Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s12e03 Episode Script
The Charity Balls
It is! It's Nora Batty.
I knew it.
I saw this vision of loveliness pass the shop and I said to myself, "Ho ho! That is my true love, Nora Batty.
" Get off home, ye daft devil.
Shouting in the streets! You want locking up.
Aye, in your bedroom and throw away the key! I'd throw away more than that.
That's the best offer tha'll get today.
Stop making a fool of yourself.
It reflects on other people.
And stand properly.
Chest out.
I'm more the backside out type.
I'll second that.
I were only saying hello to Nora.
At the top of your voice.
He gets no better.
Why do people say at the top of your voice? Never the middle of your voice.
"Come here", he said, at the middle of his voice.
He will get better, now he's in capable hands.
I just wish he'd stand properly.
Somehow it offends me deep down in Queens Regulations.
Why don't you press this sometime? I would if I could get close enough to Nora Batty.
What does he see in Nora Batty? She terrifies me.
Me too.
I can't serve her.
I have to fetch the wife.
I'd come to a crossroads in life.
It was Nora Batty or Joan Crawford, and I'd never lived next door to Joan Crawford.
So, you chose a practical solution.
I thought so.
There were also this possibility that Nora Batty had better legs.
Better legs?! Who knows the secrets held beneath those wrinkles? The wrinkles are a disguise? There is that possibility, Norman.
You're out of your tiny mind.
There is also THAT possibility.
Come along.
Don't lag behind.
Listen, Prunella.
Tha's got legs twice the size of a normal human.
It's not my idea of heaven going walkies with a giraffe.
What IS your idea of heaven? It'd have to be a Free House for a start.
Get a move on! If I move any faster my Y-fronts will start smouldering! I don't want to think about that.
Can you imagine what that would do to the Greenhouse Effect? What's all the gallop for, anyroad? Where are we going? Nowhere.
It's all a question of fitness.
COMPO AND CLEGG: Oh, fitness! I suppose you think that's funny.
I spend time and effort trying to get you up to military standard.
I let you see my magnetic compass.
I don't ask for applause.
Just a littleappreciation.
My time with you is voluntary.
I could run a karate class and earn good money.
Teaching a few selected pupils the art of silent killing.
Tha's killing me.
And I wish tha'd be silent.
You know why you didn't enjoy our little exercise? Aye, because I'm knackered.
Exactly, because you're not fit.
Don't underestimate being not fit.
We're not your average "not fit".
After years of practice, we're at a peak of non-fitness.
You'd think I was driving you hard.
I'm making every allowance for your civilian status.
Not walking you far.
Putting you through none of the difficult military manoeuvres.
Shoulder arms! One-two-three.
One-two-three.
Present arms! One-two-three.
One-two-three-one.
Shoulder arms! One-two-three-one.
Party will retire! About turn! One-two-three.
One-two-three-one.
Quick march! I suppose you think that is funny.
They do.
They think that's funny.
Never any praise for things I do superbly.
How many other people do you know can name the parts of a Bren gun? Hey, it's Jack Harry.
He's on a trouser diet.
How come he's dressed like that? And him working in a greengrocer's.
Would you like seeing him handle your mange-tout dressed like that? Maybe that's how it is in greengrocer's.
Nobody cares what goes on in the back shop as long as they're tidy above the counter.
It's for charity! I think that's nice, giving his trousers for charity.
I'm entering the sponsored dribble.
He's going to dribble his tea.
He's going to be outclassed if you're here.
I'm going to dribble a football.
Meself and a partner.
We have to see how far we can go dribbling a ball between us.
For charity.
I wish you could do it wearing your trousers.
Footballers don't wear trousers.
Well, get your knees away from my other customers.
If anything depresses the appetite it's the sight of unweathered masculine knees.
Sit thaself down, Jack Harry.
And tuck thaself away.
Nothing wrong with wearing shorts.
I mean, we wore shorts all the time out East.
Very sensible garment.
I bet tha looked a right tulip! Not wearing the right accessories.
A crisply ironed shirt and a rifle and bayonet.
Who's your partner, Jack Harry? You don't HAVE to go to the dribble, love.
It'll be a pleasure.
Just to see the smile on the onlookers' faces.
You'll be a big hit.
They'll want an encore.
You want to check up on me.
But I've told you, my partner's Jack Harry Teesdale.
It'd better be.
You needn't think you're off dribbling with Marina, charity or no charity.
SLURPS NOISILY Fancy going for a sponsored dribble! Where do they find all these barmpots? It isn't very difficult around here.
They keep putting this stuff in the water.
They'll get in a tangle.
They won't know who's kicking whose ball.
We don't all start at once.
We can start from anywhere, in pairs, at any time.
We can pick our own route.
Fine if they're gentlemen, but suppose they cheat? A responsible person supervises every pair.
He goes with them, and testifies how many miles they've actually done.
So there's two players under the supervision of a "responsible person"? Yes, well, that's good thinking.
Look the other way, son.
I'm not doing it.
It's for charity, man.
NO! We haven't got a ball.
I always make a point of not having a ball.
Right! Well I think we'll start from here.
Right.
That man, over there.
You, stay where you are.
Now, when I give the signal, you pass the ball to Clegg.
Then what? Well, Clegg passes it back to you.
I'm going to be sick! Right.
On my signal.
Begin.
Oh, a bit harder than that.
Put some energy into it.
Get a bit of boot behind it.
Thanks.
Always a pleasure to be of service to the sporting fraternity.
Why do they have a football to collect money for charity? We always used to use a tin.
They're all weird.
My Barry isn't weird.
If he's not, that's weird as it is.
You can rely on it, they're weird.
It just hasn't started to show, yet.
You just get used to that, and they start with a mid-life crisis.
You spoil your Barry.
In what way do I spoil my Barry? By letting him go sprawling over your best three piece suite.
I keep your father in the kitchen.
That's where THEY should be.
But I still put newspapers down.
Barry works in a Building Society.
He doesn't come home in a state.
You're still making a rod for your own back.
They're so untidy the way they sprawl over three piece suites.
I wish that were all mine wanted to sprawl over! How is your Howard? You know how he is.
He's short and crafty.
Whenever you meet him he's always polite.
They're the worst kind.
They need a clear conscience before they feel they can be rude.
Did you ever threaten to leave? Once.
What happened? He broke down completely.
Started packing my suitcase! They can't pack.
Never know how to pack a suitcase.
Come along.
Come along.
Move it.
Move it! Here! Oh! I get sick.
Some people get bright rosy cheeks, but me, I get sick.
Where's the other one? We're one short.
Are you sure these are proper football shorts? Of course.
I've had them for years.
They come above the knee.
These come just above the ankle.
You do your damnedest to keep them free from draughts and all they do is complain! Jack Harry, how did you get involved in this? How do you think? The wife! How did you? Erthe wife.
"Do something for charity" she said.
Mine thinks I need the exercise.
Pearl thinks I get enough exercise.
CAR HORN SOUNDS Yes.
Right, well, this'll do.
And no more mishaps.
Wait for my signal.
Like we did the last time? That's right.
Go on.
Blame me.
Ah, yes.
Right.
That man, you wait here with the ball.
Couldn't we just walk along and tap it between us? No, no.
If we're going to do this let's do it with a bit of style.
Right.
You, over here.
Right.
Now, on my signal.
Begin.
Control it, man.
Control it.
Good boy.
Stay there.
Stay there Get off.
Get offDown boy! Cost me £5.
99, that.
But did you see how I dominated it? It's in the eyes, you know.
If you catch its attention long enough to look in its eyes.
All in thy eyes was panic.
Go on, then.
I give up.
Who are you supposed to be? Look, less of this jaw, eh.
Pull us three pints and three large whiskies to go wi' em.
One thing I can't do, is dribble on an empty stomach.
Can you afford three whiskies? No, but you can.
YOU'RE the responsible person.
We all heard thee say it.
I think he'd rather be bitten by a terrier! DOG YELPS NOISILY Woof! Woo-oo-oof! Are you sure you want to go? It's not that I WANT to.
I can't leave him out of sight too long.
I like him to think he's always under surveillance.
Very wise.
It might be if we were walking.
I'm not sure about being driven! Do you want ME to drive, mother? No, I don't.
Your father thinks I don't get enough practice.
It does that.
I've noticed before, it does that.
Put your clutch in.
It's that pedal, there.
I know which pedal it is.
That's the brake.
Your father's been moving them.
I wish he'd leave things alone.
I'm not usually a nervous passenger.
Except once during the war when I got a lift from a serviceman.
CAR STARTS SUDDENLY I think this'll be twice.
Ohhh!Oh!Oh! Oh!It's my ankle.
Oh, it's agony.
It's no good, I've twisted my ankle.
It looks to me like a twisted ankle.
I'll get you back to town.
No, no! No, I'll just limp to that little van over there and get my leg up for half an hour.
HOWARD: Oh!Ohhh! You needn't come with us all the way, Eli.
Oh, I don't mind.
It's for charity.
Come here.
Come here.
You know, I think that dog is getting bigger.
It's only a Jack Russell! Well, its mouth is bigger.
Don't worry, he's only interested in the ball.
It's not a footballer, it's a footbiter.
Norman, stop worrying.
You're safe out here.
Who was that mad fool? I'll be a witness if they want a description.
That were Nora Batty.
I were nearly run down by Nora Batty.
Lucky me! I tell you what we'll do.
Apply some tactical thinking.
We'll move OFF the roads.
We'll do a few miles, but nobody said we had to do it on the roads.
Right.
Come along, you men.
Cross-country! Injured in the name of charity.
He's so brave.
The pain's terrible, but I'm putting a brave face on it.
You can leave him with me, now.
I'll see to him, now.
Will he be alright? I think he'll be more than alright.
What am I going to do without a partner? You'll have to dribble yourself.
No, that's no good.
Oh well, that's it then, innit? That's put paid to the sponsored dribbling.
Back off home now, eh? Not so fast.
You don't give in that easily.
It's all right by me if we give in that easily.
I'm not creeping home admitting defeat.
No, no.
We'll find some way.
Let's look at this logically.
Who can we say was to blame? I mean, who was it kicked the ball into the water? I'm not going into the water.
I AM NOT going into the water! Don't work yourself into a frenzy.
Leave it to Dewhurst.
There's no necessity for ANYONE to go into the water.
That's a damned silly place to leave your Land Rover.
Where's Howard? He's having first aid.
First aid? You could call it that.
Don't worry.
He's in trained hands.
The way she was handling him, Marina seemed very competent.
He's made a wonderful recovery! You see, no need at all for anyone to go into the water.
As you move out towards the end of the branch, it will dip towards the water.
Then you can retrieve the ball.
How do I keep hold of the ball AND the bra-a-nch? Just leave it with me.
We'll worry about that later.
Hold on tight! I AM holding on tight.
It scrapes your knees.
I solve your problems for you but all you can do is complain.
BRANCH GROANS Hey up! What's the matter now? The branch is bending.
Of course it's bending.
That is the whole idea.
His idea, you'll notice, not yours.
He'll be all right.
Go along.
Keep moving.
I'm going to fall! No, you're not.
It's just imagination.
I'm pointing downhill now.
Yes, well, that's good.
Downhill is where the ball is.
A few more inches ought to do it.
I can't! Brandy! Come on, Brandy, wherever you are.
Oh, stop messing about.
Brandy! Ah.
Excuse me, have you seen a little dog about here? There's no need to get nasty about it, anyway.
Come on.
We can't be here all day.
Just another two inches.
Oh-hh-hh! Perhaps not two inches.
Try one inch.
Well, get the ball.
Get the BALL! Now throw the ball.
He's like a little child.
You have to spell it out to him Ha, ha.
I've found her.
Ha, ha, ha.
I knew it.
I saw this vision of loveliness pass the shop and I said to myself, "Ho ho! That is my true love, Nora Batty.
" Get off home, ye daft devil.
Shouting in the streets! You want locking up.
Aye, in your bedroom and throw away the key! I'd throw away more than that.
That's the best offer tha'll get today.
Stop making a fool of yourself.
It reflects on other people.
And stand properly.
Chest out.
I'm more the backside out type.
I'll second that.
I were only saying hello to Nora.
At the top of your voice.
He gets no better.
Why do people say at the top of your voice? Never the middle of your voice.
"Come here", he said, at the middle of his voice.
He will get better, now he's in capable hands.
I just wish he'd stand properly.
Somehow it offends me deep down in Queens Regulations.
Why don't you press this sometime? I would if I could get close enough to Nora Batty.
What does he see in Nora Batty? She terrifies me.
Me too.
I can't serve her.
I have to fetch the wife.
I'd come to a crossroads in life.
It was Nora Batty or Joan Crawford, and I'd never lived next door to Joan Crawford.
So, you chose a practical solution.
I thought so.
There were also this possibility that Nora Batty had better legs.
Better legs?! Who knows the secrets held beneath those wrinkles? The wrinkles are a disguise? There is that possibility, Norman.
You're out of your tiny mind.
There is also THAT possibility.
Come along.
Don't lag behind.
Listen, Prunella.
Tha's got legs twice the size of a normal human.
It's not my idea of heaven going walkies with a giraffe.
What IS your idea of heaven? It'd have to be a Free House for a start.
Get a move on! If I move any faster my Y-fronts will start smouldering! I don't want to think about that.
Can you imagine what that would do to the Greenhouse Effect? What's all the gallop for, anyroad? Where are we going? Nowhere.
It's all a question of fitness.
COMPO AND CLEGG: Oh, fitness! I suppose you think that's funny.
I spend time and effort trying to get you up to military standard.
I let you see my magnetic compass.
I don't ask for applause.
Just a littleappreciation.
My time with you is voluntary.
I could run a karate class and earn good money.
Teaching a few selected pupils the art of silent killing.
Tha's killing me.
And I wish tha'd be silent.
You know why you didn't enjoy our little exercise? Aye, because I'm knackered.
Exactly, because you're not fit.
Don't underestimate being not fit.
We're not your average "not fit".
After years of practice, we're at a peak of non-fitness.
You'd think I was driving you hard.
I'm making every allowance for your civilian status.
Not walking you far.
Putting you through none of the difficult military manoeuvres.
Shoulder arms! One-two-three.
One-two-three.
Present arms! One-two-three.
One-two-three-one.
Shoulder arms! One-two-three-one.
Party will retire! About turn! One-two-three.
One-two-three-one.
Quick march! I suppose you think that is funny.
They do.
They think that's funny.
Never any praise for things I do superbly.
How many other people do you know can name the parts of a Bren gun? Hey, it's Jack Harry.
He's on a trouser diet.
How come he's dressed like that? And him working in a greengrocer's.
Would you like seeing him handle your mange-tout dressed like that? Maybe that's how it is in greengrocer's.
Nobody cares what goes on in the back shop as long as they're tidy above the counter.
It's for charity! I think that's nice, giving his trousers for charity.
I'm entering the sponsored dribble.
He's going to dribble his tea.
He's going to be outclassed if you're here.
I'm going to dribble a football.
Meself and a partner.
We have to see how far we can go dribbling a ball between us.
For charity.
I wish you could do it wearing your trousers.
Footballers don't wear trousers.
Well, get your knees away from my other customers.
If anything depresses the appetite it's the sight of unweathered masculine knees.
Sit thaself down, Jack Harry.
And tuck thaself away.
Nothing wrong with wearing shorts.
I mean, we wore shorts all the time out East.
Very sensible garment.
I bet tha looked a right tulip! Not wearing the right accessories.
A crisply ironed shirt and a rifle and bayonet.
Who's your partner, Jack Harry? You don't HAVE to go to the dribble, love.
It'll be a pleasure.
Just to see the smile on the onlookers' faces.
You'll be a big hit.
They'll want an encore.
You want to check up on me.
But I've told you, my partner's Jack Harry Teesdale.
It'd better be.
You needn't think you're off dribbling with Marina, charity or no charity.
SLURPS NOISILY Fancy going for a sponsored dribble! Where do they find all these barmpots? It isn't very difficult around here.
They keep putting this stuff in the water.
They'll get in a tangle.
They won't know who's kicking whose ball.
We don't all start at once.
We can start from anywhere, in pairs, at any time.
We can pick our own route.
Fine if they're gentlemen, but suppose they cheat? A responsible person supervises every pair.
He goes with them, and testifies how many miles they've actually done.
So there's two players under the supervision of a "responsible person"? Yes, well, that's good thinking.
Look the other way, son.
I'm not doing it.
It's for charity, man.
NO! We haven't got a ball.
I always make a point of not having a ball.
Right! Well I think we'll start from here.
Right.
That man, over there.
You, stay where you are.
Now, when I give the signal, you pass the ball to Clegg.
Then what? Well, Clegg passes it back to you.
I'm going to be sick! Right.
On my signal.
Begin.
Oh, a bit harder than that.
Put some energy into it.
Get a bit of boot behind it.
Thanks.
Always a pleasure to be of service to the sporting fraternity.
Why do they have a football to collect money for charity? We always used to use a tin.
They're all weird.
My Barry isn't weird.
If he's not, that's weird as it is.
You can rely on it, they're weird.
It just hasn't started to show, yet.
You just get used to that, and they start with a mid-life crisis.
You spoil your Barry.
In what way do I spoil my Barry? By letting him go sprawling over your best three piece suite.
I keep your father in the kitchen.
That's where THEY should be.
But I still put newspapers down.
Barry works in a Building Society.
He doesn't come home in a state.
You're still making a rod for your own back.
They're so untidy the way they sprawl over three piece suites.
I wish that were all mine wanted to sprawl over! How is your Howard? You know how he is.
He's short and crafty.
Whenever you meet him he's always polite.
They're the worst kind.
They need a clear conscience before they feel they can be rude.
Did you ever threaten to leave? Once.
What happened? He broke down completely.
Started packing my suitcase! They can't pack.
Never know how to pack a suitcase.
Come along.
Come along.
Move it.
Move it! Here! Oh! I get sick.
Some people get bright rosy cheeks, but me, I get sick.
Where's the other one? We're one short.
Are you sure these are proper football shorts? Of course.
I've had them for years.
They come above the knee.
These come just above the ankle.
You do your damnedest to keep them free from draughts and all they do is complain! Jack Harry, how did you get involved in this? How do you think? The wife! How did you? Erthe wife.
"Do something for charity" she said.
Mine thinks I need the exercise.
Pearl thinks I get enough exercise.
CAR HORN SOUNDS Yes.
Right, well, this'll do.
And no more mishaps.
Wait for my signal.
Like we did the last time? That's right.
Go on.
Blame me.
Ah, yes.
Right.
That man, you wait here with the ball.
Couldn't we just walk along and tap it between us? No, no.
If we're going to do this let's do it with a bit of style.
Right.
You, over here.
Right.
Now, on my signal.
Begin.
Control it, man.
Control it.
Good boy.
Stay there.
Stay there Get off.
Get offDown boy! Cost me £5.
99, that.
But did you see how I dominated it? It's in the eyes, you know.
If you catch its attention long enough to look in its eyes.
All in thy eyes was panic.
Go on, then.
I give up.
Who are you supposed to be? Look, less of this jaw, eh.
Pull us three pints and three large whiskies to go wi' em.
One thing I can't do, is dribble on an empty stomach.
Can you afford three whiskies? No, but you can.
YOU'RE the responsible person.
We all heard thee say it.
I think he'd rather be bitten by a terrier! DOG YELPS NOISILY Woof! Woo-oo-oof! Are you sure you want to go? It's not that I WANT to.
I can't leave him out of sight too long.
I like him to think he's always under surveillance.
Very wise.
It might be if we were walking.
I'm not sure about being driven! Do you want ME to drive, mother? No, I don't.
Your father thinks I don't get enough practice.
It does that.
I've noticed before, it does that.
Put your clutch in.
It's that pedal, there.
I know which pedal it is.
That's the brake.
Your father's been moving them.
I wish he'd leave things alone.
I'm not usually a nervous passenger.
Except once during the war when I got a lift from a serviceman.
CAR STARTS SUDDENLY I think this'll be twice.
Ohhh!Oh!Oh! Oh!It's my ankle.
Oh, it's agony.
It's no good, I've twisted my ankle.
It looks to me like a twisted ankle.
I'll get you back to town.
No, no! No, I'll just limp to that little van over there and get my leg up for half an hour.
HOWARD: Oh!Ohhh! You needn't come with us all the way, Eli.
Oh, I don't mind.
It's for charity.
Come here.
Come here.
You know, I think that dog is getting bigger.
It's only a Jack Russell! Well, its mouth is bigger.
Don't worry, he's only interested in the ball.
It's not a footballer, it's a footbiter.
Norman, stop worrying.
You're safe out here.
Who was that mad fool? I'll be a witness if they want a description.
That were Nora Batty.
I were nearly run down by Nora Batty.
Lucky me! I tell you what we'll do.
Apply some tactical thinking.
We'll move OFF the roads.
We'll do a few miles, but nobody said we had to do it on the roads.
Right.
Come along, you men.
Cross-country! Injured in the name of charity.
He's so brave.
The pain's terrible, but I'm putting a brave face on it.
You can leave him with me, now.
I'll see to him, now.
Will he be alright? I think he'll be more than alright.
What am I going to do without a partner? You'll have to dribble yourself.
No, that's no good.
Oh well, that's it then, innit? That's put paid to the sponsored dribbling.
Back off home now, eh? Not so fast.
You don't give in that easily.
It's all right by me if we give in that easily.
I'm not creeping home admitting defeat.
No, no.
We'll find some way.
Let's look at this logically.
Who can we say was to blame? I mean, who was it kicked the ball into the water? I'm not going into the water.
I AM NOT going into the water! Don't work yourself into a frenzy.
Leave it to Dewhurst.
There's no necessity for ANYONE to go into the water.
That's a damned silly place to leave your Land Rover.
Where's Howard? He's having first aid.
First aid? You could call it that.
Don't worry.
He's in trained hands.
The way she was handling him, Marina seemed very competent.
He's made a wonderful recovery! You see, no need at all for anyone to go into the water.
As you move out towards the end of the branch, it will dip towards the water.
Then you can retrieve the ball.
How do I keep hold of the ball AND the bra-a-nch? Just leave it with me.
We'll worry about that later.
Hold on tight! I AM holding on tight.
It scrapes your knees.
I solve your problems for you but all you can do is complain.
BRANCH GROANS Hey up! What's the matter now? The branch is bending.
Of course it's bending.
That is the whole idea.
His idea, you'll notice, not yours.
He'll be all right.
Go along.
Keep moving.
I'm going to fall! No, you're not.
It's just imagination.
I'm pointing downhill now.
Yes, well, that's good.
Downhill is where the ball is.
A few more inches ought to do it.
I can't! Brandy! Come on, Brandy, wherever you are.
Oh, stop messing about.
Brandy! Ah.
Excuse me, have you seen a little dog about here? There's no need to get nasty about it, anyway.
Come on.
We can't be here all day.
Just another two inches.
Oh-hh-hh! Perhaps not two inches.
Try one inch.
Well, get the ball.
Get the BALL! Now throw the ball.
He's like a little child.
You have to spell it out to him Ha, ha.
I've found her.
Ha, ha, ha.