Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s09e10 Episode Script

I wonder why fish are slimy? I don't think it's going to be a problem up here Do you? I just wondered.
Chips can be pretty greasy too.
I'm talking about LIVE fish, you wally! Oh.
It's in their glands.
It's a question of natural secretions.
Do you understand that? I understand that.
I'm not thick.
Can you repeat it? You're in with a chance for your Merit Badge here.
It's in their glands.
Good.
It's also a question of "natural secretions".
Excellent! But why are they slimy? Are you sure you want to go on with this? Your dad says I'm getting better.
He daren't say anything else.
I'm sure I don't follow that.
There's no shame admitting defeat at your time of life.
Driving's for young people.
At MY time of life?! If I can learn to bake in a microwave, I can learn to handle a motor vehicle.
You're the wrong age.
Shut up about age! You've failed your test 7 times.
That car does something stupid EVERY time! Here we go again then.
Now don't YOU start.
All you have to do is be bossy.
Is she working? She's running sweet as a nut.
What kind of a MOOD is she in? They don't HAVE moods, Edie.
Don't say they don't have moods.
She was like a lunatic last time! You ought to let someone younger go with her.
I WAS younger when we started.
- You've been moving things round! - I haven't! - Didn't this used to be over here? - NO! Oh! It's such a treat riding on that carrier! I'm glad that's over.
I was getting a really efficient cramp.
A real calf crippler.
Smiley Ogden suffered the cramp.
Still used to smile though, did he? Nobody smiles with cramp.
Cramp's only funny to spectators Like ballet.
You feel such a muffin - hopping up and down saying "Ooh, aah, eeh".
It takes the pomp out of any circumstance.
Imagine Black Rod banging on Parliament's door.
"Come in!" somebody shouts.
And in he goes hopping up and down, "Ooh, aah, eeh!" Smiley didn't go like that.
Smiley goes "Oh, oh.
Oh-oh-oh!" It's the international language of cramp.
There are visionaries who see it replacing Esperanto.
I've seen Smiley playing darts .
.
Going "Ooh, aah, eeh.
" No, he doesn't go like THAT! He goes, "Ah-ah-ah, oh-oh-oh!" Arrows flying every which way.
Then the barmaid rubs his leg and before you know it, BOTH darts teams are going, "Ooh, ow, ow, ooh!" No fools your competitive dartists.
He used to go outside to scream in comfort.
The landlord banned him for scaring the customers.
Which pub was that? The Seven Shepherds.
If anyone frightens the customers there, it's the LANDLORD! He does it quieter.
He overcharges and practises for Mr Misery-guts of the Year.
Practises? Isn't he perfect?! How's your cramp? Getting better, but I can't move any quicker.
PARP-PARP! You see! It's going too fast again! IVY: Don't tell me! I know! Her hair's getting thin.
I thought so too, when I saw her in the paper shop.
She has it all puffed up.
I thought, "You're getting thin!" See her from behind, she looks like a badly-washed glove puppet.
And HE left his wife for her.
Ooh, he's bent nearly double with his back.
Every time I see him his face gets nearer the floor.
He can hardly shout "House" at bingo.
You still see 'em both arm-in-arm but I expect if she didn't he'd fall flat on his Woodbine.
They were such a glamorous couple you wanted her HUSBAND to see them.
But she doesn't look like The Other Woman any more.
She looks like any other woman.
With thinning hair.
You'd never know what she'd been if she didn't wear them lovely shoes.
Foreign.
Italian.
Is there any sense in it? Well, if her hair's thinning and he's bent double, she might just as well spend on her feet.
^ Has he got a stiff neck? He's going the right way to get one! I wasn't listening.
I was tightening this leg.
I was TOLD to tighten this leg.
Yes, but I didn't intend you to devote your life to it! It's a wobbly leg.
They're not easy - wobbly legs.
There's a couple here aren't easy.
LOOK at them! Ugh! Like a couple of Chinese lanterns! Listen to Hardy Amies here(!) Don't you talk about me legs! Good morning! Keep them under control.
OhNora! Nora! Run away with me and we'll get thee legs mended! Get him off! Come on! Out! Sit down and STAY down!! What splendid faces those two have for displaying frowns.
Yorkshire female mysticism.
"Scowl Your Way Through to the Truth at the Heart of Things.
" How do, Crush? Hello, Mr Simmonite.
I'm mending a wobbly leg.
You're too young for a wobbly leg! Don't confuse him! The last thing he needs is a direct line to some other idiot! Now then.
What do you want? SNIFFS Hey up! She's writing it down! Just like a PROPER waitress! I wish I had proper CUSTOMERS!! A cup of your delicious tea, Ivy.
One tea.
Creeper! And make that two creepers.
A sticky bun and a cuppa tea and ask that delicious creature if she'd like to join us He doesn't really mean that! I'm sorry to hear about the driving lessons, Wesley.
WesleyI know that these are just empty words at the moment but Time is a Great Healer.
You just have to believe that there is a better world waiting when Edie passes her driving test.
Oh, Barry, I daren't look.
Is me mam alright? "Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.
" She seems to be praying.
I'm NOT praying.
I'm learning the Highway Code.
Where's my dad? Gone for a cup of tea.
No sooner do we get started than he's itching for a cup of tea.
POSH: 'Morning, Mrs Humphries! Quite a nice day! I hope she didn't hear you shouting about me praying in the street.
You looked like you were.
QUIET! I've always been a good Christian, but you'll never catch me praying in the street.
It's very Low Church is praying in the street.
It's classroom shock.
Very common.
Teaching's not for everyone.
How many times has she failed her test? Six or seven.
I passed first time.
You and a fat examiner in a car like a sardine tin.
He didn't want that experience again! It's a great little car! It's French! You'd get no decent woman in if it's French! It's passed its MOT.
It's past its best, an' all! Wesley! I can't get through.
He must be engaged.
WES-LEY!! You shouldn't wake 'em suddenly! That's sleep-walking! It looks very similar to me.
I doubt anyone sleeps when Edie's driving! I had a bird once, she used to sleep-walkaround pubs.
You live life to the full, don't you? I do, Norm! I do, I do! This is the appalling state the amateur gets in when he tries his hand at teaching.
No, no, no! What you've got here is a plain case of marriage fatigue.
It's nearly as bad as cramp.
Teachers are BORN not made.
Still you get muffins thinking they can teach.
Here's the result.
He's still got his natural colour.
What colour is 'terrified'? Dad? Why don't you let somebody else teach her? About time! Let Barry take her for a while.
They're making ALL the wrong moves.
They'll realise eventually.
She needs an EXPERIENCED teacher.
He's BUSTING to put his oar in! Look at him! He can't wait to start interfering! No! A professional desire to see the job done properly.
It sounds like interfering.
A job description of interfering.
That's what they said to NOAH when he told his neighbours to start boat-building.
"Stop interfering," they said.
He must have had a struggle later - trying to hide his smug expression.
She needs a firmer hand.
Did you see his EYES? Barry isn't firm enough with her.
Ooh, he'll play hell with Glenda! His eyes were OPEN! You've got to admire him for that under the circumstances.
It offends my professional skills to see my sister with AMATEURS.
They don't like it much either! I thought they would have asked me by now.
Do I have to make the first move? At the risk of interfering? Relax, Seymour.
Nobody'll ask thee.
Tha's not got a driving licence! Don't worry about bits of paper! I've a cousin in Barnsley with a grandson who's got TEN O-levels.
How's that for bits of paper? All he wants to do is wear a ring in his nose and dye his hair pink.
What's he want to be - a parrot? Mind you, they did christen him Wayne.
They set him off to the worst possible start.
When people were called Herbert, it helped enormously to keep them steady in a ridiculous world.
Or Fred.
There's another good one.
It takes some going noddy with a name like that.
Seymour Oh, ho ho! Now tha's really in trouble! You think I'm bereft of all my teaching skills because I haven't a driving licence? A learner has to be with a QUALIFIED driver.
We'll GET a qualified driver to come with us! What do you mean "we"?! Not to worry, Norm! Who's going to volunteer to be a qualified driver? Stop getting under me feet! Find something to do! It wasn't anything personal.
I've never heard a motor-car whimper before.
I just thought fresh blood No, forget I ever said that.
I've heard a gear-box scream but I've never heard one whimper.
Would you like a chocolate eclair? Unless it was ME Anyway, is me mam getting any better? So you're not going again, Barry? I'm not going again! Why did you send ME?! It's not easy being torn between me dad and you.
It's not easy tearing between two lorries on Stackpool Street! She didn't! I had to close me eyes after that! I always think how attractive you look with your eyes closed.
You know I'd do anything for you except teach your mother to drive! Honest, Brenda! The name's GLENDA, Barry.
It's ALWAYS been Glenda.
You're a STRANGER, Barry.
You won't eat your eclair and you're calling me Brenda! And there you are with thousands of miles of road experience.
On a motorbike.
But you have a full driving licence.
Oh, aye.
That's great, Wally! But I can't drive THIS.
But that's the beauty of it! YOU don't have to! Edith will drive.
Listen to what Seymour says, Wally.
He's VERY highly-qualified.
All you have to do is sit in the front passenger seat.
Edith will drive, but I'LL be in charge.
Oh, THERE'S a surprise(!) Wesley's just neutral in all this.
It's no skin off MY nose.
Just sit in the passenger seat? Yes! Oh well, I can do that! Great, Wally! Smashing! Bit excitable.
No skin off HIS nose.
Is he part Italian? With a name like Wesley Pegden?! Maybe it's a disguise.
Try calling Luigi.
He might answer to that.
Can someone give me a hand? Looks as if he's already got one! Come on Stop being a Luigi! I've suddenly realised how much I owe my brother-in-law.
True! Tremendous grip, your labouring classes.
There've been times when I thought he was a pillock! They'll come back.
Off the top of my head, I'd say quite soon! How long are you staying out there? Are you sulking?! If you are, two can play that game! Your mother always said you sulked.
She said I'd never get shirt sleeves to fit you and you sulked.
Have you any idea how undignified it looks - sulking at your age? Especially in baggy shirt sleeves.
Well, see if I care! Are you watching, Wesley Pegden? Our Seymour's nice manners.
I'm watching! I'm watching! What a pleasure it is not to be involved! There's plenty of room in the back.
Tha'll have enough on tha plate, Seymour.
Just got the wall warm.
Please yourselves! .
.
Wesley? What? Have you left it so it doesn't go so fast? That's up to YOU! You must think I'm STUPID! He tells me that every time.
Relax, Edith, I shall see you through! Wally looks cheerful.
Poor demented soul.
He likes a break from his domestic routine.
Right, start the engine.
Start the engine.
ENGINE STARTS Clutch down.
Clutch down.
Into first gear.
Into first gear CRUNCH! Check in mirror.
Check in mirror.
Handbrake off, clutch out and gently accelerate.
Handbrake off, clutch out, and gently accelerate REVS LOUDLY Sometimes she does that.
Sometimes she does THAT.
Oh I bet the driving examiners draw lots.
The last one left her in the High Street.
She waited 40 minutes.
She thought he'd just gone shopping.
You'll enjoy it once she's passed, when driving becomes just one more experience you can share together.
Who's your friend?! So you take the car and go to the wholesalers.
I've been there before! Correct.
Then you ask for Mr Dobson.
I've never done that before.
You'll soon get the hang of it(!) I know what's going to happen.
They'll say "Mr Dobson's not here.
"You'll have to see Mr Thingummy.
" And it just gets worse from there.
People are NEVER where they should be.
He's not here then? Your Wally? No, he's not here, love.
He's not anywhere then.
He'll not be far.
He's further than he SHOULD be! Who'll feed his pigeons? Oh, he'll back for then.
I could feed them.
You'll be waiting for Mr DOBSON!! Is that the Dobsons from Archbold Street? Yes, the youngest.
I'm not even sure if he's got his thick woolly on.
Mr Dobson? No-o!! That one o' mine! I don't like him going far without his thick woolly on.
You've come back then? Don't think anybody missed you.
There's worse places than home, lass.
Have you got your woollies on? I've got my woollies on.
No! No! You're the only other qualified driver.
It's a lie! A wicked lie! He doesn't look much of a driver.
She knows, instinctively.
You don't have to drive! So what? Tell him, Norm.
Get IN or OUT! It looks like a kidnapping.
Single people seem to get all the fun.
I can't drive with a bag of nerves! You're a good woman, Edie Pegden.
I don't care what anybody says.
Alright, you win.
You drive.
What? She can't go home without a qualified driver.
So YOU'LL have to drive.
Oh, no! ENGINE REVS NOISILY I'll walk home.
Me too.
I'll make the tea.
Congratulations! For what? You're the only person who's ever made my sister's driving look good.
Well, I suppose it's just a gift.
Why did you go to pieces when you got behind the wheel? I once had a bad experience behind a wheel.
Me too.
Nora Batty backed into me with her bike.
Caught me right in the middle of the railings.
Be quiet! I was until I got me breath back.
Deathly quiet.
What was this bad experience? It's called driving.
You should practise.
Oh, I do.
I practise never going near a car.
Shall I show you where Nora Batty caught me in the railings? Don't you DARE!! BBC Scotland - 1987