Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s16e05 Episode Script
Once In A Moonlit Junkyard
What's the matter? Is he dead? No.
He's not dead.
Only fainted.
Had an attack.
Oh, you poor thing.
Whatever have you done? It must be wearing these wellies so long.
It's sapped all me energy.
Listen, lass, could I have a cup of sweet tea? Or a drop of whisky? Can you stand? It came over me all of a sudden! I thought, "I've got to get to her!" Do you want a doctor? No.
Just a cup of tea and sympathy.
Ohor a drop of whisky.
Aaaaaagh! Get out, you crafty devil ! Nothing wrong with you! There was.
It's magic! Tha' must be a healer! Tha' must have healing fingers! It's a miracle! One cuddle and I'm cured! If I have a relapse can I pop round again? Get off! Cleggy! The answer is NO, Howard.
I haven't even asked you yet! It's still NO ! Just a little favour.
You always get me involved, then Pearl finds out.
How is Pearl going to find out? He's right.
You should listen to Cleggy.
Good morning, madam.
I wonder Excuse me, sir, have you been saved? Saved? Oh, yes! I was once.
By the sound of a snapping twig.
We were in the deadly blackness of the jungle.
We knew the enemy weren't far away.
You can smell 'em.
They have a different odour.
It's the Japanese tobacco.
We didn't last long if we couldn't tell it from Woodbines.
We spent the night expecting to be attacked.
My chaps' nerves were twangling! Suddenly I heard this twig snap.
Would you care to read this? No more than 10 yards away.
Are you interested in? Slipping me jungle knife between me teeth, I crawled towards the sound.
I remember at one point I put me hand on a snake.
Could I interest you in a subscription? So, lying there quietly, making no sound, I had to strangle the snake between me thumb and finger.
How do, Howard? Ssssh! Keep your voice down! What's the matter with you? I live under permanent tension.
It's a sort of executive stress.
Tell Cleggy to ring this number.
Whose number is it? Never mind.
Just tell him to ring it.
When? Now! There's a lot of window traffic.
We've the busiest window in town.
Tha''s looking tasty.
And HE'S looking guilty.
What's going on? I don't know what you mean.
Can't hang about.
Give us a kiss.
No.
Don't bother! I didn't know how many of them there were.
I couldn't risk a shot.
No.
It had to be the knife.
It's been nice talking to you.
Your best friend in the jungle, the knife.
Used to strop it on the boots of dead Japanese.
Must be going.
So, slipping the knife quietly from me teeth, I began to crawl the last few yards towards the enemy.
Have a pamphlet.
I don't suppose you've ever been taught the best place to strike with a knife? No.
I thought not, no.
We had to learn, and learn fast.
It's here.
Just about here.
Listen.
Is somebody calling? It was.
It was somebody calling.
Not only heard the call but keeps on hearing it.
I had a spiritual experience this morning.
I met a young man who heard voices.
A lot of people get that.
Noisy neighbours.
No.
It wasn't noisy neighbours! It was more mysterious.
I was speaking to him when suddenly this voice, whatever it was, called him away.
Heard of that before.
I bet you were telling one of your war stories.
The youth practically dragged it out of me.
I often hear voices.
There's one in particular that keeps going, "Cleggy! Cleggy!" YOU hear voices? All the time.
It's Howard wanting me to contact Marina.
That reminds me tha' never rang that number.
It's Howard's number! He's trying to get me involved.
Then Pearl finds out and I get dirty looks that take all the paint off me windows.
I thought it was sunlight that was flaking me paintwork, but it's Pearl.
You ought to ring.
It might be important.
THEE ring him! Very well, then.
I'LL ring Howard.
Paddle on.
FOOTSTEPS What are you doing hanging about by the telephone? By the telephone? I was just studying this picture.
You've never looked at it before.
I know.
That's one of the tragedies of life.
We all pass by without taking time to stop and study things.
Don't let me catch you stopping and studying things.
Especially that thing you keep sneaking off to.
Suddenly he's an art critic (!) You can't NOT ring him.
It's not always bound to be Marina.
It always has been up to now.
If I weren't spoken for, I could go for that Marina.
That would be a thrill for her (!) Listen, I have brought happiness to a few women in my life.
Every time you say goodbye (!) Are you sure you won't ring him? Yes.
Somebody ought to ring him.
Very well, then, I'LL do it.
But YOU provide the change.
Big spender (!) I'm willing to provide the change, so long as I don't have to ring him.
I haven't got the coins that fit.
Hey-up! It's a purse! I haven't got the right coins either.
I need all my small change for the gee-gees.
In any case, it's right down inside my linings.
You know D'you know how many muggings there are daily in the cities? No.
How many? I don't know exactly.
How am I supposed to know exactly HOW many? There's a lot, that's all.
When you asked me if I knew, I thought that YOU knew.
I know there's TOO many.
Be thankful we're out in the wilds where it doesn't happen.
We get a bit of sheep-stealing, but we can cope with that.
I hate sheep-stealing.
I had to drive with the evidence bleating in the back seat.
Main thing is, you don't see old people being mugged.
Do I LOOK like somebody who'd mug someone? It LOOKED like a mugging.
It FELT like mugging to me! I was an innocent by-stander.
You were holding one of his legs.
One leg! You hold ONE leg and people think you're mugging.
RING About time, Cleggy! I've been standing here waiting! I don't know where Pearl is.
She's out somewhere, thank goodness.
'You've no idea what it's like living with a suspicious person.
'When I'm NOT up to something I FEEL like I'm up to something.
' Don't argue with me, Cleggy.
It's simple what I want you to do.
'Don't interrupt me.
Just listen.
' He's engaged.
It's fate, you see.
Something's telling us to keep away from Howard.
Nonsense.
We'll try again later.
Let's have a drink.
Somebody else will have to get them in, I've just been mugged.
I'll get them.
Well spoken, Norman.
I'll try Howard again.
Why's he gossiping when people are trying to reach him? He leaves a message to ring him, then there he is on the phone, gossiping.
RING Hello.
Foggy? What can I do for you? Cleggy wants to know what I want him to do? I've just TOLD him! Has he forgotten already?! I'll tell you once more before Pearl gets back.
Make sure he gets it right.
I want him to Conniving little devil ! I'll kill him.
I knew he was up to something.
And Norman Clegg! Hello, love.
Just calling the speaking clock.
Were you really? What a good idea.
How interesting.
It's something you've never done for years.
Just what I was thinking.
D'you mind if I have a listen? Well, of course, love.
Come and listen to the SPEAKING CLOCK.
At the third stroke, it will be 12.
28 precisely.
Beep! Beep! Beep! At the third stroke, it will be 12.
28 and ten seconds precisely.
Beep! Beep! Beep! At the third stroke What's up with him? Don't ask us.
A perfect stranger to us! You came in with him! That's true, but we just don't like to admit it.
Oh, you think he's a bituh? Oh, he's quite a lot Nothing serious.
He thinks he's a clock.
Aye.
Ye gods! He's just a bit slow.
And what kind of clock is he (?) Grandmother Grandfather.
Tuesdays he's a grandmother.
Other days he's a grandfather.
Yes.
Why is that man looking at me like that? He's waiting for thee to chime! Suddenly there she was, Pearl, on the phone, expecting the speaking clock.
I think I handled it rather well.
Nice to know the old training still counts.
The reactions are still sharp.
Barman thought thee were marvellous.
And very accurate.
Howard wants us to meet him at Auntie Wainwright's.
Why not meet somewhere safer like the middle of the motorway (?) He's bought something for Marina and wants us to help him carry it.
Why doesn't Wesley pick it up for him? Because he wants the job done by persons he can trust.
Give over! Well, I don't trust Auntie Wainwright.
We're just collecting, not buying.
What's he bought for Marina? I don't know.
None of OUR business.
Does it matter? Good grief! I'm surrounded by the over-cautious.
Could we please have a little gung-ho? Hey-up! And kung fu to you, too! A cast iron bath? Couldn't tha' have bought her a pair of earrings or summat? CLANG ! I went in for earrings, but Auntie Wainwright sold me a bath.
Fortunately, Marina's always wanted a cast iron bath.
They're in fashion.
For bathing in, not for carrying.
How far have we got to carry this? Just to Marina's.
We'll never carry it THAT far.
Clegg, see if Auntie Wainwright's got a trolley.
I'm not going in there without a crucifix and garlic! We only want to borrow it.
Just for a change, let ME make a decision.
YOU go in and borrow the trolley.
Yes, very well.
We'll ALL go in.
Now, watch my signals.
Follow me.
Watch MY signals.
Good idea, having our coffee outside in the fresh air.
I hope it won't be damp.
We're taking a rug.
We're the wrong age to be damp.
It's ages since I've had a picnic.
It's ages since I've been damp.
My Barry likes a picnic.
After a day in the building society, he loves to be informal on the grass.
Be quiet, girl ! You weren't brought up to be informal on the grass.
Oh, Mother! Any leanings towards lolling on the grass are from your father's side.
Must be almost 40 years.
What must? Since I last had a picnic.
He got nettled.
They do.
They sprawl about and have a gift for getting nettled.
I hope there won't be any creepie-crawlies.
You're in the mood to enjoy this, aren't you (?) I've never been much for outdoors.
Nothing within reach to polish.
Outdoors is all right for men.
They like wasting time.
Don't they?! My Barry thinks nature's wonderful.
How would HE know in a building society? They've got a beautiful calendar.
CRUNCHES GEARS Has your father been playing with this again? I don't think so.
I'm sure this gear thing wasn't here last week.
It was here.
Now we've got something to carry the bath ON.
Planning, you see.
If you return my trolley in pristine condition, you can have your deposit back.
Let's get the bath on this and go.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What's the rush? It's got to be in a certain place at a certain time.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
I don't know! The pace of modern life! Why not relax for a minute and contemplate some of my bargain prices? You couldn't have called at a better moment.
"They've heard", I thought, about my bargain offers.
Shrewd people", I thought.
Can we go? There can't be any harm in LOOKING at the lady's bargain offers.
What do I want with an old mop? Why did tha' buy it? I didn't BUY it, it was SOLD to me.
We've got some real bargains here.
You know, I've always wanted a well, one of these.
I spotted it at once.
I've always wanted one of these.
He DOES talk some jollop! Why didn't you buy anything? How come YOU got away with it? She knows I never have money.
You lucky swine.
Move! This bath's going to be late! We passed a dozen places as good as this.
Trust me.
It might be interesting here.
Why? Isn't that were Marina lives? Oh, is it? Aaagh! Aaaagh! Help! Help! Call the fire brigade! Help! Nora! It's a Morgan three-wheeler.
It's years since I saw one.
HE-ELP ! Ah! # Oh, I do like a rub-a-dub-dub In a a tub-tub-tub! # You fool ! You've lost my deposit! Ohh! Will tha' mind what tha's doing with them antlers? Stop complaining.
The last thing I need is to be prodded with antlers.
Keep in step, man.
I keep tripping over me mop.
We'll never get there on time! All right.
Hold it.
Listen All right, all right.
Here's what we do.
We put myanimal head on top of the bath and Clegg's mop.
Then they'll be out of the way.
I happen to know a short cut to Marina's.
I'll bet you do after all these years! This grass is damp.
It's NOT damp.
I'm very sensitive to damp.
After a certain age, your body is increasingly sensitive to damp.
My Barry soon gets damp.
We don't wish to hear that.
People don't expect that kind of thing of people who work in building societies.
I only said he I know what you said.
Oh, my God! What's that? Whatever IS it? I don't know.
But I hope there's not a pair.
You see? I told you.
Interesting.
What on earth is this? I know that voice! It's just a passing bath (!) I know that voice, too! The next vehicle that speeds, we'll have it.
I hope you're not going to start driving fast.
I hate that.
Nothing's going to speed on MY patch.
TROTTING BBC Scotland, 1993
He's not dead.
Only fainted.
Had an attack.
Oh, you poor thing.
Whatever have you done? It must be wearing these wellies so long.
It's sapped all me energy.
Listen, lass, could I have a cup of sweet tea? Or a drop of whisky? Can you stand? It came over me all of a sudden! I thought, "I've got to get to her!" Do you want a doctor? No.
Just a cup of tea and sympathy.
Ohor a drop of whisky.
Aaaaaagh! Get out, you crafty devil ! Nothing wrong with you! There was.
It's magic! Tha' must be a healer! Tha' must have healing fingers! It's a miracle! One cuddle and I'm cured! If I have a relapse can I pop round again? Get off! Cleggy! The answer is NO, Howard.
I haven't even asked you yet! It's still NO ! Just a little favour.
You always get me involved, then Pearl finds out.
How is Pearl going to find out? He's right.
You should listen to Cleggy.
Good morning, madam.
I wonder Excuse me, sir, have you been saved? Saved? Oh, yes! I was once.
By the sound of a snapping twig.
We were in the deadly blackness of the jungle.
We knew the enemy weren't far away.
You can smell 'em.
They have a different odour.
It's the Japanese tobacco.
We didn't last long if we couldn't tell it from Woodbines.
We spent the night expecting to be attacked.
My chaps' nerves were twangling! Suddenly I heard this twig snap.
Would you care to read this? No more than 10 yards away.
Are you interested in? Slipping me jungle knife between me teeth, I crawled towards the sound.
I remember at one point I put me hand on a snake.
Could I interest you in a subscription? So, lying there quietly, making no sound, I had to strangle the snake between me thumb and finger.
How do, Howard? Ssssh! Keep your voice down! What's the matter with you? I live under permanent tension.
It's a sort of executive stress.
Tell Cleggy to ring this number.
Whose number is it? Never mind.
Just tell him to ring it.
When? Now! There's a lot of window traffic.
We've the busiest window in town.
Tha''s looking tasty.
And HE'S looking guilty.
What's going on? I don't know what you mean.
Can't hang about.
Give us a kiss.
No.
Don't bother! I didn't know how many of them there were.
I couldn't risk a shot.
No.
It had to be the knife.
It's been nice talking to you.
Your best friend in the jungle, the knife.
Used to strop it on the boots of dead Japanese.
Must be going.
So, slipping the knife quietly from me teeth, I began to crawl the last few yards towards the enemy.
Have a pamphlet.
I don't suppose you've ever been taught the best place to strike with a knife? No.
I thought not, no.
We had to learn, and learn fast.
It's here.
Just about here.
Listen.
Is somebody calling? It was.
It was somebody calling.
Not only heard the call but keeps on hearing it.
I had a spiritual experience this morning.
I met a young man who heard voices.
A lot of people get that.
Noisy neighbours.
No.
It wasn't noisy neighbours! It was more mysterious.
I was speaking to him when suddenly this voice, whatever it was, called him away.
Heard of that before.
I bet you were telling one of your war stories.
The youth practically dragged it out of me.
I often hear voices.
There's one in particular that keeps going, "Cleggy! Cleggy!" YOU hear voices? All the time.
It's Howard wanting me to contact Marina.
That reminds me tha' never rang that number.
It's Howard's number! He's trying to get me involved.
Then Pearl finds out and I get dirty looks that take all the paint off me windows.
I thought it was sunlight that was flaking me paintwork, but it's Pearl.
You ought to ring.
It might be important.
THEE ring him! Very well, then.
I'LL ring Howard.
Paddle on.
FOOTSTEPS What are you doing hanging about by the telephone? By the telephone? I was just studying this picture.
You've never looked at it before.
I know.
That's one of the tragedies of life.
We all pass by without taking time to stop and study things.
Don't let me catch you stopping and studying things.
Especially that thing you keep sneaking off to.
Suddenly he's an art critic (!) You can't NOT ring him.
It's not always bound to be Marina.
It always has been up to now.
If I weren't spoken for, I could go for that Marina.
That would be a thrill for her (!) Listen, I have brought happiness to a few women in my life.
Every time you say goodbye (!) Are you sure you won't ring him? Yes.
Somebody ought to ring him.
Very well, then, I'LL do it.
But YOU provide the change.
Big spender (!) I'm willing to provide the change, so long as I don't have to ring him.
I haven't got the coins that fit.
Hey-up! It's a purse! I haven't got the right coins either.
I need all my small change for the gee-gees.
In any case, it's right down inside my linings.
You know D'you know how many muggings there are daily in the cities? No.
How many? I don't know exactly.
How am I supposed to know exactly HOW many? There's a lot, that's all.
When you asked me if I knew, I thought that YOU knew.
I know there's TOO many.
Be thankful we're out in the wilds where it doesn't happen.
We get a bit of sheep-stealing, but we can cope with that.
I hate sheep-stealing.
I had to drive with the evidence bleating in the back seat.
Main thing is, you don't see old people being mugged.
Do I LOOK like somebody who'd mug someone? It LOOKED like a mugging.
It FELT like mugging to me! I was an innocent by-stander.
You were holding one of his legs.
One leg! You hold ONE leg and people think you're mugging.
RING About time, Cleggy! I've been standing here waiting! I don't know where Pearl is.
She's out somewhere, thank goodness.
'You've no idea what it's like living with a suspicious person.
'When I'm NOT up to something I FEEL like I'm up to something.
' Don't argue with me, Cleggy.
It's simple what I want you to do.
'Don't interrupt me.
Just listen.
' He's engaged.
It's fate, you see.
Something's telling us to keep away from Howard.
Nonsense.
We'll try again later.
Let's have a drink.
Somebody else will have to get them in, I've just been mugged.
I'll get them.
Well spoken, Norman.
I'll try Howard again.
Why's he gossiping when people are trying to reach him? He leaves a message to ring him, then there he is on the phone, gossiping.
RING Hello.
Foggy? What can I do for you? Cleggy wants to know what I want him to do? I've just TOLD him! Has he forgotten already?! I'll tell you once more before Pearl gets back.
Make sure he gets it right.
I want him to Conniving little devil ! I'll kill him.
I knew he was up to something.
And Norman Clegg! Hello, love.
Just calling the speaking clock.
Were you really? What a good idea.
How interesting.
It's something you've never done for years.
Just what I was thinking.
D'you mind if I have a listen? Well, of course, love.
Come and listen to the SPEAKING CLOCK.
At the third stroke, it will be 12.
28 precisely.
Beep! Beep! Beep! At the third stroke, it will be 12.
28 and ten seconds precisely.
Beep! Beep! Beep! At the third stroke What's up with him? Don't ask us.
A perfect stranger to us! You came in with him! That's true, but we just don't like to admit it.
Oh, you think he's a bituh? Oh, he's quite a lot Nothing serious.
He thinks he's a clock.
Aye.
Ye gods! He's just a bit slow.
And what kind of clock is he (?) Grandmother Grandfather.
Tuesdays he's a grandmother.
Other days he's a grandfather.
Yes.
Why is that man looking at me like that? He's waiting for thee to chime! Suddenly there she was, Pearl, on the phone, expecting the speaking clock.
I think I handled it rather well.
Nice to know the old training still counts.
The reactions are still sharp.
Barman thought thee were marvellous.
And very accurate.
Howard wants us to meet him at Auntie Wainwright's.
Why not meet somewhere safer like the middle of the motorway (?) He's bought something for Marina and wants us to help him carry it.
Why doesn't Wesley pick it up for him? Because he wants the job done by persons he can trust.
Give over! Well, I don't trust Auntie Wainwright.
We're just collecting, not buying.
What's he bought for Marina? I don't know.
None of OUR business.
Does it matter? Good grief! I'm surrounded by the over-cautious.
Could we please have a little gung-ho? Hey-up! And kung fu to you, too! A cast iron bath? Couldn't tha' have bought her a pair of earrings or summat? CLANG ! I went in for earrings, but Auntie Wainwright sold me a bath.
Fortunately, Marina's always wanted a cast iron bath.
They're in fashion.
For bathing in, not for carrying.
How far have we got to carry this? Just to Marina's.
We'll never carry it THAT far.
Clegg, see if Auntie Wainwright's got a trolley.
I'm not going in there without a crucifix and garlic! We only want to borrow it.
Just for a change, let ME make a decision.
YOU go in and borrow the trolley.
Yes, very well.
We'll ALL go in.
Now, watch my signals.
Follow me.
Watch MY signals.
Good idea, having our coffee outside in the fresh air.
I hope it won't be damp.
We're taking a rug.
We're the wrong age to be damp.
It's ages since I've had a picnic.
It's ages since I've been damp.
My Barry likes a picnic.
After a day in the building society, he loves to be informal on the grass.
Be quiet, girl ! You weren't brought up to be informal on the grass.
Oh, Mother! Any leanings towards lolling on the grass are from your father's side.
Must be almost 40 years.
What must? Since I last had a picnic.
He got nettled.
They do.
They sprawl about and have a gift for getting nettled.
I hope there won't be any creepie-crawlies.
You're in the mood to enjoy this, aren't you (?) I've never been much for outdoors.
Nothing within reach to polish.
Outdoors is all right for men.
They like wasting time.
Don't they?! My Barry thinks nature's wonderful.
How would HE know in a building society? They've got a beautiful calendar.
CRUNCHES GEARS Has your father been playing with this again? I don't think so.
I'm sure this gear thing wasn't here last week.
It was here.
Now we've got something to carry the bath ON.
Planning, you see.
If you return my trolley in pristine condition, you can have your deposit back.
Let's get the bath on this and go.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What's the rush? It's got to be in a certain place at a certain time.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
I don't know! The pace of modern life! Why not relax for a minute and contemplate some of my bargain prices? You couldn't have called at a better moment.
"They've heard", I thought, about my bargain offers.
Shrewd people", I thought.
Can we go? There can't be any harm in LOOKING at the lady's bargain offers.
What do I want with an old mop? Why did tha' buy it? I didn't BUY it, it was SOLD to me.
We've got some real bargains here.
You know, I've always wanted a well, one of these.
I spotted it at once.
I've always wanted one of these.
He DOES talk some jollop! Why didn't you buy anything? How come YOU got away with it? She knows I never have money.
You lucky swine.
Move! This bath's going to be late! We passed a dozen places as good as this.
Trust me.
It might be interesting here.
Why? Isn't that were Marina lives? Oh, is it? Aaagh! Aaaagh! Help! Help! Call the fire brigade! Help! Nora! It's a Morgan three-wheeler.
It's years since I saw one.
HE-ELP ! Ah! # Oh, I do like a rub-a-dub-dub In a a tub-tub-tub! # You fool ! You've lost my deposit! Ohh! Will tha' mind what tha's doing with them antlers? Stop complaining.
The last thing I need is to be prodded with antlers.
Keep in step, man.
I keep tripping over me mop.
We'll never get there on time! All right.
Hold it.
Listen All right, all right.
Here's what we do.
We put myanimal head on top of the bath and Clegg's mop.
Then they'll be out of the way.
I happen to know a short cut to Marina's.
I'll bet you do after all these years! This grass is damp.
It's NOT damp.
I'm very sensitive to damp.
After a certain age, your body is increasingly sensitive to damp.
My Barry soon gets damp.
We don't wish to hear that.
People don't expect that kind of thing of people who work in building societies.
I only said he I know what you said.
Oh, my God! What's that? Whatever IS it? I don't know.
But I hope there's not a pair.
You see? I told you.
Interesting.
What on earth is this? I know that voice! It's just a passing bath (!) I know that voice, too! The next vehicle that speeds, we'll have it.
I hope you're not going to start driving fast.
I hate that.
Nothing's going to speed on MY patch.
TROTTING BBC Scotland, 1993