Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s23e02 Episode Script

SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! - Where do you think you're going? - A bicycle needs a certain amount of exercise.
It's a well-known fact.
Yours gets enough exercise.
That's another well-known fact.
I didn't know where you'd gone.
I was worried.
You'd better be.
I've every intention of keeping you worried.
So, now you've found me, we'll go home, shall we? I was just going to suggest that.
Do you think God keeps an eye on everything? No.
That's Special Branch.
I thought it was her behind the curtains at number 23.
It's very difficult round here to get a serious conversation.
We've noticed that.
We think it's because we mostly meet idiots.
I expect they think the same.
We had one once - a serious conversation.
We did? You remember.
Him at the Feathers.
He was drunk.
But seriously drunk.
What did you talk about? His wife had left him and taken the Jack Russell.
He couldn't get over the sudden loneliness in his life.
He really missed that Jack Russell.
That's a terrible thing to do.
Going off with a bloke's Jack Russell.
Didn't he apply for custody? He had a better idea.
He went round in the night and whistled.
Didn't work.
All he got was a nasty bite.
His own Jack Russell bit him! Not his Jack Russell.
His wife.
Like I said it's not easy round here getting a serious conversation.
What were you wanting to talk seriously about, Billy? Sixth sense.
I think I've got one.
Pity about the other five.
Tell us more.
When did you first notice you'd got this sixth sense? I can always tell the wife's going to throw a wobbler.
She hits you with something.
That's later.
Sometimes I know when telephones are going to ring.
Trick is to know when they're going to stop, now everybody's got a mobile.
Sixth sense is that mysterious something that gives you a little warning.
Your bank manager.
Gives you a head start on danger.
That's what I've got.
It comes from being a direct descendent of Robin Hood.
Not from a tendency to exaggerate? It's your outlaw's instinct.
It's in the blood.
It's your gut feeling early warning system.
Oh! I've never done so much housework.
And it showed.
You're choosy, for somebody who used to live in an old bus.
Done that.
I've passed colourful squalor.
I'm into house beautiful now.
I thought I was looking for a good woman to do the housework.
When you find one, I'll move out.
I thought you were going to help me find one.
You can't rush these things.
We've got to get you ready.
Ready? This may come as a surprise to you, but for romantic purposes, you still need some work.
Oh, heck! More work.
It stands to reason.
A lifetime in the police service produces a stronger sixth sense.
Not stronger than someone whose ancestor was used to living on his nerves.
Your granddad lived on his nerves? I expect your granny saw to that.
You can't weigh fact against fantasy.
I WAS a policeman.
You only THINK you're a descendant of Robin Hood.
Only think? It's on me mother's side.
She was a Bristow.
Taught me to laugh at danger.
I've had it all researched.
Who by? A bloke in Huddersfield.
Specialist.
He puts thee under hypnosis.
Shouldn't you pop back and ask him to get you out? I am out.
What does he charge? £50.
He's a bigger bandit than you'll ever be! I sometimes wake up in the night itching for adventure.
Have you tried camomile lotion? It could be just too many blankets.
Maybe your missus is too warm.
There's no sign of it in her conversation.
Tell you what, Billy.
I'd back my sixth sense against yours any day.
Done.
You're on.
We need fruit juice, Barry.
Sure this is strong enough? She's no lightweight.
Don't be unkind.
She has a problem.
Aye, she eats all the time.
Isn't she up yet? She probably doesn't sleep well at nights.
She does all right in the morning.
You sure she wants to go? Of course! It was her idea.
Wouldn't she be happier staying in bed eating a pizza? Astrid is my best friend! You haven't seen her for 20 years.
All the more reason to show her a good time.
Visiting a stately home? It's cultural, Barry.
But we never visit stately homes.
Astrid would like to see the stately home, Barry.
Doesn't seem to be in all that much of a hurry.
Right.
This'll do here.
We'll see who's got the stronger sixth sense.
Stand by for a public announcement.
I am NOT going in the water.
Nobody's going in the water.
Especially you.
You'll be the judge.
As long as I'm not the judge in the water.
We'll be the ones at risk of going in the water.
We? You wanted to do this.
I'm not a water sort of person.
I'm a greenwood sort of person.
Nobody's going in the water.
We'll take turns.
You and me standing facing the water trying to guess when the other one's creeping up on us to push us in.
I'm not pushing anybody in, either.
You're not allowed to.
You're the judge.
You've got to be neutral.
Oh, I can do neutral.
Neutral's me.
Who's going first? It doesn't matter.
It matters to me if I finish up in't water.
If you've got a sixth sense, you won't get pushed in the water.
I can do that.
Right.
We put something in our ears to stop us hearing footsteps.
Yes - so we rely entirely on sixth sense.
What do we use to put in our ears? Look around.
Find something.
I'm not shoving any old rubbish in my ears.
If you were living in the greenwood you'd have all sorts of things in your ears.
Use your fingers.
The man's a genius.
And no cheating.
Go on.
I love it when you have to make up an excuse double quick.
Why are you carrying a bicycle? Oh! Am I carrying a bicycle? Just shows how absent-minded a person can get when his mind's busy with something.
I think that deserveseight out of ten.
Let's go again.
What's your mind busy with? Actually, I was thinking for a friend.
I promised I wouldn't discuss his problem with any third party.
Nimble.
Very nimble.
That's the one thing about marriage.
It's really sharpened your reflexes.
Get your bike inside, Howard.
SQUEAK! You're not bringing that squeak in! Take it somewhere and get it fixed.
I shall know, you know.
I don't have to hear a twig snap.
My nerves are tuned like a violin.
The minute you start moving towards me, I shall know! I wonder when his sixth sense will tell him we've gone to the pub? Maybe he'll work it out logically.
Good day to you.
Don't be alarmed when you hear the explosion.
Would you say you were naturally wicked or was it training? A little of both.
If I so much as hear a mouse in this vicinity, I shall pick it up.
I think I've got radar! How long's he been pining for a good woman? Since he got too old to pine for a bad one.
Hasn't he left it too late? They say it's never too late.
I think in your case you might be pushing it a bit.
Another face like a wet Wednesday.
Three cans of fruit juice, please, Ivy.
Barry.
We're going to a stately home.
With Glenda's best friend from school - once she gets up.
That'll be quite nice, visiting a stately home.
Not with Astrid it won't.
She's bone idle, weird and horrible.
Ah, but is she single, bone idle, weird and horrible? She's divorced.
Close enough.
Close enough for what? Which stately home are you going to, Barry? With this interesting, unattached Unfortunate.
.
.
third party? You dozy beggars.
Leaving me there, standing with me fingers in me ears! We remarked how well it suited you! You looked like a hat rack.
Like a direct descendant of somebody completely barmy.
Oh, now then! Here you go.
Tell me - you had one finger in this ear and one finger in the other ear.
Did they meet in the middle? You can tell he was a policeman.
They have a weird sense of humour.
How did you know that we'd gone? I sensed it, didn't I? The Hardcastle Early Warning System.
It's uncanny.
Here we go again.
I noticed thee chickened out.
We never saw you demonstrate YOUR sixth sense.
I'll show you a policeman's sixth sense.
Take somebody right to the edge of anger and pull back just when he begins to explode.
A technique used in police interrogations.
It's similar when you try and see a doctor.
Who's tha going to try it on? The landlord.
Do we really want to fall out with the landlord? Bad move.
I'll play him like a fish.
I'll start winding him up and then, just when he's going to explode, I'll lower him back again.
We'll end up the best of friends.
I'm sorry! Oh, dear, I'm sorry! And stay out! Especially him with all his mouth.
You've no sense of humour.
I had until you started taking the wee-wee.
You'll have to excuse him.
His mother kept him in frocks until he was 13.
I thought you were going to bring him round again once you made him mad enough? He never let me get to that part.
And I didn't wear a frock until I went undercover with the vice squad.
I hope it was thick cover.
Do they do size 12 in high heels? It was dark.
I could wear boots.
Sounds magic.
Several gentlemen offered me a good time.
It MUST have been dark.
I know it's a challenge, but could you make him more attractive to women? It should be easier going that way than trying to make him LESS.
Given that he needs a major refit, where do you propose we start? Possibly with something very expensive.
Not that expensive.
Attractive, but on a budget.
You want to be attractive only to cheap women? Don't answer that.
Something fairly formal.
He's going to a stately home to meet someone.
She's a visitor.
She doesn't own it.
I didn't think you'd be romantically entangled above your station.
I'm not sure what station that is.
Wherever it is, I think your trains were late.
Oh, be a little patient, Barry.
It's her that ought to be somebody's patient.
She's weird.
She's into alternative lifestyles.
CHANTING: Um ringay, um mo, um mo She is.
She's weird.
Be quiet.
She'll hear you.
Sitting there cross-legged, eyes closed, chanting a mantra.
She's communing with nature.
She's so fallen in love with these hills.
She's not got the figure for sitting cross-legged.
And with that hair, she'll be mistaken for a haystack.
Please keep your voice down! Don't blame me if somebody sticks a fork in her.
Now everybody's going to know.
We'll be known for encouraging alternative lifestyles.
People will look closely at what's planted in our hanging baskets.
Having problems, Barry? The only problem is over the wall.
Um ringay, um nay, um ringay, um nyom, um nay Never seen many of them in a field! I hope they never replace sheep.
She's a weird one, is that.
I told you.
She's not weird.
She's my friend Astrid and she's trying to become one with nature.
I think she's become quite a big one.
There's not much opportunity for doing that in a built-up area.
Sure she's not asleep? I've never known anybody sleep like Astrid.
She employs self-hypnosis as an aid to achieving inner calm.
The outer doesn't look all that excited.
Do you ever commune with nature, Cleggy? I used to go blackberrying but it turns your fingers purple.
Too much nature's risky if you don't want to go a funny colour.
Well, we're off.
My two retarded companions are in the middle of a challenge.
CHANTING Come on.
Stop hanging back.
Don't be shy.
I feel peculiar.
You look terrific.
Transformed.
A definite bird-puller.
How are we getting there? We'll get a lift.
I'm temporarily out of transport.
I don't feel like me.
You don't look like you.
It's a definite improvement.
NO SQUEAKING It squeaks when I wheel it away from the house.
It goes berserk.
You'd think I was strangling it.
If it squeaks when you wheel it out, why not when you wheel it in? It's uncanny, isn't it? I'm beginning to wonder if it's a psychic squeak.
Better get some psychic oil on it.
I've seldom met a quieter bicycle.
I know what it is.
It's because I don't feel guilty enough.
It squeaks when I'm sneaking away - when Pearl's there.
Well, you can show me.
She's here now.
He's got a mysterious squeak.
I know.
I've lived with it for 40 years.
It's not funny.
I think my bicycle may be haunted.
I'm not surprised.
It keeps taking you straight to some old witch.
I don't know what she means.
SQUEAK! SQUEAK! You'll be the judge, Clegg.
Did you ought to trust the judgement of a former lino salesman? I'm no good if it hasn't got corners.
We trust thee, Cleggy.
I'm touched.
Stop creeping round the judge! What if you collide and start bleeding? Worse than blackberrying! Nobody's going to collide.
A finely honed sixth sense will tell me when I'm approaching an obstacle.
We'll be operating on radar.
A lot like bats.
Bats.
That's a term that springs to mind.
Right, then.
Off we go.
What they doing? Don't ask.
Have they been drinking? Yes, but they're just as daft when they're sober.
How long have they been behaving like this? Oh, since they were about nine.
CRASH! I understand your husband's got a nasty squeak.
Oh, that sounds nasty! I wouldn't say nasty.
She's more what you'd call "gormless".
But I expect you mean his bicycle.
Oh, his bicycle.
Oh, that's a relief.
The thought of your Howard with a squeak was distinctly unsettling.
They do get squeaks.
I knew someone with a squeak.
You could hear it in his chest.
It must have been embarrassing in company.
We didn't go much for company.
One of THOSE sort of squeaks.
It didn't last.
We always had to go somewhere quiet and all I could think of was that damned squeak.
SILENCE He's worried about his missing squeak.
It's real, I tell you! It happens at the worst possible moments.
Well, maybe it's not your bicycle.
Maybe it's your knees or elbows.
Knees don't squeak.
I bet if our ears were down there, you'd hear 'em squeak.
Look at the size of him.
His ears ARE down there somewhere.
He thinks it's a psychic squeak.
I like it! The man with the mystical squeak.
It only happens when I'm trying to sneak out with me bicycle.
It gives the game away.
It'll be Pearl.
She's put a spell on it.
Do you think so? Mm.
Is that possible? Mm.
Well, what's the cure? You have to fight witchcraft with witchcraft.
If that doesn't work, you'll have to burn your bicycle at the stake.
Just don't bring it round to my place.
I'm not performing exorcism on a bicycle.
But he can.
He's done it before.
He can? He's joking, Howard.
Nonsense, Howard.
He's just being modest.
This man, Howard, is famous in occult circles for the curse he achieved on a rabid Nissan Primera.
It used to foam at the radiator.
It was his first breakthrough in Japanese.
He once cured an old vacuum cleaner for me.
It used to snap at people's ankles.
The only thing I've never been able to cure is this lot! ASTRID BABBLES DRUNKENLY Hey-hey! It's lovely! Why did you let her get in this condition? I didn't! It was the wine tasting.
I didn't know she kept popping back.
I thought she was looking at the Old Masters.
She never used to drink.
She was 12 years old then.
I can't take her home like that.
You know what the neighbours are like.
Where are we going to take her? Think of something! If I had my way, I'd leave her in a skip somewhere.
How long have you had this brutal streak? Since Wednesday, when she arrived.
Hey up, Glenda, Barry.
We hoped we'd catch you here.
I didn't know Smiler had a respectable twin brother.
It IS Smiler! Who did the renovation? I am changing him into a romantic force to be reckoned with.
He wanted to meet Astrid.
Meet her? He can have her.
Barry! Hello.
I don't want to meet her.
If she's a drinker, she'll be too expensive.
Have you thought about a personal loan? Eh? If you want to meet her, we can take her to your place.
I told you I could pull the birds.
Not only pull 'em - they deliver! I'll stay with her until she gets sober, then we can take her home.
You can give us a lift.
You'll have to sit on Astrid.
They can straighten her up.
She can sit between them.
If you ask me, the best thing is if somebody sits on Astrid.
Hello, handsome.
Tell her I don't always look like this.
I'm usually scruffy.
To be absolutely fair, he really is.
You can't take her to my place! I daren't let me mother see her in this condition.
Or even hear about it.
Where can we take her? - Truly lives alone.
- Wouldn't be proper.
Norman Clegg lives alone.
Same thing.
It wouldn't be proper.
It would if she had a chaperone.
What happens next? That's a good question, Howard.
What happens next is, Clegg will provide the spells if you provide the ale.
I have to buy the beer? It's your bicycle.
It's traditional.
These spells don't work without a toast to the spirits.
A large one.
They don't come cheap, these psychic squeaks.
You should worry about the ale.
I've had to provide the wings of the bat and the snakeskin found by moonlight.
I don't believe a word of this.
It's all rubbish.
Howard! Just be careful about doubting the spirits.
Once you've started this ceremony, you'll be amazed what can happen.
KNOCK ON DOOR I'll get it.
It's Barry.
I've got a drunken woman and Marina outside.
Can I bring 'em in? Tell 'em I'm sorry I doubted.
No offence intended.
Is Howard in there? Hello, precious.
Don't "precious" me! What are you doing in there? I'm just having my bicycle mended.
That's the worst damned excuse you've ever made.
Get on home!