands in your pockets.
Everybody else just brings flowers.
We called to offer our condolences.
And maybe pick up the suit.
Not yet, I haven't been through his pockets.
We could give thee a hand.
Listen, I If there's anything we can do You can tell me how he managed to die in bed and still get his slippers wet through, lipstick on him, and fluff all over his trousers.
Couldn't a been easy.
Poor old Sam, I hope he wasn't wandering about or something - half delirious? Me granddad's lips went purple when he died.
This looked like PASSION PINK.
His looked like he'd been eating blackberries.
Shut up.
Listen Ugh, who does your laundry? Have you a piece of string, Sybil? Look in the shed.
Could we pay our respects to Sam? He's in the shed as well.
In the shed? In the shed? In the shed? I'm not having his cronies trampling my carpets! Typical of Sybil.
Keeps her dead in the shed.
Unorthodox, but practical.
Don't 'e look well? VOICES OUTSIDE It's their kid.
Come to raise a stink about Sam being in here.
There you are.
Oh, ta.
I'm glad you're here, give us a hand with our kid.
I should think so! Right, hold it there while me and my mate get that lathe.
And them tools.
He left thee them remember.
He left me the lot! Well, I think it's terrible.
I think we should be grateful their Colin left the shed.
# Gone # has my lover, # No familiar step upon the stair # Now.
I'm alone # BIG SPENDER # Would you like to have fun, fun, fun? # It's no place for 'im to spend 'is last weekend.
I'd have 'im, and welcome.
At least with me, e' could have me best room.
I could keep 'im nice, till they were ready for 'im on Monday.
Yes, well, as a tactical problem, I'd say it could be done.
You see, all we need is the transport.
Mind the gate, it SQUEAK! THE TELEVISION IS ON 'Ey up, 'ey up! We need your jacket for a curtain.
Why mine? It looks like an old curtain, now hang it over the window.
Aaah! What's the matter with you? It's Sam, he's laughing at us.
He's always like that.
He never used to be.
Pull yourself together.
This is the last time I'm taking him to Lily, Bless Her's.
Where're you going with that coffin? You KNOW where.
Not with the COFFIN.
Me van's not a furniture lorry you know.
Put your jacket on and get hold of his feet.
I don't fancy 'is feet! Listen to who's talking.
Aaargh! What is wrong? Well, he feels - different.
SQUEAK THEY SING 'DRUNKENLY' Never again.
But we have to bring him back for his funeral.
Oh my God! What do we leave in the coffin in the meantime? We need some sort of a dummy.
Fairburn.
Co-op tailoring.
He'll lend us a window dummy.
At this time of night? If 'e knows what's good for 'im.
Hang about.
We can't just leave an empty coffin.
Suppose Sybil looks in.
Needs to be something in the coffin.
There's only one thing it can be.
One of you lot.
I'm driving.
Right.
Short straw stays in the coffin.
LAUGHTER I suppose you think it's funny.
I bet it's not even aired.
Fits thee like a glove, Foggy.
Tha's never looked better.
Hurry up and get that dummy.
Oh, get off, will you! Don't pass the police station.
Go the long way round, ENGINE MISFIRING 'SICK' ENGINE NOISES It's nowt.
Just the petrol feed.
I'll clear it in a jiffy.
ENGINE SPLUTTERS AND DIES SID TAPPING SID SWEARS I used to bring my ferrets up here, on a bike.
Never knew your ferrets had a bike.
I could do with a Jimmy Riddle.
Make that two, it's all this excitement.
And the beer.
She'll be all right now.
Wish I'd thought about this before I started on the engine.
Hell of a place to leave FINGERPRINTS.
CATCALLS FROM CAR Hello Sid.
I thought it was your wagon.
Doing a bit of chipping up here? Thought I'd give it a try, catch the late night trade.
Money grabber.
Be back in half an hour, save us a couple of fish.
Oh my God! Now I'll have to light up all me pans.
Put me in a nice haddock.
He's scratching to go out again.
You sure he did his bizzy? Yes Did you actually see it? It's dark out there, should I dabble for it with me fingers? Me beer! Don't you dare hurt that sweet harmless creature.
He can't help it.
He's all knotted up inside.
Just because you don't walk him properly and see he does his functions.
I'll take him, I'll go out there in the dark.
What do you care if there's someone lurking out there intent on rape.
Who'd rape a pedigree poodle? All right.
I'll walk the damn thing.
Where the hell are they? What time is it? Don't just sniff about.
Do something.
Not in THERE.
Here! You can't disturb people when they've got a death in the house.
Well in the shed, anyway.
Poor old devil.
She wouldn't really leave him in the shed, would she? And one, no peas and give us 4 fishcakes Have you got any prawns? Listen, fartface.
It's gone midnight on a lonely road.
You want topless waitress and a bloody cabaret? Right4, no prawns.
What time is it by your clock? All right, all right.
No blasted prawns.
I want the police.
It's my 'usband, he's DISAPPEARED.
Ah, he looks more at 'ome here.
Doesn't he look more at 'ome here? You were a LONG time.
What kept ya? Don't ask.
I hate having to do this.
PEBBLES HIT WINDOW It's gonna be difficult keeping his missus in the dark.
Maybe she'll forgive 'im.
Then she'll make him suffer.
(You've got to help us.
) On account we know too much.
The wife asks have you been drinking.
(We need a shop window dummy.
) I think she strongly suspects you've been drinking.
(If it wasn't crisis time, we wouldn't ask.
) Greetings to your missus from 'er-on-the-bacon-counter.
He's tall - and he has sensitive features.
Any distinguishing marks? Distinguishing mar He's dead, isn't he? You think he's DEAD! They're not usually dead, madam, just run off with some other woman.
MOANS She's called the police! Can't tell them what I've seen, they'd lock me away.
Oh my God, two killers and a corpse! Oooh! I heard a moan.
I distinctly heard something moan.
Oh, stuff me! Ah! OOH! Oh! Get off! Get off! That's him! He's coming back to me! Oooh.
Where the hell have you been? Don't you start.
TELEVISION IS STILL ON CHURCH BELLS Alice, will you let me in! Why are we going through all this? I lent some friends a dummy, that's all.
I've done 24 butterfly buns.
You'll want some fresh scones, a nice piece of ham and some sherry.
No alcohol, we've got enough drunks! Him-Further-Down was brought home last night and he tried to strangle his poodle! 'Ey up, Ivy.
We've called for Sid.
He's upstairs.
Come in a minute.
We won't inconvenience you We'll see him at the pub.
It's no bother.
I've told you, I want to talk to you lot.
Just tell me how it is that you lot knew all about Sam being dead before anybody else did? Yes, well, umwe were very close.
I don't know what you're doing, but I WON'T have him dragged into it.
You start off these daft games and sometimes they end up serious.
I wish it was over.
Why did we take him back to Lily, Bless Her's? It seemed a good idea last night.
How does it seem today? There's one consolation, things can't get worse.
DRUNKEN SINGING I really don't fancy carting Sam about again.
It's got to be done.
We must get him back in time for his funeral.
My missus is getting suspicious.
Do what any decent husband would - keep lying.
ENGINE WON'T START IT STILL WON'T START CLOCK TICKING It's too late now, anyway.
It's getting light.
That's it then.
You'd better get off home now, it's not your problem, but thanks.
CHURCH BELLS RING Well, what are we going to do now? We're going to have to tell Sybil.
Not now, she'll still be in bed.
I'll get dressed and go round at 8.
No need for us all to go.
You know how she feels about too many feet on her carpets! Do they have central heating in Her Majesty's Nick.
I'd be the first Dewhirst to go to prison.
No comment.
KNOCK KNOCK Any tea left? We're in this together, one goes, we all go.
'Ey up, we're looking smart.
I'll change when we get there.
When she gives me the suit.
Nobody open their big gob about anything till I have the suit.
Done.
We wouldn't come between you and improvements in your tailoring.
Get it down you.
It's gonna be a hard, dry morning.
Make yourselves comfortable, but watch me carpet and don't spill that tea.
Oh, Cousin Olive.
This is my gentleman friend, Mr .
Come in.
Wipe yer feet.
And no smoking.
If you must smoke, the smokers are in the shed.
Who's that, then? That's Cousin Olive.
God knows who 'e is.
Does she know her skirt's too short? With her looks she has to do something.
God, look at this lot.
They're early, I thought we'd be first.
Don't forget, not a WORD till I get my suit.
Sorry, Sybil, but you'll have to call round at Lily, Bless Her's.
You what? Oh.
'Ey up, Nora.
Tha's looking very tasty.
Keep away.
Have you been invited? No.
But I'm ready when you are.
I wondered if you'd hear we had to bring the funeral forward an hour.
Quick - the suit! Wait here.
Could we have a word? Tha looks a treat, Nora.
Keep your eyes off me legs.
They really do suit you, do funerals.
Take it.
But I want the hanger back.
We'd like a word with you, Sybil.
In private.
I haven't time now.
Can we stop at the dairy on the way back, I'm low on milk.
Well, I tried.
You heard me.
What do we do now? There's nothing to it.
We just wait till they LYNCH us.
She's been through every pocket.
Oh my God.
Who coloured that.
Get the lid on, quick.
How's that for professional negligence? They'll cremate ANY damned thing.
I'll get changed in the shed.
We've got to stop it before it goes any further.
No, not here in the street in front of all her neighbours.
Wait till we get to the church.
Anybody like a coconut mushroom? Ta.
THINKS: "Life.
Funny.
"Even the ordinary, perhaps ESPECIALLY the ordinary, "from the standpoint of heaven, how magical must Mottishaw's Bakery be.
"Could Paradise boast anything rarer than OK Motors (Northern) Ltd? "And what about us three? "Sucking coconut mushrooms on our way to the last rites of a co-op window dummy.
" Go on.
My missus wants a word.
Mind my suit.
I'm helping a young lady out of the car.
Oooh! No time for that.
We've got to stop the funeral.
You've time for this.
It wasn't Sid's fault.
We made him do it.
I reckon the blame's about equal.
You're equally thick.
No more dummies, thank you.
Not another dummy, it's YOUR dummy.
Who's in the? Who do you think's in.
Sam's in.
When he got home at dawn, looking shifty, I made him tell me about it.
She thought it was another woman.
I had to say something.
Then she got the garage out, started the van and got Sam back in time.
The only danger was in the street so we wrapped him in brown paper, put his feet in a plant pot with leaves showing at the top, and carried him into the shed.
Who'd notice that.
Why didn't you tell us? I made him wait.
Thought it'd do you good to sweat a bit.
Oh, Ivy.
What're you doing? Get away! Get off! # The Lord is my shepherd.
# SYBIL: Oh, come on, get in.
No! Not like that.
Dammit.
You're not emptying an ashtray.
This is a solemn moment.
It calls for a certain ceremony.
If Sam's not bothered, what's thee fussing for? Just leave it with me, all right? 'E gets on my wick.
He's particular how he pours people over the landscape.
Farewell, Old Sam.
I thought YOU were! Well, someone better START! # The colour of summer's gone, Of golden days when I was young, # Of girls who came but soon moved on # Is in my summer wine # The perfumes of earth and vine # Of meadows when the rain has gone # Of women with their finery on # Is in my summer wine # The memories I can see Here in my cup # Of sweet, short days, Bitter days # Now all drunk up # The taste of the life that slips # From day to day through fingers blind # The honey from a woman's lips # Is in my summer wine # I drink now to mellow days # To grapes forever pressed and gone # To girls whose warmth became the sun # And gave my summer wine.
# This time last year the tar was melting in the road outside the TV rentals.
Hot? The Far East now, my word, THAT was hot.
Whenever it's hot the bird in the dry cleaners wears almost nothing under her overall.
When do YOU go to the dry cleaners? Whenever it's hot! They even turned the heat down in the electricity showrooms.
Have you any idea how many unseemly substances may be on that blade of grass? FARTING BLAST It'll be covered in THAT for a start! Be warm for Sam this afternoon.
Well, it always is in hospital.
I thought he were gettin' better.
Maybe they'll let 'im sit outside.
Maybe.
Any road, we'll cheer him up tonight.
Oh yes? God's gift to the National Health, are we? And no more language in front of his wife! THAT were 'n EMERGENCY! I'd dropped me fag down me welly! You shouldn't smoke in the wards! For an HOUR? What d'they expect you to do? Have some consideration for Sam's condition.
I mean, he's had to give up PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING! They're not consistent about THAT.
If he's cutting out all what's bad for him, why's his missus there? Maybe he likes her better now he's near death's door.
Would you? Nobut he IS under strong medication.
She's a hard bitch, is Sybil.
She's good with flaky pastry.
She keeps his house immaculate.
Well, she never lets anyone in it! SAM'S had to spend best part of his married life in GARDEN SHED! Well, she must be SOME consolation to him.
If ANY mortal thing could make death seem palatable, Sybil could.
SOUND OF CAR APPROACHING I must say, Sam's made the best of it.
Preserved his marriage by combining Christian patience and a twice weekly frolic with Lily, Bless Her.
Aye, she's been good to 'im has Lily, Bless Her.
Eh, he'll be SICK if he has to give THAT up as well! Ey up! That's old Fairburn's car! Fairburn's Co-op Tailoring.
What's he doing up here in his STITCHED LAPELS? He's not your TYPICAL nature lover.
I understood he was a stamp collector.
That's more like it.
British Empire and Possessions which won't take up a lot of anybody's time these days.
Well, he can't play bar billiards.
He made a RIGHT hack t'other night at the Shoulder of Mutton.
It's stuffy in the Co-op Tailoring.
I expect the poor chap's come here to rid his lungs of accumulated Harris Tweed and flecks of mohair.
Well, it's none of our business why he's here Which I find makes it rather MORE fascinating.
'Ello, 'ello! So THAT'S what he's doin'! It's Her-From-The-Bacon-Counter! The DIRTY DEVIL! That's the LAST TIME I let 'im round MY inside leg! What kind of carry-on is THAT for a stamp collector? Get down! He'll SEE you! Cheeky Prawn! 'Ey, I wonder if he gets his DIVI on that?! Put your eyes back in! They'll roll down the hill! Tell thee what, I 'ope for her sake he's slicker at that than he is at bar billiards! 'Ey up! That's a picture! Oh, come away! Come ON! Now Lily, you know it's NO use.
You can't go visiting Sam in hospitalnot while Sybil's there.
I wouldn't mind, but she doesn't even LIKE him.
She doesn't have to.
She's married to him.
'Scuse me.
Oh, I like your knickers, Lily! Do you? Got to keep up appearances.
I'm not getting any younger.
Come in.
Don't stand there.
You'll have HER-ACROSS needing A HINGE ON HER FACE! It can't be easy keeping one eye on telly and t'other on me.
Sit yourselves down.
I'll get some glasses.
Does his wife stay the full hour? Every minute.
She knits! She goes to visit him and KNITS? Sit down, you've time for a beer.
Aye, we've time for a beer, love.
'ey up! I'd like to talk Nora Batty into these piggies! Put it away! PIGGY-PIG! PUT IT AWAY! TRUST SYBIL TO KNIT! She fills every minute FULL of THOSE kind of excitements.
If he had ANOTHER attack I wonder if she'd DROP A SINGLE STITCH! All right, I can't visit but I've baked more buns.
Oh GOD! Not MORE buns! There's plenty if you'd like one.
No, we'll just 'ave the beer, love.
That'll leave more for Sam.
Well, here's wishing all the best to Sam.
When you see 'im, tell 'im to shape 'is self.
Tell 'im to write.
I've only 'ad ONE letter.
"Dear Lily.
Did I leave me reading glasses? "A bloke here knows you from the Three Horse Shoes with a hernia called Trevor.
"I haven't got to lift, but I'm doing nicely.
Sam" It's been 3 weeks now and THAT's the ONLY word I've had! Give over, love, we've kept you posted.
You can tell that I must be constantly on his mind.
It's got the authentic ring of ungovernable passion about it.
He's just glib, is Sam.
And who's this flaming Trevor? Could be him in the corner.
With screens round?! They don't put screens round a hernia.
They put screens round Uncle Dudley when he went in.
YE-ES ! Maybe it's compulsory round Uncle Dudleys(?) Your Colin called.
I wish he wouldn't.
He smells rusty.
He wanted to borrow your socket set.
I told him he couldn't.
He hasn't brought your tenon saw back yet.
I've had the Jehovah's Witnesses at the front door.
I told 'em - "Convert someone who lives scruffy.
" SAM THINKS "Good skin She's always had a good skin" "Hoarded it like a miser, though.
" And another thing "If she'd only given the marriage bed the same determination she gives to cleaning the house.
" BIRD SONG "Cosgrave's missus has decent knees.
"She never takes her eye off him.
"She squeezes his hand whenever she can.
"He lets her, when he thinks nobody's looking.
"She's 45badly dressed and lovely.
"She brings him books and massive quantities of affection.
"Do him more good than medication.
"She'll have him home in no time.
"A bit of sun wouldn't hurt.
" Cosgrave's wife wants to learn how to sit properly! She idolises him, woman! That IS sitting properly! I knew YOU'D think so.
SOUNDS OF DISTURBANCE 'Ay up, Sam! (Keep your voice down!) And WHO baked them? He did! He did! He did! Erit were joint We all did a bit.
Like your hat.
Don't WE like Sybil's hat? Ravishing as ever! And that's only Sam.
Sssssssssss! He DON'T look well! They only like two to a bed.
Don't we all, hee-hee-hee(!) Ouc-c-c-h! He's not supposed to have food brought in.
A gesture.
We can take it back again.
Funny bringing it in, then.
EasyeasyThe lid sticks.
I'LL manage! It's my best bun tin! Go steady with it! Allow me, Sybil.
Your BEST bun tin, is it (?) And WHAT'S THIS a picture of? Buckingham Palace! That is what THEY usually are, but this one iser St JANE'S.
(James, you prawn!) St James, you prawn Palace.
I-I'll take him out.
There's only 2 to a bed.
Cheerio, Sam.
Let it be acknowledged, Sybil, yours ARE superior buns.
It looks like somebody's knee-cap.
Not enough fat.
There's fat enough where THESE came from! It's irrelevant, seeing I'll be dead.
Can't evade your responsibilities! It's a good start! He means it! He's determined to die! He's improving.
He'll be home next week.
Aye.
Once I'm out, they'll NOT get me back in.
It's all right.
It's good enough.
But it's not home, is it? Since when have you known YOUR home? Mostly it's been in the back shed.
(I've wanted to get you two on your own.
) (You're a witness.
I want our Colin to have me woodworking tools.
) Put a good face on it.
Your mate can have me best suit.
Foggy? No.
Compo? Why not? I 'ope he can steer it, or it'll drag 'im round to 'er in Sugden Street.
It's Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers! That man has no idea of military footwork.
We saw thee down by the river.
Down.
.
by.
.
the.
.
river! With 'er from t' bacon counter! There was no need to embarrass the man.
'Ay up! I was only pulling 'is leg! Nobody's going to split on him.
Mum's the word, then? Right? Relax.
She's only a slip of a thing, but we love each other.
You great, daft begger! SLIP of a thing?! She's built like a brick! We don't wish to know that! Your secret is safe with us.
It's NOT just a physical thing, it's spiritual, really.
She has eyes like the colour of me favourite green check in the best pattern book.
A 14 ounce, thorn-proof tweed, with a faint loved fleck.
SQUEAK Good morning, Sybil.
'Ay up, Sybil.
Is Sam 'ome yet? If 'e was 'ome, he'd have fixed the squeaky gate.
Thought he was coming home today.
No ambulance till this afternoon.
Buthe COULD come home this morning IF somebody fetched him? If 'e had some transport.
Can you drive it? I said, can you drive it? He's not a mechanical cretin.
Nobut he's close.
We can't leave Sam kicking 'is heels all day.
'E wants to be 'ome.
Did you HAVE to leave it pointing at the river? BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! HaWe'll wait out 'ere with Sid till tha gets the 'ang 'o it.
GEAR GRATES There's no synchromesh on first.
LOUDER GRATE There isn't now! Now, there's your letter.
DO take care of yourself, won't you? Bye.
NO cream cakes, NO animal fats, NO fornication.
Time you packed it in, anyway.
Cream cakes at your age?! DISGUSTING! By hell! No expense spared.
Ha ha! Bonny day(!) They forecast rain later.
Hey! There's some cold chips back 'ere! Turn off 'ere! STOP! What about me ASHES? Flick them on the floor.
Not me cigarette ash my OWN ashes.
My personal residue, when I've snuffed it.
LISTEN, we'll ALL snuff it, if you carry on like that.
You're only saying that.
When it comes to the crunch, I'll have to go on me own.
This is it! This IS it! I want 'em scattering just 'ere.
I want you to promise.
It's nice up 'ere.
I can see Ducket's Foundry and Mottishaw's Bakery.
I shall know where I am.
They're not likely to build up 'ere.
I don't want anybody goin' through me with a bleedin' motorway.
'Ay up, Sybil! We've brought 'im 'ome.
SYBIL: Take 'is boots off! He's not trampling over me carpets! His boots aren't poorly.
Huh-hhhhh! Listen, come and get me when she's gone to bed.
I want you to sneak me down to Lily, Bless Her.
You're not ready for Lily, Bless Her.
Get back into training! Start with something easier Build yourself a garage.
You've GOT to promise.
What's THAT damn thing parked in t' street? Oh, not ours.
DON'T forget (I'm relying on you.
) Get off, you daft devil! Are we sure this is a good idea? I'm sure it's a bad idea, but he's RELYING on us, isn't he? That sounded like thunder.
It will be if Sybil catches us.
Hey up, her bedroom light's still on.
Maybe she's doing something special on his first night home.
Like what? Papering a ceiling? We'll give it 15 minutes.
We CAN'T wait here 15 minutes! We CAN wait here 15 minutes, it's a normal thing to do.
We're just 3 people chatting, that's all.
The thing is, not to look suspicious.
I FEEL suspicious an' he LOOKS suspicious.
It's a knack I 'ave.
The thing is not to be seen skulking in the shadows.
I was looking forward to a skulk! I REALLY was looking forward to a GOOD skulk(!) We do it openly in the lamplight.
Like Lily Marlene.
I feel a right LILY standing 'ere.
DOG BARKS Rememberwe're just 3 people standing here talking.
It's all right, we're just 3 people standing here talking.
I think he likes you.
Couldn't he just wag 'is tail? (Does anyone remember if the gate squeaks?) SQUEAK Psst!Sam! ABOUT time! I must tell you that you don't look like you've got animal magnetism.
Can't you postpone the HEAVY BREATHING? I have to breathe.
It's just a habit you could break it if you tried.
OOW-W-W! He's got 100 ways to make your eyes water! You're going the LONG way round.
We've got to.
We DAREN'T go past the police station and all those bright lights! CLEGG THINKS: "Lord have mercy on this damn fool man being wheeled on a bicycle "to an unwise assignation "with no socks on.
" "Oh.
.
all right Be like that then!" It's nice and snug in here.
Ha! Not as snug as where Sam is! DRUNKEN SINGING What are you doing? AAAH! LILY SCREAMS LILY CRYING MORE CRYING LOUD SCREAM It's Sam.
He won't wake up.
He's dead! Come on, Sam.
Stop messing about.
Sam, pack it in.
LILY SOBS Slurp! SLURP! Quiet.
You're not emptying a BATH! SLUUURP! SLUUUUURP! He only wanted a CUDDLE.
Where's the harm in that? A terminal cuddle.
What a time to go! I saw him lying there, and I thought Sam, you tactless prat! 'E's dropped us RIGHT in it now.
He thinks it's funny.
Did tha see his face? He wanted a bit a COMFORT, that's all! From the expression on his face, I think he found it! You can't trust anybody.
We sneak him out once - and right away - OFF he goes on this impulsive trip into the infinite! It will be a shock for Sybil.
God, who's going to tell Sybil? You hear of people dying in BED, but, dammit, it's supposed to be YOUR OWN BED.
He ought to go back to Sybil.
It's not right, him being here.
SOME things you can only do at HOME.
Never 'ad much time for that woman, but I'd not embarrass her with THIS.
HE GOES BACK.
You'll have to take him home! HOW!?! The same way you brought him! I've never turned him away before, and I don't like doing it now, We all know his proper place now - and it isn't HERE! Honestly - you'd think he'd never ridden a bike before(!) We CAN'T wheel him through the streets like that.
He's got to look NATURAL.
Don't tell ME - TELL HIM! It's no good.
We'll have to borrow Sid's van again.
(TAP-TAP-TAP) (Listen, somebody's at the window.
) (Don't talk wet - we're upstairs.
) (TAP-TAP-TAP) (Oh God! There IS somebody at the window.
Go and see who it is.
) (And be a male chauvinist pig? How about equal opportunity?) (Worm! Expecting your wife to go - it could be ANYBODY!) (Some lunatic desperate for a woman!) (See - it's for you!) (TAP-TAP-TAP) AH-OH-OOOW! CRASH! Ow! You can relax, it's nobody who wants to bite your neck.
It's Clegg! What does he want at this time! I'm going to find out, aren't I? I thought I could wake you without disturbing Ivy.
You've made a right bog of it! I was standing on me bike, Me bike slipped.
You know, I've got potty friends.
WELL? Nothing, really.
NOTHING! At this time of night? I don't mean it's not important.
He came to tell me poor old Sam's dead.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Me too! It's not unexpected.
Funny, why tell you at this hour? Why not? In a hurry, too! I SAW him, scuttling away.
You've had that effect on my friends for years.
Well you know such rogues.
Have you TOLD me EVERYTHING? No secrets between husband and wife! That's RICH! You undress behind the wardrobe door.
You'd sooner hop on one leg than let me lamp your infinite varieties.
Just like my mother said! "You want to talk about wallpaper, and all they want is the rolls of fat at the top of your leg!" SID THINKS: "How can you refuse a late mate the use of your chip van.
"Just don't get caught, that's all.
"Poor old Sam.
You wonder about life after death.
"You never dreamed it would consist of falling into the hands of them three dozy beggars.
" AAAH! Shut up, will ya? A dead man's hand, how would you like it? AAAH! Will you pack it in, we nearly had an accident.
We did, he nearly had kittens.
FOGGY THINKS: "All we need now is the constabulary.
The scandal of it! "We'll end up in Madame Tussaud's.
Serves me right for mixing with this riff-raff.
"But what a prospect for eternity.
"Me, as a wax figure, next to this dozy prat!" OWL HOOTS Get in step.
We're NOT in the guards! Don't tell me.
We're just 3 carpet salesmen going about their lawful business(!) GATE SQUEAKS (Get a move on!) He's covered in fluff.
Only dead 5 minutes and look at the state he's in! SYBIL: Why are you thumping about? Better get your sleep.
LOUD YAWN You're not to loll about in bed all day.
You can fix that gate tomorrow.
No good lolling about in bed all day the thing is to pick up your life as normal.
Enjoy yourself.
Go repair things in your shed.
It's just as you left it.
It'll give you an interest in things working in your shed.
It's not our fault.
He insisted we took him to Lily, Bless Her.
He wanted to go.
Maybe last night.
On impulse.
But I wonder how he feels about it this morning? But what a way to go! Exactly.
He knew what he was doing.
He launched himself from her like a high cliff.
And left us to pick up the pieces at the bottom! Did tha see that daft grin? He looked happier dead than alive.
You're not horse racing TODAY? I must find a WINNER, I need a new suit for the funeral.
You DON'T need a new suit for the funeral, cos Sam left you his.
Me? You.
Why me? Who do you think needs one MORE? The navy blue? The navy blue.
That's not bad! Tha should a said last night, I could a brought it with me Who's a dozy little man, then? I bet that's me.
He recognises the description.
What have I DONE? We DIDN'T see Sam last night.
We NEVER went NEAR him.
We'd like you to repeat that.
We never went near him.
So we couldn't collect your suit.
Because we weren't THERE.
Got it! Where are you going? To Sybil's to get me suit.
What's up now? You CAN'T just go to Sybil's to fetch your suit.
It's MY suit.
Because we are not supposed to know YET that(HE IS DEAD.
) We WAIT until we hear it through the proper channels, and then we act SURPRISED.
Now do you understand? Let 'im keep 'is rotten suit if it's gonna be all this trouble.
'Ey up, I've left my paper! SCHOOL BELL RINGS The thing about growing up, is that you get fewer scabs on your knees, but more internal injuries.
They were great days at school.
Yes, great days, but even then there was no real amnesty.
Remember when that yellow-hammer flew at the window? You picked it up.
They've got lovely markings.
It had a drop of blood on its beak.
Identical colour to ours.
Just one drop.
Like a bright bead.
Then all those brightly plumed kids who left school, flying cheerfully and didn't get far.
Ran smack into World War II.
That's right.
Look on the bright side(!) Cheer up.
Little Tommy Naylor, lying in Africa somewhere.
Blood on his beak.
Identical colour to ours.
Aaargh! 'Ey, hang about, hang about.
Ow! Four letter words were a gift from the first bloke who ever laid a spanner to an unyielding nut.
Speaking of unyielding nuts, how goes mankind this morning? It's in the paper.
There you are, then.
No, about Sam.
I haven't got me reading glasses.
"Mordroyd.
Samuel H.
Beloved husband of Sybil.
" Are you sure it's the right one? "At his home after a long illness.
Funeral Monday.
" Did you hear that? AT HIS HOME! We've had more luck than we deserve and GOT AWAY with it.
So, now we can go and pay our respects officially.
FOGGY THINKS: "It knocks a hole in the dignity of it, him carrying that thing.
"In the protocol of bereavement there's no place for a rusty bicycle wheel.
" 'Ey up! It's dangerous round here.
Steady on, madam.
Don't stick up for 'im! Evil little monkey.
What a thing to do to a married woman! Wait till my 'usband's home! Steady, madam.
Out of the way! I'm trying, I'm trying.
Don't stick your nose in! That's it.
Thee tell 'im, Nora! Don't you speak to me! She's all woman.
Quite a lot of it's BRUSH! What's he supposed to have DONE? There's nothing SUPPOSED about it.
I know SUPPOSED from DONE! He had hold of my left leg! What have you got to say? Mistaken identity.
There was only you there.
Couldn't be mistaken identity.
My left leg! I thought it were your right one! Go on! Get off! All of you! SQUEAK Haven't you got a tie? What happened to your bit of rope? At the laundry.
I'm not one of your scruffs.
'Ey up! You'll manage.
Keep your hands in your pockets.
Everybody else just brings flowers.
We called to offer our condolences.
And maybe pick up the suit.
Not yet, I haven't been through his pockets.
We could give thee a hand.
Listen, I If there's anything we can do You can tell me how he managed to die in bed and still get his slippers wet through, lipstick on him, and fluff all over his trousers.
Couldn't a been easy.
Poor old Sam, I hope he wasn't wandering about or something - half delirious? Me granddad's lips went purple when he died.
This looked like PASSION PINK.
His looked like he'd been eating blackberries.
Shut up.
Listen Ugh, who does your laundry? Have you a piece of string, Sybil? Look in the shed.
Could we pay our respects to Sam? He's in the shed as well.
In the shed? In the shed? In the shed? I'm not having his cronies trampling my carpets! Typical of Sybil.
Keeps her dead in the shed.
Unorthodox, but practical.
Don't 'e look well? VOICES OUTSIDE It's their kid.
Come to raise a stink about Sam being in here.
There you are.
Oh, ta.
I'm glad you're here, give us a hand with our kid.
I should think so! Right, hold it there while me and my mate get that lathe.
And them tools.
He left thee them remember.
He left me the lot! Well, I think it's terrible.
I think we should be grateful their Colin left the shed.
# Gone # has my lover, # No familiar step upon the stair # Now.
I'm alone # BIG SPENDER # Would you like to have fun, fun, fun? # It's no place for 'im to spend 'is last weekend.
I'd have 'im, and welcome.
At least with me, e' could have me best room.
I could keep 'im nice, till they were ready for 'im on Monday.
Yes, well, as a tactical problem, I'd say it could be done.
You see, all we need is the transport.
Mind the gate, it SQUEAK! THE TELEVISION IS ON 'Ey up, 'ey up! We need your jacket for a curtain.
Why mine? It looks like an old curtain, now hang it over the window.
Aaah! What's the matter with you? It's Sam, he's laughing at us.
He's always like that.
He never used to be.
Pull yourself together.
This is the last time I'm taking him to Lily, Bless Her's.
Where're you going with that coffin? You KNOW where.
Not with the COFFIN.
Me van's not a furniture lorry you know.
Put your jacket on and get hold of his feet.
I don't fancy 'is feet! Listen to who's talking.
Aaargh! What is wrong? Well, he feels - different.
SQUEAK THEY SING 'DRUNKENLY' Never again.
But we have to bring him back for his funeral.
Oh my God! What do we leave in the coffin in the meantime? We need some sort of a dummy.
Fairburn.
Co-op tailoring.
He'll lend us a window dummy.
At this time of night? If 'e knows what's good for 'im.
Hang about.
We can't just leave an empty coffin.
Suppose Sybil looks in.
Needs to be something in the coffin.
There's only one thing it can be.
One of you lot.
I'm driving.
Right.
Short straw stays in the coffin.
LAUGHTER I suppose you think it's funny.
I bet it's not even aired.
Fits thee like a glove, Foggy.
Tha's never looked better.
Hurry up and get that dummy.
Oh, get off, will you! Don't pass the police station.
Go the long way round, ENGINE MISFIRING 'SICK' ENGINE NOISES It's nowt.
Just the petrol feed.
I'll clear it in a jiffy.
ENGINE SPLUTTERS AND DIES SID TAPPING SID SWEARS I used to bring my ferrets up here, on a bike.
Never knew your ferrets had a bike.
I could do with a Jimmy Riddle.
Make that two, it's all this excitement.
And the beer.
She'll be all right now.
Wish I'd thought about this before I started on the engine.
Hell of a place to leave FINGERPRINTS.
CATCALLS FROM CAR Hello Sid.
I thought it was your wagon.
Doing a bit of chipping up here? Thought I'd give it a try, catch the late night trade.
Money grabber.
Be back in half an hour, save us a couple of fish.
Oh my God! Now I'll have to light up all me pans.
Put me in a nice haddock.
He's scratching to go out again.
You sure he did his bizzy? Yes Did you actually see it? It's dark out there, should I dabble for it with me fingers? Me beer! Don't you dare hurt that sweet harmless creature.
He can't help it.
He's all knotted up inside.
Just because you don't walk him properly and see he does his functions.
I'll take him, I'll go out there in the dark.
What do you care if there's someone lurking out there intent on rape.
Who'd rape a pedigree poodle? All right.
I'll walk the damn thing.
Where the hell are they? What time is it? Don't just sniff about.
Do something.
Not in THERE.
Here! You can't disturb people when they've got a death in the house.
Well in the shed, anyway.
Poor old devil.
She wouldn't really leave him in the shed, would she? And one, no peas and give us 4 fishcakes Have you got any prawns? Listen, fartface.
It's gone midnight on a lonely road.
You want topless waitress and a bloody cabaret? Right4, no prawns.
What time is it by your clock? All right, all right.
No blasted prawns.
I want the police.
It's my 'usband, he's DISAPPEARED.
Ah, he looks more at 'ome here.
Doesn't he look more at 'ome here? You were a LONG time.
What kept ya? Don't ask.
I hate having to do this.
PEBBLES HIT WINDOW It's gonna be difficult keeping his missus in the dark.
Maybe she'll forgive 'im.
Then she'll make him suffer.
(You've got to help us.
) On account we know too much.
The wife asks have you been drinking.
(We need a shop window dummy.
) I think she strongly suspects you've been drinking.
(If it wasn't crisis time, we wouldn't ask.
) Greetings to your missus from 'er-on-the-bacon-counter.
He's tall - and he has sensitive features.
Any distinguishing marks? Distinguishing mar He's dead, isn't he? You think he's DEAD! They're not usually dead, madam, just run off with some other woman.
MOANS She's called the police! Can't tell them what I've seen, they'd lock me away.
Oh my God, two killers and a corpse! Oooh! I heard a moan.
I distinctly heard something moan.
Oh, stuff me! Ah! OOH! Oh! Get off! Get off! That's him! He's coming back to me! Oooh.
Where the hell have you been? Don't you start.
TELEVISION IS STILL ON CHURCH BELLS Alice, will you let me in! Why are we going through all this? I lent some friends a dummy, that's all.
I've done 24 butterfly buns.
You'll want some fresh scones, a nice piece of ham and some sherry.
No alcohol, we've got enough drunks! Him-Further-Down was brought home last night and he tried to strangle his poodle! 'Ey up, Ivy.
We've called for Sid.
He's upstairs.
Come in a minute.
We won't inconvenience you We'll see him at the pub.
It's no bother.
I've told you, I want to talk to you lot.
Just tell me how it is that you lot knew all about Sam being dead before anybody else did? Yes, well, umwe were very close.
I don't know what you're doing, but I WON'T have him dragged into it.
You start off these daft games and sometimes they end up serious.
I wish it was over.
Why did we take him back to Lily, Bless Her's? It seemed a good idea last night.
How does it seem today? There's one consolation, things can't get worse.
DRUNKEN SINGING I really don't fancy carting Sam about again.
It's got to be done.
We must get him back in time for his funeral.
My missus is getting suspicious.
Do what any decent husband would - keep lying.
ENGINE WON'T START IT STILL WON'T START CLOCK TICKING It's too late now, anyway.
It's getting light.
That's it then.
You'd better get off home now, it's not your problem, but thanks.
CHURCH BELLS RING Well, what are we going to do now? We're going to have to tell Sybil.
Not now, she'll still be in bed.
I'll get dressed and go round at 8.
No need for us all to go.
You know how she feels about too many feet on her carpets! Do they have central heating in Her Majesty's Nick.
I'd be the first Dewhirst to go to prison.
No comment.
KNOCK KNOCK Any tea left? We're in this together, one goes, we all go.
'Ey up, we're looking smart.
I'll change when we get there.
When she gives me the suit.
Nobody open their big gob about anything till I have the suit.
Done.
We wouldn't come between you and improvements in your tailoring.
Get it down you.
It's gonna be a hard, dry morning.
Make yourselves comfortable, but watch me carpet and don't spill that tea.
Oh, Cousin Olive.
This is my gentleman friend, Mr .
Come in.
Wipe yer feet.
And no smoking.
If you must smoke, the smokers are in the shed.
Who's that, then? That's Cousin Olive.
God knows who 'e is.
Does she know her skirt's too short? With her looks she has to do something.
God, look at this lot.
They're early, I thought we'd be first.
Don't forget, not a WORD till I get my suit.
Sorry, Sybil, but you'll have to call round at Lily, Bless Her's.
You what? Oh.
'Ey up, Nora.
Tha's looking very tasty.
Keep away.
Have you been invited? No.
But I'm ready when you are.
I wondered if you'd hear we had to bring the funeral forward an hour.
Quick - the suit! Wait here.
Could we have a word? Tha looks a treat, Nora.
Keep your eyes off me legs.
They really do suit you, do funerals.
Take it.
But I want the hanger back.
We'd like a word with you, Sybil.
In private.
I haven't time now.
Can we stop at the dairy on the way back, I'm low on milk.
Well, I tried.
You heard me.
What do we do now? There's nothing to it.
We just wait till they LYNCH us.
She's been through every pocket.
Oh my God.
Who coloured that.
Get the lid on, quick.
How's that for professional negligence? They'll cremate ANY damned thing.
I'll get changed in the shed.
We've got to stop it before it goes any further.
No, not here in the street in front of all her neighbours.
Wait till we get to the church.
Anybody like a coconut mushroom? Ta.
THINKS: "Life.
Funny.
"Even the ordinary, perhaps ESPECIALLY the ordinary, "from the standpoint of heaven, how magical must Mottishaw's Bakery be.
"Could Paradise boast anything rarer than OK Motors (Northern) Ltd? "And what about us three? "Sucking coconut mushrooms on our way to the last rites of a co-op window dummy.
" Go on.
My missus wants a word.
Mind my suit.
I'm helping a young lady out of the car.
Oooh! No time for that.
We've got to stop the funeral.
You've time for this.
It wasn't Sid's fault.
We made him do it.
I reckon the blame's about equal.
You're equally thick.
No more dummies, thank you.
Not another dummy, it's YOUR dummy.
Who's in the? Who do you think's in.
Sam's in.
When he got home at dawn, looking shifty, I made him tell me about it.
She thought it was another woman.
I had to say something.
Then she got the garage out, started the van and got Sam back in time.
The only danger was in the street so we wrapped him in brown paper, put his feet in a plant pot with leaves showing at the top, and carried him into the shed.
Who'd notice that.
Why didn't you tell us? I made him wait.
Thought it'd do you good to sweat a bit.
Oh, Ivy.
What're you doing? Get away! Get off! # The Lord is my shepherd.
# SYBIL: Oh, come on, get in.
No! Not like that.
Dammit.
You're not emptying an ashtray.
This is a solemn moment.
It calls for a certain ceremony.
If Sam's not bothered, what's thee fussing for? Just leave it with me, all right? 'E gets on my wick.
He's particular how he pours people over the landscape.
Farewell, Old Sam.