Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s24e03 Episode Script

I wish somebody would find the wife's sister attractive and set up home with her in a far distant land.
Liverpool? Farther than that.
Very close, are they, your wife and her sister? It's not only a blood relationship.
They're joined even closer by a common bond.
Suspicion of me.
I see.
The blood in the relationship is usually yours.
Attractive, is she, your wife's sister? Well, the wife's more appealing.
And that's not something I can often brag about.
I had one of those.
What are you looking for? I think I'm being followed.
By your wife and her sister? No, they're happy at home sticking pins into models of me.
What have you been up to? Me? Nothing.
Don't lie to me, lad.
Why do you think I'm lying? I don't think you're lying.
It's just something we get used to saying in the police force.
Now, what have you been lying about? Good morning, Howard.
I'm glad you think so.
You could easily be mistaken for somebody looking miserable this morning, Howard.
Cleggy, do you think love should be difficult? Hah! Well, I always found it so.
I never knew what to wear.
I consulted a text book, but there was no guidance on whether vests should be worn on honeymoon.
I'm depressed.
We have to admire the way you're bravely trying to hide it.
I think Pearl's stopped loving me.
Are we talking about Pearl next door? Your wife, for example? Of course that's who we're talking about.
Has she said something? She doesn't have to say anything.
I'm picking up signals.
I've had to clean my own shoes all week.
And then this morning at breakfast she gave me only ONE fried tomato.
She might as well have thrust a dagger through me.
You mean, the bacon was there? The fried potatoes were there? The beans were there, the egg was there? It was just the one fried tomato? I've always had TWO fried tomatoes.
You're not telling me that she's not telling me something.
She's been telling you something for 40 years.
I hear it through the walls.
That's just being married.
This is serious.
It's not just the missing tomato.
There'sthe OTHER thing.
I can tell you in confidence, Cleggy.
She always used to warm my pyjamas.
Every night in the airing cupboard.
Stop right there, Howard.
I don't want any more details.
I think she's gone off me.
Have you asked her? You can't ask people personal questions.
Not when you're married.
I can't suddenly start asking her if she still loves me.
She'd think I was up to something.
And that's another thing.
I'm not sure that(Marina) is always faithful to me.
I think, if some millionaire came along with a flash car, she'd be off.
You're right to be depressed, Howard.
You're right, yes.
Wife AND girlfriend giving trouble.
Mm, mm, mm! Get a budgie, Howard.
Get something you can lavish your affection on and still get your pyjamas warmed.
A budgie?! Oh, Barry, you've got that faraway look in your eye.
I know what dreamers you men are.
Tell me you're not going to sail across the Atlantic in an open boat or something.
I'm not.
My blazer's at the cleaners.
And, anyway, I get seasick.
Promise me you'll always get seasick.
I can't be doing with anything that shakes you about.
Your mother's driving, for instance.
Stay at home with me, Barry.
You'll be safe on stormy nights.
I will stay at home with you.
I've got no intention of going anywhere.
Then, what were you thinking about - with that "thirsting for new experience" look in your eyes? The firm's dance.
I've decided, Glenda.
This year I'm goingblack tie.
Oh, Barry! I'll have to buy a long dress.
Get one.
This year, we're going in style.
If you see a small, dark cloud, it's probably Howard.
Howard is depressed.
He gets himself into situations where he deserves to be depressed.
Why is he depressed? He thinks Pearl doesn't love him any more.
Sounds reasonable.
What's he keep stopping for? He thinks he's being followed.
It's not the Queen's enemies or the Sheriff of Nottingham(?) This is real.
What have you been up to, Billy? First thing I enquired.
Just because you think you're being followed, everybody thinks you're up to something.
He IS being followed.
This nose didn't descend from Robin Hood for nothing.
You don't think it is the Sheriff of Nottingham? Do you know this fellow who's following? It's Mervyn.
He's harmless.
He's a big fan.
Well, give us a hint.
Who's he a fan of? Me.
On account of me being a direct descendant of Robin Hood.
What does he want? He just wants to be close to me.
What kind of rubbish have you been filling his head with? I can't remember exactly.
You know how it is when you've had a few.
Oh! REAL rubbish.
Like a challenge, do we? We'll sell anything with big commission.
Getting a big commission here IS a challenge! Now, it has to be understood, if you don't sell them I want them back in identical good condition.
My transport manager here accepts full responsibility for goods placed under our care.
How come it's MY responsibility? Because you're ready for it.
I'm training you for when we move up into executive circles.
I bet I'm still pushing the handcart.
Now, you have to understand some of these items are of great sentimental value.
You needn't look like that.
It's true.
When they've been unsold for so long, I worry about them at nights.
They're in safe hands.
He's never lost a thing.
His wife left him.
Ah, yes.
Well, I am training him how to handle the ladies better too.
My word, you do like a challenge.
Are you having any luck? He's coming on.
Next thing you know, he'll be a right old smoothie.
.
.
Give her the demonstration.
What, now? Go on! Sweep her off her feet.
Enchanted to make your acquaintance.
LOUD SQUEAKING That reminds me.
I must get a new plunger for my bathroom sink.
Have you been invaded zoologically? What are you fidgeting for? This ground's harder than it usually is.
Do you think Yorkshire's harder on Tuesday? Well, THIS bit is.
Actually, it's not so much the ground, it's him.
He's harmless.
Are you sure? As far as I can remember.
I mean, look at him.
He looks harmless.
They said that about the Fulham Flogger.
Well, why is he staring at us like some person who is carrying a concealed hatchet? He's not your hatchet sort of person.
He's a fan of mine, I told you.
Gives you some indication of his state of mind.
Where did you meet Mervyn and his hatchet? We were in the pub.
You know how it is, you get talking.
We know how YOU get talking.
What did you tell him? Well, I may have got carried away a bit.
I'd had a few.
Oh, that's a surprise(!) I suppose I might have exaggerated a bit.
It has been known.
Exaggerated what? Things.
Tha' knows.
About our gang.
Our gang?! Robin Hood's gang.
The Merry Men.
Go on.
Well it's possible I left him with the impression that we are the last survivors of The Merry Men.
We? When you say "we"? Well, I didn't overdo it.
I told him there's only the three of us.
How do, Barry? Buying a new suit? Well, not exactly a suit, Mr Hardcastle.
Just something for a special occasion.
I never had a special occasion.
You got married, didn't you? Oh, was that it? What special occasion, Barry? Not that we intend to be nosey.
The firm's annual dance.
That's all.
Oh, I expect they have one every year.
Yes, they do.
Normally, I just go in a suit.
Actually, it's a dress suit.
Well, dinner jacket.
I thought, "Go on, your granny would have been proud.
" Does Glenda know? Yes.
I thought she'd be one of the few to know.
I didn't realise it would attract all this attention.
Your secret is safe with us, Barry.
Tha' can rely on the integrity of the last three survivors Why is that person watching? Probably heard about the dinner jacket.
It's time we had a talk.
About what? About us.
Us us? You and me? Well, yes, that's a fair description of us.
Well, go on, then, talk.
I can't wait.
Well, it's not easy out here in the street.
I wanted to talk to you at home.
But you insisted on going shopping.
I have to go shopping.
I've no sooner got stuff in the house than you've eaten it.
It's like keeping a pony.
Well, that's where we are, you see.
You prefer going shopping to talking seriously to me.
I don't hear you talking seriously.
I just hear excuses.
Who can talk seriously to you? Well, when did you last try? I think it were day two of our honeymoon.
Look, stop walking and look at me.
Is that your best offer? There you go, you see.
You don't look at me as if I make your heart beat faster.
I think the magic's gone.
What's brought this on? I've got the message.
One fried tomato this morning.
Why do you think I'm going shopping?! OhOK.
OK.
Why have you stopped warming my jammies? Because it's midsummer, you lunatic! Ours feels like it's the only bed with a fitted back boiler.
She thinks I give off too much heat! I'd say that means I'm coming across pretty good after all those married years.
OK! How about thisbabe? We do a quick shop and then we go home and fool around.
All right you win.
I'll warm your pyjamas.
Who is he? You've heard of these groupies.
Well, he's a fan of Billy's.
Huh! Takes one to know one.
He's got a hatchet.
He hasn't got a hatchet.
How many places could HE conceal a hatchet? Well, there goes any lingering desire for a sticky bun.
Why is he a fan of Billy's, anyway? He's a barmpot.
Billy's been bragging again.
I suppose I might have gilded the lily a bit.
Hey, you can't bring that lot in here! We can't leave 'em on the handcart.
They'll get nicked.
Big demand for cuckoo clocks and musical boxes, is there? We'll create one.
Guess who the cuckoo is who's pushing the cart! Stop complaining.
I want to hear more "sophisticated smoothy".
Cary Grant is alive and well and pushing a handcart(!) He's getting great at kissing hands.
Only the ladies.
NOT in here! Who's that fella peering in? He's a fan of Billy's.
Sounds promising.
If he's that impressionable, he'll probably buy a clock.
Here, get your cups of tea and be gone.
And take that lot with you.
They'll not be any trouble.
Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Come on, Mervyn! And bring your hatchet.
I-I-I'm sorry.
I never thought to bring a hatchet.
It's very kind of you, Auntie Roz.
It's a beautiful dress.
Well, you might as well get a bit of wear out of them.
You've had your wear all right.
I can't wait to see my Barry in a dinner jacket.
Oh, I'm sure he'll look very smart.
Where's he getting a dinner jacket from? He's bought one.
Why did he want to throw his money away like that? He could have borrowed your father's.
Wesley? In advanced tailoring?! It was a special social occasion.
When? When he was chairman of his motoring club.
He's not always been scruffy, you know.
He's nearly always been scruffy.
It must have been more traumatic for him than an organ transplant.
It's true.
It's a wonder his immune system didn't reject it.
Mr Hardcastle made it sound so interesting.
When Mr Hardcastle's had a few, he always makes it sound interesting.
Would that be a still-standing-few Billy or the collapsible legs version? Just the nominal amount appropriate to a gentleman.
As much as that(?) He said it were all very secret and that you had to pretend the organisation didn't exist.
Well, nobody's ever heard of it, have they? We did a good job there.
Did he tell you what else we get up to in thissecret world of ours? Oh, yes.
Just hints, of course.
But I got the impression you were always practising your skills with swords and bows, and constantly laughing at danger.
Of course, I understand that you have to keep it all very hush-hush.
We could do with a bit more hush round here.
Well, he clearly made a big impression on you, Mervyn.
Any signed photographs? Give us a break! Incidentally, Mr Hardcastle, the vicar jumped at your kind offer.
Offer? To give a demonstration at t'garden party.
Garden party? I thought it were very generous of him.
And so did t'vicar.
And so do we, Billy.
Can't tell you how much we're looking forward to it.
Wonderful to let people see Mr Hardcastle's skill with t'bow and arrow.
Not only on foot, but whilst moving at the speed of a galloping horse.
Hooray! Tha's never going to belong, Mervyn, if all tha's going to do is blab.
This lad's really pushing at the boundaries of natty gents wear.
Buying more gear, Barry? I'm taking it back.
I've got to wear her father's.
Wesley's got a dinner jacket?! He's only worn it once.
Just like his overalls.
He wears them once - till they fall apart.
It's in perfect condition.
Wesley in a dinner suit.
Even once! Hah! Did he wear it on top of or under his overalls? Well, of course the magic's gone.
When was the last time you bought her anything? If you want advice on romantic, ask him.
Him?! He's in the middle of an intensive course.
You should kiss her hand.
That was Plan A.
Plan B is he should buy her something.
Have we done Plan B? MUSICAL BOX TINKLES "Ballerina" It's like liquid honey to the ears.
And just think, Howard, every time she listens to it, who's she going to be thinking of? Mister Wonderful.
I'll do it.
You'll never regret it.
Now, one for Marina.
For Marina? If she hears that you've been buying things for Pearl, you're going to start leaking magic there as well.
How's she going to hear? It's Smiler.
Lovely bloke, but such a blabbermouth.
I can't be seen carrying two.
You take this fine example of Swiss craftsmanship for Marina.
We'll give you time to get home, then we'll deliver the musical box for Pearl.
Great.
All part of the service.
I still can't remember doing Plan B.
Don't worry about it.
About time.
What kept you? How did you get it in here? Because people are always leaving gates open.
It saw this one open and in it went.
Well, I've had some funny experiences in motor vehicles, but not one like that.
When she says come for a spin, she really means a spin.
I kept thinking, "If we're going to die, I'm glad Barry took that dinner suit back.
" Me, I was wondering who's going to warm Howard's pyjamas.
Are you going to get us out, or are you just going to stand there? Leave the car like that.
You're safer.
At least not much else can happen.
It's an arrow.
Whose arrow? Oh, I hope it's not Cupid's.
At my time of life, you can't be doing with all that lot again.
Did anybody see where that went? You've given me a puncture, you big, long dollop! If you don't mind me saying, missus, it's a funny place to park a car.
Excuse him.
He's practising for his exhibition.
Well, he's built for making an exhibition of himself.
There seems to be a note of criticism here.
I've noticed that.
I wish to make it clear that HE is a barmpot, and we are justlending our support.
Hey up.
A Land Rover.
That's what I need.
Shooting from a moving vehicle at the speed of a galloping horse.
Nobody said there had to be a horse.
What you'll do first is mend my puncture.
Do you think he's any good at punctures? Makes them quite nicely.
Mervyn would have been proud.
Mm.
Oh, Howard, it's lovely.
Ssh! I thought I heard a vehicle coming.
Way out here? Listen.
It IS.
It's TWO vehicles.
They'll never see us if we keep quiet.
Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Now, this demonstration represents the firing of a bow while in motion.
Of course, in Robin Hood's day he'd have been on a horse.
Did anybody hear a cuckoo back there? I can hear the cuckoo here.
Are you familiar with the longbow, ladies? Well, there's no knowing what SOME are familiar with.
It didn't extend to medieval weaponry.
Oh, I don't know, though.
She'll penetrate your fully-armoured knight, will this.
It'll be very useful round here.
I'm sure it were a cuckoo.
I hope we're not long.
I've got to fit my Barry into Father's dinner suit.
Are you sure about this, Billy? A moving vehicle? No problem.
If they can do it from horseback, I can do it from here.
This'll teach you to go shooting your mouth off in pubs.
I didn't know he was going to tell his vicar.
Should a vicar listen to stories from a pub? Shouldn't he have the sense to know they probably came from some tiddly crackpot? Exactly.
Not only a crackpot, but gobby with it.
Are we ready? We're ready.
We're ready! Ready when you are.
Then let's be off.
I'll show 'em a thing or two.
There's something almost noble about a dipstick of such proportions.
You have to admire the lack of fear and other signs of intelligence.
Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! I told you.
Help! What did I get? You got a cuckoo.
Mervyn would be proud! Oh, dear.
This is Howard's for Pearl.
I'm terribly sorry.
It's Wesley's dinner suit.
Talk about mothballs! I can hardly breathe in there.
What are we going to do about Pearl's musical box? We'll have to get it mended.
It's bought and paid for.
Oh! What a shot! Oh! Help! Oh, it smells terrible.
I can cover it with some perfume.
Oh, nice(!) Can I borrow your earrings as well? It sounds like honey for the ears.
And every time you hear it, you'll be reminded of me.
TINKLING RUMBLE AND BELCH We'll cancel with the vicar.
We'll tell him you've been called away.
By voiceslittle whispering voices from the Green Wood.