Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s19e05 Episode Script

Down there?! Tha must be joking! Think this is dangerous? You should have been married to the former Mrs Truelove.
I'll fall if I go down there.
What makes you think you're going to fall? Aa-agh! I think that's what made him think he was going to fall.
I suppose he can't be wrong all the time.
What do you want? I'm busy! - Oh? And what are you busy with? - I don't know what you mean.
Let's try and refresh your memory.
Remember that personal gift you bought me last Christmas? It's been a while since Christmas.
Well, I remember what you bought me.
I remember it very well.
I remember the surprise on Christmas morning.
I must have got you something right, to be such a surprise.
It was a surprise, all right - a set of screwdrivers! I didn't expect expensive jewellery, but screwdrivers! They're always handy, screwdrivers.
They're too handy - where have they gone? I bet you've borrowed them again.
Well, you can get me something as a replacement.
Like what? Oh, use your imagination.
How am I supposed to know what ladies want? Let me give you a clue - not screwdrivers! I used to come up here at school dinner times.
Not till you'd pinched half my sandwiches, you didn't.
My strongest memory of school is you with crumbs on your jersey.
Only where there wasn't a hole.
Other people's crumbs.
Aye, but they were so dainty.
Nobody made daintier sandwiches than your mother.
She was a lady.
And she brought thee up the same.
I used to go home for dinner.
Mother needed constant reassuring I hadn't been killed or kidnapped.
Tha were never in any danger of that.
I told her that! She thought I was just being brave.
My mother used to send me out in spotlessly clean little shirts and him and Keggy Hemingway used to drop worms down your collar.
Tha were always covered in Vick vapour rub.
We thought it might stop worms from getting a cold.
How kind! Did it work, do you think? We never heard 'em coughing.
Made me cough! I think that's why my mother moved us all down south.
I think I'd sooner have had worms.
I've never since felt comfortable with worms.
I used to keep my eyes closed near dead bodies.
What did tha bosses say about that? They used to think I was deep in thought.
I got a reputation as an intellectual! Keggy Hemingway - he liked a good worm.
Didn't he eat one once, for a bet? Aye! Even I couldn't do that.
Of course not - you were full of my sandwiches.
Worms couldn't have tasted all that good - they never caught on.
I wish he'd eaten more - there would have been fewer down my shirt.
'Ey up! It's still here - my initials.
WS loves DD! DD? Derek Dobson? You were in love with Derek Dobson? You kept it very quiet.
Not Derek, you daft buttock! It were Doreen Dobson, his sister.
You were in love with Doreen Dobson? Everybody was.
She looked like Shirley Temple.
I wasn't in love! Tha were too busy looking down tha shirt.
I thought it was Derek who looked like Shirley Temple.
That were him.
I never looked like Shirley Temple! Tha did at football! Except once, while under cover for the vice squad.
Well, I'll be off, then.
Haven't you forgotten something? .
.
No.
Think hard.
I've got me briefcase.
What about the love that keeps you warm? Aw I've got me car keys.
I hope you won't forget to kiss me goodbye, Barry.
No, not indoors! It's not something you should hide.
You shouldn't be ashamed to kiss your wife goodbye.
Others do it.
I've never seen 'em.
The young couple from number 83 do.
Well, they're not married.
Why don't you pretend we're not married, Barry? Um Oh, your father's coming.
Phew! I must go before he starts interfering with me vehicle.
He's only helping.
.
.
And I have to go to the garage.
ENGINE STARTS Does she sound a bit off-tune to you, Barry? Sounds all right to me, Mr Pegden.
He could do with a tune.
I'm beginning to think so.
What are you doing here? It's your mother.
I've got to buy her a present to replace a screwdriver set.
What do you buy people who don't want tools? Buy something suitable for a lady.
They don't make ladies' tools! Are you sure this is wise? This one doesn't look like Shirley Temple.
Thought of exchanging her for a Rottweiler? Why do you bother with her? If I start summat, I like to keep at it.
We noticed that when you discovered unemployment.
She's got to tell me I'm number one in her life or else I'll pick up where I left off with some of me old girlfriends.
And when he says OLD girlfriends, he really means OLD girlfriends.
Well, I've reached a verdict.
The man's an imbecile! But a romantic imbecile.
It's 60 years since he saw Doreen.
Does he still think she'll look like Shirley Temple? Even if she had all the cosmetics in the vice squad! Maybe it won't come to that.
Maybe he's wearing Nora down - he wears everyone else down.
Maybe this time, when he gives her one last chance, she'll grab it! I know what she'll grab.
She'll grab a weapon.
What do you want? What's this for? It's crunch time, lass - tha last chance.
I want thee to tell me here and now, am I number one in your life? Just a minute.
She's thinking about it! I'll tell you what number you are - you're number one nuisance! I wasn't born to be a check-out girl.
I was born for romance and adventure, until Mr Right comes along Or even Mr Not Quite Right.
A person has to be flexible.
CRASH! Don't frighten me, you dark stranger.
Sending a girl's wheels a-wobble! Are you all right? I'm lying helpless at your feet.
How all right can you get? I never meant to throw you off balance.
How disappointing! It's a long time since I was last thrown off balance.
Here, hold the bicycle.
Oh, very well.
Since you are so obviously of a very forward nature, I'll throw caution to the winds and allow you certain familiarities not normally available to strangers.
But it's me! It's Howard.
Howard! .
.
Well, I-I knew all the time.
You don't imagine I'd drift into conversation with a total stranger? I think I've got the solution! Well, if you have, I'm sure I can find the right question.
How we can meet, in broad daylight! I think I've got the perfect answer.
But we always get tangled up in your raincoat.
No, no, it's a better disguise than this one.
I've been working on it.
We'll meet this afternoon and I'll show you.
In broad daylight? I know it's a bit reckless, but Reckless is my middle name.
Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina! BAA! That were it.
That were her last chance.
So you offered, and she turned you down.
How lucky can you get? Oh, I wouldn't say she turned me down.
I think she were nervous of the emotional committee-ment.
Not to mention the financial - she'd have to support you.
Aye.
I hope she's not thinking I've REALLY left her.
Dabbing at her eyes with her duster(!) Duster? Huh! She's tough enough for a Brillo pad! She needs competition.
I've got to make her madly jealous.
Jealous of YOUR old girlfriends? The only emotion they aroused was fear.
Even from the back! Maybe they've improved with age.
So they'd be OLD and horrible! Why does everything have to keep reminding me of the former Mrs Truelove? He does! He still loves her! I can't bear to think of her with the kind of man who'd go with the former Mrs Truelove.
I'm surrounded by romantics.
TOOT-TOOT! Can I ask you a question? Well, you can, but I know nothing about motor vehicles.
My only experience of faulty machinery began on me wedding day.
It's not about motor vehicles.
I'm trying to find out what ladies like.
Have you been getting too close to the petrol fumes? I just want some idea of what you'd like for a present.
Wesley Pegden! Does Edie know you're offering presents to other women? I'm not! It's not for other women.
It's for Edie.
I'm trying to find out what ladies like for presents.
I keep getting it wrong.
Why? What did you buy her? A nice, hand-initialled set of screwdrivers.
Howard! How did you know it was Howard? You know motor vehicles, I know Howard.
Why is he dressed like that? A good question.
Have you got a good answer? Dressed like what? Why are you wearing all that raincoat? Oh, has it stopped? SLURPING When are you planning this assault on the female population? Right now.
Strike while the iron's hot.
Don't you mean lukewarm? Norman! There's still enough heat in the engine room.
I'm surprised, given all the holes it could escape through.
Suppose these old birds of yours are married now? Who's going to marry his old birds? Phoebe Smethers got married.
A good solicitor could get him off on the grounds of insanity.
Who DID she marry? I'm sure I don't know what you mean.
You needn't think I've been listening.
Never! But who did Phoebe Smethers marry? Phoebe Smethers? She looked like that film star - Oliver Reed.
She never did! She were all right, were Phoebe.
She once bit me on the leg, through a pair of cords.
It went septic.
Oh! THAT Phoebe Smethers.
Who DID she marry? I think he was a stranger round here.
He'd have to be a stranger anywhere to marry her.
Don't think it lasted.
'Ey up, then! Here we go.
Phoebe's free! Free for what? Action! Excitement! Yorkshire's Errol Flynn is looking for old girlfriends.
Oh, that'll be a treat for them(!) I'd sooner paper a ceiling.
There's always been a certain electricity between me and women.
And you look like you've been cut off again.
Oh, I get it.
Tha don't like the outfit.
Ten times smarter, and you'd still be rejected for our jumble sale.
You need a wrecker's yard.
Is that the jumble stuff there? It's for charity! I'm a charity.
You can take your pick for £5.
Done! Since when have you had £5? Once I've borrowed £2.
50 from him and £2.
50 from thee! Something suitable for a lady? Hmm.
Well, congratulations on coming to the right place.
Not too expensive.
But you've come with the wrong attitude! Now That's the best single piece of advice I can give you.
D'you know what's wrong with the world? People are too timid.
And getting timider.
It's because they think too small.
You've got to grow inwardly.
How much? Just relax.
The first thing is to relax.
You're all tense.
Don't look at me - look at that sign.
I want you to stand there and feel yourself thinking big.
How big? Bigger than that.
It's only me.
What's for lunch? It's your favourite.
Oh, that's nice! What's me favourite? Oh, don't tell me it's not? I thought it was your favourite.
It's me favourite! You seem nervous, love.
What's the matter? Barry What is it? What is it? You know that tan suit I never liked? You wore it when you went out with that blonde before you met me.
Light tan Nice suit, yeah What about it? I've given it to the jumble sale.
You what?! I can't live with it in the house, Barry.
I can't live with that suit that's been round that horrible blonde.
I've hardly worn it! I thought I'd wear it if we ever went somewhere warm.
Oh, eat your lunch, Barry! It's your favourite.
CLEGG CHUCKLES There'll be no stopping him now! Phoebe's going to think he always wears things with no holes in.
You don't think there's any danger of? I don't think he intends to go that far.
I know he can be a nuisance, but I wouldn't like to think of him beingmarried.
Who's going to marry him? Would you marry him? If you'd be a bridesmaid.
That's a wicked thing to say to a policeman! Hey! Don't leave him on MY premises.
He changed his suit, not his habits.
# Look out, Phoebe Cos here I come! # Ho-ho, ho-ho! I know how painful it is when you get injured down there! Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha! Why the hurry to take stuff to the jumble sale? Well, it's such a good cause.
I hate it when I know you're lying and I can't put me finger on it! Why don't you trust me more? If you think I did something wrong, there'll be an innocent explanation.
And I bet you wish you could always think of it.
And why are we giving MY stuff away? Why not some of yours? Mine are in the bag.
One scarf?! It's a very good scarf.
It's got holes in it! .
.
Except where it's got holes in it.
This is Phoebe's house.
Well, she's a lot neater than she used to be.
She used to look as if she came out of a kennel.
But from a good home! It's her house! The man in the post office said.
It's dicing with fate.
Suppose you finish up engaged to be married? So it'll serve Nora Batty right and I'll settle down in a nice bungalow.
You'll have to do the gardening.
We shall have a marriage contract - she can have all the excitement she wants, but no gardening.
I'm sorry to see it go.
Me too.
Well, she wanted something you wouldn't be likely to borrow.
Don't forget - these are appreciating in value.
They're becoming a collector's item.
If she doesn't like it, would you exchange it? You'll have to speak up! I'm no good without me hearing aid.
Anyway, you give my regards to all your family and don't forget to tell them I've got a sale on.
Phoebe! It's me! The killer kisser! Sugarlips Simmonite! Ha-ha-ha! What about the magnetism? You really made an impression(!) She were obviously confused.
Her eyesight's not as good as it was.
I'd pack it in while you're ahead.
I've got it! Babs - I'll have a go at Babs.
Babs? You mean King Kong's alive and well? She were always a good sport, were Babs.
Mainly wrestling, wasn't it? A dolly tub? It took me 20 years to get rid of a dolly tub, and he comes in with one as a present.
At least he's giving you things.
Mine's giving my things away.
He's taken a load of my stuff to the jumble sale.
Well, it's all in a good cause.
Yes.
I don't think my Barry thinks so.
I gave one of his suits to the sale.
Which one? Will it fit your father? I wouldn't give it to me father - it attracts blondes! Him that sells the second-hand cars - he must have a suit like that.
Mine wears man-made fibres.
All he attracts is an artificial blonde.
I've heard of clothes attracting moths, but blondes Better than attracting dolly tubs.
Mother, it's appreciating in value! I'd sooner have a set of screwdrivers! WOMAN'S LAUGHTER Well, he wanted a woman on his arm.
I think he's forgotten how big Babs is.
DOOR SQUEAKS You're looking good in the suit.
You're looking as if it might get creased.
How's he going to wriggle out of that? At least she remembered him.
I think we shall all remember him.
If you're going to sulk, Barry I'll buy you a new suit.
I liked THAT suit.
I was saving it for a holiday in the sun.
I'm disappointed that you, a married man, would want to wear a suit that attracts blondes.
How can a suit attract blondes? I never felt secure with it.
It's gone to a good cause.
Let someone who needs it get the benefit.
How can a suit attract blondes?! That's my suit! And look what's following it! I told you, Barry! My God! I'll never wear that colour again, if it attracts things like that.
Oh, dear! She took some evading, that one.
She were faster than she had the right to be.
I thought you made a lovely couple.
Babs alone makes a lovely couple.
She wanted to take me home - to meet her mother! You were making progress there! All I wanted was summat on me arm to walk past Nora Batty.
Have you thought about a parrot? I'm thinking of giving it up And this is the great idea, Howard? This is the big disguise? Only while we're in town, love.
I've got me own clothes in this bag.
As soon as we're out of town, I can change into something more masculine.
I'm glad about that(!) Actually, it's a brilliant idea.
I want you to promise me, Howard you're not going to start turning up prettier than me? 'Ey up! Who's the blonde with Marina? I don't know the face, but the moustache is familiar.
I could have sworn it was the former Mrs Truelove.
What's the hurry, Howard? The name's Hilda and I don't speak to strange men.
Oh, come off it, Howard! You're just what I'm looking for.
A blonde to parade before Nora Batty! No good standing there, love.
You'll miss all the bargains.
At least he can't MARRY Howard.
He could do worse.
Howard's very good round the house.
If you can keep him round the house.
'Ey up, Nora! Nice day for a bit of jumble.
I don't know who the ghastly trollop is, but the clothes look familiar.
I told you, Barry It attracts blondes.
How much is this? Howard! It's Hilda.
Hilda.
With a moustache.
It stops her being accosted by strange men.
And it works.
Very successfully.
I can explain, love.
I never really fancied her, even without a moustache.
It were just a passing fancy.
You're the one, lass.
But do me a favour Get thyself some new stockings, if tha wants to come out with me in this flash suit! Mind the suit! I think I'm winning - first time she's come at me with a dolly peg! Oo-arh!