Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s11e08 Episode Script
What's Santa Brought For Nora Then?
Morning, Cleggie.
Morning, Howard.
Morning, Pearl.
Cheer up! Only one more shopping day to Christmas! I should hope so.
The whole thing started in July! Stay here, you, and don't move, while I check me oven timer! Last-minute Christmas shopping! Lucky you! When am I going to get a chance to slip away and buy something for Marina? You should have started when the shops did - in July! They say it's easy having a lady friend ^ A what? An ageing aunt, love.
Good thinking.
I was saying to Cleggie, it's not easy knowing what to buy for Auntie Wainwright.
It doesn't make any difference, does it? She just sells it in her shop! It has to be decent so that you're not ashamed to see it in the shop window.
It's not a bad idea.
I think I'll display what you buy me in a shop window! Well, you never say what you want! I want you to surprise me! I surprised you last year! Yes, you did.
I'll give you that.
You really did.
An electric wallpaper stripper! You really send a thrill through a girl's heart! Oh, come on.
Is Howard in trouble again? He wouldn't feel comfy in any other environment.
Are we going to watch? I'm not going to watch! I can't bear it.
It's so embarrassing.
He tells people that they're trained ferrets.
They're not trained at all.
He swears they're getting better.
I'm not watching any more! Well, it's his last one anyway.
He hasn't earned as much as he intended.
I'm not surprised.
Fancy passing a hat round after an exhibition like that! He's doing it to pay for Nora Batty's present.
Why not give her the ferrets? He can't do a thing with them! Thank you.
How do, lass! Whatever are you dressed like that for? For me act.
My ferrets are doing a performance in the church hall.
Ferrets?! Why are you dressed like a jockey? Has tha ever tried finding something suitable for ferrets? Hold this.
What is it? Hold it! Why have I got to hold it? So I can have a kiss! What the blood and stomach pills is he doing?! Well, show business is glamorous.
What's he supposed to be? We've often wondered about that! Will you stop taking the mickey? I wear this for me act! What act?! Me ferret act! How can you ride ferrets? I don't ride 'em.
I make 'em do tricks! And you can leave them outside! I can't do that! These are three trained, valuable ferrets! Outside! It's brass monkeys out there! OUTSIDE! And a Merry Christmas to you NOW! BOYS WOLF WHISTLE Hey, Barry! Just the lad I need.
Keep an eye on me ferrets while I have a cuppa.
But! No You can't perform in a church looking like you've just been trampled in the Grand National! That's choking me! Keep still! Keep still while the lady's choking you.
I suppose you think it's funny? We've seen your performing ferrets! They're better.
We were rehearsing half the night.
At least they've got a better coat than you've got! Cheek! Barry! Just the lad! N-No, I'm supposed to be Keep an eye on the Landrover.
If you see a warden, blow the horn! Three toots on the horn, Barry! Three good toots! I'm supposed to be looking after ferrets! EXHAUST MAKES UNHEALTHY NOISES CRUNCHING GEAR CHANGE They're all the same.
This has got one of them damn stick things! Will she have a contribution? She doesn't usually part with a lot.
We all agreed to combine our efforts into a joint party.
Auntie Wainwright agreed.
I'm sure she'll have a contribution.
It won't be extravagant.
Nothing magnificent has ever come out of that family.
I mean, look at him! Stay where you are! Don't move! Keep your hands in your pockets! You're on closed circuit television! It's Howard, Auntie Wainwright! Howard who? Hands in your pockets! Your nephew.
Oh, THAT Howard! Are you still with that tall freak in short skirts? Yes, he is! I don't know who you mean! Well, now, let's not let any misunderstanding spoil the spirit of Christmas.
I'd like to see you all smiling and BUYING something! We haven't come to buy something.
No, we've come to collect YOUR contribution for the Christmas party.
Don't you remember? We all agreed to combine our efforts in baking! You're not buying? No, collecting.
Collecting?! Oh, I gave last time.
I remember distinctly giving last time.
Was it 50 or 55? It was 55! You gave 55 what? Not GAVE 55.
Yes, I'm almost certain it was 1955.
I said then, "I'm not doing it every year!" Look round.
If you see anything you fancy, a small deposit will secure.
Now don't wait for the January sale, because I don't have one! We ought to be going.
We've a lot of baking to do.
Mine's done! Oh, I knew you wouldn't let us down! I said to the vicar, "You can rely on me, vicar.
"Pastry-wise, I will only contact people of the highest moral natural fibre!" We'll take your contribution while we're here.
Just a minute.
Keep your hands in your pockets! Why is she always so miserable? Don't say unkind things, Glenda.
You see, she's only miserable when she's next to us.
If she was next to Nora Batty, she'd fit like a glove! I've baked a few treats.
Why not? After all, it is Christmas! That is kind of you, Auntie Wainwright.
Help Auntie with the tin, Glenda.
You're supposed to be the man around here.
Go and give your auntie a hand! You shouldn't have done all those treats! She hasn't! Don't shake 'em about! It's a bit light.
How many treats? You've got the whole six! Only six treats?! That's a bit short! Not as short as some skirts I could mention! Shut up or I'll mention them! I've got Auntie Wainwright's treats! ^ Goodbye, Auntie Wainwright.
See you tomorrow night.
Have a look round! No, thank you.
You could find something Oooh! I hate to see people leave without buying anything! It seems so unnatural! Where's Barry? I won't be long.
Mr Pegden wants me to toot him three times.
What's wrong with wishing him a Merry Christmas like everyone else? HE TOOTS LOUDLY Thank you, Barry(!) By, that was quick! Norman Clegg! And a tall person! Why are you outside a church hall looking masculine and unattached? We're waiting for someone.
I know the feeling! We're waiting for the end of the performance.
I know that feeling, too! There's something missing.
A little scruffy one.
I thought you were a set! He's inside.
Inside the church hall?! Has he gone religious? He's giving a show.
With his performing ferrets.
I thought he wouldn't have gone religious.
Performing ferrets? That sounds fascinating! It is! You ought to go and have a look NOW! I think I will.
Now then, Clegg.
Be an angel and hold my bicycle.
Come back, you ferrets! LOUD SCREAMS It's all right, ladies.
It's just first-night nerves! Just talk amongst yourselves.
I won't be a minute! Not long now.
Don't worry, it's Christmas! Ey up! Why do girls behind cosmetic counters all look as if they've come from another planet? He'll bring them down to earth! Aaagh! Ey up! Merry Christmas, love! We close soon.
What do you want? By 'eck, you're a smooth talker! Let me see How much is that? You must be joking! I'd need a mortgage! He has a very low gift-threshold! She put the wrong label on it! She put the wrong price on! Perfume is expensive.
I were prepared to spend up to two quid! And Pooh! Does Nora Batty wear perfume? She just smells of bleach and furniture polish.
It could be French furniture polish She smells better than that stuff! No wonder some marriages last.
A bloke can't afford to go anywhere else! You don't even know what size ear she's got.
She's got dinky ears! She's about as dinky as earth-moving equipment! Ask him what size ears they're for.
Ears don't come in sizes! .
.
Oh! Remind me never to buy a pair of shoes in this place! Try thinking about what jewellery she likes.
No, no, no! I'm not approaching it that way.
I'm thinking about what jewellery I can afford! Judging by the performance of your ferrets, not a lot! Less! Right! How much are these? You're very lucky.
They're reduced.
They're available for the bargain priceof £62.
WHAT the! It's a nice pair.
Come here! Listen, son.
When tha reaches our age, there's not a pair of ANYTHING that's worth £62! Don't you have any misshapes? Nothing off the back of a lorry? Go home.
We're closing.
And a Merry Christmas to thee(!) Oh, come on! I've still got to buy something for my favourite bird.
There's going to be a lonely widow who'll be very disappointed! Come away.
They're closed.
It's too late.
Everything's closed.
Nothing will open until January.
What WILL be open? I must buy the lass summat.
Nothing! You've left it too late, as usual.
I've been searching the whole week.
There was nothing I could afford.
You should have saved up.
I did! Where do you think I got £2?! You should have saved up for 1989, not 1914! Ah! It's a terrible time, is Christmas.
It's easy enough to get into debt the rest of the year, but at least it isn't for people you don't like! You see people gritting their teeth and buying things for people they don't like! Ey up! Something's still open.
Wait! Constable! It is Christmas Eve.
I'm not a constable.
I'm a customer.
Ahhh! My last chance and I get the choice of a squeaky doll or a fire engine! Which did you choose? Neither, clever dick! Drink your beer and cheer up.
Well, there's nothing we can do tonight so let's just sit here in the snug and warmth and remember that Christmas is a time of peace.
LOUD SINGING: # Good King Wenceslas looked out # On the feast of Stephen # When the snow lay round about # Deep and crisp and even.
# Brightly shone the moon that night # Though the frost was cruel, # When a poor man came in sight # Riding on a mule.
# Hither page and stand by me # If thou know'st it, telling # Nice mess you made of Howard's tree.
I didn't ask him to fall off the ladder! He's a great tulip! You startled him! I only knocked on the window.
He was terrified! He probably thought you were Pearl.
If you gave Howard the choice between Dracula and Pearl, I bet he'd tackle Dracula any day.
KNOCK ON DOOR I wonder who THAT can be(!) Have you seen my tree?! All my lights went out.
And I've crushed my sugar fairy.
Sit down, Howard.
Get your breath back.
Why were you creeping up on people? Nice tree, Howard.
It WAS! All ready for Christmas? I WAS until you came leaping up on people.
Bought all your presents? I should hope so, by this time! If a bloke hasn't got his presents by now, it's too late.
That's true.
Quite a coincidence, that! What has tha bought Marina? Never you mind! And keep your voice down.
Walls have ears.
I never hear you and Pearl unless she's really shouting.
If she hears you talking about (Marina) she will be really shouting.
How do you cope with two women? Badly! Listen, Howard.
What have you bought Marina for Christmas? I'm not telling you.
There's such a thing as privacy! Howard, I'm not just being curious.
I've got to get a present for Nora.
It wouldn't be suitable.
Is it something nice? Of course! Oh, Howard, I'm desperate.
ANYTHING will be suitable.
Lend me the present you've got for Marina! NO! You don't have a chance in hell of getting it to her for Christmas.
Pearl's too smart to let thee go sneaking off at Christmas, lad! I'll buy thee another one.
I've made arrangements for it.
Don't lie, Howard! What do you mean? It's the only friend I've got! KNOCK ON DOOR I wonder who THAT could be(!) What are you doing here? That tree looks like someone's run over Gary Glitter! I was just borrowing a fuse, love.
They don't look like they've got a fuse between them! (Parcel.
) I'm disappointed in Howard.
I've known him years.
He could do me a favour! For another fool about women.
Yes.
What's it like being a fool about women? It's great! You can buy her a New Year present.
It's not the same.
I want it now.
Women are sentimental about these things.
Shop! We're shut! She doesn't sound sentimental! The door's open.
So is your mouth, but it doesn't mean you have to serve customers! I smell cooking.
And very delicious it smells, too.
It's for the party tonight.
Eh! And if you want to see Boxing Day, don't start! There's my little Christmas fairy! You can see why Howard crushed it! Doesn't she carry a turkey well? The turkey looks more friendly.
Listen, I've already told you three.
WE ARE SHUT.
Ladies, we're just leaving.
Flannel! Yeah.
They're full of flannel! Mince pies! Eh, lass, give us a mince pie in memory of that long-lasting, effervescent kiss! Get away, you daft devil! What long-lasting, effervescent kiss? Here you are.
Cheers! Cheers! I've got to give her summat.
You're too late.
Tha's never been in love.
You call it love?! He's no idea! Neither have I.
If ever I've had a fever, there's always been a sound medical reason.
Of course, there is one place that will be open WHERE? I won't come inside.
WHERE? Howard's Auntie Wainwright's.
He's right.
Auntie Wainwright never closes.
You're on your own there.
I'm staying outside with Clegg.
You're a pair of big lilies! Terrified of a dear old lady! What next? Those cheesey things.
Right.
Speaking of little cheesey things Wait! Right.
Come in and get changed? Already?! Already? You've had November and December to wallow in your overalls! Can I have a bun? No, you can't.
These buns are for people who are suitably dressed.
Where's Barry? Under the car.
If you've knocked him down, shouldn't you pick him up? He's fitting an exhaust! In his suit?! He's got some carpet to lie on! Fetch him in and clean him up.
I told you to watch Barry.
He was fine until my father got him! Give us a bun.
Why do I encourage strays? Go and rescue Barry.
I'll kill him if he's all messy.
He will be because he's been with your father.
And HE'LL turn up for heaven in overalls! There'll be those beautiful pearly gates, and all your father will notice is whether they squeak! I'm ashamed of thee! Two grown men! How's she going to hurt thee - an old lady?! She's as much an old lady as Genghis Khan was a tourist! Come on! You won't come out alive without buying something.
I don't know what I'm going to do with this.
Barbara will kill me! What did you buy it for, then? I didn't BUY it.
I was SOLD it.
There's a difference.
Ahem! Oh, come on! No.
No.
No.
Come on! STAND THERE AND DON'T MOVE! I'll be with you in a minute.
Keep your hands in your pockets! These premises are protected by ELEC-O-TRONIC video cameras.
Touch anything while my back is turned and you may be electrocuted! In fact, you WILL be electrocuted.
And Merry Christmas to you! If you're collecting for something, I've already given.
I remember distinctly - "Victory Over Japan" celebrations.
I told them not to think I was doing it every time a war ended! We're not collecting, Auntie Wainwright.
This is Cleggie.
He lives next door to your Howard.
And this is Seymour.
I don't play any favourites.
Everyone's welcome so long as they'e not collecting.
Now, what can I sell you? It's him! Wha? It's him.
We're just spectators.
Absolutely! That's not stopping you enjoying the benefits of my electricity! It's a bit dark round here! Dark?! It's never dark! People don't want their eyes burning out.
They want nice subdued lighting.
What are you after? A Christmas present.
You're in the right place.
Now you want something antique.
It can only appreciate in value.
It'serfor a lady friend.
Oh! I've got JUST the thing.
Now Why don't you surprise her with this inlaid mahogany wardrobe? I don't want one.
You haven't had a look yet.
I don't want a wardrobe! What about your friends? If you're going to be difficult, we'll see what else we've got.
(I'll be up in the bedroom window, lovey.
You cycle past and I'll get your present handed over to you.
) (I know it will be risky, precious.
But I'd risk anything for you.
) Oh, it's YOU, love! Why are you standing here looking guilty? And don't lie.
It won't look convincing.
Why are you on the stairs? I quite like stairs.
I often think they're very undervalued - stairs.
I told you! I knew it! The only one who hasn't bought anything yet is HIM! For a person of casual habits, you're hard to please.
Because I didn't buy a wardrobe? Your friends didn't want what they bought, but they bought it! I wanted something for a lady - something delicate something femifeminini.
Wellhow about a SMALL wardrobe? I don't want a wardrobe.
I can't AFFORD a wardrobe.
That's a reason I CAN understand.
You only had to say so! Nowt to be ashamed of in poverty.
But I don't like it wasting my time! Something for a lady Does she play hockey? She don't play football, either.
Little touch of sarcasm, eh? That's going to put a few bob on your purchase price(!) There must be something for a lady.
Oh, you're not telling me I haven't got something for a lady? It's a Nora Batty hat! It's definitely a Nora Batty hat! Cheeky! Ey up! It's raining! Ey up! What's he doing wearing a hat like that? It WAS a hat like that! Now, it's a hat like THIS! It'll dry.
That's what they told my Uncle Ned! It'll suit you better wet.
It goes with your wellies.
Give it here! Oh! Clever Howard! Howard? CRASHING AND CLATTERING I keep telling you! It'll dry! We'll dry it back at Cleggs.
It will be as good as new.
It's like a drownded ferret! Speaking of drownded ferrets! Ey up! That's Marina! She looks as though she's had a Merry Christmas already.
They should ban office parties.
Nothing but trouble comes from Christmas office parties.
'Ow do, Marina? I can't stop in this condition.
What must you think of a person in this condition? I can only promise you it was entirely innocent! Just a slight miscalculation on the bicycle! Hey! I think a party's a good idea.
You're no good stuck at home on your own.
I find I still bake for two.
I'm just the same.
It's not easy to change the ingredients after so long.
Still baking for three, really! He ate enough for two! So could mine! I know he never looked like he could.
He made me feel so ashamed.
You'd see him creeping about looking under-nourished, and only I knew he'd just walloped down a plateful fit to bust a navvy! Aye, he could eat! I saw it in this cafe.
Then he'd go wandering round giving people the impression that I never fed him.
I find I throw more stuff out for the birds these days.
I don't know why I bake at all! You've got to keep going.
Baking for husbands that are no longer there? Yes.
Definitely.
As long as you CAN keep going.
He never caught me sitting much when he was alive.
If he's watching, I'm damned if he's going to think it's been a holiday since he went! You can't see Barry for buns! How many have you got?! Enough for everybody.
The vicar can have what's left over.
He may not be sound on all his 39 Articles but he knows his buns! Mrs Hemmingway offered but I talked her out of it.
Her pastry isn't very light! - These are light.
- She thought HERS were light! There'll be enough mouths that won't notice the difference! I would! No-one's ever criticised my pastry.
Barry didn't! I only had a couple! I thought, "Have a bun, Barry.
Make a decision! "You've read a lot.
Who else knows the distance in nautical miles to Venus? "Or the chemical composition of hair?" Don't just stand there cuddling buns, Barry! - HE likes my buns.
- The young are impetuous! ^ Barry's not impetuous.
He's steady, aren't you, Barry? ^ If he were steadier, he'd stop! Where shall I put them? ^ With the others would be nice, Barry! We'll see you later.
I'm taking him home to get this oil off his suit! Have a word with him.
It's not nice to discuss the chemical composition of hair in mixed company.
Mother! I'll see you later.
She handles him well for a young woman.
I don't think she fancied handling him in that condition! It's a good sign when they're covered in oil and such substances.
It means they don't plan to go places where they daren't leave fingerprints! Oh! Thank you.
Ta! Does tha think she'll like it? Of course! It's a splendid hat! It has a touch of summer to it.
It's been a wet summer.
Shut up! Ah! If she wears her summer pinny with it, she'll look a picture! I think I've seen the picture.
It was said to be unsuitable for nervous people! KNOCK ON DOOR I wonder who THAT can be(!) Good god! The phantom fisherman! I'm sorry to disturb you, but it's an emergency.
I've seen thee on a label on a sardine tin! Do we know this shipwrecked person? It's ME! Howard from next door! Why are you dressed up like that? It's a long story.
I told Pearl I'm interested in fishing.
I've got to make it convincing.
You've convinced me, Howard! I've got to go.
Will you look after this? It's Marina's present.
I can't leave it where Pearl might find it.
Howard! Where are you, Howard? Are you in there, Howard? Oh! Have you seen a small lunatic in big boots? There he is! Pearl, love! I was just asking these people if they'd like to go fishing.
Tonight?! No, love.
Sometime in January.
Next Sunday.
When it's summer.
That often?! Oh, yes.
It's a still life.
Mistletoe in bottle on .
.
Mount Fuji.
Are you going to be dressed up like that all over Christmas? What a treat! I was just trying to rekindle the excitement of fishing, love.
If you do, it'll be the first excitement you've kindled for years! I wonder what he's bought her.
Never mind.
You've got a present.
Present! Arghhh! My present! It's burning! Ohhh! Oh, dear! It's a burnt offering! GENERAL CHATTER AND MERRIMENT Well, well, well! No present for Nora Batty! But we will testify that you tried! You should have brushed off the burnt bits! I couldn't give her a tatty hat like that! It's exactly the kind she wears.
It were beyond all hope! Yes, the very kind! No.
I'm not going to insult her with something old and tatty! In that case, she won't like YOU! Do I look old and tatty, Norm? Why are you worried so suddenly? You've been old and tatty for years.
Of course I have! I keep forgetting! Hey! Er Hey! Don't worry.
I'll get thee a replacement when tha needs it! Don't come near me with mistletoe! Keep him and the mistletoe away! For me? Of course! I wouldn't forget thee on Christmas Eve.
You see! He can be thoughtful when he wants! You shouldn't have! What is it? Open it! I don't know what to say! Don't say anything, love.
Just enjoy it and think of me! I didn't know! THUD That's better than mistletoe!
Morning, Howard.
Morning, Pearl.
Cheer up! Only one more shopping day to Christmas! I should hope so.
The whole thing started in July! Stay here, you, and don't move, while I check me oven timer! Last-minute Christmas shopping! Lucky you! When am I going to get a chance to slip away and buy something for Marina? You should have started when the shops did - in July! They say it's easy having a lady friend ^ A what? An ageing aunt, love.
Good thinking.
I was saying to Cleggie, it's not easy knowing what to buy for Auntie Wainwright.
It doesn't make any difference, does it? She just sells it in her shop! It has to be decent so that you're not ashamed to see it in the shop window.
It's not a bad idea.
I think I'll display what you buy me in a shop window! Well, you never say what you want! I want you to surprise me! I surprised you last year! Yes, you did.
I'll give you that.
You really did.
An electric wallpaper stripper! You really send a thrill through a girl's heart! Oh, come on.
Is Howard in trouble again? He wouldn't feel comfy in any other environment.
Are we going to watch? I'm not going to watch! I can't bear it.
It's so embarrassing.
He tells people that they're trained ferrets.
They're not trained at all.
He swears they're getting better.
I'm not watching any more! Well, it's his last one anyway.
He hasn't earned as much as he intended.
I'm not surprised.
Fancy passing a hat round after an exhibition like that! He's doing it to pay for Nora Batty's present.
Why not give her the ferrets? He can't do a thing with them! Thank you.
How do, lass! Whatever are you dressed like that for? For me act.
My ferrets are doing a performance in the church hall.
Ferrets?! Why are you dressed like a jockey? Has tha ever tried finding something suitable for ferrets? Hold this.
What is it? Hold it! Why have I got to hold it? So I can have a kiss! What the blood and stomach pills is he doing?! Well, show business is glamorous.
What's he supposed to be? We've often wondered about that! Will you stop taking the mickey? I wear this for me act! What act?! Me ferret act! How can you ride ferrets? I don't ride 'em.
I make 'em do tricks! And you can leave them outside! I can't do that! These are three trained, valuable ferrets! Outside! It's brass monkeys out there! OUTSIDE! And a Merry Christmas to you NOW! BOYS WOLF WHISTLE Hey, Barry! Just the lad I need.
Keep an eye on me ferrets while I have a cuppa.
But! No You can't perform in a church looking like you've just been trampled in the Grand National! That's choking me! Keep still! Keep still while the lady's choking you.
I suppose you think it's funny? We've seen your performing ferrets! They're better.
We were rehearsing half the night.
At least they've got a better coat than you've got! Cheek! Barry! Just the lad! N-No, I'm supposed to be Keep an eye on the Landrover.
If you see a warden, blow the horn! Three toots on the horn, Barry! Three good toots! I'm supposed to be looking after ferrets! EXHAUST MAKES UNHEALTHY NOISES CRUNCHING GEAR CHANGE They're all the same.
This has got one of them damn stick things! Will she have a contribution? She doesn't usually part with a lot.
We all agreed to combine our efforts into a joint party.
Auntie Wainwright agreed.
I'm sure she'll have a contribution.
It won't be extravagant.
Nothing magnificent has ever come out of that family.
I mean, look at him! Stay where you are! Don't move! Keep your hands in your pockets! You're on closed circuit television! It's Howard, Auntie Wainwright! Howard who? Hands in your pockets! Your nephew.
Oh, THAT Howard! Are you still with that tall freak in short skirts? Yes, he is! I don't know who you mean! Well, now, let's not let any misunderstanding spoil the spirit of Christmas.
I'd like to see you all smiling and BUYING something! We haven't come to buy something.
No, we've come to collect YOUR contribution for the Christmas party.
Don't you remember? We all agreed to combine our efforts in baking! You're not buying? No, collecting.
Collecting?! Oh, I gave last time.
I remember distinctly giving last time.
Was it 50 or 55? It was 55! You gave 55 what? Not GAVE 55.
Yes, I'm almost certain it was 1955.
I said then, "I'm not doing it every year!" Look round.
If you see anything you fancy, a small deposit will secure.
Now don't wait for the January sale, because I don't have one! We ought to be going.
We've a lot of baking to do.
Mine's done! Oh, I knew you wouldn't let us down! I said to the vicar, "You can rely on me, vicar.
"Pastry-wise, I will only contact people of the highest moral natural fibre!" We'll take your contribution while we're here.
Just a minute.
Keep your hands in your pockets! Why is she always so miserable? Don't say unkind things, Glenda.
You see, she's only miserable when she's next to us.
If she was next to Nora Batty, she'd fit like a glove! I've baked a few treats.
Why not? After all, it is Christmas! That is kind of you, Auntie Wainwright.
Help Auntie with the tin, Glenda.
You're supposed to be the man around here.
Go and give your auntie a hand! You shouldn't have done all those treats! She hasn't! Don't shake 'em about! It's a bit light.
How many treats? You've got the whole six! Only six treats?! That's a bit short! Not as short as some skirts I could mention! Shut up or I'll mention them! I've got Auntie Wainwright's treats! ^ Goodbye, Auntie Wainwright.
See you tomorrow night.
Have a look round! No, thank you.
You could find something Oooh! I hate to see people leave without buying anything! It seems so unnatural! Where's Barry? I won't be long.
Mr Pegden wants me to toot him three times.
What's wrong with wishing him a Merry Christmas like everyone else? HE TOOTS LOUDLY Thank you, Barry(!) By, that was quick! Norman Clegg! And a tall person! Why are you outside a church hall looking masculine and unattached? We're waiting for someone.
I know the feeling! We're waiting for the end of the performance.
I know that feeling, too! There's something missing.
A little scruffy one.
I thought you were a set! He's inside.
Inside the church hall?! Has he gone religious? He's giving a show.
With his performing ferrets.
I thought he wouldn't have gone religious.
Performing ferrets? That sounds fascinating! It is! You ought to go and have a look NOW! I think I will.
Now then, Clegg.
Be an angel and hold my bicycle.
Come back, you ferrets! LOUD SCREAMS It's all right, ladies.
It's just first-night nerves! Just talk amongst yourselves.
I won't be a minute! Not long now.
Don't worry, it's Christmas! Ey up! Why do girls behind cosmetic counters all look as if they've come from another planet? He'll bring them down to earth! Aaagh! Ey up! Merry Christmas, love! We close soon.
What do you want? By 'eck, you're a smooth talker! Let me see How much is that? You must be joking! I'd need a mortgage! He has a very low gift-threshold! She put the wrong label on it! She put the wrong price on! Perfume is expensive.
I were prepared to spend up to two quid! And Pooh! Does Nora Batty wear perfume? She just smells of bleach and furniture polish.
It could be French furniture polish She smells better than that stuff! No wonder some marriages last.
A bloke can't afford to go anywhere else! You don't even know what size ear she's got.
She's got dinky ears! She's about as dinky as earth-moving equipment! Ask him what size ears they're for.
Ears don't come in sizes! .
.
Oh! Remind me never to buy a pair of shoes in this place! Try thinking about what jewellery she likes.
No, no, no! I'm not approaching it that way.
I'm thinking about what jewellery I can afford! Judging by the performance of your ferrets, not a lot! Less! Right! How much are these? You're very lucky.
They're reduced.
They're available for the bargain priceof £62.
WHAT the! It's a nice pair.
Come here! Listen, son.
When tha reaches our age, there's not a pair of ANYTHING that's worth £62! Don't you have any misshapes? Nothing off the back of a lorry? Go home.
We're closing.
And a Merry Christmas to thee(!) Oh, come on! I've still got to buy something for my favourite bird.
There's going to be a lonely widow who'll be very disappointed! Come away.
They're closed.
It's too late.
Everything's closed.
Nothing will open until January.
What WILL be open? I must buy the lass summat.
Nothing! You've left it too late, as usual.
I've been searching the whole week.
There was nothing I could afford.
You should have saved up.
I did! Where do you think I got £2?! You should have saved up for 1989, not 1914! Ah! It's a terrible time, is Christmas.
It's easy enough to get into debt the rest of the year, but at least it isn't for people you don't like! You see people gritting their teeth and buying things for people they don't like! Ey up! Something's still open.
Wait! Constable! It is Christmas Eve.
I'm not a constable.
I'm a customer.
Ahhh! My last chance and I get the choice of a squeaky doll or a fire engine! Which did you choose? Neither, clever dick! Drink your beer and cheer up.
Well, there's nothing we can do tonight so let's just sit here in the snug and warmth and remember that Christmas is a time of peace.
LOUD SINGING: # Good King Wenceslas looked out # On the feast of Stephen # When the snow lay round about # Deep and crisp and even.
# Brightly shone the moon that night # Though the frost was cruel, # When a poor man came in sight # Riding on a mule.
# Hither page and stand by me # If thou know'st it, telling # Nice mess you made of Howard's tree.
I didn't ask him to fall off the ladder! He's a great tulip! You startled him! I only knocked on the window.
He was terrified! He probably thought you were Pearl.
If you gave Howard the choice between Dracula and Pearl, I bet he'd tackle Dracula any day.
KNOCK ON DOOR I wonder who THAT can be(!) Have you seen my tree?! All my lights went out.
And I've crushed my sugar fairy.
Sit down, Howard.
Get your breath back.
Why were you creeping up on people? Nice tree, Howard.
It WAS! All ready for Christmas? I WAS until you came leaping up on people.
Bought all your presents? I should hope so, by this time! If a bloke hasn't got his presents by now, it's too late.
That's true.
Quite a coincidence, that! What has tha bought Marina? Never you mind! And keep your voice down.
Walls have ears.
I never hear you and Pearl unless she's really shouting.
If she hears you talking about (Marina) she will be really shouting.
How do you cope with two women? Badly! Listen, Howard.
What have you bought Marina for Christmas? I'm not telling you.
There's such a thing as privacy! Howard, I'm not just being curious.
I've got to get a present for Nora.
It wouldn't be suitable.
Is it something nice? Of course! Oh, Howard, I'm desperate.
ANYTHING will be suitable.
Lend me the present you've got for Marina! NO! You don't have a chance in hell of getting it to her for Christmas.
Pearl's too smart to let thee go sneaking off at Christmas, lad! I'll buy thee another one.
I've made arrangements for it.
Don't lie, Howard! What do you mean? It's the only friend I've got! KNOCK ON DOOR I wonder who THAT could be(!) What are you doing here? That tree looks like someone's run over Gary Glitter! I was just borrowing a fuse, love.
They don't look like they've got a fuse between them! (Parcel.
) I'm disappointed in Howard.
I've known him years.
He could do me a favour! For another fool about women.
Yes.
What's it like being a fool about women? It's great! You can buy her a New Year present.
It's not the same.
I want it now.
Women are sentimental about these things.
Shop! We're shut! She doesn't sound sentimental! The door's open.
So is your mouth, but it doesn't mean you have to serve customers! I smell cooking.
And very delicious it smells, too.
It's for the party tonight.
Eh! And if you want to see Boxing Day, don't start! There's my little Christmas fairy! You can see why Howard crushed it! Doesn't she carry a turkey well? The turkey looks more friendly.
Listen, I've already told you three.
WE ARE SHUT.
Ladies, we're just leaving.
Flannel! Yeah.
They're full of flannel! Mince pies! Eh, lass, give us a mince pie in memory of that long-lasting, effervescent kiss! Get away, you daft devil! What long-lasting, effervescent kiss? Here you are.
Cheers! Cheers! I've got to give her summat.
You're too late.
Tha's never been in love.
You call it love?! He's no idea! Neither have I.
If ever I've had a fever, there's always been a sound medical reason.
Of course, there is one place that will be open WHERE? I won't come inside.
WHERE? Howard's Auntie Wainwright's.
He's right.
Auntie Wainwright never closes.
You're on your own there.
I'm staying outside with Clegg.
You're a pair of big lilies! Terrified of a dear old lady! What next? Those cheesey things.
Right.
Speaking of little cheesey things Wait! Right.
Come in and get changed? Already?! Already? You've had November and December to wallow in your overalls! Can I have a bun? No, you can't.
These buns are for people who are suitably dressed.
Where's Barry? Under the car.
If you've knocked him down, shouldn't you pick him up? He's fitting an exhaust! In his suit?! He's got some carpet to lie on! Fetch him in and clean him up.
I told you to watch Barry.
He was fine until my father got him! Give us a bun.
Why do I encourage strays? Go and rescue Barry.
I'll kill him if he's all messy.
He will be because he's been with your father.
And HE'LL turn up for heaven in overalls! There'll be those beautiful pearly gates, and all your father will notice is whether they squeak! I'm ashamed of thee! Two grown men! How's she going to hurt thee - an old lady?! She's as much an old lady as Genghis Khan was a tourist! Come on! You won't come out alive without buying something.
I don't know what I'm going to do with this.
Barbara will kill me! What did you buy it for, then? I didn't BUY it.
I was SOLD it.
There's a difference.
Ahem! Oh, come on! No.
No.
No.
Come on! STAND THERE AND DON'T MOVE! I'll be with you in a minute.
Keep your hands in your pockets! These premises are protected by ELEC-O-TRONIC video cameras.
Touch anything while my back is turned and you may be electrocuted! In fact, you WILL be electrocuted.
And Merry Christmas to you! If you're collecting for something, I've already given.
I remember distinctly - "Victory Over Japan" celebrations.
I told them not to think I was doing it every time a war ended! We're not collecting, Auntie Wainwright.
This is Cleggie.
He lives next door to your Howard.
And this is Seymour.
I don't play any favourites.
Everyone's welcome so long as they'e not collecting.
Now, what can I sell you? It's him! Wha? It's him.
We're just spectators.
Absolutely! That's not stopping you enjoying the benefits of my electricity! It's a bit dark round here! Dark?! It's never dark! People don't want their eyes burning out.
They want nice subdued lighting.
What are you after? A Christmas present.
You're in the right place.
Now you want something antique.
It can only appreciate in value.
It'serfor a lady friend.
Oh! I've got JUST the thing.
Now Why don't you surprise her with this inlaid mahogany wardrobe? I don't want one.
You haven't had a look yet.
I don't want a wardrobe! What about your friends? If you're going to be difficult, we'll see what else we've got.
(I'll be up in the bedroom window, lovey.
You cycle past and I'll get your present handed over to you.
) (I know it will be risky, precious.
But I'd risk anything for you.
) Oh, it's YOU, love! Why are you standing here looking guilty? And don't lie.
It won't look convincing.
Why are you on the stairs? I quite like stairs.
I often think they're very undervalued - stairs.
I told you! I knew it! The only one who hasn't bought anything yet is HIM! For a person of casual habits, you're hard to please.
Because I didn't buy a wardrobe? Your friends didn't want what they bought, but they bought it! I wanted something for a lady - something delicate something femifeminini.
Wellhow about a SMALL wardrobe? I don't want a wardrobe.
I can't AFFORD a wardrobe.
That's a reason I CAN understand.
You only had to say so! Nowt to be ashamed of in poverty.
But I don't like it wasting my time! Something for a lady Does she play hockey? She don't play football, either.
Little touch of sarcasm, eh? That's going to put a few bob on your purchase price(!) There must be something for a lady.
Oh, you're not telling me I haven't got something for a lady? It's a Nora Batty hat! It's definitely a Nora Batty hat! Cheeky! Ey up! It's raining! Ey up! What's he doing wearing a hat like that? It WAS a hat like that! Now, it's a hat like THIS! It'll dry.
That's what they told my Uncle Ned! It'll suit you better wet.
It goes with your wellies.
Give it here! Oh! Clever Howard! Howard? CRASHING AND CLATTERING I keep telling you! It'll dry! We'll dry it back at Cleggs.
It will be as good as new.
It's like a drownded ferret! Speaking of drownded ferrets! Ey up! That's Marina! She looks as though she's had a Merry Christmas already.
They should ban office parties.
Nothing but trouble comes from Christmas office parties.
'Ow do, Marina? I can't stop in this condition.
What must you think of a person in this condition? I can only promise you it was entirely innocent! Just a slight miscalculation on the bicycle! Hey! I think a party's a good idea.
You're no good stuck at home on your own.
I find I still bake for two.
I'm just the same.
It's not easy to change the ingredients after so long.
Still baking for three, really! He ate enough for two! So could mine! I know he never looked like he could.
He made me feel so ashamed.
You'd see him creeping about looking under-nourished, and only I knew he'd just walloped down a plateful fit to bust a navvy! Aye, he could eat! I saw it in this cafe.
Then he'd go wandering round giving people the impression that I never fed him.
I find I throw more stuff out for the birds these days.
I don't know why I bake at all! You've got to keep going.
Baking for husbands that are no longer there? Yes.
Definitely.
As long as you CAN keep going.
He never caught me sitting much when he was alive.
If he's watching, I'm damned if he's going to think it's been a holiday since he went! You can't see Barry for buns! How many have you got?! Enough for everybody.
The vicar can have what's left over.
He may not be sound on all his 39 Articles but he knows his buns! Mrs Hemmingway offered but I talked her out of it.
Her pastry isn't very light! - These are light.
- She thought HERS were light! There'll be enough mouths that won't notice the difference! I would! No-one's ever criticised my pastry.
Barry didn't! I only had a couple! I thought, "Have a bun, Barry.
Make a decision! "You've read a lot.
Who else knows the distance in nautical miles to Venus? "Or the chemical composition of hair?" Don't just stand there cuddling buns, Barry! - HE likes my buns.
- The young are impetuous! ^ Barry's not impetuous.
He's steady, aren't you, Barry? ^ If he were steadier, he'd stop! Where shall I put them? ^ With the others would be nice, Barry! We'll see you later.
I'm taking him home to get this oil off his suit! Have a word with him.
It's not nice to discuss the chemical composition of hair in mixed company.
Mother! I'll see you later.
She handles him well for a young woman.
I don't think she fancied handling him in that condition! It's a good sign when they're covered in oil and such substances.
It means they don't plan to go places where they daren't leave fingerprints! Oh! Thank you.
Ta! Does tha think she'll like it? Of course! It's a splendid hat! It has a touch of summer to it.
It's been a wet summer.
Shut up! Ah! If she wears her summer pinny with it, she'll look a picture! I think I've seen the picture.
It was said to be unsuitable for nervous people! KNOCK ON DOOR I wonder who THAT can be(!) Good god! The phantom fisherman! I'm sorry to disturb you, but it's an emergency.
I've seen thee on a label on a sardine tin! Do we know this shipwrecked person? It's ME! Howard from next door! Why are you dressed up like that? It's a long story.
I told Pearl I'm interested in fishing.
I've got to make it convincing.
You've convinced me, Howard! I've got to go.
Will you look after this? It's Marina's present.
I can't leave it where Pearl might find it.
Howard! Where are you, Howard? Are you in there, Howard? Oh! Have you seen a small lunatic in big boots? There he is! Pearl, love! I was just asking these people if they'd like to go fishing.
Tonight?! No, love.
Sometime in January.
Next Sunday.
When it's summer.
That often?! Oh, yes.
It's a still life.
Mistletoe in bottle on .
.
Mount Fuji.
Are you going to be dressed up like that all over Christmas? What a treat! I was just trying to rekindle the excitement of fishing, love.
If you do, it'll be the first excitement you've kindled for years! I wonder what he's bought her.
Never mind.
You've got a present.
Present! Arghhh! My present! It's burning! Ohhh! Oh, dear! It's a burnt offering! GENERAL CHATTER AND MERRIMENT Well, well, well! No present for Nora Batty! But we will testify that you tried! You should have brushed off the burnt bits! I couldn't give her a tatty hat like that! It's exactly the kind she wears.
It were beyond all hope! Yes, the very kind! No.
I'm not going to insult her with something old and tatty! In that case, she won't like YOU! Do I look old and tatty, Norm? Why are you worried so suddenly? You've been old and tatty for years.
Of course I have! I keep forgetting! Hey! Er Hey! Don't worry.
I'll get thee a replacement when tha needs it! Don't come near me with mistletoe! Keep him and the mistletoe away! For me? Of course! I wouldn't forget thee on Christmas Eve.
You see! He can be thoughtful when he wants! You shouldn't have! What is it? Open it! I don't know what to say! Don't say anything, love.
Just enjoy it and think of me! I didn't know! THUD That's better than mistletoe!