Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s09e01 Episode Script
LLC1663D - Why Does Norman Clegg Buy Ladies' Elastic Stockings?
LOUD BRUSHING SOUND NORA: Give it here! We'll have one more.
Oh, good(!) Don't you want to help? 'Course I do! How CAN you lie like that? I have to.
Wrong answers get me into bother.
Can't tha find a softer brush? There's folk trying to sleep here.
It's time you were up.
I know! Best time of all for a lie-in.
Get dressed! I don't want people thinking I talk to half-naked neighbours.
Wrap a stocking around them bristles, like tha does thee legs.
Don't start talking about me legs! You're always talking about me legs! Not all your legs.
Just that bit what shows.
Did you hear him?! Where do you want this bucket? Oh, that's it! Show some concern! How can you stand there while a man insults me? It's not easy, with a full bucket! Nobody's insulting thee.
There you are.
See? I'd like to see thee in showroom condition.
He'd like to see thee Don't repeat him! Are you a husband or a parrot? Who's a clever boy, then?! It's only me.
Can I come in? Come in, Howard.
I can't stop.
Goodbye, Howard.
Not just yet! If Pearl comes in, we tell her I popped in to borrow something.
What? I don't know.
Do I have to think of everything? It has to be a thing you haven't got, to explain why I haven't got it when she asks me what I've got.
What do you want? You sound like I only come when I want something.
You only come looking guilty when you want something.
Do I look guilty? I do, don't I? Do you think Pearl noticed? She doesn't miss much.
The wives around here are trained to notice.
When southern girls play with dolls, the girls here practise Lie Recognition and Unarmed Wedlock.
That's it.
Go on.
Cheer me up.
Oh, I don't know why I should feel guilty all the time.
Marina? Not so loud! (Marina.
) Even THAT's loud.
Mmm.
I want you to do me a favour, Clegg.
You know I will, as long as I don't get caught between Pearl and Marina.
I wish you'd stop shouting! You've been such a quiet neighbour and suddenly you start shouting! I want you to take this note and give it to Marina.
What?! In the supermarket.
Oh, no! Where's the harm? She's just a young lady who shares my interest in the local stone-age burial sites.
In high heels, Howard? I don't see why archaeology should be dulldo you? It's terrible when you can't trust your own husband! Don't think of it as terrible.
Look at it as a fact of life.
Has yours ever had any interest in the opposite sex? I like to think he was motivated along those lines when he asked me to marry him.
What about other women? Oh, in the early days.
What did you do? I let him buy a 20-year-old clapped-out Sunbeam tourer.
Complete rebuild required.
I've never looked back since! Howard wouldn't fancy a clapped-out old banger.
There are some who say that's just what she looks like.
Wears too much make-up.
True But where's the virtue in looking like you've just had a serious operation? You tell it like it is, don't you, Edie? If it may help, love.
Pearl! Back already? What are you up to? Ipopped in to borrow something.
What? What are you borrowing? Budgie seed.
Superglue.
I hadn't got it Both Neither! What do you want with budgie seed? Iwas going to feed this bluetit.
He looked hungry.
I can't wait to hear about the Superglue! To stick the budgie seed somewhere safe.
Out of reach of cats.
That's it! The cats! You don't think she suspected? Underneath that nervous exterior, you're really an optimist, Howard.
I am.
I really am.
I think I was built for a warmer climate.
Once you get home, it'll get warmer! You don't think she believed the budgie seed? Goodbye, Howard.
You'll not forget the note.
Cross my heart with Superglue.
Seymour? .
.
What's all this then? What d'you mean, who am I? You know who I am! It's Wesley! How am I supposed to prove it on the telephone? Dammit, I'm your brother-in-law! I brought those gears and sprockets you're wanting.
Will I what? Fetch your milk bottle? Cripes! He's even keeping the milkman out! ALARM RINGSSTOPS WHEN IT'S KICKED ALARM RINGS AGAIN ALARM STOPS Of course I'm keeping the milkman out! A milkman's outfit is a perfect cover for stealing secrets! All those leaks in Whitehall.
Moles in high places? Bull! It's the milkman! That's £4.
60.
Bye-bye, now! Hey up, it's a lady's excuse me! Will you leave that poor woman alone?! Honestly! She came in for breakfast and suddenly she'd getting more exercise than Howard and Marina! ARGH! You are very chunky, you know that? Do you reverse? I certainly do! Argh! Now sit yourself down and don't move! By heck, that were a funny step! That were a new one on me.
Never seen that on "Come Dancing".
Hey up, Crush! What time is it?! I don't know.
Haven't got a watch.
I had a fancy digital and I could tell what time it were in Tokyo, which I found incredibly useful.
It were waterproof to 50 feet, but I tell thee One dose of ferret pee at sea level, and Tokyo ground to a halt! Have a guess what time it is.
Relax! You'll hear the timer! .
.
His first steak and kidney pudding.
I'd never have done it, if I'd known he'd be so broody! Congratulations, Crusher! Tha first steak and kidney pud! I hope it's not always going to be like this.
All this waiting.
If I could just have a peep! Oh, all right! But it won't be ready yet! Wait, Milburn! I don't want you mauling it about! Hey up! It's Grocery Man! What's all this, then? Don't ask me.
"Ladies' Elastic Stocking"? Oh, damn.
I haven't, have I? Three hairnets and a styling comb? Listen, Norman, listen, listen.
Is there something tha feels tha ought to be telling me? Norman, tha knows! If ever tha needs a friend! But not too CLOSE a friend! Your Seymour's being OUT! .
.
really secretive! OUT! What do you want? Can I come in? What is it? We must stop meeting like this! We bought you a big shed.
Now, I'm not keen on sheds.
There's something very underprivileged about sheds.
But you wanted one.
You always have.
So? So we got you a shed.
So? So why burst into my kitchen? I live here! You've always got some glib excuse! We never talk these days.
"These days"? We never HAVE talked! Whose fault is that? I'm always ready to talk.
Oh, yes? What about? Vintage motor cars! And that's it! Vintage motor cars! Be fair! I have wider interests.
I'm also into Veteran and Post Vintage Thoroughbreds.
It's like living with a perpetual breakdown.
Other women have husbands - I've got this RAC patrolman.
Me own live-in mechanic.
Live-in?! I can't even GET in! I've just done the floor! What is it you wanted? I'm wondering what Seymour's hiding.
Oh, you're so nosy and gossipy, you men! Which reminds me, they're all talking about her next-door to Simpsons.
What? What? "Killer Dogs"? HORN HONKS What do you want? I've come to read your meter.
Who are you? It's written all over the van.
I'm not the Huddersfield Girls Choir! I don't like your attitude.
I'm not mad about your killer dogs! Don't worry.
They're round the back finishing off the last caller.
Have you any identification? I'm in uniform.
Isn't that enough? I need a note of the next-of-kin.
Forget it! Hey up! He's got summat brewing! What is it? Has he said anything to you? Not a word.
HORN HONKS By heck! This modern electricity's faster than it used to be! Looks like Seymour made a big impression! He's such a flannel merchant! It's probably nowt.
What's he talked about lately? Paper gloves for eating fish and chips We've had no sign of the heated knife for spreading cold butter.
Non-stick marmalade hasn't surfaced either.
Don't tha think tha's overdoing it? You can't be too careful! I've just had somebody posing as a worker for the Electricity Board.
Well, there's a lot of them about.
He DOES work for the Electricity Board! He lives on Denby Street.
Oh.
If you can vouch for him, fine! Seymour, I don't want to be in breach of the Official Secrets Act, but what have you come up with? What have I come up with? What have I come up with? That's what HE said! What have tha come up with? Every inventor's dream! The right machine at the right price! What machine?! Keep your voice down! Let's go inside.
We may be being watched.
Rendered speechless, are we? Little gasps of admiration, is it? I know.
You feel guilty for misjudging old Seymour.
What in the name of the outside loo is that? Haven't you any idea? Have you no technological grasp? .
.
You tell him! Eh, I'm not sure about the colour.
This is just a rough working prototype! Oh! If it's just a rough working prototype! What's a prototype? It's not important! You got that bit right.
It looks not important.
It's a Go-Anywhere Drill.
Where are you going? Anywhere.
Look at it! What's it do? Drills holes for poles.
Oh.
Not Ukrainians or Latvians? Telephone poles, gate posts, fence posts.
Everywhere you look, people need holes.
Unless they're wearing their own! It'll never work! How can you say that, until you've tried it?! No, no! Seymour.
Yeah? He says there's no engine.
Of course there isn't! He has to pedal it.
That's why it's in range of everyone's pocket.
He says, "Chuffin' heck!" Is he in the saddle? It's hard to see with the screens.
That's what they're for! He says do we need the screens? Of course! You don't think Jaguar go testing their new models without screening them a bit! He says, "A bit? Call this a bit?" Is he ready or not? Yes, he's ready.
He's, um, ready.
I can't ride it like this! But you ARE riding it! Isn't he doing well? Well Yes, you're doing well.
It's an historic moment! Ride it up and down.
Get the feel of it.
Oh, I got the feel of it.
I feel a right pillock.
Tell him he looks rather dashing and mysterious.
Psst.
Seymour says you look rather dashing and mysterious.
Ah, but what does THEE think? Do you value the opinion of a man who buys ladies' elastic stockings? Very good! Isn't he doing well? Howard.
Marina! I got your note.
I'm glad.
I can't stop long.
I know.
I've been sent for two prawn curries and asweet and sour pork! I like their sweet and sour pork.
Howard? Yes, love? Can I ask you something? Anything, pet.
Why does Norman Clegg buy ladies' elastic stockings? Howard? Why are you struggling to break free? Is it something I said? Why have you gone all red? What is it? It's two prawn curries and a sweet and sour pork! Couldn't you get them on the way back? There's always such a queue! Did you see that?! What was it? You're crushing me prawns, love! Bring it over here! The ground's fine for drilling! Hold on.
Right.
Disengage forward propulsion.
Engage drilling mechanism.
Urgh! Now, pedal! Youtwit! It just needs a bit of extra weight.
Yes.
All right, get on.
Me?! Yes! Come on, on you get.
Right.
Pedal! That's it! That's it! It works! At last I'm on to something big! Potential unlimited! We can drill for minerals, fossil fuels.
Oil on the water! Look! There's a film of oil on the top! That means it's round here somewhere! Probably a vast untapped source! Back to the drill! WE'RE going to drill for oil? Certainly! But they use a big Exactly! Think how much more convenient this will be than a damn great rig in the North Sea! He's got a point there, Norm.
Yes, but it's not a very big point! I thought oil was deep.
Well, yes, a lot of it is.
But we're after the finer stuff near the surface.
Let the others go for the dregs! We'll try here.
Why here? Don't argue! I'm not just guessing! I judge things scientifically.
Pedal her in.
Let's have a try.
MUSIC: THEME FROM "DALLAS" That's it! Faster! Stop! Andpedal! RUMBLING UNDERGROUND
Oh, good(!) Don't you want to help? 'Course I do! How CAN you lie like that? I have to.
Wrong answers get me into bother.
Can't tha find a softer brush? There's folk trying to sleep here.
It's time you were up.
I know! Best time of all for a lie-in.
Get dressed! I don't want people thinking I talk to half-naked neighbours.
Wrap a stocking around them bristles, like tha does thee legs.
Don't start talking about me legs! You're always talking about me legs! Not all your legs.
Just that bit what shows.
Did you hear him?! Where do you want this bucket? Oh, that's it! Show some concern! How can you stand there while a man insults me? It's not easy, with a full bucket! Nobody's insulting thee.
There you are.
See? I'd like to see thee in showroom condition.
He'd like to see thee Don't repeat him! Are you a husband or a parrot? Who's a clever boy, then?! It's only me.
Can I come in? Come in, Howard.
I can't stop.
Goodbye, Howard.
Not just yet! If Pearl comes in, we tell her I popped in to borrow something.
What? I don't know.
Do I have to think of everything? It has to be a thing you haven't got, to explain why I haven't got it when she asks me what I've got.
What do you want? You sound like I only come when I want something.
You only come looking guilty when you want something.
Do I look guilty? I do, don't I? Do you think Pearl noticed? She doesn't miss much.
The wives around here are trained to notice.
When southern girls play with dolls, the girls here practise Lie Recognition and Unarmed Wedlock.
That's it.
Go on.
Cheer me up.
Oh, I don't know why I should feel guilty all the time.
Marina? Not so loud! (Marina.
) Even THAT's loud.
Mmm.
I want you to do me a favour, Clegg.
You know I will, as long as I don't get caught between Pearl and Marina.
I wish you'd stop shouting! You've been such a quiet neighbour and suddenly you start shouting! I want you to take this note and give it to Marina.
What?! In the supermarket.
Oh, no! Where's the harm? She's just a young lady who shares my interest in the local stone-age burial sites.
In high heels, Howard? I don't see why archaeology should be dulldo you? It's terrible when you can't trust your own husband! Don't think of it as terrible.
Look at it as a fact of life.
Has yours ever had any interest in the opposite sex? I like to think he was motivated along those lines when he asked me to marry him.
What about other women? Oh, in the early days.
What did you do? I let him buy a 20-year-old clapped-out Sunbeam tourer.
Complete rebuild required.
I've never looked back since! Howard wouldn't fancy a clapped-out old banger.
There are some who say that's just what she looks like.
Wears too much make-up.
True But where's the virtue in looking like you've just had a serious operation? You tell it like it is, don't you, Edie? If it may help, love.
Pearl! Back already? What are you up to? Ipopped in to borrow something.
What? What are you borrowing? Budgie seed.
Superglue.
I hadn't got it Both Neither! What do you want with budgie seed? Iwas going to feed this bluetit.
He looked hungry.
I can't wait to hear about the Superglue! To stick the budgie seed somewhere safe.
Out of reach of cats.
That's it! The cats! You don't think she suspected? Underneath that nervous exterior, you're really an optimist, Howard.
I am.
I really am.
I think I was built for a warmer climate.
Once you get home, it'll get warmer! You don't think she believed the budgie seed? Goodbye, Howard.
You'll not forget the note.
Cross my heart with Superglue.
Seymour? .
.
What's all this then? What d'you mean, who am I? You know who I am! It's Wesley! How am I supposed to prove it on the telephone? Dammit, I'm your brother-in-law! I brought those gears and sprockets you're wanting.
Will I what? Fetch your milk bottle? Cripes! He's even keeping the milkman out! ALARM RINGSSTOPS WHEN IT'S KICKED ALARM RINGS AGAIN ALARM STOPS Of course I'm keeping the milkman out! A milkman's outfit is a perfect cover for stealing secrets! All those leaks in Whitehall.
Moles in high places? Bull! It's the milkman! That's £4.
60.
Bye-bye, now! Hey up, it's a lady's excuse me! Will you leave that poor woman alone?! Honestly! She came in for breakfast and suddenly she'd getting more exercise than Howard and Marina! ARGH! You are very chunky, you know that? Do you reverse? I certainly do! Argh! Now sit yourself down and don't move! By heck, that were a funny step! That were a new one on me.
Never seen that on "Come Dancing".
Hey up, Crush! What time is it?! I don't know.
Haven't got a watch.
I had a fancy digital and I could tell what time it were in Tokyo, which I found incredibly useful.
It were waterproof to 50 feet, but I tell thee One dose of ferret pee at sea level, and Tokyo ground to a halt! Have a guess what time it is.
Relax! You'll hear the timer! .
.
His first steak and kidney pudding.
I'd never have done it, if I'd known he'd be so broody! Congratulations, Crusher! Tha first steak and kidney pud! I hope it's not always going to be like this.
All this waiting.
If I could just have a peep! Oh, all right! But it won't be ready yet! Wait, Milburn! I don't want you mauling it about! Hey up! It's Grocery Man! What's all this, then? Don't ask me.
"Ladies' Elastic Stocking"? Oh, damn.
I haven't, have I? Three hairnets and a styling comb? Listen, Norman, listen, listen.
Is there something tha feels tha ought to be telling me? Norman, tha knows! If ever tha needs a friend! But not too CLOSE a friend! Your Seymour's being OUT! .
.
really secretive! OUT! What do you want? Can I come in? What is it? We must stop meeting like this! We bought you a big shed.
Now, I'm not keen on sheds.
There's something very underprivileged about sheds.
But you wanted one.
You always have.
So? So we got you a shed.
So? So why burst into my kitchen? I live here! You've always got some glib excuse! We never talk these days.
"These days"? We never HAVE talked! Whose fault is that? I'm always ready to talk.
Oh, yes? What about? Vintage motor cars! And that's it! Vintage motor cars! Be fair! I have wider interests.
I'm also into Veteran and Post Vintage Thoroughbreds.
It's like living with a perpetual breakdown.
Other women have husbands - I've got this RAC patrolman.
Me own live-in mechanic.
Live-in?! I can't even GET in! I've just done the floor! What is it you wanted? I'm wondering what Seymour's hiding.
Oh, you're so nosy and gossipy, you men! Which reminds me, they're all talking about her next-door to Simpsons.
What? What? "Killer Dogs"? HORN HONKS What do you want? I've come to read your meter.
Who are you? It's written all over the van.
I'm not the Huddersfield Girls Choir! I don't like your attitude.
I'm not mad about your killer dogs! Don't worry.
They're round the back finishing off the last caller.
Have you any identification? I'm in uniform.
Isn't that enough? I need a note of the next-of-kin.
Forget it! Hey up! He's got summat brewing! What is it? Has he said anything to you? Not a word.
HORN HONKS By heck! This modern electricity's faster than it used to be! Looks like Seymour made a big impression! He's such a flannel merchant! It's probably nowt.
What's he talked about lately? Paper gloves for eating fish and chips We've had no sign of the heated knife for spreading cold butter.
Non-stick marmalade hasn't surfaced either.
Don't tha think tha's overdoing it? You can't be too careful! I've just had somebody posing as a worker for the Electricity Board.
Well, there's a lot of them about.
He DOES work for the Electricity Board! He lives on Denby Street.
Oh.
If you can vouch for him, fine! Seymour, I don't want to be in breach of the Official Secrets Act, but what have you come up with? What have I come up with? What have I come up with? That's what HE said! What have tha come up with? Every inventor's dream! The right machine at the right price! What machine?! Keep your voice down! Let's go inside.
We may be being watched.
Rendered speechless, are we? Little gasps of admiration, is it? I know.
You feel guilty for misjudging old Seymour.
What in the name of the outside loo is that? Haven't you any idea? Have you no technological grasp? .
.
You tell him! Eh, I'm not sure about the colour.
This is just a rough working prototype! Oh! If it's just a rough working prototype! What's a prototype? It's not important! You got that bit right.
It looks not important.
It's a Go-Anywhere Drill.
Where are you going? Anywhere.
Look at it! What's it do? Drills holes for poles.
Oh.
Not Ukrainians or Latvians? Telephone poles, gate posts, fence posts.
Everywhere you look, people need holes.
Unless they're wearing their own! It'll never work! How can you say that, until you've tried it?! No, no! Seymour.
Yeah? He says there's no engine.
Of course there isn't! He has to pedal it.
That's why it's in range of everyone's pocket.
He says, "Chuffin' heck!" Is he in the saddle? It's hard to see with the screens.
That's what they're for! He says do we need the screens? Of course! You don't think Jaguar go testing their new models without screening them a bit! He says, "A bit? Call this a bit?" Is he ready or not? Yes, he's ready.
He's, um, ready.
I can't ride it like this! But you ARE riding it! Isn't he doing well? Well Yes, you're doing well.
It's an historic moment! Ride it up and down.
Get the feel of it.
Oh, I got the feel of it.
I feel a right pillock.
Tell him he looks rather dashing and mysterious.
Psst.
Seymour says you look rather dashing and mysterious.
Ah, but what does THEE think? Do you value the opinion of a man who buys ladies' elastic stockings? Very good! Isn't he doing well? Howard.
Marina! I got your note.
I'm glad.
I can't stop long.
I know.
I've been sent for two prawn curries and asweet and sour pork! I like their sweet and sour pork.
Howard? Yes, love? Can I ask you something? Anything, pet.
Why does Norman Clegg buy ladies' elastic stockings? Howard? Why are you struggling to break free? Is it something I said? Why have you gone all red? What is it? It's two prawn curries and a sweet and sour pork! Couldn't you get them on the way back? There's always such a queue! Did you see that?! What was it? You're crushing me prawns, love! Bring it over here! The ground's fine for drilling! Hold on.
Right.
Disengage forward propulsion.
Engage drilling mechanism.
Urgh! Now, pedal! Youtwit! It just needs a bit of extra weight.
Yes.
All right, get on.
Me?! Yes! Come on, on you get.
Right.
Pedal! That's it! That's it! It works! At last I'm on to something big! Potential unlimited! We can drill for minerals, fossil fuels.
Oil on the water! Look! There's a film of oil on the top! That means it's round here somewhere! Probably a vast untapped source! Back to the drill! WE'RE going to drill for oil? Certainly! But they use a big Exactly! Think how much more convenient this will be than a damn great rig in the North Sea! He's got a point there, Norm.
Yes, but it's not a very big point! I thought oil was deep.
Well, yes, a lot of it is.
But we're after the finer stuff near the surface.
Let the others go for the dregs! We'll try here.
Why here? Don't argue! I'm not just guessing! I judge things scientifically.
Pedal her in.
Let's have a try.
MUSIC: THEME FROM "DALLAS" That's it! Faster! Stop! Andpedal! RUMBLING UNDERGROUND