Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s19e08 Episode Script
Nowhere Particular
Come on.
Come on, will you? Come on! Yeeargh! COMPO SPLUTTERS: Co Comeon.
Come on.
Come 'ere! Whatever have you got down there? I'll show thee if ever I get the strength! I know you've got nothing there.
You're trying to get me round that corner.
Sometimes this lack of trust really hu-u-urts! Oh! I must be slipping.
ENGINE FAILS TO START Ah, Smiler - just the lad.
I'm in an 'urry.
Me, too.
I've got to get this van going for Howard.
Howard's bought a van? No - junk! I'VE got to turn it into a van! You see this? I want you to hold it against this contact here.
When I turn the starter, look out for sparks.
Is it dangerous? Would I ask you to do it if it was dangerous? Which one do I hold? Is it this one? No - THIS one.
Now, just hold it in this position.
Oh, life is always so complicated.
Still, so long as it's not dangerous.
Have you got it? Yes.
Now, keep your eye out for sparks.
ENGINE STUTTERS Ah! Ooh! That was lovely, Smiler.
I THOUGHT that was the live one.
This is in strictest confidence.
Howard doesn't want anybody to know he's got a van.
You gave me a shock.
It shocked me, too! Howard was the LAST person I ever thought would have a van! YELPING AND HOWLING Grr-rr! Arrgh! YELPS Tha'll have to give us a hand, love! He's up to somethin'.
You're not catchin' me THIS time! Come and give us a hand, lass! Sometimes I think life gets harder.
I'll have to go now, Mother.
I've just heard Barry getting the car out.
It's his day off.
I expect he's taking me somewhere nice.
I KNOW I'm lucky.
Everybody's husband's not so thoughtful.
I'll ca Ca Catch you later, Mother.
Bye! She looks well! She does.
I'm just glad you haven't started bringing it inside the house! Where are we going? Going? Where are you taking me? For your day off? I thought I'd clean her a bit.
THEN you'll take me somewhere? Well, yeah, if you like.
If you can think of somewhere Interesting? Clean.
I-It's cleaner than Howard's van.
Howard's got a van?! Oh.
Oh.
H-He wants it keeping quiet, so mum's the word.
It's HIS business.
Oh, absolutely.
His business entirely.
Did you know Howard's got a van? Howard? I've got it.
Have you heard? Howard's got a van! Now, have you got that pencil? MORE "BARKING" Tha'll have to help me, lass! It's too much for one person.
Give over! Give over! Sit! No, sit! AH! I knew it! I've fallen for it again! Worth it, though, isn't it, eh? It's really quite an attractive van.
Not from where I am.
Of course, I realise it needs doing up a bit.
I hope you're not planning to go too far, Howard.
What? We're just good friends.
With the VAN! Oh.
Oh, with the van! You didn't tell anyone it was mine, did you? Do you realise I must have absolute secrecy? You keep sayin' that! Well, I have to be certain.
Pearl would misunderstand any reports of my increased mobility.
Your secret's safe with us, Howard.
Who's going to go around gossiping about your van? Once you've finished with the engine, could you make things sort ofcomfy in 'ere? HOW comfy, Howard? Well, you know REALLY comfy.
How do, Wesley? How's Howard's van? Oh-ho! Where's the other two? They'll be coming.
Oh.
Something to look forward to(!) What's tha' got that's cheap? Advice.
Don't touch! I could murder a bun.
You usually do, and everybody can hear the struggle! 'Ey up! Who's this gorgeous couple? We're all dressed up this morning.
What's the big occasion? Please don't handle the garments.
I'm taking Clegg out on business.
It's HIS idea.
It all happened so fast.
It's like being called up.
You can't let people treat you in that manner.
You have to stand up for your rights.
What rights? You've made a good first move.
You've placed yourself in MY hands.
"Placed"? More like "kidnapped"! What's he got thee doing? Don't come too near.
I don't want ferret hairs all over the threads.
He says I'm paying too much council tax.
He's taking me to the council.
We're going to sort it out.
Wouldn't you be better with somebody who knows what he's doing? He would.
He'd do better with somebody who knew what they was doing.
I'm no stranger to representing people.
As a former copper, I have the legal know-how.
"Legal know-how".
Plus a wealth of experience in facing up to one of the world's most diabolical criminal minds.
The Hackney Strangler? The former Mrs Truelove.
Clegg needs someone for the defence.
Tha's always been prosecuting.
Not always.
I spoke for 25 minutes once in front of judge and jury on behalf of some poor devil who'd been charged with wife murder.
What happened? They hanged him but that was on a technicality.
Our own transport? It seemed like a natural move.
Oh, Howard! Our own transport.
It'll be less conspicuous than riding about on bicycles.
And less wear and tear, providing the driver's a gentleman, of course.
The thing we have to do, of course, is keep it absolutely secret.
It'll be OUR secret, Howard.
Oh, Marina.
Oh, Howard.
How do, Howard? I hear tha's gettin' a van.
Don't worry, Norm.
Even HE can't get thee hung this time.
Could I have that in writing? He'll be in good hands.
I won't let these people trample on him.
Being trampled on was a condition of employment before the war.
With you two gone, what am I going to do all day? Oh, you'll find something.
Make yourself useful.
Do something for the area.
Emigrate! Listen, Perry Mason.
Be sure and bring him back in one piece.
I wish I didn't know what I was going to do all day.
You'll be fine.
I can be very impressive on these legal occasions.
They'll think I'm some big gun from the Queen's bench.
What are you gonna do all day? I could maybe find you some odd-jobs.
Oh, no.
It's me back, love.
Thanks all the same.
I suppose I could go home and clean me ferrets.
No, I'll save that for a rainy day.
Cleaning wet ferrets? Oh, that sounds delicious(!) I think I'll have a wander round Nora Batty.
You'd be safer cleaning your ferrets.
She can be very playful.
Nora Batty - playful?! Do you want to see the scars? Not on catering premises, I don't! Oh, I'd like one of them buns.
Oh, no you don't! Put it on the slate, love.
BEEPING DOORBELL CHIMES What do YOU want? They've had to go down the town hall, which means I'm suddenly left with some free time.
I thought, for something different today, what about if you and I try to make some BIG magic, eh? I'll tell you what magic YOU can do YOU can disappear! How about we go down there and play some Fred Astaire records? # Boo be do-be-do # Here's something you'll find hard to resist.
How about if we papered my bedroom? All right.
We'll paper YOUR bedroom.
Listen, don't play so hard to get.
I've put 25 years into this! If I could get a personal loan, what about a honeymoon in Blackpool? I'm not saying we have to get married - just a honeymoon.
Your husband always wanted us to get together especially when he was alive! All I'm gettin' is silence.
Is that your final answer? No, THIS is my final answer! Ooh! Argh! That's a nice clean car, Barry.
I like a nice clean car.
I've got a neighbour who's a cleaning fanatic.
She's not as tidy round the ankles as thee, but I bet you two could meet and exchange experiences.
I wouldn't say I was a fanatic, Mr Simmonite but I like a clean car.
We all like things clean, Barry.
It's just that we scruffy beggars get disheartened trying to compete against experts like thee.
Good cleaners are born.
I sometimes wonder why, but, well Well, I must, er, go and change me water, Mr Simmonite.
I know the feeling, Barry.
Keep polishing, Barry.
'Ey up! A pillow! I could do with that.
Now, then, what do you tell them when you get to Donaldson Street? They have to pay extra.
No, no, show a bit of tact, lad.
You tell them that, "On account of their good order" Well, go on then.
Repeat after me.
"On account of their good order" ".
.
Auntie Wainwright has popped in a few extra items" SMILER REPEATS ".
.
at rock-bottom prices as a token of appreciation.
" HE REPLIES VERBATIM Don't come back without the money.
"Don't come back without the money.
" Suppose something drops off? Looks like it could any minute, but I just hope it's from YOU! Oh! I really ought to have some help.
And here it comes.
Now, isn't that miraculous? Just when you need some help, it appears.
I shan't have to be long.
It's Barry's day off.
He's taking me for a ride when he's cleaned his car.
He does DRIVE it, then? All I've seen him do is clean it! He likes a clean car.
They do.
Mine cleaned his motorbike till you could see your face in it, but give him a window to clean, he'd leave streaks! They do.
They leave streaks.
Oh, mine's not too bad with windows.
Mind you, he's had the practice.
It's his OUT-door activities I've got to keep an eye on.
For outdoor activities, my Barry is thinking about golf.
Since when? Ohsince recently.
Our family's never had any golfers! I hope it won't interfere with his more sober practices! I don't see what's wrong with golf.
It's socially acceptable.
There are some very funny things socially acceptable these days.
They START with golf, then the next thing you know, it's dinner parties and a new conservatory! Didn't he used to play golf - the one that went wild with his secretary? HOW wild? Drink your coffee! I wish MINE would play golf, but he can only handle one thing at a time.
Give him a bagful of clubs to choose from and he'd never make up his mind.
No, he likes the simple pleasures - the simpler the better.
His secretary wasn't that attractive.
They run away with the funniest women.
You can't argue with that.
I'm sure if my Barry played golf, it wouldn't lead to any further trouble.
You never know what they'll be after next, once they get the conservatory.
He's GOT an outdoor activity.
He cleans his car.
What MORE does he want? Hang on a minute, Smiler.
There's got to be a better way to stop this stuff falling off.
Tha's never going to believe this.
I think I've got it! It's just come to me! I knew we'd crack it, Smiler, soon as we put our minds to it.
I don't remember putting my mind to it.
I think it was YOU that put all your mind to it! Tha' sounds unhappy, Smiler.
It's a long way to Donaldson Street.
Not if we take the short cut.
Not too fast, Smiler! Don't tell ME! Tell the handcart! A touch more brake, Smiler! That's probably a good idea if we HAD any brakes! CART CRASHES Hey! That's a funny way to spell "Howard"! Right then, Smiler.
Tha' can manage now.
Y-You can't leave me now! I got thee down here, didn't I? Mission accomplished.
Duty done.
It's only a few doors down.
I've got to go.
I can't leave Nora Batty for too long in case she starts to fret.
W-What will I say to the people? Oh, tha'll think of summat.
Tha' were always a glib talker.
Everybody says so.
"Oh, that Smiler.
Wonderful talker! Holds thee spellbound.
" That's what they say.
Mmm.
They do? Tha' was noted for it.
"That Smiler" they'd say, "talk his way out of anything.
" Listen, if tha' want anything, at any time, give me a whistle.
I don't know what I'm going to tell these people.
Oh, that's a laugh, coming from Mr Silver-Tongue himself! 'Ey up, Howard.
All tha' needs now is a goldfish in a bowl! Look, it's just a temporary arrangement.
That's what tha' said about Marina.
I don't know what you mean.
Right, we'd better get her road-tested.
Marina? She's BEEN road-tested quite a few times.
I meant the van.
Oh, the van! If you'll just give me the keys, I'll take her for a test.
Wait.
I'M the one that has to road-test her.
There's me reputation at stake here.
He's right, Howard.
I shall come along as a witness.
Not bad for a temporary arrangement.
Go up to the junction and turn left.
Where are we going, Howard? N-Nowhere particular.
Then take the second on the right, go 300 yards and look out for a lane.
That's REALLY nowhere particular! Turn right here.
Why right, Howard? Ohno particular reason.
Just a whim.
I can see the whim from here! She's waiting! Oh, what a coincidence! I think there might be room at the front.
There usually is.
Wouldn't you rather be in the front? I'm fine, Howard.
It's really quite snug in the back.
It looks TOO snug if you ask me! Nobody asked thee, Howard.
Don't worry.
She'll make it.
HOWARD: It's a bit steep.
Well, if it's a road test, you have to try things out.
I believe this young lady is of the same opinion! Where's he going with Marina? I think he might be going quite far, Howard.
It's a long hill.
That was just the first step.
It's not over yet.
Well, you said you'd make them adjust it, and they did.
They put it UP 30 quid! That was a bluff.
We had them scared there.
We'll get them on appeal.
At £30 a go, do you think we can AFFORD to appeal? Do you think YOU'VE had a bad day? What about scruffy trousers? He'll have been bored out of his mind! He has no idea what to do when we're not around.
I bet he's had the most boring time of his life! Hello, Truly.
Hello, Norm.
Where have YOU been? Nowhere particular.
That's as close as I can get without embarrassing a lady.
HE WHISTLES CHEERILY BBC - 1998
Come on, will you? Come on! Yeeargh! COMPO SPLUTTERS: Co Comeon.
Come on.
Come 'ere! Whatever have you got down there? I'll show thee if ever I get the strength! I know you've got nothing there.
You're trying to get me round that corner.
Sometimes this lack of trust really hu-u-urts! Oh! I must be slipping.
ENGINE FAILS TO START Ah, Smiler - just the lad.
I'm in an 'urry.
Me, too.
I've got to get this van going for Howard.
Howard's bought a van? No - junk! I'VE got to turn it into a van! You see this? I want you to hold it against this contact here.
When I turn the starter, look out for sparks.
Is it dangerous? Would I ask you to do it if it was dangerous? Which one do I hold? Is it this one? No - THIS one.
Now, just hold it in this position.
Oh, life is always so complicated.
Still, so long as it's not dangerous.
Have you got it? Yes.
Now, keep your eye out for sparks.
ENGINE STUTTERS Ah! Ooh! That was lovely, Smiler.
I THOUGHT that was the live one.
This is in strictest confidence.
Howard doesn't want anybody to know he's got a van.
You gave me a shock.
It shocked me, too! Howard was the LAST person I ever thought would have a van! YELPING AND HOWLING Grr-rr! Arrgh! YELPS Tha'll have to give us a hand, love! He's up to somethin'.
You're not catchin' me THIS time! Come and give us a hand, lass! Sometimes I think life gets harder.
I'll have to go now, Mother.
I've just heard Barry getting the car out.
It's his day off.
I expect he's taking me somewhere nice.
I KNOW I'm lucky.
Everybody's husband's not so thoughtful.
I'll ca Ca Catch you later, Mother.
Bye! She looks well! She does.
I'm just glad you haven't started bringing it inside the house! Where are we going? Going? Where are you taking me? For your day off? I thought I'd clean her a bit.
THEN you'll take me somewhere? Well, yeah, if you like.
If you can think of somewhere Interesting? Clean.
I-It's cleaner than Howard's van.
Howard's got a van?! Oh.
Oh.
H-He wants it keeping quiet, so mum's the word.
It's HIS business.
Oh, absolutely.
His business entirely.
Did you know Howard's got a van? Howard? I've got it.
Have you heard? Howard's got a van! Now, have you got that pencil? MORE "BARKING" Tha'll have to help me, lass! It's too much for one person.
Give over! Give over! Sit! No, sit! AH! I knew it! I've fallen for it again! Worth it, though, isn't it, eh? It's really quite an attractive van.
Not from where I am.
Of course, I realise it needs doing up a bit.
I hope you're not planning to go too far, Howard.
What? We're just good friends.
With the VAN! Oh.
Oh, with the van! You didn't tell anyone it was mine, did you? Do you realise I must have absolute secrecy? You keep sayin' that! Well, I have to be certain.
Pearl would misunderstand any reports of my increased mobility.
Your secret's safe with us, Howard.
Who's going to go around gossiping about your van? Once you've finished with the engine, could you make things sort ofcomfy in 'ere? HOW comfy, Howard? Well, you know REALLY comfy.
How do, Wesley? How's Howard's van? Oh-ho! Where's the other two? They'll be coming.
Oh.
Something to look forward to(!) What's tha' got that's cheap? Advice.
Don't touch! I could murder a bun.
You usually do, and everybody can hear the struggle! 'Ey up! Who's this gorgeous couple? We're all dressed up this morning.
What's the big occasion? Please don't handle the garments.
I'm taking Clegg out on business.
It's HIS idea.
It all happened so fast.
It's like being called up.
You can't let people treat you in that manner.
You have to stand up for your rights.
What rights? You've made a good first move.
You've placed yourself in MY hands.
"Placed"? More like "kidnapped"! What's he got thee doing? Don't come too near.
I don't want ferret hairs all over the threads.
He says I'm paying too much council tax.
He's taking me to the council.
We're going to sort it out.
Wouldn't you be better with somebody who knows what he's doing? He would.
He'd do better with somebody who knew what they was doing.
I'm no stranger to representing people.
As a former copper, I have the legal know-how.
"Legal know-how".
Plus a wealth of experience in facing up to one of the world's most diabolical criminal minds.
The Hackney Strangler? The former Mrs Truelove.
Clegg needs someone for the defence.
Tha's always been prosecuting.
Not always.
I spoke for 25 minutes once in front of judge and jury on behalf of some poor devil who'd been charged with wife murder.
What happened? They hanged him but that was on a technicality.
Our own transport? It seemed like a natural move.
Oh, Howard! Our own transport.
It'll be less conspicuous than riding about on bicycles.
And less wear and tear, providing the driver's a gentleman, of course.
The thing we have to do, of course, is keep it absolutely secret.
It'll be OUR secret, Howard.
Oh, Marina.
Oh, Howard.
How do, Howard? I hear tha's gettin' a van.
Don't worry, Norm.
Even HE can't get thee hung this time.
Could I have that in writing? He'll be in good hands.
I won't let these people trample on him.
Being trampled on was a condition of employment before the war.
With you two gone, what am I going to do all day? Oh, you'll find something.
Make yourself useful.
Do something for the area.
Emigrate! Listen, Perry Mason.
Be sure and bring him back in one piece.
I wish I didn't know what I was going to do all day.
You'll be fine.
I can be very impressive on these legal occasions.
They'll think I'm some big gun from the Queen's bench.
What are you gonna do all day? I could maybe find you some odd-jobs.
Oh, no.
It's me back, love.
Thanks all the same.
I suppose I could go home and clean me ferrets.
No, I'll save that for a rainy day.
Cleaning wet ferrets? Oh, that sounds delicious(!) I think I'll have a wander round Nora Batty.
You'd be safer cleaning your ferrets.
She can be very playful.
Nora Batty - playful?! Do you want to see the scars? Not on catering premises, I don't! Oh, I'd like one of them buns.
Oh, no you don't! Put it on the slate, love.
BEEPING DOORBELL CHIMES What do YOU want? They've had to go down the town hall, which means I'm suddenly left with some free time.
I thought, for something different today, what about if you and I try to make some BIG magic, eh? I'll tell you what magic YOU can do YOU can disappear! How about we go down there and play some Fred Astaire records? # Boo be do-be-do # Here's something you'll find hard to resist.
How about if we papered my bedroom? All right.
We'll paper YOUR bedroom.
Listen, don't play so hard to get.
I've put 25 years into this! If I could get a personal loan, what about a honeymoon in Blackpool? I'm not saying we have to get married - just a honeymoon.
Your husband always wanted us to get together especially when he was alive! All I'm gettin' is silence.
Is that your final answer? No, THIS is my final answer! Ooh! Argh! That's a nice clean car, Barry.
I like a nice clean car.
I've got a neighbour who's a cleaning fanatic.
She's not as tidy round the ankles as thee, but I bet you two could meet and exchange experiences.
I wouldn't say I was a fanatic, Mr Simmonite but I like a clean car.
We all like things clean, Barry.
It's just that we scruffy beggars get disheartened trying to compete against experts like thee.
Good cleaners are born.
I sometimes wonder why, but, well Well, I must, er, go and change me water, Mr Simmonite.
I know the feeling, Barry.
Keep polishing, Barry.
'Ey up! A pillow! I could do with that.
Now, then, what do you tell them when you get to Donaldson Street? They have to pay extra.
No, no, show a bit of tact, lad.
You tell them that, "On account of their good order" Well, go on then.
Repeat after me.
"On account of their good order" ".
.
Auntie Wainwright has popped in a few extra items" SMILER REPEATS ".
.
at rock-bottom prices as a token of appreciation.
" HE REPLIES VERBATIM Don't come back without the money.
"Don't come back without the money.
" Suppose something drops off? Looks like it could any minute, but I just hope it's from YOU! Oh! I really ought to have some help.
And here it comes.
Now, isn't that miraculous? Just when you need some help, it appears.
I shan't have to be long.
It's Barry's day off.
He's taking me for a ride when he's cleaned his car.
He does DRIVE it, then? All I've seen him do is clean it! He likes a clean car.
They do.
Mine cleaned his motorbike till you could see your face in it, but give him a window to clean, he'd leave streaks! They do.
They leave streaks.
Oh, mine's not too bad with windows.
Mind you, he's had the practice.
It's his OUT-door activities I've got to keep an eye on.
For outdoor activities, my Barry is thinking about golf.
Since when? Ohsince recently.
Our family's never had any golfers! I hope it won't interfere with his more sober practices! I don't see what's wrong with golf.
It's socially acceptable.
There are some very funny things socially acceptable these days.
They START with golf, then the next thing you know, it's dinner parties and a new conservatory! Didn't he used to play golf - the one that went wild with his secretary? HOW wild? Drink your coffee! I wish MINE would play golf, but he can only handle one thing at a time.
Give him a bagful of clubs to choose from and he'd never make up his mind.
No, he likes the simple pleasures - the simpler the better.
His secretary wasn't that attractive.
They run away with the funniest women.
You can't argue with that.
I'm sure if my Barry played golf, it wouldn't lead to any further trouble.
You never know what they'll be after next, once they get the conservatory.
He's GOT an outdoor activity.
He cleans his car.
What MORE does he want? Hang on a minute, Smiler.
There's got to be a better way to stop this stuff falling off.
Tha's never going to believe this.
I think I've got it! It's just come to me! I knew we'd crack it, Smiler, soon as we put our minds to it.
I don't remember putting my mind to it.
I think it was YOU that put all your mind to it! Tha' sounds unhappy, Smiler.
It's a long way to Donaldson Street.
Not if we take the short cut.
Not too fast, Smiler! Don't tell ME! Tell the handcart! A touch more brake, Smiler! That's probably a good idea if we HAD any brakes! CART CRASHES Hey! That's a funny way to spell "Howard"! Right then, Smiler.
Tha' can manage now.
Y-You can't leave me now! I got thee down here, didn't I? Mission accomplished.
Duty done.
It's only a few doors down.
I've got to go.
I can't leave Nora Batty for too long in case she starts to fret.
W-What will I say to the people? Oh, tha'll think of summat.
Tha' were always a glib talker.
Everybody says so.
"Oh, that Smiler.
Wonderful talker! Holds thee spellbound.
" That's what they say.
Mmm.
They do? Tha' was noted for it.
"That Smiler" they'd say, "talk his way out of anything.
" Listen, if tha' want anything, at any time, give me a whistle.
I don't know what I'm going to tell these people.
Oh, that's a laugh, coming from Mr Silver-Tongue himself! 'Ey up, Howard.
All tha' needs now is a goldfish in a bowl! Look, it's just a temporary arrangement.
That's what tha' said about Marina.
I don't know what you mean.
Right, we'd better get her road-tested.
Marina? She's BEEN road-tested quite a few times.
I meant the van.
Oh, the van! If you'll just give me the keys, I'll take her for a test.
Wait.
I'M the one that has to road-test her.
There's me reputation at stake here.
He's right, Howard.
I shall come along as a witness.
Not bad for a temporary arrangement.
Go up to the junction and turn left.
Where are we going, Howard? N-Nowhere particular.
Then take the second on the right, go 300 yards and look out for a lane.
That's REALLY nowhere particular! Turn right here.
Why right, Howard? Ohno particular reason.
Just a whim.
I can see the whim from here! She's waiting! Oh, what a coincidence! I think there might be room at the front.
There usually is.
Wouldn't you rather be in the front? I'm fine, Howard.
It's really quite snug in the back.
It looks TOO snug if you ask me! Nobody asked thee, Howard.
Don't worry.
She'll make it.
HOWARD: It's a bit steep.
Well, if it's a road test, you have to try things out.
I believe this young lady is of the same opinion! Where's he going with Marina? I think he might be going quite far, Howard.
It's a long hill.
That was just the first step.
It's not over yet.
Well, you said you'd make them adjust it, and they did.
They put it UP 30 quid! That was a bluff.
We had them scared there.
We'll get them on appeal.
At £30 a go, do you think we can AFFORD to appeal? Do you think YOU'VE had a bad day? What about scruffy trousers? He'll have been bored out of his mind! He has no idea what to do when we're not around.
I bet he's had the most boring time of his life! Hello, Truly.
Hello, Norm.
Where have YOU been? Nowhere particular.
That's as close as I can get without embarrassing a lady.
HE WHISTLES CHEERILY BBC - 1998