Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s09e05 Episode Script
LLC1653L - Who's Feeling Ejected Then?
TWANG OF COILED SPRING WOOAAAHHHHH ! Not again! Yes, of course, again.
You're doing SPLENDIDLY ! Tell him, Clegg, he's doing splendidly.
Er SEYMOUR thinks you're doing splendidly.
I'm not doing splendidly.
I keep falling on me bum! That's what I'm doing! DOIN-N-N-N-G ! Ohhh ! You see? SPLENDIDLY ! My, YOU'RE lookin' well (!) Let's 'ave a cup of hot, sweet tea, luv.
Hey! Come in, why don't you? (!) What d'you think you're bringing in? I don't want your junk in here! Madam, this is NOT 'junk'.
It's a damn good imitation.
Take it out! Where are you going? You heard her.
She doesn't understand.
She sounds pretty confident to me.
Get it out! That's it, tell 'em! Madam, let me explain OUT ! Flaming cheek! He'll be bringing his own sandwiches next (!) Yeah.
Mr Utterthwaite's out 'ere with a seat.
Tell 'im we've got one! No-o-o! It's a motor vehicle seat.
It's got all bits hangin' off it.
Has he been in an accident? No, but he's workin' at it (!) 'Ow do, Mr Simonite? Hello, little Crushie! How's it goin'? Alright.
Be better once I'm used to wearing this frock.
It's an OVERALL ! Well, it LOOKS like a frock.
Milburn, just bring your box round 'ere.
I wouldn't have had all them tattoos if I'd known I'd end up in a frock! CRASH ! Must be nice to have a strong lad about the place.
Yeah.
I think I'm overdoing it.
Who expects a place this size to have its own nuclear deterrent?! Could I just leave? NO ! She's being totally unreasonable.
You stay here and guard the seat.
Me? I'll have refreshments sent out to you.
Why me? Well, who else would I have it sent out to? What's all them springs and things on t'bottom? I'm not supposed to tell anybody .
.
but it's the elecric chair.
How did you get hold of it? With very thick rubber gloves.
It's the electric chair! Looks comfy.
The way they are with prisoners today, they probably put cushions on it (!) Take this OUT to Clegg.
And don't come back without the money for it! You're just an old softy, Seymour.
CLEGG ! Why've you left your post? No-one'll pinch it, the crowd's too big.
God! It's still on the secrets list! Ta.
Ah! That'll be 20p, please.
EXPLOSION LIKE GUN-FIRE I haven't legally registered it as my invention yet.
I can't let too many people see it.
Just like a pullover my wife once knit me (!) I wish I'd never seen it.
I'm right teed off lugging it about.
Relax, little fiery person.
I'm going to get Wesley to give us a lift.
ANOTHER EXPLOSION Unless someone's just shot him (!) Car coming.
Quick! Put it DOWN ! DOWN ! Stand in front! Look casual, look casual! Wesley! What is it? Where are you? Underneath.
Who wants me? It's Seymour.
Aw (!) Right.
Bring it in, out of sight.
I hate raising my arms like this.
My vest starts behaving unilaterally! Careful ! Hey, Wesley! Tha's got a damn great hole in this garage.
What? I tell a lie It's Seymour's mouth! What would life be, without the coarse repartee of the lower orders? Is that Compo and Cleggie? I can see some feet.
Say hello to Wesley, feet.
Wesley, is this place secure? Well, it won't fall down! I mean, can we TALK? You mean, YOU talk and ME listen! He's not too bright, but he's good with his hands.
He weighed YOU up! Wesley, what I'm about to reveal to you is STRICTLY confidential.
There must be NO breach of security.
I hate not knowing EXACTLY where my vest is! I know where Nora Batty keeps HER old vests.
I don't think we wish to know that.
She uses them for dusters! And her DUSTERS are still whiter than my VESTS.
Will you pay attention, you two? I may ask you questions later.
Wesley, you are my? You're my brother-in-law.
I can tell YOU.
But there mustn't be a breach in security.
I'm on to something BIG this time! My God, the years I've worked for this! I've ploughed a lonely furrow.
Utterthwaite against a sceptical world.
I always knew life would be unfair.
Ever since that Christmas Day when it broke my new train set.
Of course they swore it was me But now I can beat the world, Wesley.
But I'll need your socket set.
You lucky devil.
You'll be in at the birth of the world's first .
.
automobile ejector seat! Have you finished with that spanner, Mr Pegdon? Barry! You heard! What's HE doing here? It's HIS car! How would you rate the lad, character-wise? Stand for the National Anthem, does he? Ever wanted to visit Bulgaria? Married my daughter, didn't he? Your niece.
He's your nephew, by marriage.
Yes.
A good lad.
Probably can't see much through those glasses, anyway.
Watch your elbows! He's got runaway elbows.
Mind my hat.
'Specially as my head's in it! It's no good.
You've got to get out.
Why me? Because I've got an idea.
That's what I do.
I'm an ideas man.
HE gets ideas, I'VE got to get out! HE gets ideas, I'VE got to get out! That's probaby not a bad idea.
Let's toss for it.
Life's not a gamble.
It IS up 'ere! Rubbish! You're strapped in.
Barry's a very steady driver.
All my life, people have had me spotted as a steady driver.
(I don't think this is a good time to make a change, Barry.
) Right.
Right.
I'll never change.
Stop fussing! What have we got here? Words like 'barm-pot' spring to mind.
Tell him, Norm, not to take advantage of me being as thick as a brick.
It's the ingratitude that's worst.
You rescue him from overcrowding, find him the best seat in the place with shoals of leg room, you Never mind the flannel.
Is it SAFE ? Do I look worried? BIRDS SINGING IN TREES I'm sorry I wasn't able to show you the caterpillar of the wood-moth.
It WAS a disappointment (!) I felt sure that as soon as we got amongst the trees, I'd be able to put my hand straight onto one.
It wouldn't have come as any surprise to me.
You know what the trouble is? It's my age, isn't it? It's not! It's because I'm in my late thirties .
.
MID-thirties.
You look at me, you look at the wet grass .
.
and all you think about is rheumatism.
Or is he shy? Are - you - shy-iy? Do you sometimes wish I'd take the initiative, Howard? You want to cycle in FRONT ! Some day, I'm going to BITE your ear, Howard! What I was GOING to say was you know what the trouble with the world is? What's the trouble with the world, Howard? It wouldn't really believe we came here to look for the caterpillar of the wood-moth.
I know JUST how it feels! WOOAAAHHHH ! OOOHH ! AAGHHH ! A mid-upper turret! I haven't seen one since the war! OH, OH, OHHH ! EEEEHH, EEEEHH, AAAAHHH ! OOOOHH, URGHHH ! WOOAAAHHH ! Ah! Just listen to those birds! And people say they haven't time to be sensitive.
They must MAKE time.
What a way to enjoy the country! HE had the best seat.
We were just saying, YOU had the Where is he? Why ask me? Am I supposed to be responsible for his whereabouts? You must've lost him on the way.
Why presume I'VE lost him? We've ALL lost him! I wasn't driving too fast.
I'm a steady driver.
Ask anyone.
Low bridges.
Did we pass under any low bridges? Ow! Ooh! Aghh! Put it in the workshop, Wesley.
You - damned - lot! I'm I'm I'm telling thee Relax.
Relax.
It's all over now.
Ay, all over the flaming roof.
You did well.
We're SO proud of you.
Tell him how proud we are.
We're very proud of you.
I must be stupid.
Yes, but we're very proud Don't just stand there.
Get him a chair.
The ace wants a chair.
No! Not one of them there! No, not one of them there! Ah, that's it! That's the finish.
No, that's the end.
And listen, Seymour .
.
in future find yourself ANOTHER dozy twit to do your dirty work! Let's be fair.
They're not ALL that easy to find! Dozy twits? Ha! That's not MY impression.
Ow! Not dozy twits! I'm talking about test pilots Fearless, resolute spirits, who LAUGH at danger.
Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha! Ha, bloody ha! Forget it.
I'm finished! Don't SAY that! My God, Clegg, don't let him waste his talents.
Me? Tha' can, tha' can, Cleggie.
Take no notice.
Not THAT man can't.
There's nobody better than me at wasting their natural talents.
I can't allow it.
Not when I see how marvellously you handle these assignments.
You never saw anything! I'm yelling me clacker off, and nobody's listening.
I object.
We WERE listening, to Barry's radio.
That's nice, Norman.
Really nice! We had confidence in you.
I didn't (!) He'll be fine, I said.
He's got aptitude.
I've also had measles.
Forget it! Very well, then.
Go ahead.
Resign.
Throw it all away.
See if I care.
Throw WHAT all away? Your career.
Just as I'd decided to promote you.
Promote me? To what? Executive in charge of testing.
You don't want to be made executive? Very well, I've done all I can.
Ha, ha, hey! "Executive in charge of testing"! CRANKING SOUND OOOHHHH ! Hey, hey! "Executive in charge of testing"! He's doing splendidly.
I were doing about 30 mile an hour, then WALLOP ! Some HEAVY wallop! Listen, Mary .
.
find me something soft to fall on! Say no more! If my chief tester wants something soft to fall on, he shall have it! Norm! Norm! I calculate it to be just about here.
Rubbish.
We want to be up 'ere.
I was happier tinkering with my car.
At my age there's something deeply uninteresting about a mattress! We want to be here! We want to be up here! No! We should be here! DOIN-N-N-G-G AAGHHH ! SPLAT ! No.
Thee should be down there! I've never seen such a daft pair of nutters as you! I shall equip you with protective clothing, and DAMN the expense! I'm not going up again! I thought YOUR problem was coming DOWN ! I'll get you something better than those old springs.
Oh, good! I'm going to try a small EXPLOSIVE charge.
Oh, not so good! Nothing tremendous.
Just a few ingredients from my chemistry set.
Then we'll try a MOVING vehicle! Moving vehicle?! Lucky old you (!) Moving? Tha' can't catch me when it's standing still ! Butterfingers! I'm not doing it! I was thinking of inviting a few spectators for the historic moment.
Someone should witness this man's .
.
stupidity? .
.
dedicated courage and bravery.
I'm not doing it! I WAS thinking of inviting Wally, and perhaps, Nora Batty? I'm DOING it! Ow! Ooooh! Ow! NO ! NO ! NO ! But they're testing the ejector seat! Milburn, these are WORKING hours.
One of the penalties of being in catering is it leaves you no time for going out playing with the local loonies during business hours! Loonies of THEIR calibre will still be available long after closing time.
Now get on with the cleaning! Milburn! Keep hoovering! I can HEAR you hoovering.
Going somewhere, Milburn? SUCKING SOUND ENGINE SPLUTTERS AND CHOKES What are you taking me down country lanes for? Well, it's not for nothing special ! It's just that Seymour's running a test.
A test (?) They're always worth watching, are Seymour's tests.
Hello, Wally.
Hello, Barry.
Has it not got a lid on it? What good's a car without a lid on it? Seymour says it could save hundreds of lives! Starting with his own (!) It's ME that's driving.
Who's going? Whatever have they done to him? Stuffed him with foam rubber.
People have waited years to do that! Nora! Ugh! He looks like a fat caterpillar! Give us a kiss, Nora.
And I'll turn into a butterfly! Right.
All set to go! ATTEMPTS TO START ENGINE ENGINE FIRES Right! Stand by Go! Now! BANG ! CRASH ! Ha! Nora! I did it for thee! Oh! Come on!
You're doing SPLENDIDLY ! Tell him, Clegg, he's doing splendidly.
Er SEYMOUR thinks you're doing splendidly.
I'm not doing splendidly.
I keep falling on me bum! That's what I'm doing! DOIN-N-N-N-G ! Ohhh ! You see? SPLENDIDLY ! My, YOU'RE lookin' well (!) Let's 'ave a cup of hot, sweet tea, luv.
Hey! Come in, why don't you? (!) What d'you think you're bringing in? I don't want your junk in here! Madam, this is NOT 'junk'.
It's a damn good imitation.
Take it out! Where are you going? You heard her.
She doesn't understand.
She sounds pretty confident to me.
Get it out! That's it, tell 'em! Madam, let me explain OUT ! Flaming cheek! He'll be bringing his own sandwiches next (!) Yeah.
Mr Utterthwaite's out 'ere with a seat.
Tell 'im we've got one! No-o-o! It's a motor vehicle seat.
It's got all bits hangin' off it.
Has he been in an accident? No, but he's workin' at it (!) 'Ow do, Mr Simonite? Hello, little Crushie! How's it goin'? Alright.
Be better once I'm used to wearing this frock.
It's an OVERALL ! Well, it LOOKS like a frock.
Milburn, just bring your box round 'ere.
I wouldn't have had all them tattoos if I'd known I'd end up in a frock! CRASH ! Must be nice to have a strong lad about the place.
Yeah.
I think I'm overdoing it.
Who expects a place this size to have its own nuclear deterrent?! Could I just leave? NO ! She's being totally unreasonable.
You stay here and guard the seat.
Me? I'll have refreshments sent out to you.
Why me? Well, who else would I have it sent out to? What's all them springs and things on t'bottom? I'm not supposed to tell anybody .
.
but it's the elecric chair.
How did you get hold of it? With very thick rubber gloves.
It's the electric chair! Looks comfy.
The way they are with prisoners today, they probably put cushions on it (!) Take this OUT to Clegg.
And don't come back without the money for it! You're just an old softy, Seymour.
CLEGG ! Why've you left your post? No-one'll pinch it, the crowd's too big.
God! It's still on the secrets list! Ta.
Ah! That'll be 20p, please.
EXPLOSION LIKE GUN-FIRE I haven't legally registered it as my invention yet.
I can't let too many people see it.
Just like a pullover my wife once knit me (!) I wish I'd never seen it.
I'm right teed off lugging it about.
Relax, little fiery person.
I'm going to get Wesley to give us a lift.
ANOTHER EXPLOSION Unless someone's just shot him (!) Car coming.
Quick! Put it DOWN ! DOWN ! Stand in front! Look casual, look casual! Wesley! What is it? Where are you? Underneath.
Who wants me? It's Seymour.
Aw (!) Right.
Bring it in, out of sight.
I hate raising my arms like this.
My vest starts behaving unilaterally! Careful ! Hey, Wesley! Tha's got a damn great hole in this garage.
What? I tell a lie It's Seymour's mouth! What would life be, without the coarse repartee of the lower orders? Is that Compo and Cleggie? I can see some feet.
Say hello to Wesley, feet.
Wesley, is this place secure? Well, it won't fall down! I mean, can we TALK? You mean, YOU talk and ME listen! He's not too bright, but he's good with his hands.
He weighed YOU up! Wesley, what I'm about to reveal to you is STRICTLY confidential.
There must be NO breach of security.
I hate not knowing EXACTLY where my vest is! I know where Nora Batty keeps HER old vests.
I don't think we wish to know that.
She uses them for dusters! And her DUSTERS are still whiter than my VESTS.
Will you pay attention, you two? I may ask you questions later.
Wesley, you are my? You're my brother-in-law.
I can tell YOU.
But there mustn't be a breach in security.
I'm on to something BIG this time! My God, the years I've worked for this! I've ploughed a lonely furrow.
Utterthwaite against a sceptical world.
I always knew life would be unfair.
Ever since that Christmas Day when it broke my new train set.
Of course they swore it was me But now I can beat the world, Wesley.
But I'll need your socket set.
You lucky devil.
You'll be in at the birth of the world's first .
.
automobile ejector seat! Have you finished with that spanner, Mr Pegdon? Barry! You heard! What's HE doing here? It's HIS car! How would you rate the lad, character-wise? Stand for the National Anthem, does he? Ever wanted to visit Bulgaria? Married my daughter, didn't he? Your niece.
He's your nephew, by marriage.
Yes.
A good lad.
Probably can't see much through those glasses, anyway.
Watch your elbows! He's got runaway elbows.
Mind my hat.
'Specially as my head's in it! It's no good.
You've got to get out.
Why me? Because I've got an idea.
That's what I do.
I'm an ideas man.
HE gets ideas, I'VE got to get out! HE gets ideas, I'VE got to get out! That's probaby not a bad idea.
Let's toss for it.
Life's not a gamble.
It IS up 'ere! Rubbish! You're strapped in.
Barry's a very steady driver.
All my life, people have had me spotted as a steady driver.
(I don't think this is a good time to make a change, Barry.
) Right.
Right.
I'll never change.
Stop fussing! What have we got here? Words like 'barm-pot' spring to mind.
Tell him, Norm, not to take advantage of me being as thick as a brick.
It's the ingratitude that's worst.
You rescue him from overcrowding, find him the best seat in the place with shoals of leg room, you Never mind the flannel.
Is it SAFE ? Do I look worried? BIRDS SINGING IN TREES I'm sorry I wasn't able to show you the caterpillar of the wood-moth.
It WAS a disappointment (!) I felt sure that as soon as we got amongst the trees, I'd be able to put my hand straight onto one.
It wouldn't have come as any surprise to me.
You know what the trouble is? It's my age, isn't it? It's not! It's because I'm in my late thirties .
.
MID-thirties.
You look at me, you look at the wet grass .
.
and all you think about is rheumatism.
Or is he shy? Are - you - shy-iy? Do you sometimes wish I'd take the initiative, Howard? You want to cycle in FRONT ! Some day, I'm going to BITE your ear, Howard! What I was GOING to say was you know what the trouble with the world is? What's the trouble with the world, Howard? It wouldn't really believe we came here to look for the caterpillar of the wood-moth.
I know JUST how it feels! WOOAAAHHHH ! OOOHH ! AAGHHH ! A mid-upper turret! I haven't seen one since the war! OH, OH, OHHH ! EEEEHH, EEEEHH, AAAAHHH ! OOOOHH, URGHHH ! WOOAAAHHH ! Ah! Just listen to those birds! And people say they haven't time to be sensitive.
They must MAKE time.
What a way to enjoy the country! HE had the best seat.
We were just saying, YOU had the Where is he? Why ask me? Am I supposed to be responsible for his whereabouts? You must've lost him on the way.
Why presume I'VE lost him? We've ALL lost him! I wasn't driving too fast.
I'm a steady driver.
Ask anyone.
Low bridges.
Did we pass under any low bridges? Ow! Ooh! Aghh! Put it in the workshop, Wesley.
You - damned - lot! I'm I'm I'm telling thee Relax.
Relax.
It's all over now.
Ay, all over the flaming roof.
You did well.
We're SO proud of you.
Tell him how proud we are.
We're very proud of you.
I must be stupid.
Yes, but we're very proud Don't just stand there.
Get him a chair.
The ace wants a chair.
No! Not one of them there! No, not one of them there! Ah, that's it! That's the finish.
No, that's the end.
And listen, Seymour .
.
in future find yourself ANOTHER dozy twit to do your dirty work! Let's be fair.
They're not ALL that easy to find! Dozy twits? Ha! That's not MY impression.
Ow! Not dozy twits! I'm talking about test pilots Fearless, resolute spirits, who LAUGH at danger.
Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha! Ha, bloody ha! Forget it.
I'm finished! Don't SAY that! My God, Clegg, don't let him waste his talents.
Me? Tha' can, tha' can, Cleggie.
Take no notice.
Not THAT man can't.
There's nobody better than me at wasting their natural talents.
I can't allow it.
Not when I see how marvellously you handle these assignments.
You never saw anything! I'm yelling me clacker off, and nobody's listening.
I object.
We WERE listening, to Barry's radio.
That's nice, Norman.
Really nice! We had confidence in you.
I didn't (!) He'll be fine, I said.
He's got aptitude.
I've also had measles.
Forget it! Very well, then.
Go ahead.
Resign.
Throw it all away.
See if I care.
Throw WHAT all away? Your career.
Just as I'd decided to promote you.
Promote me? To what? Executive in charge of testing.
You don't want to be made executive? Very well, I've done all I can.
Ha, ha, hey! "Executive in charge of testing"! CRANKING SOUND OOOHHHH ! Hey, hey! "Executive in charge of testing"! He's doing splendidly.
I were doing about 30 mile an hour, then WALLOP ! Some HEAVY wallop! Listen, Mary .
.
find me something soft to fall on! Say no more! If my chief tester wants something soft to fall on, he shall have it! Norm! Norm! I calculate it to be just about here.
Rubbish.
We want to be up 'ere.
I was happier tinkering with my car.
At my age there's something deeply uninteresting about a mattress! We want to be here! We want to be up here! No! We should be here! DOIN-N-N-G-G AAGHHH ! SPLAT ! No.
Thee should be down there! I've never seen such a daft pair of nutters as you! I shall equip you with protective clothing, and DAMN the expense! I'm not going up again! I thought YOUR problem was coming DOWN ! I'll get you something better than those old springs.
Oh, good! I'm going to try a small EXPLOSIVE charge.
Oh, not so good! Nothing tremendous.
Just a few ingredients from my chemistry set.
Then we'll try a MOVING vehicle! Moving vehicle?! Lucky old you (!) Moving? Tha' can't catch me when it's standing still ! Butterfingers! I'm not doing it! I was thinking of inviting a few spectators for the historic moment.
Someone should witness this man's .
.
stupidity? .
.
dedicated courage and bravery.
I'm not doing it! I WAS thinking of inviting Wally, and perhaps, Nora Batty? I'm DOING it! Ow! Ooooh! Ow! NO ! NO ! NO ! But they're testing the ejector seat! Milburn, these are WORKING hours.
One of the penalties of being in catering is it leaves you no time for going out playing with the local loonies during business hours! Loonies of THEIR calibre will still be available long after closing time.
Now get on with the cleaning! Milburn! Keep hoovering! I can HEAR you hoovering.
Going somewhere, Milburn? SUCKING SOUND ENGINE SPLUTTERS AND CHOKES What are you taking me down country lanes for? Well, it's not for nothing special ! It's just that Seymour's running a test.
A test (?) They're always worth watching, are Seymour's tests.
Hello, Wally.
Hello, Barry.
Has it not got a lid on it? What good's a car without a lid on it? Seymour says it could save hundreds of lives! Starting with his own (!) It's ME that's driving.
Who's going? Whatever have they done to him? Stuffed him with foam rubber.
People have waited years to do that! Nora! Ugh! He looks like a fat caterpillar! Give us a kiss, Nora.
And I'll turn into a butterfly! Right.
All set to go! ATTEMPTS TO START ENGINE ENGINE FIRES Right! Stand by Go! Now! BANG ! CRASH ! Ha! Nora! I did it for thee! Oh! Come on!