Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s12e11 Episode Script

Boxing Day?! Out here sweeping on Boxing Day?! Things still get mucky on Boxing Day.
I'm looking at thee through this bleary haze and I must say it's an improvement.
I wish you'd get a silencer on that brush.
You must have the loudest brush in Yorkshire! You look as if you could do with a good brush.
That's an offer I accept even though I'm not exactly A1 this morning, but seeing that it's Boxing Day I'm game if you are.
Get off inside and get some clothes on! You must have draughts reaching parts that no decent draught ought to reach.
Don't be hasty! Even with this hangover I can turn the Boxing Day into something magical.
Magical?! Tragical more like it.
Just look at you! Has nobody bought you some new underclothes for Christmas? Ooh! She's talking about me underpants! She certainly knows how to turn a fella on! Well there's some excuse for me - I live alone! Well there's some excuse for me - if I don't do it Pearl gets nasty.
That sounds like a better excuse than mine.
Pearl says shaking mats is a man's job.
I never thought of it as a man's job.
I can't say it ever made me feel like tackling Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I know what you mean.
Hey! Just because it's bank holiday it's not illegal to do some work.
Happy new year, Howard.
Happy new year.
You feel sorry for him, don't you? You know me, I feel sorry for everybody.
You doyou feel sorry for him.
Everybody feels sorry for him.
It's me.
I'm the heavy.
I'm the hard case.
So how come it's me he comes to when he wants his boil bathing? That's one of the most touching expressions of love I've heard.
Arnold Street, was it? You keep reading.
I'll tell you when we get there.
Thank you.
You have a good Christmas? Yes, thank you.
Best Christmas I ever had was ruined by a Japanese sniper.
We got him in the end, of course.
Wiped the old bayonet clean and back to the plum duff.
Plum duff! God it was hell in the jungle.
You couldn't get the custard.
Listen I don't want you to be alarmed if you hear a sudden loud noise.
It'll probably be just my personal bleeper.
Gives out a high-pitched tone when people call me.
Interesting book is it? I've almost forgotten.
We're not there yet.
I'll walk the rest of the way.
Good idea.
I'll walk with you.
We can match paces.
You try and keep in step.
Nothing like a good, brisk walk when you're all in step.
Does it hurt? It's magic, Cleggy.
Best cure for a hangover I know.
Are you sure you wouldn't rather have the hangover? There's nothing to it, Norm.
It's an old Indian remedy.
They call it "yogurt".
Where you sit cross-legged and contemplate your navel? That kind of yogurt? That's it! Thy's got it, Norm.
Indian yogurt.
I like it! Him and his damn bleeper! Who gives a toss about his bleeper?! All I wanted to do was read! Fat chance! A bleeper! A bleeper! Who needs a bleeper?! What's up with him? No idea.
Uh-oh.
It's all becoming clear! You'll never guess what I bought myself for Christmas.
BOTH: A bleeper! Who told you I'd got a bleeper? There's been a leak.
I'll have to tighten security round here.
How did you know I'd got a bleeper? Psychic.
It's him.
He does this Indian yogurt.
What's thy need with a bleeper? What do I need with a bleeper? I have to keep in touch.
In touch with what? Life! Actual emergencies.
You can't be out of touch with things.
I think one of the great joys of life is being out of touch with things.
Unless you're doing it for a living as a weather forecaster.
I feel it's my duty to make myself available for anyone who might need my advice.
Listen, Daisy, anybody who's daft enough to ask your advice'd never have the brains to dial your number in the first place.
Want a lift? It's only a hangover.
I'm not ready for that yet! Business must be bad if they're out picking up casual trade.
'Ey up, lads! How do you like her? Me Christmas present from me to me.
What's tha want with a hearse? Not gonna be a hearse for long.
Classic car is this.
She's a classic car.
Build a new body on this.
She's gonna be a gem! Shush! No, it's all right.
I'm sorry, I thought I heard my bleeper.
There's plenty of room in back.
I'm not getting in the back! You never know who's been in the back.
Hee-hee! I'll have a raspberry ripple and a choc ice.
Shop! Eee, back! There's something lurking under that far table.
What kind of a something? I only got a glimpse but it's weird.
It's big.
It's red.
And it moans.
MOANING I should have brought my ferret.
What's big and red and moans? A fire engine? How can it be a fire engine? Just a wild guess.
How long's it been here? Must have been here when I locked up last night.
Ohh! I see no reason to panic.
I can help you there if you're stuck for reasons.
Throw it something, see if it eats it.
No, let's approach this in a military manner.
You two men go and see what it is.
That's not a military manner! Hold the water, Nobby! Tha approach it in a military manner.
I have to stay and supervise.
Oooh! Here, give IT SQUEAKS 'Ey up, that sounds like Barry! It is! It's dear old Barry! Have a pint! Glenda's going to kill you.
Why? Wha? Where am I? You're in my pub! I thought you left last night with the others.
What others? That boozy crowd.
What time is it? It's Boxing Day.
Glenda's gonna kill me! He's right! She'll kill him! It's Christmas.
Perhaps she'll let you off with a severe nagging.
Severe nagging? That's what kills you! He's never been out all night before! I should think not.
They can find trouble on a wet afternoon.
But look on the bright side - there may be a perfectly sensible explanation.
There usually is.
And it's usually another woman.
Oh, really! It's better than an accident! Maybe you're right.
Has he been feeling depressed? Oh, cheer her up(!) I'm sure we can come up with something more comforting if we try.
Oh, all right then.
Maybe not! Well, they do get depressed.
Sometimes you've only been married five minutes and they're looking depressed.
I think a lot depends on their environment.
Move.
Keep them in a kind environment and they'll thrive better.
Now, you see, take our, Glenda.
She runs a tidy house.
He has no reason to feel depressed.
He better not have any reason to feel depressed.
You don't think he's done something rash? No, love! Look, I just told you.
There'll be a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Yes! He could've had a heart attack.
Oh, Nora! Well, they do have heart attacks.
It's one of the few things they manage on their own without needing a woman to hold something for them.
You mustn't blame yourself.
Anybody could lose one on Christmas day.
Where was he going, love? Last night, when did you last see him? He was with a group from his club.
They were going carol singing for charity.
Oh, for charity! That explains everything.
A group of men doing things for charity! He'll be laying drunk somewhere.
I'll kill him! She'll kill me.
She takes after her mother.
She'll kill him.
We have to telephone and tell her you're all right.
No! Don't tell her I'm all right, she'll want to know why I'm all right.
She'll want to know why I didn't come home.
Leave it with me.
I'll be very tactful.
The one thing you get from a Dewhurst operation is discretion.
Norman, what's discretion? It's a lot like nervousness, but gift-wrapped.
I can give her the number of my personal bleeper.
Then she can bleep me if she has any further inquiries.
Landlord, if we could borrow your civilian telephone? It's on the bar.
Thanks.
Forgive him.
He can't wait to use his bleeper.
He got a bleeper for Christmas? Oh! What did you get, Barry? Paralytic.
Never again, I swear.
I was only doing it for charity.
Paralytic for charity! Oh! I like it! Loss of memory?! I'll give him loss of memory! Send him home! What do you mean, "He doesn't remember home?" It sounds fishy to me.
It's inconsiderate - losing his memory over the Christmas period.
At least she knows he's safe.
Possibly barmy, but safe.
Men are built for loss of memory.
They've got a lot to forget.
Where is he? You can tell a lot from where they are and who they're with.
He's with Foggy Dewhurst and those others.
Oh! You might have been better with another woman.
Tell him to get himself home! But you can't rush these things.
I'm supervising the process of recovering his memory.
Yes, well, we're bringing it back to him gradually, step by step! In the meantime, let me give you the number of my bleeper.
Should you have any further queries, please ring the following number What's he telling her? He's telling her tha's lost tha memory! Oh, God! She'll never go for that! That's true.
Cheer him up(!) He's right, she'll never go for that! You'd better start practising.
Practising what? That's it.
You're getting the hang of it.
I think I handled that rather neatly.
Rubbish! She'll never go for loss of memory.
You forget I have experience of battle casualties.
When I make a diagnosis, they know it's practically a medical opinion.
Hands up who believes he lost his memory.
Hands up if you believe they're lying through their teeth.
I'll kill him! How was he dressed when he left the house? As Father Christmas.
Oh, well, that's a bonus! What mischief could he get up to dressed as Santa? But what did he have on underneath? I've no idea.
He kissed me goodbye and off he went - carol-singing for charity, dressed as Santa.
He kissed you goodbye?! Only on the cheek! They're up to no good if they're kissing you goodbye.
Didn't you think it was funny? On another day I would've.
But remember it was Christmas.
You let him sneak off on his own? I bet he thought it was Christmas.
And you've no idea what he had on underneath? Well, no.
Could it have been his best suit? No, I'm sure not.
He wouldn't put his best suit on voluntarily.
Not unless he was up to something.
You don't think? The signs are bad.
If he's started secretly wearing his best suit.
I don't know what's the matter with him.
He knows I'm in charge.
Why's he determined to stay depressed? With thee in charge, anybody'd get depressed.
Pay no attention to them.
Place yourself in my hands.
She'll kill me.
Get the lad a drink.
No, I had a skinful last night.
It'll go to my head.
There's plenty of room for it now you've lost your memory.
I don't want another drink! I don't know about his memory, but he's certainly lost his marbles.
One little drink! Where's the harm in one little drink? One drink! He's definitely lost his memory now.
He's lost everything now.
I can't take him home like that.
We'll sober him up.
Get him on the hills for a brisk walk.
Walk?! He can't even stand! He will do once we've exercised him a bit.
Come on.
Am I flying?! Why am I flying?! Waaah! I had to sneak off.
I had to see you.
You call this seeing me?! As soon as I'm sure the coast's clear, I'll be over this wall in a flash! Are you sure you're up to flash? Come over in easy stages.
There's no point damaging yourself in the process.
You know I'd risk anything for you.
And guess what I want for Christmas? Ooh, Howard! Technically, Christmas is over! It's never over! Not if you've got Christmas in your heart.
I'm coming over! Ooh, Howard! Oh, Marina! Oh, Howard! It is Christmas after all! Of course it is - why should we think Christmas is over? She goes well.
She goes like a bird.
We're going to look after this one.
We looked after the other one.
But we'll really look after this one.
You were always washing it.
I liked washing it! People ask me what you do now you're retired.
I tell 'em - he washes the car.
I'm going to wash this one too.
As soon as we get home, I'll give her a wash and polish.
There's some terrible driving about this morning.
Who's supposed to be getting the exercise? It's the last time I go walking Father Christmas.
Argh! Yeah, you're right.
He's the only one who seems to be enjoying it.
We shouldn't have let Wesley go.
We could've towed him behind the hearse! There must be something else we can tow him with.
HORSE NEIGHS Has he got his memory back? Well, he didn't have all his faculties when he left.
He soon will have! If we find him.
We'll find him! How are people going to miss a Father Christmas in a hearse? And don't forget, we can always get in touch with him! What? The bleeper! ALL: Oh, yes! The bleeper! Have you got the number? Come back here! Charge him! Come back here! Well, I don't want to upset any plans, but we're not actually catching the horse! That's because you're not doing it properly.
You're not following my instructions.
It's the horse that's not following them! I've noticed that.
What we've got to do is get the animal blindfolded.
They always settle down once they're blindfolded.
Give us your coat.
Why my coat? To wrap round the horse's head.
Why not thy coat?! Your coat is much more suitable for a horse.
Why didn't you say? That's right.
Stand to attention.
This is former Corporal Dewhurst who wishes you no harm.
It's OK.
You're in good hands.
Lethal hands, but only to human beings.
These hands have never killed a horse.
BLEEPER BLEEPS I think you're wanted on the phone! BLEEPER BLEEPS Hold it still.
It is still.
It never moved! It looked as though it moved.
It's supposed to move.
Not while you're mounting it! Don't unwrap its head till I give the order.
We wouldn't do anything without an order.
We'll walk the horse gently towards Barry.
When I give the word to remove the jacket, do so slowly.
No sudden movements! Right.
Remove the jacket.
Careful! Careful! BLEEPER BLEEPS Where have you been?! I can't remember.
You'll have to nip this in the bud.
If he thinks he's getting away with this, he'll do it every Christmas.
Do you think he'll be back for the new year? Depends on the horse! Happy new year, Foggy! Yes! Happy new year, Foggy!