Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s11e03 Episode Script
Oh Shut Up And Eat Your Choc Ice
I'm telling thee, me toe went purple! I can understand that.
If I was inside that welly, I'd go purple! We ARE purple.
What do you mean? I'm not purple! Only me toe went purple.
Inside we're purple.
A really horrible purple.
I was watching one of them surgical programmes.
They poked about inside this bloke from Exeter, without the courtesy even to take their gloves off.
All you could see was this yucky purple.
Aye well, if they come from Exeter they may be purple! We're all purple.
We can talk about liberty, equality, fraternity, but the bottom line is purple.
I enjoy the surgical programmes.
That's a profession I could have taken to.
I have the skills.
I was once told I had 'surgeon's hands'.
Who told you that? Mummy, if you must know.
"Mummy"! Fancy spending your life inside people from Exeter.
I should have listened to her.
I chose education.
Sometimes you'd sit there with some grubby little snot misbehaving, and there'd be a twinge of regret that you didn't have him under your knife! Always loved kids, Seymour? I never fancied the medical profession.
They go into such terrible places.
London? I was thinking more of armpits.
I know what you mean.
There's always a snag.
Monday morning, imagine THAT lying on a trolley, naked, save for his wellies.
A fit bloke like me? Why would I be there? To have a welly removed? There's a job that needs an anaesthetic! Do you remember when hay used to be square? Yes! I remember square hay.
They used to make it in rectangular lumps so that you could make neat stacks.
What can they do with this except leave it in UNTIDY lumps? I bet there's a rat in there.
I bet it's a whopping great rat! Come away! Your friends aren't always ours! OoofI'd soon know if I had my ferret! Oh, come down from there! I'm telling thee! There's been one! Smell it! No, thank you.
YOU can smell it! What do they smell like? Boot polish.
Black.
Oh, what's he talking about? It's just the eensyist-weensyist HINT of black boot polish.
What about brown rats? Just the same.
Black boot polish.
EXCITED CHATTER IN JAPANESE English religion? Could be.
We're in Yorkshire.
If it's cheap, they'll have a go.
Ah! A little scientific experiment! Thesechaps aremyassistants.
Meformer headmaster boss-wallahbig school.
Very beautiful in your cherry-blossom-time! EXPLAINS IN JAPANESE He's even creeping in Japanese now! A few international courtesies! While they've been distracting you, some others might have nipped in and sunk all our battleships! I felt I had to explain! "Scientific experiments" ? "My assistants" ?! It was your fault! You started the whole performance! I BET they've sunk our battleships! Do we have any battleships? I don't think so.
There you are! That's damn dangerous! Fancy leaving it to roll downhill ! We'll have to do something about it.
I vote we go.
We can't leave it in a dangerous place! I could.
Me, too.
That's not a responsible attitude.
Pay attention.
Come round here.
We'll push it somewhere safer.
How's tha goin' to push this ?! I'M not going to.
All of us will.
Oh! Goody, goody, goody (!) Oh, very beautiful ! Cherry-blossom-time, Mount Fuji! Glenda wants a family.
She's got a family! She's got a mother, a dad and a husband.
How many more does she want? I think she meant a younger family.
Are you ready for a family? It's a big responsibility.
I sometimes think, "Yeah!" .
.
and then again, sometimes I think, "No".
I mean, I'd like to be a father.
On the other hand, I wonder if we're doing right .
.
or not.
That's decisive, that's a help (!) There! Thank you! How long have you been married now? Four years! Four years? I've done thirty.
Doesn't time fly when you're having fun? They don't make their marriages last these days.
They don't get a grip on it like we did.
They think you can leave it to love.
Huh! Wasn't our Glenda's a beautiful wedding? Full white, and lemon accessories.
I wanted pink.
The lemon was beautiful - everybody liked it.
Except me.
Your father liked it.
He likes what he's told! Well, you should see what he likes when left to his own devices! I know what mine likes, left to his own devices! We won't discuss it with Glenda here.
Mother! What colour is Marina's hair now? Depends where she's been lying.
Get me my glasses, love.
Not when it's getting interesting! I'm not a child.
I'm thinking of starting a family.
Hadn't you better get home first? What does your Barry think? We're THINKING about it.
We haven't made up our minds.
That sounds like your Barry! It's a pity men don't have 'em.
Men! They can't have a cold without a support team! They can't stand pain.
That's true.
Women are born to suffer.
ALL: Yes.
And some of us quite enjoy it, really.
If men had to have babies, they'd invent something better.
You've plenty of time.
You're hardly out of your lemon accessories! I'm working on Barry slowly.
It takes him some time to absorb new ideas.
If he thinks it's a NEW idea, it will be slow! You're young enough.
Are you ready for responsibility? I'm not SO young, Mother.
It's time we started, if we're going to.
I know the feeling.
You lie awake at night thinking, "I wish I had some helpless, squeaky little bundle, totally dependent on me.
" Then you wake up and find you've got one.
Your husband! Let's have a breather! Good grief! You're ALWAYS wanting a break.
Don't tell me.
Tell my lungs! I think there IS a rat in it! We'll never get it back up there! Why should we bother? It was our fault that it rolled down.
We ought to put it back! Aw! Do YOU think I ought to start a family? Well, not right now, Barry.
It's the responsibility RightPush! GROANS AND GASPS ESPECIALLY FROM COMPO It keeps running back! We'll never get it up there! If we all push together, we will ! Let's co-ordinate our efforts.
Now, take your time from me.
Are you listening, Barry? Barry? Barry? Roll it off! He looks thinner! Say something! That could have solved it.
I won't be ABLE to start a family! I think it's magic when we're out together, all alone, like this.
You call THIS "together", Howard? It's just a cunning ploy, love.
This way, it arouses no suspicions in the minds of passers-by.
This way is not going to arouse ANYTHING, is it, Howard? I might as well have a pen-friend.
I told thee we'd never shift it! I believed him! We can't just leave it there! We've got to put his hay back.
He can't lose a whole bale of hay.
It's perfectly good hay.
Except it's heavy! Do you want a lift, or not? Of course! Well, come on! They won't start a family, with a mortgage AND a rented TV.
THEY might not decide.
These things can start on their own.
I blame home brew.
Quasimodo is alive and well and living in a three-wheeler.
What's wrong with his neck? It's not just his neck, it goes all the way down! Agh! Stop whingeing! It only needs a little twist.
I've played Pontoon! When you twist you're sometimes busted! If anything drops off, I don't want it on my floor! He'll be all right in a minute.
He'd be even more all right if he were outside! What he wants is fresh air, not parading on people's floors! Ow! Oh! Aagh! You stupid great pillock! There you are, it's all over.
I told you it was nothing! Maybe not from YOUR end! Hasn't our Seymour got talented fingers! He was always medically-inclined.
I told them.
Can I open my eyes now? No! Oh! You should try being run over by a bale of hay! What? It's true.
I was run over by a bale of hay.
Where does he get ideas like that? Don't ask me! Wesley, may we borrow your three-wheeler? I was going to tinker OF COURSE you can! Of course! I hate to leave things unfinished.
I noticed that with my neck! Is your head on tight? It sounded loose.
And a length of rope, Wesley? I'm going to return that bale of hay, even if it kills them! Come along then, Clegg.
I'm not driving that! I'd sooner push a bale of hay! You don't have to.
HE can drive! ME ?! You've a motorbike licence, so you can drive one of these.
I never knew that! Off we go, then! Thank you! Off we go, then! Now, take care of her! Of course he will ! Seymour knows what he's doing! GEARS CRUNCH You don't have to drive it like a motorbike! Don't take corners on two wheels! Sorry! OK ! I'll drive! I'll drive! Sit thee down! Relax! 'Aye-up, Cheeky.
Want a lift? No, we don't! I do! Beats waiting for the bus! Come on, she's right.
Can he drive this thing? Listen to her! What a wicked tongue she's got! He says that, but that doesn't mean he knows how to drive it! It's better than waiting for the bus.
It would be even better if we could breathe.
If you want to do anything tricksy like breathing, we'll work out a rota.
Can you move your elbow, Clegg? I can't move a thing.
If I could, I wouldn't risk it! Cosy, in't it? What a place to leave a dustbin! Eli, it's us in a three-wheeler! Tha knows who it is, Eli.
Tha's a grand little feller! Get thyself a choc-ice! Don't spill it on Dad! Where's he going? Where's he taking us ?! Don't ask me, I can't see a thing.
A brief detour, ladies.
We're on an errand.
I'm not going into the country with the likes of HIM ! He's not the Huddersfield Strangler.
It's not your THROAT he goes for! This will take a moment, ladies, then we'll deliver you safely home.
Will someone get me out of this rope? What are you going for? A bale of hay.
That's all we need in here! We're not going to collect it! We're merely moving it.
I'm not rolling around hay with him! Spoil-sport! I'm getting really teed up with this rope.
Oh, shut up and eat your choc-ice! It has its advantages.
Anybody passing is going to think, "There's Howard, all alone.
" They'd be right.
For all practical purposes, you ARE alone.
I'm not.
I've got you.
You want the truth, Howard? It lacks excitement.
All I've got to hold is a bicycle! All right, then.
Next time, we'll find somewhere with a hole in the wall.
Then maybe we can hold hands! Holding hands through a wall.
You really know how to set a girl's senses spinning, don't you (!) There's a three-wheeler coming! It's Belle! Hello, love What the devil are you doing on damp grass at your age? MY age? I'm at the prime of middle age.
Perhaps at the peak of my vigour! You'll be up all night rubbing liniment on it.
What are you doing?! Just meditating, love.
I come here to ponder the great questions.
And you can't ponder without getting your britches wet? Oh, get off home! I'll put the immersion on.
You can get straight into a bath.
What's he doing? "Pondering big questions.
" He get's dafter! It made more sense when he crept about with Tiger Lil.
There are a few big questions about HIM I'd want to ponder! You see? It worked! It worked! Oh goody (!) Better than waiting for the bus? You can't win 'em all.
What the? I'm not going in that! It's a few hundred yards, ladies.
We're just taking it back where it came from.
We'll wait here.
Very well, suit yourselves! I think I'll wait here, too.
I need YOU.
I'll be back, lass.
But this will keep thee going! Get off! Get off! I hate it when he does that.
You can feel it for a week! We can't go on for ever, Howard, with a wall between us.
It's only when we're liable to be observed by passers-by.
There aren't any passers-by up here, Howard.
We're in the middle of a field.
You could kiss me here Who's going to hold the bicycles? Well done! Where does it go? Here is near enough.
"Near enough" ?! Give over! This is a precision job! I'm putting it back EXACTLY where it came from.
Don't tempt fate.
You're pushing your luck with Nora Batty as it is! You're talking to the Ace, kid! I were born to FLY a three-wheeler! Very well, it was over there.
Help! Head it off! Get in front of it! Oh, shut up and eat your choc-ice! Kiss me, Howard.
Do you think we ought? Why not? It's just I have this superstitious fear that if we go too far, there'll be some terrible sign from heaven.
I think we ought to risk it.
I knew it! What is it? Is he dead? Can you feel a pulse? Stand back! Let her feel me pulse! Bog off! How come her bicycle is entangled with your bicycle, Howard? It's one of the questions I'm standing here pondering.
You're all right, then? I'm all right! She's feeling me pulse!
If I was inside that welly, I'd go purple! We ARE purple.
What do you mean? I'm not purple! Only me toe went purple.
Inside we're purple.
A really horrible purple.
I was watching one of them surgical programmes.
They poked about inside this bloke from Exeter, without the courtesy even to take their gloves off.
All you could see was this yucky purple.
Aye well, if they come from Exeter they may be purple! We're all purple.
We can talk about liberty, equality, fraternity, but the bottom line is purple.
I enjoy the surgical programmes.
That's a profession I could have taken to.
I have the skills.
I was once told I had 'surgeon's hands'.
Who told you that? Mummy, if you must know.
"Mummy"! Fancy spending your life inside people from Exeter.
I should have listened to her.
I chose education.
Sometimes you'd sit there with some grubby little snot misbehaving, and there'd be a twinge of regret that you didn't have him under your knife! Always loved kids, Seymour? I never fancied the medical profession.
They go into such terrible places.
London? I was thinking more of armpits.
I know what you mean.
There's always a snag.
Monday morning, imagine THAT lying on a trolley, naked, save for his wellies.
A fit bloke like me? Why would I be there? To have a welly removed? There's a job that needs an anaesthetic! Do you remember when hay used to be square? Yes! I remember square hay.
They used to make it in rectangular lumps so that you could make neat stacks.
What can they do with this except leave it in UNTIDY lumps? I bet there's a rat in there.
I bet it's a whopping great rat! Come away! Your friends aren't always ours! OoofI'd soon know if I had my ferret! Oh, come down from there! I'm telling thee! There's been one! Smell it! No, thank you.
YOU can smell it! What do they smell like? Boot polish.
Black.
Oh, what's he talking about? It's just the eensyist-weensyist HINT of black boot polish.
What about brown rats? Just the same.
Black boot polish.
EXCITED CHATTER IN JAPANESE English religion? Could be.
We're in Yorkshire.
If it's cheap, they'll have a go.
Ah! A little scientific experiment! Thesechaps aremyassistants.
Meformer headmaster boss-wallahbig school.
Very beautiful in your cherry-blossom-time! EXPLAINS IN JAPANESE He's even creeping in Japanese now! A few international courtesies! While they've been distracting you, some others might have nipped in and sunk all our battleships! I felt I had to explain! "Scientific experiments" ? "My assistants" ?! It was your fault! You started the whole performance! I BET they've sunk our battleships! Do we have any battleships? I don't think so.
There you are! That's damn dangerous! Fancy leaving it to roll downhill ! We'll have to do something about it.
I vote we go.
We can't leave it in a dangerous place! I could.
Me, too.
That's not a responsible attitude.
Pay attention.
Come round here.
We'll push it somewhere safer.
How's tha goin' to push this ?! I'M not going to.
All of us will.
Oh! Goody, goody, goody (!) Oh, very beautiful ! Cherry-blossom-time, Mount Fuji! Glenda wants a family.
She's got a family! She's got a mother, a dad and a husband.
How many more does she want? I think she meant a younger family.
Are you ready for a family? It's a big responsibility.
I sometimes think, "Yeah!" .
.
and then again, sometimes I think, "No".
I mean, I'd like to be a father.
On the other hand, I wonder if we're doing right .
.
or not.
That's decisive, that's a help (!) There! Thank you! How long have you been married now? Four years! Four years? I've done thirty.
Doesn't time fly when you're having fun? They don't make their marriages last these days.
They don't get a grip on it like we did.
They think you can leave it to love.
Huh! Wasn't our Glenda's a beautiful wedding? Full white, and lemon accessories.
I wanted pink.
The lemon was beautiful - everybody liked it.
Except me.
Your father liked it.
He likes what he's told! Well, you should see what he likes when left to his own devices! I know what mine likes, left to his own devices! We won't discuss it with Glenda here.
Mother! What colour is Marina's hair now? Depends where she's been lying.
Get me my glasses, love.
Not when it's getting interesting! I'm not a child.
I'm thinking of starting a family.
Hadn't you better get home first? What does your Barry think? We're THINKING about it.
We haven't made up our minds.
That sounds like your Barry! It's a pity men don't have 'em.
Men! They can't have a cold without a support team! They can't stand pain.
That's true.
Women are born to suffer.
ALL: Yes.
And some of us quite enjoy it, really.
If men had to have babies, they'd invent something better.
You've plenty of time.
You're hardly out of your lemon accessories! I'm working on Barry slowly.
It takes him some time to absorb new ideas.
If he thinks it's a NEW idea, it will be slow! You're young enough.
Are you ready for responsibility? I'm not SO young, Mother.
It's time we started, if we're going to.
I know the feeling.
You lie awake at night thinking, "I wish I had some helpless, squeaky little bundle, totally dependent on me.
" Then you wake up and find you've got one.
Your husband! Let's have a breather! Good grief! You're ALWAYS wanting a break.
Don't tell me.
Tell my lungs! I think there IS a rat in it! We'll never get it back up there! Why should we bother? It was our fault that it rolled down.
We ought to put it back! Aw! Do YOU think I ought to start a family? Well, not right now, Barry.
It's the responsibility RightPush! GROANS AND GASPS ESPECIALLY FROM COMPO It keeps running back! We'll never get it up there! If we all push together, we will ! Let's co-ordinate our efforts.
Now, take your time from me.
Are you listening, Barry? Barry? Barry? Roll it off! He looks thinner! Say something! That could have solved it.
I won't be ABLE to start a family! I think it's magic when we're out together, all alone, like this.
You call THIS "together", Howard? It's just a cunning ploy, love.
This way, it arouses no suspicions in the minds of passers-by.
This way is not going to arouse ANYTHING, is it, Howard? I might as well have a pen-friend.
I told thee we'd never shift it! I believed him! We can't just leave it there! We've got to put his hay back.
He can't lose a whole bale of hay.
It's perfectly good hay.
Except it's heavy! Do you want a lift, or not? Of course! Well, come on! They won't start a family, with a mortgage AND a rented TV.
THEY might not decide.
These things can start on their own.
I blame home brew.
Quasimodo is alive and well and living in a three-wheeler.
What's wrong with his neck? It's not just his neck, it goes all the way down! Agh! Stop whingeing! It only needs a little twist.
I've played Pontoon! When you twist you're sometimes busted! If anything drops off, I don't want it on my floor! He'll be all right in a minute.
He'd be even more all right if he were outside! What he wants is fresh air, not parading on people's floors! Ow! Oh! Aagh! You stupid great pillock! There you are, it's all over.
I told you it was nothing! Maybe not from YOUR end! Hasn't our Seymour got talented fingers! He was always medically-inclined.
I told them.
Can I open my eyes now? No! Oh! You should try being run over by a bale of hay! What? It's true.
I was run over by a bale of hay.
Where does he get ideas like that? Don't ask me! Wesley, may we borrow your three-wheeler? I was going to tinker OF COURSE you can! Of course! I hate to leave things unfinished.
I noticed that with my neck! Is your head on tight? It sounded loose.
And a length of rope, Wesley? I'm going to return that bale of hay, even if it kills them! Come along then, Clegg.
I'm not driving that! I'd sooner push a bale of hay! You don't have to.
HE can drive! ME ?! You've a motorbike licence, so you can drive one of these.
I never knew that! Off we go, then! Thank you! Off we go, then! Now, take care of her! Of course he will ! Seymour knows what he's doing! GEARS CRUNCH You don't have to drive it like a motorbike! Don't take corners on two wheels! Sorry! OK ! I'll drive! I'll drive! Sit thee down! Relax! 'Aye-up, Cheeky.
Want a lift? No, we don't! I do! Beats waiting for the bus! Come on, she's right.
Can he drive this thing? Listen to her! What a wicked tongue she's got! He says that, but that doesn't mean he knows how to drive it! It's better than waiting for the bus.
It would be even better if we could breathe.
If you want to do anything tricksy like breathing, we'll work out a rota.
Can you move your elbow, Clegg? I can't move a thing.
If I could, I wouldn't risk it! Cosy, in't it? What a place to leave a dustbin! Eli, it's us in a three-wheeler! Tha knows who it is, Eli.
Tha's a grand little feller! Get thyself a choc-ice! Don't spill it on Dad! Where's he going? Where's he taking us ?! Don't ask me, I can't see a thing.
A brief detour, ladies.
We're on an errand.
I'm not going into the country with the likes of HIM ! He's not the Huddersfield Strangler.
It's not your THROAT he goes for! This will take a moment, ladies, then we'll deliver you safely home.
Will someone get me out of this rope? What are you going for? A bale of hay.
That's all we need in here! We're not going to collect it! We're merely moving it.
I'm not rolling around hay with him! Spoil-sport! I'm getting really teed up with this rope.
Oh, shut up and eat your choc-ice! It has its advantages.
Anybody passing is going to think, "There's Howard, all alone.
" They'd be right.
For all practical purposes, you ARE alone.
I'm not.
I've got you.
You want the truth, Howard? It lacks excitement.
All I've got to hold is a bicycle! All right, then.
Next time, we'll find somewhere with a hole in the wall.
Then maybe we can hold hands! Holding hands through a wall.
You really know how to set a girl's senses spinning, don't you (!) There's a three-wheeler coming! It's Belle! Hello, love What the devil are you doing on damp grass at your age? MY age? I'm at the prime of middle age.
Perhaps at the peak of my vigour! You'll be up all night rubbing liniment on it.
What are you doing?! Just meditating, love.
I come here to ponder the great questions.
And you can't ponder without getting your britches wet? Oh, get off home! I'll put the immersion on.
You can get straight into a bath.
What's he doing? "Pondering big questions.
" He get's dafter! It made more sense when he crept about with Tiger Lil.
There are a few big questions about HIM I'd want to ponder! You see? It worked! It worked! Oh goody (!) Better than waiting for the bus? You can't win 'em all.
What the? I'm not going in that! It's a few hundred yards, ladies.
We're just taking it back where it came from.
We'll wait here.
Very well, suit yourselves! I think I'll wait here, too.
I need YOU.
I'll be back, lass.
But this will keep thee going! Get off! Get off! I hate it when he does that.
You can feel it for a week! We can't go on for ever, Howard, with a wall between us.
It's only when we're liable to be observed by passers-by.
There aren't any passers-by up here, Howard.
We're in the middle of a field.
You could kiss me here Who's going to hold the bicycles? Well done! Where does it go? Here is near enough.
"Near enough" ?! Give over! This is a precision job! I'm putting it back EXACTLY where it came from.
Don't tempt fate.
You're pushing your luck with Nora Batty as it is! You're talking to the Ace, kid! I were born to FLY a three-wheeler! Very well, it was over there.
Help! Head it off! Get in front of it! Oh, shut up and eat your choc-ice! Kiss me, Howard.
Do you think we ought? Why not? It's just I have this superstitious fear that if we go too far, there'll be some terrible sign from heaven.
I think we ought to risk it.
I knew it! What is it? Is he dead? Can you feel a pulse? Stand back! Let her feel me pulse! Bog off! How come her bicycle is entangled with your bicycle, Howard? It's one of the questions I'm standing here pondering.
You're all right, then? I'm all right! She's feeling me pulse!