Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s14e09 Episode Script
Wheelies
Keep away! Nora, lass, a proposition.
No! I've heard your propositions! An honest proposition Make me a pie and I'll not chase thee for a week.
TWO weeks? How big's the pie? About so big.
For two weeks!? Forget it! Ah-hargh! Cleggy.
CLEGGY ! Up here, Cleggy! Funny.
We usually have starlings.
Could I have a word? Not up there! What are you doing up there!? If anyone asks, I'm inspecting this chimney.
You've got Marina in that chimney! Keep your voice down! Don't be stupid! .
.
I'd never get her in.
I've been waiting to speak to you privately, out of reach of you-know-who.
Just occasionally - say on Wednesday afternoons - would you rent your front room? Speak up.
I daren't speak up! I wondered if, just occasionally, you'd like to rent your front room? Sorry, Howard.
It sounds like you're asking if I'd rent my front room! Oh! What's he doing up there? AIE-IEA-IEA-IEARGH! Oh, I see what he's doing - he's falling off.
Do you think he'll be all right? Married to Pearl !? Tha's joking! INAUDIBLE Your clothes aren't ready! Keep 'em! They're covered in blood! What have you been doing now!? Nothing, love How did you get in that condition?! I was blown off a roof.
Oh, blown off a roof A likely story! I don't know where you get these daft excuses from! Telling me rubbish and expecting me to swallow it! Blown off a roof (!) Get inside! How did he come to fall off the roof anyway? He was holding his jacket open and the wind blew him off.
The forces of nature.
Wind.
I've seen it uproot trees.
There's a cat next door does its best.
There's not enough use made of it.
I always think the same thing about Nora Batty.
What could you possibly use a Nora Batty for? I don't mean as anything useful.
I mean as an ornament.
Oh, as an ornament (?) Ah, Wesley.
What's the matter with people? Falling off roofs and hammering their thumbs! You great demented dollop, sneaking up on people like that! It's the training.
I can't help it if I move like a phantom.
Why don't you bog off! That's welcoming, isn't it (?) It's going to go black! Well, it'll match your overalls.
You'll be colour-co-ordinated.
I was fine! I was doing fine! What do you want? Well, we are looking to exploit the forces of nature, Wesley.
I must get a new pair of braces.
I've never worn braces.
You sometimes hardly wear trousers! I'd like a second technical opinion on this little beauty.
Whose was the first technical opinion? Mine.
I was afraid of that.
You'll need bigger wheels.
Pram wheels are no good.
Bigger wheels.
Try bicycle wheels.
Funny you should say that.
I've been toying with the idea of bicycle wheels.
If anyone has bicycle wheels, it's Auntie Wainwright.
She'll sell me something! We'll all club together and buy some bicycle wheels Well, TWO of us will club together.
Good thinking.
Now and then, tha comes up with a flash of real nous.
Well, I'm not going in.
You never know what you're going to come out with.
You've really got to get over this phobia.
I can't AFFORD to get over this phobia! HOW DO, MARINA ? SHOP BELL RINGS Don't move! These premises are covered by spy satellite.
Spy satellite!? Rubbish! There's only her with her eagle eye.
That's all you need! I'll do the talking.
And the buying! I have to be careful.
People take advantage of an old woman.
It's hard on your own.
It is, love.
Mind you, sometimes it's better than being paired off.
Right You've heard, haven't you? Heard what? Oh, you can't fool me.
About the great bargains I have in ladies' foundation garments.
What would WE want with them!? You'll snap them up for resale! Bicycle wheels! There's no need for that attitude! No, that's what we're looking for - bicycle wheels.
CHEAP bicycle wheels.
There he goes, taking advantage! Must it be bicycle wheels? Any fool can buy them.
Not at your prices! You want something more impressive.
Impressive? Careful, Foggy! YOU'RE a man of vision.
That's true.
She's got thee, Foggy! There's no harm in looking.
It's round the back.
Follow me.
Keep your hands in your pockets.
Remember our motto: "Death to all shoplifters.
" "Noharmin looking," he says! It's no good blaming me.
We all bought it together.
Ayebut tha's the big dillup who saidthere's no harm in looking Don't let it get away.
Not likely! Not at Auntie Wainwright's prices! I think we got a bargain, for a wheel this size.
It's a good job she didn't have anything bigger! What are you doing with that!? Badly! We bought it at Auntie's.
Why would anybody buy one of them things!? You should see what Clegg bought! Don't tell everybody! What did he buy? A LADIES' FOUNDATION GARMENT.
Only a small one! It was a bargain.
Well, she SAID it was a bargain.
PEEP! I caught him only this morning.
Looking terrible, walking all weird.
A crick in his back! Sounds to me like he's been fooling about.
They've been up to no good if they've got cricks in their back.
It's true.
It's amazing how few male back injuries can be attributed to work.
Barry gets twinges in his back.
I have to rub him with Fiery Jack.
Do you mind! You weren't brought up to rub people with Fiery Jack! Oh, Mother! Even if he does work in a building society! What WAS wrong with Howard's back? I can only tell you what he SAID was wrong with it.
He said he'd been blown off a roof! I don't know where they get these excuses from! It's their one saving grace - they're not very good at lying.
It's not for want of practice.
I don't think my Barry tells lies.
Well, I don't! You make out men are all weird.
They're not ALL weird.
What do I do with THAT !? Tell him, Norm.
I made enough suggestions coming here.
Putting it down would be a start.
There must be dozens of things.
I mean, look at it.
You went for bicycle wheels! How come you finished up with this!? It was Auntie Wainwright's bargain of the week.
Auntie Wainwright's!? You deserve all you got! It was an absolute snip.
Huh (!) How long have we to hold this!? There's TWO of you! Good grief! In Burma, I held up a Japanese battalion for a week! Y-e-s, that ought to do it.
It's ridiculous! It's conserving the world's energy.
What about MY energy!? It's worth a try.
We ought to do something with it.
CRASH ! Gone! Typical ! You turn your back and they've gone! It's terribly difficult finding the right kind of help these days.
Will somebody stop clacking and get us out of here! I'll second that! What are you doing under there!? He let go! I needed a scratch! I've heard of doing wheelies, but this is ridiculous! Never mind, it's been worthwhile.
Wesley's had an idea of how we can make something out of this thing.
It was just an IDEA ! We've cracked it this time! You'll have to speak up, Howard.
I said I think I've cracked it.
Two people carrying a ladder - what could be more innocent? I was just thinking the same, Howard! People will think we're working.
They'll never believe we're romantically involved.
At THIS distance, Howard, even I don't believe we're romantically involved! A wheel on wheels! You wonder why nobody thought of it before.
Right, let's see if we can find somewhere to try her out.
Or better still, why don't we get a cup of tea? .
.
Just a thought.
I'm with HIM.
Nobody asked you.
Right, Wesley? All aboard.
We can't all get in the cab! You wouldn't have this problem with a cup of tea.
I'm with HI-IM ! All right, then The lucky one rides on the wheel.
Hang on! You'll be all right.
It's quite safe.
Rubber bumpers all round.
So why the rush for the cab!? We didn't want to deprive you of the pleasure of the first ride.
I certainly didn't want to deprive you of that pleasure.
I hope tha's sure.
Of course I am.
Of course, HE's not riding it.
Be quiet! Don't upset him.
Look, give it a try.
See what the seat is like for size.
Make yourself comfy.
It's not bad.
There you are, no problem.
All right, Wesley, wagons roll.
WATCH IT ! What's he doing over there!? I didn't give him permission to go! It shot me right off me seat! But if you're securely fastened in, it won't be able to throw you off.
No, the reason why it won't throw me off again is because I'm not going ON again! Nora Batty thought you were incredibly .
.
stupid.
Brave! She thought I were brave? What's MY part? In you go, Biggles.
Is it going to be safe, Foggy? Of course! We'll be sitting in the Landrover.
No, I meant is it safe for HIM ? Oh, for HIM Oh, yes.
He's got more harnesses than a fighter pilot, AND a steering wheel.
Wait till he gets his sail.
HE could provide all the wind! Right, let's get this on you.
Watch it! You want to be secure, don't you? Secure and still a baritone! Why not use this? Special offer.
Bog off.
So THIS is the secret spot you've been talking about!? Up on a roof!? It's something I learned today.
People never look up when you're on a roof.
Nobody ever sees you when you're up on a roof.
You're practically invisible.
So THIS is where we're going to meet in futureon a roof? It's BRILLIANT, love.
Can you fall out of that? You see - 100% guaranteed safety.
One hundred PER CENT ! Certainly.
He can't budge an inch.
What happens when we start moving? Heavens above! You're not still doubting! Wesley, hook her up.
Next time you go for bicycle wheels, BRING bicycle wheels.
You've no idea how hard I fought not to buy TWO foundation garments.
Now, was Foggy right or was Foggy right? He'd fail his idiot's licence.
I want you to use your steering wheel and try and stay on the road.
ARGHH ! HELP ! And the other thing is that it's such a lovely view.
I'll give you that, Howard.
There's nothing wrong with the VIEW.
We could often come up here.
Carrying our own ladder (?) That's right.
Everything looking innocent HELP ! Oh! Ohhhhhh! ARGHRGEARGH ! HELP !! You prat! Just wait till you get the mast and the sail ! BBC 1992
No! I've heard your propositions! An honest proposition Make me a pie and I'll not chase thee for a week.
TWO weeks? How big's the pie? About so big.
For two weeks!? Forget it! Ah-hargh! Cleggy.
CLEGGY ! Up here, Cleggy! Funny.
We usually have starlings.
Could I have a word? Not up there! What are you doing up there!? If anyone asks, I'm inspecting this chimney.
You've got Marina in that chimney! Keep your voice down! Don't be stupid! .
.
I'd never get her in.
I've been waiting to speak to you privately, out of reach of you-know-who.
Just occasionally - say on Wednesday afternoons - would you rent your front room? Speak up.
I daren't speak up! I wondered if, just occasionally, you'd like to rent your front room? Sorry, Howard.
It sounds like you're asking if I'd rent my front room! Oh! What's he doing up there? AIE-IEA-IEA-IEARGH! Oh, I see what he's doing - he's falling off.
Do you think he'll be all right? Married to Pearl !? Tha's joking! INAUDIBLE Your clothes aren't ready! Keep 'em! They're covered in blood! What have you been doing now!? Nothing, love How did you get in that condition?! I was blown off a roof.
Oh, blown off a roof A likely story! I don't know where you get these daft excuses from! Telling me rubbish and expecting me to swallow it! Blown off a roof (!) Get inside! How did he come to fall off the roof anyway? He was holding his jacket open and the wind blew him off.
The forces of nature.
Wind.
I've seen it uproot trees.
There's a cat next door does its best.
There's not enough use made of it.
I always think the same thing about Nora Batty.
What could you possibly use a Nora Batty for? I don't mean as anything useful.
I mean as an ornament.
Oh, as an ornament (?) Ah, Wesley.
What's the matter with people? Falling off roofs and hammering their thumbs! You great demented dollop, sneaking up on people like that! It's the training.
I can't help it if I move like a phantom.
Why don't you bog off! That's welcoming, isn't it (?) It's going to go black! Well, it'll match your overalls.
You'll be colour-co-ordinated.
I was fine! I was doing fine! What do you want? Well, we are looking to exploit the forces of nature, Wesley.
I must get a new pair of braces.
I've never worn braces.
You sometimes hardly wear trousers! I'd like a second technical opinion on this little beauty.
Whose was the first technical opinion? Mine.
I was afraid of that.
You'll need bigger wheels.
Pram wheels are no good.
Bigger wheels.
Try bicycle wheels.
Funny you should say that.
I've been toying with the idea of bicycle wheels.
If anyone has bicycle wheels, it's Auntie Wainwright.
She'll sell me something! We'll all club together and buy some bicycle wheels Well, TWO of us will club together.
Good thinking.
Now and then, tha comes up with a flash of real nous.
Well, I'm not going in.
You never know what you're going to come out with.
You've really got to get over this phobia.
I can't AFFORD to get over this phobia! HOW DO, MARINA ? SHOP BELL RINGS Don't move! These premises are covered by spy satellite.
Spy satellite!? Rubbish! There's only her with her eagle eye.
That's all you need! I'll do the talking.
And the buying! I have to be careful.
People take advantage of an old woman.
It's hard on your own.
It is, love.
Mind you, sometimes it's better than being paired off.
Right You've heard, haven't you? Heard what? Oh, you can't fool me.
About the great bargains I have in ladies' foundation garments.
What would WE want with them!? You'll snap them up for resale! Bicycle wheels! There's no need for that attitude! No, that's what we're looking for - bicycle wheels.
CHEAP bicycle wheels.
There he goes, taking advantage! Must it be bicycle wheels? Any fool can buy them.
Not at your prices! You want something more impressive.
Impressive? Careful, Foggy! YOU'RE a man of vision.
That's true.
She's got thee, Foggy! There's no harm in looking.
It's round the back.
Follow me.
Keep your hands in your pockets.
Remember our motto: "Death to all shoplifters.
" "Noharmin looking," he says! It's no good blaming me.
We all bought it together.
Ayebut tha's the big dillup who saidthere's no harm in looking Don't let it get away.
Not likely! Not at Auntie Wainwright's prices! I think we got a bargain, for a wheel this size.
It's a good job she didn't have anything bigger! What are you doing with that!? Badly! We bought it at Auntie's.
Why would anybody buy one of them things!? You should see what Clegg bought! Don't tell everybody! What did he buy? A LADIES' FOUNDATION GARMENT.
Only a small one! It was a bargain.
Well, she SAID it was a bargain.
PEEP! I caught him only this morning.
Looking terrible, walking all weird.
A crick in his back! Sounds to me like he's been fooling about.
They've been up to no good if they've got cricks in their back.
It's true.
It's amazing how few male back injuries can be attributed to work.
Barry gets twinges in his back.
I have to rub him with Fiery Jack.
Do you mind! You weren't brought up to rub people with Fiery Jack! Oh, Mother! Even if he does work in a building society! What WAS wrong with Howard's back? I can only tell you what he SAID was wrong with it.
He said he'd been blown off a roof! I don't know where they get these excuses from! It's their one saving grace - they're not very good at lying.
It's not for want of practice.
I don't think my Barry tells lies.
Well, I don't! You make out men are all weird.
They're not ALL weird.
What do I do with THAT !? Tell him, Norm.
I made enough suggestions coming here.
Putting it down would be a start.
There must be dozens of things.
I mean, look at it.
You went for bicycle wheels! How come you finished up with this!? It was Auntie Wainwright's bargain of the week.
Auntie Wainwright's!? You deserve all you got! It was an absolute snip.
Huh (!) How long have we to hold this!? There's TWO of you! Good grief! In Burma, I held up a Japanese battalion for a week! Y-e-s, that ought to do it.
It's ridiculous! It's conserving the world's energy.
What about MY energy!? It's worth a try.
We ought to do something with it.
CRASH ! Gone! Typical ! You turn your back and they've gone! It's terribly difficult finding the right kind of help these days.
Will somebody stop clacking and get us out of here! I'll second that! What are you doing under there!? He let go! I needed a scratch! I've heard of doing wheelies, but this is ridiculous! Never mind, it's been worthwhile.
Wesley's had an idea of how we can make something out of this thing.
It was just an IDEA ! We've cracked it this time! You'll have to speak up, Howard.
I said I think I've cracked it.
Two people carrying a ladder - what could be more innocent? I was just thinking the same, Howard! People will think we're working.
They'll never believe we're romantically involved.
At THIS distance, Howard, even I don't believe we're romantically involved! A wheel on wheels! You wonder why nobody thought of it before.
Right, let's see if we can find somewhere to try her out.
Or better still, why don't we get a cup of tea? .
.
Just a thought.
I'm with HIM.
Nobody asked you.
Right, Wesley? All aboard.
We can't all get in the cab! You wouldn't have this problem with a cup of tea.
I'm with HI-IM ! All right, then The lucky one rides on the wheel.
Hang on! You'll be all right.
It's quite safe.
Rubber bumpers all round.
So why the rush for the cab!? We didn't want to deprive you of the pleasure of the first ride.
I certainly didn't want to deprive you of that pleasure.
I hope tha's sure.
Of course I am.
Of course, HE's not riding it.
Be quiet! Don't upset him.
Look, give it a try.
See what the seat is like for size.
Make yourself comfy.
It's not bad.
There you are, no problem.
All right, Wesley, wagons roll.
WATCH IT ! What's he doing over there!? I didn't give him permission to go! It shot me right off me seat! But if you're securely fastened in, it won't be able to throw you off.
No, the reason why it won't throw me off again is because I'm not going ON again! Nora Batty thought you were incredibly .
.
stupid.
Brave! She thought I were brave? What's MY part? In you go, Biggles.
Is it going to be safe, Foggy? Of course! We'll be sitting in the Landrover.
No, I meant is it safe for HIM ? Oh, for HIM Oh, yes.
He's got more harnesses than a fighter pilot, AND a steering wheel.
Wait till he gets his sail.
HE could provide all the wind! Right, let's get this on you.
Watch it! You want to be secure, don't you? Secure and still a baritone! Why not use this? Special offer.
Bog off.
So THIS is the secret spot you've been talking about!? Up on a roof!? It's something I learned today.
People never look up when you're on a roof.
Nobody ever sees you when you're up on a roof.
You're practically invisible.
So THIS is where we're going to meet in futureon a roof? It's BRILLIANT, love.
Can you fall out of that? You see - 100% guaranteed safety.
One hundred PER CENT ! Certainly.
He can't budge an inch.
What happens when we start moving? Heavens above! You're not still doubting! Wesley, hook her up.
Next time you go for bicycle wheels, BRING bicycle wheels.
You've no idea how hard I fought not to buy TWO foundation garments.
Now, was Foggy right or was Foggy right? He'd fail his idiot's licence.
I want you to use your steering wheel and try and stay on the road.
ARGHH ! HELP ! And the other thing is that it's such a lovely view.
I'll give you that, Howard.
There's nothing wrong with the VIEW.
We could often come up here.
Carrying our own ladder (?) That's right.
Everything looking innocent HELP ! Oh! Ohhhhhh! ARGHRGEARGH ! HELP !! You prat! Just wait till you get the mast and the sail ! BBC 1992