Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s20e06 Episode Script
Will Barry Go Septic Despite Listening To Classical Music?
Wha-hoo! .
.
Ah-hoo! Whoa-oa! She's in the hallway, she's heading for the door, reaching for the knob, the door is about to openNOW! What're you doing with my clothes prop? I'm practising my balancing skills.
I'm awfully nimble for a next-door neighbour! Suppose you fall and break something, like my clothes prop? Ze human fly does not fall! Ze human fly sticks like magic to ANY surface! It does to THAT surface.
That wall's wide enough to drive a lorry on it.
Make sure ze human fly puts my prop back when he's finished with it! Got tha heart beating, though, didn't it? Tha love life at risk on a high wall All right, a LOW wall.
Well, are you getting out? Why can't I come with you? Because you get bored and start looking at your watch.
It's not much of a watch to look at.
All your money goes on equipment.
Maud, I'm doing work of the highest scientific importance! So why do you have to do it alone? I don't trust you, Lester.
You're always sneaking off with some woman.
Always?! You caught me ONCE with some other woman.
Twenty-five years ago! Well, you'll be ready for another try.
Maud, have a walk around town.
Annoy some shopkeepers.
Enjoy yourself.
Just make sure YOU don't enjoy yourself! Goodbye, Maud.
Just remember who you're married to.
(Do she think I could ever forget?!) There's something magnetic about water.
But not to you.
I like water.
For paddling in with your wellies.
Well, that's what it's for.
It draws your eye.
When I was married, I'd often be found staring into water, thinking about the former Mrs Truelove and then realising she was too heavy to throw accurately.
Has tha got a clothes prop? Not on me.
A propelling pencil any good? I need a clothes prop.
Could we ask why? For balance.
Too late.
You're a very unbalanced person.
No need to have ordered a white van.
.
.
Excuse me, I'm looking for this.
And some happy knack has guided you to us.
Am I on the right road? Definitely.
He hasn't even looked.
The uncanny instincts of the poor.
Me mam were a witch.
SOUNDED like witch.
.
.
You're on the right road.
Turn left at the crossroads.
Thanks.
Oh, could I ask? Have you been hearing any rumblings round here? Funny, that.
His stomach.
He eats too much.
Whenever possible.
Mind, it might be psycho-cological, on account of the fact I'm in love.
No, BIG rumblings.
Like t'earth's moved.
Yes, that's him - his stomach.
Have a listen.
I think I'll pass, thanks.
I wish tha'd stop spreading rumours about my stomach.
Listen, your stomach spreads its own rumours.
I come from a musical family.
At school, you'd let people listen to it for a halfpenny.
Only the boys.
The girls were free.
Hey, Norm, has tha got a clothes prop? It's his latest obsession.
What happened to Nora Batty? Though I can see why he'd prefer a prop.
Surely tha missus had a clothes prop? She had a hat with fruit on it.
I didn't keep that.
Surely tha missus had a clothes prop? She had a hat with fruit on it.
I didn't keep that.
Psst! I can put you onto a good clothes prop.
Ignore him.
It's a trap.
He won't listen.
They're both quite barmy.
You know where there's a clothes prop? (Told you!) Yes.
Keeping it a secret, are we? Your mysterious, undercover clothes prop.
Before I reveal its whereabouts, I think we ought to do a bit of business first.
Business? Monkey business.
He's been at it all morning.
He's planning a breakout again and the warder will think I'm involved.
All a person who wants a clothes prop has to do is invite me out.
I'll show him where a clothes prop of exceptional quality can be found.
Sounds fair to me.
He'll disappear and then Pearl will blame me.
I won't disappear.
I just want some fresh air.
You see? He just wants some fresh air.
You'll believe anything, you.
I was a policeman.
The rule of thumb is never believe anything.
Is it far, this prop? Well, it's Let me think.
It's second on the left, then you take a right, then take a left Oh, no, it's not far.
Not far? It's nearly Manchester! And tha'll show us where it is before tha goes? Howard is a man of his word.
Ask Pearl.
Ask Pearl?! I don't know how you dare say that.
All right, it's a deal.
We'll take thee with us and you owe me one clothes prop.
It were here all the time! You made a deal.
For the hire of a bicycle for a few hours, that's outrageous! I could throw in a free puncture outfit.
You'd have to be daft or masculine to waste money like that.
I can see YOU know the value of 1d.
You can have it at the winter rate.
How much is that? Same as summer rate, but you get a waterproof hat.
No, no, no.
All right - thirty bob and he'll show you where to go.
Him? Does he know the area? Does he know the area?! Every inch of it like the back of his hand.
SMASH-SH! Do you ever wonder about life after death? It's OK for them as can afford it.
Think it's all been snapped up, eh? There'll be nowt left but a few time-shares.
That'll be awkward.
All the best salesmen will be in the other place.
Why are you thinking about life after death? Are we boring you? I have this fear everybody will be terribly cheerful.
I hope you don't have to smile all the time.
Right, I think I'm ready.
I should hope so.
We've been here ten minutes.
You can't go leaping into these things.
You really think this will impress Nora Batty? Not this.
This is practice.
I'm going to get it so I can do it on thinner and thinner things until I can do it on a tightrope.
THAT is going to impress Nora Batty.
Ho, ho, ho! You on a tightrope? Well, that's going to impress ME.
How high will this tightrope be? Oh, nothing dangerous.
I thought I'd start with something reasonable.
Say aboutsix inches? Sounds dangerous to me.
I don't think Nora Batty's going to go all aflutter much below 30 feet.
I'll work me way up gradually.
Like you did with the rest of your life.
Tha can't be a failure like me overnight.
That takes years.
Right, I'm ready.
Now, stand back, stand back and don't knock the gate.
You see why I need a pole.
You're not meant to stick it in the ground.
You use YOUR pole, I'll use mine.
What would he do with Nora Batty if he ever got her? I think I'd sooner think about life after death.
CREAK! Aargh! Be careful, Barry.
It's only a blocked sink.
But it's your first blocked sink.
Other husbands do these things.
They've not got lovely soft hands.
Nor have I! They're just your average office worker's hands.
You make me sound like some big tulip.
You're MY big tulip.
Keep your voice down! The window's open.
Ouch! Oh, what have you done? Grazed me knuckle.
Oh, I knew you'd injure yourself.
You'll have to fetch me father.
I'm a failure in me own house.
You gave your knuckle for me, Barry.
Do you think he could give us a hand? .
.
Could you give us a hand? I'm critically injured.
I'm sitting next to death's door.
Could you give us a hand first and then sit there at death's door? An injured person must not move.
You take a lot of moving under any circumstances.
I bet it's your back.
It is, Norm.
It's me back.
All his life it's been his back.
Unbelievable.
A front like that and he complains of his back.
Well, that'll do.
At least it will stop any animals getting out.
I hate to be a fusspot, but it's going to stop US getting out.
We're at the wrong side.
How are WE going to get out? We'll climb over.
Well, you saw what happened to him.
Death's door! I've never been much of a climber since one Army sports day when I fell off Private Molesworth.
I'll hold it and you climb over, then you hold it for me.
The man's an organising genius.
You were at death's door.
It's me last gasp.
I'd like that in writing.
Very athletic.
Now, you hold it for me.
Mm-huh.
I used to be nimbler than this before the wear and tear of antisocial elements such as the former Mrs Truelove.
What will we do with HIM? Leave him! Oh, that's nice(!) Abandoning tha dying mate.
Who's gonna take down me last words? Promises, promises! Tha won't benefit from my will! Where's tha going? To the pub.
Feeling better, are we?! It's a miracle.
I tell thee - a miracle.
Tell me father to bring his tools.
It's only a grazed knuckle.
What's your father going to say? I don't care WHAT he says.
He's not the one to nurse you if it goes septic.
Off you go, then.
Where's my kiss? I'll only be a minute.
Not enough time to go septic.
Barry! Hey-up! It's him in that van.
What's he looking for out here? Probably not an audience.
He invites an audience, doing that.
What'll he find out here? The early Saxon settlement was down near Cooper Street.
The Saxons lived in Cooper Street? No wonder they were always fighting.
I'll tell you what's happened.
He's read his map wrong.
The least we can do is give him the benefit of our local knowledge.
What about the pub? We'll get around to that.
We'd better.
Otherwise, someone gets a prod with this poleright in their early Saxon settlement.
Aa-ii-ee! ENGINE CHUGS NOISILY Mr Pegden! .
.
Mr Pegden! MR PEGDEN! What happened to your arm, Barry? Oh, it's nothing.
The guttering was sagging.
I went upand you know where the T thing is? Well, it snapped off.
TURNS ENGINE OFF I FELL OFF THE ROOF! What were you doing on the roof? Er, checking the tiles.
Our Glenda let you up on a roof? She doesn't know.
Don't tell her.
She says can you come and bring your plumbing tools.
Course I can, after me road test.
Hop in.
Me?! I'll give you a lift.
I promised her I'd be back before I went septic.
You gave me such a shock, creeping up on people like that.
Your nerves are as elastic as a shoplifter's knickers! I could've had a heart attack.
Could have? I thought you DID have.
He's a good screamer.
.
.
Do it again.
Bog off! Oh, screams foreign languages, too! What were you doing with a metal detector, anyway? There's nothing up here.
It's not a metal detector.
It's an earthquake detector.
Looks like a metal detector.
I've adapted it, haven't I? For earthquakes? Yes.
What are you going to do if you find one? Is there much you can do? I'll issue a warning.
I'm going to be able to tell when one's coming.
(Don't hold your breath.
) Hey, where're you going? My clothes prop needs a drink.
Good idea! What about your earthquake? Sorry.
I can't be doing it every moment.
(Hey, what's he doing with a clothes prop?) He thinks I'VE got funny habits.
Hark at him! We could go in the van.
That's the least he can do if there's going to be an earthquake.
Good for my back.
What about his pole? It's illegal! I was Truly of the Yard.
I'll only allow anything illegal when rushing to the pub.
It needs a white cloth on it.
No problem.
Oh, put it away.
.
.
You can borrow mine.
I used to clean police boots with a cloth whiter than that.
Here.
What happened to you? It was nothing.
He fell off a roof.
That was very brave Stupid, but we're proud of you.
It was nothing.
You could've been a paratrooper.
He thought he was! .
.
What was tha doing on a roof? Falling off.
What's the pole for, Mr Simmonite? Balance.
That's what YOU needed.
- Do you lot want a lift, too? - We don't! She'll be all right in a minute.
She's a great little beast.
She's clapped out.
Reminds me strongly of the former Mrs Truelove.
She's a little goer, is this.
It's just a temporary hitch.
Well, you'd better get a move on because Lester here is expecting an earthquake.
Well, I wouldn't say expecting one.
It's just a possibility.
I don't know where our Glenda is.
I don't know where my Howard is.
That's normal for your Howard, but not for my Glenda.
Don't call the police unless you're sure your Howard'll be found somewhere respectable.
Tricky.
- Where did your Howard go? - He went off with them three.
- Oh, that's a bad idea for a start.
DOOR OPENS Here she is.
Where've you been? My Barry's missing! - Missing what? - Just missing.
Gone.
- Gone? He can't just go.
- Well, mine does.
It's not just him.
Me father's missing, too.
That explains it.
They've gone off somewhere together.
Without saying a word.
We're always the last to know.
They're just the opposite to homing pigeons.
Open the cage and they've gone.
At least mine leaves an oil trail.
My Barry may be going septic.
Not someone who likes classical music, surely? Even when you think you know, you never know where they really are.
Sometimes that's just as well.
I really ought to be getting back to Glenda's sinkroof! And miss all this technical wizardry?! He's some kind of muffin.
Not just some kind.
He's an advanced muffin.
We think he's got a tile missing and his roof leaks.
Barry's good with roofs.
Oh, I wouldn't say GOOD exactly.
He looks guilty to me.
Of what?! Give me time.
A policeman will think of something.
Well, we're all right round here.
We're safe enough for the moment.
You'll be pleased to hear that, Barry.
One fall a day's enough, eh? I ought to get back to Glenda's roofsink! What're you listening for, anyway? Earthquakes.
Tremors.
What do you expect to hear? The characteristic buzzing noise.
Your modern earthquake starts with a little buzzing noise.
It's the vibrations, you see.
Traffic, road drills.
Worst of all, bumble bees, mobile phones and electric razors.
Bumble bees with mobile phones(!) It's the electric razors, you see.
They've been the last straw.
Underground electric razors.
That's interesting.
Oh, not underground! The razors people shave with - they're causing it.
There's been a vast increase in earth tremors because of razors.
I keep telling people and nobody listens.
And I can see why! Electric razors? Certainly! The tremors go through your cheek, down your neck, down your legs, into the ground.
The ground is full of tremors from electric razors.
Don't look at me.
I use sandpaper or a sharp ferret.
Barry uses electric.
I hardly vibrate at all.
It wouldn't do in a building society.
He says it's earthquakes.
I think he's out here conniving with some woman.
He's picked a right spot.
Nothing much happens out here.
HORN BLARES Your father's made no provision in this car for avoiding birdwatchers.
How did you find a crackpot like him? Just lucky, I guess.
We think it's HIM.
Like comes to like.
He draws them like a magnet.
I notice THA'S still here.
After the former Mrs Truelove, I can handle it.
We ought to get back.
ALL: Relax, Barry! Hey, you thought I was barmy.
You did.
Admit it! All right.
And we STILL think tha's barmy.
Not that we don't like barmy.
Some of US are barmy.
Listen to this.
^ If there's going to be an earthquake, I ought to get back to Glenda's sink.
ALL: Relax, Barry! TYRES SQUEAL Gone! It's like the Marie Celeste - found drifting in the open sea with no signs of life.
Marie Celeste? That sounds more like a description of Smiler.
There ARE signs of life! Him over there with the prop - I'd recognise him anywhere.
I don't see Howard.
He was supposed to be with them.
Do we HAVE to use the Morse code? Yes, this way we can always be in secret contact with each other.
Couldn't we use a mobile phone? No! People can listen in.
Morse code's safer.
Safer, Howard.
Not a lot of funbut safer.
It's here! The epicentre's right here! Hey-up! It's Howard and Marina! You're under arrest, Howard.
What for?! Oh, sorry.
Force of habit when I see such a guilty expression.
A girl hardly knows what to say, surrounded by all these men! We're all friends.
You can lie to us.
What are you doing with that? I'm on a secret mission.
I'm not allowed to tell.
Are tha not allowed to tell Pearl? HOWARD: Good grief! She's with YOU! We thought you were the beginning of an earthquake.
I know the feeling! Say she's with you! There's a fiver in it! She's with me.
She's with him.
Is that true? Yes.
Oh, IS she? Come on! Where's Howard? Where is he? Where's Howard? He went that-away.
(After bribing us with £5!) I wouldn't put it like that.
We earned it.
We delayed her.
Howard looked like he believed there really WOULD be an earthquake.
Are we going for that drink? We could drink to Howard.
It's the decent thing to do.
.
Ah-hoo! Whoa-oa! She's in the hallway, she's heading for the door, reaching for the knob, the door is about to openNOW! What're you doing with my clothes prop? I'm practising my balancing skills.
I'm awfully nimble for a next-door neighbour! Suppose you fall and break something, like my clothes prop? Ze human fly does not fall! Ze human fly sticks like magic to ANY surface! It does to THAT surface.
That wall's wide enough to drive a lorry on it.
Make sure ze human fly puts my prop back when he's finished with it! Got tha heart beating, though, didn't it? Tha love life at risk on a high wall All right, a LOW wall.
Well, are you getting out? Why can't I come with you? Because you get bored and start looking at your watch.
It's not much of a watch to look at.
All your money goes on equipment.
Maud, I'm doing work of the highest scientific importance! So why do you have to do it alone? I don't trust you, Lester.
You're always sneaking off with some woman.
Always?! You caught me ONCE with some other woman.
Twenty-five years ago! Well, you'll be ready for another try.
Maud, have a walk around town.
Annoy some shopkeepers.
Enjoy yourself.
Just make sure YOU don't enjoy yourself! Goodbye, Maud.
Just remember who you're married to.
(Do she think I could ever forget?!) There's something magnetic about water.
But not to you.
I like water.
For paddling in with your wellies.
Well, that's what it's for.
It draws your eye.
When I was married, I'd often be found staring into water, thinking about the former Mrs Truelove and then realising she was too heavy to throw accurately.
Has tha got a clothes prop? Not on me.
A propelling pencil any good? I need a clothes prop.
Could we ask why? For balance.
Too late.
You're a very unbalanced person.
No need to have ordered a white van.
.
.
Excuse me, I'm looking for this.
And some happy knack has guided you to us.
Am I on the right road? Definitely.
He hasn't even looked.
The uncanny instincts of the poor.
Me mam were a witch.
SOUNDED like witch.
.
.
You're on the right road.
Turn left at the crossroads.
Thanks.
Oh, could I ask? Have you been hearing any rumblings round here? Funny, that.
His stomach.
He eats too much.
Whenever possible.
Mind, it might be psycho-cological, on account of the fact I'm in love.
No, BIG rumblings.
Like t'earth's moved.
Yes, that's him - his stomach.
Have a listen.
I think I'll pass, thanks.
I wish tha'd stop spreading rumours about my stomach.
Listen, your stomach spreads its own rumours.
I come from a musical family.
At school, you'd let people listen to it for a halfpenny.
Only the boys.
The girls were free.
Hey, Norm, has tha got a clothes prop? It's his latest obsession.
What happened to Nora Batty? Though I can see why he'd prefer a prop.
Surely tha missus had a clothes prop? She had a hat with fruit on it.
I didn't keep that.
Surely tha missus had a clothes prop? She had a hat with fruit on it.
I didn't keep that.
Psst! I can put you onto a good clothes prop.
Ignore him.
It's a trap.
He won't listen.
They're both quite barmy.
You know where there's a clothes prop? (Told you!) Yes.
Keeping it a secret, are we? Your mysterious, undercover clothes prop.
Before I reveal its whereabouts, I think we ought to do a bit of business first.
Business? Monkey business.
He's been at it all morning.
He's planning a breakout again and the warder will think I'm involved.
All a person who wants a clothes prop has to do is invite me out.
I'll show him where a clothes prop of exceptional quality can be found.
Sounds fair to me.
He'll disappear and then Pearl will blame me.
I won't disappear.
I just want some fresh air.
You see? He just wants some fresh air.
You'll believe anything, you.
I was a policeman.
The rule of thumb is never believe anything.
Is it far, this prop? Well, it's Let me think.
It's second on the left, then you take a right, then take a left Oh, no, it's not far.
Not far? It's nearly Manchester! And tha'll show us where it is before tha goes? Howard is a man of his word.
Ask Pearl.
Ask Pearl?! I don't know how you dare say that.
All right, it's a deal.
We'll take thee with us and you owe me one clothes prop.
It were here all the time! You made a deal.
For the hire of a bicycle for a few hours, that's outrageous! I could throw in a free puncture outfit.
You'd have to be daft or masculine to waste money like that.
I can see YOU know the value of 1d.
You can have it at the winter rate.
How much is that? Same as summer rate, but you get a waterproof hat.
No, no, no.
All right - thirty bob and he'll show you where to go.
Him? Does he know the area? Does he know the area?! Every inch of it like the back of his hand.
SMASH-SH! Do you ever wonder about life after death? It's OK for them as can afford it.
Think it's all been snapped up, eh? There'll be nowt left but a few time-shares.
That'll be awkward.
All the best salesmen will be in the other place.
Why are you thinking about life after death? Are we boring you? I have this fear everybody will be terribly cheerful.
I hope you don't have to smile all the time.
Right, I think I'm ready.
I should hope so.
We've been here ten minutes.
You can't go leaping into these things.
You really think this will impress Nora Batty? Not this.
This is practice.
I'm going to get it so I can do it on thinner and thinner things until I can do it on a tightrope.
THAT is going to impress Nora Batty.
Ho, ho, ho! You on a tightrope? Well, that's going to impress ME.
How high will this tightrope be? Oh, nothing dangerous.
I thought I'd start with something reasonable.
Say aboutsix inches? Sounds dangerous to me.
I don't think Nora Batty's going to go all aflutter much below 30 feet.
I'll work me way up gradually.
Like you did with the rest of your life.
Tha can't be a failure like me overnight.
That takes years.
Right, I'm ready.
Now, stand back, stand back and don't knock the gate.
You see why I need a pole.
You're not meant to stick it in the ground.
You use YOUR pole, I'll use mine.
What would he do with Nora Batty if he ever got her? I think I'd sooner think about life after death.
CREAK! Aargh! Be careful, Barry.
It's only a blocked sink.
But it's your first blocked sink.
Other husbands do these things.
They've not got lovely soft hands.
Nor have I! They're just your average office worker's hands.
You make me sound like some big tulip.
You're MY big tulip.
Keep your voice down! The window's open.
Ouch! Oh, what have you done? Grazed me knuckle.
Oh, I knew you'd injure yourself.
You'll have to fetch me father.
I'm a failure in me own house.
You gave your knuckle for me, Barry.
Do you think he could give us a hand? .
.
Could you give us a hand? I'm critically injured.
I'm sitting next to death's door.
Could you give us a hand first and then sit there at death's door? An injured person must not move.
You take a lot of moving under any circumstances.
I bet it's your back.
It is, Norm.
It's me back.
All his life it's been his back.
Unbelievable.
A front like that and he complains of his back.
Well, that'll do.
At least it will stop any animals getting out.
I hate to be a fusspot, but it's going to stop US getting out.
We're at the wrong side.
How are WE going to get out? We'll climb over.
Well, you saw what happened to him.
Death's door! I've never been much of a climber since one Army sports day when I fell off Private Molesworth.
I'll hold it and you climb over, then you hold it for me.
The man's an organising genius.
You were at death's door.
It's me last gasp.
I'd like that in writing.
Very athletic.
Now, you hold it for me.
Mm-huh.
I used to be nimbler than this before the wear and tear of antisocial elements such as the former Mrs Truelove.
What will we do with HIM? Leave him! Oh, that's nice(!) Abandoning tha dying mate.
Who's gonna take down me last words? Promises, promises! Tha won't benefit from my will! Where's tha going? To the pub.
Feeling better, are we?! It's a miracle.
I tell thee - a miracle.
Tell me father to bring his tools.
It's only a grazed knuckle.
What's your father going to say? I don't care WHAT he says.
He's not the one to nurse you if it goes septic.
Off you go, then.
Where's my kiss? I'll only be a minute.
Not enough time to go septic.
Barry! Hey-up! It's him in that van.
What's he looking for out here? Probably not an audience.
He invites an audience, doing that.
What'll he find out here? The early Saxon settlement was down near Cooper Street.
The Saxons lived in Cooper Street? No wonder they were always fighting.
I'll tell you what's happened.
He's read his map wrong.
The least we can do is give him the benefit of our local knowledge.
What about the pub? We'll get around to that.
We'd better.
Otherwise, someone gets a prod with this poleright in their early Saxon settlement.
Aa-ii-ee! ENGINE CHUGS NOISILY Mr Pegden! .
.
Mr Pegden! MR PEGDEN! What happened to your arm, Barry? Oh, it's nothing.
The guttering was sagging.
I went upand you know where the T thing is? Well, it snapped off.
TURNS ENGINE OFF I FELL OFF THE ROOF! What were you doing on the roof? Er, checking the tiles.
Our Glenda let you up on a roof? She doesn't know.
Don't tell her.
She says can you come and bring your plumbing tools.
Course I can, after me road test.
Hop in.
Me?! I'll give you a lift.
I promised her I'd be back before I went septic.
You gave me such a shock, creeping up on people like that.
Your nerves are as elastic as a shoplifter's knickers! I could've had a heart attack.
Could have? I thought you DID have.
He's a good screamer.
.
.
Do it again.
Bog off! Oh, screams foreign languages, too! What were you doing with a metal detector, anyway? There's nothing up here.
It's not a metal detector.
It's an earthquake detector.
Looks like a metal detector.
I've adapted it, haven't I? For earthquakes? Yes.
What are you going to do if you find one? Is there much you can do? I'll issue a warning.
I'm going to be able to tell when one's coming.
(Don't hold your breath.
) Hey, where're you going? My clothes prop needs a drink.
Good idea! What about your earthquake? Sorry.
I can't be doing it every moment.
(Hey, what's he doing with a clothes prop?) He thinks I'VE got funny habits.
Hark at him! We could go in the van.
That's the least he can do if there's going to be an earthquake.
Good for my back.
What about his pole? It's illegal! I was Truly of the Yard.
I'll only allow anything illegal when rushing to the pub.
It needs a white cloth on it.
No problem.
Oh, put it away.
.
.
You can borrow mine.
I used to clean police boots with a cloth whiter than that.
Here.
What happened to you? It was nothing.
He fell off a roof.
That was very brave Stupid, but we're proud of you.
It was nothing.
You could've been a paratrooper.
He thought he was! .
.
What was tha doing on a roof? Falling off.
What's the pole for, Mr Simmonite? Balance.
That's what YOU needed.
- Do you lot want a lift, too? - We don't! She'll be all right in a minute.
She's a great little beast.
She's clapped out.
Reminds me strongly of the former Mrs Truelove.
She's a little goer, is this.
It's just a temporary hitch.
Well, you'd better get a move on because Lester here is expecting an earthquake.
Well, I wouldn't say expecting one.
It's just a possibility.
I don't know where our Glenda is.
I don't know where my Howard is.
That's normal for your Howard, but not for my Glenda.
Don't call the police unless you're sure your Howard'll be found somewhere respectable.
Tricky.
- Where did your Howard go? - He went off with them three.
- Oh, that's a bad idea for a start.
DOOR OPENS Here she is.
Where've you been? My Barry's missing! - Missing what? - Just missing.
Gone.
- Gone? He can't just go.
- Well, mine does.
It's not just him.
Me father's missing, too.
That explains it.
They've gone off somewhere together.
Without saying a word.
We're always the last to know.
They're just the opposite to homing pigeons.
Open the cage and they've gone.
At least mine leaves an oil trail.
My Barry may be going septic.
Not someone who likes classical music, surely? Even when you think you know, you never know where they really are.
Sometimes that's just as well.
I really ought to be getting back to Glenda's sinkroof! And miss all this technical wizardry?! He's some kind of muffin.
Not just some kind.
He's an advanced muffin.
We think he's got a tile missing and his roof leaks.
Barry's good with roofs.
Oh, I wouldn't say GOOD exactly.
He looks guilty to me.
Of what?! Give me time.
A policeman will think of something.
Well, we're all right round here.
We're safe enough for the moment.
You'll be pleased to hear that, Barry.
One fall a day's enough, eh? I ought to get back to Glenda's roofsink! What're you listening for, anyway? Earthquakes.
Tremors.
What do you expect to hear? The characteristic buzzing noise.
Your modern earthquake starts with a little buzzing noise.
It's the vibrations, you see.
Traffic, road drills.
Worst of all, bumble bees, mobile phones and electric razors.
Bumble bees with mobile phones(!) It's the electric razors, you see.
They've been the last straw.
Underground electric razors.
That's interesting.
Oh, not underground! The razors people shave with - they're causing it.
There's been a vast increase in earth tremors because of razors.
I keep telling people and nobody listens.
And I can see why! Electric razors? Certainly! The tremors go through your cheek, down your neck, down your legs, into the ground.
The ground is full of tremors from electric razors.
Don't look at me.
I use sandpaper or a sharp ferret.
Barry uses electric.
I hardly vibrate at all.
It wouldn't do in a building society.
He says it's earthquakes.
I think he's out here conniving with some woman.
He's picked a right spot.
Nothing much happens out here.
HORN BLARES Your father's made no provision in this car for avoiding birdwatchers.
How did you find a crackpot like him? Just lucky, I guess.
We think it's HIM.
Like comes to like.
He draws them like a magnet.
I notice THA'S still here.
After the former Mrs Truelove, I can handle it.
We ought to get back.
ALL: Relax, Barry! Hey, you thought I was barmy.
You did.
Admit it! All right.
And we STILL think tha's barmy.
Not that we don't like barmy.
Some of US are barmy.
Listen to this.
^ If there's going to be an earthquake, I ought to get back to Glenda's sink.
ALL: Relax, Barry! TYRES SQUEAL Gone! It's like the Marie Celeste - found drifting in the open sea with no signs of life.
Marie Celeste? That sounds more like a description of Smiler.
There ARE signs of life! Him over there with the prop - I'd recognise him anywhere.
I don't see Howard.
He was supposed to be with them.
Do we HAVE to use the Morse code? Yes, this way we can always be in secret contact with each other.
Couldn't we use a mobile phone? No! People can listen in.
Morse code's safer.
Safer, Howard.
Not a lot of funbut safer.
It's here! The epicentre's right here! Hey-up! It's Howard and Marina! You're under arrest, Howard.
What for?! Oh, sorry.
Force of habit when I see such a guilty expression.
A girl hardly knows what to say, surrounded by all these men! We're all friends.
You can lie to us.
What are you doing with that? I'm on a secret mission.
I'm not allowed to tell.
Are tha not allowed to tell Pearl? HOWARD: Good grief! She's with YOU! We thought you were the beginning of an earthquake.
I know the feeling! Say she's with you! There's a fiver in it! She's with me.
She's with him.
Is that true? Yes.
Oh, IS she? Come on! Where's Howard? Where is he? Where's Howard? He went that-away.
(After bribing us with £5!) I wouldn't put it like that.
We earned it.
We delayed her.
Howard looked like he believed there really WOULD be an earthquake.
Are we going for that drink? We could drink to Howard.
It's the decent thing to do.