Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s16e08 Episode Script

Oh, No-o-o-o-r-r-a-a-a-a! This is your friendly neighbour here - Old Poetry in Motion - starving for affection, or anything else edible tha might have to eat on the premises.
Anything you can spare would be gratefully received.
Is that your final word? Oh, goody-goody - seconds(!) Oh, come in, Howard.
Don't just hang about on the doorstep(!) I've popped in to see if you'd do me a favour.
Without a moment's hesitation, the answer is NO.
Don't be like that.
Take your own notes to Marina.
How did you know it was that? The answer is NO, Howard.
I'm terrified of Marina.
Funny - I'm terrified of Pearl! I'm terrified of Pearl as well.
There's no danger.
Marina's at work.
You're going shopping, anyway.
Just go through Marina's checkout, and while you pay you can slip her this note.
I'll get confused.
I'll end up being engaged to be married or something.
There'll be a snag.
There always is.
How CAN there be? No-one will notice you among the others.
You take it, then! I've been in that supermarket so often they're beginning to notice.
Last time, the other cashiers clapped! So what if they clap ME?! They'll not clap you.
You're a stranger.
Not as strange as you, Howard.
Hello, is that the Royal College of Heralds? It is, oh Are you sure? You sound just like the girl at the Gas Board.
I thought at your place there'd be a fanfare of trumpets or something.
What do I want? What I want, young lady, is to make enquiries about my coat of arms.
No, I haven't got one.
I'm thinking of getting one.
What have you got "off the peg"? I'm looking for something with a dagger in it.
And I-I want a motto, a Latin motto, you know? Er, "Silent and Deadly".
No, no, no, scrub that.
"LOYAL, Silent and Deadly.
" Yes, that's better.
Yes.
Have my two chaps been in yet, Ivy? No, only business-type customers so far.
You're the first Tinker Bell this morning.
The day'll come when you'll be very proud to have me as a customer.
The first time you buy a meal will be a start.
Talking about meals, could you cater for me if I came in the mornings for the BARONIAL breakfast? The what?! The baronial breakfast.
You know the kind of thing! Picture the scene - the stately home, the dining room, ancient oak furniture, the sideboard groaning under silver dishes full of things like devilled kidneys, Gentleman's Relish.
You'll have egg, bacon and sausage, like everybody else.
Beans are extra.
Right, you're in the mood for a big breakfast, what will it be? I-I think I'll wait till the other two get here.
In fact, I'll go and roust them out now.
Gentleman's Relish! Not often you see a big breakfast disappear as fast as that(!) At the end of the day I've got to give you credit - you really are barmy, aren't you? How do you know she wants a hat? She was looking at one in a window.
And does tha know, she were looking at that hat just the way I look at her? OK, I'll tell you what I'll do.
You take this note to Marina at the supermarket, and I'll fix you up with a hat for Nora Batty.
She's not going to go for a flat cap! Not one of MY hats.
No, no, no.
I'll fix you up with a LADY'S hat.
Where's tha going to get a lady's hat? There's a few left up in the best wardrobe.
You can pick.
Norm, that's terrific! Get into the corners! Why do you think I married someone your size? I knew you'd get in corners.
Morning, dear lady.
How are you this fine morning? What's up with him? How come you never do things like that? You'd think I was up to something.
Well, you would.
You would be up to something.
There WAS a time you were romantic! Keep your voice down! You used to love to tango.
We had some lovely tangos.
Why are you wearing a lady's hat? I'm trying to figure out which one I like best.
Inside! Everyone will know you wear ladies' hats! Thee? Why not? It would explain such a lot of things.
Rubbish! Yeah, but I mean, how come it's taken so long to find out? Family records go adrift.
It's THEE that's gone adrift.
Tell us what it says in that letter from Australia.
Well, it's from a distant relative now living in Melbourne.
His name's Dewhirst, and he's trying to trace the family tree.
He's asking if we could be related to the Dewhirsts of Ogleby Hall.
Ogleby Hall? Yeah.
That's a stately home! Exactly.
I could be related to the aristocracy! I used to do a bit of poaching down there.
Well, don't you let ME catch you! If it's not ladies' hats, it's aristocracy.
Yes, I've always been a natural leader.
Well, you know that.
Tha's always been a big jessie! No, you seeyou see, when you, er, when you look at it, I've got this aristocratic profile.
I don't like any of these hats.
I never did when she used to wear them.
But you've to keep your part of the bargain, and deliver that note to Marina.
All those years WASTED.
I could have had it on my personal notepaper - a crest with a dagger in it.
Where will I get a hat for Nora? Now you're mixing with aristocracy it shouldn't be a problem.
See if you can get a loan from Sir Foggy here.
I'm not doing anything charity-wise until it's been confirmed.
Why does he want a hat for Nora Batty? Because there's not only you that's crackers.
Others are too! The thing is, I must strike up an acquaintance with the Dewhirsts at Ogleby Hall.
It's got to seem casual.
It mustn't look pushy.
I'd like being chums with Colonel Dewhirst.
We'd have a lot in common.
I never knew he was an idiot! He's got a nice place.
I've had many a rabbit there.
That's it - poaching! THAT could be the way in.
I'm not going poaching.
I couldn't kill a rabbit.
If I'm going poaching, it'll have to be vegetarian.
No-one's going poaching! Except him.
Sorry, I've retired.
I've hung up my snares.
Any road, my ferrets have gone bone idle.
Who do they pick that up from(?) You won't really be poaching.
You'll just look like you MIGHT be.
You won't actually have to DO anything.
Oh, I can do that.
Why are we going this way? He's delivering a note to Marina.
I didn't get the hat! I OFFERED you one.
I agreed to deliver it for a hat! Give the note to me.
I'll deliver it.
You see how I make decisions? Leadership! That'll be £5.
30, please.
Thank you very much.
"Meet me a seven at the old bridge.
" How interesting to be approached like this by a tall person.
I'll be there.
Be gentle with me.
But I don't think you understand.
Oh, I do.
I know how these powerful influences can overcome a person, especially those of us of a romantic disposition.
No, the note is from Excuse me, I'm in a hurry! I'm trying to explain Do you mind?! It's not funny.
Well, it's nearly funny! Go on! It'll do thee good, a bit of female experience.
If I'm related to the Dewhirsts of Ogleby Hall, my private life has got to be above suspicion.
We'll have to send her ANOTHER note explaining that the last one was from Howard.
Is everything satisfactory? Oh, fine.
No complaints.
(We wouldn't dare.
) I'VE got a complaint! You what?! We'd better hear it then, hadn't we? Come on, let's have it! The management could be more friendly.
Friendly? Are you saying I'm not friendly? Is it just him? Do you all think I'm not friendly? Oh, no, friendly, friendly.
No, friendly.
What makes YOU think I'm not friendly? Well, let's see Ah! You see what I mean? Call that friendly? Hey, is she employing a bouncer now for the cafe? By gum, there's a big lad! You can always tell a pro! Hey, girls, come over here.
Here, come over here.
Here! Here! And take a look at this.
It's you! I thought the trousers were familiar.
Right, now.
Listen.
Pay attention.
Listen.
It's Howard who wants to meet you at seven.
Tell Howard I'm sorry, but I have a previous engagement with a TALLER person.
Marina, pin back your lugholes Come on, get a move on, will you? Watch it! Watch it! Very well, if you insist.
I tried.
Tha's had it, Foggy.
Tha's got a date.
Did you explain the situation? She's not having any.
She's made up her mind she's going to have a date with a tall person.
That's what she said - "a tall person".
That's evil, Foggy.
Nonsense! Look at him - obviously in need of a bit of company.
We could brighten his life.
Oh, she'll brighten his life! Here.
"Meet me at seven on the bridge.
An admiral.
" "An ADMIRER.
" Oh.
Oh-h.
How do, Smiler? What are you lot up to? Delivering a note.
Who to? You'll never believe this.
It's for you.
Lucky you! An admirer? Who's this, then? Ah, she swore us to secrecy.
To surprise thee.
And I bet she does, too! It will all be revealed to you at seven on the bridge.
Do you think I should go? Oh, definitely.
No question.
Could change your life, Smiler.
What should I wear? Nothing inflammable.
My Barry fancies Spain this year.
Spain? Spain, abroad? Yes.
Where they kill bulls? My Barry doesn't want to kill bulls.
I hope not! It's not a hobby for someone who works in a building society! They're a funny lot abroad.
They're a funny lot HERE.
I should maybe take my Howard to Spain.
He's lost all facility at the tango.
Your Howard does the tango? Not as well as he used to.
My Wally NEVER did the tango.
Even when he was out of sight, one thing I could rely on - he wouldn't be doing the tango.
I like the one where they click their heels on tables and things.
My customers do that.
I hope you don't think you're going abroad to click your heels on tables.
No, Mother.
Barry just wants to go and get brown.
He turns a lovely shade.
Do you mind?! People haven't come here to listen to the colour of your husband.
Right, here's the plan.
The plan, the plan! The plan, the plan! Pay attention! We're in the grounds of Ogleby Hall.
When we see the Colonel's car, I step out, holding you by the scruff of the neck.
Oh, nice(!) Ruin me jacket! The Colonel stops to inquire what's going on.
I explain I thought you were a poacher.
He'll be very grateful.
I'll introduce meself, and we'll realise we're probably related.
I'll get arrested for poaching.
And me for aiding and abetting.
No, no.
I'll explain to him that I was mistaken, and that you were merely somebody who was lost.
It'll cost you! Good grief! Can't you do this for a friend? If I'm going to help thee get to know Colonel Dewhirst, it's going to cost the price of a hat for Nora.
You've only to pretend you're lost.
One hat for Nora Batty! He doesn't sound very lost to me.
Sounds as if he knows EXACTLY what he's doing! Well, I'm not paying those prices! You're not to worry, Norm.
HE'S buying.
Nothing too expensive.
What's he talking about - too expensive? This is the world's premier centre for value for money.
I practically give stuff away.
People take advantage of old ladies! Yes, I'm looking for a hat.
Not before time, I see.
A LADY'S hat.
You HEAR these funny stories.
Why does he want a lady's hat? It's a present FOR a lady.
You've no idea how glad I am to hear that! What are you two buying for YOUR ladies? Nothing.
I haven't got one! And they say the age of romance isn't dead! Right then - hats.
B-But nothing too expensive.
He's of a terrible nervous disposition.
What's she like, his lady friend? It's MY lady friend.
Oh, you ARE all good friends, aren't you? Oh-ho-ha, this is great! She'll love it.
I hope she will at that price.
It's only money.
Yeah, mine! I warned you never to cross THAT threshold.
You can't begrudge me this.
THIS is the finest present I've ever had for her.
Sickening! I can't wait to see her face.
Yes, you can.
You've a small favour to do me first.
Now? Yes, now! Ogleby Hall - you're going to be a poacher.
Who's going to hold me hat? I might as well.
I've been left holding this one.
What do I want with a lady's hat? I could have sold HER a lady's hat.
Well, why didn't you tell her? I daren't argue in case she sold me a wardrobe.
Keeps a warm welcome, your relative(!) I don't blame him.
You can't have peasants swarming on your property.
She'll be knocked out with that hat.
Not as knocked out as I was - I had to pay for it! Come on.
It's time you earned your hat.
Look after this.
It's a big day for hats.
I shall long remember Nora Batty Hat Day! Come on! Now, we must be ready when it comes.
When we see his vehicle I'll grab you by the scruff and haul you into the roadway.
Supposing I go to prison? You've been before.
You remember, it was tidier than home.
They only kept me overnight.
I understand why.
You won't finish up in jail.
I shall explain it was a mistake.
I thought you were poaching something, but you were looking for something.
Like what? Er, well, your hat.
Yes, that's it - your hat.
It blew away.
These things don't blow away! Well, all right, not that hat, THAT hat.
I'll look a right charlie.
Oi! SOUND OF A GUNSHOT DOG BARKS BARKING TURNS TO SNARLING Not me hat! Not me hat, you great fur-headed thing! You great burk, you! Will you come and help me to rescue Nora Batty's hat?! Oh, come here Aha! Ah-ha-ha.
Fine mates you turned out to be(!) We got you a drink.
Stop making a fuss.
Fuss! Look at me hat! It's nothing to laugh at.
Here, give her this one.
It's not as good as this one! It is NOW.
So he's not a tall person - on the outside.
But on the inside he's a tall person.
Oh, Marina! Oh, Howard! A LOUD SNEEZE