Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s12e07 Episode Script
The Empire That Foggy Nearly Built
Clegg's quiet.
What are you thinking about, Clegg? I was wondering why oranges are round, and bananas are cucumber-shaped.
Serves thee right for asking.
Trouble is, Nora's starting to take me for granted.
I'm always there - she's got used to me.
Now she's started to look upon me as just the bloke next door.
She's overlooking the basic sex appeal.
You're becoming too familiar.
He's too familiar with everyone.
You're right, Norm.
I've got to surprise her.
When you do she only thumps you.
I mean a nice surprise.
Don't tell me you're gonna mend your trousers! There's no poetry in tha soul.
I don't know - he always admires a finely polished bayonet.
I do! There's nothing like the gleam of a finely polished bayonet.
And you know, there's a spiritual side to the karate chop.
I like a Barnsley chop, with onions and a few chips.
And how are you going to surprise Nora Batty? I'm working on that, Norm.
Well, I think it's wonderful.
The richness of the human spirit.
To think that you can get to your age and still go on acting like a total idiot! It's a gift! Come on, now.
I was here first! Look at it! Fighting over a parking space.
How childish can you get? It's the sort of behaviour that should be left in the playground.
Stay out of it, Foggy.
Nonsense! They're in need of a referee.
Well, we'll see you at the caff, Foggy.
Yes, very well.
This won't take a minute.
MEN ARGUE Will you men Good grief! What sort of behaviour is this? Ey up, Howard! What's tha doing with this other woman? We've been to get me glasses changed.
Life's all go, isn't it, eh(?) You have! You've gone quite white! It's only since I met you.
There's Pearl looking very tasty in a scary sort of way.
There's something missing.
It's the third idiot.
Where is he? He'll be along in a minute.
He's just found somewhere to poke his nose in.
That'll be a treat for somebody(!) Do you think I could stop here No.
You've got housework to do.
I've got housework to do.
Happy home-making, Howard! Ey up, Ivy! It's me - the pretty one.
Oh Would you take that as a criticism, Norm? Sounds reasonable.
She's just playing hard to get.
As fierce as she is, she is hard to get! I know but I can't resist a challenge.
If I weren't spoken for by Nora Batty, thee and me could make lovely music OH! .
.
together.
But not in that key.
What do you want? Or have you popped in to annoy me? Three teas, three sticky buns, one kiss and a cuddle on the house.
Kisses and cuddles are off! Three teas? He'll be along in a minute.
Something else to look forward to! Ivy, as a woman of experience Who said that?! If I get to know who said that I'll sue! All I want is a bit of advice.
Oh, you want some advice? Watch your mouth.
Sounds good advice to me.
Ivy all I want to know is how to get through to Nora Batty.
Supposing a bloke was after thee.
No need to say it like that.
It has been known.
You're on very dangerous ground.
But what's a fellow got to do to impress thee? Well, I wouldn't want any of them sudden attacks you specialise in.
No girl likes being rushed.
Then what does she like? Flowerschampagne.
Champagne! I should stick to sudden attacks.
What the blood and stomach pills? Well! I've seen some weird stuff dumped in litter bins.
Could you two lend a hand instead of finding it very amusing? It's a man-eating litter bin! What happened? I was refereeing an argument between two motorists when they turned on me without the slightest provocation.
I think it suits thee, Foggy! Get me out! Come on.
We'll have to cut you out.
Well, you're not using my tin-opener! This is a job for Wesley.
We'll get thee to Wesley.
I can't walk there looking like this! All right, wear this plastic mac.
When do men settle down? Oh, eventually.
Another biscuit? We've only just finished listening to the last one.
I like them crisp although they are inclined to make crumbs.
Speaking of crumbs, when do men settle down? How long is "eventually"? Oh, it's a long time.
That's one thing you can rely on.
It's a long time.
That's encouraging.
You might as well have the full facts.
If you're talking the full facts about men, I'd prefer our Glenda to go and do something useful in the kitchen.
Mother, I'm a married woman! Yes, love, but only to Barry.
That's like still being on a provisional licence.
We have our troubles.
What's them, then? You've never mentioned troubles to me.
You should always confide in your mother, love.
And selected friends.
But your Barry seems to be such a quiet sort.
Which sets you wondering for a start.
What's this trouble? Well .
.
some days he won't eat his muesli.
If that's your biggest trouble, you've got a gem there.
Does he drink a lot? No.
Does he chase after women? No.
Has he had a check-up lately? He gets one regularly at work.
A gem! You can spend a lifetime on some of them and not bring them to that condition.
Good gracious! What was he doing in there? You know Foggy - creature of impulse.
Woke up saying, "What can we do today that's different?" Tell him next time to get a larger size.
It's not a bad fit.
Straight off the peg.
It's not as if he had time for a fitting.
Amazing what amuses tiny minds.
Tha's got a lot of lip for a litter bin! There's no experience without educational value.
Except maybe waiting in the queue for the supermarket checkout.
Embarrassing as this situation was, it taught me something.
Not to poke tha nose in.
I think it's a lot like being dead.
Waiting at the checkout.
It didn't teach you how to get out of a litter bin.
You came to me.
Me arms were pinned! It's your jaw that needs pinning.
I think it was fate.
It were a litter bin.
It was destiny drawing my attention to something I'd overlooked.
Aye.
How to duck.
I wonder how many suicides are directly attributable to waiting at the supermarket checkout.
The ability to learn from things that go wrong distinguishes a man.
I've learned how desparate people are for parking spaces.
We've walked past this potential goldmine for years, never giving it a thought.
There you go, you see - parking spaces are like gold.
There's a considerable income for the person who provides them.
Yes, but we haven't got any.
Then we shall have to find some.
Sounds naff to me.
"Naff"? You won't think it's naff in about three years' time when our parking empire stretches from here tothe sky's the limit.
My only regret is I didn't think of it 20 years ago.
What's thou think of it, Norm? Pretty naff.
I told thee! I thought you wanted champagne for Nora Batty? Champagne! That's 40p, erno, say 50p for six hours No, no, say eight.
Eight hours.
Now that's Ye Gods! The potential's enormous.
It's enormous! How much does it add up to? Well, it could be hundreds of pounds.
Hundreds of pounds! Yeah.
Well, then, you've got all the money.
Your turn to buy a round.
Multi-millionaire! There'll be overheads, you know.
Overheads? Hmm.
He'll need a bigger purse.
Come on, you men.
Let's have a bit of energy, damn it.
It's not as if I'm leading you into trouble - I'm leading you into financial security.
Interesting, walking round a car park, in't it, Norm? Yes.
I like the way the cars just sort of sit there.
Hmm.
I like passing the red ones.
Yes, I know.
There's something very red about the red ones.
You see? Not a vacant space.
I wouldn't say that, Foggy.
Supply and demand.
Are we onto something, or are we onto something? A point of procedure, Foggy.
Yes.
I'm not one of your dictatorial managers.
I can listen to advice.
Well, it's just that we don't HAVE a multi-storey car park.
No, no, of course we don't.
Not for starters, no.
That's next year.
This year we find a few unused waste spaces.
How many more waste spaces? Well, they weren't suitable.
We have to find a suitable waste space.
How's it feel to be a parking millionaire, Norm? It makes your legs ache.
Well done, that man.
Not again! Just the chap we need.
My junior executives are flagging.
We need a lift.
Edie said How is Edie? Waiting.
That's good.
Come on.
This chap hasn't got all day.
Where to? Any old waste space, Wesley.
Could you narrow that down a bit? Some unused waste space.
I'm not sure I know any waste spaces.
I'm surprised, a chap like you.
Ought to keep your wits about you.
Drive on.
Ah, yes, it's ideal.
Absolutely ideal.
If we're tidy, we can get quite a few cars in here.
Tidy?! What the hell's tidy about this place? Look who's talking.
Clegg understands, Clegg sees the possibilities.
Well, it's a long way from the shops, Foggy.
I won't listen to these negative attitudes.
Edie's waiting.
We have got to start thinking positive! I am positive - Edie's waiting! Consider the advantages of this place.
What advantages? "What advantages?" he says.
Use your eyes, man.
We have got security and privacy.
One attendant can keep his eye on all the cars.
It's private! There's no-one here.
CRASH Mice.
Mice?! That sounded more like a buffalo.
Big mice.
Ey up, Howard.
Let's see thou talk tha way out of this one.
I, I, I had no idea you were interested in industrial ruins, too.
This lady and I have a common interest in industrial history.
Trouble is, it makes your hair so dusty.
Got to give him points for trying.
Well, we must be on our way.
A lot of history still to be covered.
What sort of sign? Well, something bright and clear.
It's got to be readable from a distance.
And from a moving car.
They'll be moving all right.
They won't park out there will they? Leave yourselves in my hands.
We'll overcome the little difficulties.
Yes, speaking personally, I usually under-come the little difficulties.
I'm much better at under-coming than overcoming.
You see how it is.
I have to provide the initiative for the entire enterprise.
Well, you've got a big enough gob for it.
I haven't the time for all this.
Wesley, you could be in at the start of a whole new enterprise.
You'll talk about this in years to come.
Edie will want to talk about it long before then.
I'm looking for someone who desperately needs a parking space.
Me for a start.
I'm on a yellow line! Only temporarily.
Go on, get in.
Let's have your money.
What happened? Well I know what happened! You scared him off! Look at you! You're too untidy to inspire confidence.
It's a long way, Foggy.
It's not that far, is it? I really You see! He's not bothered about the distance.
We, we really must get you some decent sort of uniform.
Nothing like a uniform for improving a person's appearance.
My cap's too big.
You want to be comfortable, don't you? You don't want it squeezing your head.
Wouldn't squeeze me shoulders.
You've got to wear it with a bit of style and swagger, you know.
Yes, now go and try that on Nora.
You know what she's like when she's busy.
Hates anyone ringing her bell.
But he'll make it up to her - he's going to buy her champagne.
When we get a few bob coming in.
A few bob? I'm going to buy her champagne.
He's right, it is too big.
She didn't seem very impressed.
Are you sure she recognised you? Try again.
Don't come round here ringing people's bells.
Oh, she did.
I think she recognised you.
You know where we went wrong? Everywhere springs to mind.
No, we didn't work out the idea thoroughly, you see.
We have to offer a fuller service - valet parking.
Valet parking?! Well, you've seen it on the films, haven't you? They do it in America.
People drive up to a restaurant, and they leave the car, and some fella drives it to the garage.
When they come out, they order the car and he drives it back again.
We are going to be the first in this area to introduce valet parking.
How am I going to drive a lot of different cars? You don't drive them all at once - one at a time! Basically, they're all the same.
I can never remember where all the buttons are.
You don't need them all, just the ones to drive it away.
They're the ones I forget most! Where are you going to park it? Ah, yes, you see.
Anywhere - the first free space you come to.
That's the beauty of this.
No overheads.
I hope it's a big space - I can never park in little spaces.
Here we go - customer.
Oh! You'll park the car? We will, sir.
Leave everything with us.
Boy? How much? 50p an hour, sir.
I'll just write you out this ticket with the time on it.
And then we can settle up on your return.
What about cash in advance? We don't know how long the gentleman will need to park.
You just tottle off into town, you know.
Leave everything with us.
When you're ready, just come back here.
It's automatic.
How lucky can you get? I've never driven an automatic.
You better find out how to quick.
You're double-parked.
Boy! Yes, well, er, he'll get better as the day goes on.
I just hope he's back in time for the next one.
I still say we should collect the money first.
We can't! A deposit.
We should We can't get a depos What's he doing coming round the block twice? He'll have taken a wrong turning.
That's it.
He'll soon get the hang of it.
You have to have a little confidence in people.
How little? What do you mean? I was wondering how little confidence you've got in him.
Cos here he comes again.
TYRES SQUEAL CRASH! So much for the parking business.
Well, if some damn fool is going to board a bus in a motor car! I had me mind set on champagne for Nora Batty.
What mind? Let's go for a drink.
You can take her home a bottle of stout.
I could do that, Norm.
She likes stout.
What are you thinking about, Clegg? I was wondering why oranges are round, and bananas are cucumber-shaped.
Serves thee right for asking.
Trouble is, Nora's starting to take me for granted.
I'm always there - she's got used to me.
Now she's started to look upon me as just the bloke next door.
She's overlooking the basic sex appeal.
You're becoming too familiar.
He's too familiar with everyone.
You're right, Norm.
I've got to surprise her.
When you do she only thumps you.
I mean a nice surprise.
Don't tell me you're gonna mend your trousers! There's no poetry in tha soul.
I don't know - he always admires a finely polished bayonet.
I do! There's nothing like the gleam of a finely polished bayonet.
And you know, there's a spiritual side to the karate chop.
I like a Barnsley chop, with onions and a few chips.
And how are you going to surprise Nora Batty? I'm working on that, Norm.
Well, I think it's wonderful.
The richness of the human spirit.
To think that you can get to your age and still go on acting like a total idiot! It's a gift! Come on, now.
I was here first! Look at it! Fighting over a parking space.
How childish can you get? It's the sort of behaviour that should be left in the playground.
Stay out of it, Foggy.
Nonsense! They're in need of a referee.
Well, we'll see you at the caff, Foggy.
Yes, very well.
This won't take a minute.
MEN ARGUE Will you men Good grief! What sort of behaviour is this? Ey up, Howard! What's tha doing with this other woman? We've been to get me glasses changed.
Life's all go, isn't it, eh(?) You have! You've gone quite white! It's only since I met you.
There's Pearl looking very tasty in a scary sort of way.
There's something missing.
It's the third idiot.
Where is he? He'll be along in a minute.
He's just found somewhere to poke his nose in.
That'll be a treat for somebody(!) Do you think I could stop here No.
You've got housework to do.
I've got housework to do.
Happy home-making, Howard! Ey up, Ivy! It's me - the pretty one.
Oh Would you take that as a criticism, Norm? Sounds reasonable.
She's just playing hard to get.
As fierce as she is, she is hard to get! I know but I can't resist a challenge.
If I weren't spoken for by Nora Batty, thee and me could make lovely music OH! .
.
together.
But not in that key.
What do you want? Or have you popped in to annoy me? Three teas, three sticky buns, one kiss and a cuddle on the house.
Kisses and cuddles are off! Three teas? He'll be along in a minute.
Something else to look forward to! Ivy, as a woman of experience Who said that?! If I get to know who said that I'll sue! All I want is a bit of advice.
Oh, you want some advice? Watch your mouth.
Sounds good advice to me.
Ivy all I want to know is how to get through to Nora Batty.
Supposing a bloke was after thee.
No need to say it like that.
It has been known.
You're on very dangerous ground.
But what's a fellow got to do to impress thee? Well, I wouldn't want any of them sudden attacks you specialise in.
No girl likes being rushed.
Then what does she like? Flowerschampagne.
Champagne! I should stick to sudden attacks.
What the blood and stomach pills? Well! I've seen some weird stuff dumped in litter bins.
Could you two lend a hand instead of finding it very amusing? It's a man-eating litter bin! What happened? I was refereeing an argument between two motorists when they turned on me without the slightest provocation.
I think it suits thee, Foggy! Get me out! Come on.
We'll have to cut you out.
Well, you're not using my tin-opener! This is a job for Wesley.
We'll get thee to Wesley.
I can't walk there looking like this! All right, wear this plastic mac.
When do men settle down? Oh, eventually.
Another biscuit? We've only just finished listening to the last one.
I like them crisp although they are inclined to make crumbs.
Speaking of crumbs, when do men settle down? How long is "eventually"? Oh, it's a long time.
That's one thing you can rely on.
It's a long time.
That's encouraging.
You might as well have the full facts.
If you're talking the full facts about men, I'd prefer our Glenda to go and do something useful in the kitchen.
Mother, I'm a married woman! Yes, love, but only to Barry.
That's like still being on a provisional licence.
We have our troubles.
What's them, then? You've never mentioned troubles to me.
You should always confide in your mother, love.
And selected friends.
But your Barry seems to be such a quiet sort.
Which sets you wondering for a start.
What's this trouble? Well .
.
some days he won't eat his muesli.
If that's your biggest trouble, you've got a gem there.
Does he drink a lot? No.
Does he chase after women? No.
Has he had a check-up lately? He gets one regularly at work.
A gem! You can spend a lifetime on some of them and not bring them to that condition.
Good gracious! What was he doing in there? You know Foggy - creature of impulse.
Woke up saying, "What can we do today that's different?" Tell him next time to get a larger size.
It's not a bad fit.
Straight off the peg.
It's not as if he had time for a fitting.
Amazing what amuses tiny minds.
Tha's got a lot of lip for a litter bin! There's no experience without educational value.
Except maybe waiting in the queue for the supermarket checkout.
Embarrassing as this situation was, it taught me something.
Not to poke tha nose in.
I think it's a lot like being dead.
Waiting at the checkout.
It didn't teach you how to get out of a litter bin.
You came to me.
Me arms were pinned! It's your jaw that needs pinning.
I think it was fate.
It were a litter bin.
It was destiny drawing my attention to something I'd overlooked.
Aye.
How to duck.
I wonder how many suicides are directly attributable to waiting at the supermarket checkout.
The ability to learn from things that go wrong distinguishes a man.
I've learned how desparate people are for parking spaces.
We've walked past this potential goldmine for years, never giving it a thought.
There you go, you see - parking spaces are like gold.
There's a considerable income for the person who provides them.
Yes, but we haven't got any.
Then we shall have to find some.
Sounds naff to me.
"Naff"? You won't think it's naff in about three years' time when our parking empire stretches from here tothe sky's the limit.
My only regret is I didn't think of it 20 years ago.
What's thou think of it, Norm? Pretty naff.
I told thee! I thought you wanted champagne for Nora Batty? Champagne! That's 40p, erno, say 50p for six hours No, no, say eight.
Eight hours.
Now that's Ye Gods! The potential's enormous.
It's enormous! How much does it add up to? Well, it could be hundreds of pounds.
Hundreds of pounds! Yeah.
Well, then, you've got all the money.
Your turn to buy a round.
Multi-millionaire! There'll be overheads, you know.
Overheads? Hmm.
He'll need a bigger purse.
Come on, you men.
Let's have a bit of energy, damn it.
It's not as if I'm leading you into trouble - I'm leading you into financial security.
Interesting, walking round a car park, in't it, Norm? Yes.
I like the way the cars just sort of sit there.
Hmm.
I like passing the red ones.
Yes, I know.
There's something very red about the red ones.
You see? Not a vacant space.
I wouldn't say that, Foggy.
Supply and demand.
Are we onto something, or are we onto something? A point of procedure, Foggy.
Yes.
I'm not one of your dictatorial managers.
I can listen to advice.
Well, it's just that we don't HAVE a multi-storey car park.
No, no, of course we don't.
Not for starters, no.
That's next year.
This year we find a few unused waste spaces.
How many more waste spaces? Well, they weren't suitable.
We have to find a suitable waste space.
How's it feel to be a parking millionaire, Norm? It makes your legs ache.
Well done, that man.
Not again! Just the chap we need.
My junior executives are flagging.
We need a lift.
Edie said How is Edie? Waiting.
That's good.
Come on.
This chap hasn't got all day.
Where to? Any old waste space, Wesley.
Could you narrow that down a bit? Some unused waste space.
I'm not sure I know any waste spaces.
I'm surprised, a chap like you.
Ought to keep your wits about you.
Drive on.
Ah, yes, it's ideal.
Absolutely ideal.
If we're tidy, we can get quite a few cars in here.
Tidy?! What the hell's tidy about this place? Look who's talking.
Clegg understands, Clegg sees the possibilities.
Well, it's a long way from the shops, Foggy.
I won't listen to these negative attitudes.
Edie's waiting.
We have got to start thinking positive! I am positive - Edie's waiting! Consider the advantages of this place.
What advantages? "What advantages?" he says.
Use your eyes, man.
We have got security and privacy.
One attendant can keep his eye on all the cars.
It's private! There's no-one here.
CRASH Mice.
Mice?! That sounded more like a buffalo.
Big mice.
Ey up, Howard.
Let's see thou talk tha way out of this one.
I, I, I had no idea you were interested in industrial ruins, too.
This lady and I have a common interest in industrial history.
Trouble is, it makes your hair so dusty.
Got to give him points for trying.
Well, we must be on our way.
A lot of history still to be covered.
What sort of sign? Well, something bright and clear.
It's got to be readable from a distance.
And from a moving car.
They'll be moving all right.
They won't park out there will they? Leave yourselves in my hands.
We'll overcome the little difficulties.
Yes, speaking personally, I usually under-come the little difficulties.
I'm much better at under-coming than overcoming.
You see how it is.
I have to provide the initiative for the entire enterprise.
Well, you've got a big enough gob for it.
I haven't the time for all this.
Wesley, you could be in at the start of a whole new enterprise.
You'll talk about this in years to come.
Edie will want to talk about it long before then.
I'm looking for someone who desperately needs a parking space.
Me for a start.
I'm on a yellow line! Only temporarily.
Go on, get in.
Let's have your money.
What happened? Well I know what happened! You scared him off! Look at you! You're too untidy to inspire confidence.
It's a long way, Foggy.
It's not that far, is it? I really You see! He's not bothered about the distance.
We, we really must get you some decent sort of uniform.
Nothing like a uniform for improving a person's appearance.
My cap's too big.
You want to be comfortable, don't you? You don't want it squeezing your head.
Wouldn't squeeze me shoulders.
You've got to wear it with a bit of style and swagger, you know.
Yes, now go and try that on Nora.
You know what she's like when she's busy.
Hates anyone ringing her bell.
But he'll make it up to her - he's going to buy her champagne.
When we get a few bob coming in.
A few bob? I'm going to buy her champagne.
He's right, it is too big.
She didn't seem very impressed.
Are you sure she recognised you? Try again.
Don't come round here ringing people's bells.
Oh, she did.
I think she recognised you.
You know where we went wrong? Everywhere springs to mind.
No, we didn't work out the idea thoroughly, you see.
We have to offer a fuller service - valet parking.
Valet parking?! Well, you've seen it on the films, haven't you? They do it in America.
People drive up to a restaurant, and they leave the car, and some fella drives it to the garage.
When they come out, they order the car and he drives it back again.
We are going to be the first in this area to introduce valet parking.
How am I going to drive a lot of different cars? You don't drive them all at once - one at a time! Basically, they're all the same.
I can never remember where all the buttons are.
You don't need them all, just the ones to drive it away.
They're the ones I forget most! Where are you going to park it? Ah, yes, you see.
Anywhere - the first free space you come to.
That's the beauty of this.
No overheads.
I hope it's a big space - I can never park in little spaces.
Here we go - customer.
Oh! You'll park the car? We will, sir.
Leave everything with us.
Boy? How much? 50p an hour, sir.
I'll just write you out this ticket with the time on it.
And then we can settle up on your return.
What about cash in advance? We don't know how long the gentleman will need to park.
You just tottle off into town, you know.
Leave everything with us.
When you're ready, just come back here.
It's automatic.
How lucky can you get? I've never driven an automatic.
You better find out how to quick.
You're double-parked.
Boy! Yes, well, er, he'll get better as the day goes on.
I just hope he's back in time for the next one.
I still say we should collect the money first.
We can't! A deposit.
We should We can't get a depos What's he doing coming round the block twice? He'll have taken a wrong turning.
That's it.
He'll soon get the hang of it.
You have to have a little confidence in people.
How little? What do you mean? I was wondering how little confidence you've got in him.
Cos here he comes again.
TYRES SQUEAL CRASH! So much for the parking business.
Well, if some damn fool is going to board a bus in a motor car! I had me mind set on champagne for Nora Batty.
What mind? Let's go for a drink.
You can take her home a bottle of stout.
I could do that, Norm.
She likes stout.