Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s18e04 Episode Script
The First Human Being To Ride A Hill
Ooh!
Many's been lost through money!
I couldn't believe YOU had
the money! Get away! Keep away!
Not likely! I've 7p invested
in this.
Have your money back.
Money back AND a big luscious kiss! What kind of a bargain is that? One in the bargain basement! Here! Ooh! Oooh! Ooooh! God! I wish you wouldn't appear like that, Howard.
It's not as if I was rubbing a lamp.
I was just looking for a friendly face to talk to.
I don't know how you can do it without making a sound.
You could creep silently for England! You learn to move silently when you're married to Pearl.
I can understand that.
She jumps to the wrong conclusions.
I can understand that, too.
What do you think of a woman that locks a person's bicycle away? I think that's diabolical, Howard.
You were very close to that bicycle.
Why has she locked your bicycle away? Because she thinks I use it to entertain other women.
It doesn't sound all that entertaining, Howard.
Where has she locked your bicycle away? In the spare bedroom.
I miss that bicycle.
I feel cut off from all human contact.
I know who you feel cut off from, Howard.
I don't know what you mean.
If you can't lie any better, no wonder you've got a bicycle famine.
How long is Pearl planning to confiscate your bicycle? I think she means permanently! You've got to help me! Long ago, Howard, when boy scouts wore shorts, I had a penknife with a thing for getting stones from horses' hooves.
I don't know why, I'd never get that close to a horse, in exactly the same way I've no intention of going near your bicycle.
It's inhuman to deprive a man of his bicycle! I'm not getting involved, Howard! This is ME speaking - Norman Clegg, "man of steel".
You can't afford to go wasting your money! I don't waste it.
I save it up for betting! You'll thank me! I'm good with money! Since when? You'd be surprised what I got today for 7p.
What can you get for 7p? I got a big hug from Nora Batty and a clip round the lughole! Now, I think that is pretty good going for 7p! HE SIGHS Confiscated your bicycle?! How wicked can they get? You'll get used to it.
Some people live their whole lives without a bicycle.
What people? Wellstockbrokers BMW drivers chairmen of de-nationalised industries You'll have to help me get it back! It's something you'll have to handle by yourself.
Alone? There comes a time when a man has to stand up and be counted.
Couldn't we all four stand up and be counted? I'm NOT getting involved in any eternal triangle between a man, his wife and his bicycle.
Tha's got to sort this out, Howard.
You can't let this one slide, Howard.
Sort it out and do it NOW! Now? This very instant! It's decision time, Howard.
March out of here, go back home and get your bicycle! Tha's got to do it, Howard.
Alone, Howard.
Could you just come with me to the door? It's just a question of making your mind up, Howard! Be dynamic! Go! Get your bicycle! I will! I will! I'll do it! I'll do it! This time, I'll do it! Aha! It's showdown time! Womaninside! I never thought he had it in him! He was magnificent! I knew he could do it if he tried.
That's what men need - the influence of one who can stir them up to the point of battle! She got a shock! Did tha see Pearl's face? I bet she DID get a shock! It's like being savaged by your budgie! It'll mean a whole new life for him.
And for her, too.
Mind you, she's asked for it.
It's time he took command of his own house.
RING, RING CHOKING: Can you get this thing from round me neck? I've heard of snake charming, but that's ridiculous! What is it, Howard? It's an inner tube.
She nearly strangled me with the inner tube! "You want your bicycle," she said, "here, take this!" I think it looks quite good! It suits him - wearing his "old school bicycle"! Get me out! Don't worry.
If she wants a challenge, we'll release you and your bicycle.
Eh-up, go careful! We could all end up wearing bicycle! You know what we need, don't you? A pint? No, not a pint! Two pints? Have you always been good at economics? Yes, Norman! Let me rephrase the statement - you know what HOWARD needs? I've known that for a long time! I know what I need - NOT to get involved in recapturing Howard's bicycle.
Exactly! There's no need! The plan is Oooh! We have a plan! It's simple military practice - when an objective becomes too difficult to attack head-on, you have to find some different approach.
Retreat! No, not retreat! I knew he'd say that! HE WHISTLES Quietly now! Which is the window? That one! Drat! Keep it quiet, will you? This is a maximum security operation! I think I left my kettle on! Stay where you are! Right, up you go! What? Me? It's your bike! I thought one of YOU would go up! No, if we go and get it, it's "breaking and entering".
It's your house, you can get in any way you like.
Go on, get the bicycle and pass it to us through the window! He's not exactly a lovely mover, is he? No, very civilian.
SMASH AND TUMBLE FOGGY SIGHS I don't like it.
You've got to help a chap retrieve his bike.
The right to a bicycle is one of the props of western civilisation.
I shall help Howard to the utmost of my ability.
She's chained it to the bed! Er Hello, love! I was just thinking, what a clever idea! WOMAN: See you, bye! THEY CHA Are you wanting to cross the road, love? That's very kind of you! Thank you.
You're welcome! You all right? Yes.
You know it's very difficult for old folks in these hectic times.
It is, yeah.
Can you help me inside the shop? Of course! Mind the step! Now, let's see if I have a little something for you, as a token of my appreciation.
There's no need to bother with things like that! It's no bother, no bother at all! Come inside and have a browse around.
What Howard really needs is a secret bicycle.
A secret bicycle? Yeah.
Wowee! An extra bicycle nobody else knows about.
Something small that he can conceal.
A pocket bicycle! Just add water! But why are we walking towards Auntie Wainwright's? She sells second-hand bicycles.
Uh-oh.
We shan't buy anything unless it's cheap.
She's not very big on cheap.
Howard's paying, anyway.
She'll probably give a discount - he IS family.
Wellshe'll rip him off more gently.
I'll wait outide - but my thoughts will be with you! I know my duty.
I shall not flinch from spending Howard's money.
BOLT OPENING AND KEYS JANGLING You've a shrewd eye for a bargain! I've no more discounts.
You're not wanting anything reduced? We only helped her across the road.
They were very kind! You have to show your gratitude in some way.
They weren't intending to be customers? They just thought they were helping you across the road? And they say the age of chivalry is dead! Ooh! Hey! Oi! No! Com Oooh! Hmmmmph! QUIET CHATTER They're up to something.
Men with their heads together rarely amounts to much brain.
If they're quiet it suits me.
I take a broader view on account of other customers.
You saw him - he walked straight past me.
It's worrying if he goes straight past me.
Why? That should be a relief! Not really.
When he attacks, you know where you are.
It's when he ignores you, you wonder where it'll come from next.
I don't care how secret a bicycle, I am NOT going to Auntie Wainwright's.
I think we're all agreed on that.
Ere, Nora Batty's watching! Have I got time to create a bit of mischief? No.
I 'll be back in a flash! Stay where you are! I don't know.
There never seems enough time to do all the things a bloke ought to do.
It sounds like executive stress.
Tha could be right an' all.
SLURPING Oh, God! PROLONGED SLURPING Will you pay attention? We're supposed to be planning here! Look at the problem - we've got one idiot, without a bicycle, for the use of.
Now, we need someone to help him Another idiot but a more mechanical one.
Wesley! Wesley! I rest my case.
Hang on a minute, I forgot summat.
He didn't have anything - what's he forgotten? Oooow! I think that was it.
Oh, that! Well, tha knows how it is, a man gets the itch - a man has to scratch.
Feel better now? I'm just glad it's over! You know what it's like - it's never so bad once it happens.
It's the waiting! BANG! How do, lads! He just appears in a puff of smoke! How do you do that, Wesley? It's Aladdin! Should you be breathing all that smoke, Wesley? What smoke? That's not smoke! That's just an engine breathing.
They're only human.
You can't say that about the one for whom we're seeking a favour.
Yesterday was favours - today is work on me engine.
Now, Wesley Wesley How would you like to join me in developing a small, secret bicycle? Is he serious? Serious? Incurable! Let's say if he's left his brain to science, they'll want a refund.
Pay no attention to the lower ranks.
They're dazzled by my ingenuity.
You can do it, Wesley! I haven't got an old bicycle to work on! But HE has - little tatty-britches! Right, I'm coming.
No, to ME! Hang on! The pedal's stuck and I don't want any enquiries as to where.
My end's a bit rusty and this bicycle's not much better.
This end's rusty, too.
It's a bit damp here in this wash house.
Well, it's not through overuse! HE PANTS AND SPLUTTERS My word! This'll be a challenge for Wesley! I'm not so sure I want Wesley let loose on this bike.
At least you're a matching set - you and your bicycle - it's clear you belong together.
We've been through some rough times together.
You're both dressed for it! SQUEAK, SQUEAK Can't you shut it up, man? Talk to it or something! Shut up! Can't we put it down a minute? No, we can't put it down.
Not while it's making this dreadful noise.
Well, I'm gonna put it down a minute.
My arm aches.
Just your arm?! Lucky you! I mean I'm not carrying it any more.
Does it matter if it makes a bit of noise? Suit yourself.
Try to pretend you're not with us.
Come on, Clegg.
I hate walking with squeaky people.
Come on! SQUEAKING RESUMES So you finally snapped and seized his bicycle? There comes a time when woman can do no less.
How long you planning on keeping it? Till he earns time off for good behaviour.
Sometimes you have to be firm! You'd have no trouble being that! I've been fairly good at being firm.
You've been damned good at being firm! If I confiscated Barry's bicycle, it'd be months before he'd notice! You've got to get him where it hurts! I once took father's socket set.
Why? You'll learn one day, my girl.
When wedded bliss wears off, you can get a lot of leverage with a socket set.
When mine got restless, I'd hide his motorcycle coat.
Did it work? No, it didn't always work.
Sometimes he'd go out, anyway, but at least he'd come home blue and too frozen to argue! I can't imagine your Wally blue.
No it wasn't a pretty sight.
Mine goes pink.
Every time he lies you get this bright pink.
It's not bad in the bedroom, but downstairs it clashes terrible with the wallpaper! My Barry's mainly pink.
Your father's an oily colour.
So what? No more details about your Barry, thank you.
Drink your coffee.
Oh, mother! Do you think Wesley CAN turn an old bike into a secret bicycle? Oh, yes, yes.
The hard part will be getting rid of the squeak.
It were just a squeak.
It wasn't just a squeak - it was the ultimate deterrent of a squeak.
You could rule the world with a squeak like that! Not that anybody would want to! Can you imagine anybody wanting to rule something like the world?! I bet the pay's good.
Is it fair - us being out here while Wesley's doing all the work? Oh, yes! Perfectly fair! I mean, I do all the planning.
I just give him a few simple jobs to do.
It makes him feel wanted.
He loves it, really.
We're doing him a kindness.
Absolutely! It feels good to realise that you're spreading a little happiness.
That's what leadership is all about.
Aha! How do, lads! What about our little project, Wesley? Have you done anything? Have I done anything? A stroke of genius, that's all! You wanted a secret bicycle - you've got a secret bicycle! Well done, that man! Can we have a look at it? Can't see it, can ya? How's that for a secret bicycle?! All right, I'll put you out of your misery, otherwise you'll never find it! It's here! Disguised as your small landscaped hillock! Look! Ah Everyone should have one! What kind of a pillock rides a small hillock?! We really wanted something more lightweight and portable, you know.
Something he could assemble in seconds.
Nobody mentioned "lightweight and portable"! "Secret bicycle" - that's what you said! It'll never work, any road! PANTING WOMAN: You'll have to do something, Howard.
HOWARD: I've got men working on it right now, making a secret bicycle.
I'm glad about that, Howard.
This is as close as we've been for ages, Howard! But I'd like to have the breath to enjoy it! Now remember, nothing fancy until you get the hang of it.
I bet you never thought you'd grow up to be the first human being to ride a hill! She'll be all right, will that! She's a little gem, is that.
.
.
add a pinch of paprika and pop it under the grill.
How long? 15 minutes, or until it's crisp and brown.
Divorce has really opened up your life, ain't it? It has, actually.
I'm altogether a much more rounded person.
My only regret is I wish I could do it without actually losing the wife.
I'm having a washing-up party on Thursday, how are you fixed? Busy.
You said that last time.
Aghaagha-a-aagh! It were like a rabbit hole! You went to pieces, man.
You lost control of your hill! It made you feel quite HILL.
It did, it did!
Have your money back.
Money back AND a big luscious kiss! What kind of a bargain is that? One in the bargain basement! Here! Ooh! Oooh! Ooooh! God! I wish you wouldn't appear like that, Howard.
It's not as if I was rubbing a lamp.
I was just looking for a friendly face to talk to.
I don't know how you can do it without making a sound.
You could creep silently for England! You learn to move silently when you're married to Pearl.
I can understand that.
She jumps to the wrong conclusions.
I can understand that, too.
What do you think of a woman that locks a person's bicycle away? I think that's diabolical, Howard.
You were very close to that bicycle.
Why has she locked your bicycle away? Because she thinks I use it to entertain other women.
It doesn't sound all that entertaining, Howard.
Where has she locked your bicycle away? In the spare bedroom.
I miss that bicycle.
I feel cut off from all human contact.
I know who you feel cut off from, Howard.
I don't know what you mean.
If you can't lie any better, no wonder you've got a bicycle famine.
How long is Pearl planning to confiscate your bicycle? I think she means permanently! You've got to help me! Long ago, Howard, when boy scouts wore shorts, I had a penknife with a thing for getting stones from horses' hooves.
I don't know why, I'd never get that close to a horse, in exactly the same way I've no intention of going near your bicycle.
It's inhuman to deprive a man of his bicycle! I'm not getting involved, Howard! This is ME speaking - Norman Clegg, "man of steel".
You can't afford to go wasting your money! I don't waste it.
I save it up for betting! You'll thank me! I'm good with money! Since when? You'd be surprised what I got today for 7p.
What can you get for 7p? I got a big hug from Nora Batty and a clip round the lughole! Now, I think that is pretty good going for 7p! HE SIGHS Confiscated your bicycle?! How wicked can they get? You'll get used to it.
Some people live their whole lives without a bicycle.
What people? Wellstockbrokers BMW drivers chairmen of de-nationalised industries You'll have to help me get it back! It's something you'll have to handle by yourself.
Alone? There comes a time when a man has to stand up and be counted.
Couldn't we all four stand up and be counted? I'm NOT getting involved in any eternal triangle between a man, his wife and his bicycle.
Tha's got to sort this out, Howard.
You can't let this one slide, Howard.
Sort it out and do it NOW! Now? This very instant! It's decision time, Howard.
March out of here, go back home and get your bicycle! Tha's got to do it, Howard.
Alone, Howard.
Could you just come with me to the door? It's just a question of making your mind up, Howard! Be dynamic! Go! Get your bicycle! I will! I will! I'll do it! I'll do it! This time, I'll do it! Aha! It's showdown time! Womaninside! I never thought he had it in him! He was magnificent! I knew he could do it if he tried.
That's what men need - the influence of one who can stir them up to the point of battle! She got a shock! Did tha see Pearl's face? I bet she DID get a shock! It's like being savaged by your budgie! It'll mean a whole new life for him.
And for her, too.
Mind you, she's asked for it.
It's time he took command of his own house.
RING, RING CHOKING: Can you get this thing from round me neck? I've heard of snake charming, but that's ridiculous! What is it, Howard? It's an inner tube.
She nearly strangled me with the inner tube! "You want your bicycle," she said, "here, take this!" I think it looks quite good! It suits him - wearing his "old school bicycle"! Get me out! Don't worry.
If she wants a challenge, we'll release you and your bicycle.
Eh-up, go careful! We could all end up wearing bicycle! You know what we need, don't you? A pint? No, not a pint! Two pints? Have you always been good at economics? Yes, Norman! Let me rephrase the statement - you know what HOWARD needs? I've known that for a long time! I know what I need - NOT to get involved in recapturing Howard's bicycle.
Exactly! There's no need! The plan is Oooh! We have a plan! It's simple military practice - when an objective becomes too difficult to attack head-on, you have to find some different approach.
Retreat! No, not retreat! I knew he'd say that! HE WHISTLES Quietly now! Which is the window? That one! Drat! Keep it quiet, will you? This is a maximum security operation! I think I left my kettle on! Stay where you are! Right, up you go! What? Me? It's your bike! I thought one of YOU would go up! No, if we go and get it, it's "breaking and entering".
It's your house, you can get in any way you like.
Go on, get the bicycle and pass it to us through the window! He's not exactly a lovely mover, is he? No, very civilian.
SMASH AND TUMBLE FOGGY SIGHS I don't like it.
You've got to help a chap retrieve his bike.
The right to a bicycle is one of the props of western civilisation.
I shall help Howard to the utmost of my ability.
She's chained it to the bed! Er Hello, love! I was just thinking, what a clever idea! WOMAN: See you, bye! THEY CHA Are you wanting to cross the road, love? That's very kind of you! Thank you.
You're welcome! You all right? Yes.
You know it's very difficult for old folks in these hectic times.
It is, yeah.
Can you help me inside the shop? Of course! Mind the step! Now, let's see if I have a little something for you, as a token of my appreciation.
There's no need to bother with things like that! It's no bother, no bother at all! Come inside and have a browse around.
What Howard really needs is a secret bicycle.
A secret bicycle? Yeah.
Wowee! An extra bicycle nobody else knows about.
Something small that he can conceal.
A pocket bicycle! Just add water! But why are we walking towards Auntie Wainwright's? She sells second-hand bicycles.
Uh-oh.
We shan't buy anything unless it's cheap.
She's not very big on cheap.
Howard's paying, anyway.
She'll probably give a discount - he IS family.
Wellshe'll rip him off more gently.
I'll wait outide - but my thoughts will be with you! I know my duty.
I shall not flinch from spending Howard's money.
BOLT OPENING AND KEYS JANGLING You've a shrewd eye for a bargain! I've no more discounts.
You're not wanting anything reduced? We only helped her across the road.
They were very kind! You have to show your gratitude in some way.
They weren't intending to be customers? They just thought they were helping you across the road? And they say the age of chivalry is dead! Ooh! Hey! Oi! No! Com Oooh! Hmmmmph! QUIET CHATTER They're up to something.
Men with their heads together rarely amounts to much brain.
If they're quiet it suits me.
I take a broader view on account of other customers.
You saw him - he walked straight past me.
It's worrying if he goes straight past me.
Why? That should be a relief! Not really.
When he attacks, you know where you are.
It's when he ignores you, you wonder where it'll come from next.
I don't care how secret a bicycle, I am NOT going to Auntie Wainwright's.
I think we're all agreed on that.
Ere, Nora Batty's watching! Have I got time to create a bit of mischief? No.
I 'll be back in a flash! Stay where you are! I don't know.
There never seems enough time to do all the things a bloke ought to do.
It sounds like executive stress.
Tha could be right an' all.
SLURPING Oh, God! PROLONGED SLURPING Will you pay attention? We're supposed to be planning here! Look at the problem - we've got one idiot, without a bicycle, for the use of.
Now, we need someone to help him Another idiot but a more mechanical one.
Wesley! Wesley! I rest my case.
Hang on a minute, I forgot summat.
He didn't have anything - what's he forgotten? Oooow! I think that was it.
Oh, that! Well, tha knows how it is, a man gets the itch - a man has to scratch.
Feel better now? I'm just glad it's over! You know what it's like - it's never so bad once it happens.
It's the waiting! BANG! How do, lads! He just appears in a puff of smoke! How do you do that, Wesley? It's Aladdin! Should you be breathing all that smoke, Wesley? What smoke? That's not smoke! That's just an engine breathing.
They're only human.
You can't say that about the one for whom we're seeking a favour.
Yesterday was favours - today is work on me engine.
Now, Wesley Wesley How would you like to join me in developing a small, secret bicycle? Is he serious? Serious? Incurable! Let's say if he's left his brain to science, they'll want a refund.
Pay no attention to the lower ranks.
They're dazzled by my ingenuity.
You can do it, Wesley! I haven't got an old bicycle to work on! But HE has - little tatty-britches! Right, I'm coming.
No, to ME! Hang on! The pedal's stuck and I don't want any enquiries as to where.
My end's a bit rusty and this bicycle's not much better.
This end's rusty, too.
It's a bit damp here in this wash house.
Well, it's not through overuse! HE PANTS AND SPLUTTERS My word! This'll be a challenge for Wesley! I'm not so sure I want Wesley let loose on this bike.
At least you're a matching set - you and your bicycle - it's clear you belong together.
We've been through some rough times together.
You're both dressed for it! SQUEAK, SQUEAK Can't you shut it up, man? Talk to it or something! Shut up! Can't we put it down a minute? No, we can't put it down.
Not while it's making this dreadful noise.
Well, I'm gonna put it down a minute.
My arm aches.
Just your arm?! Lucky you! I mean I'm not carrying it any more.
Does it matter if it makes a bit of noise? Suit yourself.
Try to pretend you're not with us.
Come on, Clegg.
I hate walking with squeaky people.
Come on! SQUEAKING RESUMES So you finally snapped and seized his bicycle? There comes a time when woman can do no less.
How long you planning on keeping it? Till he earns time off for good behaviour.
Sometimes you have to be firm! You'd have no trouble being that! I've been fairly good at being firm.
You've been damned good at being firm! If I confiscated Barry's bicycle, it'd be months before he'd notice! You've got to get him where it hurts! I once took father's socket set.
Why? You'll learn one day, my girl.
When wedded bliss wears off, you can get a lot of leverage with a socket set.
When mine got restless, I'd hide his motorcycle coat.
Did it work? No, it didn't always work.
Sometimes he'd go out, anyway, but at least he'd come home blue and too frozen to argue! I can't imagine your Wally blue.
No it wasn't a pretty sight.
Mine goes pink.
Every time he lies you get this bright pink.
It's not bad in the bedroom, but downstairs it clashes terrible with the wallpaper! My Barry's mainly pink.
Your father's an oily colour.
So what? No more details about your Barry, thank you.
Drink your coffee.
Oh, mother! Do you think Wesley CAN turn an old bike into a secret bicycle? Oh, yes, yes.
The hard part will be getting rid of the squeak.
It were just a squeak.
It wasn't just a squeak - it was the ultimate deterrent of a squeak.
You could rule the world with a squeak like that! Not that anybody would want to! Can you imagine anybody wanting to rule something like the world?! I bet the pay's good.
Is it fair - us being out here while Wesley's doing all the work? Oh, yes! Perfectly fair! I mean, I do all the planning.
I just give him a few simple jobs to do.
It makes him feel wanted.
He loves it, really.
We're doing him a kindness.
Absolutely! It feels good to realise that you're spreading a little happiness.
That's what leadership is all about.
Aha! How do, lads! What about our little project, Wesley? Have you done anything? Have I done anything? A stroke of genius, that's all! You wanted a secret bicycle - you've got a secret bicycle! Well done, that man! Can we have a look at it? Can't see it, can ya? How's that for a secret bicycle?! All right, I'll put you out of your misery, otherwise you'll never find it! It's here! Disguised as your small landscaped hillock! Look! Ah Everyone should have one! What kind of a pillock rides a small hillock?! We really wanted something more lightweight and portable, you know.
Something he could assemble in seconds.
Nobody mentioned "lightweight and portable"! "Secret bicycle" - that's what you said! It'll never work, any road! PANTING WOMAN: You'll have to do something, Howard.
HOWARD: I've got men working on it right now, making a secret bicycle.
I'm glad about that, Howard.
This is as close as we've been for ages, Howard! But I'd like to have the breath to enjoy it! Now remember, nothing fancy until you get the hang of it.
I bet you never thought you'd grow up to be the first human being to ride a hill! She'll be all right, will that! She's a little gem, is that.
.
.
add a pinch of paprika and pop it under the grill.
How long? 15 minutes, or until it's crisp and brown.
Divorce has really opened up your life, ain't it? It has, actually.
I'm altogether a much more rounded person.
My only regret is I wish I could do it without actually losing the wife.
I'm having a washing-up party on Thursday, how are you fixed? Busy.
You said that last time.
Aghaagha-a-aagh! It were like a rabbit hole! You went to pieces, man.
You lost control of your hill! It made you feel quite HILL.
It did, it did!