Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s25e04 Episode Script
206 - Happy Birthday Robin Hood
What do you think about birthdays? I think I've had too many of 'em.
I mean, what do you think of other people's birthdays? Oh, I can stand them! Cos it's, er, it's mine tomorrow.
Oooh! Happy Don't start.
I don't want any fuss.
I hate all that.
They used to be harmless.
Nobody really bothered, but now it's like a circus.
You don't want balloons? Excuse me while I go and up-chuck behind that bush.
All right - no balloons.
No, I I thought we might have a meal.
Just you and me.
Somewhere nice.
I don't want anyone else to hear a squeak about birthdays.
An undercover birthday.
Fine by me.
Hey.
Don't hang about out there.
People will see you.
Hang about? If I'd come in faster, I'd have taken the paint off your door.
There is no-one out there.
They give that impression, but they can be at windows.
What are they going to see? See? You're joking.
They're going to see that terrible betrayer of secrets - the best suit.
And, ah, they'll want to know why.
Don't tell 'em.
Round here you get grilled by experts.
One tactic for these occasions is to lie.
I'll guide you through.
Lie? You know - sometimes called "giving evidence".
Look, maybe if we went there all scruffy and then got changed there.
Norman.
Happy Birthday.
Relax.
You haven't told anybody? Only the kiss-a-gram girl.
.
.
Oh, joking, joking.
Loosen your collar.
Get some air.
They used to come once a year.
Now it seems like every week.
Don't get paranoid.
It's just a birthday.
Let's hope it stays a nice, quiet birthday.
Oh, by the way, I've, er, noticed that you haven't asked me how old I am.
Well, I may have a go at pulling your leg but I'm not a sadist.
I can't remember what it's like NOT to have a bus pass.
Time passes quickly when you're older.
I could do with 36 hours a day.
Mostly sleeping.
Well, anyway How do I look? As if it's your birthday.
Will you be in this mood all day? I never know.
Check in later.
I mean, it looks like a best suit.
It's fatal.
It's a dead giveaway.
It looks like an old best suit.
Phew! I suppose I ought to be grateful for small mercies.
Come on.
Let's get you somewhere where you'll be less twitchy.
Make sure there's nobody outside, eh? There's no-one.
All right.
Off we go then.
And if they catch us, then don't say anything about birthdays, or they'll smother me in confetti.
There you are, you see? You're looking on the bright side already.
You could have been getting married.
He's in his best suit.
Ye gods - it's contagious! Do you feel better now? Much.
Yeah.
We should be all right now.
I wonder why Howard was wearing his best suit.
That's what he'll be wondering about me.
There's no reason why everyone should wonder why you're wearing Don't ask.
Fair enough.
Not a bad morning for it.
For what? For whatever it is you're dressed up for.
Don't ask.
Who's asking? It's a plot.
It's an epidemic.
Hey up.
Why is? Don't ask.
Everybody's wearing Don't ask.
Is it some kind of secret? Yes.
Aw.
Aw Everybody's looking very smart today.
I deny that.
I am not looking smart.
I may be looking nearly smart, but that is just accidental.
I wear a clean shirt - I'm accused of smartness.
You're overdoing it.
He's a bit twitchy this morning.
Clean collars.
Ah, men are never comfy in clean collars.
I'll be honest - mine's killing me.
This is no kind of attire for a free spirit.
Talking of free spirits, will there be drinks? There'd better be.
That's why I'm not driving.
I still say it's a plot.
They're having a giggle at me.
It's just coincidence.
Stop getting worked up.
They're going somewhere.
At least they'll be out of our way.
You don't think they've heard about? No, I don't think they've heard about Entwistle in a suit! Well, that does it.
It really is a plot.
Where are you going? We'll get another bus.
What's up with them? Tight collars.
Lack of oxygen.
Cuts the air supply.
Affects the brain.
There must be a lot of tight collars round here.
I saw him.
Cleggy was in his best suit.
Maybe he were going to the wedding.
I don't think he knows the people.
Maybe he were going to another wedding.
He wasn't wearing a flower.
If I know Norman Clegg, he won't be in any hurry to wear his flower.
Have I got this in straight? Close your mouth before summat flies into it.
A light aircraft.
What you gawping at? You look attractive.
Cheeky beggar.
I've not had a face transplant, you know.
I hope you're not going to start throwing yourself at the men.
That's it.
That's enough.
Not another word.
Silence is not only golden, it's just become compulsory for you.
And, no, your flower's not on straight.
And nor will your head be in a minute.
Where are we going for this secret birthday? To a hotel.
Hotel? Not just a bar meal? Hotel.
Thought we'd do it right.
Have a linen napkin.
More than one knife.
Each.
I'm impressed.
Well, we've got rid of that lot.
All we've got to do now is relax and enjoy.
Norman Clegg, that was! And in his best suit.
Ah, well, yes, I'm just looking after it while the owner's away.
And Mr Truelove looking very chic.
It's just a gift.
Are we all going my way? You'll have to ask the suit.
From the way it's pulling, it wants to cross the road.
What a coincidence.
It makes a girl believe in fate.
Are we in town for anything special? Er, no, no, no.
Just routine.
Here and there, you know.
Gentlemen of leisure.
Another coincidence.
It's my day off, too.
Footloose and fancy free.
We ought to do this more often.
I'm way beyond footloose.
Everything's loose! He mustn't get excited, except under close supervision.
He's in good hands.
Nobody does it closer.
Shouldn't you be meeting Howard? Oh, he's not free today whoever he is.
Tell her this is as far as we go.
Tell him not to worry.
I have very strict rules in that direction.
What he means is a little drink in the bar and then some lunch.
Why not? How kind! Let's live a little.
I just hope her daughter won't be there.
Megan? Of course she will.
You'd be there if YOUR mother was getting married.
She'd have been horrified if I was.
That was when it was religious.
It's mostly showbiz now.
Funny having your mother getting married.
It's nice for the woman.
I just hope Megan's not there.
What's wrong with her? She always wants to talk about interest rates.
Barry, no business talk today.
Well, just keep an eye on me in case she grabs me.
Barry, you look terrific.
If anybody backs you in a corner, it'll probably be me.
Not now, Glenda.
I've got a headache.
Your birthday's so full of surprises, your hand's shaking.
It's just an impression it gives when it's shaking.
How do we get rid of my surprise? We? It's your surprise.
YOU invited her.
I just told her we were going for lunch.
It could be worse.
When people say that, they mean it could hardly be worse.
The place could be full of people watching you taking Marina for lunch.
Watching US taking Marina for lunch.
I'm just a guest.
Howard's going to kill you.
Oh, my favourite.
How did he know? She asked for it.
Only under my breath.
We must be connected telepathically.
Tell her it's a wrong number.
"What's her favourite drink?" he said, closing his eyes.
"I bet I can guess her favourite drink!" What a powerful mind! He gets all mixed up, poor soul.
It's sad, but not all bad.
He's kind to old ladies.
How is he with young? Well, he invited you, didn't he? I thought she looked quite good, considering her age, and the fact she's never been over-attractive, especially after that operation, and that hat.
She'll look worse when she's had him a year.
He's such a misery.
Not just full time, it's also his hobby.
I sometimes wish that I'd been more miserable.
Being good-natured gets you into all sorts of difficulties! Howard manages quite well just on lack of judgement, don't you, love? I thought we weren't going to be like that today.
At the reception.
Not the whole day.
They say the groom's very good with plants.
Knows all the Latin names.
Oh, well, at least they'll be able to enjoy visiting garden centres.
It'll pass the honeymoon nicely.
Now, why didn't WE think of that? You told everybody we'd had a lovely week.
I meant the weather! Actually, it were a disaster - ruined by shyness and nerves.
That's how young ladies were in our day.
Not me.
Him! I don't think I ever had one that was nervous.
Although I must admit, none of them were rank beginners.
They're not born nervous, love.
You have to steer them in that direction.
How comes he can get married at his age and I'm still unattached? He dazzled her with his expertise in greenfly.
I can play the trumpet.
But does it get rid of greenfly? You're getting better.
I got you chatting to that woman last week.
He was chatting somebody up? Without his trumpet? Where? In the supermarket.
She was standing there looking at continental cheeses.
If she can stand continental cheeses, I thought he was in with a chance.
So I give him this opening line and sent him off.
Well, go on, then.
Excuse me, madam, what do you recommend for finishing a dinner party? Oh, all in good taste.
Very classy.
Right.
No rubbish.
How did he handle it? I delivered it properly.
"Excuse me, madam, what do you recommend for finishing a dinner party?" She gives me one look and she says, "I bet you could finish it quick enough without any help from me.
" And off she goes to the cold meats.
Not cold meats! - You're making progress.
- Progress?! You got insulted instead of ignored.
I can't get my head round Hubert as a married man.
I've always held him up as an example of how you can stay single if you really tried.
They won't be a minute.
Mum's just freshening up.
.
.
Oh, hello, Barry! Oh, you're looking good today.
Catch you later! You will not be caught later, Barry.
I suppose that very forward common person was Megan.
How come it took you nearly two seconds to dislike her? Why was she waving at you? I told you.
She sees me as the key to a better rate of interest.
Let her find her own key! Well, of course, if I'd known two gentlemen were taking me for lunch, I'd have made more of an effort.
It's customary at this point to say, "You look fine, anyway.
" Fine.
That's it.
Yes.
Just the word we were searching for.
As Norman will tell you.
Of course, if you want to postpone the luncheon, we'd quite understand, however disappointed we might be.
It wouldn't be fair to keep you here against your better judgement.
I'm at the age where I can't afford better judgement.
I won't disappoint you.
I'll stay.
I'll just pop to the powder room and do the best with what I've got.
She does.
She does the best with what she's got.
I just wish she wasn't doing it here.
Here they are.
Give them a cheer! Oh, come on, Mother.
Oh, cheer up, Mother.
It's him.
Why wouldn't he kiss the bride? Not in public.
We never used to do that.
It's American.
It's rubbish.
I never kissed the last one.
It'll be one of the better marriages.
They stand a chance when they're not all lovey-dovey.
I never knew you were so miserable.
You never asked.
Right.
Big smile, everybody.
Right, now, if everybody would like to make their way to the reception.
Oh, how are you, Barry? I'm fine.
I don't think you know Glenda.
I've never had the pleasure.
And he'd better keep it that way.
Your mother looked nice.
Your Barry's being very helpful in keeping my interest at maximum.
He does a fair job with mine.
Just normal professional courtesy.
So, we give the girl a lunch.
Make the best of it.
Oh, I don't mind that.
It's just the idea of somebody seeing us.
I'm sure we're old enough not to raise any eyebrows.
Ah, Mr Truelove, Mr Clegg.
Hello, Vicar.
It's a pleasure to see two smartly dressed gentlemen enjoying their own company.
You get too many in here with women who don't exactly look like wives, if you know what I mean.
Oh, yes.
Well, here it is, guys.
What you see is what you get.
Now, if you'd all like to make your way to the function suite.
Reserved exclusively for our use.
Can't we have a drink in the bar first? There will be drinks available in the function suite.
Oh, I hope it's not sweet sherry.
It's not the sort of drink for a direct descendant of Robin Hood.
I like sweet sherry.
I rest my case.
Maybe that's the secret.
Maybe that's what's been holding him back romance-wise.
He's ruined his image with sweet sherry.
He's dented it with more than that! Come along, ladies and gentlemen.
Who put HER in charge? I expect she's just organising everything.
You can see she has a flair for what you might call gobby! She likes her already.
It's only when they're shopping they can't make up their mind.
Where's Howard? Well, he was here a minute ago.
That's his description to a T.
"He was here a minute ago.
" He's up there with Mr Hardcastle.
Not too far from the duty warder! Come along, stragglers.
Make your way straight to the function suite.
So there I was - a young constable alone in the darkness.
Oh, I wish I'd been there.
In the early hours of the morning.
My favourite time.
With no back-up, listening to these noises coming from the cemetery.
Good heavens! What did you do? About 90 miles an hour back to the police station.
He lies.
I bet he was heroic.
Of course! .
.
He said modestly.
Why don't I get the menus? Go on! Go on! Well, I crept closer to the cemetery on tiptoe in rubber-soled boots, drawing my truncheon in one smooth movement.
People have no idea of the perils of the police force.
You're right.
All those criminal experts for starters.
Excuse me.
Menus, please.
.
.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, hello.
Could I have three menus, please? Thank you.
GLASS CRASHES Howard! Your flower's wiltingas I've noticed on numerous occasions.
For better, for worse, we said.
So when's this better bit coming? Watch this space, kid.
Here, there's no need to overdo it! Couldn't we find him a funeral instead of a wedding? He were in a good mood a second ago.
They change so quickly.
It's probably hormones.
They're very strange internally.
He gets indigestion, you'd think he had surround-sound.
He looks desperate enough to start writing poetry! Psst.
Excuse me.
Now what? You'll never believe who's here.
Who IS here? Everybody.
Don't start exaggerating.
Leave that to the professionals.
See for yourself.
Oh, there's a ray of sunshine(!) It's weddings.
That's how they are at weddings.
Not as bad as that.
That's how mine always was.
Especially at ours.
Wellat their own, you expect it.
How long has she been seeking better interest? Ages.
It's got to stop, Barry.
Don't tell me, tell Megan.
You call her Megan? Her name's Megan.
You can't call her MrsThing? It sounds like you're BOTH after more interest.
My sister's got a face like that.
Built for bad news.
A face like that IS bad news.
People should smile more.
I mean at weddings! Cheer up, Howard, it's not as if tha's the groom! I feel too betrayed.
You were all right a minute ago! It's bad enough when you find things going on behind your backwith people you thought you could trust.
I mean, I hardly know the lady, but I didn't think she would be involved withcertain people.
Marina?! Tha's caught Marina with some other reckless fool?! Who?! You won't believe.
We shan't if you won't tell us.
I know how he feels.
My missus went off with this really ugly bloke I wouldn't mind if he'd been better looking than me.
Where is she going to find anybody better looking than you? Is he taking the wee-wee? I think there's a possibility.
So, come on, Howard, tell us who it is.
You wouldn't believe it so I'll show you.
It's worse than I thought! What are you all doing here? Hubert and Hilda's wedding.
What are you doing here? I'm supposed to keep it a secret, but it's Clegg's birthday.
He wanted us to go for lunch somewhere quiet.
It's no concern of mine since I hardly know the young lady, but what are you doing leading her astray? She got picked up accidentally! It's Cleggy's birthday! Why should he have a present of those proportions?! Come off it! She's safer with him than being in a nunnery! Oh, Norman, if only you knew! What are they all doing here? They're at a wedding.
You ought to find your Howard.
I don't like to see men suffering.
At weddings.
Howard! It was just an invite for lunch! I understand that now.
I forgive you.
I believe you're jealous, Howard.
Of course I am! Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina! Oh, heck! She's with them! It's true.
They kindly invited me for lunch.
It's his birthday.
Norman! I knew it! Where is everybody? There's a lot of good food upstairs.
Come on, get dug in.
Bring your friends.
Bring their lady friend.
Happy birthday, Norman.
ALL: Happy birthday, Norman.
# Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday, dear Norman # Happy birthday to you! # - Where's Norman Clegg? - Where's Cleggy? Where's the birthday boy?
I mean, what do you think of other people's birthdays? Oh, I can stand them! Cos it's, er, it's mine tomorrow.
Oooh! Happy Don't start.
I don't want any fuss.
I hate all that.
They used to be harmless.
Nobody really bothered, but now it's like a circus.
You don't want balloons? Excuse me while I go and up-chuck behind that bush.
All right - no balloons.
No, I I thought we might have a meal.
Just you and me.
Somewhere nice.
I don't want anyone else to hear a squeak about birthdays.
An undercover birthday.
Fine by me.
Hey.
Don't hang about out there.
People will see you.
Hang about? If I'd come in faster, I'd have taken the paint off your door.
There is no-one out there.
They give that impression, but they can be at windows.
What are they going to see? See? You're joking.
They're going to see that terrible betrayer of secrets - the best suit.
And, ah, they'll want to know why.
Don't tell 'em.
Round here you get grilled by experts.
One tactic for these occasions is to lie.
I'll guide you through.
Lie? You know - sometimes called "giving evidence".
Look, maybe if we went there all scruffy and then got changed there.
Norman.
Happy Birthday.
Relax.
You haven't told anybody? Only the kiss-a-gram girl.
.
.
Oh, joking, joking.
Loosen your collar.
Get some air.
They used to come once a year.
Now it seems like every week.
Don't get paranoid.
It's just a birthday.
Let's hope it stays a nice, quiet birthday.
Oh, by the way, I've, er, noticed that you haven't asked me how old I am.
Well, I may have a go at pulling your leg but I'm not a sadist.
I can't remember what it's like NOT to have a bus pass.
Time passes quickly when you're older.
I could do with 36 hours a day.
Mostly sleeping.
Well, anyway How do I look? As if it's your birthday.
Will you be in this mood all day? I never know.
Check in later.
I mean, it looks like a best suit.
It's fatal.
It's a dead giveaway.
It looks like an old best suit.
Phew! I suppose I ought to be grateful for small mercies.
Come on.
Let's get you somewhere where you'll be less twitchy.
Make sure there's nobody outside, eh? There's no-one.
All right.
Off we go then.
And if they catch us, then don't say anything about birthdays, or they'll smother me in confetti.
There you are, you see? You're looking on the bright side already.
You could have been getting married.
He's in his best suit.
Ye gods - it's contagious! Do you feel better now? Much.
Yeah.
We should be all right now.
I wonder why Howard was wearing his best suit.
That's what he'll be wondering about me.
There's no reason why everyone should wonder why you're wearing Don't ask.
Fair enough.
Not a bad morning for it.
For what? For whatever it is you're dressed up for.
Don't ask.
Who's asking? It's a plot.
It's an epidemic.
Hey up.
Why is? Don't ask.
Everybody's wearing Don't ask.
Is it some kind of secret? Yes.
Aw.
Aw Everybody's looking very smart today.
I deny that.
I am not looking smart.
I may be looking nearly smart, but that is just accidental.
I wear a clean shirt - I'm accused of smartness.
You're overdoing it.
He's a bit twitchy this morning.
Clean collars.
Ah, men are never comfy in clean collars.
I'll be honest - mine's killing me.
This is no kind of attire for a free spirit.
Talking of free spirits, will there be drinks? There'd better be.
That's why I'm not driving.
I still say it's a plot.
They're having a giggle at me.
It's just coincidence.
Stop getting worked up.
They're going somewhere.
At least they'll be out of our way.
You don't think they've heard about? No, I don't think they've heard about Entwistle in a suit! Well, that does it.
It really is a plot.
Where are you going? We'll get another bus.
What's up with them? Tight collars.
Lack of oxygen.
Cuts the air supply.
Affects the brain.
There must be a lot of tight collars round here.
I saw him.
Cleggy was in his best suit.
Maybe he were going to the wedding.
I don't think he knows the people.
Maybe he were going to another wedding.
He wasn't wearing a flower.
If I know Norman Clegg, he won't be in any hurry to wear his flower.
Have I got this in straight? Close your mouth before summat flies into it.
A light aircraft.
What you gawping at? You look attractive.
Cheeky beggar.
I've not had a face transplant, you know.
I hope you're not going to start throwing yourself at the men.
That's it.
That's enough.
Not another word.
Silence is not only golden, it's just become compulsory for you.
And, no, your flower's not on straight.
And nor will your head be in a minute.
Where are we going for this secret birthday? To a hotel.
Hotel? Not just a bar meal? Hotel.
Thought we'd do it right.
Have a linen napkin.
More than one knife.
Each.
I'm impressed.
Well, we've got rid of that lot.
All we've got to do now is relax and enjoy.
Norman Clegg, that was! And in his best suit.
Ah, well, yes, I'm just looking after it while the owner's away.
And Mr Truelove looking very chic.
It's just a gift.
Are we all going my way? You'll have to ask the suit.
From the way it's pulling, it wants to cross the road.
What a coincidence.
It makes a girl believe in fate.
Are we in town for anything special? Er, no, no, no.
Just routine.
Here and there, you know.
Gentlemen of leisure.
Another coincidence.
It's my day off, too.
Footloose and fancy free.
We ought to do this more often.
I'm way beyond footloose.
Everything's loose! He mustn't get excited, except under close supervision.
He's in good hands.
Nobody does it closer.
Shouldn't you be meeting Howard? Oh, he's not free today whoever he is.
Tell her this is as far as we go.
Tell him not to worry.
I have very strict rules in that direction.
What he means is a little drink in the bar and then some lunch.
Why not? How kind! Let's live a little.
I just hope her daughter won't be there.
Megan? Of course she will.
You'd be there if YOUR mother was getting married.
She'd have been horrified if I was.
That was when it was religious.
It's mostly showbiz now.
Funny having your mother getting married.
It's nice for the woman.
I just hope Megan's not there.
What's wrong with her? She always wants to talk about interest rates.
Barry, no business talk today.
Well, just keep an eye on me in case she grabs me.
Barry, you look terrific.
If anybody backs you in a corner, it'll probably be me.
Not now, Glenda.
I've got a headache.
Your birthday's so full of surprises, your hand's shaking.
It's just an impression it gives when it's shaking.
How do we get rid of my surprise? We? It's your surprise.
YOU invited her.
I just told her we were going for lunch.
It could be worse.
When people say that, they mean it could hardly be worse.
The place could be full of people watching you taking Marina for lunch.
Watching US taking Marina for lunch.
I'm just a guest.
Howard's going to kill you.
Oh, my favourite.
How did he know? She asked for it.
Only under my breath.
We must be connected telepathically.
Tell her it's a wrong number.
"What's her favourite drink?" he said, closing his eyes.
"I bet I can guess her favourite drink!" What a powerful mind! He gets all mixed up, poor soul.
It's sad, but not all bad.
He's kind to old ladies.
How is he with young? Well, he invited you, didn't he? I thought she looked quite good, considering her age, and the fact she's never been over-attractive, especially after that operation, and that hat.
She'll look worse when she's had him a year.
He's such a misery.
Not just full time, it's also his hobby.
I sometimes wish that I'd been more miserable.
Being good-natured gets you into all sorts of difficulties! Howard manages quite well just on lack of judgement, don't you, love? I thought we weren't going to be like that today.
At the reception.
Not the whole day.
They say the groom's very good with plants.
Knows all the Latin names.
Oh, well, at least they'll be able to enjoy visiting garden centres.
It'll pass the honeymoon nicely.
Now, why didn't WE think of that? You told everybody we'd had a lovely week.
I meant the weather! Actually, it were a disaster - ruined by shyness and nerves.
That's how young ladies were in our day.
Not me.
Him! I don't think I ever had one that was nervous.
Although I must admit, none of them were rank beginners.
They're not born nervous, love.
You have to steer them in that direction.
How comes he can get married at his age and I'm still unattached? He dazzled her with his expertise in greenfly.
I can play the trumpet.
But does it get rid of greenfly? You're getting better.
I got you chatting to that woman last week.
He was chatting somebody up? Without his trumpet? Where? In the supermarket.
She was standing there looking at continental cheeses.
If she can stand continental cheeses, I thought he was in with a chance.
So I give him this opening line and sent him off.
Well, go on, then.
Excuse me, madam, what do you recommend for finishing a dinner party? Oh, all in good taste.
Very classy.
Right.
No rubbish.
How did he handle it? I delivered it properly.
"Excuse me, madam, what do you recommend for finishing a dinner party?" She gives me one look and she says, "I bet you could finish it quick enough without any help from me.
" And off she goes to the cold meats.
Not cold meats! - You're making progress.
- Progress?! You got insulted instead of ignored.
I can't get my head round Hubert as a married man.
I've always held him up as an example of how you can stay single if you really tried.
They won't be a minute.
Mum's just freshening up.
.
.
Oh, hello, Barry! Oh, you're looking good today.
Catch you later! You will not be caught later, Barry.
I suppose that very forward common person was Megan.
How come it took you nearly two seconds to dislike her? Why was she waving at you? I told you.
She sees me as the key to a better rate of interest.
Let her find her own key! Well, of course, if I'd known two gentlemen were taking me for lunch, I'd have made more of an effort.
It's customary at this point to say, "You look fine, anyway.
" Fine.
That's it.
Yes.
Just the word we were searching for.
As Norman will tell you.
Of course, if you want to postpone the luncheon, we'd quite understand, however disappointed we might be.
It wouldn't be fair to keep you here against your better judgement.
I'm at the age where I can't afford better judgement.
I won't disappoint you.
I'll stay.
I'll just pop to the powder room and do the best with what I've got.
She does.
She does the best with what she's got.
I just wish she wasn't doing it here.
Here they are.
Give them a cheer! Oh, come on, Mother.
Oh, cheer up, Mother.
It's him.
Why wouldn't he kiss the bride? Not in public.
We never used to do that.
It's American.
It's rubbish.
I never kissed the last one.
It'll be one of the better marriages.
They stand a chance when they're not all lovey-dovey.
I never knew you were so miserable.
You never asked.
Right.
Big smile, everybody.
Right, now, if everybody would like to make their way to the reception.
Oh, how are you, Barry? I'm fine.
I don't think you know Glenda.
I've never had the pleasure.
And he'd better keep it that way.
Your mother looked nice.
Your Barry's being very helpful in keeping my interest at maximum.
He does a fair job with mine.
Just normal professional courtesy.
So, we give the girl a lunch.
Make the best of it.
Oh, I don't mind that.
It's just the idea of somebody seeing us.
I'm sure we're old enough not to raise any eyebrows.
Ah, Mr Truelove, Mr Clegg.
Hello, Vicar.
It's a pleasure to see two smartly dressed gentlemen enjoying their own company.
You get too many in here with women who don't exactly look like wives, if you know what I mean.
Oh, yes.
Well, here it is, guys.
What you see is what you get.
Now, if you'd all like to make your way to the function suite.
Reserved exclusively for our use.
Can't we have a drink in the bar first? There will be drinks available in the function suite.
Oh, I hope it's not sweet sherry.
It's not the sort of drink for a direct descendant of Robin Hood.
I like sweet sherry.
I rest my case.
Maybe that's the secret.
Maybe that's what's been holding him back romance-wise.
He's ruined his image with sweet sherry.
He's dented it with more than that! Come along, ladies and gentlemen.
Who put HER in charge? I expect she's just organising everything.
You can see she has a flair for what you might call gobby! She likes her already.
It's only when they're shopping they can't make up their mind.
Where's Howard? Well, he was here a minute ago.
That's his description to a T.
"He was here a minute ago.
" He's up there with Mr Hardcastle.
Not too far from the duty warder! Come along, stragglers.
Make your way straight to the function suite.
So there I was - a young constable alone in the darkness.
Oh, I wish I'd been there.
In the early hours of the morning.
My favourite time.
With no back-up, listening to these noises coming from the cemetery.
Good heavens! What did you do? About 90 miles an hour back to the police station.
He lies.
I bet he was heroic.
Of course! .
.
He said modestly.
Why don't I get the menus? Go on! Go on! Well, I crept closer to the cemetery on tiptoe in rubber-soled boots, drawing my truncheon in one smooth movement.
People have no idea of the perils of the police force.
You're right.
All those criminal experts for starters.
Excuse me.
Menus, please.
.
.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, hello.
Could I have three menus, please? Thank you.
GLASS CRASHES Howard! Your flower's wiltingas I've noticed on numerous occasions.
For better, for worse, we said.
So when's this better bit coming? Watch this space, kid.
Here, there's no need to overdo it! Couldn't we find him a funeral instead of a wedding? He were in a good mood a second ago.
They change so quickly.
It's probably hormones.
They're very strange internally.
He gets indigestion, you'd think he had surround-sound.
He looks desperate enough to start writing poetry! Psst.
Excuse me.
Now what? You'll never believe who's here.
Who IS here? Everybody.
Don't start exaggerating.
Leave that to the professionals.
See for yourself.
Oh, there's a ray of sunshine(!) It's weddings.
That's how they are at weddings.
Not as bad as that.
That's how mine always was.
Especially at ours.
Wellat their own, you expect it.
How long has she been seeking better interest? Ages.
It's got to stop, Barry.
Don't tell me, tell Megan.
You call her Megan? Her name's Megan.
You can't call her MrsThing? It sounds like you're BOTH after more interest.
My sister's got a face like that.
Built for bad news.
A face like that IS bad news.
People should smile more.
I mean at weddings! Cheer up, Howard, it's not as if tha's the groom! I feel too betrayed.
You were all right a minute ago! It's bad enough when you find things going on behind your backwith people you thought you could trust.
I mean, I hardly know the lady, but I didn't think she would be involved withcertain people.
Marina?! Tha's caught Marina with some other reckless fool?! Who?! You won't believe.
We shan't if you won't tell us.
I know how he feels.
My missus went off with this really ugly bloke I wouldn't mind if he'd been better looking than me.
Where is she going to find anybody better looking than you? Is he taking the wee-wee? I think there's a possibility.
So, come on, Howard, tell us who it is.
You wouldn't believe it so I'll show you.
It's worse than I thought! What are you all doing here? Hubert and Hilda's wedding.
What are you doing here? I'm supposed to keep it a secret, but it's Clegg's birthday.
He wanted us to go for lunch somewhere quiet.
It's no concern of mine since I hardly know the young lady, but what are you doing leading her astray? She got picked up accidentally! It's Cleggy's birthday! Why should he have a present of those proportions?! Come off it! She's safer with him than being in a nunnery! Oh, Norman, if only you knew! What are they all doing here? They're at a wedding.
You ought to find your Howard.
I don't like to see men suffering.
At weddings.
Howard! It was just an invite for lunch! I understand that now.
I forgive you.
I believe you're jealous, Howard.
Of course I am! Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina! Oh, heck! She's with them! It's true.
They kindly invited me for lunch.
It's his birthday.
Norman! I knew it! Where is everybody? There's a lot of good food upstairs.
Come on, get dug in.
Bring your friends.
Bring their lady friend.
Happy birthday, Norman.
ALL: Happy birthday, Norman.
# Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday, dear Norman # Happy birthday to you! # - Where's Norman Clegg? - Where's Cleggy? Where's the birthday boy?