Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s14e01 Episode Script
By The Magnificent Thighs Of Ernie Burniston
What are you doing, getting in people's way? Look where you're going! I'd sooner look where I've just been! It's come to something when a woman can't turn a corner without meeting neighbours full-frontally.
Couldn't we arrange to do this again, like this afternoon? It's too early in the morning.
I'm still half asleep.
I didn't get the full impact.
You'll get the full impact in a minute.
Promises, promises! One of your trickier streets to defend, is this.
I beg your pardon? The street.
It's a bit of a tactical problem.
Wouldn't be easy to hold against a determined enemy.
Are you expecting one? Not at the minute, no, but you can never be sure, can you? It's not the sort of thing you can afford to be casual about.
Where would you place your machine-gun? If you had to defend this street, where would you place your gun? I hadn't really thought about it.
That's it, isn't it? People don't.
Not till it's too late.
I keep trying to tell people, one of the foundations of democracy is knowing where to place your gun.
SHARP WHISTLE (Can you take a card to Marina?) Are you trying to tell me something or are you having difficulty with your oxygen supply? That'll teach you to go back into Y-fronts.
(Can you take this card to Marina?) Excuse me, mind your backs.
Are they in yet? Who? Is who in? I haven't time for chatting with you.
Cleggy and Foggy.
How would I know in this lot? You'll have to look for them yourself.
It's me morning rush.
It's a morning for close contact.
I hadn't been up five minutes and I collided with Nora Batty.
Lucky old you.
Excuse me, mind your backs there, please.
Mind your backs.
Is it cold up there? Aye, it is.
Give us a lift up.
No, they're not here.
You can let me down now.
Just think, I used to be as big as thee.
That's what fast living can do for thee.
Now, you see the advantages of height.
I've a much wider field of fire.
You see, if you control the high ground, you control the situation.
I used to hammer that lesson into my chaps in Burma.
Well, the natives, you know, the natives, they used to call me "He who controls the high ground".
They were loyal little fellows they were.
Only little chaps.
They wanted me to marry the chief's daughter.
Well, I thought about it, but she couldn't march for toffee.
She seemed to be all left leg.
Wait a minute.
Not so fast, Cleggy.
Over here.
It's me.
Ye Gods, Howard.
So, Pearl has really thrown you out.
Do you think you could possibly slip this birthday card to Marina for me? Why don't you just post it? I've missed the post.
You've missed your vocation, Howard.
You should have been a dustman.
You can do it, Clegg.
I'm not going near her if she's not got all her buttons done up.
Oh, nice morning, Pearl.
It is for talking to dustbins.
How long have you been talking to dustbins? I like dustbins.
I've always liked dustbins.
People are verydismissive about dustbins, but they're not so dusty are dustbins.
FOGGY LAUGHS Hiding in the bin? I'm walking past this bin and it starts talking to me.
The man's a complete idiot.
Was he on his own or was Marina in there with him? He SEEMED to be all alone.
Except for assorted bits of wet lettuce.
Sounds like her hairstyle.
There's no justice.
If anyone round these parts looked as if he was ready for the bin it's you.
Get him off.
He's dangerous.
He could be septic.
I'm not as fit as I used to be.
Three times round Nora Batty and I'm out of puff.
Mind you, with her it might be the excitement.
I see.
Out of puff AND short-sighted! No one's as fit as they used to be.
Not even me with my strict regime.
Battle drill and Evening Primrose, that's the secret.
I've still got muscles like whipcord, of course.
But it has to be admitted there is some loss of performance.
I think you're doing a good performance.
Welcome to the fit and sedentary.
I wouldn't go as far as that.
I'm still an incisive fighting machine.
Then YOU take this birthday card to Marina.
Nobody's as fit as they used to be.
YOU show me one bloke of our age who's as fit as he used to be.
BIKE BELL Ernie Burniston.
Exhibitionist.
Show off! I never liked him.
But you've got to give him credit.
For doing the V sign? Even I could do that.
He's not that fit.
It's just an act.
Underneath all that swank he's exhausted really.
Ohhh! Three teas, Ivy, and you better put in plenty of sugar for energy.
A likely story.
The thought of you with energy is more than anyone dare contemplate.
There's no need to worry, lass.
Tha's safe enough with me these days.
What's wrong? He's not as fit as he used to be.
That's good news.
You can get yourself arrested for being as fit as HE used to be! It's this civilian climate.
Not having your nerve stretched.
Things get slack.
For some of us, things have always been slack.
I could probably provide references.
HE still seems fit enough.
Ernie Burniston.
Bluff! He was just putting a show on for our benefit.
As soon as he was out of sight he'd probably be being sick.
Will you SHUT UP? What kind of talk is that for a catering establishment? I bet he weren't being sick.
You're just saying that to cheer me up.
Don't tell me you were taken in by that pathetic performance.
The last desperate gasp of Ernie Burniston, trying to crack on he's still fit! He could've fooled me.
Anybody could fool me.
True.
I'm surprised at both of you.
It's all flannel.
The man was tortured inside.
You could hear his lungs wheezing.
They were mine.
And mine! No, no, no, no.
As a person used to command, I flatter myself I have an eye for weakness.
I could tell by his colour.
Ernie Burniston is practically senile.
On his last legs.
Ooooh! Oh-oh! I could never talk to her seriously once she got them new teeth.
It's like they've got a life of their own.
Went private.
Cost a fortune.
I'm not saying they're bad teeth but I think she got the wrong ones.
I know what you mean.
She doesn't look like her any more.
What's up with him? Don't ask.
He'll only take advantage.
He fell off a wall.
Should've known, shouldn't we? On his head.
Lucky.
Good job it wasn't anywhere he could've damaged.
You'd think a bloke could get a bit of sympathy.
Sympathy?! Who'd dare get sympathetic with you? Safer to send him a get well card.
Sometimes, a bloke needs a gentle female hand to stroke his head.
Sometimes, a bloke needs a female boot to bring him to his senses.
You're too old for climbing walls.
Too old? I'll give thee too old! What's a bloke got to look forward to for the rest of his life if Nora Batty's faster than he is? We'll soon improve your acceleration.
How? How?! Don't bother me with details at the moment.
When am I going to get this card to Marina? I feel enormously guilty sneaking around with a card for Marina.
Folk can tell.
It's in an inside pocket.
How can they tell? Witchcraft.
Yorkshire witchcraft.
The women round here know when a male person is up to something.
Hey-up! This one looks like he's up to something.
It's Fu-Manchu, fresh back from plotting the annihilation of the Anglo-Saxon race.
Howard Fu-Manchu.
Opening a restaurant, are we, Howard? I'm glad I found you in, Clegg.
Pearl's hidden all me clothes.
Did you deliver me card? I think you Chinese are wonderful, Fu.
Deliver it yourself.
How can I? She's hidden me clothes.
Don't worry, Howard.
I think we can help you.
I've always regretted never having tried a pastel colour.
Always a bit risky, your pastel colours.
The men here are not well adapted to pastel colours.
What ARE they adapted to? I've picked up one or two clues.
My Wesley goes best with dark brown.
Mine will go with anything.
Me father's not THAT bad, Mother.
It's all right for you.
Your Barry works in a Building Society.
Your father looks as though he spends his life in an oil drum and not an empty one! I always stick to white walls meself.
You get fingermarks, but if you stand people in front of white you can spot when they're lying.
I think it always pays to ASSUME they're lying then go for what colour you want.
Funny how bad they are at lying, considering all the practice they get.
They don't all lie.
My Barry doesn't lie.
Drink your tea and don't show your ignorance in front of company.
All right, Pearl's nowhere to be seen.
All right.
Pearl's nowhere to be seen.
All right.
Pearl's nowhere to be seen.
She could be upstairs.
She could be upstairs.
She could be upstairs.
Thank you.
I got the message.
Good grief, it went through more hands than Mae West.
You can come out now, Pearl's nowhere around.
Come on, she'd never recognise you in those things.
How's it feel, Norm? It must be like watching the wife coming out the house again.
Not really.
Different moustache.
How am I going to deliver her card dressed like this? Dressed like that nobody will recognise you.
Pearl can usually penetrate your disguise.
Pearl could penetrate concrete.
That's just her voice! Come along, Howard, you can do it.
I'm sorry about the crossbar.
I think this is far enough.
The coast's clear.
You're well outside the range of Pearl's radar.
On your bike.
Go and deliver your freshly-pressed card, you little lover you.
It's very good of you, lads, I'll not forget this.
Me neither.
I shall ever remember thee fiddling with the corsets.
They take some getting used to.
Don't get TOO used to them.
They could alter your whole personality.
Hey-up, what's this? Whatever it is it will never fly.
It's me Auntie Wainwright.
With a slave.
Smiler's under that.
Nora's got him out working again.
Working for Auntie Wainwright.
Straight in at the deep end.
Don't look at her eyes.
If you do, she's got you, she'll sell you something.
Suppose she recognises me? Never.
Why is our Howard dressed like that? Well, nearly never.
Never mind Howard.
What's Smiler doing under that lot? Keeps dropping some wonderful bargains in bicycle parts.
It's awkward.
It should be easier now I'm carrying the bell.
That's how he is.
Makes an old lady carry his bell.
I'm just glad she isn't into heavy plant hire.
Tut-tut, I never thought to see our Howard dressed like that.
What can you say? Except to remind him that his auntie's always there when he needs her.
Carrying an extensive range of ladies' clothing, scarcely used.
How much does she pay you then? Pay? I have to take it in what she calls bargains.
Yesterday, I got a genuine antique metal teapot lid.
Oh, lucky you! Are you going to be gossiping there all day? Do come along, I've got a business to run.
Ohhhh.
Has she gone? It's all right for you lot.
The price of silence is going to be me buying frocks for evermore.
Oh, dear.
No, Howard, you can't ride a bicycle like that.
You've got to keep your skirt down.
Let's hope he don't meet any sailors.
For their sakes! Look, there's not another one for thirty minutes.
By! I bet she were lively when she were younger.
Right.
Now, on my word of command BICYCLE BELL RINGS Look, you've got to take it for me, Cleggy.
I've lost me nerve.
I had a narrow squeak with Pearl.
What about MY nerve? Let's not all go to pieces.
Take the man's card.
Can I stand up now? Stay down there.
I'll get back to you in a minute.
I don't want it, Howard.
Come on.
No, I'm not going to touch it.
I can't stand the woman, Howard.
I won't! I won't! Who's the girlfriend, Cleggy? Ye Gods, she's ugly! Oh! Oh, me back.
Oh, me back's gone.
Out! Don't come in here on my clean floor.
I can't walk on the ceiling.
Stand still.
Don't move.
Norman Clegg's got involved with some terrible-looking female.
What terrible-looking female? I dunno.
Just this terrible-looking female.
Stranger to me.
Why would he get mixed up with a terrible female? Don't ask me.
I'm the last one to give advice about that! Oh! Me back.
Oh, me back.
Oh, do be quiet.
He's making a meal of it.
I think he's in pain.
A little pain never hurt anyone.
Are you sure you wouldn't like to think about that? He's a great long dillop.
Stop complaining.
Complaining? Tha's the long twit who left me stuck down there for ages.
You're the one who got me in this position.
We'll sort something out.
I'm staying like this.
I'm never going to move.
Stop complaining.
Bog off.
It doesn't sound as though he's sprained his tongue in any way.
I am! I'm staying like this for ever! It's Marina.
Give her the card.
In broad daylight? She's not going to bite you.
If she does, sit me up.
I want to watch.
If she doesn't let me go straight away, you've got to rescue me.
Give her the card.
Norman Clegg that was.
This is for you, Marina.
Me? For my birthday? Yes.
It's from somebody very special.
From Norman Clegg.
What? How very thoughtful.
No! Oh, no.
It's always the quiet ones that come up with the surprises.
Oh, you old sly boots.
Help.
Help! Howard! One thing gets up my nose, it's gnomes in gardens.
There's no one in sight.
I'm not being wheeled round here in this condition if Nora Batty's looking.
Dear me.
On three.
One, two, three.
Those wrinkles are familiar.
What's HE been doing? It's only temporary.
It's a big day for injuries.
They've rushed Ernie Burniston to hospital with a hernia.
Ernie Burniston with a hernia? Oh.
Poor old Ernie Burniston.
Oh, I AM sorry to hear that.
Poor old Ernie Burniston! YOU soon got better.
Aye, but my back might go at any moment.
I've still got to have something to hang onto.
Oh, no! BBC - 1992
Couldn't we arrange to do this again, like this afternoon? It's too early in the morning.
I'm still half asleep.
I didn't get the full impact.
You'll get the full impact in a minute.
Promises, promises! One of your trickier streets to defend, is this.
I beg your pardon? The street.
It's a bit of a tactical problem.
Wouldn't be easy to hold against a determined enemy.
Are you expecting one? Not at the minute, no, but you can never be sure, can you? It's not the sort of thing you can afford to be casual about.
Where would you place your machine-gun? If you had to defend this street, where would you place your gun? I hadn't really thought about it.
That's it, isn't it? People don't.
Not till it's too late.
I keep trying to tell people, one of the foundations of democracy is knowing where to place your gun.
SHARP WHISTLE (Can you take a card to Marina?) Are you trying to tell me something or are you having difficulty with your oxygen supply? That'll teach you to go back into Y-fronts.
(Can you take this card to Marina?) Excuse me, mind your backs.
Are they in yet? Who? Is who in? I haven't time for chatting with you.
Cleggy and Foggy.
How would I know in this lot? You'll have to look for them yourself.
It's me morning rush.
It's a morning for close contact.
I hadn't been up five minutes and I collided with Nora Batty.
Lucky old you.
Excuse me, mind your backs there, please.
Mind your backs.
Is it cold up there? Aye, it is.
Give us a lift up.
No, they're not here.
You can let me down now.
Just think, I used to be as big as thee.
That's what fast living can do for thee.
Now, you see the advantages of height.
I've a much wider field of fire.
You see, if you control the high ground, you control the situation.
I used to hammer that lesson into my chaps in Burma.
Well, the natives, you know, the natives, they used to call me "He who controls the high ground".
They were loyal little fellows they were.
Only little chaps.
They wanted me to marry the chief's daughter.
Well, I thought about it, but she couldn't march for toffee.
She seemed to be all left leg.
Wait a minute.
Not so fast, Cleggy.
Over here.
It's me.
Ye Gods, Howard.
So, Pearl has really thrown you out.
Do you think you could possibly slip this birthday card to Marina for me? Why don't you just post it? I've missed the post.
You've missed your vocation, Howard.
You should have been a dustman.
You can do it, Clegg.
I'm not going near her if she's not got all her buttons done up.
Oh, nice morning, Pearl.
It is for talking to dustbins.
How long have you been talking to dustbins? I like dustbins.
I've always liked dustbins.
People are verydismissive about dustbins, but they're not so dusty are dustbins.
FOGGY LAUGHS Hiding in the bin? I'm walking past this bin and it starts talking to me.
The man's a complete idiot.
Was he on his own or was Marina in there with him? He SEEMED to be all alone.
Except for assorted bits of wet lettuce.
Sounds like her hairstyle.
There's no justice.
If anyone round these parts looked as if he was ready for the bin it's you.
Get him off.
He's dangerous.
He could be septic.
I'm not as fit as I used to be.
Three times round Nora Batty and I'm out of puff.
Mind you, with her it might be the excitement.
I see.
Out of puff AND short-sighted! No one's as fit as they used to be.
Not even me with my strict regime.
Battle drill and Evening Primrose, that's the secret.
I've still got muscles like whipcord, of course.
But it has to be admitted there is some loss of performance.
I think you're doing a good performance.
Welcome to the fit and sedentary.
I wouldn't go as far as that.
I'm still an incisive fighting machine.
Then YOU take this birthday card to Marina.
Nobody's as fit as they used to be.
YOU show me one bloke of our age who's as fit as he used to be.
BIKE BELL Ernie Burniston.
Exhibitionist.
Show off! I never liked him.
But you've got to give him credit.
For doing the V sign? Even I could do that.
He's not that fit.
It's just an act.
Underneath all that swank he's exhausted really.
Ohhh! Three teas, Ivy, and you better put in plenty of sugar for energy.
A likely story.
The thought of you with energy is more than anyone dare contemplate.
There's no need to worry, lass.
Tha's safe enough with me these days.
What's wrong? He's not as fit as he used to be.
That's good news.
You can get yourself arrested for being as fit as HE used to be! It's this civilian climate.
Not having your nerve stretched.
Things get slack.
For some of us, things have always been slack.
I could probably provide references.
HE still seems fit enough.
Ernie Burniston.
Bluff! He was just putting a show on for our benefit.
As soon as he was out of sight he'd probably be being sick.
Will you SHUT UP? What kind of talk is that for a catering establishment? I bet he weren't being sick.
You're just saying that to cheer me up.
Don't tell me you were taken in by that pathetic performance.
The last desperate gasp of Ernie Burniston, trying to crack on he's still fit! He could've fooled me.
Anybody could fool me.
True.
I'm surprised at both of you.
It's all flannel.
The man was tortured inside.
You could hear his lungs wheezing.
They were mine.
And mine! No, no, no, no.
As a person used to command, I flatter myself I have an eye for weakness.
I could tell by his colour.
Ernie Burniston is practically senile.
On his last legs.
Ooooh! Oh-oh! I could never talk to her seriously once she got them new teeth.
It's like they've got a life of their own.
Went private.
Cost a fortune.
I'm not saying they're bad teeth but I think she got the wrong ones.
I know what you mean.
She doesn't look like her any more.
What's up with him? Don't ask.
He'll only take advantage.
He fell off a wall.
Should've known, shouldn't we? On his head.
Lucky.
Good job it wasn't anywhere he could've damaged.
You'd think a bloke could get a bit of sympathy.
Sympathy?! Who'd dare get sympathetic with you? Safer to send him a get well card.
Sometimes, a bloke needs a gentle female hand to stroke his head.
Sometimes, a bloke needs a female boot to bring him to his senses.
You're too old for climbing walls.
Too old? I'll give thee too old! What's a bloke got to look forward to for the rest of his life if Nora Batty's faster than he is? We'll soon improve your acceleration.
How? How?! Don't bother me with details at the moment.
When am I going to get this card to Marina? I feel enormously guilty sneaking around with a card for Marina.
Folk can tell.
It's in an inside pocket.
How can they tell? Witchcraft.
Yorkshire witchcraft.
The women round here know when a male person is up to something.
Hey-up! This one looks like he's up to something.
It's Fu-Manchu, fresh back from plotting the annihilation of the Anglo-Saxon race.
Howard Fu-Manchu.
Opening a restaurant, are we, Howard? I'm glad I found you in, Clegg.
Pearl's hidden all me clothes.
Did you deliver me card? I think you Chinese are wonderful, Fu.
Deliver it yourself.
How can I? She's hidden me clothes.
Don't worry, Howard.
I think we can help you.
I've always regretted never having tried a pastel colour.
Always a bit risky, your pastel colours.
The men here are not well adapted to pastel colours.
What ARE they adapted to? I've picked up one or two clues.
My Wesley goes best with dark brown.
Mine will go with anything.
Me father's not THAT bad, Mother.
It's all right for you.
Your Barry works in a Building Society.
Your father looks as though he spends his life in an oil drum and not an empty one! I always stick to white walls meself.
You get fingermarks, but if you stand people in front of white you can spot when they're lying.
I think it always pays to ASSUME they're lying then go for what colour you want.
Funny how bad they are at lying, considering all the practice they get.
They don't all lie.
My Barry doesn't lie.
Drink your tea and don't show your ignorance in front of company.
All right, Pearl's nowhere to be seen.
All right.
Pearl's nowhere to be seen.
All right.
Pearl's nowhere to be seen.
She could be upstairs.
She could be upstairs.
She could be upstairs.
Thank you.
I got the message.
Good grief, it went through more hands than Mae West.
You can come out now, Pearl's nowhere around.
Come on, she'd never recognise you in those things.
How's it feel, Norm? It must be like watching the wife coming out the house again.
Not really.
Different moustache.
How am I going to deliver her card dressed like this? Dressed like that nobody will recognise you.
Pearl can usually penetrate your disguise.
Pearl could penetrate concrete.
That's just her voice! Come along, Howard, you can do it.
I'm sorry about the crossbar.
I think this is far enough.
The coast's clear.
You're well outside the range of Pearl's radar.
On your bike.
Go and deliver your freshly-pressed card, you little lover you.
It's very good of you, lads, I'll not forget this.
Me neither.
I shall ever remember thee fiddling with the corsets.
They take some getting used to.
Don't get TOO used to them.
They could alter your whole personality.
Hey-up, what's this? Whatever it is it will never fly.
It's me Auntie Wainwright.
With a slave.
Smiler's under that.
Nora's got him out working again.
Working for Auntie Wainwright.
Straight in at the deep end.
Don't look at her eyes.
If you do, she's got you, she'll sell you something.
Suppose she recognises me? Never.
Why is our Howard dressed like that? Well, nearly never.
Never mind Howard.
What's Smiler doing under that lot? Keeps dropping some wonderful bargains in bicycle parts.
It's awkward.
It should be easier now I'm carrying the bell.
That's how he is.
Makes an old lady carry his bell.
I'm just glad she isn't into heavy plant hire.
Tut-tut, I never thought to see our Howard dressed like that.
What can you say? Except to remind him that his auntie's always there when he needs her.
Carrying an extensive range of ladies' clothing, scarcely used.
How much does she pay you then? Pay? I have to take it in what she calls bargains.
Yesterday, I got a genuine antique metal teapot lid.
Oh, lucky you! Are you going to be gossiping there all day? Do come along, I've got a business to run.
Ohhhh.
Has she gone? It's all right for you lot.
The price of silence is going to be me buying frocks for evermore.
Oh, dear.
No, Howard, you can't ride a bicycle like that.
You've got to keep your skirt down.
Let's hope he don't meet any sailors.
For their sakes! Look, there's not another one for thirty minutes.
By! I bet she were lively when she were younger.
Right.
Now, on my word of command BICYCLE BELL RINGS Look, you've got to take it for me, Cleggy.
I've lost me nerve.
I had a narrow squeak with Pearl.
What about MY nerve? Let's not all go to pieces.
Take the man's card.
Can I stand up now? Stay down there.
I'll get back to you in a minute.
I don't want it, Howard.
Come on.
No, I'm not going to touch it.
I can't stand the woman, Howard.
I won't! I won't! Who's the girlfriend, Cleggy? Ye Gods, she's ugly! Oh! Oh, me back.
Oh, me back's gone.
Out! Don't come in here on my clean floor.
I can't walk on the ceiling.
Stand still.
Don't move.
Norman Clegg's got involved with some terrible-looking female.
What terrible-looking female? I dunno.
Just this terrible-looking female.
Stranger to me.
Why would he get mixed up with a terrible female? Don't ask me.
I'm the last one to give advice about that! Oh! Me back.
Oh, me back.
Oh, do be quiet.
He's making a meal of it.
I think he's in pain.
A little pain never hurt anyone.
Are you sure you wouldn't like to think about that? He's a great long dillop.
Stop complaining.
Complaining? Tha's the long twit who left me stuck down there for ages.
You're the one who got me in this position.
We'll sort something out.
I'm staying like this.
I'm never going to move.
Stop complaining.
Bog off.
It doesn't sound as though he's sprained his tongue in any way.
I am! I'm staying like this for ever! It's Marina.
Give her the card.
In broad daylight? She's not going to bite you.
If she does, sit me up.
I want to watch.
If she doesn't let me go straight away, you've got to rescue me.
Give her the card.
Norman Clegg that was.
This is for you, Marina.
Me? For my birthday? Yes.
It's from somebody very special.
From Norman Clegg.
What? How very thoughtful.
No! Oh, no.
It's always the quiet ones that come up with the surprises.
Oh, you old sly boots.
Help.
Help! Howard! One thing gets up my nose, it's gnomes in gardens.
There's no one in sight.
I'm not being wheeled round here in this condition if Nora Batty's looking.
Dear me.
On three.
One, two, three.
Those wrinkles are familiar.
What's HE been doing? It's only temporary.
It's a big day for injuries.
They've rushed Ernie Burniston to hospital with a hernia.
Ernie Burniston with a hernia? Oh.
Poor old Ernie Burniston.
Oh, I AM sorry to hear that.
Poor old Ernie Burniston! YOU soon got better.
Aye, but my back might go at any moment.
I've still got to have something to hang onto.
Oh, no! BBC - 1992