Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s15e04 Episode Script
Have You Got A Light Mate?
Go and find yourself something to do! Can't I have another cup of tea? You've had two.
I WAS looking forward to three.
Have I nothing to do but fill you with tea? You're impossible to fill with tea.
You're like a bottomless pit! Oh, look at you.
No wonder you can't find yourself a regular job.
I AM retired.
Retarded is closer.
A nice sight first thing in the morning.
My bird's arms round another man.
First thing in the morning? It's nearly dinnertime.
Hope it lasts longer than breakfast.
Get something on! You shouldn't be standing at the window in that derelict underwear.
I'd be asleep if it weren't for the noise of thee throwing Smiler out.
Every morning's the same - I can't hear meself sleep for the noise of thee throwing Smiler out.
And now I catch you in his arms, actually handlin' him.
Look, if tha wants to get physical, that's what I'M here for.
I only helped him with his raincoat.
All right, I'll get a raincoat.
(Cleggy! (Let me in, Cleggy.
) Why are you talking through my letterbox, Howard? (I didn't want Pearl to hear me knocking on your door.
) One of those, is it? (Let me in, Cleggy.
) Where IS Pearl? Doing the bedrooms.
Where are you supposed to be? In the kitchen, polishing brasses.
Mm.
If she finds me here, I came to get brass-polishing tips from an ex-serviceman.
Ex-serviceman? Me?! You were in the war.
Even when I was a serviceman, I looked more like an EX-serviceman.
Me and a lot of others did four years without ever seriously endangering our amateur status.
DOG PIDDLES Never saw me, did you? I didn't expect you to.
I'm not criticising, but it'd take a sharper eye than yours to spot Corporal Dewhurst hiding in a bush.
What you doin' in there? Oh, just keeping the old hand in.
Taking advantage of natural cover.
Why? Why?! Because that is what I do.
It is the way of the Samurai.
When you have these skills, you have to keep 'em sharp.
How do you think Yehudi Menuhin keeps so sharp on the piano? It's the violin.
Well, I KNOW it's the violin but he usually keeps it on the piano.
Here.
Thanks, love.
They been in yet? No, it's been peaceful.
Give us a tea, love.
Any free buns? No! I mean, really tatty, eugh, cor, phew, free buns? It all goes to the birds.
Charming! I shall have to grow some feathers.
It'd look tidier than what YOU'RE wearing.
Eh up! .
.
Hey! RATTLE OF COINS How do? Enjoyin' the scone? Aye.
Very nice.
My favourites too.
I like scones.
COMPO WHISTLES Eugh! Eugh! By gum! Is that the time? I must be going.
Is tha leaving tha scones? Aye.
You have them.
Where's he gone? He seemed in a bit of a hurry.
No, Howard.
I'd do it for you.
You wouldn't have to.
I haven't got a girlfriend.
I wouldn't call her a girlfriend.
The lady's just someone with whom I share certain interests infurther educational matters.
And how does Pearl feel about 'further education'? She's against it.
That's why I can't buy it meself.
If Pearl hears that I've bought a china shepherdess she'll want to know what for.
I'd do it for you if it was anywhere but Auntie Wainwright's.
It's in her window.
Oh, why can't you go to Auntie Wainwright's? She never knows how to stop selling you things.
All you have to do is say no.
That shows how much YOU know.
I'm not getting involved with you and Marina.
You don't have to go anywhere near Marina.
Just bring me the china shepherdess.
I'll take it to Marina.
You live next door to a chap for years - you think he's a friend.
Next thing you know, he's asking you to go to Auntie Wainwright's! Just there.
I saw him in the bushes.
I deny that.
He did not SEE me in the bushes.
When I blend into the background, nobody SEES me in the bushes.
Oh.
You were IN the bushes.
Well, yes, but He was lurking in the bushes.
It was not a lurk.
It was field craft.
Field craft?! You know, the art of concealment.
Remaining invisible to the enemy.
Oh you have an enemy? Well, there's him for a start.
I mean, why me? Of all the people in the universe he has to ask ME to go to Auntie Wainwright's.
I wonder where he is.
Oh, I know where he is.
Sitting comfortably at home while I have to go to Auntie Wainwright's.
I didn't mean Howard, I meant Foggy.
He'll be along.
He's usually here by now.
He may be a big jessie but he's always punctual.
He WOULD be late today.
What's so special about it? It's his turn to buy a round.
Well, that'd explain why he's late.
Come on.
We'll go inside and check your story.
An Englishman can't even practise his lethal skills Lethal skills? That's what I've tried to explain.
I'm not just some idiot lurking about in the bushes.
I'm a trained killer.
Let's not have any trouble, sir.
He knows me.
He'll vouch for me.
Ask him.
By heck! HE looks vicious.
You've done a good job, Constable.
Eli! Get out of it! OH! Is that a new hat? No! Oh, no.
I can see it isn't.
I'm collecting jumble.
Did you find anything? Oh, yes.
I've got this suit.
I can't get into it any more.
Now it's excellent material, so we mustn't let it go for nothing.
You know the vicar does the prices.
Yes, but HE'S no idea.
He wants to submit himself to a bit of higher guidance.
Tell him to ask a woman.
At least it's a respectable garment.
Some things they give you these days are not entirely suitable for a church jumble sale.
Look at what they wear these days.
It gets so you dread hot and sunny.
You daren't go out in hot and sunny.
There's more bare flesh about than you see on a butcher's slab.
Aye.
And a lot of it looks in worse condition.
Tha long dollop! Hidin' in bushes! I won the war in Burma by hiding in bushes.
It's so humiliating - a man of my standing being suspected of those sorts of things.
I mean, do I look like a park prowler? Absolutely.
Spitting image.
You Er, wellonly from a distance.
Nice to know who your friends are.
Well, we got thee out, didn't we? Not entirely a pleasure, confessing that I needed a reference from a civilian like you.
Incidentally, while we're on the subject, I see no reason for this to go any further.
You know how people talk.
WE know.
You haven't stopped talking since you left Burma! Foggy, tha secret's safe with us.
Providing tha doesn't forget whose round it is.
Are you sure it's mine? Is tha sure tha wants us to keep this quiet? Oh, yes, it IS mine.
It is, it is.
AUNTIE WAINWRIGHT: People won't buy security lights if they can't SEE security lights.
Supposing I get electrocuted? In YOUR case it could be beneficial.
That should attract some attention.
I feel such a fool.
Why should you feel a fool? Blackpool's illuminated.
It doesn't feel a fool.
People travel miles to see the lights.
Turn round.
Maybe there should be a red light at the rear.
Supposing I overeat.
Not in my time.
Bring your own sandwiches.
Eh? You've got a switch.
Turn yourself on.
I think one of me bulbs has gone.
That's always been my impression.
Eh up! They can certainly put away some ale, can these jailbirds! (Will you keep your voice down?) Jail's not so bad.
In fact, sometimes I think that jail must be quite good.
A single cell solitaryliving peacefully on your ownwith no neighbours talking through the letterbox! What's he on about? It's Howard.
He wants Cleggy to go on an errand for him.
Oh - Marina.
Even worse.
What can be worse than Marina? Auntie Wainwright.
Howard is now in love with Auntie Wainwright?! No, you great jessie.
He wants Cleggy to go to Auntie Wainwright's for a present for Marina.
Oh.
A china shepherdess.
Seems very reasonable to me.
Has he given you the money? Yes.
Wellwhere's the problem? Now you're going out there to sell.
You'll earn a good commission.
How much? We'll discuss that later.
Keep switching your lights on - attract people's attention.
Don't creep about looking apologetic.
Here's a cyclist.
Try the effect on him.
O-oh You see? That's impact.
That's point of sale impact.
Now repeat after me - "I am going to be strong.
" I am going to be strong.
That's it.
But not strong enough.
She'll start selling thee useless rubbish, Cleggy.
She always does.
Will you be quiet? I'm trying to psych him up, prepare him mentally.
It's no good.
Of course it's some good.
Mind over matter.
Now repeat after me - "I shall be strong!" FEEBLY: I shall be strong.
To carry everything she's gonna sell thee.
"I shall be strong.
" I shall be stronghe says.
If you think it, you really will be strong.
Mind over matter.
How do you think I defeated vastly superior numbers of Japanese? Probably talked them to death.
Is that the one? That's the one.
Right, wellthat's ALL you want.
Whatever else Auntie Wainwright tries to sell you, refuse.
"I shall be strong!" I shall be strong.
I shan't butI shall be strong.
"I have confidence in my ability not to buy anything else.
" I have confidence in my ability not to go in the shop! You What? I'm not going in.
Best way, Norm.
I've psyched you up - you'll be OK.
I'll be even better if I stay here.
Oh, give ME Howard's money.
I'll go in and buy the shepherdess.
Ah! We want the best stuff in one place for one price and older stuff over there.
The kind of stuff you get given for a jumble sale! Who'd buy this? Your father, if he thought he could cannibalise it for spares.
It looks big enough to make a lorry.
Hard to believe that ladies ever wore these.
Why are you waving my old corset about? Just admiring the quality.
I wore that in several air raids.
Gave you confidence in the shelter.
With a garment like that, I'm surprised you needed a shelter.
They were a terrible garment but they were great to take off.
Your generation has no idea how much pleasure you can get from takin' one of them things off.
Stepping out of one of them was the nearest we had to going on holiday.
What are you doing? Going through the trouser pockets.
You ALWAYS go through the trouser pockets.
Force of habit.
It becomes automatic.
When you put your husband's trousers away, you go through the pockets.
I don't.
You don't go through his pockets? Never.
That's very lax.
You'll have to take your duties more seriously than that.
Going through his pockets is one of the foundations of a good marriage.
I'd never go through Barry's pockets.
Besides, he's very neat.
He always hangs his trousers up in the wardrobe.
That's suspicious for a start.
He's hiding something.
I trust my Barry.
Of course you do, love.
And so you should.
But it never hurts to check through their trouser pockets.
GLASS SHATTERS You wonder where they've been.
There's some here that are not entirely suitable for a church hall.
How long's he gonna be? I mean, how long does it take to buy one china shepherdess? He's probably telling her his war memoirs.
They deserve each other - two trained killers.
SHOP BELL RINGS Ah! Ah-ha! There we are.
Ah-ha! Mission accomplished.
That's good.
What's under tha coat? What coat? Come off it! Don't pry.
I don't think he wants to tell us.
Will you stop that? You could trigger my lethal instinct, poking about like that.
Eh up! What's this? An electric Foggy! All right, I bought a security light.
Oh! Well, I-I've always wanted a security light.
What's tha gonna do with security lights? I'm going to resell them.
I got 'em at a good price.
I know a bargain when I see one.
I could make a handsome profit here.
Wherewhere's tha gonna find an idiot who's going to buy security lights? Don't look at ME.
What do I want with security lights? You live alone.
You ought to have them.
They'll come on if you've got an intruder.
I'd die if they came on! If I've got an intruder, I don't want to know.
But you see, you've got very lax security here.
You really do need security lights.
No! Did he get my china shepherdess? Welcome, Howard.
Just the man.
Did he get my china shepherdess? Not only your china shepherdess but also Come in, Howard.
Come in.
It comes on as soon as anybody comes near? As soon as anyone comes near, a blaze of light.
I like it! Can we try it? Away you go.
O-oh But what do I want with security lights? A present for Marina.
She wants a china shepherdess.
Well, you'll be spoiling her.
She gets a china shepherdess and security lights as well.
Isn't love grand? Howard, think of her as a lighthouse - she'd be a warning to sailors.
Howard! Careful! There might be somebody watching.
Out here? Who could be watching? I can think of several.
Squeeze me, Howard.
No, not here, love.
I have to be careful in case I break a bulb.
A bulb? I've bought you a security light.
For me, Howard? A security light? That's thoughtful.
Tha's got a sale there, Foggy.
BOOM! Oh-ho-ho! I think Howard's just blown a fuse.
I should've got the money first.
I hope it hasn't permanently singed Howard's love-life.
It'll teach him to talk through my letterbox! BBC Scotland 1993
I WAS looking forward to three.
Have I nothing to do but fill you with tea? You're impossible to fill with tea.
You're like a bottomless pit! Oh, look at you.
No wonder you can't find yourself a regular job.
I AM retired.
Retarded is closer.
A nice sight first thing in the morning.
My bird's arms round another man.
First thing in the morning? It's nearly dinnertime.
Hope it lasts longer than breakfast.
Get something on! You shouldn't be standing at the window in that derelict underwear.
I'd be asleep if it weren't for the noise of thee throwing Smiler out.
Every morning's the same - I can't hear meself sleep for the noise of thee throwing Smiler out.
And now I catch you in his arms, actually handlin' him.
Look, if tha wants to get physical, that's what I'M here for.
I only helped him with his raincoat.
All right, I'll get a raincoat.
(Cleggy! (Let me in, Cleggy.
) Why are you talking through my letterbox, Howard? (I didn't want Pearl to hear me knocking on your door.
) One of those, is it? (Let me in, Cleggy.
) Where IS Pearl? Doing the bedrooms.
Where are you supposed to be? In the kitchen, polishing brasses.
Mm.
If she finds me here, I came to get brass-polishing tips from an ex-serviceman.
Ex-serviceman? Me?! You were in the war.
Even when I was a serviceman, I looked more like an EX-serviceman.
Me and a lot of others did four years without ever seriously endangering our amateur status.
DOG PIDDLES Never saw me, did you? I didn't expect you to.
I'm not criticising, but it'd take a sharper eye than yours to spot Corporal Dewhurst hiding in a bush.
What you doin' in there? Oh, just keeping the old hand in.
Taking advantage of natural cover.
Why? Why?! Because that is what I do.
It is the way of the Samurai.
When you have these skills, you have to keep 'em sharp.
How do you think Yehudi Menuhin keeps so sharp on the piano? It's the violin.
Well, I KNOW it's the violin but he usually keeps it on the piano.
Here.
Thanks, love.
They been in yet? No, it's been peaceful.
Give us a tea, love.
Any free buns? No! I mean, really tatty, eugh, cor, phew, free buns? It all goes to the birds.
Charming! I shall have to grow some feathers.
It'd look tidier than what YOU'RE wearing.
Eh up! .
.
Hey! RATTLE OF COINS How do? Enjoyin' the scone? Aye.
Very nice.
My favourites too.
I like scones.
COMPO WHISTLES Eugh! Eugh! By gum! Is that the time? I must be going.
Is tha leaving tha scones? Aye.
You have them.
Where's he gone? He seemed in a bit of a hurry.
No, Howard.
I'd do it for you.
You wouldn't have to.
I haven't got a girlfriend.
I wouldn't call her a girlfriend.
The lady's just someone with whom I share certain interests infurther educational matters.
And how does Pearl feel about 'further education'? She's against it.
That's why I can't buy it meself.
If Pearl hears that I've bought a china shepherdess she'll want to know what for.
I'd do it for you if it was anywhere but Auntie Wainwright's.
It's in her window.
Oh, why can't you go to Auntie Wainwright's? She never knows how to stop selling you things.
All you have to do is say no.
That shows how much YOU know.
I'm not getting involved with you and Marina.
You don't have to go anywhere near Marina.
Just bring me the china shepherdess.
I'll take it to Marina.
You live next door to a chap for years - you think he's a friend.
Next thing you know, he's asking you to go to Auntie Wainwright's! Just there.
I saw him in the bushes.
I deny that.
He did not SEE me in the bushes.
When I blend into the background, nobody SEES me in the bushes.
Oh.
You were IN the bushes.
Well, yes, but He was lurking in the bushes.
It was not a lurk.
It was field craft.
Field craft?! You know, the art of concealment.
Remaining invisible to the enemy.
Oh you have an enemy? Well, there's him for a start.
I mean, why me? Of all the people in the universe he has to ask ME to go to Auntie Wainwright's.
I wonder where he is.
Oh, I know where he is.
Sitting comfortably at home while I have to go to Auntie Wainwright's.
I didn't mean Howard, I meant Foggy.
He'll be along.
He's usually here by now.
He may be a big jessie but he's always punctual.
He WOULD be late today.
What's so special about it? It's his turn to buy a round.
Well, that'd explain why he's late.
Come on.
We'll go inside and check your story.
An Englishman can't even practise his lethal skills Lethal skills? That's what I've tried to explain.
I'm not just some idiot lurking about in the bushes.
I'm a trained killer.
Let's not have any trouble, sir.
He knows me.
He'll vouch for me.
Ask him.
By heck! HE looks vicious.
You've done a good job, Constable.
Eli! Get out of it! OH! Is that a new hat? No! Oh, no.
I can see it isn't.
I'm collecting jumble.
Did you find anything? Oh, yes.
I've got this suit.
I can't get into it any more.
Now it's excellent material, so we mustn't let it go for nothing.
You know the vicar does the prices.
Yes, but HE'S no idea.
He wants to submit himself to a bit of higher guidance.
Tell him to ask a woman.
At least it's a respectable garment.
Some things they give you these days are not entirely suitable for a church jumble sale.
Look at what they wear these days.
It gets so you dread hot and sunny.
You daren't go out in hot and sunny.
There's more bare flesh about than you see on a butcher's slab.
Aye.
And a lot of it looks in worse condition.
Tha long dollop! Hidin' in bushes! I won the war in Burma by hiding in bushes.
It's so humiliating - a man of my standing being suspected of those sorts of things.
I mean, do I look like a park prowler? Absolutely.
Spitting image.
You Er, wellonly from a distance.
Nice to know who your friends are.
Well, we got thee out, didn't we? Not entirely a pleasure, confessing that I needed a reference from a civilian like you.
Incidentally, while we're on the subject, I see no reason for this to go any further.
You know how people talk.
WE know.
You haven't stopped talking since you left Burma! Foggy, tha secret's safe with us.
Providing tha doesn't forget whose round it is.
Are you sure it's mine? Is tha sure tha wants us to keep this quiet? Oh, yes, it IS mine.
It is, it is.
AUNTIE WAINWRIGHT: People won't buy security lights if they can't SEE security lights.
Supposing I get electrocuted? In YOUR case it could be beneficial.
That should attract some attention.
I feel such a fool.
Why should you feel a fool? Blackpool's illuminated.
It doesn't feel a fool.
People travel miles to see the lights.
Turn round.
Maybe there should be a red light at the rear.
Supposing I overeat.
Not in my time.
Bring your own sandwiches.
Eh? You've got a switch.
Turn yourself on.
I think one of me bulbs has gone.
That's always been my impression.
Eh up! They can certainly put away some ale, can these jailbirds! (Will you keep your voice down?) Jail's not so bad.
In fact, sometimes I think that jail must be quite good.
A single cell solitaryliving peacefully on your ownwith no neighbours talking through the letterbox! What's he on about? It's Howard.
He wants Cleggy to go on an errand for him.
Oh - Marina.
Even worse.
What can be worse than Marina? Auntie Wainwright.
Howard is now in love with Auntie Wainwright?! No, you great jessie.
He wants Cleggy to go to Auntie Wainwright's for a present for Marina.
Oh.
A china shepherdess.
Seems very reasonable to me.
Has he given you the money? Yes.
Wellwhere's the problem? Now you're going out there to sell.
You'll earn a good commission.
How much? We'll discuss that later.
Keep switching your lights on - attract people's attention.
Don't creep about looking apologetic.
Here's a cyclist.
Try the effect on him.
O-oh You see? That's impact.
That's point of sale impact.
Now repeat after me - "I am going to be strong.
" I am going to be strong.
That's it.
But not strong enough.
She'll start selling thee useless rubbish, Cleggy.
She always does.
Will you be quiet? I'm trying to psych him up, prepare him mentally.
It's no good.
Of course it's some good.
Mind over matter.
Now repeat after me - "I shall be strong!" FEEBLY: I shall be strong.
To carry everything she's gonna sell thee.
"I shall be strong.
" I shall be stronghe says.
If you think it, you really will be strong.
Mind over matter.
How do you think I defeated vastly superior numbers of Japanese? Probably talked them to death.
Is that the one? That's the one.
Right, wellthat's ALL you want.
Whatever else Auntie Wainwright tries to sell you, refuse.
"I shall be strong!" I shall be strong.
I shan't butI shall be strong.
"I have confidence in my ability not to buy anything else.
" I have confidence in my ability not to go in the shop! You What? I'm not going in.
Best way, Norm.
I've psyched you up - you'll be OK.
I'll be even better if I stay here.
Oh, give ME Howard's money.
I'll go in and buy the shepherdess.
Ah! We want the best stuff in one place for one price and older stuff over there.
The kind of stuff you get given for a jumble sale! Who'd buy this? Your father, if he thought he could cannibalise it for spares.
It looks big enough to make a lorry.
Hard to believe that ladies ever wore these.
Why are you waving my old corset about? Just admiring the quality.
I wore that in several air raids.
Gave you confidence in the shelter.
With a garment like that, I'm surprised you needed a shelter.
They were a terrible garment but they were great to take off.
Your generation has no idea how much pleasure you can get from takin' one of them things off.
Stepping out of one of them was the nearest we had to going on holiday.
What are you doing? Going through the trouser pockets.
You ALWAYS go through the trouser pockets.
Force of habit.
It becomes automatic.
When you put your husband's trousers away, you go through the pockets.
I don't.
You don't go through his pockets? Never.
That's very lax.
You'll have to take your duties more seriously than that.
Going through his pockets is one of the foundations of a good marriage.
I'd never go through Barry's pockets.
Besides, he's very neat.
He always hangs his trousers up in the wardrobe.
That's suspicious for a start.
He's hiding something.
I trust my Barry.
Of course you do, love.
And so you should.
But it never hurts to check through their trouser pockets.
GLASS SHATTERS You wonder where they've been.
There's some here that are not entirely suitable for a church hall.
How long's he gonna be? I mean, how long does it take to buy one china shepherdess? He's probably telling her his war memoirs.
They deserve each other - two trained killers.
SHOP BELL RINGS Ah! Ah-ha! There we are.
Ah-ha! Mission accomplished.
That's good.
What's under tha coat? What coat? Come off it! Don't pry.
I don't think he wants to tell us.
Will you stop that? You could trigger my lethal instinct, poking about like that.
Eh up! What's this? An electric Foggy! All right, I bought a security light.
Oh! Well, I-I've always wanted a security light.
What's tha gonna do with security lights? I'm going to resell them.
I got 'em at a good price.
I know a bargain when I see one.
I could make a handsome profit here.
Wherewhere's tha gonna find an idiot who's going to buy security lights? Don't look at ME.
What do I want with security lights? You live alone.
You ought to have them.
They'll come on if you've got an intruder.
I'd die if they came on! If I've got an intruder, I don't want to know.
But you see, you've got very lax security here.
You really do need security lights.
No! Did he get my china shepherdess? Welcome, Howard.
Just the man.
Did he get my china shepherdess? Not only your china shepherdess but also Come in, Howard.
Come in.
It comes on as soon as anybody comes near? As soon as anyone comes near, a blaze of light.
I like it! Can we try it? Away you go.
O-oh But what do I want with security lights? A present for Marina.
She wants a china shepherdess.
Well, you'll be spoiling her.
She gets a china shepherdess and security lights as well.
Isn't love grand? Howard, think of her as a lighthouse - she'd be a warning to sailors.
Howard! Careful! There might be somebody watching.
Out here? Who could be watching? I can think of several.
Squeeze me, Howard.
No, not here, love.
I have to be careful in case I break a bulb.
A bulb? I've bought you a security light.
For me, Howard? A security light? That's thoughtful.
Tha's got a sale there, Foggy.
BOOM! Oh-ho-ho! I think Howard's just blown a fuse.
I should've got the money first.
I hope it hasn't permanently singed Howard's love-life.
It'll teach him to talk through my letterbox! BBC Scotland 1993