Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s17e08 Episode Script

What are you doing sitting on my steps? I'm thinking.
Thinking? About what? About things.
About what things? Well, there's thee for a start.
Coming here sitting on my steps thinking about me! Go and sit on your own steps.
It don't work down there.
Why are my steps any different? Because they're your steps.
They're full of Eastern promise.
A brush is the only promise you'll get round here! Look, it's not easy.
With my trousers, I'm not built for sitting on stone steps.
Then why do you do it? Because when I'm sitting here, I can hear voices.
Good morning.
Would you like to be saved? What I'd like first is something to happen worth saving me from! Morning, sir.
Would you like to be saved? Keep your voice down.
It's all a lie.
Who told you anyway? I was just teaching the lady the rudiments of botany.
How do you mean - if you sit on my steps you can hear voices? I don't know, it's very mysterious.
Whenever I sit on YOUR steps, I hear voices.
What kind of voices? Oh, come and listen for thaself.
You mean anyone can hear 'em? I don't see why not.
Here, that stone's still warm.
I can't hear anything! Hang on, tha's hardly been here a minute.
You're pulling my leg again! With them wrinkled stockings, I could unscrew it! Hush, hush, hush! Oh, get off you cheeky devil! You're having me on again! There you are.
I told thee I heard voices.
You know how it is when you're young and stupid.
It's like being old and stupid, but you get stupid much quicker.
Well, all I'm saying is that in those days I never used to be bored.
And then I woke up one morning and there I was - bored! When was this? 1939.
But you can't have been bored since 1939! Oh, yes I can.
You can make it a way of life.
It's the Yorkshire equivalent of oriental pathways to self-knowledge.
the war broke out.
Yes, I noticed that.
I thought, fair enough, they're doing their best for me, but I was still bored.
Huh! When I wasn't scared to death.
DOORBELL If that's Howard, I'm not at home.
It's that religious group.
You go.
You're a trained killer.
You need saving more than me.
I resent that! I never missed a church parade.
If I go, I'll end up with armfuls of pamphlets.
Are they free? No, they're not free.
Oh.
Well, they'll not be selling me any pamphlets.
Hei-ho-ho-ha! I've got some pamphlets on bayonet fighting if you're interested.
Bayonet fighting?! All tha's ever done with a bayonet is polish it! It was to get the blood off it.
Tha faints when tha sees blood! Only my own.
I don't faint at the enemy's.
Oh! You're not supposed to spill your own.
That's the whole idea! How can these young missionaries go round telling people how to live their lives? I mean, they don't have ANY idea how to defend themselves against a ruthless enemy.
Oh, just like thee.
I shall ignore that.
Well, they've got a damn good idea how to sell pamphlets.
That's how they deal with ruthless enemies - they sell 'em pamphlets.
They'd have been no good in the jungle! Oh, just like thee! I shall ignore that, too.
Hey up! Now what? Did tha see that? What? A giant, fat lady came floating up into the air and then simply floated down again! He's gone.
He's completely gone.
Yeah.
Well, she would, wouldn't she? It's what you'd expect fat ladies to do.
Pop up everywhere(!) He don't believe me.
I believe.
She's worked one miracle already - Foggy bought a round without arguing.
The man needed a drink.
He's under stress.
I know when I see things and when I don't.
My one flaw is I'm mad about Nora Batty.
A big enough flaw for anyone.
What did she look like, this "vision"? She were ugly, Norm.
Horrible.
Frightening.
Probably an ex-girlfriend of yours.
She were bigger than that - a giant.
Yeah, but so was that fearsome bird you used to knock about with.
Who were that? Well, the one who was a bouncer.
She weren't a bouncer! She were an assistant manager.
Well, she used to throw people out.
That were only part of her job.
She used to take the money to the bank and she weren't robbed once! A responsible position like that and here she is - popping up all over the place.
It wasn't her.
It were bigger than her! There she is! I think he's finally cracked.
Nobody can live in trousers like that without the tension getting to them.
She were there.
She passed the window.
We understand.
Don't upset yourself.
I'm telling you, she were there.
I saw her! You've been working too hard.
Oh, I wouldn't go as far as that! She is definitely here! It's been a long time, but I'm pretty certain that is not a fat lady.
What's the bar food like here, lads? Rubbish.
Nourishing, but nothing fancy.
Rubbish is closer.
They don't use microwaves, do they? They're all using microwaves.
There's all this global warming, and still they're using microwaves.
It's in the air.
You can't get shut of it.
What are you doing about it? Don't look at me.
I don't use a microwave.
I still haven't passed toaster.
Good man.
I wish there were more like you.
Thank you! Has tha seen a fat lady? Fat lady? Don't torture me with fat ladies! I bet you wished you hadn't asked that.
Oh, I do, Norm.
You were perfectly safe, you know.
Oh, yes.
Ah, yes.
I was watching every move.
Aye, just watching.
Tha didn't do anything.
I could have sworn I saw a big, fat lady floating up in the sky.
You've nothing to worry about.
It's probably a small deficiency in your diet.
Hallucinations are quite common at your age.
And you soon make friends.
There he was - a total stranger and within seconds he's grasping you by the throat! HORN TOOTS They do.
They use microwaves! Yeah, but Phrrrrht! Mother, you're in the wrong car! Well, there's no need to shout.
It could happen to anybody.
Mother, don't you think you ought to change those glasses? That'll do.
These glasses are all right.
There's a lot of wear left in these glasses.
Until you've been in the jungle, you don't know what wildlife is! You think so? Have you ever been in that pub down Spansyke Street? I mean places where the insects are bigger than our animals here.
Well, that's it.
That pub down Spansyke Street! Give over! I've seen thee hopping about at the sight of a spider.
Yeah, small spiders, yes.
You see, I'mI'm used to big spiders, the size of a dinner plate.
There's one thing you can rely on - I have strong nerves when it comes to dangerous animals.
Phrrrrht! What was that?! Mother! Be quiet.
Mother! Be quiet.
Butbut, Mother! Stop criticising the way I drive - I don't criticise you for being a passenger.
Every time I drive, you complain about it.
You need new glasses! That'll do! Phrrrrht! It's him from the pub! It's Mr Microwave! There's absolutely nothing to be nervous about.
I told thee - a giant, fat lady! Damn thing! Leaky damn thing! Don't know why she does this to me.
I've always liked fat ladies! How do, lads? She's leaking.
Hope she didn't startle you.
Erhow long have you been playing with balloons? Playing with balloons? Who is this person? Watch tha throat, Norm.
Yes.
Let me rephrase that.
How long have you had an interest in big, rubber, fat ladies? I think I'd better rephrase that as well.
He means balloons.
This isn't just a balloon! This is serious! It'll be serious when tha wife finds out tha's going out with big, fat ladies! She used to be a big, fat lady.
I loved her being a big, fat lady.
Well, maybe notloved her, but I was used to her being a big, fat lady.
She was a serious presence in bed.
Now she's like a rail.
Like being married to a pickle fork! When are we going to stop for a rest, Howard? Soon, love.
We've come a long way.
Because it's safer way out here.
Nobody knows us way out here.
I know I've brought you a long way, love.
You're so forceful, Howard.
Well a man has to do what a man has to do.
Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina! I just want you to put yourself in my hands.
It's not easy when you're holding a bicycle.
I just want you to leave the planning to me.
I'll always find us places where we can be together unnoticed.
A CAR APPROACHES There's still a leak.
Where was it leaking before? I've fixed that one! Oh.
What are you two doing? Now, come on! Help the man.
Don't just sit there.
Find the leak.
Suppose it blows up? It won't blow up! Nora Batty often blows up.
You never think, when you get up in the morning, that by the end of the day, you're going to be this close to a big, rubber, fat lady.
DOLL: Phssssht! It'sit's here.
I've found it! Keep your finger on it.
Ah, that's it.
There we are then.
Ah, she's ready! Ready for what? A gesture.
I'm going to make a gesture.
Well, he does that without a balloon! A serious political gesture.
And you need a balloon? You have to catch people's attention.
By the throat? No! That's how tha caught mine! I was under stress.
It's the burden, you know.
The responsibility.
I know you're asking, "Why me?", but somebody's got to do it.
Calm down.
Do what? Save the world.
Oh, that! I thought we'd done that.
We? Huh! I don't remember seeing you where the fighting was thickest.
There you go again.
That pub in Spansyke Street! Somebody's got to start! Saving the world from what? Thin people! Slimming! Health foods! Help, help! Get him off! Get him off! Help, get him off! I don't know what all the fuss was about.
You never will until you get some new glasses.
These are fine.
Your eyes have changed.
This is the pair I've always had! Did you see who it was at that level crossing? I never even saw the level crossing! Nor me.
I had me eyes firmly shut! Just like the driver! It's all right for you lot, sitting enjoying it.
You forget how much a driver has to think about.
I keep telling Wesley there's too many knobs and switches.
And he keeps adding more! He doesn't add more! You keep forgetting you used things before.
Oh, I'm not just losing me eyesight.
I'm losing me memory, am I? I'm not losing MY memory.
I saw who it was at that level crossing! If we go much further like this, I'M going to make a gesture.
There isn't enough room for gestures! Pull into the next pub.
What for? Well, you need to write your message.
We'll help you.
HORN BLARES I've got to get the message through to people.
Well, it'll have to be a short one.
You can't hang much under a balloon.
You try to save the world and there's always a flaming snag! Explain it to me.
What exactly is it you want to say in this message? I want to warn people against the perils of being thin.
Such as? Elbows.
Have you ever been struck by a thin person's elbows? Ooh, I could show you the bruises! The wife's lethal in bed.
It's like sleeping with a can opener! I must say, I prefer cuddly.
Nora Batty is cuddly? But of course! I thought everybody knew that! I think he's right about elbows.
If everybody was thin, there would be terrific injuries in post office queues.
And slimming does awful things to people.
Changes their whole personality.
The wife used to like a giggle.
Now she daren't laugh in case it's fattening.
You'll need a rehearsal before you go into town.
What happens if the world springs a leak? You think the world might spring a leak? Well, it floats in space.
So it must be like a balloon.
Well, if it springs a leak, you'll hear these terrible, rude noises, you'll go out of your orbit and skid all over the universe getting flatter all the time.
I wish I'd never asked! Does tha think if there's a God, he'll carry a pump? Nobody? This is it.
This is the place.
This is what we've been looking for - tranquillity, peace.
Privacy.
"And what do we want all that for, Howard?", says she with her heart racing.
Look, I've only been waiting until we found the right place.
Waiting for what, Howard? There's something I've always wanted us to try together.
Oh, Howard! What is it? What is it? Show me, Howard.
I've always wanted us to try the tango.
TANGO MUSIC Don't scratch it.
It could be worth twice what I've just paid for it.
Twice? You're slipping.
It's usually three times.
Less of your flattery! Oh, oh, it's too heavy.
Oh, don't think heavy, think valuable.
Just think - every time you scratch it, that's a pound off your wages.
What wages? I'm speaking figuratively.
Now, have you got it safely? It's all right.
It's perfectly safe.
I'mI'm too tall for heavy.
Tall's not for lifting.
Tall's for elegant and suave.
You get attached to things.
Just remember that when you get to my age you get very sentimental about damaging your profit margins.
- I'd hate you to drop it.
- Nobody's going to drop it.
Why should we drop it? Righton my signal.
How come it's his signal? It's my balloon, how come it's his signal?! Well, we find it easier not to ask.
Tha'll get used to it.
Now, will you pay attention here?! When I drop my arm, I want you to raise the balloon, gentlyGENTLY.
How long's he been like this? He used to be a Nazi.
Until he was thrown out for excessive force.
Right, prepare to raise balloon.
On my signal Onetwothree Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina! You do a lovely tango, Howard.
It's because I'm relaxed.
We're all alone.
There's nobody watching Phrrrrht! Phrrrrht! Well, a right boghole you made of that! You let it go.
It just went! I've never been good with fat ladies! Phrrrrht! You were right.
I did need new glasses.
These are much better.
You're certainly driving better.
ALL: Aagh! CRASH! Can we have our balloon back?