Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s22e04 Episode Script

Can I just summarise the situation here? We've just seen Billy Hardcastle disappear up a tree.
Yes, I noticed that.
Carrying what, to the casual observer, looked like a length of rope with him.
Length of rope.
Yes, saw that.
Heyoh, blooming heck! Don't you think we ought to enquire what his plans are? He seemed perfectly cheerful.
While climbing up a tree at his age? That could be construed as another bad sign.
How are you doing up that tree, Billy? I'm doing great apart from a bit of trouble with this damn great knot! Truly was wondering why you needed a great big knot, Billy.
To take the strain! A bloke can't go dangling from a thread! Dangling! I wish he hadn't said "dangling"! Clegg was wondering what you plan to do with that rope, Billy.
Do? I'm going to swing from it! I knew it! Don't do it, Billy! It can be dangerous! Ha ha ha! I laugh at danger! Or I would, if I could fix this chuffing knot! I'm going to swing to yon tree over there.
As performed by Errol Flynn in my favourite motion picture! Me and Errol Flynn! People have remarked on the resemblance! Wasn't he any good with knots, either? They both have a moustache and a taste for strong drink.
Ha! Geronimo! Ahhh! Oh! Oh! Oh! (Is she there?) She's gone back inside.
If she sees me, she feeds me! I'm being hand-reared by Mrs Batty! I'm dreading the thought of Christmas! You should refuse it! She's only being kind.
Not to me! She thinks I don't feed you! Hey! Morning, Mrs Batty! He's looking thin.
That's his natural shape! Are you sure you're feeding him properly? I'm feeding him fine! I hear your late husband was thin.
I'll admit to him being late, but I'm blessed if he was thin! Do you think he enjoyed his swinging from the trees? He seems quite excited about it.
Can't stand still.
How's it going, Billy? It's been better since I started breathing again.
- What's up with him? - A little tree trouble.
What kind of problem is tree trouble? Depends where you get it.
Where he's got it, it's a considerable problem.
We'd better give him a lift to town.
You two can ride in the back with the vending machine.
Vending machine? What vending machine? Whoops! I have to go, Barry.
There's a lot to do for the jumble sale.
Aren't you dressed yet? Why bother? The sun goes out in a few million years.
Everything'll go black.
There'll be only a handful can afford the electric.
Are you sulking because I slammed the car door? Such trifles no longer concern When did you slam the car door? You can't spend your day off sitting around in your dressing gown.
It's all there is left.
It's either this or take to the hills and fight for freedom with Mr Hardcastle.
I could be known as the Grey Wolf.
You've barely started going grey.
You should let me touch it up.
Anyway, what about golf? Ashes.
All my golfing dreams have gone to ashes.
I'll never dare to play golf again.
The captain hates me.
Why would he hate you, Barry? Just when he was about to play a difficult shot, I was watching and you called me on my mobile phone.
His ball went straight in the water.
If he's sulking, buy him another ball.
I'm an outlaw now.
Golfing tradition permits me to be killed on sight.
Can't you play tennis? And wear shorts? Why do you think golf's so popular? Where else can middle-aged men go to hide their legs? I'll have to go, Barry.
Get shaved.
You can't go to pieces over golf.
People do.
All the time.
When did you slam the car door? It's no use making a call from here.
You can't even get a dialling tone! At least it fell the right way up.
I wish I could say the same.
But has it survived the bump? Is it going to work? The same thought occurred to me.
Good job I've got this phenomenal constitution.
He really is like Errol Flynn! We'll soon find out if it works.
Who's got 30p? Don't look at me.
This is no time for diving in your pockets.
I lost all my small change while performing cartwheels recently.
Do we get it back if it doesn't work? Ooh, big spenders(!) You can't test it out here.
Don't you need electric? No, I've modified it.
It works off a gas cylinder and a battery.
It's a go-anywhere vending machine.
BUBBLING AND LOUD WHINE I knew it.
It's gone.
It's eaten my 30p.
LOUD RASPBERRY I get that.
It needs some liver salts.
PHRPRHRPPHHHRRHHT! Bet you never get it as bad as that.
There you go.
The perfect cuppa.
Cracked it.
I don't think we've got a good position for our stall, Barry.
We're too near a draughty door.
You're not still sitting there, unshaven?! I may never shave again.
I may get much more unseemly in personal habits.
Oh, Barry, there's more to life than golf.
In a few months, I shall probably be spitting in the street.
I shall let myself go.
I've been thinking about a few tattoos.
Barry - you're not being tattooed.
Although you do look dangerously male.
A lot like Marlon Brando in Streetcar Named Desire.
Shaving days are over, kiddo.
Know what I mean.
You are looking at Mr Anti-Social.
Barry, me mother's outside.
She's on her way in.
Ah.
You know, I do believe I've discovered something I could get quite interested in.
You discovered that a long time ago.
I believe I'm feeling the first stirrings of interest in the sport.
Start any more stirring round here and I'll confiscate your spoon.
Enjoy the jumble sale.
It's you that ought to be going.
Well, you've got more experience with old cast-offs than any of us.
He does that.
One minute he's there, the next he's I think he does it with mirrors.
DING-DONG! DING-DONG! The matter is now in the hands of my solicitor.
I've been advised not to enter any face-to-face arrangements.
It's me.
Barry.
Barry from the building society? Yes.
Come in, lad.
How did you know I was ready for a personal loan? Make yourself comfy, lad.
There's scarcely room to write a cheque in here, but I dare say we'll manage.
No, I'm not on business, Mr Simmonite.
I was looking for some advice.
As an employee of a building society, Barry, do you see any way of connecting that advice with, say, a personal loan? Not really, Mr Simmonite.
Oh, it's worth a try.
I must be slowing down.
Well, it's not surprising, really, considering how clogged I am with heavy-duty buns.
Nora Batty's been bunning me silly, Barry.
What can we do for you, lad? I were just wondering if your associate Mrs Avery still gave readings about the future.
On a confidential basis.
For a few selected clients.
She advises Tom Cruise, among others, and he hasn't done so bad, has he? I'll see if she can squeeze you in.
Oh, hello, petal, can you come down? Once you've finished your e-mail to Los Angeles.
Client wants a reading.
Wear your earrings.
Just needs fine tuning, that's all.
Don't we all? Is it hygienic, Wesley? Should be - I've blown through every tube.
Does it supply tea with or without, or are these crunchy little bits of rust compulsory? Fat-free, aren't they? Stand back, stand back.
WHIRRING GROANING Oh, ha ha! Oh, that's just the thing for an added attraction to the jumble sale stall this afternoon.
You see what a demand there is.
It'll never replace home cooking.
Nobody cooks these days.
They just watch it on television.
I'll deliver.
Where do you want it? Why do you ask? It jumps off before you get there.
But you'll be there to stop it this time.
I hate going to jumble sales.
I was once mistaken for the old clothes stall.
Only once? It's at the Church Hall.
For charity.
You'll be expected to put your hands in your pockets.
He's had his in ever since he swung from that tree.
They're still swinging through trees? Can't be natural.
They're not.
They're not natural.
Even their jackets button the wrong way.
I'll consider it as a field test.
Maybe that's where you should test it - in a field.
I see a tall, dark stranger.
Is he the captain? I can't tell you his rank.
It probably is the captain.
It could be the captain.
Yes.
I can see it now.
It's the captain.
Does he look angry? Oh yes.
He looks angry.
Oh, ye gods! Wait a minute.
He's looking more cheerful.
I think he's feeling better.
Yes.
The captain is feeling better.
Is there any indication why he's feeling better? I think he's feeling better because He's just stabbed you, Barry.
Oh, well, that's it, then.
Wonder what he used? Probably a number three iron.
No, wait.
It's not because he stabbed you, Barry.
You've done something.
Something that pleased him.
What? What? What can I have done? It'll come to you.
You've got to have faith in the stars, Barry.
Speaking of stars, can you get Tom Cruise's autograph for my Glenda? SQUEAK-SQUEAK! There we are.
Firstly, let me just say many thanks to you ladies for all your efforts here.
As you well know, they're always appreciated.
PRPHRTPHRTHPHHT! I'mI'm sure you'll all join me in welcoming our Mrs Endicott, who has kindly agreed to officially open our little event.
PHRPRHRPHTPHHT! Turn it off.
How do we turn it off? I don't know how we turn it off.
But we'd better find out.
So without more ado, I ask you to show your appreciation to Mrs Endicott.
PHPHPHRRPHPHRT! Good day to you, ladies and gentlemen.
It gives me great pleasure PHRPHTHPRHPHPHPHTHTHT! .
.
great pleasure to be here among you today.
As you all well know, the cause we are gathered here to support is a good one.
PHPHPT! RUMBLING It's doing it again.
Not as loud.
We're cracking it.
Pass me that spanner.
Hold that bit there.
It's hot! That's good.
It's supposed to be hot.
HIGH-PITCHED WAIL I think you're killing it.
I'm not staying here if it's going to be in pain.
PPHTPHRT! Me granny used to make noises like that.
Especially at Christmas.
You can see them, can't you? The family gathered round the tree.
Listening to granny.
PHPHPHPRT! I've never known a shorter jumble sale.
I'll kill that husband of mine.
Well, it turned out to be livelier than I'd anticipated.
Like him from Henderson Street? Ooh! Oh, not quite.
I had hoped to see the last of Barry's pyjamas.
Drink your coffee.
They'd become far too tight for his convenience.
We don't wish to know that.
I learned I'd sooner listen to that machine than Mrs Endicott.
She wears such weird hats.
Let's hope it's not catching.
What happened to Mr Endicott? Not a lot, I shouldn't think, or he wouldn't be with Mrs Endicott.
They say he stays home and treats his woodwork a lot.
Now, why didn't I think of that? I'll have to get home to my Barry.
He was feeling depressed.
He was talking about getting tattooed.
I hope you stopped that.
Not one member of this family has been tattooed.
And that includes your father.
Oh, I do occasionally see him without his oil stains.
Mother! Drink your coffee.
Be gentle with it.
It reminds him of his granny.
Only from certain angles.
He used to take kids home from school to listen to his granny.
A couple at a time.
I weren't running trips.
You never took me.
Well, you tinker with everything.
You'd have had her in pieces.
So where are we taking Billy's granny? I'm going to take it off somewhere and sell it.
Not round here.
There are too many stories circulating about its condition.
It's mended now.
She's as sweet as a bird.
That's the captain now, just starting a round.
How long are we going to stay here, Barry? I'm supposed to figure out something to please him.
It's in the stars.
You really think Mrs Avery mingles with Tom Cruise? Only by e-mail.
I'm not gullible, Glenda.
Oh, look! Look at the way the captain stands.
You can stand, Barry.
You can stand as well as anybody.
You know, Glenda, when he shouts at you, you can't help noticing he has this jawline and great teeth.
I've a good mind to go down there and sort him out.
Glenda! The man is a wonderful golfer.
Just a pain in the buttock as a human being.
Or else he wouldn't be mad with you, Barry.
Who could get mad with you? There's your mother for a start.
Hey up, lass, what're you doing here? Barry's pining for his golf.
Will you give us a warning before you stop next time, Wesley? I believe Billy's got a trouserful of warm tea.
Nagging.
They're always nagging.
Hot tea.
With sugar.
And you know he doesn't take sugar.
That's twice today I've felt me eyes water.
Is that that awful machine? She's not awful any more.
She's as sweet as a bird.
I've fixed her.
Works like a charm.
What is it? It's heavy.
It's a go-anywhere automatic vending machine.
Anywhere? Absolutely.
And he does mean anywhere.
Look where it just went.
Down me.
Would it go halfway round a golf course? Somewhere about the ninth hole? I've told you.
Anywhere.
This is it.
I could be the man who brought refreshment to tired players halfway round the course.
Keep it upright.
You'll spill everything.
This end's warm.
I know another end that's warm.
It's supposed to be warm.
People don't want cold drinks.
It's grand round here.
It's the kind of place Robin Hood would have been at home in.
Oh, Robin Hood was a golfer? Not many people know that.
What was his handicap? The Sheriff of Nottingham.
It's his kind of country.
The rough, I mean, not the poncy bits.
This'll do about here.
We can conceal it entirely.
No detriment to the appearance of the course.
Hey up.
Hello, Barry.
I didn't know you were in this business.
I'm not really.
It's just my gesture to the golf club.
Well done, lad.
I'll have a coffee, please.
And me.
Two coffees, please, Mr Pegden.
Doesn't sound like anybody's granny now.
What was your granny's problem? Me granddad, mostly.
The musical noises.
Oh, she had one of them orchestral stomachs they used to have in them days.
Probably treacle.
They used to eat copious amounts of treacle.
They were great believers in lining your stomach.
She was very keen chapel.
Which could over-stress your innards.
Along with underwear stiffer than hymn books.
Thanks.
Thanks, Barry.
That was great.
I'm proud of you, Mr Pegden.
You're right, she is sweet as a bird.
It's just a gift, lad.
It's going to surprise the captain.
I'll have to have words with the greenkeeper.
Do you see how we blend into the background? I think that says "Keep Out", Howard.
It only applies to people who have no business here.
What do you have in mind, Howard? We're just a couple looking for lost golf balls.
That's it? (There's a bonus!) Damn me! Auntie Wainwright'll pay us for every clean ball we find.
PHPHRPRHTHPRHTPRHTPHPRHHT! WHIRRING, CLANKING AND FLATULENT NOISES PHRPTHRPHTPRHTPRHPPHTRHT! You again! They're shooting at us! I think she's put a contract out! I don't know why they got so mad with Barry.
He's just given the golf course a new hole! Even I could hit that one! I thought Howard was moving well.
I hope he puts the kettle on.