Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s25e02 Episode Script

Excuse me! Is there anybody home? This is your captain speaking.
We're approaching some turbulence.
The house is on fire.
Oh, that's nice.
I'm leaving you, Howard.
I've had a better offer.
It's not a very good offer, but it's better than the one I've got.
What is it with you and this book? It's terrific.
He's so heroic.
Right up your street.
The adventures of El Lobo - The Wolf.
The Smiling Bandit and his struggles against the oppressors of his people.
But can he clean a good window? It could have been me if I'd been born in South America.
You can't do that kind of stuff here.
They'd laugh if you wore a sombrero.
See?! Woof-woof! We'll have none of that.
It's pay-back time! I must have worn two sets of tyres out trying to pin you down.
But today's the day! I was watching from up the hill with binoculars, I saw you arrive.
I know you're there.
Mr Simmonite.
Hey up.
All right.
Up front.
Cards on the table.
Here we are.
Face to face.
Let's get down to business.
You led me a right old chase, but I want your signature now on a few dotted lines.
You want me autograph? In several places.
That's ever so flattering, but I ought to warn you - we haven't actually made it in showbiz yet.
Waldo and me have only just started.
Crikey, I've heard of sudden fame, but this is really fast.
Fame? Ventriloquist act.
I'm beginning to think he's Polish or something.
Can we get down to business? Are you under the impression that I'm the Mr Simmonite who's normally to be found in this hut? I AM under that impression.
Are you saying you're not Mr Tom Simmonite? I can understand why - the resemblance is uncanny.
Resemblance? Between me and Mr Tom Simmonite of no fixed abode, who, some say, is inclined to be tricky.
That was probably me.
I'd give you his address, but I'd hate to feel responsible for sending you to him when there's a full moon.
Full moon? That fat white round thing.
I've always felt I could make a man happy.
Flower arranging.
I read one of the major weapons in the armoury of the perfect homemaker is a gift for flower arranging.
Sharlene, it's not flower arranging.
The choice of container is crucial.
The gifted homemaker matches her blooms to her vase.
There's no wonder your Italian went back to his wife.
He promised me he'd send me her recipe for spaghetti carbonara.
Men lie.
I don't care what you put in your container.
Hey up, hey up.
Can you hide this car? Tha nearly hid it yourself.
It almost went up my trouser leg.
There's room up there for a trailer.
This is a matter of urgency.
What do you want it hiding for? They're coming to take it back.
Your father had a telly like that.
They're so unreasonable! You scrape everything you can borrow to buy it.
Where do they expect you to get the money to pay it back? There must be a flaw in the argument somewhere, but you've convinced me.
That's because you'd believe anybody.
I find it's simpler to wait till the wife tells me what I believe.
I wish I could make the Repo Man believe.
He was at the door! Your father had a door like that, too.
How did you get away? I'm trying to convince him I'm not Tom Simmonite.
Oh, that's easy! I'd believe it.
Just passing through, are you, stranger? Ignore him.
So where are you with this "not being Tom Simmonite"? I've promised to bring him the real Tom Simmonite.
I've got to find a lookalike.
WE can find one of those.
You are looking at Truly of the Yard.
Finding people is my speciality.
Where are you going to find another like him? He doesn't have to be perfect.
Just a rough match.
Sounds like my marriage.
It could be yours for a small deposit.
Oh, no, I'm not buying.
I'm looking for a Mr Simmonite.
And you think he's under there? Oh, no, no.
I'm also looking for his car.
Well, when I say "his" car, I use the word loosely.
At the rate he's going, it could be his car in about 30 years.
What does this Mr Simmonite look like? I have my own suspicions, but he says he's not.
Who says he's not what? Mr Simmonite.
Swears blind he's not.
You're losing me.
No, well, I'm not losing him, though.
Not again.
I'm supposed to be meeting him later with the real Mr Simmonite.
I don't suppose you know the real Mr Simmonite? Simmonite? Um Never mind.
Don't strain yourself.
I'll sort it out.
They don't call me the Bloodhound for nothing.
I need a lookalike! There must be one somewhere.
It's possible.
It's amazing where your father got to on that old bike.
You think you can help me? Listen, let's have a few conditions here.
I don't believe in helping for nothing.
There are no free lunches.
You can tell he's descended from Robin Hood.
He's a total bandit.
He's got all those legs to support.
What ARE these conditions, Billy? I'm recruiting for the Merry Men.
I thought you'd got one.
One? What good's one? Anyway, he went home when he got stung.
By you! Stinging him for an entrance fee.
It goes towards the uniforms.
I'm not wearing a uniform.
Tha'll be safe in t'greenwood.
We all protect each other.
Each other.
There's only you! There's me and him now.
That's not enough to fill a greenwood, is it? You need three more to fill a greenhouse! Robin Hood and his Merry Man living in the greenwood.
We don't live in the greenwood.
We don't do a night shift.
We have to adjust to modern conditions.
- More than you can say for this bun.
- You what?! How did she hear that? I think it's witchcraft.
What's wrong with these buns? That's a solid bun.
That is a reliable bun.
You don't get a nervous stomach after a bun like that.
Two of those and you don't need a tranquilliser.
Delicious buns! Hands up all those who think these are delicious buns! We tell everybody.
Tell him.
Comes back here after all those years down south to the detriment of his digestive system.
A momentary lapse of judgment on the part of certain taste buds normally associated with delicious buns.
I-I blame the police canteen for excessive use of vanilla essence.
Lost his taste for an honest bun.
Worse than that - he wears fancy boxer shorts.
They were in the sale.
It's a good job your mother went when she did.
You weren't always this way.
I remember you behind the sports pavilion wrestling with Denny Hodgeson.
Just remember who won.
Where did you find this golden tongue? In the police force? Not only short of a lookalike, I had to leave half a bun! It was a pleasure leaving mine.
If tha father was here, he'd never have left half a bun.
Was he a big eater, then? Only at meal times.
Oh! And sometimes between meals.
What's your Howard wearing? He looks like a funny Mexican.
He does in a certain light.
I saw his reflection once and thought, "You look like a funny Mexican.
" I knew a Frenchman once, but he smoked very heavily.
He was very careless with his ash.
A good job the marks didn't show.
Was he good looking? Yes, as far as you could see through the smoke.
Oh, that?! He's fallen in love with El Lobo, the Smiling Bandito.
Howard! He used to smoke.
Maybe I couldn't see too clearly either.
Yes, love? Well, where's your silly hat? Hat? Small pause while he runs through his list of handy excuses.
Well, come on, let's hear it.
Why were you wearing a silly hat? Yes.
It IS a silly hat.
And it fits because I've had a silly life.
No actionno heroics.
Well, it's going to stop.
I'm going to stop being the kind of person who wears a silly hat.
Ooh! Inclined to be touchy, these Mexicans.
Where do you think you're going? Do not presume to question El Lobo, the Smiling Bandito! Did he look like an Entwistle to you? Isn't that a Lancashire name? Probably explains it, then.
Hello, here he is again.
If he wants any money, tell him you don't speak English.
Isn't he the one who shouldn't be speaking English? Exactly! We'll confuse him.
You lads in the market for some ancient Eastern wisdom? What sort of ancient Eastern wisdom? Don't encourage him.
The experience of centuries, available as a guide to your life.
Advice on health, wealth, romance.
I also offer a first-rate service for any domestic electrical appliance.
The state that van's in, you're no great advert for ancient Eastern wisdom! There you go, you see, judging by appearances.
The Sage would say, "Appearances are but the smoke in the wind.
" That'll be 50p.
Each.
For what? For the ancient Eastern wisdom.
We haven't asked for any.
Too late.
You should've stopped me.
I'm not allowed to give it without somebody making a token offering to the spirits.
are but smoke in the wind.
I'm giving you group discount.
What's your name? It's on the van.
Electrical?! Entwistle.
Don't think I'm being nosy, er, just because I'm being nosy, but how come your name's Entwistle? I changed my name, didn't I? From McIntyre.
I kept being mistaken for a Scot.
What are you, then? A Yorkshireman.
What else? So where does all this ancient Eastern wisdom come from, then? Hull.
I was born in Hull.
As far East as you can get.
Any further, you're in the Humber.
El Lobo is merciless to those who mistreat their women.
You will release her, Senor.
Caramba! Is it so? You will face the marksmanship of El Lobo! Ha, ha, ha! I am the Hawk! Move back, varlet.
Nobody stands against the Hawk! Ha, ha, haOOH! I am El Lobo, the Smiling Bandito.
I tell thee, verily, Big Gob.
Those who survive will rue the day they met the Hawk.
Ha, ha! We've no noodles! Did I ask for noodles? What makes you think he wants noodles? Just a wild guess.
This is Entwistle.
He's from Hull.
Where did his father come from? Bridlington.
They said that Humber Bridge would make a difference.
We owe him a snack in exchange for some ancient Eastern wisdom.
From Hull.
What do you want? Bacon and eggs.
It's expensive, this ancient Eastern wisdom.
- Do you all want bacon and eggs? - With all that cholesterol? Course we do! You need it out on them hills.
Three bacon and eggs.
Oh, it's a big day for catering.
And beans and chips.
Sit him down before he gets any more ideas! Where did you find HIM? We've got a job for him.
He's going to be Tom Simmonite's look-alike.
Can you do inscrutable? I can do a great inscrutable.
Let's see, then.
Come out from behind the settee, Barry.
Turn round.
I won't turn round.
You're just being over-sensitive.
You look good in shorts.
They're going to laugh.
They're not going to laugh at you.
Everybody wears shorts these days.
And they make you want to laugh.
Barry, we have to take up SOME activity now you've given up golf.
I haven't - it's given ME up.
Come along.
You dressed properly for golf.
You can dress for hiking.
You can wear long trousers for golf.
Barry.
It's a different world now.
People take a pride in looking terrible in shorts.
I can tell you now with confidence - people won't laugh.
I'll give him credit.
He does a good inscrutable.
It's in the blood.
But how come NOODLES are not in the blood? That's the Chinese blood.
The inscrutable's in the Yorkshire blood.
Ah, I never knew that.
I wonder if we invented gunpowder.
Maybe Marco Polo only got as far as Cleckheaton.
The Chinese aren't inscrutable - they yak and jabber.
Yorkshiremen are inscrutable.
When did you discover that? When you try to sell them some ancient Eastern wisdom.
Talk about stone-faced.
Well, wherever it comes from, that's a very good inscrutable.
Never fails.
When I put the inscrutable on, ha-ha nothing moves it.
I told you! It was you, wasn't it? They don't have sombreros! You'd think a decent hat shop would carry sombreros.
It was you in the woods, wearing a silly hat.
Well, you were waving a silly stick.
That was quarter staff drill! Well, I wasn't wearing a silly hat.
I was wearing the best hat I could get for El Lobo.
El Lobo?! El Lobo - The Wolf.
The Smiling Bandito.
I do the Hawk.
Direct descendent of Robin Hood, on my mother's side.
She was a Bristow.
I just wish life had been more adventurous.
I know the feeling.
I'm going to MAKE it more adventurous.
Go for it! But get yourself a better hat.
We were supposed to be hiking, but my Barry won't wear shorts.
Quite right.
If knees were meant to be seen, they'd be nearer your ankles.
I do a hiker's breakfast, and if they can walk very far after that, I should like to see it.
I think they just go off for a zizz.
I can't do with anything that you can't do in high heels.
I expect you've explored most possibilities.
I never mean it, but it's too late by the time you realise you should have got out at the last stop.
I think I must have missed the bus.
Me too.
Except for the best out of three falls once with little Denny Hodgeson.
When was this? Drink your coffee! How long have you been going hiking? We haven't.
It was my idea, to get his mind off his failure at golf.
Mine's gone off looking for a sombrero, as worn by El Lobo, the Smiling Bandito.
Oh, didn't they make a film about that? Oh, he had lovely big brown eyes.
Oh, he was lovely, he was.
Well, you've had your share of brown eyes.
Who was that one from Huddersfield? How should I know? But I must've loved him a lot to cycle all the way to Huddersfield.
To look at Howard on our wedding photos, you'd never realise I were marrying El Lobo, the Smiling Bandito.
Cake, anyone? Why have we come to the allotments? Because there's a surprise waiting for you in your hut.
Not only have we found just what you're looking for, but we deliver.
You've found me a look-alike? Guaranteed to confuse the Repo Man.
And even you, for that matter.
Er, wait.
BELL CHIMES You're right.
It's uncanny.
I could be his double.
Could I have a word? He doesn't look like me! I think he was here first.
What you mean is, YOU don't look like HIM.
We don't look like each other.
Why would you say that? He's Chinese! You can't deny him the right to look like you just because he's Chinese.
That's racist.
He's older than me.
Ageist.
He doesn't look like anybody that calls themselves Simmonite.
There was an Emperor Simmonite.
Had 400 concubines.
You see where your father was coming from? You've brought him to the right place.
There's nobody else for miles equipped for turning people into Mexicans.
Oh, aye.
He wants to know - how much are the boots with the silver spurs? Get them on his feet! What kind of smiling bandit goes around worrying about money? What else have you got in that costume department? By sheer coincidence, just what you're looking for.
You don't KNOW what I'm looking for.
Try me.
Have you got anything for the Hawk, a tall, legendary figure, with room for a thermal vest? The Hawk I'm sure I had something last Monday.
I remember thinking, "Just the thing for the Hawk.
" What is it? I can't remember off-hand.
I'll know it when I see it.
He says the boots are a bit too small.
The boots are what they are.
If his feet are too big, I can't be responsible.
Tell him to walk about a bit.
He says the hat's too big as well.
Tell him never.
Mexicans are famous for big hats.
Here we go.
This is him now.
He looks like somebody who knows how to collect money.
Don't let me give him any money.
The fellow that belongs to the hut there - er, you don't know of any other Simmonites, do you? There was an Emperor Simmonite.
Had 400 porcupines.
Not going to the hut, are you? Oh, aye, I've got some business with the owner.
With Simmonite? Aye.
What? Should we warn him? Why do I need warning? You develop a hide like a rhino in this game.
I am immune to personal suggestions.
Maybe he'll be all right.
If he doesn't wander into tricky territory.
What tricky territory? With Simmonite, lots of things are tricky territory.
Especially his pride.
He once threw a pub bouncer straight over a van.
Did he say what for? For questioning his Yorkshire roots.
It wasn't a LARGE van.
But it was travelling pretty fast.
Oh, I'm not a beginner in this job.
I've been doing it for years! Pubbouncer? Big fella.
Works for Mothercare now.
I've heard he's getting better.
But he still can't sleep without a light on.
Why not come and introduce me, and leave when we get down to personal details? Fine.
You'll be OK if you don't offend his pride.
What's he so proud about? Being a Yorkshireman.
Oh, one of them, is he?! What kind of funny phone call? "This is El Lobo," it said.
"The Smiling Bandito.
" Sounds Italian.
Are they veryyou know demanding? You'll need plenty of olive oil.
Is that the best you can offer? Get to the bathroom first.
He'll be longer than you.
I thought it was going to be one of those FUNNY phone calls.
I nearly didn't agree to meet him! I thought the other one was the real Mr Simmonite.
People do.
I've been after him for yonks.
I like a happy ending.
Gentleman to see you, Mr Simmonite.
How do, lad? Tha's just in time for a bit of ancient Hull Fish Docks Wisdom.
How did tha know I was having a sale? Remember - don't start querying his Yorkshire credentials.
Remember - compared to him, Sean Connery is a lady from Wimbledon.
Little Denny Hodgeson! You don't REALLY wear fancy boxer shorts, do you? They were in the sale! I thought El Lobo was the SMILING Bandito.